Overheard Everywhere | Most Popular Quotes

Hamburgers, That's How

Non-native presenting for speech class: Everyone has cows in their life. Cows at home. Cows at work. Cows in our families. Cows can take over everything. But how do we get rid of the cows?
Teacher: Chaos. It's pronounced 'chaos.'

Truman College
Chicago, Illinois

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Don't Make Me Come Down There and Rescue You

Police helicopter hovering with spotlight on suspect, over loudspeaker: Stop running. You can't get away. Just give yourself up. Stop running... No, don't go in the water. You won't make it across. No, don't-- Yeah, it's fucking cold, isn't it, dumbass? Just get out of the water!

American River Parkway
Sacramento, California

Overheard by: Ree

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Although I Do Like the Nightlife

Queer, when Bible-thumping lady splashes him with holy water: I'm a faggot, not a vampire. There's a difference.

San Luis Obispo Gay Pride Festival
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: Rish

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I Knew I Should've Let the Doctor Keep You a Girl

Mother to ten-year-old son at supermarket check-out queue: And then we'll go and look for a dress for me.
Ten-year-old son: I'm not going clothes shopping with you. You go in every shop, you try everything on, you never like anything and come home with nothing and I'm not standing around waiting!
[All male members of the queue cheer.]

Luton
England

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I Make Most of My Profit on the Overseas Release

Drunken wedding guest to videographer going from table to table: Zach*, I want to wish you and Jenny* many years of happiness, and I hope you get as much pleasure out of fucking her as I did.
Other guests at table: Erase that! Erase that!
Videographer: Are you kidding? This is like gold!

Roslyn Jewish Center
Roslyn Heights, New York

Overheard by: Big Larry

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Translation: I'm About to Start Crying

Jock #1: Dude, that bitch broke my heart.
Jock #2, eating a burrito: I know, man. You were always so unhappy, and I wanted to, like, slap you around and make you happy.
Jock #1, singing softly and staring blankly at the ground: I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you...
Jock #2: Look, man, we boys, aight? But when you start singing cheesy-ass love songs to a chick that cheated on you, gave you an STD, and shit on top of your car because she's crazier than a fucking monkey on crack with a banana up its ass, something's wrong with you, and maybe we shouldn't hang out anymore.

University of Washington
Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Sam

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Later That Night, She Was Attacked in Her Bed with Maple Syrup

Professor: So what sorts of people travel abroad and exploit children that are forced into prostitution?
Student: Canadians.
[Class remains silent and professor stares.]
Student: ...I... Was just kidding.

Las Positas College
Livermore, California

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Clearly You've Never Had Velveeta Mac N' Cheese

Professor: So, do you guys think fornication is man's greatest pleasure?
First year Humanities class: [Embarrassed silence.]
Brave student: Um... I don't know about greatest... I mean, I like to eat.
Professor, slamming hands down on desk: I've been eating for 62 years, and I've never gotten an orgasm from it!

Richmond, Indiana

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Call Me Back When Your Aneurism Subsides

Girl on phone: Mommy, my nose is pierced, I'm marrying a girl, I'm in love with a gay boy, and I'm pregnant. One of these is false. Goodbye.

Shout-out: www.overheardinathens.com

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Anybody Seen Baryshnikov Lately?

Confused girl: Someone with an unknown number just called me twice. I, of course, ignored the calls. Then they left a voicemail of music from The Nutcracker...I have the feeling I'm about to be murdered.

Lexington, Kentucky

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A+

Black student, casually: Wait, let me get this straight: he was going to participate, but he was late, so he decided to hate, and that's what started this debate?
Teacher, baffled: Did you just rap that at me?

Columbia College Fiction Department
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: flunk_punk

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And You Stole Me from a Playground!

Little boy, standing next to a car: Daddy, this isn't our car! Daddy, what are you doing? This isn't our car!
Man: Look, buddy, you've got to stop saying that when we're in parking lots. [to a couple walking by] I just got a new car.
Little boy: No you didn't!

AMC Theatres
Owings Mills, Maryland

Overheard by: they steal cars, dont they?

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And Calling President Washington "G-Money" Is Just Wrong

American history professor: Whoever is writing 'vah-jay-jay' instead of 'Virginia' in the notes they are submitting, please stop.

eavesdropdc.blogspot.com

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But No One Who Speaks German Could Be a Mean Guy!

American guy: Could you stamp my passport, please? It's a hobby of mine.
Passport checker to coworker, in German: These damn Americans always want something. Look, they've all got booze and bags and t-shirts. Now they want stamps.
American girl: Sir, I'd like mine stamped, too.
Passport checker, in German: I bet that girl was here to fuck guys. American girls become sluts in Europe.
American girl: Sir, that's not very nice!
Passport checker, still in German: I hate it when they know German. Then we can't talk about them!

Airport
Cologne
Germany

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We Don't Want to Get Him Confused with Mommy

Six-year-old boy, about new kitten: That pussycat is crazy! He eats anything and everything... I mean, he was eating carrots! We need to give him a name... How about 'Food Kitty'? Or 'Pussy Eater'?
Mom: Uhhh, no. Not that one.

Polaris Mall
Columbus, Ohio

Overheard by: jweils

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Dooming You to Come on Time for All Eternity

Professor: When you're late, Eric* will take down your name. The first time he'll just tack a threatening note on your door. What did we decide you would do for the second tardy?
Eric: Slash their tires.
Professor: Right. And the third time we'll make pornographic images of you on Photoshop and put them on the Internet.

Hartford, Connecticut

Overheard by: Claire

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Absolute Powerpoint Corrupts Absolutely

Professor flipping rapidly between Powerpoint slides: Take notes now, suckers!

Williamsburg, Virginia

Overheard by: a fan of this professor

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And Leave Wet Spots Wherever They Go

Male professor: Yes, Miss...? Uh...
Hot chick, raising hand: Beaver.
Professor: Beaver? How come I don't remember that being your last name? You don't look like a 'Beaver.' Maybe if you were wet... [Entire class goes silent, then erupts with laughter.]
Professor, embarrassed: I meant because beavers live around the water!

History class, Northern Virginia Community College
Annandale, Virginia

Overheard by: Classmate

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Must... Resist... "Widener"... Joke...

Dignified middle-aged foreigner to three students: Excuse me, can you tell me -- where is the pussy?
Grad student #1, while other two laugh: Pusey Library? You want Level D, then make a right and go down the hall.
Dignified middle-aged foreigner: Thank you. How late is the pussy open?
Grad student #1, losing his composure: Um, yeah. You know, man, that really depends on you. If you're good, it's open all night.

Widener Library, Harvard University
Cambridge, Massachusetts

Overheard by: A.J.S.

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Why Are You Buying a Chocolate Jesus?

Cashier: Merry Christmas.
Customer: You, too.
Cashier: Wait! I gotta be politically correct -- Happy Holidays.
Customer: Yeah, I'm Jewish.
Cashier: Oh my god, me too!
Customer: Then why the fuck are we wishing each other a Merry Christmas?
Cashier: I have no fucking clue.

Wegmans
Manalapan, New Jersey

Overheard by: I celebrate christmas....

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Who Remembers Who Started It? The Important Thing Is We're Going to Finish It

Five-year-old boy walking past deli: Awww... Why do they have to kill chickens?
Seven-year-old sister: Because the chicken is the natural enemy of man.

Maryland

Overheard by: Gary Lewis

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How Do You Think Rush Limbaugh's Lured Three Wives?

Girl #1: Who would you rather sleep with, Dumbledore or Voldemort?
Girl #2: Um, Voldemort.
Girl #1: What?! Why?
Girl #2: I dunno! I mean, Dumbledore's got that beard... Like, it might get all, you know, up in there.
Girl #1: You'd fuck pure evil because he's clean-shaven?

Harry Potter party
Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: harrynhermione

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I Thought the Figure on the Door Was Sporting a Jaunty Kilt

Man in stall on the left: Bill, I think we're in the wrong bathroom.
Man in stall on the right: Yeah, I think I just figured that out.

Women's restroom at United Center
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: the girl in the stall between them

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To Comment, I'd Really Need a Larger Sample

Four-year-old girl looking at Michelangelo's David: Do you see the penis?
Nanny: Yes.
Four-year-old girl: I like the penis! Do you like the penis?
Nanny, turning around and walking away: There's no good way to answer this.

Florence
Italy

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Life Was Better When Knowledge Was the Province Of Those Who Could Lie About It

Biology professor: Hey, didn't they discover that process in corals?
Grad student: No, they discovered that in plants.
Biology professor: That's what I just said!
Grad student: But coral is not a plant.
Biology professor: What? Yes, it is!
Grad student: No, it's not, it's an animal!
Biology professor: Since when?
Grad student: Since always -- go look it up!
Biology professor, after disappearing for five minutes: Fucking Wikipedia...

3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: How'd you get this job, anyway?

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All Part of the Plan to Distract You from the Iraq War

Little boy intently popping bubble wrap: Why must you be so preoccupying? Why?!

Vancouver
Canadia

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90% of the Time, Your Kids Won't Even Appreciate Your Brilliance

Small child, pointing to an "eat pussy" graffiti painted on the side of a restaurant: Daddy, what does that say?
Father: It's a menu.

Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: Chikara

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Don't They Have, Like, a Three-Day Lifespan Anyway?

Mother: So, what did you learn at nursery today?
Excited four-year-old girl: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck-fuck!
Mother: Every time you say that, one of Santa's elves dies, you know.

London
England

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As I Have Noticed Your Lack of Training Wheels

Drunk girl in bar to bartender: You should be so lucky as to have sex with me.
Bartender: I wouldn't fuck you for practice.

Richmond, Virginia

Overheard by: warm ups?

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How You Know You've Raised a Roman

Mother: See that stone sculpture? The lion is attacking the poor man underneath it. The man may get eaten up by the lion!
Eight-year-old daughter: Go, lion!
Mother: No, no, no, no!

www.talovich.blogspot.com

Overheard by: Yugan

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Yeah, We Quit at Least Once a Day

Girl #1: Lately it feels like I'm on fire when I have sex.
Girl #2: That's what happened when I had gonorrhea.
Guy at next table: Wow. Those girls were pretty hot before I heard that... I have to stop eavesdropping.

Shout-out: www.overheardatmcgill.com

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Stop Being White in Popeye's!

Black girl #1: Okay, I know what I'm getting. Do you know what you're getting?
White girl: I've never been here before. Let me look for a while. [Pauses, then yells.] Wait a minute! Popeye's a sailor; Why does he sell chicken?
Black girl #2: Oh my god, shut up now or no more vodka for you for the rest of the night!
White girl: Okay. [Giggles.] I'm sorry.
[Black girls start talking to each other.]
White girl, yelling: Why are there no white people in here?!
Black girl #1: Aww fuck, take her outside to the car. This is her first and last time ever coming here!

Popeye's
Trenton, New Jersey

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And Can I Use Your Leg As a Scratching Post?

Patron #1: Keith is really sorry to have acted like that.
Bartender: Does he even realize how drunk he was?
Patron #1: I'm just saying, that is not the Keith we know
Patron #2: [starts laughing].
Bartender: Well, he is a nice guy, he just gets too drunk.
Patron #1: I'm just letting you know, that according to all the cats he knows, you are the meow [makes a pawing gesture].
Bartender: Okay, how drunk are you?
Patron #2: He doesn't even know who Keith is.
Patron #1: Where are we?

Bennigans
Tampa, Florida

Overheard by: Chris

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In Halifax, You Keep Warm Any Way You Can

Cashier: Do you want a bag for those?
Man buying condoms: No, I want to wear them home.

Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia

Overheard by: C

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A Great Solution to All This Would Be to Have One or Two More Kids

Dad, screaming at four kids: Get back here, you little bastards! If you don't behave, I'll make you sleep in the hotel bathroom when we get there! [10-year-old drops his ticket, and it starts blowing away.] Jimmy! What the hell?! How could you do something so fucking stupid?! Well, what are you standing there for? Run and get it!
Mom, screaming at dad: Why don't you relax?! He dropped his ticket -- so what, you son of a bitch?! We'll make it there and then you will relax! Your stress issues are really driving me crazy!
Lady behind them in line, to her own husband: I love you, honey.

Airport
Virginia

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Oh, Good, because That's What I'm Getting Him

Old lady: You know how it's Jake's* birthday in a week or two? And you know how he likes black leather?
20-ish granddaughter, whispering: Grandma! You're making him sound like a homosexual!
Old lady: Well, it's not like I'm going to get him assless chaps.

Eagle Ridge Hospital
Coquitlam, Bristish Columbia
Canadia

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Also, Instead of Lab Equipment, I've Purchased Myself Extra Scotch

Poli-Sci professor putting a picture of a panda bear on overhead projector: Well, normally we'd talk about the syllabus right now, but our department's so cheap they couldn't print a syllabus for each of you, so I'll show you a picture of a panda instead.

Shout-out: www.overheardinathens.com

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Works for The White House Budget Office

Girlfriend: Oooh! Baby, we should get a dozen donuts!
Boyfriend: Okay. Do you wanna pick six, and I'll pick six? [Girlfriend gives icy stare.] Fine, you pick all twelve. I don't care.
Girlfriend: Twelve? I said I want a dozen.
Boyfriend: Um, honey, twelve is a dozen.
Girlfriend: I know what a dozen is, and it's not fucking twelve! I'm not fucking stupid, you know!
Boyfriend: You're, like 25 years old! How can you not know what a dozen is?
Girlfriend: I know what a fucking dozen is! [Looks around] What the fuck are all of you laughing at?!

King Soopers Dairy
Denver, Colorado

Overheard by: We were right to point and laugh

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Americans Have Always Been More Interested in Style Than in Content

British professor: I was walking around Oxford one day and I heard these two young lads, couldn't have been more than eight, say "bitches and hoes."
Student: Could you please say that phrase again?
British professor: ... No.

University of San Diego
San Diego, California

Overheard by: Leah

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