Overheard Everywhere | Most Popular Quotes

Why Doesn't He Just Get That Swastika-Shaped Mole Removed?

Woman: Everyone's been asking me why I didn't bring my boyfriend!
Man: Why didn't you bring him? Too many Jews?

Woodstock, New York

Overheard by: Becca

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

No One in Paris Ever Pees on Walls or Sits on Steps

Enraged Frenchman to woman and son who is discreetly peeing on wall: What is wrong with you? Find a bathroom, this is a business! (starts walking away and then comes to a woman and her teenage daughter sitting on steps) And you two, get out! What are you, from the mountains? (to himself, walking away) Oh my god! I don't believe this!

Fira
Santorini
Greece

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Don't Make Me Come Down There and Rescue You

Police helicopter hovering with spotlight on suspect, over loudspeaker: Stop running. You can't get away. Just give yourself up. Stop running... No, don't go in the water. You won't make it across. No, don't-- Yeah, it's fucking cold, isn't it, dumbass? Just get out of the water!

American River Parkway
Sacramento, California

Overheard by: Ree

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

We'll Get You a Milk and an Epi Pen and Let's See What Unfolds

Five-year-old in cafeteria during kindergarten lunchtime: Mr. Greg, my mom didn't put juice in my lunch. Can I get a drink from the cafeteria?
Mr. Greg: Sure, I'll get you something. You want milk?
Five-year-old: Yeah.
Mr. Greg: Regular white milk or chocolate?
Five-year-old: Chocolate.
Mr. Greg: Okay. You're not allergic to chocolate, are you?
Five-year-old: Yeah.
Mr. Greg: You are? Oh, then I'll get you white milk. Are you allergic to white milk?
Five-year-old: Yeah.
Mr. Greg: Oh, then I'd better see if they have juice.
(Mr. Greg goes into the kitchen and comes back with orange juice)
Mr. Greg: Here's some orange juice. You're not allergic to orange juice, are you?
Five-year-old: Yeah.
Mr. Greg: Do you know what "allergic" means?
Five-year-old: No.

Elementary School
Los Angeles, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Just Like the Ad Promises!

Girl outside changing room: How are those other pants working for you, Jen?
Girl in changing room, frustrated: I feel like the devil himself crafted them to make a mockery of my ass.

Mall
Baton Rouge, Louisiana

Overheard by: almost broke a rib trying not to laugh

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Whoever Cares the Least Wins the Fight

Woman (sarcastically): I'm sorry, I'm such a bitch.
Man: Hmm...
Woman: You think I'm a bitch, don't you?
Man: I didn't say that.
Woman: You didn't disagree with me.
Man: You know yourself better than I do.
Woman: I can't believe you called me a bitch.
Man: I didn't call you a bitch, you called yourself a bitch.
Woman: But you didn't tell me I'm not a bitch.
Man: Because you're acting like a bitch.
Woman: See? You think I'm a bitch!
Man: I said you were acting like a bitch.
Woman: Whats the difference?
Man: Dustin Hoffman acted like a retard, but it doesn't mean he is one.
Woman: I don't know what that's supposed to mean, but you're a dick for thinking I'm a bitch.
Man: Do you mean I'm acting like a dick or I am a dick?
Woman: Fuck you! (storms out)
Man: Too easy. Caramel Macchiato please!

Starbucks
Westminster, Colorado

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

First Shoot the Person Who Gave a Kid a Megaphone

Little nine-year-old kid with megaphone: You are going to go to hell, you know! The Apocalypse is coming! Are you ready? If you are drinking, you are a bad mother!
Army man #1, standing nearby: Do we have permission to fire?
Army man #2: I wish.

The Kentucky Derby

Overheard by: Kdub-ya

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Not the First Time He's Had to Clarify That Today

Guy: That motherfucking cop has driven past here twice in the last fifteen minutes.
Cop (on car's loudspeaker): I'm not a motherfucker.

University of Georgia
Athens, Georgia

Overheard by: Anne

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And We Hope Our Passengers in First Class Enjoy the Foxy Boxing

Flight attendant: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard flight 1751 to Raleigh-Durham. My name is John and I am your head flight attendant today. I will be assisted by my lovely fiancee Sarah and my ex-wife Jill. It may be a little awkward but we hope you have a pleasant flight.

Runway
Atlanta, Georgia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Without Menopause, We'd Have an Infanticide Epidemic

Grandmother, about tantrum-throwing child: I think it might be time to put her to sleep.
Mother: Yeah. Come on honey, we'll go home and have a nap!
Grandmother, under her breath: That's not what I meant.

Westfield Shopping Center
South Morang
Australia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The Camera Loves You, by the Way

Reporter to bodyguard for racist, fascist political party holding a press conference: Can you tell us why we're not being allowed to enter?
Bodyguard: You've printed repeated and insidious lies about our party.
Reporter, after long pause: We're a tv station.

Manchester
England

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Porn Overload Eventually Destroys Your Ability to Read

Customer looking up at menu board: Umm, I'll have the "German chock a lotta cock."
(girl scooping ice cream looks horrified)
Customer, now pointing: The "German chock a lotta cock." It's right there.
Ice cream girl: It's pronounced "German chocolate cake."

Cold Stone Creamery
Fountain Valley, California

Overheard by: RL

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Hamburgers, That's How

Non-native presenting for speech class: Everyone has cows in their life. Cows at home. Cows at work. Cows in our families. Cows can take over everything. But how do we get rid of the cows?
Teacher: Chaos. It's pronounced 'chaos.'

Truman College
Chicago, Illinois

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Knew I Should've Let the Doctor Keep You a Girl

Mother to ten-year-old son at supermarket check-out queue: And then we'll go and look for a dress for me.
Ten-year-old son: I'm not going clothes shopping with you. You go in every shop, you try everything on, you never like anything and come home with nothing and I'm not standing around waiting!
[All male members of the queue cheer.]

Luton
England

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

We Don't Want to Get Him Confused with Mommy

Six-year-old boy, about new kitten: That pussycat is crazy! He eats anything and everything... I mean, he was eating carrots! We need to give him a name... How about 'Food Kitty'? Or 'Pussy Eater'?
Mom: Uhhh, no. Not that one.

Polaris Mall
Columbus, Ohio

Overheard by: jweils

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Don't Bite the Hand That Grades You

Annoying professor, about optical illusion on slide: What do you all see here?
Student: A moron with tenure.

Carleton University
Ottawa
Canadia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Works for The White House Budget Office

Girlfriend: Oooh! Baby, we should get a dozen donuts!
Boyfriend: Okay. Do you wanna pick six, and I'll pick six? [Girlfriend gives icy stare.] Fine, you pick all twelve. I don't care.
Girlfriend: Twelve? I said I want a dozen.
Boyfriend: Um, honey, twelve is a dozen.
Girlfriend: I know what a dozen is, and it's not fucking twelve! I'm not fucking stupid, you know!
Boyfriend: You're, like 25 years old! How can you not know what a dozen is?
Girlfriend: I know what a fucking dozen is! [Looks around] What the fuck are all of you laughing at?!

King Soopers Dairy
Denver, Colorado

Overheard by: We were right to point and laugh

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

But No One Who Speaks German Could Be a Mean Guy!

American guy: Could you stamp my passport, please? It's a hobby of mine.
Passport checker to coworker, in German: These damn Americans always want something. Look, they've all got booze and bags and t-shirts. Now they want stamps.
American girl: Sir, I'd like mine stamped, too.
Passport checker, in German: I bet that girl was here to fuck guys. American girls become sluts in Europe.
American girl: Sir, that's not very nice!
Passport checker, still in German: I hate it when they know German. Then we can't talk about them!

Airport
Cologne
Germany

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Chances Are Good We'll Get to Denver or Somewhere Near It

Stressed flight attendant, after four-hour delay: Folks, we've just been cleared for immediate departure. (passengers cheer) All passengers must be seated, with your seat belts fastened for takeoff. To do so, insert the metal--well, if you can't figure it out for yourself, you're in trouble. If at any point an oxygen mask appears in front of you, you'll want to put that on. In the event of a water landing occurring between St. Louis and Denver, there will be a flotation device under your seat and about three feet of snow in hell. Emergency exits--front, over-wing and rear--wherever it says so. Don't even think about smoking. See the safety information card for the rest. Here we go.

Runway
St. Louis Airport, Missouri

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

But We Call Them "American Voters"

American chick #1: Ohmigod! Look at those white cows! I've never seen cows like that before!
American chick #2: Maybe they're albino... Or it could be a special British type of cow.
Guy sitting behind them: ... Those are sheep.

Bus, Southern England

Overheard by: pretends to be Canadian

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Should I Write My Number on His Hand in Crayon?

Preschooler left alone in stroller, singing, to 20-something girl walking by: Cha, cha, cha...you're charming!
20-something, on cell: I think I just got hit on by a four-year-old! No, it was actually better than most of the lines I've heard.

Appleton, Wisconsin

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Although I Do Like the Nightlife

Queer, when Bible-thumping lady splashes him with holy water: I'm a faggot, not a vampire. There's a difference.

San Luis Obispo Gay Pride Festival
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: Rish

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Wait 'Til They Do "The Thong Song" in Middle English

Girls, singing: My milkshake bringeth the lads in the square, prithee, 'tis better than yours, 'tis better than yours, I could teach thee, but I'd levy a fee.

4 Bus
Victoria
Canadia

Overheard by: Fair maiden Juliet

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Absolute Powerpoint Corrupts Absolutely

Professor flipping rapidly between Powerpoint slides: Take notes now, suckers!

Williamsburg, Virginia

Overheard by: a fan of this professor

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

There Are Muslims in Utah?

Boy: Why do you wear that on your head?
Muslim girl, indifferently: So the aliens don't read my brain.

High School
Utah

Overheard by: I need one of those!

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Make Most of My Profit on the Overseas Release

Drunken wedding guest to videographer going from table to table: Zach*, I want to wish you and Jenny* many years of happiness, and I hope you get as much pleasure out of fucking her as I did.
Other guests at table: Erase that! Erase that!
Videographer: Are you kidding? This is like gold!

Roslyn Jewish Center
Roslyn Heights, New York

Overheard by: Big Larry

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

A+

Black student, casually: Wait, let me get this straight: he was going to participate, but he was late, so he decided to hate, and that's what started this debate?
Teacher, baffled: Did you just rap that at me?

Columbia College Fiction Department
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: flunk_punk

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Thought the Figure on the Door Was Sporting a Jaunty Kilt

Man in stall on the left: Bill, I think we're in the wrong bathroom.
Man in stall on the right: Yeah, I think I just figured that out.

Women's restroom at United Center
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: the girl in the stall between them

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Now Can We Teach Kids about STDs in High School?

Tall brunette: ... And so I said I didn't want herpes, but he was like, 'Oh, they're no big deal.'
Short blonde: Well, did you sleep with him?
Tall brunette: Of course I did. Like he said, herpes are no big deal. Just a little itching and stuff... Besides, it's not like I can ever get them again. It's like chicken pox -- once you get it, you don't get it again.
Math major nearby, yelling: Do you mind taking your dumb, STD-having ass somewhere I'm not trying to eat?! [Other students cheer.]

Bentley Dining Hall, Lock Haven University
Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Alexander Lepro

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

To Comment, I'd Really Need a Larger Sample

Four-year-old girl looking at Michelangelo's David: Do you see the penis?
Nanny: Yes.
Four-year-old girl: I like the penis! Do you like the penis?
Nanny, turning around and walking away: There's no good way to answer this.

Florence
Italy

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

But Fantastic That You're Keeping That Cultural Reference Alive

History professor, lecturing on the early 1900s: I mean, the problem of being the only person with a telephone is, well, who you gonna call?
Class, as one: Ghostbusters!
History professor: You kids scare me.

CU
Boulder, Colorado

Overheard by: They know their history, alright

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

There's One in Every Family

Little boy: Mommmmmm, I want a pet mouse.
Mother: No.
Little boy: Please? It can live in my room!
Mother: No! You know what will happen. I'll spend a hundred dollars on cages and food and toys, and Terry will just eat the bloody thing.
Pet shop worker to little boy: Is Terry your cat?
Little boy: No, my brother.

Pet Shop
Greensborough
Australia

Overheard by: Suitably Impressed

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...She Put Two Drinks Up There?

Sorority girl to another, sitting in booth: Girl, I was double-fisted all night long last night!
Gay dude #1, quite loudly, to gay dude #2: Oh my god! That is so nasty! Who on earth would ever say something like that out in public! I wouldn't want anyone to know that anyone could do anything like that to me, let alone enjoy it! Nasty bitches!
Gay dude #2 to gay dude #1, very quietly: Um, I think she meant she had a drink in both hands, you idiot.
Gay dude #1: Oh.

Chinese Restaurant
Lexington, Kentucky

Overheard by: j-we

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Yeah? Shalom, Baby

Black man, approaching black woman wrapped in garments with only her eyes visible: Salam Aleikum.
Woman: I'm not Muslim, muthafucka, I'm cold!

Harrisburg, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Michael

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Probably the Funniest Thing Ever Uttered in a Statistics Class

Indian professor with thick accent: Okay class. If I flip this coin 50 times, what is the probability that I get head?
Dude in the back: Man, I could flip a coin 100 times and I'm still not gettin' head.
(class bursts into hysterical laughter)
Indian professor: What? What did I say?

Statistics Class, George Washington University
Washington, DC

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Dooming You to Come on Time for All Eternity

Professor: When you're late, Eric* will take down your name. The first time he'll just tack a threatening note on your door. What did we decide you would do for the second tardy?
Eric: Slash their tires.
Professor: Right. And the third time we'll make pornographic images of you on Photoshop and put them on the Internet.

Hartford, Connecticut

Overheard by: Claire

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Call Me Back When Your Aneurism Subsides

Girl on phone: Mommy, my nose is pierced, I'm marrying a girl, I'm in love with a gay boy, and I'm pregnant. One of these is false. Goodbye.

Shout-out: www.overheardinathens.com

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The Economy Hits The Airlines Hard

Captain, over intercom, after lights go out: You are getting veeeery sleeeeeepy... You do not want peaaanuts... You do not want soooodaaa... You just want to sleeeep until we laaaaand.

Southwest Airlines Flight over California

Overheard by: Andrew

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Why Are You Buying a Chocolate Jesus?

Cashier: Merry Christmas.
Customer: You, too.
Cashier: Wait! I gotta be politically correct -- Happy Holidays.
Customer: Yeah, I'm Jewish.
Cashier: Oh my god, me too!
Customer: Then why the fuck are we wishing each other a Merry Christmas?
Cashier: I have no fucking clue.

Wegmans
Manalapan, New Jersey

Overheard by: I celebrate christmas....

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And That's Enough Drinking for Both of You!

Little boy #1: Cheers to Australia!
Little boy #2: Cheers to my bicycle!
Little boy #1: Cheers to my water!
Little boy #2: Cheers to my willie!
Mom: Stop that! I told you not to cheers to your willie anymore.

Rottnest Island
Australia

Overheard by: Jersey Girl

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

He's Gonna Be a Heartbreaker

Mom: No, Joshua, put it down.
Five-year-old boy: No!
Mom: Put it down this instant, or you are going to be in big trouble, mister.
Five-year-old boy: No!
Mom: Drop it!
Five-year-old boy: Dammit, Kathy, I'm tired of your crap!

Target
Walnut Creek, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

But If Enough Rain Builds Up, You Can Watch Me Walk on Water

Angry traveler: The flight's canceled because of weather?!? Can't you do something?
Airline counter man: Ma'am, despite my godlike appearance, I cannot control the weather.

O'Hare Airport
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: He's not so Godlike

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

His Farts Are Delicately Scented With Botanicals

Guy to girl: So you heard about Dave, right? His girlfriend broke up with him last night. He got completely wasted and tried to kill himself by drinking a bottle of shampoo.
Girl: Oh my god! Is he okay?
Guy: Yeah, turns out you cant kill yourself by drinking shampoo. We're calling him "bubbles" now. He'll never live this down.

Lockport, New York

Overheard by: evan

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Clearly You've Never Had Velveeta Mac N' Cheese

Professor: So, do you guys think fornication is man's greatest pleasure?
First year Humanities class: [Embarrassed silence.]
Brave student: Um... I don't know about greatest... I mean, I like to eat.
Professor, slamming hands down on desk: I've been eating for 62 years, and I've never gotten an orgasm from it!

Richmond, Indiana

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And Leave Wet Spots Wherever They Go

Male professor: Yes, Miss...? Uh...
Hot chick, raising hand: Beaver.
Professor: Beaver? How come I don't remember that being your last name? You don't look like a 'Beaver.' Maybe if you were wet... [Entire class goes silent, then erupts with laughter.]
Professor, embarrassed: I meant because beavers live around the water!

History class, Northern Virginia Community College
Annandale, Virginia

Overheard by: Classmate

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Worth a Shot

Mom: I'll have a diet Coke.
Dad: I'll have an iced tea.
10-year-old girl: I'll have a Bailey's coffee.
Waitress: Um... Can I see some ID?
10-year-old girl: Okay, I'll just have coffee, then.

Cheesecake Factory
Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Overheard by: around the corner

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

At Least You Have Your Priorities Straight

Ten-year-old boy: You know what I would have if I could have four wishes?
Big sister: I don't know. What?
Ten-year-old boy: One: no drought in Georgia; Two: no global warming; Three: world peace; Four: a Komodo dragon that is really nice and fun to play with, is a vegetarian, lives forever and can grant eternal life.

Druid Hills, Atlanta

Overheard by: Miranda

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

It's My Prerogative

Young pregnant mother, gratefully accepting seat on crowded tram: Come over here and sit with mummy, Adam.
Four-year-old: Noooooooooo.
Mother: C'mon, Adam, come sit with mummy.
Four-year-old: Noooooooo (but slinks over and sits down anyway)
Mother: Better?
Four-year-old: You've ruined my life, mom.
Mother: Yes, honey, I know.

Melbourne
Australia

Overheard by: Soap Oprah

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Dude, That's David Spade

Man at airport: I'm gonna go hug that kid. Maybe then his mom will start keeping an eye on him.

Shout-out: overheardlines.blogspot.com

Overheard by: tim

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

How You Know You've Raised a Roman

Mother: See that stone sculpture? The lion is attacking the poor man underneath it. The man may get eaten up by the lion!
Eight-year-old daughter: Go, lion!
Mother: No, no, no, no!

www.talovich.blogspot.com

Overheard by: Yugan

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?