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That's What the Native Americans Said, and What Was Their Fate?
Italian exchange student: Why do you celebrate Thanksgiving in America?
Teacher: Because of the pilgrims! Anyone want to explain?
Student: The pilgrims can suck it!
Marcos de Niza High School
Tempe, Arizona
Overheard by: J.
Now Can We Teach Kids about STDs in High School?
Tall brunette: ... And so I said I didn't want herpes, but he was like, 'Oh, they're no big deal.'
Short blonde: Well, did you sleep with him?
Tall brunette: Of course I did. Like he said, herpes are no big deal. Just a little itching and stuff... Besides, it's not like I can ever get them again. It's like chicken pox -- once you get it, you don't get it again.
Math major nearby, yelling: Do you mind taking your dumb, STD-having ass somewhere I'm not trying to eat?! [Other students cheer.]
Bentley Dining Hall, Lock Haven University
Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Alexander Lepro
Categories: Bimbettes | Pennsylvania | STDs | Students | Stupidity | Posted 2007-12-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Oooh, Coal! What about Coal?
Girlfriend: I have a great idea for an alternative energy source!
Frustrated boyfriend: You'd better not say 'the sun'...
Girlfriend, after a pause: Oh...
UC Davis
California
Overheard by: student on the bus
Categories: California | Couples | Stupidity | Posted 2007-12-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
A Fat One
Young boy to mom: I can't run! I'm a virgin!
Irvine, California
Categories: California | Gripes | Kids | Posted 2007-12-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Devastating Effects of Calicocaine
Teen girl: I am so strung out on kittens right now, it's not even funny.
High school classroom
Aurora, Colorado
He Was Badly Burned in the Ensuing Explosion
Girl, about guy she had over the previous night: It freaked me out. I told him he had to do a double flush, a courtesy flush, and light a match, or he wasn't allowed back.
Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com
Overheard by:
Categories: Chicks | Eavesdrop DC | Etiquette | Gripes | Posted 2007-12-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or, As Much So As Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger
Guy: My sister and I are twins, but I was born first.
Woman #1: Do you mean you just came out first?
Guy: Well, see, what happened was I am two years older than my sister. [Everyone stares at each other.]
Woman #2: ... So you and your sister are twins, but she is two years younger?
Guy: Oh, wait, I'm getting confused with another family story. I am two years older than my sister, but I'm pretty sure we're not twins, either.
900 West Valley Road
Wayne, Pennsylvania
Categories: Family ties | Gossip | Idiots | Pennsylvania | Posted 2007-12-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Didn't You Notice Mummy's Ominous Switch to the Third Person?
Mother weighed down with shopping bags: Mummy needs a coffee now, honey.
Six-year-old daughter: But Mummy, I wanna look at--
Mother: --Mummy needs coffee or she will die.
Greensborough Plaza, Main Road
Greensborough
Australia
... Your Brother's One Lucky Guy
Female student #1: But, like, he's a really good guy, and he's going to make some girl very happy one day.
Female student #2: Right... But that girl's just not you.
Female student #1: Exactly! But we might hang out this weekend and, like, have sex or something.
Female student #2: Nothin' wrong with that.
Cornell University
Ithaca, New York
Categories: New York | Relationships | Sex | Students | Posted 2007-12-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
They Were Praying.
Bimbette #1: Why would anyone even be outside that late? What the hell were they doing?
Bimbette #2: Uh, Erica, we were outside, too.
Bimbette #1: Well, we had an excuse! We were streaking!
Park City, Utah
Daycare Saves Lives
Five-year-old girl running through aisles: Mommy?! Mommy?!
Mother: Mommy die. Mommy go bye-bye. Mommy drowned. Mommy go kill herself.
Payless Shoes
Huntington Beach, California
Categories: California | Kids | Moms | Violence | Posted 2007-12-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Yeah, Um, We Got the Roses and Chocolates
Teacher during earthquake drill: Guys, if we die right now, I love you!
Rock Bridge High School
Columbia, Maryland
Overheard by: Kelsey
You're Chronically Relaxed
Girl #1: It would just never occur to me to get a massage to relax or de-stress, you know?
Girl #2 absentmindedly: That's because you're an alcoholic.
Seven Grand Whiskey Bar
Los Angeles, California
Categories: California | Chicks | Drinking & drunks | Posted 2007-12-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
At the Algonquin Round Table
Chick #1: Are you drunk?
Chick #2: Just a little. I only had two drinks!
Chick #1: What about you?
Chick #3: No, I ate a pot brownie! I made them all by myself! I'm so proud!
O'Colly newsroom, Oklahoma State University
Oklahoma
Overheard by: The Designated Driver
Categories: Chicks | Drinking & drunks | Drugs | Oklahoma | Posted 2007-12-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Never Stops Anybody, Just Makes 'em Feel Bad
Mom to little girl touching display: Honey, don't do that! [Kid keeps doing it.] I said don't do that! Do you want to go to Hell?
Little girl, scared: No.
Mom: Then don't touch that.
Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: the girl behind the register
That's Why You Don't Teach a Three-Year-Old How to Use the Phone
Girl on cell in stall: She's crazy. She called me this weekend saying that she had been kidnapped. Isn't that weird? No, I didn't call her back.
Library restroom, Westchester Community College
Valhalla, New York
Overheard by: Catie
Categories: Gossip | New York | On the phone | Posted 2007-12-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Recommend Not Moving between Them
Conductor over PA after train starts and stops a few times: There are six different kinds of metro cars, all manufactured in different places and different times. This particular train is comprised of three of those kinds. The transit authority says they all work fine together. I'll let you decide that for yourselves...
Blue Line
Washington, DC
Categories: Conductors | Gossip | Washington, DC | Posted 2007-12-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Geez, You Better
Girl to friends: Did he use a condom? No, never mind, you don't use a condom when you're fucking grapefruit.
Montreal
Canadia
Yeah, but Just As a Prank
Fast-walking woman: You know him -- Scott...
Fast-walking man: Was that the guy who put your mother to sleep?
Glens Falls, New York
Overheard by: Kate E. Austin
Their Lullabies Are the Stuff of Nightmares
Professor, on possible Nazi allusions in animation: Well, it was a German film, and any time you hear German muttering, it's harsh words and armbands.
Rhode Island School of Design
Rhode Island
Overheard by: Sandro
Categories: Gossip | History | Rhode Island | Teachers | Posted 2007-12-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Corporate Has Tortured Cashiers for Less
Little girl: Do you have any cinnamon rolls?
Cashier: No.
Little girl: Are you serious?
Cashier: I am serious. I would never joke about something like this.
Starbucks
Denver, Colorado
When Youngsters Are Exposed to Flavor of Love
Four-year-old girl: Step off, Mommy!
Gainesville, Virginia
Overheard by: x-tina wif a k
Thanks to the Child Labor Laws
Little boy running from price scanner: Mom, my hand's not for sale!
Target, 2255 14th Avenue SE
Albany, Oregon
Overheard by: Miranda
New York Children Have Difficulty Fitting In Abroad
Teacher reading story to class: Little Bear hurt his head, and Big Bear kissed it better. Little Bear hurt his foot, and Big Bear kissed it better...
Six-year-old: Well, shit happens.
Sydney
Australia
Categories: Australia | Kids | Philosophy | Teachers | Posted 2007-12-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Harshin' My Buzz, Dude
Drunk freshman: I love it here! Look, even the street sparkles!
Passing upperclassman: That's broken glass.
Richmond, Virginia
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Students | Virginia | Posted 2007-12-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just because He Likes His Pork Pulled?
Hipster girl: He eats pork, but he won't eat pussy. He's a really bad Jew.
Ponce de Leon Avenue
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: I'm a vegetarian
Sean Looks for Any Excuse to Buy a Purse
Dude playing Wii: That's gonna be my one year anniversary with my Wii. I should take it out and buy it a purse...
Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York
Overheard by: Russ
Categories: Bonding | Dorks, Geeks & Nerds | New York | Technology | Posted 2007-12-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Leave Wet Spots Wherever They Go
Male professor: Yes, Miss...? Uh...
Hot chick, raising hand: Beaver.
Professor: Beaver? How come I don't remember that being your last name? You don't look like a 'Beaver.' Maybe if you were wet... [Entire class goes silent, then erupts with laughter.]
Professor, embarrassed: I meant because beavers live around the water!
History class, Northern Virginia Community College
Annandale, Virginia
Overheard by: Classmate
I Hope to Be the Best Piece of Ash She's Ever Had
Old hillbilly: I love my old lady so much, I told her that when I die, I want her to cremate me, put me in a douche bag and give me one more go 'round...
Athens, Georgia
Spring Break in South Beach, for Instance
Man #1: What's that bruise on your forehead from?
Man #2: Watch out for someone in diapers carrying a mallet.
Man #1: I've found that to be sage advice in multiple situations...
Wausau, Wisconsin
It's All in How You Color the States
Passenger #1 looking at map on screen: Oh, look -- we're over Montana right now.
Passenger #2: Montana's in Canada! Cool!
Over Montana, British Airways flight
Overheard by: Confused Flyer
Categories: Airports & flights | Idiots | Montana | Stupidity | Posted 2007-12-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You'll Love the Electric Highchair, Buddy
Happy dad to little kid: Capital punishment is fun!
Morgantown, West Virginia
Categories: Dads | Happiness | Lies | West Virginia | Posted 2007-12-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
My Manager Hardly Slaps My Ass Anymore
Hot girl with big boobs, to friend: Ugh... I shouldn't have worn this shirt. [Lowers voice] Everyone's looking...
Middle-aged cashier: You should appreciate them. I had a husband who would pop mine out at football games. It made me so angry, but now I'd love for someone to appreciate mine enough that he'd want to show the world my beauty.
Publix
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: guy behind them
It's Fun to Express Yourself without Risk of Being Understood
Black student #1, to teacher: Ayo, man! Naw, naw [babbles on, but no one can understand].
Teacher: ... What?
Black student #2: Man, I'm black and I didn't even understand that!
Manassas, Virginia
Categories: Black people | Language barrier | Students | Virginia | Posted 2007-12-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
In That I Like Football Players
Chick: So basically I slept with this really hot Australian rugby player that I knew for less than 24 hours, and my dead friend watched.
Dude: We are so different.
Derby, Connecticut
Categories: Connecticut | Friends | Gossip | Posted 2007-12-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Only Stayed Through the Bomb Scare and the Jell-O Wrestling
Undergrad girl in pajamas: ... So then the cops realized that they had the wrong guy on his knees.
Undergrad friend in pajamas: What? Why?
Undergrad girl in pajamas: 'Cause the guy who did it had a ponytail.
Undergrad friend in pajamas: Damn! The coolest stuff happens after I leave.
Tufts University dining hall
Medford, Massachusetts
Categories: Gossip | Massachusetts | Students | Posted 2007-12-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Is There a Polite Response That Doesn't Sound Gay?
Frat monkey: Here's a naked pic of my girl [shows photo on cell]...
Drunk frat friend: Nice. [Pulls out his own cell.] Here's a picture of my dick.
Caves Bar
Arlington, Texas
Overheard by: Not impressed
Categories: Bragging | Frat boy types | Texas | Posted 2007-12-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But You're Our Spanish Teacher
White teacher: Time to yell grades! These are the good ones: Smith, Jameson, De-Jesus...
Asian kid, whispering to friend: Isn't it supposed to be Degesis?
White kid, to teacher: Did you just say 'De-Jesus'?
White teacher: I'm white.
Columbia, New York
Overheard by: Father Seraph
Dunno, It Feels Like It's Helping
Old woman: Should you really be drinking with your condition?
Young guy: What condition?
Old woman: Y'know -- the crazy and all.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: fregout
I Think We'd Be Married Under Missouri Law
Guy #1: Hey, you know what? You know what? Suck my balls.
Guy #2: What if I just stuck a pot over them and banged it with a wooden spoon?
Canton, Missouri
Overheard by: Lynn
... With Grandma
Daughter: How's Bob doing?
Mother: He's alive.
Daughter: Well, that's good. We can't have a dead cat on our front porch.
Spokane, Washington
Categories: Animals | Chicks | Death & dying | Washington | Posted 2007-12-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And We'll Really Try Not to Roll Over and Squish You This Time
Father to baby: Mommy and I are gonna have lots of fun tonight. Yes we are! And we're gonna make sure we don't have another baby like we did last time. [Baby starts to laugh and coo.]
Wegmans
Manalapan, New Jersey
Overheard by: Why do I work here?
Categories: Dads | Gossip | New Jersey | Posted 2007-12-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
As We Shall Learn Through Bitter Experience
Professor: I just think of this class as 40 days in a row and then it's over. Like the Jews in Egypt.
Student: It was 40 years.
Professor: 40 years, 40 days. Same difference.
Northeastern University
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Massachusetts | Students | Stupidity | Teachers | Posted 2007-12-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Translation: I Hate Anybody Smarter Than Me
Dude: I have lots of friends in anarchist groups.
Chick: Doesn't an organized group of anarchists kind of defeat the purpose?
Dude: ... You're gay!
High school classroom
Englewood, Colorado
Categories: Colorado | Friends | Insults | Philosophy | Posted 2007-12-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook