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The Original Screenplay for Waiting to Exhale Left Something to Be Desired
Gay white male, exiting train: I can only go ten stops without smoking a cigarette, otherwise I get angry!
Old black female, entering train: Damn, mo' sugar in here than a tank of Kool-Aid.
Orange Line
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Cryptic C62
Categories: Black people | Compare and contrast | Gays | Massachusetts | Public transportation | Smoking | Posted 2011-07-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Oh Honey, I Would Put Your Marlboro Out With My Tongue
Obviously-not-18-year-old girl, handing man money: Go get me a pack of Camels number nine, please.
20-something man: Are you serious? They're going to think I'm fruity. (walks into store, immediately walks back out) I can't buy them. That girl is working.
Obviously-not-18-year-old girl: I'm sorry, would you like me to buy Marlboro Reds? That's a manlier cigarette.
20-something man: That'd be great. (goes back in and returns with Marlboro Reds): Sorry about that. Uh, if I don't get my type of cigarettes then I think they'd get suspicious.
Obviously-not-18-year-old girl: You don't even smoke.
Akron, Ohio
Santa Sure Has Changed Over the Years.
Girl to friend: He's like the crocodile hunter of smoking cigarettes and really slutty girls.
Plymouth, New Hampshire
Overheard by: Liz Nelson
Categories: Animals | Compliments | Friends | Girls | New Hampshire | Sexuality | Smoking | Posted 2011-01-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...And We'll Write It Off As a Business Expense.
Loud 40-something suit on cell: Yeah, let's sit around smoking ganja on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, and you can teach me Swahili.
Giant Eagle Grocery
Medina, Ohio
Categories: Druggies | Offers and requests | Ohio | On the phone | Smoking | Posted 2011-01-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Didn't You Read the Welcome Sign at the Airport?
Tourist: Wait, so you can't smoke cigarettes, but you can smoke pot?
Local guy: Welcome to California!
Golden Gate Park
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Arielle
Towelie Encounters Problems in College
Guy #1: Hey dude, I was super stoned last night when I studied for this sociology test. I totally understood it and it all made sense.
Guy #2: Damn. I should try that.
Guy #1: No, dude, cause now I can't remember what I read.
University Of Minnesota
Duluth, Minnesota
No More Decisions for You, My Pet
Smoking man in expensive suit to smoking woman in expensive dress: And then, either way, you're a zombie. Right?
Toronto
Canadia
Not As Cute As a Baby with a Cigar, but Close.
Life insurance rep: So how many cigarettes do you smoke a day?
Young woman: Oh, maybe like three or four...
Life insurance rep: Oh, that's cute.
Jersey City, New Jersey
None Of Them Are Filtered
Teen gangsta wannabe yelling to small boy on playground: No, I wasn't, I don't smoke! He was just transferring the smoke to my mouth! (pause) Never mind! I'm not gay!
Park
Cincinnati, Ohio
Still Say You'd Never Date a Jersey Girl?
Girl: I'm gonna miss smoking.
Guy: We both will. Oh, well...
Girl: I'll just replace it by giving you blowjobs all the time.
Guy: Yeah, we can't do that in public.
Girl: We can carry around a tent. Or I can carry around a parasol, and if anyone asks I can say I'm under my property and they're trespassing.
New Jersey
...I'd Prefer Not to Be Thought Of As a Person.
Bad egg in sweater-vest: Gandhi was a Marlboro man, not Newport.
Friend in tight polo: You're the worst sort of person.
Bad egg in sweater-vest: That hurts.
New Haven, Connecticut
Categories: About celebrities | Assholes | Comebacks | Connecticut | Feelings | Friends | Smoking | Posted 2010-08-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Burned My Eyebrows Off More Than Once
Girl #1: It's like those candy cigarettes you used to get at Halloween. It teaches kids bad principles.
Girl #2: Those taste like crap anyway.
Guy: Yeah, and they never catch.
Boone, North Carolina
Categories: Candy | Compare and contrast | Girls | Holidays | Smoking | Posted 2010-02-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
NewsFlash: Community College Student Has Intimate Drug Knowledge. Film at 11.
Student: My girlfriend's theory on smoking is that it's good for you because it's natural.
Professor: Yeah, it's not like that crystal meth. That stuff's all chemicals.
Voice from the back: True dat!
Community College
Michigan
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Drugs | Health & Hygiene | Michigan | Smoking | Students | Teachers | Posted 2010-02-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Okay, You Don't Have to Show Me.
Grandson, watching grandmother hold cigar as if it was a joint: If grandma takes off her bra and burns it, I'm gonna freak out.
Grandma: Oh, Simon! I'm not wearing one.
Spencer, Iowa
For the Sake Of the Wife and Kids
Obvious minor: Can I get a pack of Marlboro lights?
Mini-mart man: Do you have ID?
Obvious minor, indignant: Yeah, but I don't have it on me!
Mini-mart man: Would you like two packs for $9.45?
Obvious minor: No thanks, I'm trying to cut down.
Greenport, New York
Oh, Right: "I'm a Smoker Now."
Guy #1: Dude, how do you blow smoke rings!
Guy #2 jokingly: It is the same as sucking dick.
Guy #1: Oh, okay! (blows smoke rings effortlessly)
Guy #2: Do you need to tell me something, man?
Hookah Bar
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Categories: BJs | Bars & Clubs | Colorado | Compare and contrast | Guys | Penis | Questions | Sexuality | Smoking | Posted 2009-12-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Government Job?
Woman on cell: Yeah, I'm on my way to work. I gotta stop for cigarettes and a cocktail.
Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com
Overheard by: aaron
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Jobs & Careers | On the phone | Overheard in PDX | Smoking | Women | Posted 2009-11-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Frightening Because the Photograph Is Screaming
Girl, nodding to human mess across the way: Is that girl burning holes into a photograph with a cigarette?
Guy: That is frighteningly erotic.
University of South Florida
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Florida | Girls | Guys | Questions | Sensory experiences | Sex | Smoking | Weirdness | Posted 2009-11-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Bottom Line: It Tastes Like Shit.
Guy: You!
Smoking, unsuspecting girl: Me? What'd I do?
Guy: Do you know how lonely it's been since you and Dave* quit smoking? Then everyone started to quit! And now you're smoking again?! At first it was all cute: "Awwww, Emily and Dave* are quitting together! They're like each other's rocks!" Then what happened?!
Smoking girl, sheepishly: We sunk.
Guy: And was it your idea for Dave to start rolling his own cigarettes?!
Smoking girl: Yes...
Guy, exasperated: Every time I ask him for a cigarette, it's like smoking a diaper!
New Jersey
Categories: Compare and contrast | Feelings | Girls | Guys | Health & Hygiene | New Jersey | Questions | Relationships | Smokers | Smoking | Posted 2009-10-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why Else Go to College?
Frat guy, after taking a hit from a blunt and smoking a cigarette: I feel like I spend the majority of my day inhaling something.
University of Wisconsin
Madison, Wisconsin
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Drugs | Frat boy types | Smoking | Time Management | Wisconsin | Posted 2009-09-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But It Makes a Cool Gurgling Sound
10-year-old boy to another: Yeah, if you smoke it that way you can still get cancer. But if you smoke it through a water bong... yeah, about the same.
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Lauren
Further Evidence That Missouri Loves Company
Middle aged man power-walking with friend in the park: I wake up, I drink, and I smoke. Then, I go to work, come home, and drink and then smoke. You wanna know why I do this?
Friend: Why?
Middle aged man: I'm fucking depressed, that's why. So I wake up and do it all over again the next day.
Forest Park
St. Louis, Missouri
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Friends | Jobs & Careers | Maladies | Missouri | Questions | Smoking | Posted 2009-07-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Same with Underaged Hookers
Dude #1: Do you smoke?
Dude #2: No.
Dude #1: You should. It's really cheap here.
Java
Indonesia
Overheard by: not the person who overheard this (whatupM!!! : P)
You've Been Spending Too Much Time with Raspy Aunt Selma
Three-year-old: Pick me up some cigarettes! I need a smoke!
Dad: What did you just say!?
Kansas
But, Oddly Enough, Nine Months Later Sean Preston Was Born
Young professional woman: So, my husband and I decided we were ready to have a baby, but when I got pregnant I sort of freaked out and thought I wasn't ready. So I went out with my girlfriends, ate a bunch of sushi, smoked a pack of cigarettes and drank a fifth of tequila. Sure enough, the next day, I got my period. That shit really is bad for the pregnancy.
Flight over Atlanta, Georgia
Categories: Airports & flights | Default | Drinking & drunks | Family ties | Feelings | Food | Georgia | Pregnancy | Relationships | Smoking | Women | Posted 2009-04-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Suppose the Holes in the Balls Are Also Off Limits?
Vice principal: Listen up, everyone! The rules of the school also apply at the bowling alley. If you smoke, drink, or do drugs, we will call the cops. If you break anything, you will have to pay. If you hump the ball machine for the sake of irony, you will be sent home. That means you, Aaron*!
Aaron*: Aw, man!
High School
Englewood, Colorado
And They're Less Of a Drag
Hobo walking out of convenience store, tapping a pack of cigarettes to his hobo lady: I don't need you anymore. I got cigarettes.
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Matt
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Default | Feelings | Guys | Hobos | Smoking | Stores | Posted 2009-02-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Chances Are Good We'll Get to Denver or Somewhere Near It
Stressed flight attendant, after four-hour delay: Folks, we've just been cleared for immediate departure. (passengers cheer) All passengers must be seated, with your seat belts fastened for takeoff. To do so, insert the metal--well, if you can't figure it out for yourself, you're in trouble. If at any point an oxygen mask appears in front of you, you'll want to put that on. In the event of a water landing occurring between St. Louis and Denver, there will be a flotation device under your seat and about three feet of snow in hell. Emergency exits--front, over-wing and rear--wherever it says so. Don't even think about smoking. See the safety information card for the rest. Here we go.
Runway
St. Louis Airport, Missouri
Categories: Advice | Airports & flights | Default | Feelings | Flight attendants | Missouri | Smoking | Weirdness | Posted 2008-12-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Danny DeVito Rehearses for the Next Batman Movie
Waiter in white shirt, black pants and black bow tie (singing): Doot doot doot, penguins walking downtown, doot doot doot, penguins smoking cigarettes...
Spokane, Washington
To Re-Apply My Black Lipstick, Silly!
Goth/punk chick smoking a cigarette: Oh shit, you know what I forgot?
Goth/punk guy: That you're killing your unborn baby?
Huron & First
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Melanie
And Stop Slouching. You Know Who You Are
Flight attendant: Please refrain from smoking for the rest of your life.
Flight over Denver, Colorado
Categories: Advice | Airports & flights | Colorado | Default | Flight attendants | Health & Hygiene | Offers and requests | Smoking | Posted 2008-11-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Last Time I Use Flammable Lube
Man on phone: So I took my dick out of her ass and started smoking a cigarette... What else was I supposed to do?
Subway
New York City, New York
You Wanna Do That, the Army's Recruiting Right Down the Block
Customer having lunch: Can I smoke at this table?
Waitress: Honey, you're in Nevada. You can smoke, gamble, drink, screw and cuss. Just don't kill nobody!
Bucket of Blood Saloon
Virgina City, Nevada
Overheard by: Philly Joe
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Crimes | Customers | Default | Drinking & drunks | Employees | Murder | Nevada | Offers and requests | Questions | Smoking | US Geography | Women | Posted 2008-08-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Ginseng, St. John's Wort, Some Gravel from the Driveway, a Lego...
Tattooed guy: I once tried to smoke Aloe vera.
Taste of India
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Categories: Default | Guys | Memory lane | Minnesota | Restaurants | Smoking | Posted 2008-08-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Let's Get Some Chewing Tobacco to Spit
Girl, to two guys smoking in a bar: Oh my gosh! Smoking? Gross! (walks away, disgusted)
Guy #1: You wanna follow her and smoke?
Guy #2: Hell yeah, I do.
Denver, Colorado
How the Woodland Park Zoo Became a Disco Inferno
Trashy mom trying to get toddler to leave an animal exhibit: Get over here or I'll whop your butt!
(five seconds later) And give me back my lighter!
Woodland Park Zoo
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Jenster
Categories: Default | Insults | Kids | Moms | Offers and requests | Parenting | Smoking | Threats | Tourist attractions | Washington | Posted 2008-07-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why You Gotta Ax So Many Questions?
Jackie O. lookalike: If I can't sneak cigarettes into my house, what makes you think I can get an ax?
Starfest Sci-fi Convention
Denver, Colorado
Hint Hint, Those of You Who Want to Pass This Class
College professor: I wish there was a gas station on the corner that had a cigarette bar, and an espresso bar, and a drive-up liquor store. I would go there all the time, especially if I could just drive up and get my liquor.
Rochester Institute of Technology
Henrietta, New York
Overheard by: Concerned Student
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Drinking & drunks | New York | Smoking | Teachers | Wishes | Posted 2008-06-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And You're Spilling My Martini!
Kid: I want to go swimming!
Dad: They don't have any smoking rooms here, and I gotta smoke. We have to go somewhere else.
Kid: Can't you just go outside and smoke?
Dad: It's snowing outside! You'd like it if I had to go out in the cold and snow just so you could go swimming, wouldn't you?
Kid: But they have a pool here! I want to go in the pool!
Dad: That's all you do... All you do is think about yourself! I gotta smoke!
204 Hendersonville Road
Asheville, North Carolina
Overheard by: Taryn
Categories: Dads | Drugs | Gripes | Kids | Kids | North Carolina | Offers and requests | Smoking | Wishes | Posted 2008-05-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Dear Diary, The Refined Chitchat Is Still Not Working
Man: Hey, what are you girls doing?
Woman #1, uninterested: Cigarette break.
Man: So, what are you girls up to?
Woman #2: Cigarette break.
Man: So, you girls interested in a threesome?
Central Square
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Categories: Default | Guys | Jobs & Careers | Massachusetts | Smoking | Time Management | Women | Words | Posted 2008-03-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Want to Spread the Cancer Evenly Throughout Your Body
Friend #1: You're not inhaling!
Smoking girl: Do I have to inhale?
Friend #1: Yeah. Otherwise you're not really smoking.
Friend #2: You're just getting mouth cancer.
Bryn Mawr College
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Friends | Maladies | Pennsylvania | Questions | Smoking | Posted 2008-03-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Now I Only Eat It
Dude #1: So, when the hell did you start smoking cigarettes?
Dude #2: Last week.
Dude #1: Why the hell did you do that?
Dude #2: I wanna stop smoking pot.
University of Miami
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Stosh
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Comebacks | Default | Druggies | Drugs | Florida | Guys | Questions | Smoking | Time Management | Posted 2008-03-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And All Those Pills for Breakfast
Guy: I need some food.
Girl: You just had a cigarette!
Purdue University
West Lafayette, Indiana
Chimney: Hey, I Only Smoke When I Drink
Hyper girl: He smokes more cigarettes than a chimney!
Main Street
Northampton, Massachusetts
Overheard by: velvin
Categories: Chicks | Massachusetts | Smoking | Posted 2007-12-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Pinpointing Its Source Is Almost As Good As Being Alive
Man, offered a cigarette: No, I never smoke.
Woman, offering cigarette: Come on, you won't get cancer from one cigarette. Well, if you do, you'll know where it came from.
Shout-out: www.overheardinminneapolis.com
Overheard by: standing outside
Categories: Overheard in Minneapolis | Smokers | Smoking | Posted 2007-12-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That Good? Count Me In!
Annoying mom: Is smoking good or bad?
Five-year-old son: It's bad.
Annoying mom: That's right. And how bad is it? It's like eating everything at the top of the food pyramid.
Clinic lobby
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: joe the xrayguy
Not Until We Get a Few Things Straight in the Will
Old lady hooked up to portable oxygen machine: I need a cigarette!
Grandkids: Grandma, nooo!
Restaurant
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: martha
You Have to Do a Stupid Thing Six Hundred Times before It Kills You
Smoking office lady to others: She gets up on her roof, strips down, and just bakes in the sun. She thinks that just because she goes to the dermatologist once a month she's not going to get cancer. [Takes a long drag] What a retard!
Shout-out: overheardinphilly.blogspot.com
Overheard by: herbie mchebrew
Categories: Idiots | Overheard in Philly | Smoking | Posted 2007-10-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Last Temptation of Christie
Chick on cell: Christie! Christie! You better not smoke all of your cigarettes today! [Snaps phone shut.]
Shout-out: ohinmpls.blogspot.com
Overheard by: amy
Categories: On the phone | Overheard in Minneapolis | Smoking | Posted 2007-10-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Second-Hand Smoke Is Better Than I Remembered
Man: Can I bum a cigarette?
Beatnik girl: No, I need them all. The smoke fertilizes my brain, and I must get pregnant with ideas [blows smoke in his face].
São Paulo
Brazil
... Who's Due in June
Woman: I gotta smoke as much as I can before May 30th, 'cause after that it's bad for the baby.
Shout-out: www.overheardinminneapolis.com
Categories: Overheard in Minneapolis | Preggers | Pregnancy | Smoking | Posted 2007-06-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And If Anything Tastes Like Heroin, It's Your Jizz
Man smoking grape shisha out of a hookah: I don't think I like that one. It tastes just like heroin.
Girlfriend: You can't just go around saying things taste like heroin!
Virginia
Not before I'm Old Enough to Spend It on Hookers and Blow
Little kid in leather jacket to random man lighting cigarette: Nooo! Stop! Poison! I am too rich to die!
North Carolina
Categories: Glad the condom broke | North Carolina | Smoking | Posted 2007-05-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
