Joke's on You-- It Was Jesus Dressed As Santa!

Nanny (in thick Irish accent): Get over here right now!
(little girl does not move)
Nanny: Jesus sees you!
(little girl still not moving)
Nanny: Santa sees you, and you'll get nothing!
(little girl runs to nanny)

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Charles

If I Don't, May God Have Mercy on Your Souls

(the road is closed for Chinese New Year parade)
Bus driver: Folks, we'll be alright. We're going to take a right on Sansome, a left on Broadway, and a left on Stockton. We'll rejoin the original route at Stockton and Sacramento. Don't worry. Everything will be alright. As long as I still get paid, it's okay.

San Francisco, California

It's Not Gay If I'm the Boomer

(around a D&D table)
Boom: Boom the Barbarian is going to swing his sword.
Walk-in kid: Dude, your character sheet says he's a fighter.
Boom: Yeah. But his name is Boom the Barbarian.
Walk-in kid: That's gay.
Boom: It won't be gay when I boom all over your face.
Openly gay DM: Actually, it would.

Gaming Center
Grand Rapids, Michigan

MC Hammer Hasn't Gotten Laid in a Good Long Time

Professor: Clearly, if I am wearing these pants, no one is gonna want to get in them with me!

Economics Class
University of Delaware Newark, Delaware

Wasn't I Right About 2000-- and 2001?

Goth chick: Don't talk to me about the year 2012. The year 2012 is seriously pissing me off.
Otaku chick: Try to stick around for 2013 anyway. Just trust me on this one.

University Plaza
Colorado State

Put the Bedazzler Down, Bert

Guy, aggressively: I'll sparkle you!

The Eiffel Tower
Paris
France

Overheard by: Emily

You'll Have Plenty of Time for That When You're in Your 20's and Getting Out of Limos

Mother to daughter hopping up and down on escalator: Now Beth*, if you keep doing that your pants are going to get caught in the conveyor belt and they'll be ripped off and all of South Station is going to see your little mermaid underwear. [Girl immediately stops.]

South Station
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Meg

But Not a Real Green Dress --That's Cruel

Girl on phone: I'll go on MySpace and look until I die for a picture of you in a ugly green dress!

Orlando Ale House
Orlando, Florida

At Least You Have Your Priorities Straight

Ten-year-old boy: You know what I would have if I could have four wishes?
Big sister: I don't know. What?
Ten-year-old boy: One: no drought in Georgia; Two: no global warming; Three: world peace; Four: a Komodo dragon that is really nice and fun to play with, is a vegetarian, lives forever and can grant eternal life.

Druid Hills, Atlanta

Overheard by: Miranda

As Depicted in All of My Paintings

Mother to daughter: I swear, next time you're going to smack your mouth on something and I'm just going to move you to the side and leave you there and watch the blood run down.

On Line for Space Mountain
Disney World, Florida

Overheard by: Kat

I Hardly Touched Myself at All

Dude: Just because I watched you out a window for an hour doesn't mean I'm creepy.

High School Classroom
Englewood, Colorado

Well Obviously

Film professor: Apparently in the 1970s the devil came to earth with the intention of occupying small women.

Corvallis, Oregon

Overheard by: David

Strong Enough for a Man; Yummy Enough for Little Bobby

Little boy, singing: Should I stay or should I go now? If I stay I'll eat your armpits!

Newton, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Amy

When Stoners Write for Fortune Cookie Companies

Serious girl: You have to clean your bathroom or else there'll be hungry ghosts lurking behind your toilet.

Smith College
Northampton, Massachusetts

A Mom Can Dream, Can't She?

Angry mother on the bus: Come here and sit down!
Four-year-old: No, it's okay. I'm being good.
Angry mother: This bus is going to stop suddenly and you're going to fall down and crack your head open on one of the bars, and before the bus gets back around to the hospital you will bleed to death!

Pullman, Washington

Overheard by: jeff

Body Nazis Are So Vulnerable to Imperfection

Girl: I am going to show you guys my toe, and you're gonna be sorry!

Cresson, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: ZB

Stop Being White in Popeye's!

Black girl #1: Okay, I know what I'm getting. Do you know what you're getting?
White girl: I've never been here before. Let me look for a while. [Pauses, then yells.] Wait a minute! Popeye's a sailor; Why does he sell chicken?
Black girl #2: Oh my god, shut up now or no more vodka for you for the rest of the night!
White girl: Okay. [Giggles.] I'm sorry.
[Black girls start talking to each other.]
White girl, yelling: Why are there no white people in here?!
Black girl #1: Aww fuck, take her outside to the car. This is her first and last time ever coming here!

Popeye's
Trenton, New Jersey

Psh, I'd Be Asking for High Fives

Guy #1: John* really needs to get laid. He hasn't hooked up for months.
Guy #2: Dude, didn't you hear what happened to him?
Guy #1: No.
Guy #2: The last girl he brought home shat in his bed. He's been kind of gun-shy since then.

Charlottesville, Virginia

Well He Was French

Philosophy professor: Whatever you do guys, you can't let Descartes come through the back door!
Students: [Laugh hysterically.]
Philosophy professor: It's not funny! Descartes always tries to come through the back door!

University of Portland
Oregon

Overheard by: B Student

Do Girls Have Penises? Discuss

[Chick #1 drops purse, condom falls out.]
Chick #2: [Hands it back.] I didn't know you had a penis.
Chick #1: I'm just being prepared.
Chick #2: In case you grow a penis?

High School Classroom
Englewood, Colorado

We Thought Only Americans Knew This Little About Sex Ed.

[Line for ladies' room]
Girl #1: Hi, do you mind if I cut in front of you? It's urgent.
Girl #2: Sure.
Girl #1: Thanks, I have to change my tampon.
Girl #2: [Blank stare.]
Girl #1: I have to make sure I change it often. Not too often, because once I changed it too much and got chlamydia.
Girl #2: Oh...[Suppresses laugh.]

Western Australia
Australia

Typhoid Mary Was Also an Avid Bowler

Woman at table dining with friend: I mean, I love infectious diseases, don't get me wrong, but that's not my life.

Red Restaurant
Nashville, Tennessee

Overheard by: kyndgrrl

If It Leaves My Coffee Table All Wobbly Again, So Be It

Annoyed suit: Sir, don't make me break out the "Canterbury Tales!"

Washington, DC

Slylock Fox's Puzzle: How Many Things Are Wrong with This Conversation?

Thug sitting in traffic yelling into cell: I moved you and the goddamn kids out here! I robbed muthafuckas for you! I'm facing five to ten goddamn years for you, and I can't even get a goddamn thank you?! Bitch, you drunk?!

Highway
Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: scaredspectator

Really the Only Way to Be Safe in a Manhole

Construction worker yelling into manhole: As a matter of fact, I'm wearing a condom right now! Really! I put one on this morning.

10th and Pine
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Didn't want to know

Suck His Toes and You'll Be High for Days

Large black woman on cell: Girl! I'm tellin' you, I don't know where I gots them warts on my feets. But they nasty! I don't want to give them to nobody else, so I brought me some lil' socks, you know... Them cushy foots? Not like Earl, who goes barefoot all over the city with them mushroom funguses on his toes. His toenails be like baby powder! They all crumbly and shit.

Detroit Metro Airport
Detroit, Michigan

Overheard by: Trying not to barf (and glad I wore socks)

I Had a Roommate Who Bleached the Bathroom Three Times a Week. True Story

Chick on cell phone: My roommate was rolling a lint roller all over her head for like ten minutes and finally I was like: "What the fuck are you doing? You're gonna pull all your hair out!" ... Haha yeah... She threatened to kill me if I asked her anymore questions... She probably watches me sleep.

UB Bus
Buffalo, New York

Meet the Most Forgetful Woman in Dallas

Woman: I found the nipple! Crisis averted.

N. Bishop Avenue
Dallas, Texas

Overheard by: Faith

You Have the Hairbrushes, Right?

Girl, wearing leather pants and high heels, pushing a cart containing D batteries, duct tape, and huge bag of rice, on cell: I don't know why he's so smug, I told him what I would do to him if I caught him again. [pause] Okay, well I've almost got everything I need, I'll be right over.

Wal-Mart
Lufkin, Texas

Overheard by: wtf?

And That's Not Even Including the Millions of Unborn Babies

Girl to friend: I swear to god, if there is semen on my shirt, I will kill everyone.

College Park, Maryland

Overheard by: Tom and Laura

Why Nobody's All That Sold on the Idea Of Heaven

College guy: And then, there would be no more vagina!

Bethesda, Maryland

Overheard by: Laiah and Caitlin

Can You Even Use "Oxygen" As a Verb Like That?

Male flight attendant: ... And if you brought more than two children with you today, decide which your favorite is and oxygen that one first.

Southwest Airlines Flight #135

Always a Burning Question

Sensitive soul: Why would I fuck you if you have a rash?

Dining Hall, Stony Brook University
Stony Brook, New York

Overheard by: Slightly amused but scared

Wait, It's Fall? How Long Was I Playing That Wii?

Boyfriend, looking around suspiciously: ... It smells funny...
Girlfriend: It's the outside!

Webster City, Iowa

Overheard by: Phoebe

The 1990's Called...

Philosophy professor, proving his argument: Therefore, if I don't get a little crazy, then I'm never gonna survive.

Michigan State University
Michigan

Overheard by: sjshock

Does That Ever Work on Black People?

Leathery hobo to passing students: One of you white-ass, livin'-inside motherfuckers owes me a dollar!

Austin, Texas

It's Funny 'til Somebody Loses an Aircraft

Pilot to passengers: If you kids don't calm down right now and stop throwing those damn pillows, I will turn this plane around and I will take you back to Mexico!

1999 flight from Cancun to San Francisco, California

Overheard by: the end of senior trip

Dooming You to Come on Time for All