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Wait-- What Exactly Are You Using As a Volleyball?
Mom to three-year-old son under the table: Whatcha' doin' under there, buddy?
Three-year-old son: Playing volleyball.
Dad: Volleyball? Smells like you're pooping your pants.
Three-year-old son, giggling: I am.
Three-year-old son's sister to friend: See, I told you it wasn't the food.
Los Tres Amigos Mexican Restaurant
Michigan
Overheard by: Scott
Categories: Default | Family ties | Food | Girls | Guys | Kids | Kids | Lies | Michigan | Moms | Poop | Questions | Restaurants | Sensory experiences | Siblings | Posted 2008-04-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Using a Venus Razor Does Not Make You a Goddess, Ms. Pratt
English teacher: It's a big responsibility to be a goddess, it troubles me all the time.
A.C. Flora High School
Columbia, South Carolina
Categories: Bragging | Default | Gripes | Pride | Religion | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | South Carolina | Teachers | Women | Posted 2008-04-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Nala Would Be an Animal in Bed, Though
Drunk college guy: Is that Nala?
Drunk college chick: She is so pretty... Don't you think she's pretty?
Drunk college guy: I'm not really into cartoons...[after several seconds] I gotta say, though, Kim pretty hot.
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Megan
I'm... Black?
Traffic cop: She said, "Do you like it?" and I was like, "Yeah, it looks really nice." And then she said, "Is it subtle?" and I was like "Jenny*, you're a black woman with orange and yellow hair!"
Plymouth, Michigan
Overheard by: Morgz
Or A-Rod's Rod
Obnoxious 20-something chick: We went to a Yankees game and had the worst seats ever. We didn't even see Derek Jeter's ass! ... Or anyone's ass.
IHOP
Green Bay, Wisconsin
Jacoby & Meyers?
Tween: I mean, who just calls to say, how are you, I hear you got punched in the face?
Mom: Totally...
San Diego, California
Overheard by: SaraSmile
Does Your Violin Bow Double As a Crowbar?
Asian boy trying to open locked door: Man, how am I supposed to open this with my super Asian powers?!
Townview Magnet Center
Dallas, Texas
...Full Of Heroin?
Middle-aged black woman to husband: Baby, you remember that time I shot you?
CVS
Indianapolis, Indiana
Categories: Crimes | Default | Hubbies | Memory lane | Questions | Relationships | Stores | Thugs | Violence | Women | Posted 2008-04-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Wonder If the Hospital Would Give Me a Discount If I Produced in Bulk
Black woman, to friend: I love Costco. It makes me like, want to have five kids.
Costco
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Default | Feelings | Friends | Gender issues | Offspring | Pennsylvania | Shopping | Stores | Wishes | Women | Posted 2008-04-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ever Seen a Cooch Do Three Snaps in Z-Formation?
Girl: Ryan, if you had a vagina, what would she wear?
Boy: She? What if I had a male vagina?
Boy #2: Oh, he would be so sassy!
Melbourne, Florida
Overheard by: Livi
I'm Turning Inside Out for Halloween
Girl: I think my ribs are double-jointed.
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Kelsey
Categories: Body parts | Default | Fears | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Missouri | Science | Weirdness | Posted 2008-04-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Well, That Self-Actualization Seminar Was a Bust
Nine year-old girl: I want that shirt and you are going to get it for me. Any questions?
Mom: Many. Shut up and put the damn shirt back.
Target
Atlanta, Georgia
And Shoes. Don't Forget Shoes
High school chick #1: Omygod, I totally love him.
High school chick #2: Omygod, me too.
High school chick #1: I mean, he is like easily the hottest guy at our school.
High school chick #2: Oh totally. Like he is soooo cute.
[pause].
High school chick #2: What does he look like again?
High school chick #1: Um, like, I think he wears jeans a lot.
Lambton Quay
Wellington
New Zealand
Categories: Beauty | Chicks | Clothes | Default | Feelings | New Zealand | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Sexuality | Students | Teens | Posted 2008-04-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And You Can Only Show the Video to a Limited Audience
Girl #1: At least he didn't say what JD said to me the other night. He said I was boring in the bedroom because I didn't try new things.
Girl #2: Oh my god!
Girl #1: Yeah and I told him, well how am I supposed to know what to do? I was a virgin before you. Well, not literally a virgin, but close enough!
Girl #2: So what are you going to do?
Girl #1: Well, I told him that when we go on vacation, we can have a threesome. But it has to be someone I'll never see again.
New Brunswick, New Jersey
Overheard by: Slutgers Girl
Categories: Bimbettes | Default | Friends | Girls | Gripes | New Jersey | Offers and requests | Relationships | Sex | Sexuality | Posted 2008-04-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Can You Even Use "Oxygen" As a Verb Like That?
Male flight attendant: ... And if you brought more than two children with you today, decide which your favorite is and oxygen that one first.
Southwest Airlines Flight #135
Categories: Advice | Airports & flights | Compare and contrast | Default | Etiquette | Family ties | Flight attendants | Guys | Jerks | Offspring | Threats | Weirdness | Posted 2008-04-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or Is That Necrophilia?
Social problems teacher: So what are some social problems that affect us today?
Female student: Murder?
Teacher: Yeah, that's good. [writes it on the white board.] Any others?
Male student: Narcissism?
Teacher: I don't quite understand...
Male student: Well if people are falling asleep all the time and they don't know it...
Grand Rapids Community College
Grand Rapids, Michigan
But He's Our President, So We Have to Listen
Guy in restaurant to female companion: Of course, this is coming from a guy who eats potpourri...
Central Avenue
Cincinnati, Ohio
And Cute Buttplug!
Woman drying her hands, nonchalantly, to woman ball-gagged and tied to a toilet: "Oh, you changed your hair. It looks pretty."
Women's Bathroom, Bondage-a-GoGo
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Ladle
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Beauty | Compliments | Default | Hair | San Francisco | Women | Posted 2008-04-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We're Getting Closer to an Answer All the Time
Guy #1: How much have you had to drink?
Guy #2: Just beers.
Guy #1: But how many?
Guy #2: Just beers.
Guy #1: Yeah, how many beers have you had?
Guy #2: Yeah.
Guy #1: How many have you had though?
Guy #2: I'm only drinking beers tonight.
Pinehaven
New Zealand
Overheard by: Schmitty
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Default | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Guys | Idiots | New Zealand | Questions | Stupidity | Words | Posted 2008-04-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Always a Burning Question
Sensitive soul: Why would I fuck you if you have a rash?
Dining Hall, Stony Brook University
Stony Brook, New York
Overheard by: Slightly amused but scared
And Won First Prize at the Science Fair
Serious drunk guy: I made babies with a woman!
BrewFest
Jenkintown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Drunk Girl
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Default | Drunks | Guys | Offspring | Pennsylvania | Relationships | Sexuality | Weirdness | Posted 2008-04-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Well, You're Not Gonna Turn Kids Off Sex with the Truth!
Health teacher: Man, you girls these days! Wanting to have all the wrong kinds of fun... You know what, if a vagina was used by 15 different people, that vagina would probably be as wide as this door!
McNair Academic High School
Jersey City, New Jersey
Categories: Advice | Default | Education | Etiquette | Health & Hygiene | New Jersey | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Sexuality | Teachers | Vagina | Posted 2008-04-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And You Stole Me from a Playground!
Little boy, standing next to a car: Daddy, this isn't our car! Daddy, what are you doing? This isn't our car!
Man: Look, buddy, you've got to stop saying that when we're in parking lots. [to a couple walking by] I just got a new car.
Little boy: No you didn't!
AMC Theatres
Owings Mills, Maryland
Overheard by: they steal cars, dont they?
Categories: Advice | Compare and contrast | Dads | Default | Family ties | Fears | Kids | Kids | Lies | Maryland | Posted 2008-04-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But the Make-a-Wish People Laughed at Me
Drunk guy to two girls: No, really! My ultimate fantasy is to have sex with a ridiculously hot girl while you two are on the futon eating cheetos!
Aburn University
Auburn, Alabama
...Through Binoculars.
Music History prof taking roll: Jane Smith?
Jane: Here.
Prof: Oh, there you are. I'm just used to seeing you from behind.
Hartford, Connecticut
Categories: Ass | Compare and contrast | Connecticut | Creepsters | Default | Education | Etiquette | Girls | Names | Students | Teachers | Posted 2008-04-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Wait, It's Fall? How Long Was I Playing That Wii?
Boyfriend, looking around suspiciously: ... It smells funny...
Girlfriend: It's the outside!
Webster City, Iowa
Overheard by: Phoebe
Categories: Compare and contrast | Couples | Default | Girls | Guys | Iowa | Sensory experiences | Threats | Posted 2008-04-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How Everybody Reacts to Ann Coulter's Baby Pictures
Liberal student, passing photo of cute baby: Aw... [realizing it's an ad for campus pro-life group] ... Ugh.
Princeton University
New Jersey
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Feelings | Health & Hygiene | New Jersey | Politics | Pregnancy | Students | Posted 2008-04-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Try Not to Taste or Touch Them, Okay?
Automated train station announcement: Castro street station.
Excited little girl: Yay! Castro!
Bystander: The dictator or the district?
Excited little girl thinks for a second: The rainbows!
Castro Street Station
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Dawn
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Kids | Names | Politics | Public Transportation | San Francisco | Weirdness | Words | Posted 2008-04-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The 1990's Called...
Philosophy professor, proving his argument: Therefore, if I don't get a little crazy, then I'm never gonna survive.
Michigan State University
Michigan
Overheard by: sjshock
Categories: Character | Class | Death & dying | Default | Guys | Mental illnesses | Michigan | Teachers | Threats | Posted 2008-04-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We're Hoping She Stays Out of the Minibar
Blonde on cell: We got a nice hotel room for our cat.
Montgomery and California
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Ladle
Categories: Animals | California | Default | Holidays | Idiots | On the phone | Stupidity | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2008-04-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or "Freshmen"
Lit professor: Now, when we plant humans and they grow, we call those "zombies".
University of Mary Washington
Fredericksburg, Virginia
It'll Pop Up Again in the Spring
Guy #1: Are you gonna get tested?
Guy #2: I think the Lauren thing pretty much takes care of it.
Guy #3: You should still get tested.
Guy #2: Yeeeah, but I don't like getting blood taken from me and I don't have any like, symptoms, so...
Guy #3: Well, I haven't seen your penis.
Simon Fraser University
British Columbia
Canadia
Categories: Advice | Canadia | Colleges & Universities | Default | Friends | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Penis | STDs | Sexuality | Posted 2008-04-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And No Finger-Cymbals for You Tonight.
Screaming seven-year-old on the ground: But I want to sing! I want to sing now!
Patient but angry mom: Well, you should have thought about that before. It's too late. Now get your kazoo and get in the car.
Easley High
Easley, South Carolina
The Difference between Boys and Girls
Guy to girlfriend: My dick is aching for your vagina.
Girl: I missed you too.
Barista cafe
Mumbai
India
Overheard by: mehr
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Compliments | Default | Etiquette | Girls | Guys | India | Penis | Relationships | Sex | Vagina | Wishes | Words | Posted 2008-04-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Then the Mescaline Wore Off, and I Was Naked in a Public Fountain
Crazy man on stoop, to couple walking German shepherd: Yo! Is that one of them orangutan dogs? I saw me one of them orangutans... It jumped right in the river and started catching fish. Yes it did!
Federal Hill, Baltimore
Kendra Wilkinson's Major Life Accomplishment
Preppy girl on cell: the longest amount of time I've had pubic hair is three days.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: kt
Categories: Default | Etiquette | Gender issues | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Massachusetts | On the phone | Preppies | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Sexuality | Shaving | Teens | Vagina | Posted 2008-04-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Happy Birthday to You/ Don't Bend to Tie Your Shoe
Girl #1: Hanging out with him on his birthday was so much fun!
Girl #2: Oh, I heard about that! He went to jail, right?
Brooklyn Avenue
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Glad they're not my friends