Now If Only Someone Would Pick Up My Screenplay for Baroque Back Mountain

Queer: They're putting out a film about Mary, Queen of Scots. This is, like, the best year ever. I just saw a documentary about the Tudors. I am so excited.

University Co-Op Outlet
Austin, Texas

Overheard by: Merey

Her Hit Record is Called "I'm a Mink Carcass-Schlepping Slave 4 U"

Crazy lady wearing only a bra: Well, my daddy says we should take my show on the road. I'm a singer, you know. I'm famous in Eastern Europe.
Dumbfounded drunk girls: Uh-huh... Totally.

Las Vegas, Nevada

Overheard by: Kari Nott

This Is Mathilda's Follow-Up Question to Everything

Young girl: Where is your husband?
Old woman: Oh, honey, my husband is up in heaven.
Young girl: I'm sorry... Did he get eaten by a crocodile?

Flight to Bermuda

Overheard by: elizabeth

Sometimes I Add Light Slapping.

Man: Hey, asshole, get off the cellphone.
Dude: Excuse me...?
Man: The street car is a public space. Get off the cellphone or get off the street car!
Dude: No.
Man: Yes! I don't want to have to hear you yapping away--
Dude: --Why don't you get off, then, buddy?
Man: This is a public space! Stop polluting the space with your hot air!
Dude: No.
Man: Yes.
Dude: No! [Into cell] Oh, nothing, Bruce. Just some loser on the street car...
Man: Hey!
Dude: Yeah?
Man: You're fat and ugly, you know that?
Dude, leaving: Screw you!
Man, to entire street car: I do this every Sunday...

Toronto, Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: damn hiatus

She's Been Full of Herself Ever Since Daddy Warbucks Adopted Her

Girl: ... And she put all of these articles about how awesome redheads are and how rare they are all over the door and stuck Post-it notes on them saying things like, 'I am a genetic rebel!'

Illinois

Overheard by: Claire

How Prince Charming Ended Up with a Glass Slipper Up His Ass

Ghetto chick: It's 10 minutes to midnight -- I'm 'bout to turn into a bitch.

Magic Stick
Detroit, Michigan

Overheard by: Swells

Why Some Churches Have Ejector Pews

Little girl to priest: Why is it called 'Good Friday' if that's when they killed Jesus?

Homestead, Florida

Just Made My Last Payment

Hippie chick: I am the proud owner of an American vagina, thank you very much.

Western Washington University
Bellingham, Washington

Overheard by: Rachel

The Optimum Condition for Religious Instruction

Guy #1: Dude, you look tired today.
Guy #2: Nope, just stoned.
Guy #1: Oh, true.

Religion class, All Saints High School
Whitby, Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: freshman whisperer

This Is Just Like the Time You Confused Earl Grey and Chamomile

Football player to another: Fuck you, dude. These are spirit fingers, and these are jazz hands!

University of Colorado
Denver, Colorado

I Thought David Spade Seemed Nice

Dude to friends: He was a fiend, I tell you! He's a fiend in woman's form.

University of Liverpool
United Kingdom

Did It Bring the Boys to the Yard?

Girl #1: So, do you know what she told me? Her mother walked in and she was you-know-what-ing... with the milkshake maker!
Girl #2: Huh?
Girl #1: She was -- y'know -- using it down there!
Girl #2: What?!
Girl #1: Gross, I know.
Girl #2: ... Did she make a milkshake with it afterwards?

Newtown, NSW
Australia

Overheard by: buzzcut

I'm Sorry, Miss, but His Holiness Can't Take Your Call

Excited girl on cell: So, I'm sorry to wake you, but do you still wear those crazy socks? Or do you only wear white ones?

K-Mart
North Carolina

Always Sniffing My Delicate Petals

Science professor: So, the flower has this thing in it that looks exactly like a female wasp, and it smells like a female wasp. So, the male wasp comes up and tries to mate with it -- tries to copulate with it... I had a roommate like that once.

Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York

Overheard by: Russ

The Best Pennsylvania Has to Offer

Thugette #1: Girl, you slept wif him?!
Thugette #2: I know -- he ugly and got crabs, but I made him buy me drugs first.
Thugette #1: True dat.

Campus shuttle, Millersville University
Millersville, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Steveo

Absolute Powerpoint Corrupts Absolutely

Professor flipping rapidly between Powerpoint slides: Take notes now, suckers!

Williamsburg, Virginia

Overheard by: a fan of this professor

The Only Thing Less Appetizing Than the Staff Is the Hamburgers

Guy: The only thing greasier than Johnny Rockets' hamburgers is the staff.

South Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Herbie McHebrew

I Went for the Preschool Pu-Pu Platter

Professor: Did those cops find you the other day? They were waiting outside the classroom.
Student: I know. You're not kidding.
Professor: No, I'm not.
Student: Yeah, I kidnapped the kids over Christmas.
Professor: Good for you.

Arkansas State University
Arkansas

What Does It Sound Like?

Little girl: If you take my Timon and Pumbaa straw, I will kill you.
Mother: Is that a threat?

Denver, Colorado

How You Know You've Raised a Roman

Mother: See that stone sculpture? The lion is attacking the poor man underneath it. The man may get eaten up by the lion!
Eight-year-old daughter: Go, lion!
Mother: No, no, no, no!

www.talovich.blogspot.com

Overheard by: Yugan

Yeah, I'm the Smart-Ass Who Isn't Out of Insulin

Woman behind counter: The doctor isn't here.
Old lady: What about a nurse?
Woman behind counter: The nurses aren't allowed to write prescriptions.
Old lady: Well, you know, you're a fucking smartass.

Memphis, Tennessee

Overheard by: Jesa

Dude, We're So Not Coming Over. Ever.

Drunk guy to two chicks: I was so tanked last night that I don't know if I shit in my bed or if somebody else shit in my bed as a joke, but someone definitely shit in my bed. It was a pretty good party, though.

dcist.com

The Technical Term Is "Cellmates"

Man #1: You can fuck any part of the body if you have a sharp object close by.
Man #2: Just shut up and give me a beer.
Man #1: Seriously. Wouldn't it be great if you were fucking someone's ribs, and just as you came you punctured their lung, and with their last dying breath, it shot out their nose?
Man #2: Why are we friends?

Biddeford, Maine

You Know Things Are Bad When Canadians Are Laughing at You

Nerd: Wait until I build my synthetic body -- then we'll see who's laughing!

University of Saskatchewan
Saskatchewan
Canadia

You'll Be Back

Student: I'm so angry about having to pay for social security and all that crap when I'm never going to see it myself. Heck, my parents won't even see it! They can't retire until they're like eighty. This country sucks! I'm moving to Iran.

Art studio, East Carolina University
Greenville, North Carolina

So Let's Ignore His Excruciated Moans and Get Back to Work

Teacher, to students: ... And it's not like he's going to need that testicle...

Poole Grammar School
England

How I Look Forward to Your Wedding Day

Mother to son: One day you will eat blood, and your stomach will say, 'Oh, no, no, no!' and it will come right back up.

Steak & Shake
Springfield, Missouri

Overheard by: Mallory

And Following Them to Their Logical Conclusion

Discouraged guy to pal: I can't stop having erections!

St-Jean Street
Old Quebec City
Canadia

Overheard by: My mom u-turned on the sidewalk and started running after him!

I'm Pretty Sure Bill O'Reilly Claims To

Little girl: Mom, why isn't my last name 'Christ'? Why doesn't everyone have the last name 'Christ'?

Hill Air Force Base
Utah

Overheard by: Wasn't his middle name H?

Snow White Has Strong Feelings about Little People

Guy #1: If I make a lot of money, I'm gonna hire a dwarf to stand on a stool and help me wash in the shower.
Guy #2: Why couldn't you get a full-sized woman to do that?
Nearby chick: I hope neither of you ever make any money.

Stanford, Connecticut

Boys Are So Frightened of Wolf Titties

Sorority girl: Yeah, he like, totally judges me for having fourteen nipples.

Georgia Tech
Atlanta, Georgia

Using the Red Pen Makes Me Tingle in My Naughty Places

Teacher on cell, grading papers: On the whole, these papers have been disappointingly good.

Columbus Airport
Ohio

Overheard by: confabulation Nation

Smarter Friends Might Help

Girl #1: He has, like, ACD or something!
Girl #2: You mean 'OCD.'
Girl #3: No, you mean 'ADD.'
Girl #1: Wait, no. I meant depression. He has depression.

Wal-Mart
Syracuse, New York

Plus, You Get to Have Boobs

Asian girl: Well, I don't know what it's like being white.
White girl: You feel guilty all the time.
White guy: Yeah, for things you never did.
Asian girl: Awesome!

Centennial College
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: Meech

It's More Like a Slightly Intoxicated Ferret

20-something on cell: My soul is not a constipated gerbil!

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

It's Kinda Like a Rorschach for Sexual Deviance

Freshman girl: I see a rubber glove, and I don't think it's a rubber glove -- I think it's a condom for a guy with five dicks.

Newton North High School
Newton, Massachusetts

How to Come Out to Your Friends in One Easy Step.

Guy #1: What if Heather was a guy?
Guy #2: If Heather was a guy, then I'd be gay.
Guy #3: If I was a guy, then I'd be gay!
Guy #1: ... Wait, what?

Cupertino High School
Cupertino, California

Overheard by: shyinvisiblegirl

You Liked Gin Yesterday.

Grouchy mother to small child in stroller: I wipe your butt! The least you can do is share my drink!

Mall
Pennsylvania

Not As Hairy As Her Chin, but Close

Cub Scout #1: Your dad has hairy arms.
Cub Scout #2: You know what else is hairy? His penis!
Cub Scout #1: Yeah. So is my mom's.

Cub Scout Camp
Pennsylvania

We Don't Want to Get Him Confused with Mommy

Six-year-old boy, about new kitten: That pussycat is crazy! He eats anything and everything... I mean, he was eating carrots! We need to give him a name... How about 'Food Kitty'? Or 'Pussy Eater'?
Mom: Uhhh, no. Not that one.

Polaris Mall
Columbus, Ohio

Overheard by: jweils

If I Make It Seem Longer, You'll Feel You Got Your Money's Worth

Flight attendant, before takeoff: My name is Marynell. That's 'Mary' and 'Nell,' not just Mary... But that's probably too much information since this is such a short flight.

United flight 6056
Madison, Wisconsin to Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: archdiva

Until She Found a Market for the Photos on the Internet

Professor: Sorry if you've been excited to see how you did on your essays, but I didn't get a chance to mark them over Christmas break.
Class: [Groans.]
Professor: Well, my testicles swelled to the size of grapefruit over the holiday break, so don't think you're the only ones disappointed. My wife wasn't thrilled, either.

York University
Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: decidingwhethertolaughornot

Well You Asked, Mom.

Dude on cell: Well, I'm either gonna go see the hypnotist or masturbate.

James Madison University
Harrisonburg, Virginia

Overheard by: asm

Throw in a Vibrating Shower-Head and You've Got a Party

Girl: An Ambien in the shower is almost as good as a Screwdriver in the shower.

Lexington, Virginia

Overheard by: Kelly

Do Your Worst; I'