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One Step at a Time
30-year-old: I will be somebody's cum bucket, but I won't be anybody's cum dumpster!
Shout-out: overheardinlosangeles.blogspot.com
Categories: Hoochies | Jobs & Careers | Overheard in Los Angeles | Posted 2007-09-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Now Put Your Hand in My Pocket!
Eight-year-old: I got one!
Dad: Reel it in! Keep reeling!
Eight-year-old: Dad, take my hat off! [Dad takes hat off.] Dad, scratch my head!
Irvine Lake
Irvine, California
Overheard by: Sue
Categories: California | Dads | Jobs & Careers | Kids | Posted 2007-09-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
HIVasaurus
Student #1 seeing friend drinking Monster energy drink: Oh, I've never had a Monster. Can I have a taste?
Student #2: You don't want to taste his AIDS-infested Monster!
Student #1, after long pause: Never. Say that. Again. Ever.
Doughnut shop
Huntington Beach, California
Categories: California | Students | Words | Posted 2007-09-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And I'm Having Your Baby
Student: I've got some good news and some bad news.
Teacher: What's the bad news? That you didn't do your homework?
Student: No, that's the good news. The bad news is that I love you.
Arcadia, California
Categories: California | Relationships | Students | Teachers | Posted 2007-09-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You'll Pay, Like All the Others, When My Time Machine Is Complete
Five-year-old son: I am going to see the Reds yesterday with Mom.
Father: You mean tomorrow?
Five-year-old son: No, yesterday.
Father, puzzled: I think you mean tomorrow, buddy.
Five-year-old son, frustrated: Ugh! You're a pea-brain, Dad!
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: teachinghimthewrongthings
The Angel of Midterms Spares Jared
Professor: I've decided to move the midterm to next week, because apparently we are missing a substantial amount of Jews.
Student to friend: Holy crap! Passover just saved my ass!
University of Maryland
College Park, Maryland
Overheard by: BECKEKE
I Already Do
Girlfriend pointing at guy in kilt: Look, he's wearing a skirt! What a freak!
Boyfriend, releasing her hand: That's a kilt. I'm Scottish. Fuck you!
Tacoma, Washington
Categories: Couples | Stupidity | Washington | Posted 2007-09-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Because We've Dipped Their Stingers in Smallpox
Library staff: Ladies and gentlemen, Mugar Library is closing in five minutes. However, the first and second floor will be open for all-night studying purposes. If you are on the third, fourth, fifth or sixth floors you must relocate or leave immediately. We are releasing the killer bees. I hope you've been vaccinated.
Boston University Library
Massachusetts
Overheard by: Burkey
Categories: Employees | Massachusetts | Threats | Posted 2007-09-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Which Is to Say, Not at All
Dude: So, what's your major?
Chick: English.
Dude: Really? Wow, you're really fuckable for an English major.
Chick: Uh, thanks...
Shout-out: overheardatcornell.blogspot.com
Overheard by: lola
Categories: Compliments | Overheard at Cornell | Students | Posted 2007-09-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just Dip It in the Jar, Dude!
Queer: Wouldn't it be great if penises tasted like Nutella?
Fag hag: Unfortunately, oral sex doesn't give you an evolutionary advantage, so we'll probably never evolve that way.
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: premed
MyTwo Top Needs
Undergrad #1: A computer man! You gotta get your e-mail.
Undergrad #2: A computer?! If you're homeless, a computer is the least of your worries. There are more important things you would need, like food and crack.
Outside Enterprise Hall, George Mason University
Virginia
Overheard by: Grad Student
You Always Go There Clothed
Girl #1: My friend just got a new boyfriend. She met him in the library.
Girl #2: What? I'm always in the library! Why don't I have a boyfriend?
Shout-out: overheardatcornell.blogspot.com
Overheard by: yager
Categories: Chicks | Overheard at Cornell | Relationships | Posted 2007-09-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Not Even If One of Them Is on Your Head
Teen on cell: It doesn't matter! Two pairs of underwear does not equal one pair of pants!
Michigan State University
Lansing, Michigan
Categories: Michigan | On the phone | Philosophy | Undies | Posted 2007-09-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Mean a Trannyserver?
College girl: We should have asked for one of those male waitresses.
Katz's restaurant
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: queenofsarab
I'll Need a Female Volunteer from the Audience
Professor: Fondling is not automatically a battery. Fondling is a perfectly permissible activity. Have you considered that some people even like it?
Shout-out: overheardinlawschool.blogspot.com
Overheard by: db
Categories: Overheard in Law School | Questions | Teachers | Posted 2007-09-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Which One Would You Want to Be True?
Hobo: Look, the pope!
Man: Like I'm going to fall for that!
Hobo, minutes later: Look, Batman! [Man turns and looks.]
Week the pope is in town
São Paulo
Brazil
Categories: Brazil | Hobos | Lies | Pop culture | Posted 2007-09-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Dust on His Floors
Chick: He loves to vacuum. No, wait, not vacuum. What's that thing you do to your lawn? Mow! He likes to mow.
Shout-out: overheardlines.blogspot.com
Overheard by: mk
Categories: Chicks | Overheard Lines | Words | Posted 2007-09-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Had to Think about It, Though, Didn't You?
Bag lady: Change? Spare any change?
Guy walking towards a church: Sorry.
Bag lady: Wanna fuck?
Guy: Um, no, thanks.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: So who would be paying whom?
Categories: Bag ladies | Illinois | Panhandling | Posted 2007-09-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
She Can Enlighten Me Anytime!
Asian Visual Studies professor: Why is the lotus flower significant in Buddhist art? The lotus comes from this muddy, icky swamp water, and then it pops up and blooms really big and it's just beautiful, and you can't believe something so beautiful could have come from this ugly place -- it's sort of like Liv Tyler, actually.
UCSC
Santa Cruz, California
Categories: California | Philosophy | Teachers | Posted 2007-09-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
APB: Shoot on Sight
Freshman ho #1: But... Are you, like, good at drunk driving?
Freshman ho #2: Oh, yeah... I'm, like, sooo good! I've been drunk driving, like, since I got my license.
Shout-out: overheardatcornell.blogspot.com
Overheard by: newm
Categories: Bragging | Drinking & drunks | Idiots | Overheard at Cornell | Posted 2007-09-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Dude, Wash the Strawberries Out of Your Panties!
Teen girl #1: When you drink a lot of water your piss get really clear.
Teen girl #2: Nuh-uh! I drink water all the time and my piss is still pink.
Teaneck High School
Teaneck, New Jersey
Overheard by: southernbelle
Categories: New Jersey | Pee | Teens | Posted 2007-09-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
So Anyway, She's Talking to Crackhead John and Smelly Pete
Girl #1: So, I walk into my Econ class, and Katie's there.
Girl #2: Who?
Girl #1: Awkward Katie.
Girl #2: Crazy Katie?
Girl #1: Naked Katie.
Girl #2: Ohhh! There are way too many Katies. You could have just said 'Naked Katie' and I would have known what you were talking about.
Delaware, Ohio
Overheard by: None-of-the-above Katie
Oh, Hell, Let's Just Blow Each Other and Be Done with It
Man #1: She's lost a lot of weight recently.
Man #2: I guess. Didn't help, though.
Man #1: With what?
Man #2: The pure funk which likely seeps from her gaping maw of an over-used pussy. I wouldn't fuck that with your dick, dude.
Man #1: Thanks for having my back. Do me another favor -- fuck your wife with my dick, okay?
Man #2: Why not? Someone's dick should be allowed to.
9th and J Streets
Sacramento, California
Categories: California | Creepsters | Sex | Posted 2007-09-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How Do You Think Rudolph's Nose Got So Red?
Drunk blonde: Do you think deer get bored? I mean, all they do is go into the wilderness and play. It's not like they can go home and say, 'Hey, Mom deer. Hey, Dad deer! What's for dinner?' I would hate to be an animal.
Driver: We are animals! And humans get bored.
Drunk blonde: Yeah, but when we get bored, we can drink and play beer pong.
Driver: How do you know deers don't play beer pong?
Montclair State University
New Jersey
Overheard by: BTAN
Categories: Animals | Drunks | New Jersey | Posted 2007-09-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Real Jesus: Hey, I'm Cool
Teen girl #1: If he was Jewish, he'd be so less Christian, and then he'd be hot.
Teen girl #2: Exactly! I mean, I'd bang him if he just said 'damn' every now and then.
Teen girl #1: But nooo, he just has to channel Jesus for us every day.
High school party
Virginia
Categories: Christianity | Teens | Virginia | Posted 2007-09-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It Felt So Good I Pulled It a Few Thousand Times!
Guy #1: You don't play rep basketball!
Guy #2: Yes, I do!
Guy #1: Okay, then why didn't I see you play?
Guy #2: I can't -- I pulled my Achilles tentacle!
Phys Ed class, All Saints High School
Whitby, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: freshman whisperer
Categories: Body parts | Canadia | Guys | Posted 2007-09-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Same Thing
Preppy guy on cell: So, you're pissed. I guess 'cause I lied. Or, yeah, I understand -- 'cause I had sex with someone else last night. What was I supposed to do, wake up and say, 'Oh, hey, I have a girlfriend' to her? ... Look, babe, I love you, but I'm 19 and I'm human.
Drunk guy from dorm window: And an asshole!
Boston College
Newton, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Drew
Categories: Drunks | Infidelity | Massachusetts | Preppies | Posted 2007-09-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Moral: Spoon Bridges Break and Everyone Dies Painfully
Woman: Human nature is powerless to resist. It's a bridge. It's a spoon bridge with a bright red cherry on the other end. The subliminal message is, 'Climb over the bridge and touch the cherry. Everyone wants to.'
Shout-out: www.overheardinminneapolis.com
Overheard by:
Categories: Crazies | Gossip | Overheard in Minneapolis | Posted 2007-09-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Gautama: Naw, I Hate Those Hairy Bastards. I'd Pop a Cap in His Ass
DMT vet: When you see the Yeti in the forest, you have to take the Buddhist approach and ask him, 'Why are you here? And what do you have to teach me?'
Shout-out: overheardinlosangeles.blogspot.com
Overheard by:
Categories: Advice | Crazies | Overheard in Los Angeles | Posted 2007-09-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But the Make-Up Sex Is Phenomenal
Hobo to cardboard box that fell out of his cart: I hate you with a passion! A very strong passion! And a very strong hate...
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: Lindsay
Nothing Wrong with Looking, Is There?
Drunk golfer #1: Hey, he's the guy who said he checks out his cousin's ass!
Drunk golfer #2: I do not! ... She's totally hot! Seriously, she's a fitness model!
Shout-out: weirdosofwinnipeg.blogspot.com
Overheard by:
Categories: Drunks | Family ties | Weirdos of Winnipeg | Posted 2007-09-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Remember When Wellesley Was a Good School
Girl in lunch line: Why are there fucking bamboo shoots in this stir fry? What do they think I am, a koala?!
Wellesley College
Wellesley, Massachusetts
Categories: Bimbettes | Food | Gripes | Massachusetts | Posted 2007-09-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Don't Harsh My Mellow
Woman to herself: I love the smell of the subway!
Passerby: You know it's primarily piss, right?
Consolação subway
São Paulo
Brazil
Her Hopes Dashed, Cheryl Moved On
Girl #1: Oh my god, is that the Nazi symbol on your necklace?!
Girl #2: ... It's a Star of David!
Bus Shelter C
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: pedestrian
Or an Abortion
Pregnant black lady on cell buying 24-pack of beer at self-checkout: Girl, next time I have me a baby daddy I'ma get me a credit report!
Southfield, Michigan
This Bullet, for Instance
Dude: So, what is this? Like, an energy drink, too?
Barista: Nah, it's just a soda.
Dude: Hmmm, white grape juice, filtered carbonated water... It does have like 22 grams of sugar, but I guess it's like natural sugar, so it's not so bad, right?
Barista: I don't know, it might kill ya!
Dude: Yeah, but I think that things that kill you make you smarter.
Jersey City, New Jersey
Categories: Baristas | Idiots | New Jersey | Stupidity | Posted 2007-09-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
De Politics, De Religion, and De Money
Dude: My grandmother told me never to discuss the three D's in polite company.
Chick: Oh, yeah? What are they?
Dude: I don't remember...
Shout-out: overheardlines.blogspot.com
Overheard by: tim
Categories: Education | Idiots | Overheard Lines | Posted 2007-09-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'd Hoped You'd Be Unhappily Married by Now
Drunk mother to drunk daughter: Your sister is appearing on stage nude and you're living with a lesbian! I raised you girls too liberal!
Chez Charlie's Cocktails
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: MustangSally
Categories: Drunks | Family ties | Gripes | Missouri | Posted 2007-09-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
In Other Words, As Straight As Most Girls
Chick: I'm as straight as a girl who doesn't like boys!
Shout-out: overheardatcornell.blogspot.com
Overheard by: anonymous
Categories: Chicks | Overheard at Cornell | Sexuality | Posted 2007-09-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Are You Using a Stick?
Father, seeing red squirrel: Shhh...
Son: Aaarrrggghhh!
Father, to passersby: Sorry. We're beating him twice a day, but it doesn't seem to help.
Formby Woods
Liverpool
United Kingdom
With My Penis
Oxford boy #1: I'm going to stab you in the heart.
Oxford boy #2: Last night you stayed at my house and now you want to stab me in the heart?!
London-bound train
United Kingdom
Overheard by: snickering american sisters
With a Descriptive Epithet Like That, I'm Not Surprised
Ghetto hoochie stoner: I can't remember nothin' 'bout nothin'. My long-term memory is 'bout to get shot.
Outside of City Hall
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: lora
Categories: Gripes | Hoochies | Pennsylvania | Posted 2007-09-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Wait, No, a Dolphin
Guy to girlfriend: It sounds like we hit a whale.
AirTran plane from New Orleans to New York
Overheard by: Jofo
Categories: Airports & flights | Animals | Guys | Posted 2007-09-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Fuck You.
Hippie wannabe: Mmm, this tastes so much better than a non-solar-powered smoothie.
Dickinson College Earthfest
Carlisle, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Future Unemployed
Categories: Food | Hippies | Pennsylvania | Posted 2007-09-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
On an Unrelated Note, Never Put Together a Lecture During Happy Hour
Professor: The French lords were so disbelieving. It was like your favorite puppy going 'Rawr, rawr, rawr!' and taking a chunk out of your arm -- they were just like, 'Huh? What?'
Burdine Hall, University of Texas
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: she actually growled