Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | Topics

And He Was All, "But I'm Just the Babysitter!"

Lady to friend: So I told him... ten dollars for a hand job!
Friend: Good for you! What an asshole!

Ashland & North Ave
Chicago, Illinois

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Now I'm Bummed I Didn't Get His Name

Guy #1: Is he good at sex?
Girl: Yeah.
Guy #2: Wow. I'm surprised.
Girl: Honestly, I was too.

San Francisco, California

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Those Were Different Times--There Was a War On

College girl #1: If I'm pregnant, the father is either him or his cousin.
College girl #2: Wait, you slept with David* and his cousin?
College girl #1: It wasn't a big deal, it was a threesome!

Barnes & Noble
Cary, North Carolina

Overheard by: Jennifer

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Just Since the Gangbang

Woman: Wooo! It's wetter than a nymphomaniac in a gangbang out there.
Man: You've been waiting to say that for a long time, haven't you?

Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Just Me

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Not Even Doggy-Style?

Girl: But she said you were cute.
Guy: Yeah but it's like: puppies are cute, but you don't fuck a puppy.

New York City
New York

Overheard by: I'm more of a cat person...

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The Pope: Perhaps I Haven't Been Clear...

Cool college chick to friends: Ya know, birth control is the thing that makes sex okay.

Mexican Restaurant
Virginia

Overheard by: KMCV

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But They Look Fantastic the Whole Time

Professor: The Swedes. They look at the glaciers, go inside, watch a Bergman film, have a heavy drink, then have some sex in the sauna, but ultimately that is unsatisfying, so they kill themselves.

Oberlin, Ohio

Overheard by: Secret Spy

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Was It a Big Bang?

Guy, crying: Ahhh! I just had sex with Stephen Hawking right up here, in my head!

Starbucks
Biloxi, Mississippi

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You Slept with Him in Chinese?

[Chinese girls whispering.]
Girl #1 yells: What?! You slept with him last night and didn't come home until three this morning?!
Girl #2 yells back: In Chinese, stupid!

Bus
Chicago, Illinois

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She'll Get Forgiveness, but Not Permission

Asian girl #1: They're doing it.
Asian girl #2: They're doing it a lot, it's like twice a week!
Asian girl #1: Man, and she wants it, too!
Asian girl #2: She's Catholic.

San Francisco, California

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Freud: I'm Not Even Sure What She Wants

Girl #1: Yeah, that's not cool, but I understand. He sounds very immature.
Girl #2: He is. It's such a shame. I laid in bed last night reminiscing about the time I spent with him in bed. It's like I can still feel it. Too bad he's such an asshole, and too bad that good dick makes me so... not able to accept what a douchebag a guy really is.

Atlanta, Georgia

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No Good Ever Comes of Communication

Wife: Do you like my new hairstyle?
Husband: Yep.
Wife: That's it? Just "yep"?
Husband: Looks very different. It'll be like having sex with another woman.
Wife: Asshole! Should have kept my mouth shut.
Husband: Yep.

Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: Shatmandu

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Our Love Is A Battlefield

Casanova: This is a replica of the helmet I wear when I fuck my wife.

Cincinnati, Ohio

Overheard by: shadow

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Not Without My Fainting Couch and Fan Nearby

Drunk girl: I went to the University of Alabama, so you don't have to tell me about sex.

Sammy's
Raleigh, North Carolina

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Was I Awake?

Tipsy girlfriend, playing "Never Have I Ever": Never have I ever done 69 with anyone.
Boyfriend: Ping.
Girlfriend: What?! Who did you 69?!
Boyfriend: You, fool!
Girlfriend: Oh.

Ohio University
Athens, Ohio

Overheard by: outfirst

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Good Thing Pluto Didn't Hear That

Chocolate store girl: You're a dicksucker. You know that? I mean, why bother with you? You seen my ass, you know I'm good-looking. You're-.
Guy in Goofy costume, muffled: Whatever. There are other tits. I'll be just fine regardless. And just so you know [lowers voice as kids approach] you're gonna get us both fired if you keep this shit up.
Chocolate store girl, loudly: Fuck you, and fuck your fucking ass! I hope you get fired! Then you can go home and suck your asshole!
Guy in Goofy costume, losing it: Better than sucking your ex's dick when you're supposed to be working.
Chocolate store girl, stunned: Who told you that?!
Guy in Goofy costume: Jen, after I fucked her!
[Girl walks into the shop quickly and goes into back room looking like she's going to cry. Goofy goes back to wandering around aimlessly, waving to little kids.]

Disney World
Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: after that, my g/f and i applied for jobs there

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Baby Needs a New Pair of Clear Heels

Hooker: Hey baby, you looking for a good time?
Guy: Haha, hell no.
Hooker: Fine. All right then. Next!

Waikiki, Hawaii

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I Know It's True --I Heard It from a Christian Rapper

Teacher: So when you have sex with someone who isn't a virgin, your spirit is having sex with the spirits of everyone that person had sex with.

Religion Classroom
El Paso, Texas

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So Maybe She Needed Out-of-This-World Sex

Guy on cell: Yeah, I hooked up with her. [pause] I fucked her. She was tight. [pause] She hasn't called me back. I don't get why it's so hard to take five seconds out of your day to see how I'm doing. [pause] She's, like, Asian. Half Asian and half alien.

Barnes & Noble
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Hobo

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To Recap: I Rock, You Suck for Money, I Get Laid for Free

Ex-husband: I can't believe you brought a date to our divorce hearing.
Ex-wife: Fuck you! You hooked up with a girl in court.
Ex-husband: I didn't "hook-up" with her, we made plans for lunch today.
Ex-wife: And that's better?
Ex-husband: Actually, it's quite impressive. I rock, you suck, I'm getting laid tonight.
Ex-wife: I got laid last night.
Ex-husband: That's because you are a dirty hooker.

San Diego Family Court
San Diego, California

Overheard by: Sean

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And I'd Lose the Best Piano Teacher I've Ever Had

Guy #1: I woke up in her bed without any pants.
Guy #2: What happened?
Guy #1: I think we had sex.
Guy #2: You don't know?
Guy #1: I cant exactly remember. Luckily neither can she. She'd kill me if she knew.

Train
Sydney, Australia

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Who Knew a Menorah Could Even Be Used That Way?

Casual guy: It's amazing how chummy they are now.
Guy in suit: Chummy? They're like having weird gay-slash-Jewish sex.

Thornton School of Music, USC
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Yapplebee

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If a Thing's Worth Doing, It's Worth Doing Right

Girl #1: What would you do if you were a lesbian?
Girl #2: [Thoughtful pause] Eat a lot of pussy.

Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: I was there

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The Hamburglar Deserves Everything He Gets

Teenage girl to another: So you can do it! You are going to go there, have sex with him, and I am going to tickle it out of you!

McDonald's
Nashville, Tennessee

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Psh, I'd Be Asking for High Fives

Guy #1: John* really needs to get laid. He hasn't hooked up for months.
Guy #2: Dude, didn't you hear what happened to him?
Guy #1: No.
Guy #2: The last girl he brought home shat in his bed. He's been kind of gun-shy since then.

Charlottesville, Virginia

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Though I'm Still Working on Context

Girl walking with two guys: I'm going to teabag you! ...I'm so glad I know what that means now!

WSU
Pullman, Washington

Overheard by: Rachel

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...Has Been Selected As Our New State Motto

Art professor: Say goodbye to sex and violence and hello to boring allegories.

KSU
Manhattan, Kansas

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Scissors, Ipods, Horses, Pauses...

Dude #1: Hey man, wanna go get some things pregnant?
Dude #2: Um. What? What kind of things?
Dude #1: Just stuff. Whatever we find.

Shout-out: www.overheardatumbc.com

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At Least Take a Bite of This Apple

Boy: I believe in waiting until marriage.
Girl: That's funny, cause I believe in you fucking my brains out.

Bryn Mawr College
Pennsylvania

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As I Have Noticed Your Lack of Training Wheels

Drunk girl in bar to bartender: You should be so lucky as to have sex with me.
Bartender: I wouldn't fuck you for practice.

Richmond, Virginia

Overheard by: warm ups?

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Even We Winced at This One

Man #1: So she looks up at me with this, look, right? And she grips my dick real hard and then gets this terrified look as she picks it off on my pubes...
Man #2: Oh, dude, I'm gonna vomit.
Man #1: It was a fucking dingleberry. And it wasn't mine, dude.

Gym
Oregon

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And You Can Only Show the Video to a Limited Audience

Girl #1: At least he didn't say what JD said to me the other night. He said I was boring in the bedroom because I didn't try new things.
Girl #2: Oh my god!
Girl #1: Yeah and I told him, well how am I supposed to know what to do? I was a virgin before you. Well, not literally a virgin, but close enough!
Girl #2: So what are you going to do?
Girl #1: Well, I told him that when we go on vacation, we can have a threesome. But it has to be someone I'll never see again.

New Brunswick, New Jersey

Overheard by: Slutgers Girl

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Always a Burning Question

Sensitive soul: Why would I fuck you if you have a rash?

Dining Hall, Stony Brook University
Stony Brook, New York

Overheard by: Slightly amused but scared

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But the Make-a-Wish People Laughed at Me

Drunk guy to two girls: No, really! My ultimate fantasy is to have sex with a ridiculously hot girl while you two are on the futon eating cheetos!

Aburn University
Auburn, Alabama

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The Difference between Boys and Girls

Guy to girlfriend: My dick is aching for your vagina.
Girl: I missed you too.

Barista cafe
Mumbai
India

Overheard by: mehr

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He Heimliched Me from Behind and Just Kept Going

Girl in car, while on cell phone: I was coughing because I was eating a cookie while trying to have sex!

Denver, Colorado

Overheard by: Squid

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