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It Gets So Bitchy When It's Hungry
Girlfriend #1: It started to hurt after he used a condom.
Girlfriend #2: I don't like your vagina. It has too many issues.
Girlfriend #1: I don't like my vagina either.
Orlando, Florida
I Lost Three Boyfriends to Trek Addictions
Old man holding up movie to old woman: How about this one?
Old woman, exasperation: You know I don't like outer space!
Video store
Illinois
I'm Content to Be Her Booty-Call Beneficiary
Dude to friend: ... And then she asked me, 'Where do you think this relationship is going?' Fuck! She calls me when she's drunk, and I leave the door unlocked for her... This situation is working out well for me -- that's where this relationship is going.
Museum of Flight
Seattle, Washington
Categories: Guys | Relationships | Washington | Posted 2008-01-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
... Once I Learn to Read
Small boy: They used to shove a big bar of soap right down your throat! But that's illegal now.
Small girl: Like, if you say 'poop,' or if you say 'hell'?
Small boy, thinking deeply: I've got to research it.
Third grade classroom
Newton, Massachusetts
Categories: Gossip | Kids | Massachusetts | Posted 2008-01-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Let's Keep It That Way
Drunk guy to drunk girl: ... But I haven't even slept with you yet!
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: amused passerby
That Was Your First Mistake
Mother to misbehaving five-year-old: Knock it off! I just got you a pedicure!
Forever 21
Lynnwood, Washington
Categories: Gripes | Moms | Washington | Posted 2008-01-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Sidestep Your Clumsy Attack
Five-year-old boy: If Mommy has another baby, I'm not gonna be by it. It will just crawl around the house and suck milk from Mommy's nibbles. And she won't wear a bra!
Eight-year-old boy: If you like bras so much, maybe we should get you one.
Five-year-old boy: Yeah! I would use it for my butt cheeks, so when I sit down it would be nice and soft!
Shout-out: www.overheardinminneapolis.com
Overheard by: chaska
Categories: Gossip | Kids | Overheard in Minneapolis | Posted 2008-01-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
From Back When I Was Still Cool
Student: What does 'STP' stand for?
Teacher: 'Standard temperature and pressure.' Also, 'Stone Temple Pilots.'
Chemistry class
Provo, Utah
Just Some of the Questions You May See on the Revised SATs
Teacher: Well, what do you think it would be like if you had a penis on your forehead? What would you do if you saw a pretty girl?
Kodiak High School
Kodiak, Alaska
Marry Me.
Chick on cell: I love not wearing panties! It makes me almost as hot as that time the cable company gave us free porn for a week!
Memphis, Tennessee
Overheard by: Sportin' drawers
Some Marriage Proposals Go Down More Smoothly Than Others
Guy to girl: I want to be on your mind, but not to your detriment... Not so you turn into some enslaved man-flesh addict.
Bellevue, Washington
Categories: Guys | Relationships | Washington | Posted 2008-01-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
What Have We Told You about Speaking?
Little girl: Wouldn't it be great if, instead of stinging you, bees rescued you from quick sand?
Brookfield, Illinois
Overheard by: Joe V
She Didn't Try Very Hard
Eurotrash: Can we sit outside? We want to smoke.
Hostess: Sorry, the patio just closed.
Eurotrash: If I tell you you're pretty, would you let us sit outside?
Hostess: I can't let you do that, sir.
Eurotrash: You are very pretty.
Hostess: I'll see what I can do.
Restaurant
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: flossy.
Categories: Canadia | Compliments | Customers | Posted 2008-01-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
As Long As She Promises to Balance the Ball on Her Nose
Emo girl: Hey, when we get home we should totally creep up on my sister and scare her.
Emo guy: I'm not scaring your sister. I already made a bad first impression on her.
Emo girl: Don't worry, she won't care. Seriously.
Emo guy: Look, I'll throw a fish at her, but I'm not scaring her, okay?
Emo girl: Okay.
610 bus to Nambour
Australia
Overheard by: Aidan
Like Your Father Needs More Encouragement to Be Flatulent
Little boy: Mommy! I want to get my daddy this card!
Mother: But honey, you don't know what that means.
Little boy: Yes, I do! I do!
Mother: Okay, what does it mean?
Little boy: Pull my finger. It means... pull my finger! That's what you do, right? You pull the monkey's finger.
Mother: Um... Honey, you don't know what that means. Here, why don't you give Daddy this other card instead?
Little boy, crying: No! I do know what it means. I want to get my daddy this card! He would like it!
Mother, sighing: Okay, fine... But you don't know what it means.
Little boy, happily: My daddy is really going to like this card! I just know it!
Fred Meyer
Springfield, Oregon
... In Church
Guy to pal: Sometimes I wish it were socially acceptable to have another guy suck your dick.
Simpsonville, South Carolina
Categories: BJs | Guys | South Carolina | Posted 2008-01-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Um, That's You
Intercom: The moving walkway is ending.
Little boy: The moving walkway is pooping! Haha! Pooping!
Midway Airport
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: morgz
Sends Me Puppies, One Piece at a Time
Quartet member #1: ... And now for some delicious candy from my stalker!
Quartet member #2: I love her! She's so sweet!
Musicians' lounge, Kohl Mansion
California
Categories: California | Coworkers | Gifts | Posted 2008-01-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
... Completely Missing the Apple on His Son's Head
Man: ... And then he shot a hooker in the face with a crossbow!
Cloak and Dagger Pub
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
But We Are on a Budget, So You'll Have to Share Needles
Dad to table full of preteens: If everyone's good, they can get one tattoo and one piercing.
Pei Wei, 7th Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Ken
Hey, Baby, How about a Little Doing Unto Others?
Blonde to bartender, about explicit music video on TV: Will you turn that off?! It's offensive! [To friend] I am way too fucking Christian for that shit!
Scruffy Murphy's Pub
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: bystander that was enjoying the video
Turkeys: Damn Right!
Brunette: Hold up -- I just want to grab some turkey.
Redhead: Why?
Brunette: ... So I can make a turkey sandwich?
Redhead: Yeah, I know, but we have chicken back home.
Brunette: Uh-huhhh -- and I want a turkey sandwich.
Redhead: It's the same thing.
Brunette: No. No, it's not.
Redhead: Alright, then what's the difference?
Brunette: ... One's a fucking turkey.
Long Island Super Market
Long Island, New York
So It's No Problem If I Stub Them Out in Your Eyes?
Angry security guard lady: Hey! There's no smoking out here!
Smoker guy #1, wearing dark shades and not sorry: Sorry, we didn't know.
Angry security guard lady: Well, there's a sign right next to you.
Smoker guy #2, wearing dark shades: We're blind -- that's why we're at the Eye Center.
Security guard lady, laughing loudly: Hahaha! Well, okay!
Kellogg Eye Center
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Ewan Macpherson
The Auto-Abortion Function Would Be Optional
Loud black lady in long line: Girl, I know how you feel! Every time I try to buy a pregnancy test, there gotta be a big ordeal! The line too long, or there someone you know.
Girl with pregnancy test, embarrassed and chuckling: Yeah...
Loud black lady: I wish I could just go in my toilet, then push a button and have my toilet say, 'Uh-huh, you pregnant today!'
Van Wert, Ohio
Overheard by: Woah, that's not a bad idea...
Categories: Black people | Ohio | Pregnancy | Posted 2008-01-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why Are You Buying a Chocolate Jesus?
Cashier: Merry Christmas.
Customer: You, too.
Cashier: Wait! I gotta be politically correct -- Happy Holidays.
Customer: Yeah, I'm Jewish.
Cashier: Oh my god, me too!
Customer: Then why the fuck are we wishing each other a Merry Christmas?
Cashier: I have no fucking clue.
Wegmans
Manalapan, New Jersey
Overheard by: I celebrate christmas....
Categories: Customers | Holidays | New Jersey | Posted 2008-01-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
With As Few Lasting Emotional Scars As Possible
Three-year-old in stroller: I want to get out.
Mother: No. [Child starts crying.] You can't get out. Mickey Mouse will eat you.
Cashier: Um, have a magical day.
Disney World
Florida
Overheard by: Sarah
Don't Worry, Sweetie, You'll Love the Gym Membership
Wife eating cheeseburger: I know what my New Year's resolution is going to be...
Distracted husband: To lose weight?
Wife: What? No! Why would you say that?! Do you think I'm getting fat?
Husband: Oh! No, no, no -- you're not fat. You're perfect! I love you so much just the way you are.
Wife: Whatever. I better be getting a good fucking Christmas present, and you definitely won't be seeing me naked for a very long time.
Wendy's
New Hartford, New York
Categories: Couples | Diet & weight | Insults | New York | Posted 2008-01-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Once Again, Your Logic Is Unassailable
Guy #1: So, 'viticulture' -- that's Latin, right?
Guy #2: Well, Latin is a dead language, so it doesn't count.
Guy #3: You're a dead language.
Guy #4: Your mother's a whore.
Culinary Institute of America
Hyde Park, New York
Overheard by: just a student
Unless You're Willing to Back It Up with a Spanking
Professor on first day of class: Hi, my name is Jerry Anderson*. You can call me Jerry, you can call me Anderson... You might want to call me Bastard Ass-fucker, but I'd prefer if you kept that to yourself.
University of Alabama
Tuscaloosa, Alabama
When My God Fills Me Up, I Gain Five Pounds.
Lady #1: This cheese is sooo good.
Lady #2: Mmm, it is nice.
Lady #1: No, but it is really good. I mean, cheese is just amazing. I mean, it's not like you grow it or anything -- it's man-made, from just milk. And a bit of mold! It's incredible!
Lady #2: Wow, you really love it, don't you?
Lady #1: Cheese is my religion.
Palazzo Versace, Gold Coast
Queensland
Australia
Categories: Australia | Food | Ladies who lunch | Posted 2008-01-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Bet She's Barrels of Fun in Bed
Girl #1: Come on! Let's go!
Girl #2, drinking her milkshake: Could you just be quiet for a minute? I'm kinda in the middle of an orgasm!
Fast food joint
Fairfax, California
Overheard by: slovett
Categories: California | Chicks | Food | Orgasm | Posted 2008-01-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Pink Is Pretty Gay, Though -- Why Chance It?
Frat boy #1: What is pink eye, anyway?
Frat boy #2: I dunno.
Frat boy #1: Well, I don't see how it can be that contagious.
Palm Walk, Arizona State University
Arizona
Overheard by: oh, trust me...
Categories: Arizona | Frat boy types | Health & Hygiene | Posted 2008-01-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Each Is Unique, Like a Snowflake
Girl to another: We'll figure it out. I'll Facebook your ass or something.
Shout-out: community.livejournal.com
Overheard by:
Categories: Chicks | Internet | Overheard at York | Posted 2008-01-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If You Want Me to Listen to That Shit, You Gotta Buy Me Bacon
Redhead punk: Oh, God, the first guy I ever had sex with did that to me... Well, actually, that's not true. He took my technical virginity. I actually lost my anal virginity first to another guy.
Blonde hipster friend: [Silence.]
Redhead punk: Yeah. So anyway, what happened was--
Blonde hipster friend, suddenly eating vigorously: --Mmm, French toast!
Denny's
Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: lost my appetite
In Edmonton, That's Front-Page News
Little girl in bathroom: But Mommy, I'm working on a really big poop!
Embarrassed mother: Honey, everyone in the bathroom does not need to hear that!
Boston Pizza, 50th Street
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
The Only Law I Actually Know Is "Buckle Up"
Professor, after long explanation of transactions: ... But that is probably not the law.
Shout-out: overheardinlawschool.blogspot.com
Overheard by:
Categories: Overheard in Law School | Stupidity | Teachers | Posted 2008-01-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Let's Just Say I Felt the Earth Move
Queer #1: I bruised my pelvis once during sex. It was the last time I had sex with a woman. Remember?
Queer #2: Right.
Queer #3: I don't know this story.
Queer #1: Well, to be more exact, I woke up to having sex with a woman. Or, rather, I regained consciousness to discover a woman fucking me. That was the same day as the bulldozer.
Queer #2: You don't have to say anything else for this to be a perfect story.
Queer #3: Wait... A bulldozer?
Wine bar
Baltimore, Maryland
Or, Rather, Your Failure to Step There
Guy: She makes her own salsa, too! And God, it's good. Almost better than sex with a stranger, though I wouldn't know what that was like.
Girl: I'm also a salsa maker.
Guy, laughing: Well, hello random...
Girl: No, we were talking about your mom making salsa... Until your side-trip to stranger-sex-land.
Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: Jeff
Categories: California | Food | Friends | Gossip | Posted 2008-01-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Last Year, It Was Empire-Waist Shirts. This Year, Butt Shootings
Professor #1, during a mock voir dire: Where'd you get shot, sir?
Professor #2: In the butt! It's a recent thing! People shoot the victim in the butt!
Shout-out: overheardinlawschool.blogspot.com
Overheard by:
Categories: Ass | Overheard in Law School | Teachers | Posted 2008-01-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's the Universal Indiana Witticism
Guy #1, poked with pencil: Shit! That hurt!
Guy #2: That's what she said!
Guy #1: What?
Guy #2: That's what she said.
Guy #1: That doesn't even make any sense...
Guy #2: That's what she said!
Guy #1: Dude! You're not even using it right!
Guy #2: That's what she said!
Guy #1: Go fuck yourself! [Walks away.]
Guy #2, yelling back: That's what she said!
Carmel, Indiana
Overheard by: POS
For Our Safety, You'll Need to Stand by with Norton Antivirus
Student #1: Do you need this one?
Student #2: No, I have HIV -- I just need herpes. [Several people turn and stare.] Powerpoints! I need the herpes powerpoint!
Copy room, Library, KU-Med
Kansas
Overheard by: Laughed Assless
Categories: Health & Hygiene | Kansas | Students | Posted 2008-01-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Dude, It Was Nothing Like the Movies
Man: She was that lesbian -- the one who wanted to have a three-way and told me I could watch.
Three Allen Center
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: B_tay
Or Possibly Just Had Severe Intracranial Pressure
Five-year-old girl, singing nursery rhyme: ... Bumped his head, fell out of bed, couldn't get up in the morning... 'Cause he's dead.
Target
Shawnee, Kansas
Categories: Death & dying | Kansas | Kids | Posted 2008-01-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook