Emo high school girl to friend: He's kind of like the replacement parent for kids with delinquent parents…only he has sex with you and 10 of your friends.

Newbury Street
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: CK

Drunk girl: I've seen a horse sit on a goddamn toilet!

Pimlico Race Course
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Rachel Isadora

Underage drunk girl in bathroom to another: Do you need me to wipe?

Varsity Theatre
Baton Rouge, Louisiana

Customer: Excuse me, why is your “chocolate mud pie” the only dessert on the menu not labeled “vegetarian”?
Waitress: That's because it has cream in it.
Customer: Your other desserts have cream in them and are labeled “vegetarian”!
Waitress: Yeah well, the cream in the chocolate mud pie is made from meat.

London
England

Little girl walking behind mom: Mom, did you hit me in the head with your phone!
Mom: No, I didn't, I don't even have my phone out! (looks down at hand) Oh, yes I do. Did it hurt?

Eskimo Joe's
Stillwater, Oklahoma

Overheard by: Cameron

White trash guy to wife at gun counter: I don't know, honey, that might be too big to conceal.

Academy Sports
Plano, Texas

Overheard by: We're not in Michigan Anymore

Moviegoer: I thought Carla didn't have a boyfriend because she got frumpy.

Landmark Theater
Los Angeles, California

Girl on cell: I just took off my bra to make weight. Dignity? Gone.

Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Competition
Morristown, New Jersey

Overheard by: Ladle

Englishman in Manchester City shirt: Oi, is that a Manchester United shirt?
Eight-year-old Japanese boy: Herro.
Englishman in Manchester City shirt: Hello, you cunt.

Japan

Father: Look, there's a potty over there!
Five-year-old daughter: No, I don't wanna go in the porta-potty!
Father: Okay, where are you gonna go then?
Five-year-old daughter: In my pants!
Father: Alright!

SUNY
Purchase, New York