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Hilarious, But Horrible.
Girl, to friend: Yeah, so I was in the middle of fucking him when she called... And I all I could say was, "you've got a friend in me..."
Friend: You are a horrible person.
Montclair, New Jersey
Overheard by: CS
Denzel Only Works on Tuesdays, People.
Train operator: The middle door of the third car of this train will not take you to a magical fantasy land where you meet Denzel Washington. It will merely take you to Grovesnor, like every other door on this train.
dcist.com
I Won't Go to the U.S., and That's Final
Redheaded woman, firmly: No, I don't mind scummy, I don't mind stabby, but I am not living somewhere that's famous for racial assaults and acid attacks.
Despondent man: I'm just asking you to think about it.
Marylebone Station
London
England
Overheard by: Bleepette
Also, I've Graded Your Midterms.
English professor, discussing fairy tales: Think of The Beauty and the Beast. You can't have talking clocks, candelabra, or teacups. And if I'm really ruining your day, there's no Santa, either.
University of Louisville
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: ...wait a minute, what??
Just Remember, the 8 O'Clock Show Is Completely Different from the 10 O'Clock Show
Hobo to group of teens in front of drugstore: If you can guess what my favorite band is, I'll give you this dollar. It starts with an "l".
Teen boy: Um, Led Zeppelin?
Hobo, frustrated and throwing the money at them: Fuck you, man! Fuck you!
Drugstore manager, coming out of drugstore, to teens: Did you just throw something at this man?
Teen girl #1: No, he threw something at us.
Teen girl #2: He told us he'd give us a dollar if we guessed the name of his favorite band. It starts with an "l".
Drugstore manager: Led Zeppelin?
Hobo: Fuck you, man!
Studio City, California
Overheard by: Urz
Mr. Blevins Was Somewhat Delayed in North Africa
Old man at bank counter: I'd like to cash this cheque for £5, 6 shillings and 9 pence.
20-something female cashier: Erm... Sorry?
Old man: I'd like to cash this cheque for £5, 6 shillings and 9 pence.
20-something female cashier: Sir... This cheque was written in 1958.
Old man: I'm 96 years old! I just want to cash my cheque.
20-something female cashier: I appreciate that sir, but the pound has been decimal for around 40 years now... It's 2012. This is in pre-decimal currency... I don't know if we can cash it.
Old man: I'm 96, I don't need any hassle! I want to see the manager!
Bank manager, coming over: Is there a problem, sir? (cashier explains situation) Ah... Right... Erm... Ok. (pause) Well, if you'd like to step this way sir, we'll see if we can deal with this over a cup of tea.
Old man, disappearing into office with manager: I'm 96! I fought in World War II and you tell me I can't cash a bloody cheque!?
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
God Forbid Anybody Check a Fucking Bag
British guy putting bags in overhead compartment, after woman taps him on shoulder: Yes?
Woman: You have two bags.
British guy: What?
Woman: You're only allowed one.
British guy: Sit down and mind your own business.
Woman: It's because of people like you that there's no space left for the rest of us. How is it fair that you can do that?
British guy: You're twice the fucking weight that I am yet only had to buy one ticket. How's that fair?
Amsterdam
Netherlands
Overheard by: The guy who was killing himself laughing in the next row
Also Why Santa Needs to Get Blitzened.
Panic-stricken 20-something girl, dashing into pub: Oh god, oh god, oh god. (to barman) Large gin and tonic please.
Barman, returning with gin and tonic: Christmas shopping?
Panic-stricken 20-something girl: Yeah. (downs g&t in one go) Fuck, I needed that...
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Mom Was Never the Same After My Birth
Referee: The puck is loose! It's loose it's loose!
Player on the bench, muffled: Your mom is loose!
Referee: I heard that.
Hockey Rink
Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: penguins
Raise Your Hand If You See a Problem
30-something guy, far too drunk to walk, kneeling in front of pub bar, waving £20 note: Can I have... (several seconds of mumbling) a pint.
Barmaid: I can't serve you.
30-something guy: Why not?
Barmaid: Because you can't talk properly, you can't stand up, you look like you might wet yourself, and you sound like you've had a stroke.
30-something guy: Can I have a pint?
Barmaid: Fuck's sake... I can't serve you.
30-something guy: Why not?
Barmaid: No... I can't serve *you*.
30-something guy: All I want is another pint...
Barmaid, sighing: Get the fucking hint... I can't serve *you*.
30-something guy's friend, taking his money: He'll have a pint.
Barmaid: No problem. (pours pint and gives it to 30-something guy's friend, who hands it to 30-something guy)
Coventry
England
Overheard by: Bleep
I Reserve the Right to Annoy Them, with This Tap Dance Routine
Flight attendant: Please turn all unapproved portable electronic devices such as laptops, iPods, cell phones, blackberries, coconuts, peaches, grapes, kiwis, or whatever the hell else y'all call them things. Also, if your child comes with a vibrate setting, set them to that mode now so if they go off during the flight the rest of your fellow passengers will not be annoyed.
Flight
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: Mala K
Touche, Little Man.
30-something mom, examining mark on son's face: What happened to your face?
Four-year-old son: What happened to your face?!
Chicago, Illinois
...in Her Amateur Porno The Adventures Of Gummy and Pokey
Older lady #1: Have you seen Martha lately? She's lost a lot of weight.
Older lady #2: No, I haven't. How'd she do it?
Older lady #1: Well, she recently got dentures, so I guess she can't really eat anymore.
Older lady #2: Oh my!
Older lady #1: But damn she looks good!
Indiana
Or the Consequences Will Be Dire.
Four-year-old girl, pointing stern finger at drawing of a pink unicorn: I command you to dance!
Bakersfield, California
Overheard by: Mella
May I Challenge You to a Duel?
Little boy running up to older stranger, yelling: Hey, I have a penis! Do you?
Older man: Yes.
Little boy: We have a penis! Yay!
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Dutch
No, That's Not It.
Girl #1: What's his name then? Bocca?
Girl #2: Yeah, "Bocca," actually maybe "Bocco"?
Girl #3: Nah, not Bocca, I definitely heard "Boccie." Hang on let's ask him (to guy) Sorry, what's your name again?
Guy: Mark.
Restaurant
England
Remember When I Used to Make That Joke About Internet Stock? Good Times!
Male flight attendant: Here at Southwest, we no longer accept cash, but we'll take credit cards, blood, deeds to your house... Oh, wait. Those aren't worth anything anymore. You can hang on to those.
El Paso International Airport
El Paso, Texas
He Just Wanted My Dough
Man, last year I was obsessed with him. I had his t-shirts, posters, everything. But now I look back and realize, it's just Cookie Monster.
Virginia
Or Getting Stabbed, Fucking
Guy #1, in club: What're you doing back here? I thought she was well up for a shag?
Guy #2: Yeah, she fucking was.
Guy #1: So, what the fuck?
Guy #2: Mate, she lives in fucking Lozells.
Guy #1: So fucking what? A shags a shag.
Guy #2: Remember? The last fucking girl I slept with who was from Lozells stabbed me? I ain't fucking getting stabbed again.
Birmingham
England
Overheard by: Bleep
The Original Plot Of Billy Elliot Inspired No One.
AP lit teacher: I really did have a student do interpretive dance for a project once. He was really serious, too. He turned the lights off and had this techno music going--for two or three minutes. It was difficult for us not to start laughing. It was so ridiculous! I felt kind of bad. But then he stopped dancing, turned on the lights, and said "that was a lot better when I was practicing alone in my room naked!" Then he went to his desk and sulked for the rest of the period.
Michigan
...Good God, That's Not Beer!
Female student #1: Why can't I be classy like you?
Female student #2: Darling, you are!
Female student #1: But I'm drinking beer.
Female student #2: So what? I was drinking beer.
Female student #1: But I found this one on a random table and I have no idea whose it is.
Female student #2: Maybe not, then...
Nightclub
Norwich
England
See, That's the Spirit!
Shocked woman: What do you mean you took out a loan? Do you have any idea how long it's going to take to pay off? You're unemployed, for god's sake!
Indifferent man: Pffft... I won't have to pay it back. Obama is going to lose the election and the Republicans will get in. Then they'll nuke the fuck out of everyone, for Jesus. May as well enjoy life now.
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
...Your Majesty
Guy to friend: Well, you're from England and she's Canadian, so it probably has something to do with the metric system.
Lexington, Kentucky
Didn't You Used to Live in New York?
Mother to fussy infant: We are not friends. Do you hear me? What is it about me that makes you want to throw up?
Chesapeake, Virginia
From How to Get British Girls Wet From Across the Street
Drunk 20-something guy, shouting across street to group of girls: Tracy! I think you're fit! I'm going to take you home and wank your pussy till it's ragged!
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Happens a Lot on Jeff Goldblum's Flights
Pilot on PA: Folks, we're going to be dimming the lights in the cabin, so if you're creeped out by your neighbor, just hit the button above your head with the light bulb on it.
Southwest Flight over Dulles Airport
Washington, DC
Overheard by: and I was, too
Can't It Be Both?
Angry teacher: This is a fire drill, not a get-naked drill!
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: J-face
For the Last Time, He's Tibetan and He's Just My Slave
Girl #1: Hey Rachel*, now that Wendy* is getting married, you're next!
Girl #2: Don't make me deflect pressure by calling attention to your illegitimate Bhutanese child.
San Francisco, California
...That She Stole from the Set Of Keeping Up with the Kardashians
Drunken bar patron: Seriously, she looks like she got shot in the face with a make-up gun set on whore.
Iowa
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