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Why Dr. Heimlich Invented His Maneuver
Guy, chuckling: Can you give me a blowjob?
Girl, also chuckling: No! Why would I do that?
Guy: Come on! Please?
Girl: No! (laughs)
Guy: Why not?
Girl: Just... No. Guy, please, there has to be some reason, just, why not?
Girl: There is no reason, I'm just not giving you a blowjob.
Guy: Oh. Come on! Please? There has to be a reason why.
Girl: I'm not giving you a blowjob because... (sighs) My mom says you would be a choking hazard, and I don't want to choke.
High School
Canadia
Categories: BJs | Body parts | Canadia | Girls | Guys | Offers and requests | Weirdness | Posted 2011-08-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ask Kevin Bacon
Concerned-looking boyfriend: Yes, but it might not be kosher.
Indifferent Londoner girlfriend: I don't think it's an issue.
Concerned-looking boyfriend: I dunno... If I eat pork... And you suck me off... Does that mean my cum is non-kosher?
Indifferent Londoner girlfriend: Sweetie, I told you, I'm Jewish, but when it comes to jizz I just don't care.
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Trust Me-- I Gave Derek His First Blow Job.
Sophomore girl #1: Did you hear Matt and Derek are going out now?
Sophomore girl #2: No way! I totally gave Matt his first blow job. He can't be gay! (pauses) Oh my god! Do you think I turned him gay?
Passing junior guy: Yeah, that'd do it.
High School
Annapolis, Maryland
Or Is It "Giving Head"?
Professor: Suppose a woman goes in for a haircut. No, that's not right! What are they called if they're for women? Blow-something. Blowjobs?
Shout-out: www.overheardatmcgill.com
Overheard by: econ 208
Categories: BJs | Hair | Overheard at McGill | Teachers | Words | Posted 2011-06-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But I Want to Be the Straight-shooter, If You Know What I Mean.
Male mountain biker: All we ever did was make out. And that's not what I want in a relationship. If I wanted a hook-up buddy I'd at least get one who would suck my dick. I mean, there's like 14 girls I could go to right now. So that's why I broke up with her.
Female mountain biker: Yeah... She was pretty straightforward though, wasn't she?
Crafton Hills, California
Overheard by: they didn't even notice I was wearing hiking in slippers
Categories: BJs | Bragging | California | Guys | Relationships | Posted 2011-05-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Time to Invest in Some Bose Headphones, Dear Reader
Female heard through the wall, after giving blow job: That's all you have to say? "Thanks?"
Male, through wall: Moshi-moshi.
Female, exasperated: See, that's your problem! Half the time you don't even speak English anymore!
Male: That was "thank you" in Japanese.
Female: Oh.
Norman, Oklahoma
Gotta Love the Church Bake Sale.
Young dude: Man, my jaw hurts.
Chick: Must have been all that sucking last night.
Young dude: Gotta be from something. Plus, I don't remember anything, so...
Quakertown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Ken
Categories: BJs | Body parts | Feelings | Guys | Memory lane | Pennsylvania | Posted 2011-03-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Although If Girls Had Dicks, I'd Be All Over 'em
Guy #1: Do you like Guns 'n' Roses?
Guy #2: Yeah.
Guy #1: In a strange sort of way, I know Slash. Well... Slash's mom used to be my TA, you know, my teacher's assistant, when I was a kid.
Guy #2: You gotta get me his autograph. I'll suck your dick if you get me his autograph.
Guy #1: Do you prefer guys?
Guy #2: Yeah.
Spokane, Washington
Categories: BJs | Guys | Music | Offers and requests | Questions | Washington | Posted 2011-03-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Advertised As Used Bicycles
Cab driver, ending phone call: That's why you never marry a chick that'll swallow for an extra $20. Can't believe people like that are on Craigslist!
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Advice | BJs | Massachusetts | On the phone | Relationships | Posted 2011-01-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You're Lucky You Have Me, Melina
Guy: If you had to suck a bag of dicks, would you want them to be hard or soft?
Girl: Soft! So I can fit them all in my mouth.
Guy: Well, I'd rather have them erect.
Girl: Oh! Uh. Why?
Guy: Cause there'd be less dicks in the bag.
Girl: What?! Why didn't I think of that?! Now I just sound like a whore!
Guy: You are.
Saint Peter's College
New Jersey
And Here I Thought I Was Granting a Favor
Man: Who doesn't love a blowjob!?
Woman: The woman on her knees with a dick in her mouth.
Man: Huh? Really?
Woman: Duhhh!
Manhattan, New York
At Least in My Case
Female law student #1: You don't have to know that. You can just 69 it.
Female law student #2: Wait... What?
Female law student #1: You know, 69 it. Get rid of it.
Female law student #2: No honey, it's "86" it. That thing you said is something dirty.
Mississippi College School of Law
Further Evidence That Malls Cause Gayness
Dude to two other dudes: I wouldn't just suck on the tip of it.
Downtown Mall
Charlottesville, Virginia
Overheard by: browny
I Have Standards; They're Just Substandard
Sorority girl #1: Yeah, I'd give him a blow job him if he gave me $100.
Sorority girl #2: So you'd prostitute yourself for low 3 figures?
Sorority girl #1: No! It's not like I would ever have sex with him, no matter how much he paid me! He's disgusting!
Indiana University Southeast
Still Say You'd Never Date a Jersey Girl?
Girl: I'm gonna miss smoking.
Guy: We both will. Oh, well...
Girl: I'll just replace it by giving you blowjobs all the time.
Guy: Yeah, we can't do that in public.
Girl: We can carry around a tent. Or I can carry around a parasol, and if anyone asks I can say I'm under my property and they're trespassing.
New Jersey
Mary Kay Letourneau Always Knew What She Wanted
Kid: Woah, you just blew my mind!
Teacher: That's not all I'll blow.
High School
Pennsylvania
Categories: BJs | Education | Kids | Kids | Pennsylvania | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Sensory experiences | Students | Teachers | Posted 2010-08-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Next Stop: "Placenta Brain"
Bride-to-be: Oh my god! I'm totally getting wedding-day head!
Friend: Oooh! Is that like before the ceremony or after?
Bride-to-be: Huh?
Groomsman: Does the groom get some head too?
Friend: Hell no! That shit stops once they're married!
Bride-to-be: What? Oh my god, you guys! I meant I'm getting nervous!
Chicago, Illinois
K-Fed: Explained.
Scruffy guy: Shit, I'd suck dick for money. I've always kind of wished I was a girl so I could be a stripper... or a whore.
Gainesville, Florida
I Promise Nothing
Guy: I'm so horny, I want a blowjob so bad...
Girl: You're not gonna cry again this time, are you?
The Poconos
Pennsylvania
No More Babysitting for You, Suzanne.
Nerdy girl to Asian friend: I mean, it was pathetic. I could've had my top off and had a sign around my neck that said "free blowjobs" and they wouldn't have noticed. They were all crowded around Mike watching him play Pokemon.
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Asians | BJs | Body parts | Dorks, Geeks & Nerds | Friends | Games | Illinois | Posted 2010-06-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If an American Had Written Lolita
Bro #1: Dude, the best deep throat I ever got.
Bro #2: Yeah, dude, does her mom mind?
Bro #1: Yeah, but just cause she's 14, though. Whatever. I'll just find me a better bitch.
San Diego, California
Categories: BJs | California | Guys | Insults | Posted 2010-03-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Men's Intuition
Guy: That dude's gonna get a blowjob in 20 minutes.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Categories: BJs | Guys | Pennsylvania | Time Management | Posted 2010-01-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And That Includes the Presidency, Sir.
Girl: You know, everything is just a blowjob away...
Montreal
Canadia
Categories: BJs | Canadia | Compare and contrast | Girls | Posted 2010-01-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
She's Awfully Peesnickety
Drunk guy: I'm so happy I'm a guy. I don't have to wipe after I pee.
Tipsy girl: You should really wipe if you want Lisa* to suck your dick.
Bayonne, New Jersey
Categories: BJs | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Girls | Guys | Happiness | Health & Hygiene | New Jersey | Pee | Penis | Sexuality | Stupidity | Wishes | Posted 2009-12-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Oh, Right: "I'm a Smoker Now."
Guy #1: Dude, how do you blow smoke rings!
Guy #2 jokingly: It is the same as sucking dick.
Guy #1: Oh, okay! (blows smoke rings effortlessly)
Guy #2: Do you need to tell me something, man?
Hookah Bar
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Categories: BJs | Bars & Clubs | Colorado | Compare and contrast | Guys | Penis | Questions | Sexuality | Smoking | Posted 2009-12-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Beginning to Regret Making Smoke-Signals Our Primary Form Of Communication
Young woman: And if he's still giving you mixed signals, he can just go suck his own dick.
Frustrated friend: That's the point! If he'd give me a clear sign, I'd do it for him!
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Her Boyfriend Is Willing to Stick It in Any Cavity
Girl #1: I had to go to the dentist, and I spent over a million dollars!
Girl #2: Oh my god, what did you have done?
Girl #3: She had a dick removed from her mouth.
Peoria, Illinois
Overheard by: Allison
What Answer Will Keep You from Doing It Now?
Guy: Have you ever seen me suck the tip of my penis?
Jersey City, New Jersey
Categories: BJs | Bringing it back to you | Guys | New Jersey | Penis | Questions | Posted 2009-12-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Who Ever Said Dating Teen Wolf Was Easy?
White girl: Bite his face!
Asian girl: Ew, no! It's all hairy!
White girl: Sometimes you need to do things that you don't like. Like biting a hairy face, for example. Or putting balls in your mouth to get back your Breakfast Club movie...
Asian girl: Oh, you poor thing.
New Jersey
When Did Bennington Drop the Lesbianism Requirement?
Girl: So my jaw hurts really bad, right here. (points)
Boy: Maybe you stop sucking so much dick.
Girl, thinking for a second: Many dicks.
Bennington College
Vermont
Sometimes the Tooth Fairy Makes Extra Special Visits
Boy standing in line for smoothie: That better not be sparkle lips gloss.
Girl standing with him, applying lip gloss: It is, but it has like too many sparkles.
Boy: That's even worse! (pause) My one friend woke up with a ring of sparkles around his... well, you know...
University Fair
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: ashley
Categories: BJs | Canadia | Colleges & Universities | Fashion | Girls | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Penis | Posted 2009-10-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And if You Lick or Blow, God Knows What I'm Capable of
Guy: I suck today.
Girl: Depending on how much you suck, i might suck today too.
Troy, Michigan
Overheard by: pengie
Every Lovemaking Session Is Like One Of the Matrix Movies
Blonde: So if you don't swallow it, where does it go?
Brunette, exasperated: I don't know, I dodge it!
Dorm
Amherst, Massachusetts
Categories: BJs | Bimbettes | Cum | Massachusetts | Questions | Posted 2009-10-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Best. Peer Advisor. Ever.
Curious friend: Doesn't your mouth get tired?
Small Asian girl: That's what my hands are for!
Curious friend: Don't your arms get tired?!
Small Asian girl: That's what my mouth is for!
Curious friend: What do you do when both get tired?
Small Asian girl: Oh, that's when he puts it in my butt.
Hoboken, New Jersey
...Guess I Have to Unbutton My Pants Now, Huh?
Boyfriend: You ask too many questions! For every question you ask, you have to give me a blowjob!
Girlfriend, happily: Okay!
Boyfriend: Damn it!
Jersey City, New Jersey
And She Says Yes
Quirky college student: You know it's love when you ask "please, can I suck your dick?"
Friend: Word.
Willamette University
Salem, Oregon
Categories: BJs | Colleges & Universities | Feelings | Offers and requests | Oregon | Penis | Students | Posted 2009-09-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...I Mean, That Would've Been My Default Assumption...
Woman: I felt so bad. I was like, "it's okay, you can leave your pool cue there, come dance with me."
Friend: And then you left him in the middle of the dance floor.
Woman: I didn't know he was blind!
Friend: So you blew him?
Woman: Did I?
Hot Springs, Idaho
Ummmm....
Teenage girl: Blowjobs are lesbian sex.
Red Bank, New Jersey
Categories: BJs | New Jersey | Sexuality | Teens | Posted 2009-07-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Gonna Ride This Science Project All the Way to Harvard
Enthusiastic teenager, waving hands emphatically: If you can deep throat a banana, you can suck a dick!
Tallahassee, Florida
Overheard by: If you can wax a car...
But It's All About Confidence and Proper Use Of the Tongue
Gender studies professor: Some people are better at oral than others...
College
Los Angeles, California
Categories: BJs | California | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Education | Teachers | Posted 2009-06-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Smurfette: "I Paid a Lot Of Money to Even-out These Puppies."
Blonde girl #1: It's like we've tried countless times to get her to stop, and she just calls us "anorexic whores" and tells us she'd rather be "doming up" guys.
Blonde girl #2, laughing: You need a ruin Smurf plan.
Blonde girl #1: But we've tried everything! It's like "get over yourself! You look like a 1980s cartoon character, with uneven boobs and a crazy tan!"
Toronto
Canadia
Categories: BJs | Body parts | Canadia | Character | Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Offers and requests | Words | Posted 2009-06-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's What We All Want, Jimbo.
Thug to two others, leaving subway: Yo, let's hurry. I want to get good seats so I can suck her daddy's dick.
Government Center
Boston, Massachsetts
Overheard by: Jchill
Categories: BJs | Default | Massachusetts | Offers and requests | Penis | Thugs | Words | Posted 2009-06-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Wouldn't You Much Rather Blow Someone Lemon-Scented?
Drunk man: I may not have a home, but I'm not like homeless homeless...I take showers and usually smell good.
Drunk woman: And what does this have to do with blowjobs?
Pub
Orange County, California
Overheard by: Katie
Categories: BJs | Bars & Clubs | Bathing | California | Compare and contrast | Default | Drunks | Girls | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Questions | Posted 2009-05-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Nobody Can Do Sexual Harassment Like the Insane
Crazy bag lady, loudly: I don't suck dick for pussy! I don't suck dick for pussy! I don't suck dick for pussy!
(sits down next to another passenger on the subway)
Crazy bag lady, now in passenger's face: I don't suck dick for pussy!
(female passenger gets up and moves)
Crazy bag lady: Why you jumping? Why you jumping, bitch!? You weren't jumpin' last night when that guy put his long ass dick in you last night!
Female passenger: Excuse me, ma'am, don't say that to me! You don't know me!
(subway train stops)
Conductor: City Hall station!
Female passenger: Excuse me, sir, there's a crazy lady on the subway harassing the other passengers.
Conductor: Oh, could you point her out to me?
(female passenger points to crazy woman yelling)
Conductor: Ma'am, are you bothering people?
Crazy bag lady: Why you tryin' to fuck me standing up!? Why don't you fuck me lying down like a gentleman!
Conductor: Ma'am, I'm calling the police.
Broad Street Line Subway
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Ass | BJs | Compare and contrast | Crazies | Default | Employees | Insults | Offers and requests | Penis | Pennsylvania | Public Transportation | Public transportation | Questions | Sex | Vagina | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2009-05-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Don't Think About This Too Long, Dear Reader
Loud girl: Would you rather have cheese or oral sex?
Amherst, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Emily
Categories: BJs | Compare and contrast | Default | Food | Girls | Massachusetts | Posted 2009-05-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That Pretty Much Sums Up My Whole Spring Break
College girl: So, I was giving this guy a blowjob and a guy with a water gun walked by...
University of Evansville, Indiana
Imagine That.
Smokin' hot Filipina girlfriend: My friend said that I should use Photoshop and imagination to do this. I have Photoshop, but where can I get imagination? I've never heard of it.
White boyfriend: You're kidding me, right?
Smokin' hot Filipina girlfriend: What?
White boyfriend: There is no software called "imagination." Just use your imagination. Duh!
Smokin' hot Filipina girlfriend: You're so not getting a blowjob tonight.
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: The white boyfriend
Professor Monica Lewinsky Knows Whereof She Speaks
Professor: So, when you walk out of here in four years with a BJ under your belt, you'll be more experienced and know the basics.
Journalism Class
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Wow, This Horoscope Is Dead On!
Girl to friend: You know, you should just stop face-fucking everyone all the time. Then you'd be fine.
Christchurch
New Zealand
Categories: Advice | BJs | Body parts | Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | New Zealand | Posted 2009-03-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Cheney?
Distraught girl on Valentine's Day: I can't get over it, I don't care if it's a new hour. I still have the taste of dick in my mouth!
Las Vegas, Nevada
You Poor, Deprived Creature
College girl #1: Have you ever smelled sweaty balls?
College girl #2 and #3: Oh my god! Yes, we were just talking about this yesterday.
College girl #4: No.
College girl #1: Really? Oh yeah...you don't like giving head.
University of South Florida
It's Like a Headline Writer's Wet Dream
College guy: This must be a joke. We live in a city called "Cumming," we have a store called "BJ's," and a store called "Dick's," and a "Siemens" water tower.
Cumming, Georgia
No Wonder King Cole Isn't a Merry Old Soul Anymore
Preppy college girl to friend: She was the girl who would go down on him while lighting his bowl. She was the perfect girl for him. It's too bad she went crazy, they would have been so happy together!
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: burrhead.
Categories: BJs | Compare and contrast | Default | Friends | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Overheard in Minneapolis | Preppies | Relationships | Weirdness | Posted 2008-12-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Glue, Duh
Girl to guy: What's so safe and innocent about my lips glued to your penis?
Cleveland Heights, Ohio
Overheard by: Spence
What Does Your First Job Feel Like, Alex?
Hipster girl to friend (laughing): I was gagging, and then it was all over my neck.
Queen West
Toronto
Canadia
But Leave Out the Part Where He Blew and Said "Haha, Fooled Ya!"
Gay man: So, did you end up fucking that guy from eHarmony?
Blondie: Sort of. When I was blowing him he told me to stop and I said, "No way, I'm just getting started!" And then he said, "Seriously, stop, I don't want to blow in your face."
Gay man: That's like true love. You should use that story for your eHarmony commercial.
Central Illinois
Sweetie, You Weren't Even Born Then
Loud lady to friends over dinner: So how do you all feel about 69?
Ybor City
Tampa, Florida
Remember, These Are the Guys Who Treat Our Nipples Like Radio Dials
Girl #1: I wonder if there are exercises to strengthen that.
Girl #2: I know. I tried to look into it once because I can't go down that far without gagging. Is that weird? I want skill tips.
Girl #1: I just use my hand a lot so I don't have to skit it down far.
Girl #2: Okay, so I think it's because I started out with not a lot of girth, but now guys are like, "you can squeeze harder." And I'm like, "uuum...are you sure?" I feel like I"m going to break your fucking dick off.
Girl #1: Yeah. It makes it go faster. Dicks are resilient. Get violent.
Madison Children's Museum
Madison, Wisconsin
But, in the End, He Let Us Both Graduate
Hipster girl to guy: I got lucky. All I had to do was make out with him. (motions to other hipster girl standing beside them) She had to suck him off!
Atlanta, Georgia
Categories: BJs | Compare and contrast | Default | Georgia | Girls | Hipsters | K-I-S-S-I-N-G | Posted 2008-10-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Think Your Wife's Getting Tired of Serving Me Tea
Girl on phone: Yes, I know you love me, but I'm not going to keep coming to the house you share with your wife to give you blowjobs whenever you want! (pause) You need to find somewhere else for us to do it.
London
England
Categories: BJs | Default | England | Feelings | Girls | Infidelity | On the phone | Weirdness | Posted 2008-10-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Points for Playing Through the Pain, Though
Girl: The moral of the story is: "Don't give blow jobs with a dislocated jaw!"
Rhodes University
South Africa
Categories: Advice | Africa | BJs | Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Default | Girls | Posted 2008-10-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Other Than Getting Punched, of Course
Chick: Giving a blow job is totally the best lip plumper.
Alameda, California
Categories: Advice | BJs | Beauty | Body parts | California | Chicks | Default | Posted 2008-10-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or, As in This Case, at Least Come Out Even
Girl #1: I'm so high.
Girl #2: Oh, I don't do that anymore, last time I was high I gave a two-hour blow job.
Girl #1: Oh my god, did a little piece of your soul die?
Girl #2 : Not really, Jesus Christ Superstar was on in the background.
Girl #1: Oh, well, musicals make everything better.
Girl #2: Definitely.
York, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Jess
Categories: BJs | Default | Drugs | Girls | Movies | Music | Pennsylvania | Questions | Time Management | Posted 2008-09-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Except for Those Four Times
Hot chick to guy: Dude, I know. You're such a good friend. You put up with my shit, and I'm not even blowing you!
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: BJs | Chicks | Compliments | Default | Feelings | Massachusetts | Posted 2008-08-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Kenny Chesney Never Mentioned That
Hungover chick: It was the first time I ever gave a blow job...on a tractor.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Shotboy
Categories: BJs | Chicks | Default | Kink | Massachusetts | Memory lane | Weirdness | Posted 2008-08-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Guess Which One His Wife Just Tells Him Is a Law
Professor: People break laws all the time, like stop signs and oral sex.
Shout-out: www.overheardatumbc.com
Categories: BJs | Crimes | Default | Overheard at UMBC | Teachers | Posted 2008-08-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Were We Ever?
Female student #1: You sure you want me to feed you this banana?
Female student #2: Get on with it, will you?
Female student #1: This thing's pretty big. I wouldn't want to choke you.
Female student #2: Don't worry about it. I've had much bigger.
Youngish professor: (raises eyebrows)
Female student #2: You think I'm kidding? I've had some pretty big ones. Think you can give me a bigger one?
Youngish professor (blushing): Um, possibly.
Female student #2: Well, I'd like to see that.
Female student #3: Um, are we still talking about bananas here?
Classroom
UCSC, California
Categories: BJs | California | Class | Euphemisms | Fruit | Girls | Students | Teachers | Posted 2008-08-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Probably the Funniest Thing Ever Uttered in a Statistics Class
Indian professor with thick accent: Okay class. If I flip this coin 50 times, what is the probability that I get head?
Dude in the back: Man, I could flip a coin 100 times and I'm still not gettin' head.
(class bursts into hysterical laughter)
Indian professor: What? What did I say?
Statistics Class, George Washington University
Washington, DC
Which Is Why My Boyfriend's Here at the Doctor's
Guy: Do you spit or swallow?
Preppy girl: I don't know. I just chew.
Florida
It'd Be a Match Made in Heaven If She'd Only Stop Stealing My Watch
Girl: Who are you dating now?
Guy: I don't know if you'd call it dating, but I met a stripper that comes over around midnight, gets me high, sucks my dick, we fuck, I fall asleep and when I wake up, she's gone.
Random eavesdropper: Dude, marry that bitch!
Open Bar
San Diego, California
Categories: BJs | California | Default | Drugs | Girls | Guys | Questions | Relationships | Sex | Strangers | Posted 2008-07-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Best. Tutor. Ever
Woman on cell: Okay. Well, do you want the blowjob first or do you want to study first?
Nashville, Tennessee
Categories: BJs | Default | Education | Offers and requests | On the phone | Questions | Tennessee | Wishes | Women | Posted 2008-07-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Next Cosmo Cover Story
Loud girl on cell: You better start showing me some respect before you start licking my friends' clits!
Perkin's
St Cloud, Minnesota
Overheard by: Jesi
From Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Giving Head
Girl #1: Well, you know she gave that guy a blow job when three other people were in the room. Someone was bound to find out.
Girl #2: I've never even done it in front of people.
Girl #1: Me either, I'm not that slutty.
Younger girl with them: Oh, guess just me then?
Girl #1: You gave someone a blowjob with people watching?!
Younger girl: Uh, yeah. Back when I was 15 and drunk.
Girl #1: I'm your aunt: should you really have told me that, McSlutty?
Park
San Diego, California
Categories: Age and ageing | BJs | California | Default | Drinking & drunks | Family | Family ties | Girls | Insults | Memory lane | Names | Weirdness | Posted 2008-07-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's What He Said at the ER
Drunk girl applying lip gloss: I can't believe he broke up with me. I gave him the blow job of his life last night!
Napper Tandy's Bathroom
Raleigh, North Carolina
Categories: BJs | Default | Drunks | Girls | North Carolina | Relationships | Restroom | Posted 2008-06-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Like to Think of My Mouth As a Protective Pouch
30-something guy to friend: Yeah, but you teabagging me does not mean you're concerned about my safety!
Durham, North Carolina
Overheard by: good thing i'd already finished my taco
Categories: BJs | Compare and contrast | Default | Feelings | Guys | North Carolina | Queers | Sexuality | Posted 2008-06-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Good Thing Pluto Didn't Hear That
Chocolate store girl: You're a dicksucker. You know that? I mean, why bother with you? You seen my ass, you know I'm good-looking. You're-.
Guy in Goofy costume, muffled: Whatever. There are other tits. I'll be just fine regardless. And just so you know [lowers voice as kids approach] you're gonna get us both fired if you keep this shit up.
Chocolate store girl, loudly: Fuck you, and fuck your fucking ass! I hope you get fired! Then you can go home and suck your asshole!
Guy in Goofy costume, losing it: Better than sucking your ex's dick when you're supposed to be working.
Chocolate store girl, stunned: Who told you that?!
Guy in Goofy costume: Jen, after I fucked her!
[Girl walks into the shop quickly and goes into back room looking like she's going to cry. Goofy goes back to wandering around aimlessly, waving to little kids.]
Disney World
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: after that, my g/f and i applied for jobs there
Categories: BJs | Couples | Coworkers | Florida | Girls | Guys | Insults | Jobs & Careers | Relationships | Sex | Tourist attractions | Weirdness | Posted 2008-05-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If You'd Like to Know How Sound Carries, Consult the School Nurse
Biology teacher: [badly draws a woman singing into a microphone, which looks suspiciously like a woman about to give head] If you take this, for example...
[class laughs]
Biology teacher: [steps away from board and sees what class is laughing about] Uh...[erases drawing]... We're just not going to draw today.
Connecticut
Categories: BJs | Compare and contrast | Connecticut | Education | Science | Teachers | Posted 2008-05-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Guy: Mind! I Said I Wouldn't Mind!
Drunk girl on cell: What? ... I'm so drunk I can't even hear... I want to do naughty things to you... So, you're saying if I were to lick and suck you, you wouldn't care?
Fiddler's Green
Winter Park, Florida
Overheard by: grossed out because she's not even cute
Categories: BJs | Default | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Florida | Girls | On the phone | Sex | Posted 2008-03-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
From Now On, I'm Smoking with the Other End
Korean queer, smoking: I heard oral sex gives you more throat cancer than cigarettes.
Dida's Bar
Sao Paulo
Brazil
Categories: BJs | Bars & Clubs | Brazil | Compare and contrast | Default | Maladies | Queers | Stupidity | Posted 2008-03-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But We Should Probably Spread That Rumor Just in Case
Skinny white guy: Yep.
Goth girl: No way.
Skinny white guy: Yep.
Goth girl: No way. Too royal.
Skinny white guy: I'm serious.
Goth girl: No way. Princess Di was way too perfect to be giving someone head while they're driving.
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Nick K.
Categories: About celebrities | Australia | BJs | Default | Girls | Gossip | Goths | Guys | Skinny people | Posted 2008-02-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Jesus: How the Fuck Did That Rumor Get Started?
Girl #1: So, what's your idea of the perfect guy?
Girl #2: Oh, I know what she'll say! Jesus.
Girl #3, blushing: She's right.
Girl #1, rolling eyes: Ugh! But you can't go down on Jesus... can you?
Franklin, North Carolina
Overheard by: J-Bake-Oh
All I Asked Was, "Can I Buy You a Drink?"
Latina: So, this one time I was giving this guy a blowjob, but I just ate a tuna fish sandwich like 20 minutes before, and the whole time I'm like, 'Don't shoot that shit in my mouth 'cause I'll puke,' right? Then he totally came in my mouth!
White dude: Haha, nice!
Latina: Naw, man -- it was nasty! I fuckin' puked tuna fish all over this dude's dick and balls. It got all in his pubes and everything!
White dude: Wow.
Latina: But yeah, I give good head.
Buffalo Billiards
Washington, DC
Overheard by: procrastiNate
Categories: BJs | Food | Latinas | Washington, DC | Posted 2008-01-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
... In Church
Guy to pal: Sometimes I wish it were socially acceptable to have another guy suck your dick.
Simpsonville, South Carolina
Categories: BJs | Guys | South Carolina | Posted 2008-01-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Pretty Sure That's the Way to a Man's Heart
Woman #1: So, how's it going with you and Dave?
Woman #2: Good! He told me that he loved me!
Woman #1: Really?
Woman #2: Well, yeah, but I'm not looking too far into it because he said it when I had his entire dick in my mouth.
Tim Horton's
Buffalo, New York
Categories: BJs | Ladies who lunch | New York | Posted 2007-12-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It Is When She's Blowing Me While I Cook
Dish hand: Did you fuck it all up again, chef?
Chef: Sure did.
Dish hand: You do this every fucking shift.
Chef: Yeah, but my wife's hot.
Dish hand: That is not a valid defense!
Adelaide
Australia
PBS Will Try Anything to Get Funding Nowadays
Girl: Think about it -- when a Sesame Street character gives a BJ, not only are you getting oral, but you're getting a hand-job, too.
Millersville, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: David James
Categories: BJs | Chicks | Pennsylvania | Posted 2007-11-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If You Double-Clutch Me, I'll Bite It Off
Girl on cell: Yes, that's exactly how I want to die! You driving us drunk down the highway at a hundred miles per hour while I give you head and you use one hand to play with my tits and the other to shift gears!
University of Delaware
Newark, Delaware
Overheard by: Anne
Categories: BJs | Delaware | On the phone | Posted 2007-11-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Moot Point, As It All Leads to Chlamydia and Death. Got It, Kids?
Health teacher: The four types of sexual activity we're going to cover are vaginal intercourse, anal sex, oral sex, and mutual masturbation.
Eighth grader: Oral sex? Isn't that, like, over the phone?
Pyle Middle School
Bethesda, Maryland
Overheard by: Next year the teacher preempted the question in her lecture
Just Dip It in the Jar, Dude!
Queer: Wouldn't it be great if penises tasted like Nutella?
Fag hag: Unfortunately, oral sex doesn't give you an evolutionary advantage, so we'll probably never evolve that way.
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: premed
How to Never Do It Again. Ever.
Chick #1: So, what was it like? Would you do it again?
Chick #2: Kind of like a hot dog... I was so hungry...
Chick #1: Ewww!
Chick #1: I just wanted to bite down, y'know?
Shout-out: community.livejournal.com
Categories: BJs | Chicks | Overheard at York | Posted 2007-09-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why Rumsfeld Really Left Office
Marine: So, things were going really well until he blew the tranny.
Twentynine Palms, California
Categories: BJs | California | Gossip | Military | Posted 2007-09-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Dude, I Think That Might Be a Sex Crime
Fat guy: So, I was getting head when all of a sudden I got this case of explosive diarrhea! I shitted everywhere, dude!
University of Hartford
West Hartford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Joa
Categories: BJs | Connecticut | Creepsters | Gossip | Poop | Posted 2007-07-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Look, Baby, I'll Give You a Half Point Interest Rate Reduction, and That's My Final Offer
Drunk girl to another: I am going to suck it so good he is going to pay back all my loans!
Bar, Capital Hill
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Katie
Categories: BJs | Bragging | Drunks | Washington, DC | Posted 2007-07-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Way Some Girls Find Four-Leaf Clovers
Drunk chick: So his penis ended up in my mouth. It just happens.
Backroom Tavern
Knoxville, Tennessee
Categories: BJs | Bars & Clubs | Drinking & drunks | North America | Penis | Sex | Tennessee | USA | Posted 2007-06-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But Her Orgasm Faking Is Sub Par
Chick: Is she a good actress?
Dude: Well, she gives good blowjobs.
Café Pequeno
São Paulo
Brazil
The Ultimate "Get Out of Jail Free" Card
Boyfriend: Damn, bitch! Yo' braces just nicked my lip!
Girlfriend: Well, I don't hear you complaining they be nickin' yo' dick when I be suckin' you off!
Boyfriend: Damn, bitch! You is hot!
Shout-out: overheardinphilly.blogspot.com
Overheard by: ouch!
Categories: BJs | Couples | Overheard in Philly | Posted 2007-05-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Blowjob Bunny Makes Her Rounds
Drunk chick: Look, this is going to take five seconds. I just want to say hi, suck him off, and then we can leave.
Shout-out: greenoverheard.blogspot.com
Overheard by:
Categories: BJs | Drunks | So College | Posted 2007-04-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ah, One of Those Parties
Drunk teen: ... Then it just turned into one zombie fellating the other zombie...
Wisconsin
We Replaced Frank's Regular Fellatrix with a Thumb-Sucker. Let's Watch What Happens
Black woman #1: Did you suck your thumb growin' up?
Black woman #2: No, I don't think so.
Black woman #1: I did. Thumb suckers give the best blowjobs, you know.
Black man: Really?
Black woman #1 : Yeah. Once I was at a party with a friend, and we hooked up with a guy. Well... we went off together and had a test, if... you know what I mean... and he said I was the best -- way better than my friend.
Black man: I'd like to try that test.
Mkt Frankford El subway stop
Shout-out: overheardinphilly.blogspot.com
Overheard by: b&n guy
Categories: BJs | Black people | Overheard in Philly | Posted 2007-03-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
