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Which Was My Platform When I Ran for Congress
Professor: Facts are doo-doo.
UC Davis
Davis, California
Overheard by: Biology Student
Categories: California | Education | Teachers | Posted 2008-01-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And That I'm Getting a Free Dinner
Man to girl he's trying to hit on: [Flashes American Express card] What does this mean to you?
Girl: ... It means you're a douche.
Edendale Grill
Los Angeles, California
Categories: California | Chicks | Insults | Jerks | Posted 2008-01-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Uncontrollable Urge to Enter Other People's Conversations, for Instance
Guy to girl: Hey, remember when my grandfather went through that phase where he wanted us to be Jewish?
Passerby: It's overrated.
Guy: ... What?
Passerby: Being Jewish -- it's overrated. There's a lot of baggage.
Public Gardens
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Massachusetts | Religion | Strangers | Posted 2008-01-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just Keep Walking, Beatrice
Older lady: What's a whiffy?
Man, confused: What's... a whiffy?
Older lady: Right there! It says, 'Free whiffy' -- W-I-F-I.
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: Jen
Categories: Florida | Old folks | Technology | Words | Posted 2008-01-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or Just Paddle Each Other Like Usual
Guy: You know what we should do this weekend? Roofie each other to see what it feels like!
Colorado State University
Colorado
Categories: Colorado | Drugs | Frat boy types | Posted 2008-01-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
While the Catcher Uses Rye
Little leaguer #1: My team is really good this summer!
Dad: Your team stinks. Your outfielder eats grass.
Little leaguer #2: Yes, but he's going au natural. He also puts sunflower seeds in his ears.
Jacobs Field
Cleveland, Ohio
I'll Now Require an Itemized List
Chick on boat at company party: So, your brother-in-law inherited the porn collection of a dead man? ... Okay, just making sure I understood what we were talking about.
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: stuck on a boat
All I Asked Was, "Can I Buy You a Drink?"
Latina: So, this one time I was giving this guy a blowjob, but I just ate a tuna fish sandwich like 20 minutes before, and the whole time I'm like, 'Don't shoot that shit in my mouth 'cause I'll puke,' right? Then he totally came in my mouth!
White dude: Haha, nice!
Latina: Naw, man -- it was nasty! I fuckin' puked tuna fish all over this dude's dick and balls. It got all in his pubes and everything!
White dude: Wow.
Latina: But yeah, I give good head.
Buffalo Billiards
Washington, DC
Overheard by: procrastiNate
Categories: BJs | Food | Latinas | Washington, DC | Posted 2008-01-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Partial Credit
Teacher, holding up an ulna: Who can tell me what bone this is?
Student: A uterus!
Physiology class
New Jersey
Categories: Body parts | New Jersey | Students | Teachers | Posted 2008-01-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Clawing. Meowing. That Sort of Thing.
Lady on cell: Yeah, I know! When I get wet, I get really aggressive.
37 bus
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: That could go either way...
Categories: Canadia | Gossip | On the phone | Posted 2008-01-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Go a Few Miles South and That's Punishable by Death
Child: Who's Elvis?
Mother, not paying attention: I don't know.
Concerned old lady nearby, to mother: You don't know who Elvis is, honey?
Cincinnati, Ohio
Amazing the Americans Didn't Do It First
Guy #1: Neil, you okay? Are you drunk?
Guy #2: Nah, I'm fine. I've just taken all the effort out of walking.
Oban, Argyll
Scotland
Categories: Guys | Philosophy | Scotland | Posted 2008-01-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's Your Explanation for Everything!
Daughter #1: Mom, do you remember when we were little and we met that little boy whose name was Chelsea?
Daughter #2: Who the hell would name their boy 'Chelsea'?!
Mom: Well, they might have been oriental, you guys.
Columbus, Ohio
... Until You Find Jesus
Thug: Yeah, right... The sign shouldn't read 'Welcome to Omaha' -- it should read 'Welcome to Omaha... You're gonna get fucking lost.'
Omaha, Nebraska
Just to Dip My Celery Stalk in Her Bloody Mary
Drunk guy: Man, that girl was so hot, I'd eat her period!
Marina Del Rey, California
Overheard by: James Jameson
Categories: California | Drunks | Kink | Licking | Posted 2008-01-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How Do You Tap Dance in One?
Frustrated neighbor: It's only gay if we do it outside a vagina!
Derby, Connecticut
Overheard by: Jess
Categories: Connecticut | Idiots | Sexuality | Vagina | Posted 2008-01-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Mean, Priests Know about These Things, Right?
Woman: So then he said either I have to quit smoking, or I have to have a baby.
Outback Steakhouse
Leominster, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Amycakes
Categories: Advice | Gossip | Ladies who lunch | Massachusetts | Posted 2008-01-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
... In Utah
Preppy girl: Oh my god, I have, like, two wives. I think I have a husband... I used to have a boyfriend and two wives.
Guy: That seems to happen to a lot of people...
Amherst, Massachusetts
Overheard by: shiny
Categories: Massachusetts | Preppies | Relationships | Posted 2008-01-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Don't Make Me Start Jabbing You with Pins Again
Man with camera: No, smile. There's no frowning allowed on MySpace anymore. It's a rule. If you want your picture there, you have to smile.
Six-year-old son: Okay.
Man, to other young son: And you -- be serious. No, not like that. Beyond serious. Like you lost your dog -- that serious. No, even more -- like you lost your truck!
Ice rink
Asheville, North Carolina
Categories: Advice | Creepsters | Dads | North Carolina | Posted 2008-01-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We Took Her in for an Emergency Chopstick Abortion
Chick on cell: Haha, she thought it was a baby in the womb, but then I told her it was just sushi!
Toronto Eaton Centre
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Food | Gossip | On the phone | Posted 2008-01-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Meant More of a Moral Worm
Father: ... But worms don't have arms and legs. You have arms and legs, don't you?
Young son: Uh-huh...
Charlestown Square
Newcastle
Australia
Categories: Australia | Body parts | Dads | Posted 2008-01-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But I'd Only Be a Truckstop Ho for Mad Cash
Rich white chick: Fuck, yeah, I'd be a car ho for some sweet cash.
Christchurch, Canterbury
New Zealand
Categories: Bimbettes | Jobs & Careers | New Zealand | Whiteys | Posted 2008-01-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Can't Imagine How That Made 'em the Dominant Culture
Little Hispanic boy: I want more food.
Dad, calmly: Okay. We just have to get another plate.
Little Hispanic boy: But I want more food!
Dad: Okay! We just need to go get you another plate.
Little Hispanic boy: But I want more food!
Dad, yelling: I said 'okay'! I just have to get you a new plate!
Little Hispanic boy, shocked: You yelled at me...
Dad: Well, I tried speaking to you like a white man, but you wouldn't listen.
Chinese buffet
Reading, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Hole
Categories: Dads | Gripes | Pennsylvania | Race | Should have used a condom | Posted 2008-01-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's a Sensitive Matter Only a Truck Full of Syrup Can Resolve
Man on cell: No, Eileen's not too happy with me. I filled her refrigerator with waffles... No, I can't talk about it here.
Public library
Cincinnati, Ohio
Categories: Food | Gossip | Ohio | On the phone | Posted 2008-01-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
See the Homeless People?
Teen girl to friends: Oh, fuck, we're in America.
Border of America and Italy, Epcot, Disney World
Florida
Overheard by: leaving 'America'
We're Going to the Electrolysist.
Three-year-old: I have two daddies! I have two daddies!
Irritated mother, dragging child out of store: Come on.
Target
Merced, California
Overheard by: oh. my. god.
Categories: California | Family ties | Moms | Should have used a condom | Posted 2008-01-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
... While Mine's in the Shop
Chick to friend: Man, you've gotta get laid. I need to live vicariously through someone's vagina.
Village Inn
Anchorage, Alaska
Overheard by: Tabs
A Stable Male Replacement for You Will Do
Black boy, screaming: I want my daddy!
Mom: Your daddy? Who's your daddy?
Gas station
Palm Bay, Florida
Overheard by: Kitty
And Cock-Stopping's an Essential Part of the Smith Charter
Chemistry professor, demonstrating suction filtration: ... And you have to stop the cock before you turn on the water, or it will just [frantic hand motion] come all over your face.
Smith College
Northampton, Massachusetts
Overheard by: amused non-major
Categories: Advice | Animals | Massachusetts | Teachers | Words | Posted 2008-01-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When Was the Last Time You Got 20 Years for Jaywalking?
Guy: Statutory rape is the jaywalking of sex crimes!
Interbay Golf
Seattle, Washington
Categories: Crimes | Guys | Washington | Posted 2008-01-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And You Still Don't
Man looking at anteaters and monkeys in pen: Wow! I didn't know anteaters were a type of monkey!
Primate House, Denver Zoo
Denver, Colorado
I Specialize In Them
Professor: So, there seems to be the notion that a girl who dresses like a slut is asking for it.
Male student: Now, I do not dabble in sluts myself, but I have plenty of friends who do.
Professor: I think we're done for the day.
Sociology class, University of Colorado
Colorado
Fuzzy Wuzzy Was a Bear/ Who Had Almost No Penis There
Girl in bar: He's a big, harmless teddy bear who has sex with people in their sleep.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Mike K
Categories: Chicks | Gossip | Massachusetts | Sex | Posted 2008-01-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That, and When Oprah Appeared to Me in a Popsicle
Cracked-out homeless he-she to girl running from station: Keep on running, mothafuckah! I'll getcha! [Crazy laughter.]
Hipster girl, after he-she walks away: That was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
30th Street station
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: 3 Hipsters
Categories: Hipsters | Homeless | Pennsylvania | Threats | Posted 2008-01-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or Worse, Pussy-Whipped
Girl arguing with boyfriend on speaker phone: I hope you get herpes and get pistol-whipped! [Guy's friend giggles in background.] Is that Nate? I hope he gets herpes and pistol-whipped, too!
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Sarah
Categories: Chicks | Insults | Pennsylvania | Posted 2008-01-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Then I'm Gonna Emancipate Yo' Ass
Angry old man to frat guy: I'm gonna take you out back and teach you who the sixteenth president is.
Pub
Bloomfield, New Jersey
Categories: New Jersey | Old folks | Threats | Posted 2008-01-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Someday She'll Be Allowed to Vote
Girl #1: Are those cows or people?
Girl #2: They're geese.
Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
I Think You'd Be Surprised
Cute queer #1: Yeah, but aren't you worried about the sodomy laws around there?
Cute queer #2: No, not really.
Cute queer #1: My god, why not?
Cute queer #2: I don't think that a fleshlight really counts as sodomy.
Grand Avenue
Saint Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Confused Dyke On The Corner
Um, Hello?
Trailer trash mom to bow-legged child: Stop walkin' like you got turds!
All Star Movies Resort, Disney World
Florida
Overheard by: Stitch Fan
What's the Word for Ironic Irony?
Young hipster dude to older hipster dude: Man, fuck Yanni. That guy sucks. [Mocks his singing] 'The best part of waking up...' Wait, no, that's Michael Bolton. Wait, no, that's Folgers!
Blue line Metro
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Laughing at that guy
Categories: Hipsters | Music | Washington, DC | Posted 2008-01-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Twin Cities Get Ready for Winter
Hipster guy to chick: You know, if you drink a lot of Tabasco, your shit will really burn... No, I don't mean it will hurt. I mean you can light it on fire and it will keep you warm when it's cold out.
Shout-out: www.overheardinminneapolis.com
Overheard by: hungry muppet
Categories: Food | Gossip | Hipsters | Overheard in Minneapolis | Posted 2008-01-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Are Those Fangs on the Clasp?
Girl: So, my boyfriend couldn't take off my bra. I told him I'd wear the front-clasp one next time. He was like, 'I don't want your pity bra!' Wanna try?
Queer pal, trying to remove bra: Oh my god! This is not a pity bra! This is the meanest bra in the whole world!
Montreal
Canadia
The Kid Used to Invent Statistics for the Bush Administration
Teacher: You will build a car from a mouse trap.
Student #1: Those things are dangerous!
Teacher: What?
Student #1: People have died from them!
Student #2: Who's died from a mousetrap?
Student #1: Over 16 babies have been killed by mousetraps.
Teacher, after pause: People, keep your babies away from it.
Shout-out: overheardinhighschool.blogspot.com
Categories: Advice | Lies | Overheard in High School | Students | Teachers | Posted 2008-01-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
All My Gentleman Callers Are Dead
Loud old lady on cell: Hello! Sorry about before. I was so shocked someone called me that I pressed the wrong button!
Belgrave Line train
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Kiri
Categories: Australia | Cell phones | Old folks | Posted 2008-01-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
No Headline Could Improve Upon This.
Conductor, as train comes in: Ahem: Quack-quack-quack, quack-quack, quack, quack, quack-quack... A-whoo-whoo!
Eltham
Australia
Categories: Australia | Conductors | Words | Posted 2008-01-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us |&nbs