Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | Topics

The Best Part Is, He's Recording His Voicemail Away Message.

20-something man on cell: I've got women. I started my own religion. I don't give a shit if hipsters don't think I'm cool. (pause) I know in my heart I'm a fucking genius. If I died tonight, there would be a massive white trash orgasm. (pause) If you're so bad, your soul goes into a wax museum. We should make our own rap music. We'll be so good they'll put us in a mausoleum, like Stalin.

Norman, Oklahoma

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Your Editors Could Also Use a Cup Of Java

Ditzy cute girl: Look at the clouds! They're blue!
Friend, deadpan: You mean the sky.
Ditzy cute girl: Yeah! Ohmigod, kittensssss!

Jakarta
Indonesia

Overheard by: I only want my coffee

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So I Just Drew a Bunch Of Unicorns on the Test Paper and Handed It In

Girl on cell: They had Greenland and Iceland on the test. (pause) Yeah, apparently they're two different things. (pause) I dunno, Greenland is the cold one, or something. (pause) Yeah, I think it was unfair, too.

Cambridge, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Ginger

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They Get All Our Leftover Weather, Anyway

Old lady: Are you able to check the weather in Toronto?
Young guy: No, the internet can't reach that far.
Old lady: Oh.

Windsor
Ontario
Canadia

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This Conversation's the Libretto for an Entire Italian Opera

Girl #1: It's too hot.
Girl #2: Did you say it's hot?
Girl #1: I said it's too hot.
Girl #2: For pizza?
Girl #1: For everything. For life.

Venice
Italy

Overheard by: Chris

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I Said You're Fine!

Woman to boy: Put a sweater on!
Boy's mother: No, he's fine.
Boy: I know I'm fat but I still get cold.

Sarajevo
Bosnia

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Perilously Close to Being a Lovely Haiku.

7-year old kid #1: It's raining.
7-year old kid #2: The hurricanes are upon us, bitch!
7-year old kid #1, after long pause: It's raining.

New Jersey

Overheard by: it was raining

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So Let a Toothless Smile Be Your Umbrella

20-something Puerto Rican female passenger: God, I hate this weather!
Young black passenger: Man, I love this weather! The rain is good.
20-something Puerto Rican female passenger: I want sunshine!
Young black passenger: No, man, the rain is great... It's perfect meth weather.

Bus
Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Mia Coleman

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...According to This Hallmark Card.

Woman #1: Look at that rainbow outside!! It's huge!
Woman #2: I know! It's like when you see a black dick for the first time.

Turlock, California

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And the Utter Decimation, but Whatever.

50-something suit at brunch: The South was a backwards place until air conditioning. That's what allowed them to advance as a people. Now, these hurricanes come and knock out their power. That's why they have so many problems during these storms.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: didn't know ac saved south

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I'm Pretty Sure Dead Cow Is My Spirit-Animal

Coworker #1: Our courageous leader tells me our people have fallen on hard times and though the metaphorical rain may fall, our perseverance will prevail, and triumph will soon be ours.
Coworker #2: Weird, dude. Hey, wanna order Jimmy John's with me?

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: coworker #3

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Depression's Always in Style in Virginia

Studious student: You know she would tell her students that she's far too sick to make it out to campus, and then curl up in a ball on her couch with a cup of tea so she can watch the rain fall and weep.

Virginia Commonwealth University

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That Was the Good News. The Bad News Was, I'd Swallowed It.

Girl to friend: And then, all of a sudden, everything became totally clear. It was like the clouds parted and I just knew. I knew where my purse was.

Columbia, Missouri

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...Next to Making Undergrads Uncomfortable.

Professor: I advise you all to make love, at least once, outside in the rain. It's the best feeling in the world.

Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York

Overheard by: Mackenzie

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You Expected More from Louisiana?

Coach to middle school swim team: I don't care if there's lightning! Get in the pool and put on your flippers! The rubber will absorb the shock!

Swimming Pool
Louisiana

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Whoo Hoo, I Just Used All My Words Of the Day!

Girl on cell: It's going to fucking rain in circa one hour.

University of Pennsylvania
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: grad student

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...And Did the Kangaroo See His Shadow or Not?

Teen boy: What month is it now? Like... spring or something, right?
Teen girl: Nah, I think it's still winter. Cause it's August.
Teen boy: Really? I swear winter ended, like, two weeks ago, ay.
Teen girl: Oh... maybe...
Teen boy: Yeah. So what is it now? Spring? Or autumn? Or winter?

Australia

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...Without Being Swarmed by Seminarians

Australian tourist: God, it's so hot in here. I can't wait to get out of here and take these pants off.
Church security guard, overhearing: Yes... that is very difficult to do in a church.

Vatican City

Overheard by: LeBron

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I'll Trade You for Two Gonorrheas and a Scabies.

Girl, walking barefoot under the rain: Oh, the joys of Richmond. We are so gonna get hepatitis.
Bag lady: No! Don't do that, but if you do... give me some!

Richmond, Virginia

Overheard by: singing in the rain

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I'm One Of Those People Who's Always Cold!

College girl #1: I can always tell it's really cold when my face starts tightening up. And I start talking with a lisp.
College girl #2: Girl, you always talk with a lisp!

Capitol Hill
Washington, DC

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Probably Pregnant With Rain

Husband, while driving: Wow, look at those cool clouds over there.
Wife: Where? Oh, those, the one that looks like it is going up?
Husband: Yeah.
Wife, after long pause: That one looks like a uterus.

Michigan

Overheard by: T

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I'm Cuckoo As a Table-Saw Today.

Director of the office of judicial affairs: It was a blizzard. It was snowing so much, it was snowing like a pig. (pause) I have no idea why I just said that.

Orientation
University, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Emurii

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Since the Rain Machine Is Broken

Host to dumb tourist: Would you like to sit inside or in the garden?
Dumb tourist: What's the weather like in the garden?
Host: I'm going to guess that it's the same as outside the front door you just walked through.

Restaurant
Charleston, South Carolina

Overheard by: Crash

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Guess Which One's the Good Cop?

Six-year-old girl: Dad, I want to see snow!
Six-year-old girl's twin: Me toooo!
Dad: But girls, it doesn't snow down here--you have to go up north for that.
Six-year-old girl: Then let's go up north!
Six-year-old girl's twin: To the North Pole!
Dad: Yeah! But you know what, mom won't let us.

Baton Rouge, Louisiana

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Have You Been Smoking Under the Fire Sprinklers Again?

Dude #1: Man, I hope it doesn't rain, I left my windows down.
Dude #2: It did rain just a little while ago.
Dude #1: Where? Outside?
Dude #2: What?

Lafayette, Louisiana

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Every Now and Then, My Inner Cracker Pops Up and Says Stupid Shit

Black girl in car: God, I wish I was black so I could say things like that.
White girl in car: But wait...you are black.
Black girl in car: I can't believe I just said that!

Detroit, Michigan

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Al Gore: "Some Day That'll Be True!"

Afternoon drunk: Nah, man, it's 32. That's freezing. It don't get lower than that.

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: colder that him, apparently

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You Realize That Means "Highly Pleasant to the Taste or Smell"?

Black girl #1: Girl, it is freezing outside.
Black girl #2: Girl, I know, right?
Black girl #1: Nigga, you know what? I don't have any blood, and since I don't have blood I turn blue all over. All the blood I do have is in my ass, because it is so luscious.
Black girl #2: Oh, nigga, I know that is right!

University of North Carolina at Greensboro

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It Makes Up for My Lack Of Boobs.

Short Asian chick to tall white guy: Oh my gawd, I've got it! So, heat rises, right? So it's probably all warm up there where you are, and down here with the normal people it's cold, and that's why you don't think it's cold, even though it's freaking freezing! Gawd, I love being an Asian! I come up with the most genius shit!

Muirlands Middle School
La Jolla, California

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Shouldn't There Be an IQ Prerequisite?

Woman: So when are you guys riding?
Man #1: Three weekends from now, or maybe a month...
Woman: Isn't it too cold outside to ride motorcycles?
Man #2: Not if you're drunk!

Downingtown, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Crys

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I Prefer to Think Of Them As My "Solar Panels"

(blind shuts in lounge area, blocking really bright sunshine, everybody quickly looks up)
Hot Chinese girl: Hey!
Friend: And finally they drop the blinds. My eyes were starting to hurt.
Hot Chinese girl: But I like the sunshine! It's so bright and warm and it emphasizes my boobs by casting shadows on my chest!

University of Toronto
Canadia

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...Have You Ever Considered an Exciting Career in the Hobo Arts?

Hobo: Spare some change?
Lady suit: No.
Hobo: Fine. Well, at least it's sunny out today.
Lady suit: Yeah, it's so nice. But I only get to stare at it from inside the office. (looks sad)
Hobo: I feel for ya.

Vancouver
Canadia

Overheard by: Caesara

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Some Meteorologists Get Too Into Their Work

Meathead professor: And they climaxed in August, in all their climactic glory!

Chicago, Illinois

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Gene Kelly and Debbie Reynolds Weren't Always the Lovebirds They Appeared

Girl: Dang, it's raining!
Boy: Do you have an umbrella?
Girl: Yeah. I hate umbrellas.
Boy, surprisingly vehemently: Suck it up!

Syracuse University
Syracuse, New York

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Only Lightly Misting on Shirtless, Muscley Ones

British lit professor, on gays: I have honestly never seen it rain on a gay person. Never. Not once in my life.

Georgia State Lit Class

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I Now Regret Having Deforested It

Girl to friend: My pussy's like a rain forest--dark, moist and full of mystery.

The Earl
Atlanta, Georgia

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Economics Really Is a Dismal Science

Professor just before class starts: There's no sporting events this weekend, right? We need something to bet on. (pause) I've got it! How about the hurricane?

CSU Classroom
Fort Collins, Colorado

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And Maybe Some Of Those Flying Pigs We've Been Hearing So Much About

American tourist to friends: I hope this park has shade and air conditioning.

Barcelona
Spain

Overheard by: Kate

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Might Have to Move to Seattle

Girl, shading eyes from sun: I did not consent to this brightness.

San Francisco, California

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Your Editors' Gumdrop Field Tests Have Been Inconclusive

Bus driver: Folks, this just in from the weather service, I just thought I'd pass it along to you all. Don't let all these clouds fool you, there's a high heat warning in effect for Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, gumdrops, and...snow cones, so if you have any of those items, you'd better keep them inside. That's all.

Bus #17
Portland, Oregon

Overheard by: The Redhead

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It's Total Crap, But the Wine Selection's Incredible

Woman #1: It's raining, didn't you pray for no rain this morning in church?
Woman #2: No, we just shook hands and congratulated ourselves on our own self-righteousness.

Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Amy

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We Should Put the Top Up in the Boxster, Though

(it is raining extremely hard outside)
Gay guy #1: So wet. Whatever, I guess we can make this look work.
Gay guy #2: We totally can.

Outside Macy's
Burlington, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Emma W.

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So Hopefully He's a Good Swimmer

Woman #1 (reading a newspaper): Ohmigod, half of Bangladesh is under water!
Woman #2: So what? It's happened before.
Woman #1: But I think someone lives there!

Umea
Sweden

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An Institution Worth Protecting

Obese middle-aged tourist to husband: I called him and told him we're at passenger pick-up 2. He called and asked where we'd be, and I said passenger pick-up 2, that's where he can find us. It's just easier to find us when he gets here. Passenger pick-up 2. And it's cold. That's why I brought this vest. I brought this vest in case it got cold, and it got cold. I'm going to button it up. Did you hear me? I'm going to button it up. There, it's buttoned. (husband ignores her)

Newark Airport, New Jersey

Overheard by: EthanK

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To the Fudgemobile, Robin!

Soccer mom: Oh great, it's raining. Now we can't eat fudgesicles outside.

Cincinnati, Ohio

Overheard by: Natalie

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Well You Do Have a Cozy-Looking Mustache...

Texan hottie: Holy hell, its freezing. My lips are numb.
Nerdy guy: Want me to warm them up with mine?
Texan hottie: Ha, you wish.
Nerdy guy: Well... yeah, kinda.
Texan hottie: Oh.

Washington, DC

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In the Meantime All of Our Popsicles Taste Like Mr. Waggles

Prof: So, how's everything at home?
Italian cafe worker: My dog died.
Prof: Oh my god, I'm so sorry. Was he old?
Italian cafe worker: Yes. But I can't bury him. The ground is frozen. There's snow.
Prof: You could have him cremated.
Italian cafe worker: I have him in my freezer. I had to clear it out, my freezer. All the food is out. I'm going to keep him there 'til mud season when I can bury him in the backyard.
Prof: Oh.

Landmark College
Putney, Vermont

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Londoners: "Talk to the Hand"

Guy #1: Man, it's all cloudy down there.
Guy #2: Yeah...
Guy #1: You know, that's the problem with America... we have a lot of clouds.

Newark Airport, New Jersey

Overheard by: Romulo Escamilla

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Without All Those People Cluttering Up the Landscape

Dude: Cool, you were in Asia... How was it?
Chick: The tsunami was the best thing for Thailand, everything was so clean and pretty afterwards.

Winnipeg
Manitoba
Canadia

Overheard by: Sean_G

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But If Enough Rain Builds Up, You Can Watch Me Walk on Water

Angry traveler: The flight's canceled because of weather?!? Can't you do something?
Airline counter man: Ma'am, despite my godlike appearance, I cannot control the weather.

O'Hare Airport
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: He's not so Godlike

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Smart Travelers Postpone That Recognition As Long As Possible

Pilot over loudspeaker: It's 40 degrees outside and sunny, and we will be landing shortly. Welcome to... Where are we? Oh. Philadelphia! Welcome to Philadelphia!

Flight over Pennsylvania

Overheard by: And he's flying this plane?

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But, More Importantly, Why Is Your Subway Outside?

Guy with luggage: What's the temperature tonight?
Guy without luggage: Two.
Guy with luggage: Two? Two! Why the fuck do people live here!?

Brown Line
Chicago, Illinois

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At Least You Have Your Priorities Straight

Ten-year-old boy: You know what I would have if I could have four wishes?
Big sister: I don't know. What?
Ten-year-old boy: One: no drought in Georgia; Two: no global warming; Three: world peace; Four: a Komodo dragon that is really nice and fun to play with, is a vegetarian, lives forever and can grant eternal life.

Druid Hills, Atlanta

Overheard by: Miranda

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Racist? You Decide!

Daughter: It's like... I didn't see any Mexicans around for months, and then today, I've seen so many!
Father: Well, it got warm.

Cool Springs Mall
Franklin, Tennessee

Overheard by: Haha, what?

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That's What Bothers You about Living in Texas?

Astronomy teacher, about weather inhibiting lunar eclipse viewing: Well, NASA's here, so Houston's still cool.
Student #1: Yeah, but not cool enough to have an H&M...
Student #2: Yeah, I know!
Student #1: This really bothers me...

High school
Houston, Texas

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If the Lifetime Channel Began Programming for Men

Guy #1: So, it's cold outside -- should we take the underground tunnel?
Guy #2: I dunno... It's kind of sketchy down there. Don't blame me if we get raped by a gang of chimpanzees.

Montreal
Canadia

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Has He Given You a Satisfactory Answer to That Question?

Thugette, into phone: How it gon' be warm one day, rain the next, and freezin' the next?
Asian guy: It's called a cold front. Take a science class.
Thugette: I don't need no science, nigga! I got God!

Millersville University
Millersville, Pennsylvania

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At Least, Last Time I Dug Up Her Grave and Checked...

Guy: Man, it's hotter than my mother-in-law back in '79. She's not hot no more.

Harvest Foods
Little Rock, Arkansas

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Speaking of My Relationship with the DEA...

Professor, as it snows out of season: If I wanted to see white powder this time of year, I'd buy some fucking cocaine! Not that I've ever bought drugs... But if I did, the statute of limitations has long passed... Okay, let's talk about bribery!

Shout-out: overheardinlawschool.blogspot.com

Overheard by: legal lush

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Everybody Knows God's White and Has No Rhythm

Girl #1: Is that hail?
Girl #2, looking out window: No, it's just some guys stepping.
Girl #1: Oh. I was wondering why the hail had a beat.

Mississippi University for Women
Columbus, Mississippi

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It's Like the Inside of a Man's Mind in There

Sexy girl: My roommate keeps the room temp at, like, tropical. It gets so hot in there it gets hazy! It's a good thing she doesn't care about nudity, because the only way I survive in that room is to walk around naked.

High Point, North Carolina

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Apparently I've Never Experienced 115 Degree Heat

Freshman girl: It's so much better when it's cold than it is when it's warm -- all you can do when it's 115 degrees out is sit around and air out your vagina flaps!

Shout-out: overheardatcornell.blogspot.com

Overheard by: broyhaha

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