Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
Violence All Categories > Topics > Violence
Recent | Best Of
Subcategories: Murder | Threats |
You Have to Put Balls in a Lot Of Faces Before Your Find Someone Who Likes It
13-year-old boy in pool: Guys, let's play water Pokemon!
Friends: Okay!
13-year-old boy: I'll be Scuba Scott. Scuba Scott uses ball-to-face! (hits friend in face with ball)
Friend: Owwww! Scott, why'd you do that?!
13-year-old boy: It's super-effective!
Recreation Center Pool
Colorado
Categories: Colorado | Friends | Pop culture | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2011-08-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Duck and I Were Reenacting the Dunkirk Evacuation!
Chav, showing off in front of group of underage girls: Yes bruv, you don't even know, there was this duck, yeah, and I snapped its neck, innit! It was swimmin' around with its head loose making stupid noises!
Slightly older chav friend: Breds, you're talking shit, man. Number one, if you snapped a duck's neck it wouldn't still be swimming. B, I was there, remember, that fucking duck bit you on the hand, bruv and you screamed like a woman and ran away.
Cambridgeshire
England
Overheard by: Tim C
Paul McCartney and Heather Mills Hammer Out a Payment Plan
Girl: So if you won £100,000,000 on the lottery what would you do?
Guy: Settle some scores. There'd be a few guys from school who'd be going to work one day and suddenly find themselves being bundled into the back of a van with a black bag over their head.
Girl: Then flown out over the north Atlantic, tied up, thrown out of the plane?
Guy: I like the way you think. We should have kids.
Girl: Nah, to get into my pants you'll need to do better than that. £2,000 of jewelery would do it. (cackles hysterically)
London
England
Overheard by: Bleep
The Make-a-Wish Foundation Refused to Honor Robert's Request
Guy: I wish I had some big ol' titties so I could whack you in the face with 'em.
Shout-out: overheardlines.blogspot.com
Overheard by: ladyoftheice
Categories: Guys | Overheard Lines | Rack | Violence | Posted 2011-06-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Guess That Has Its Positives and Negatives.
Blonde 8th grade girl, reading poster about sex offenders: He assaulted her with a battery?
Amherst, Massachusetts
Overheard by: shay loves julia
College Guys Have to Be Taught Everything About Pussy
Girl walking through campus: And that's why you can't put a cat in the microwave.
Saint Joseph's University
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Animals | Girls | Pennsylvania | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2011-06-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Old Testament God Rides the MTA With His Mom
Eight-year-old boy: Mommy... I can't wait for my day of vengeance to be at hand.
Mother: I know he's unlikable, but there are quieter ways.
Eight-year-old boy, wielding stick in hand: I wanna use this.
Mother: He'll shush up if you put a bow and arrow through his eye.
MTA
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: PatriotAhckt
If Lifetime Were a Channel for Men
Girl: Oh my gosh, Brian* went off with the sexual predator dude!
Couple, in unison: Bro rape!
Syracuse University
Syracuse, New York
Also Why Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton Dueled
Bro #1: So, how did the fight start?
Bro #2: Who knows, something about some guy's girlfriend getting pissed on.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: looks like R. Kelly is making his rounds.
Categories: Frat boy types | Overheard in Minneapolis | Pee | Questions | Violence | Posted 2011-06-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
So Many Questions, So Little Time.
Boy #1: I shot my friend in the foot once.
Boy #2: What! How?
Boy #1: Well, we were really high in the woods, and my friend was wearing bunny slippers. He stuck his foot out of a bush and I thought it was a real rabbit... so I shot it!
Boy #2: What the fuck?!
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: McKenzie
Categories: Guys | Memory lane | San Francisco | Stupidity | Violence | Posted 2011-06-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...As Seen in Elmo' Money, Elmo' Problems.
Streetcar announcement: Next stop, Alton Avenue!
Crazy guy on streetcar: Next stop, house of contaminated puppies!
Streetcar announcement: Next stop, Greenwood Avenue!
Crazy guy on streetcar: Next stop, have you ever tried to kill a Muppet in an alley?
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Felicity Thistle
It's So Hard to Find Cheap Storage in the City
Guy reading iPhone: IT sez here some gal in Fort Meyers was arrested and later found to have a knife hidden in her vagina.
Friend: I could go with that...
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Café con leche
Which Is Why I'm Carrying This Dagger
Adorable eight-year-old girl: I would do anything for a bagel... except shoot someone.
Ardmore, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: was a hungry 8 yr old once too
Categories: Food | Kids | Pennsylvania | Philosophy | Violence | Posted 2011-05-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
A Gentleman Doesn't Make You Bleed 'til the Third Date
Stoned girl at party: I don't think I'm gonna call him back, he was fingering me in pretty rapey way.
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Categories: Druggies | England | Girls | Masturbation | Sensory experiences | Violence | Posted 2011-05-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Ever See Crouching Vibrator, Hidden Weapon?
Teenage girl, on self defense: I think that 'bob' really works. People know I'm not messing around when they get my dildo thrown at them.
Hillsboro, Oregon
Overheard by: Hannah
Finishing a Woman's Sentences Is Risky Business, Gentlemen
Woman wearing puffy coat: Wearing a puffy coat makes me feel like ...
Man also wearing a puffy coat: It makes me feel like dancing.
Woman: ...punching people.
Quebec City
Canadia
Crime Really Doesn't Pay
Black guy on side of street to car passing slowly in traffic: Yo, I see you, don' need to roll ya window up, it's just a Honda, only get three stacks for it at the chop shop. (to friends) Shit, I get in the car and have you drive to the ATM machine, pop ya in the face, get ya pin number, withdraw $500. Receipt comes out 'insufficient funds'. Now I got to kill you.
Miami, Florida
Pop Quiz: Which Of These Things Are True About Sarah Palin?
Hobo: You ever wanted to punch an asshole in the face? Now's your chance, one dollar! I deserve it! I club baby seals, I vote Republican, I masturbate way too much! Quit laughin' and start punchin!
Church & Duboce
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: C
Categories: Assholes | California | Hobos | Masturbation | Offers and requests | Politics | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2011-01-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
According to WikiLeaks
Professor: And, as you know, Sweden has the strictest rape laws in America.
UCLA, California
Worst. Telemarketer. Ever.
Asian guy: I mean, I'm a nice guy, but I'ma fucking kill you.
Syracuse, New York
Overheard by: Tucker
Now I Know How the Earth Feels
Girl: It seems like every time I see you these days, you're being raped.
Guy: I know... And now I'm not even getting paid for it.
University of Northern Colorado
What Else Should I Put on My Resume?
Very loud drunk woman: No, I don't shoot darts, but I'm good at stabbin' people!
Fairborn, Ohio
Overheard by: Monika
Well It Is Exactly Nine Months Before Labor Day.
Tall girl: What is this? Let's-all-jump-Jennifer-and-get-her-pregnant Day?
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Julianna
Categories: Girls | Pregnancy | Questions | Violence | Washington | Posted 2010-12-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Which I'm Totally Doing in My Heart.
Tube train announcer: We're just waiting for a platform to come free at the next station. Thank you for your patience.
Small boy, thoughtfully: They don't *know* that we're being patient. We could all be banging on the windows and screaming.
Tube
London
England
Overheard by: Matt W
Categories: Glad the condom broke | Kids | Time Management | Train | Violence | Posted 2010-10-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
9 Out Of 10 Dentists Disapprove Of Their Relationship
Guy: I was really pissed off. Then you bit me on the shoulder. Three times.
Girl: (laughs hysterically)
DePaul University
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: University Peon
Categories: Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Girls | Guys | Illinois | Violence | Posted 2010-10-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Kim Jong-il: "Wait, What?"
16-year-old male in office waiting room, to friend: You can't just solve all your problems by causing a nuclear holocaust, man!
Whatcom Community College
Bellingham, Washington
Overheard by: littlegirlmonkey
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Friends | Teens | Violence | Washington | Posted 2010-09-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
To Be Fair, at Least She Won't Be a Cop.
Fat female student: I'm thirty-eight years old with a criminal justice degree, and I still can't find nothin' to do in this valley. Nobody's hirin', nothin'.
Skinny female student: Couldn't you just be a cop?
Fat female student: I can't be a cop. They give me a badge an' a gun, I'd be shootin' at fags and wetbacks. I mean, in this day in age... Not to be rude or anything...
Bookstore
West Virginia University
Categories: Age and ageing | Colleges & Universities | Education | Fat people | Jobs & Careers | Skinny people | Students | Violence | West Virginia | Posted 2010-09-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Georgia Lesbians Do Not Play
Teen girl in dept. store: I need to buy her a present, but it can't be jewelry. She doesn't like jewelry. She likes weapons.
Gainesville, Georgia
And We All Vomited Discreetly Into the Shrubbery
Guy #1: Isn't there something wrong with getting smashed at a baby shower?
Guy #2: Well, it wasn't exactly a kosher baby shower...
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: intheback
They Both Swear They're Straight
Middle aged man: Hey, Jesse! Wanna wrestle?
Shirtless young man: I'll wrestle you if you give me a Jägerbomb!
Middle aged man: You better hurry, we're running out!
Traverse City, Michigan
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Guys | Michigan | Offers and requests | Violence | Posted 2010-08-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
As the Palestinians Keep Telling the Israelis
Dad to eight-year-old son: Well, stop giving people wedgies and they'll stop throwing rocks at you.
Edmonton
Canadia
Overheard by: Christina M.
Isn't That an R. Kelly Song?
Girl #1: Oh, I love Law & Order: SVU!
Girl #2: I know! Rape just brings out the best in people!
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: 804laura
And My Analyst Will Hold You While I Do So
Man on cell: I've never shown hostility towards women, but if you ever call that transvestite my mother, I will beat you senseless.
Savannah, Georgia
Categories: Family ties | Gender issues | Georgia | Guys | On the phone | Parenting | Threats | Violence | Posted 2010-08-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...On the Internet, I Met Someone Who Was All Three!
Girl #1: You should stop meeting guys off the internet so much. They're creepy.
Girl #2: The internet is the best place to meet people. I met a rapist at a job interview, a pimp at the airport, and a pedophile at church.
Norman, Oklahoma
Categories: Bonding | Compare and contrast | Girls | Internet | Jobs & Careers | Oklahoma | Religion | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2010-08-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Wait, Did You Just Say "Cock Clock"?
Guy #1: I hate Dylan*, he's such a cock clock, you should hear what he did.
Guy #2, first loudly then quietly: No, I've got a story for you! (mumbles story really quietly then gets loud again) So, I mean, it wasn't rape, she totally wanted it, she just happened to fall asleep in the middle.
Guy #1: I don't think this conversation is really appropriate at Burger King, there's kids around.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Brit-ta-nee
When Disney Movies Go Too Far
Tall girl: I find fault with your explanation of how penguins get the machete upgrade.
Hamden, Connecticut
Overheard by: Soy Bomb
Categories: Birds | Connecticut | Girls | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2010-07-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's What Everyone Says. And Everyone Lies.
Woman: I'd rather do the kidnapping than be kidnapped.
Man, snorting in disbelief: Oh, puh-lease!
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: MarthaQ
Categories: Compare and contrast | Guys | Massachusetts | Violence | Women | Posted 2010-07-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm the NRA and I Vote
Midwestern guy to friend: So, I'm out shootin' in my yard and I saw this pipe stickin' out the ground! So I shoot it. Now, the minute I shoot I know I shouldn't have done that. So the damn pipe explodes!
Flight over Utah
...With a Three-Valium Chaser?
Posh-sounding, punk-looking 20-year-old girl on cell: You want to kill yourself? Oh. Have you tried having a having cup of tea?
London
England
Overheard by: Richard
Have You Even Read "Romeo and Juliet", Sir?
Priest: Their first love has brought them so many tears and grief... and black eyes. But they will love again!
Saint Peter's College
New Jersey
Categories: Christianity | Feelings | New Jersey | Religious fanatics | Violence | Posted 2010-07-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...You're in for One Miserable Ride.
Angry girl to group of male friends: You can sleep with my mother, you can kill my father, you can burn down my house, but if you fuck with my bike...
Harvard University
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Veli Velo
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Family ties | Friends | Girls | Massachusetts | Murder | Sex | Violence | Posted 2010-06-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Nobody Expects a Gay Guy to Carry a Speculum
Gay guy: Give me a sip of your drink!
Girl: No!
Gay guy: Give me a sip or I'll bite your cervix!
Military College
Georgia
Overheard by: Amanda
Categories: Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Drinking & drunks | Georgia | Girls | Offers and requests | Queers | Threats | Violence | Posted 2010-06-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Can't Believe the Army Rejected Me
Guy #1: Hey, did you ever watch Paris Hilton's sex tape?
Guy #2: Yeah, it wasn't a turn-on though, she's in pain. Man, I couldn't wank to that.
Guy #1: Yeah, it'd be like wanking to a rape video.
Guy #3: I'd wank to that.
Glasgow
Scotland
Categories: About celebrities | Guys | Masturbation | Movies | Sex | UK | Violence | Posted 2010-06-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Kind Of Guy Who Takes Women's Studies Classes to Meet Chicks
Women speaking to crowd at rally: We're here to take a stand against violence towards girls and women!
Solo guy in middle of the crowd: Woo! Yeah!
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Can you yell innapropriate?
Where Kids from Band Camp End Up: Explained.
Female violinist, after conductor walks past: Do you ever want to slap Dr. Muller*'s ass? Cause I almost just did.
Female cellist: He has a doctorate in orchestral conducting.
Female violinist: And an ass I want to tap right now.
College Orchestra Tour Bus
Clive, Iowa
We're Going to Congress!
Student to friend: Just put the rape stick in the alcohol bag.
American University
Washington, DC
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Drinking & drunks | Friends | Students | Violence | Washington, DC | Weirdness | Posted 2010-05-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Steak Knives Are Much More Effective.
Mommy: Let's not attack mommy with a fork.
Salem, Oregon
Overheard by: lauraf
That Hoe!
Weird emo girl: I've still got bruises from the first time she hit me with a wheelbarrow!
Bridgwater College
Somerset
England
Categories: Colleges & Universities | England | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Violence | Posted 2010-05-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Being Catholic, We Already Hate Ourselves
Boyfriend to girlfriend: If anyone ever walked in on us having sex, they'd swear we hate each other.
Saint Peter's College
New Jersey
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Hubbies | New Jersey | Sex | Violence | Posted 2010-05-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Tonight's Movie: The Long Goodbye
Nurse to elderly woman trying to escape from old folks' home: Come on, ma'am, we need to get you back inside.
Elderly woman: I don't need to get back inside, I need to get home! Rape! Rape!
Christchurch
New Zealand
How Many Tons Of Vomit Does Disney World Produce a Year? Show Your Work.
20-something guy in the middle of a group: Guys, guys. I've got big news.
(group quiets down)
20-something guy: I just got a text from Ross. It says "Let's put it this way: they've stopped the ride, are cleaning up my vomit, and I'm leaving in a wheelchair. Spaceship Earth."
(group cheers)
Disney World
Orlando, Florida
Categories: Florida | Games | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Stupidity | Tourist attractions | Violence | Posted 2010-04-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why the Taliban Exists
Teacher: From an evolutionary perspective, what do you have more time to do if you don't need to find a mate?
Female student: Build an army!
South Eugene High School
Eugene, Oregon
College: In a Nutshell.
Freshman girl to friends: Guys, I really need to ask you a huge favor. I think I might be pregnant and you guys might have to punch me in the stomach to get rid of it.
North Bay
Ontario
Canadia
Until Its Sour Cream Came Out
Girl to girlfriend: If our burritos were in jail, my burrito would rape your burrito.
Chipotle
Northridge, California
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Food | Girls | Restaurants | Sex | Violence | Posted 2010-04-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When Camel Toe Becomes Hammer Toe
Teacher: Pants so tight it could snap your vagina off!
Sex-Ed Class
Tampa, Florida
But the Fox Would Never Forgive Me
Man with strange beard to friend: My girlfriend would love me forever if I got her a fox's skull.
London
England
Suppose He'll Object to Playing with a White Ball?
Skinny Asian kid buying 24-pack of Keystone Light, to friend: I dunno man. I've never played beer pong against a black dude before.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: Ian
Categories: Asians | Drinking & drunks | Games | Overheard in Minneapolis | Race | Violence | Posted 2010-04-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Who Needs LSD When You've Got This Quote?
YMCA guy #1: People seem generally smaller to me.
YMCA guy #2: Hmmm.
YMCA guy #1: I dunno, people just seem smaller. I feel like I could walk up to anyone and smash them in the face. But I am really predatory. I wish it was the middle ages, I would be all, "I?m the Goverrnator!"
Elvis impersonator, swinging his hips: John Edwards got nothing on me!
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
...Oh Shoot, I Ruined the Surprise.
Young lady with English accent, on cell: I told you I was going to be home in 15 minutes. (pause) I'm going to kill you. I'm going to stab you in the eye with a fork.
Chico, California
Overheard by: xfleshxwoundx
Categories: California | Foreigners | On the phone | Threats | Time Management | Violence | Posted 2010-04-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Frankly, You Should Be More Worried About That Burrito
Five-year-old girl to ten-year-old sister: I don't know what you're so worried about. As long as it's not you who throws the first punch, the principal won't yell at you. That's always what happens with me.
Taco Bell
Plainview, New York
Overheard by: Tina
Categories: Education | Kids | New York | Restaurants | Violence | Posted 2010-03-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's the High Notes That Hurt Your Ears
Overweight middle-aged woman, about infant crying non-stop: Oh my god, seriously, somebody just kill it.
Target
Norman, Oklahoma
Or All the Dogs You've Ever Owned
Girl #1: So my two-year-old cousin... You know, the one who laughs at me, and threw his bottle and his book at me?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: Well, this one time he like pushed me down on the floor, and like... licked my face.
Girl #2: Wow! Your two-year-old cousin is like a combination of all the boys you've met here.
London
Ontario
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Compare and contrast | Family ties | Girls | Kids | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2010-03-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Almost Finished Whittling My Wooden Shoes!
Guy to friend: So, this weekend I was going to go down to Chicago to riot, beat people up, and break shit, but I realized I would have missed my dutch class on Monday, so I thought it would be a bad idea.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: shiggity shaft
Categories: Guys | Overheard in Minneapolis | Time Management | Violence | Posted 2010-03-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When Black Widow Spiders Chat
College dude: I'd totally fuck her bottom half... and I'd just chomp off her top half.
San Jose, California
Overheard by: Skye
Categories: Body parts | California | Guys | Sex | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2010-03-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Wouldn't That Make Her Into a Lesbian?
Teenage girl to friend: I want a boy. If I get a girl I'm going to shove her back in.
New Jersey
Categories: Birthing | Gender issues | New Jersey | Teens | Violence | Posted 2010-02-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Not Exactly...
BU student #1, looking at his CharlieCard: Dude, I have never seen this guy anywhere in Boston. Where do you think he is?
BU student #2, also looking at his CharlieCard: Dude, I don't know.
BU student #1: Maybe he died.
BU student #3: Yeah, because he was sticking his fucking head out of the fucking train window while the train was in motion.
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Death & dying | Guys | Massachusetts | Public Transportation | Violence | Posted 2010-02-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Hard to Argue
Four-year-old girl, playing with dinosaurs: Today is the best day ever to eat people!
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Miss Ann
Right in the Seabiscuit
15-year-old girl to friend: And then she tells me, like three weeks later: "You know how I was angry at you? Well, I punched your horse."
School Cafeteria
New Zealand
Categories: Animals | Feelings | New Zealand | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Teens | Violence | Posted 2010-02-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Tonight on Ask Nurse Ninja
Woman on cell: You know what you should do? You should punch her in the temple. (pause) Well, you need to punch her in the temple so you can resolve this in a professional manner.
MARTA Train
Atlanta, Georgia
Categories: Advice | Body parts | Georgia | On the phone | Train | Violence | Women | Posted 2010-02-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Advent Of a New Sport
Sports fan to another: I'm telling you: you swing a wheel of cheese and hit a bird, that bird's going down.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Laure
Let's Just Hope the Casting Agents at Lifetime Agree!
Guy wearing shirt reading "Dude. Seriously. Fuck you": Some say I have a face for date rape.
State Fair
California
Overheard by: Sonni
Yay! Let's All Join the Army!
Girl #1, loudly in quiet library: And we thought we were going to the lecture on reasons to join the army, but we accidentally went to the wrong lecture theater, and it was a medical lecture on burns patients!
Studying girl: Shhhhh!
Girl #1, loudly: And this med guy who knew we weren't med students goes "This is a good lecture to come to! Lots of gory pictures!" and we were both thinking "Shit! Are these army people going to show us photos of people who have been blown up or something!?"
Studying boy and girl: Shhhhhhhh!
Girl #2: Can't be as bad as that lecture from first year. Remember the photo of the person's head who'd been run over by a train?
Girl #1, even more loudly: Yeah! And they showed us photos of a penis which had been bitten off!
(everyone in library, including studying boy and girl, burst out laughing)
Griffith University Library
Australia
Categories: Australia | Colleges & Universities | Death & dying | Education | Penis | Science | Students | Violence | Posted 2010-01-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
A Man Needs a Cool Head to Eat at Denny's
Cowboy #1, in cowboy dialect: One thing I can tell you, if one of them bites you on the lip, don't panic. Just wait till it starts to let go and then push it off of you.
Cowboy #2: You know, that's right.
Denny's
Willcox, Arizona
Overheard by: Alan B. Barley
Categories: Advice | Arizona | Body parts | Fears | Rednecks | Restaurants | Violence | Posted 2010-01-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
A Few Black Eyes, and They're All, "Wah Wah Wah!"
Female customs and border patrol officer: So I wasn't surprised when he left his wife for his girlfriend, but I was surprised by the domestic battery charge. But... you know how women can be.
Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com
Overheard by: Jan
Categories: Cops | Crimes | Eavesdrop DC | Gender issues | Relationships | Violence | Posted 2010-01-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...For Being So Gay.
Oversexed frat boy at house party: Yeah! We're gonna shoot 'em with our sperm cannons!
Providence, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Katie M
Categories: Bragging | Cum | Frat boy types | Penis | Rhode Island | Stupidity | Violence | Posted 2010-01-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It Happens.
Deli worker : Hey, do you got a pen that works?
Colleague: Nah, I must have dropped mine in the parking lot after I stabbed someone with it.
Long Island, New York
Categories: Coworkers | Crimes | New York | Offers and requests | Violence | Posted 2010-01-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If You Make Us Sleep in Wood-shavings Again
Guy to girlfriend: Next break I'm going to hug you like a retard squeezing a hamster!
Burnaby
Canadia
Overheard by: Doesn't Like Hamsters Anyway
Aren't You Glad We Can All Joke About Mass Murder Like This?
Sweet-ass security guard: Miss, you're going to have to hang up your phone and run it through the machine.
20-something girl intern: But I'm not a terrorist, and I'm on an important call. Can't I just walk through?
Sweet-ass security guard: Miss, that would be like Timothy McVeigh driving up and asking "hey, can I park my car here?"
Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com
Overheard by: Ian
Categories: Compare and contrast | Cops | Crimes | Eavesdrop DC | Employees | Offers and requests | Violence | Posted 2010-01-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Best. Baby Shower. Ever.
Woman to group of girls: I would rather sword fight you than make baskets and decorate cakes.
St. Louis, Missouri
Seems Rather a Moat Point
Middle aged man on phone: Maraud my castle?
Bath
England
Overheard by: Clara Lee
Categories: England | Guys | On the phone | Questions | Violence | Posted 2009-12-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We Salute the Men and Women Who Fight for the Freedom to Be Ignorant
Soldier: So I guess I'm leaving around April-ish.
Girl: Why can't they send you to Paris? Or Greece?
Soldier: Um... Cause we aren't at war there?
Girl: Well, we should be!
Ft. Campbell, Kentucky
They're All Just So Ignorant, Y'Know?
Man #1: I hate the Middle East.
Man #2: Yeah. We should just nuke that island.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: amazed and frightened
Categories: Geography | Gripes | Guys | Overheard in Minneapolis | Violence | Posted 2009-12-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Strip Poker Has Sure Changed a Lot Since I Was in College
Girl to friends: I always win, though... and it's pretty easy. I just hit him until he takes it off.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: disturbed onlooker
Categories: Friends | Girls | Overheard in Minneapolis | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2009-12-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Kim Jong-il Actually Pulls Off "Hobo" Flawlessly
Hobo, panhandling to passer-bys: Can anyone spare some change so I can buy a little wine, some booze, some cheese, a little pot... Maybe some nuclear weapons...
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: http://psychedelicmess.blogspot.com
Categories: Canadia | Drinking & drunks | Drugs | Food | Hobos | Money | Panhandling | Strangers | Violence | Posted 2009-12-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Last Time I Messed Up the Order and Ruined the Whole Thing.
Wannabe thug, carrying Celtics flag: First I'm gonna get blood on it, and then ash!
Portsmouth, New Hampshire
Categories: New Hampshire | Threats | Thugs | Violence | Posted 2009-12-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If You've Never Been Forced to Go to Bible Camp, You Can't Judge.
Woman to friend: And her therapist is saying she doesn't need any more therapy sessions. I mean, she was cutting herself at camp a only month ago!
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: not appropriate in the hardware store
Categories: Friends | Mental illnesses | Overheard in Minneapolis | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2009-12-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Like We Did to That Little Make-a-Wish Girl
Boyfriend to girlfriend: Yeah, I'd throw a snowball at the Princess of Sweden. Knock that tiara right off her fucking head.
Girlfriend: Totally. You'd be like, "who's Princess now, bitch?"
Vancouver
Canadia
Who Ever Said Dating Teen Wolf Was Easy?
White girl: Bite his face!
Asian girl: Ew, no! It's all hairy!
White girl: Sometimes you need to do things that you don't like. Like biting a hairy face, for example. Or putting balls in your mouth to get back your Breakfast Club movie...
Asian girl: Oh, you poor thing.
New Jersey
Once Again, She's So Lucky I'm Not a Bitch!
Teenage girl with bad haircut: Ugh, I so just want to punch Lauren* in the face... She's lucky I'm not a bitch.
Overweight teenage boy: I know!
Teenage girl with bad haircut: I mean, seriously, all the time from here it's all "blah blah blah, I got raped." So annoying!
Overweight teenage boy: I know!
Teenage girl with bad haircut: I'd understand if it was once in a while... but dude, she talks about it all the time!
Edmonton
Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Lisa
Not the Worst Pick-Up Line We've Ever Heard...
Guy: If I bought a handgun I would name it "Lady Boner."
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
But She Didn't Use Their Blood As Paint This Time!
Sober girl: Look, all I'm saying is, I wouldn't fucking mess with her. She's clinically insane.
Drunk girl: But you know, I think she's really smart. There are those people, you know, that are so smart they're like actually crazy... Real mental, and we just think they're weird, but they're not! They have like, an IQ of 200!
Sober girl: You do realize that she drew pictures of her friends decapitated, right?
Wellington
New Zealand
Overheard by: Were they talking about the same person?
Categories: Character | Compare and contrast | Drunks | Girls | New Zealand | Questions | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2009-11-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How Wars Start: Encapsulated.
20-something woman #1: I have mixed feelings about this bar and grill.
20-something man: I hate this bar and grill.
20-something woman #2: I'm gonna burn down this bar and grill!
Las Vegas, Nevada
You're Gonna Love Detroit, Sir
Social worker talking to hobo: What can I get for you, sir?
Hobo: How about a 9 mm semi-automatic gun?
Social worker: Well, I can't do that, but do you need bus tickets? Where are you going?
Hobo: Hell.
Social worker: Okay, I'll get those bus tickets then.
Hobo: Your hair's much nicer than mine.
Hospital
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: yooo
Categories: Canadia | Compare and contrast | Compliments | Employees | Evil | Hair | Hobos | Offers and requests | Public Transportation | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2009-11-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Check Your Calendar and Get Back to Me
Woman to husband: Can you run me over on Saturday?
Train
Sydney
Australia
Pets Being the Obvious Exception
British individual rights professor: States can't go around cutting people's bollocks off because they've been naughty.
Law Class
St. Louis, Missouri
Almost As Rude As Answering Your Cell Phone in Class
Pol-sci professor: Nuking other countries is kind of rude.
University of Memphis
Memphis, Tennessee
Today's Young Woman Is Proud to Display Everything She's Got
Library worker girl: That's a cute bag.
Library worker girl with clear purse: Thanks!
Boss man: But then everyone can see everything you have!
Library worker girl with clear purse: It's not like I got a gun or anything... I can always hide things between the books...
Library worker girl: Like your gun?
Kent State University Library
Kent, Ohio
Categories: Books | Bosses | Colleges & Universities | Compliments | Coworkers | Fashion | Ohio | Questions | Violence | Posted 2009-11-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Is There an Appropriate One?
Crazy lady yelling at bus stop sign: I wish someone would rape me in an inappropriate way!
Chicago, Illinois
The Five-Second Rule Absolutely Applies to Boobs
Girl on birth control: I think my boobs grew!
Friend, grabbing her boob: Really?!
Girl's boyfriend, slapping friend's hand away: Hey, hey, too long!
Jersey City, New Jersey
...And Bring Out the Visual Aids.
Student, about the economy: Well, what if I just took my big stick and made them give me their resources?
Professor: Well, let's just imagine that your stick isn't big enough to extract the resources you want. (chuckles) Sometimes there's no pleasure in the big stick. Okay, I'm gonna stop talking about sticks now.
Classroom
UC Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: Kelly
...But She'd Been Complaining About How She Doesn't Make Enough Bread.
Guy: Oh my god, she hates me!
Girl: What? Why?
Guy: Cause I'm the kid who threw a sandwich at her!
Tacoma, Washington
Double Dare's "Physical Challenges" Aren't What They Once Were
Girl #1: What? Did he think I was going to let him have sex with me?
Girl #2: Or choke you?
Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com
Overheard by: Marty
Preparing Me for the Cattiness Of Academia
Statistics teacher: There is a correlation between cats and happiness. Cats make people happy. But not all cats. I still have nightmares about some cats. When I was a little girl, there was this cat, Greta, who lived outdoors. I wanted to pet her, but she scratched up my whole arm and got her claws into my protoplasm!
Atlanta, Georgia
Categories: Animals | Body parts | Georgia | Happiness | Kids | Memory lane | Teachers | Violence | Wishes | Posted 2009-10-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's Not the Jesus Story I've Heard
Greenpeace guy: It's never good to idolize someone who died hanging himself and jerking off.
Oregon State University
Overheard by: David
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Death & dying | Guys | Masturbation | Oregon | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2009-09-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
At Least He Only Wanted My Clothes.
Teen to friends: Yeah, as if getting mugged isn't bad enough, it's even worse when the dude is naked.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: jfa.
Categories: Compare and contrast | Friends | Overheard in Minneapolis | Teens | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2009-09-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Fox: "Can We Base a Reality Series on That Premise?"
Professor: I don't even turn on the television anymore. It's just violence. It's all rape, and gore, and homosexual pedophiles in wheelchairs who chop up grandmothers.
Shout-out: www.overheardatmcgill.com
Overheard by: philosopher
Maybe Stop Voting Republican?
Guy: My mom hit my dad with a frying pan. He doesn't have a cheek anymore. It's been entirely restructured. She used to beat the shit out of him! It was so funny. But when he drunk--that's when she'd get a beating.
Girl, sympathetically: Your family...
Guy: Oh, I love my family! I don't know what I'd do without them!
Neptune City, New Jersey
Categories: Body parts | Drinking & drunks | Family ties | Feelings | Girls | Guys | New Jersey | Relationships | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2009-09-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ah, the Ever-Effective Nuremberg Defense!
Guido to skinny guy on métro: So you weren't really grabbing her boobs. That's just following instructions. (pause) You were just being a team player, man.
Vendôme Métro
Montréal
Canadia
Being a Looney Tune Is a Thankless Job
Female student, having side conversation: I'm always getting hit by pianos!
Columbia College
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Illinois | Students | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2009-09-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Best Part Of Our Lives Happens Between Our Ears
Teenage girl, talking about singer at concert: It was like Star Wars, except we weren't fighting with lightsabers and my hand didn't get cut off. Oh, and he was onstage and couldn't see me.
Rumson, New Jersey
Categories: Compare and contrast | Hands | Movies | Music | New Jersey | Stupidity | Teens | Violence | Posted 2009-09-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...But Wait: Your Girlfriend?
Dude #1: So, I'm trying to get my girlfriend to cancel her wedding to her friggin abusive boyfriend.
Dude #2: Wait! Your girlfriend?
Dude #1: Yeah, my girlfriend. Her boyfriend beats the shit out of her.
Dude #2: Word?
Dude #1: I mean, it's such a waste of money! They gotta spend money on the hotel and the reception. Such a waste, right?
Dude #2: I guess...
NYS Fair
Syracuse, New York
Some Of Emily Dickinson's Later Work Fell a Bit Short
Literature substitute teacher: Did I hear that correctly? Did you say "Please don't rape me with your feelings"?
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: yep, your hearing is perfect.
Categories: Education | Feelings | Offers and requests | Overheard in Minneapolis | Teachers | Violence | Posted 2009-09-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Taking Evisceration and Dismemberment Next Term?
Girl #1, about classes she's taking: Oh, yeah, and then there's Murder and Genocide.
Girl #2: That sounds awesome!
Girl #1: I know, right?
Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com
Overheard by: Ian
The Guns Vs. Butter Model Of Parenting
Dad: Do you want to get McDonald's?
Boy, screaming: No!
Dad: Do you want to get Burger King?
Boy: No!
Dad: Do you want to get ice cream?
Boy: No!
Dad: Do you want to get machine guns?
Boy: Yes.
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Lacy
Dear O.J. ...
Businessman: I know! Because what was I supposed to kill him with---my driver? Can you even use a golf club for that sort of thing?
Arlington, Virginia
In This Case, She Meant to Stun, Not Kill
Taxi cab driver: She ain't big, but she ain't little, you know. (pause) Broke that bottle over Anna head, but she mean well.
Sierra Vista, Arizona
Overheard by: K
Categories: Arizona | Body parts | Compare and contrast | Conductors | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2009-09-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Global Theologicalear Destruction
Friend to another: Then he dropped the f-bomb of god!
Cleveland, Ohio
The "Physics Fiesta" Failed to Draw the Crowds They'd Anticipated
Alpha nerd to friends: We should kidnap more people for parties.
Ottawa
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Dorks, Geeks & Nerds | Friends | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2009-08-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Difference Between Bad Nazis and Good Nazis, Encapsulated
Teen girl: If I saw a really crazy sandcastle, I'd totally kick it down. Anyone would.
Teen sister: I would never, like, mess something up like that if someone was really good at something. Unless they were really good at something I hated. Like... being ugly.
Rumson, New Jersey
Ah, the Terrible Twos.
Woman on cell, in deadpan voice: Now's not a good time to talk to him about it. (pause) He's got a chainsaw. I really wouldn't talk to him about it right now.
Bus
Amherst, Massachusetts
Categories: Bus | Fears | Massachusetts | On the phone | Violence | Women | Posted 2009-08-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
My Train Is Like the Hotel California, Beeyotch.
Black woman #1: I hate when people wait to the last minute to try and get off at a stop.
Black woman #2: Mmm-hmm.
Black woman #1: I don't let them past if they try to do that shit.
Black woman #2: What you do?
Black woman #1: I'll push their mothafuckin' ass back on the train!
Subway
New York City
Categories: Ass | Black people | Gripes | Insults | New York | Public Transportation | Train | Violence | Women | Posted 2009-08-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'd Totally Do That If It'd Make Me Young Again
Middle-aged woman, about teenager: She's so beautiful. She could be a model. (pause) I want to run her over with my car.
Bellingham, Washington
Better Than Our Current Strategy in the Middle East
Crazy hobo, walking in office: Ecstasy! Ecstasy! Give every male one shot of ecstasy a day from the time they are seven to seventy, and that will end all the violence!
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: follylolly
The Beanstalk Giant Always Had Trouble Fitting In.
Teenager, chasing after young boy on bike: I'm gonna eat your children!
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Li'l Bit
I Remember the First Time I Felt the Sting for Forceable Intercourse and the Warmth Of Dirt...
Tour guide: The vestal virgins would be raped and buried alive if they were no longer virgins. If they let the fire go out, they would just be buried alive.
Tourist: I dunno if that's any better.
Little old Japanese woman: Hey, at least the first way you get some thrills.
Colosseum
Rome
Italy
She Wears Steel-Toed Boots.
Teen #1: I could fuck your sister.
Teen #2: Yeah? Well, I could fuck a horse.
Teen #1: No you couldn't.
Teen #2: Why not?
Teen #1: You can't just sneak up on a horse and fuck it in the ass.
Teen #2: I wouldn't sneak up on it, I'd let it know I was there.
Teen #1: You'll get kicked in the face. And you'll die.
Teen #2, quietly: Whatever, dude... Just don't fuck my sister!
New York City, New York
Categories: Animals | Ass | Death & dying | Family ties | New York | Sex | Teens | Violence | Posted 2009-08-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Some Children Don't Blend Well
Little girl to friend: You little... Butter, I'm going to whip you up until you smell like rotten juice!
Park Playground
Tacoma, Washington
Categories: Compare and contrast | Food | Friends | Kids | Sensory experiences | Should have used a condom | Threats | Violence | Washington | Posted 2009-08-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Show Some Respect
Girl to two people fighting in buffet line: Come on, you guys! Chill out, we're in the presence of food!
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Brit~ta~nee
What You Never Knew About Clark Kent's Upbringing
Daddy: If you don't eat...
Three-year-old boy: You'll hit my butt? I like it when you hit my butt, it feels good on my super wee-wee!
Chick-fil-A
Columbia, South Carolina
Overheard by: Carrie
Categories: Ass | Dads | Food | Kids | Parenting | Restaurants | Sensory experiences | Should have used a condom | South Carolina | Threats | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2009-08-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Piano: "I Had Poison Ivy!"
Girl, bitching to friend: She was scratching my piano! I wanted to throw her down the stairs!
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Soko
In Between and During Periods Of Incarceration
Woman to mother being slapped in the rear by little boy: Oooh, your son is bad!
Mother: Yeah, I think he's gonna be an ass man when he grows up!
Jersey City
New Jersey
Categories: Age and ageing | Ass | Kids | Kids | Moms | New Jersey | Parenting | Strangers | Violence | Women | Posted 2009-07-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We're Lucky the Wildfires Keep Us Safe
Girl #1: There are these bees in Asia, and they like shoot venom at you and it like eats your skin or something.
Girl #2: Wow, that's crazy, man! Remind me never to go to Africa.
High School
Scottsdale, Arizona
Australian Baseball Is a Bit Different from Ours
Teen boy to group of friends: So okay, all we need to take with us is some glue, feathers, some petrol, and a lighter.
Friend: Cool.
Sydney
Australia
From Stephen King's The Passion Of Christine
Little girl: Where is Jesus?
Bored babysitter: Umm, I don't know... In your heart?
Little girl: Well, then guess what?
Bored babysitter: What?
Little girl: I'm going to punch him! (starts punching herself in the heart)
Toronto
Canadia
Categories: Babysitters | Body parts | Canadia | Feelings | Jesus | Kids | Kids | Questions | Violence | Posted 2009-07-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Have a Friend Named "Halfbreed"?
Smoker girl: How did you get that scrape on your arm?
Inked boy: Well, TJ picked me up in the parking lot the other night after the club, like literally, picked me up and carried me over to Halfbreed, and threw me to him, but Halfbreed didn't know what was going on and so we both fell over.
Smoker girl: Ouch.
Inked boy: So apparently, all it takes to knock him down is a hundred-thirty-five pound Italian projectile surprise.
Smoker girl: Do you stay awake at night thinking of these little quips? Or do they just come to you in moments of genius?
Inked boy: No, I thought of it that night. I've just been waiting to use it.
Providence, Rhode Island
It Was Softball League-- We'd Both Been Drinking
Supportive male friend: It's okay! Just remember, you fucked her sister with a baseball bat.
Cute girl: I know, I know...
Ann Arbor, Michigan
But He's a Fantastic Gymnastics Coach.
Girl #1: He stabbed me in the face, but he awright.
Girl #2: (unintelligible)
Girl #1: Yeah! It's like he don't care about my well-being.
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Categories: Body parts | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Michigan | Relationships | Stupidity | Violence | Posted 2009-07-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Was Alvin and the Chipmunks Banned in Canadia?
Lady #1: So we have these squirrels in our backyard, and I don't know if the rabbits got to them or what, but they don't have any tails, just these stubs.
Lady #2: (laughs loudly)
Union Station
Toronto
Canadia
Categories: Animals | Body parts | Canadia | Violence | Women | Posted 2009-07-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...You Wanna Go to Build-a-Bear?
Roid Rager, angrily: Nobody gives me the finger while I'm driving!
Hipster, calmly: Well, you need to slow down. It's a parking lot.
Roid Rager, enraged: You wanna do something about it?
Hipster: No. I'm not gonna fight you in front of Sears.
Rockaway Mall, New Jersey
Overheard by: Joe Bagodonuts
Then There Was the Guy We Stabbed and Stuck in the Dumpster...
Hungover girl #1: I really feel like an ass.
Hungover girl #2: Why do you feel like an ass?
Hungover girl #1: Well I did throw a drink on someone.
Hungover girl #2, nodding: And got kicked out of the bar twice.
Wilmington, North Carolina
Categories: Ass | Compare and contrast | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Girls | North Carolina | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But Instead It Was Kindergarteners.
Guy: We could have been run over by trucks or seagulls.
Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York
Overheard by: Nik
Kindly Extract the Lens from My Rectum
Teen boy: Look, you're being molested! It's a Kodak moment!
Humanex Academy
Englewood, Colorado
And by That I Mean Exactly What You Think I Mean
Professor: I was house-sitting for them. I almost strangled the cat.
Oberlin, Ohio
Overheard by: Secret Spy
Try It and You're Outtie.
Dad to kid: Come back here, or I'll have to beat you!
Kid, indignant: You can't beat me! I'm a belly button!
Wal-Mart
Pasco, Washington
Categories: Body parts | Dads | Kids | Parenting | Stores | Threats | Violence | Washington | Posted 2009-06-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And the State Will Take Both Of Us Away
Woman to four-year-old daughter: Do not touch anything. Do you know what will happen if you touch something?
Little girl: You'll smack me in the face!
Liquor Store
New Jersey
Nothing But The Chicken Dance for Me and My Posse
White geek girl: I swear, if it's the goddamn Macarena, I'm gonna cap a bitch!
Highlands Ranch, Colorado
Jerry Springer Expands to Foreign Markets.
Mother to teen son: Your hair needs a cut.
Teen son: Your face needs a cut.
Dad: Your face needs a punch!
Ebdentown
New Zealand
Overheard by: Schmitty
Categories: Body parts | Compare and contrast | Dads | Default | Family | Guys | Hair | Moms | New Zealand | Offers and requests | Teens | Violence | Posted 2009-06-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or I Would If I Didn't Enjoy It So Much.
Reporter, at man's house after he hit someone at a kids' soccer game: Sir, how do you feel about your behavior?
Man, coming up to the door holding bowl of macaroni and cheese: I am ashamed. I slap my own face.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
NewsFlash: Happy Feet Director's Cut Startles Movie Patrons
Scary-looking older woman with two teenage girls: Well, they only skinned and hung up one man by his ankles.
Movie Entrance, Chapel Hills Mall
Colorado Springs, Colorado
But I've Told Them We Don't Negotiate with Terrorists.
Children librarian, about girl scout troop outside: Um...they're throwing rocks at the windows.
Library
Suburbia, Illinois
Overheard by: martha
Don't Even Get Me Started About Boo Beret Cereal
Old man to another, looking at soup: I just feel like I'm getting ripped off by the French!
Grocery Store
Maryland
Overheard by: Nic
Who Will Punch Me in the Ovaries Regardless.
Drunk punk girl #1: Oh my god! Is that a raccoon? I think it's staring at me!
Drunk punk girl #2: That's a fuckin shirt, you retard.
Drunk punk girl #1: Well, if it bites me, I'm punching you in the ovaries!
Drunk punk girl #2, muttering: I need new friends.
Outside Bar
Niagara Falls, New York
Categories: Animals | Bars & Clubs | Body parts | Clothes | Default | Drunks | Girls | New York | Offers and requests | Punks | Threats | Violence | Posted 2009-05-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Every Angelina Jolie Movie, in a Nutshell
Sex and Violence professor, at the end of the semester: You are sexy, you are violent. It's been an honor.
Pomona College
Claremont, California
Overheard by: Mell
Categories: California | Colleges & Universities | Compliments | Default | Sex | Teachers | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
So Then They Both Went Out for Fro-Yo
20-something girl at bar: So then Steve went to Danny's house, and he had to break his legs, cos...you know...
Friend: Yeah, that's a shame.
Brighton
England
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Body parts | Default | England | Friends | Girls | Gossip | Violence | Posted 2009-04-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Which Is the First Rule Of Lesbian Fight Club
Artsy emo: It was like lesbian Fight Club! First Leema liked Holly, then she liked Tracy, who liked Nicola, who also liked Holly. So Nicola and Leema got in a fist fight and in the end, Tracy and Holly had sex in the woodshop classroom!
Toronto
Canadia
The Kind Of Boy Who Grows Up to Be President
Eight-year-old boy playing Nintendo: Die! Die! Diediediediediediedie!
Older brother: Isn't that a little violent?
Eight-year-old: I'm goddam Kirby! I can do anything I want!
Houston, Texas
Categories: Death & dying | Default | Family | Games | Guys | Kids | Offers and requests | Questions | Texas | Violence | Posted 2009-04-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Isn't This Guy a Character on The Real World?
Ripped gym guy #1: This Jamaican guy showed me an ab exercise yesterday...it will kill you!
Ripped gym guy #2: (stares blankly, no reaction)
Ripped gym guy #1, louder: It will kill you! It will kill! You!!
Gym
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: wow, really?
Categories: California | Death & dying | Default | Geography | Guys | Gym rats | Health & Hygiene | Violence | Posted 2009-04-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...When They Could Be Doing Porn
Guy: I saw some midgets wrestling last night. I felt really bad. Why would they do that?
Point Park University
Pittsburgh, PA
Overheard by: ZB
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Feelings | Guys | Pennsylvania | Questions | Violence | Posted 2009-04-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Poleballing Is Huge in Canadia
Passerby to girl: They cut off my balls and taped them to a fucking pole.
Ottawa
Canadia
A Concise Recap of The Bootyguard
20-something #1: She's got fuckin' guns pointed at her vagina.
20-something #2: What?
20-something #1: No, dude. Seriously.
Palms, California
Pythagoras Is a Jealous God, People
Math teacher: If you fuck with numbers, you're fucking with god! And people get killed for that shit!
University of Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Tormented Math Student
Eating Dirt Is Also Off-Limits
Girl #1, talking about Lasik surgery: Well, they either cut your eye completely with a laser, or they do part of it surgically.
Girl #2: No! No! Stop. I can't talk about eyes. Don't talk about eyes, especially when I'm eating.
Guy: This is just like with my friend, Marise. We can't talk about killing people because she's from Haiti.
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: Molly
Categories: Body parts | Compare and contrast | Default | Food | Geography | Girls | Guys | Violence | Virginia | Posted 2009-01-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
After I Rolled Your Lungs and Smoked the Tar Out of Them
Nurse #1 (during break): I hope you don't mind, I took one of your cigarettes from your purse because I was really craving one.
Nurse #2: it's no problem. (pause) Wait. Was it my last one?
Nurse #1: Yeah...is that a problem?
Nurse #2 (furious): Are you fucking kidding me?!
Nurse #1: Yeah, yeah, relax! I was just kidding. There's two more in there.
Nurse #2: Oh my god. Don't joke about things like that.
Nurse #1 (nervously): Hahaha. I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't scared for my life just now.
Nurse #2 (seriously): And I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't thinking of places to hide your body.
Geneva General Hospital
Geneva, New York
Overheard by: molly guns
This Is Still Lindsay Lohan's Most Functional Relationship to Date
Drunk lesbian to sober girlfriend: Aw, I wanna puke but I can't!
Sober girlfriend: I would punch you in the stomach if you wanted ...that's how much I love you.
Drunk lesbian: Awww, that's sweet.
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Claire
Categories: Compliments | Default | Drinking & drunks | Girls | Lesbos | Stomach | Violence | Washington | Posted 2009-01-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...While Describing It to Me in Slow, Sultry Terms.
Older woman on phone: There are two dogs having relations on my front yard.
Chief of police: Well, hose them down.
Felton, Delaware
Overheard by: oh dear.
I Politely Schooled Her in the Art Of Saying, "Wassup, Biiiiitches?"
Girl #1: And she was like, "Hi, I'm Ashley" and stuck out her hand.
Girl #2: Did you smack her in the head? And tell her to stop talking like that?
Saint Joseph's University
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Pennsylvania | Questions | Violence | Posted 2009-01-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That Paperclip Chain Won't Build Itself, You Know
Woman on cell: You know, Corey, when I get a call at work saying my son has been stabbed, I expect it to be more than just a puncture wound. Don't waste my time with that shit.
Florence, Kentucky
Overheard by: Jesus Freak
Worst. Prostitute. Ever
Serious hipster chick #1: So she shot him in the leg, because that was her training.
Serious hipster chick #2 (nodding understandingly): Uh-huh.
Serious hipster chick #1: And then they ended up lying feet to feet.
Art Opening
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Terry B
Sugar Bear Is Next
Serious philosophy teacher: Captain Crunch has been raped.
High School
Bethesda, Maryland
Overheard by: clementine
Categories: About celebrities | Crimes | Default | Internet | Maryland | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Teachers | Violence | Posted 2008-12-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Axes Are For Plunder, Whips For Fun, Etc.
Four-year-old boy, wielding plastic sword and shield: It's a knife!
Boy's mother: No, it's a sword.
Four-year-old boy: No! It's a knife!
Boy's mother: No, no, no, Danny. Knives are for cutting. Swords are for vanquishing.
99 B-Line
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: Frodo Baggins