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Bob Dole: "Not to Mention the Shame Of Textual Dysfunction."
Guy #1: Hey, brother, can I ask you something? What is text messaging?
Guy #2: You don't know what that is?
Guy #1: No... I was at this club the other night, and this fly young ho gave me digits and asked me to text her.
Guy #2: Damn, brother, you're gonna have to get your nephew to teach you texting. It's almost like e-mail, but on your cell phone. It has reply -- now or later, and forward, if you wanna send it on to a brother.
Guy #1: I guess. I never heard of it before.
Guy #2: Yeah, nigga, if you wanna kick it with these young bitches you gotta learn to text.
Guy #1: How times have changed.
Guy #2: I know it, brother... Next thing you know, they're gonna be textin' you in bed. Text you their moans and shit. It is going to be the downfall of making love.
Restaurant, Long Island Marriott
New York
Overheard by: Stephen
Dude, You're the Worst Beggar Ever
Student: So, basically I've come to beg for my life.
Professor: Go on.
Student: So, I need this class to graduate, right? But I know I'm failing. The problem is I'm taking too many credit hours and stopped coming to class, but this guy that I know who was taking notes for me and whatever -- he stopped coming to class because he says he can't stand to listen to you drone on and on. But don't worry, it's not like I don't like psychology or anything -- I love deviant psychology. So can I get extra credit or something?
Professor: Oh, Lord, no.
Ohio State University
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: JP
They All Belong to Fraternities
Frat boy to sky: Where is the pussy in this world?!
Athens, Ohio
Overheard by: Lisa
Categories: Frat boy types | Ohio | Questions | Posted 2007-11-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
What's the Scientific Name for That?
Girl #1: Oh my god, I just peed for, like, a hundred years.
Girl #2: Do you ever get scared that the toilet bowl will fill up and the water will touch your bum?
Girl #1: Yes.
Girl #2: Oh my god, me too.
Ladies' room, Fenway-area bar
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Chicks | Massachusetts | Pee | Posted 2007-11-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Where Were You at Ten O'Clock Last Night?
Philosophy professor: After all, is it okay to go pee out in the open in a public place like a park?
Girl: Wait, well... Like, when?
Boston College
Massachusetts
Categories: Bimbettes | Massachusetts | Pee | Teachers | Posted 2007-11-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Can't Bite My Lips Anymore
Girl on cell: How did the labia reduction go?
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Hello, you're in freakin' public!
Categories: Massachusetts | On the phone | Questions | Vagina | Posted 2007-11-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Special Radiation Makes the Homeless Invisible to the Rest of Us
Hobo to passerby wearing sunglasses: That's right, 'cause I'm radioactive!
Detroit, Michigan
Just Your Average Red Sox Fan
Queer: I just got into an argument with that guy because I'm wearing a Red Socks hat. Little does he know that I fuck men -- I don't give a shit about baseball. Ha.
Bar
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Then How Exactly Is This Threesome Going to Work?
Girl: I like you and all, but you're married.
Dude: My wife and I have an open marriage.
Girl: Is that would she say if I asked her if we could sleep together?
Dude: Probably not. That's why we're not gonna ask her.
Sun Prairie, Wisconsin
Categories: Idiots | Infidelity | Wisconsin | Posted 2007-11-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
She's the Worst Boss Ever
Hardhat telling story in falsetto voice: Leave me alone! I have a million things on my mind! [Switching to own voice] I'm like, 'We haven't had sex in weeks!'
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Construction workers | Gossip | Massachusetts | Posted 2007-11-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just When I Thought I Couldn't Get Any Cooler
Latina: I went to the beach and fell asleep and woke up black.
Lockport, Illinois
Two Utterly Incompatible Professions
Dude: Well, she's not really a stylist. She's actually a belly dancer.
Century City Mall
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: banging head against escalator
Categories: California | Guys | Jobs & Careers | Posted 2007-11-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Horses: Are You Putting on Weight?
Chick: ... And that's why I'm scared of horses! They're so mean!
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Taylor Boatright
Um, All I Asked Was, "Which Way Is Campus?"
Nerd: ... And those are just a few of the reasons I've been thinking about taking up the harmonica again.
University of Colorado-Boulder
Colorado
Overheard by: amused prof
Categories: Colorado | Dorks, Geeks & Nerds | Gossip | Posted 2007-11-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Beautiful Have a Wider Range of Things to Go Wrong, Though
Bimbette #1: You know what must suck?
Bimbette #2: What?
Bimbette #1: It must suck to be ugly. Because then, on top of everything else that's going wrong in your life, you're, like, ugly.
Bimbette #2: Yeah...
Buddhism class
Virginia
Overheard by: Mindygotback
Then I'd Have to Sit Down and Rest
Fat drunk guy: Dude, I would totally kick a couple of chicks in the cunt!
Barley's
Knoxville, Tennessee
Good Place to Get Skewered, I Guess
Young blonde on cell: Dad, there's no butchers on Oxford Street. It's all gay bars and kebab shops.
Sydney
Australia
Categories: Australia | Gossip | On the phone | Posted 2007-11-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Some People Take the Metric System Too Far
Guy on cell: So yeah, I broke it off with her... Well, she has a thing for feet, and I have a thing about feet, so it just wasn't going to work.
Shout-out: community.livejournal.com
Categories: Gossip | On the phone | Overheard in Melbourne's Journal | Posted 2007-11-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Unless You Happened to Buy Full House on DVD
Torts professor: S-and-M aside, you don't go out and purchase pain and suffering.
Shout-out: overheardinlawschool.blogspot.com
Overheard by: bh
Categories: Education | Overheard in Law School | Teachers | Posted 2007-11-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Not Anymore, You Don't
Angry mother: Don't do that! [Son screams.] I have friends, you know! You think I would rather be with you than with them?! I have a life!
Bethesda, Maryland
Overheard by: K-lee
So I'm Joining the Marines
Sighing emo kid to another: My soul is tired.
Shout-out: www.overheardinminneapolis.com
Overheard by: katra
Categories: Gripes | Overheard in Minneapolis | Teens | Posted 2007-11-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Mommy, Why Is the Plane Rearing Up Like That?
Pilot over loudspeaker, while landing plane: Whoa there, big fella!
Delta Airlines flight
Categories: Airports & flights | Pilots | Words | Posted 2007-11-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We Don't Overflow with Each Other Anymore
Old lady with husband talking to head usher: We are in Row C, Seats 22 and 23. Ummm... Do you think we could move our seats? It's just that the lady next to us is rather large, and she is overflowing onto my husband, who is overflowing on to me...
Thousand Islands Play House
Gananoque, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Shmemily
Categories: Canadia | Diet & weight | Old folks | Posted 2007-11-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Stupid Alphabet
Girl #1: That library isn't much help at all.
Girl #2: Yeah, I buy my own books. Libraries are only good for poor people that want to read.
Columbia, Maryland
Overheard by: Courtney
Or Just Go Ahead and Freak Ou t-- Might Be Fun
Girl #1: If I see one more blonde girl, I am going to freak out.
Girl #2: You know what you should do? Move to Africa.
Hartford, Connecticut
Categories: Advice | Chicks | Connecticut | Posted 2007-10-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Try Pissing Up a Rope, Then
Four-year-old boy: But Mommy, I don't need gravity! I just had to pee!
New Jersey
Categories: Kids | New Jersey | Pee | Posted 2007-10-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's My Upper Lip, Sweetie
Three-year-old boy: Mum, where is your vagina?
Mum: Tom, you know where it is...
Three-year-old boy: Ohhh, is that it, under all that hair?
Ladies' room
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Anna
Categories: Australia | Questions | Should have used a condom | Vagina | Posted 2007-10-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Gonna Cost Us to Get Out of It Alive
Angry kid: Mom! I don't want to go shopping!
Mom: We are not shopping -- we are on an adventure!
Oshkosh, Wisconsin
Overheard by: I love adventures
Stalking Tip: A Smart Pocket Dress Can Hide Your Huge Man Hands
Chick #1: So, I have to quit my job because a transvestite is stalking me.
Chick #2: Are they hitting on you?
Chick #1: Nope, just stalking.
Shout-out: www.overheardinminneapolis.com
Overheard by: a classmate
Categories: Chicks | Gripes | Overheard in Minneapolis | Posted 2007-10-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why Child Psychologists Exist
Mom singing to two small boys and a baby in stroller: One, two, three, four! We're going to the panty store! We're going to the panty store! We're going to the panty store!
Victoria's Secret
Winchester, Virginia
Overheard by: Joanna
You, Missy, Are No Alcoholic!
Friend #1: It just gets yummier as you go from one shot glass to the next.
Friend #2: Which side do you start from?
Friend #1: It doesn't matter.
Friend #2: ... That doesn't make sense.
Plano, Texas
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Friends | Texas | Posted 2007-10-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Didn't Do the Reading, Did You?
Religion professor: Why did Jesus die?
Student: Loss of blood?
College of Charleston
South Carolina
Categories: Jesus | South Carolina | Students | Teachers | Posted 2007-10-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I've Successfully Eliminated It
Son: I just don't understand it.
Father: That's because you have no imagination.
Foothills Mall
Fort Collins, Colorado
Overheard by: Tempus
Not Until We Get a Few Things Straight in the Will
Old lady hooked up to portable oxygen machine: I need a cigarette!
Grandkids: Grandma, nooo!
Restaurant
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: martha
So Blackmail Is Out
Nonchalant dude on cell: My parents are dead, okay? Everyone's dead, okay?
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Passing easily amused person
Categories: California | Death & dying | On the phone | Posted 2007-10-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Kinda Shake Myself Like a Wet Dog
Little girl: Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom!
Mom: Okay, well, I don't think there is any toilet paper. You'll have to drip-dry.
Little girl: Okay! I love drip-drying!
St. Louis, Missouri
I Was Almost Sorry When He Got Expelled and Hanged Himself
Girl #1: Stalkers are the best because they make you feel kind of loved.
Girl #2: I've never had a stalker!
Girl #1: Oh, God! You've never had a stalker?
Girl #2: Well, not really.
Girl #1: Stalkers are really the best. Like Kyle -- he was the really creepy kind, because he actually touched my butt in the dining hall, and it was gross.
Shout-out: overheardatcornell.blogspot.com
Overheard by: rvl
Categories: Bimbettes | Gossip | Overheard at Cornell | Posted 2007-10-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Baby: Are We Talking about Ass-Fucking Here?
Guy with baby: So, I found out that Ed tried something fairly kinky with Sarah when they got together at our wedding...
Girl: What? What did he try?
Guy with baby: It was fairly kinky...
Girl: Did he try to sodomize her?
Guy with baby: Alright, he did! But he was too drunk... She said it was like a marshmallow. [Turns to baby in baby talk] Wasn't my cousin a big silly to try to sodomize my roommate when he was in that state? Yes he was! Yes he was!
Dominick's Restaurant
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Jack
Who Looks a Little Like Danny DeVito
50-ish guy: ... And now I inherited his twin sister!
Woodstock, New York
Categories: Family ties | New York | Strangers | Posted 2007-10-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'll Just Clear the Table and Then You Can Start Flinging Your Poop
Waitress: You were a hungry bunch of monkeys, weren't you?
Fredericksburg, Virginia
Your Coquetry Piques My Curiosity
Dude: I want to fucking make out with you.
Chick: Yeah?
Dude: Yeah, maybe I will later.
Chick: Maybe.
Troy, New York
Overheard by: Andrew
Categories: K-I-S-S-I-N-G | New York | Strangers | Posted 2007-10-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If You'll Refer to the Third Bullet-Point on My Resume
Drunk queer: I can pick up a shot glass with my ass!
Outside Grand Central
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
And Have Liposuction on the Delivery Table
Bimbette on cell: Oh, okay, so she can't gain any more weight. That should be easy -- she's only at the beginning of the pregnancy. She just has to stop eating.
Princeton University
Princeton, New Jersey
Categories: Bimbettes | Diet & weight | New Jersey | Posted 2007-10-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When the Student Is Ready, the Master Will Insult Him
Hobo: Fuck you, ya dirty fuckhole!
Male passerby: Wait -- 'fuckhole'? Is that, like, a cooch or an ass?
Hobo: Depends on if you're gay or not. For you, it's an ass.
Denny Way
Seattle, Washington
Categories: Hobos | Insults | Washington | Posted 2007-10-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Getting Sober Has Been a Mixed Blessing
Girl on cell: I mean, if I was a freshman I would've been all over him, but I'm not anymore and it sucks. Now I'm all paranoid about diseases and stuff, and I can't just do whatever I want -- I actually have to think about things.
Shout-out: overheardatcornell.blogspot.com
Overheard by: gladimnotoneofthose
Categories: Gripes | On the phone | Overheard at Cornell | Posted 2007-10-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook