Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
God All Categories > Topics > Religion > God
Recent | Best Of
Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Montana But Were Afraid to Ask
Woman to kids, after explaining the basic importance of voting: And remember... We always vote Republican because the Democrats are godless.
Voting Line
Bozeman, Montana
Overheard by: Justin
Mary Magdalen and Jesus Had This Misunderstanding All the Time
Guy to friend: So, when you shouted "god!" you really meant "whore", right?
University of Maryland
Maybe Getting Some Hair Extensions
Elderly lady to another: I wonder what God's doing right now. Probably drunk, celebrating his 400th birthday.
Washingtonville, New York
Overheard by: Trisha
What If It's All True, Though?
Teenage girl: But you don't actually believe god made the world in seven days.
Teenage boy: No.
Teenage girl: And you believe in evolution and the dinosaurs?
Teenage boy: Yes.
Teenage girl: How come?
Teenage boy: Because a world that never had dinosaurs is a world I want no part of.
Adelaide
Australia
Internet Audiences *Loved* Two Girls, One Copy
Teacher: Please staple again. Please, if there is a god, staple again. Do it! Staple! Push it down hard! I want to hear you staple!
Middle School
North Carolina
Categories: God | North Carolina | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Students | Teachers | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2010-06-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Then Why Haven't You Helped Me Win Any Grammys?
Female tween, following older brother swimming in restricted area: Mom, can I swim where Dave* is?
Mom: No! Swim back over to the shore.
Female tween, in nasal whine: Oh. Myyyyy. God!
Mom: Hey, I gave birth to you. I am your god!
Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com
Overheard by: matt.
Categories: God | Moms | Offers and requests | Overheard in PDX | Parenting | Tweens | Posted 2009-12-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or Ham.
Frathole: The thing about being Jewish is that you don't have to believe in god.
UMass
Massachusetts
Overheard by: So proud of my degree
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Frat boy types | God | Massachusetts | Religion | Stupidity | Posted 2009-11-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
All Those Slip-and-Fall Accidents Are Smitings
Religion teacher to class of girls: And remember girls, always wear a bikini in the shower, because god is always watching you.
Dublin
Ireland
Think Of Purgatory As a Drive-Through Soul Wash
Professor: So, basically god has to suppress the gag reflex when he looks at you; but it's okay because he loves you anyway.
University of Akron
Akron, Ohio
Overheard by: Rebecca
...Let Me Hear the Rest Of That
Jailbait to friends: I just hate being handled, you know?
Giggly friend: Ew!
Jailbait: No, I mean, like... (trails off)
Construction worker, softly, to himself: Oh please, god...
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: do not want
If God Were Irish
Teenage girl: Potato chips are like flakes of god's skin.
Rumson, New Jersey
Categories: Body parts | Compare and contrast | Food | God | New Jersey | Teens | Posted 2009-09-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Global Theologicalear Destruction
Friend to another: Then he dropped the f-bomb of god!
Cleveland, Ohio
He'd Only Stop Loving You If I Were a Fetus.
Little girl: And god loves everybody. God even loves you.
Scary little boy: I'm going to kill you.
Little girl: God will love you, even if you do.
Round Rock, Texas
In Hindsight, the Bible Could Have Been a Lot Worse
Young teenage girl with pink furry boots, rainbow hair, and seven facial piercings: Hey, if you were god, what would you do?
Young teenage boy with shaggy hair, acne, and a little boy face: I'd kill my foster parents.
Young teenage girl, totally ignoring her friend's response: I would totally make the world flat, so we could travel just by folding it in half. Imagine how much time and money I would save everyone!
Packed Train during Rush Hour
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Not Even Sofia Bush?
Trolley driver, approaching Bush Street: Anyone for Bush? Then get off! Anyone? Anyone? (no one moves) Thank god!
San Francisco, California
Categories: Conductors | God | Politics | Questions | San Francisco | Posted 2009-06-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Yeah, That "God" Bit Was a Slick Cop-Out
Girl to pregnant friend: You're just like Mary, mother of Jesus...except she knew who the father was.
Toronto
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Compare and contrast | Default | Family ties | Girls | God | Jesus | Posted 2009-05-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Is That What Jesus Would Do?
Catholic school girl #1: (sings "Total Eclipse of the Heart")
Catholic school girl #2: Stop it. I swear to god, I will shank you.
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: Adelaie
From George Washington: The E! True Hollywood Story
Suit #1, very seriously: And she was totally fixated on Martha. So I said to Martha, who swings both ways, you know, I said: "this girl is in serious need of some fanny," but the trouble is, she's found god.
Suit #2: The worst coitus interruptus in the world! That Martha's a complete nutjob, though.
Bookstore
Liverpool
England
...Unless You're Mrs. Claus.
Teenager #1: There's no way for Santa to visit all the houses on earth; that's impossible.
Teenager #2: He doesn't have to visit every house, though. Not everybody celebrates Christmas.
Teenager #1: So? That would be like god saying "Muslims can go fuck themselves, I only watch out for Christians."
Teenager #3: Some people actually do believe that.
Teenager #2: Yeah, I mean, if they don't celebrate Christmas, then...
Teenager #1: You know, at the speed Santa would need to travel to deliver gifts to all those people, his sleigh would literally catch on fire.
Teenager #2: Dude, see, it works like this...
Teenager #1: No, here's how it works: there's no fucking Santa.
Chino, California
Categories: California | Christianity | Default | Gifts | God | Santa Claus | Teens | Posted 2009-04-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Neither Could God
College student: So first my girlfriend and I split, then I got accepted into the frat, and then I found god...I couldn't handle spring break after that weekend.
Georgetown University
Washington, DC
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Education | God | Relationships | Students | Washington, DC | Posted 2009-04-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
My Gospel: In the Beginning Was the Command Line
Male high school student, nonchalantly: I got a new phone; this one can take videos and stuff. It's pretty cool.
School bus driver, in hushed, dramatic tone: Technology is god on earth.
School Bus
Southern California
Categories: Bus | Bus drivers | California | Cell phones | Default | God | Guys | Students | Technology | Posted 2009-04-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Gotta Get Home for Shabbas
Hobo, picking through recycling for cans and bottles: Thank god it's Friday!
Central Square
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | God | Happiness | Hobos | Massachusetts | Posted 2009-03-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Since My First Name Is "Whatta"
Blonde chick to guy friend: Oh my god, so last night the bouncer made me pull out like three pieces of ID because he didn't believe my last name is "Pansy."
Guelph
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: sarah
And Why Do I Continue to Have Unsatisfying Sex with the TA?
Professor: See, humans have what Aristotle calls "rational souls," meaning we use intellect. Humans ask questions that other living things can't, like "what is god? What is the divine problem? Where are my Nunchuks? Where did I leave them?"
Philosophy Class, UC
Santa Barbara, California
Native Americans: Hey!
Random hobo: Curse your pagan gods.
Portland, Oregon
Which Is Also What I Wrote for My Essay About the Statue Of Liberty
High school girl, ranting to friend about biology class: It's *so* annoying...I hate evolution! He goes all into the *designing* of a cell and I'm like "God created it and that's all we need to know." We don't have to go all hi-def into it!
Lancaster Mennonite HIgh School
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
Categories: Default | Girls | God | Gripes | Pennsylvania | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Science | Students | Posted 2009-02-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Your Editors Have a Soft Spot for Girls Who Say "Suitors"
Slutty looking girl: I want to send a bulletin to all my male suitors: "you will not be getting into my pants by texting me and asking me to give you a back massage. The bum who told me god did a beautiful job making my legs this morning had a better chance."
Ogilvie Train Station
Chicago, Illinois
Pythagoras Is a Jealous God, People
Math teacher: If you fuck with numbers, you're fucking with god! And people get killed for that shit!
University of Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Tormented Math Student
Would You Just Rob the Fucking Bank, Already?
Bank teller: (nods)
Customer: People have forgotten how to praise the Lord!
Bank teller: (nods)
Customer: Don't complain that you can't find a job! Praise god that there are jobs!
Bank of America
Palm Harbor, Florida
Overheard by: Serena H.
Categories: Compare and contrast | Customers | Default | Employees | Florida | God | Jobs & Careers | Religious fanatics | Posted 2008-12-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If You're Forging, Try to Spell His Name Correctly This Time
Professor: No, pondering eternal truths is not a good excuse for missing my class...I'd need a signed note from god.
Lycoming College
Williamsport, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: JQ
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Education | God | Offers and requests | Pennsylvania | Philosophy | Teachers | Posted 2008-12-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
In Every Job That Must Be Done, There Is an Element of Fun
Gay male flight attendant: If you'll be requiring wheelchair assistance when we get to Cleveland, please remain seated. Because, if you stand up, we'll assume you've been healed by the Holy Spirit and no longer need our help.
Passengers: (laughter)
Flight attendant: And please keep your seatbelts fastened until we've reached the gate and come to a complete stop.
(man in front row unbuckles his belt)
Flight attendant: Stop it, cheater!
Southwest Airlines Flight
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Erica
Categories: Airports & flights | Default | Flight attendants | God | Offers and requests | Ohio | Public transportation | Queers | Posted 2008-10-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We Don't Quite Get It, But We Like It
Girl standing in front of a pro-life poster: Well, if that's true I owe god a lot of child support.
Colorado
Says the Woman Wearing a Skort?
Little boy in ladies' room stall : You know mom, in Europe all the bathrooms are unisex.
Mom: Probably why it's such a godless country.
JCPenney
Greensboro, North Carolina
Overheard by: diesel
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Geography | God | Kids | Moms | North Carolina | Stores | Posted 2008-08-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Then It Was really Sacrilegious When We Made Out
Teen girl #1: Remember when you were Jesus and I was Satan?
Teen girl #2: Yeah.
Upper Hutt
New Zealand
Overheard by: Schmitty
Categories: Evil | Girls | God | Memory lane | New Zealand | Questions | Teens | Posted 2008-07-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
He Could Use Some Advice
Professor: We think imperfectly. If you think you think perfectly... well, just talk to god.
University of Tulsa, Oklahoma
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Education | God | Oklahoma | Philosophy | Teachers | Posted 2008-07-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Smells Like He Needs a Bath
Teenage girl: God is in every queef.
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Categories: Default | Girls | God | New Mexico | Philosophy | Sex | Posted 2008-07-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The "Eating Fetuses" Comment Kinda Pushed You over the Edge
Guy: I'm pretty positive that on judgment day, god is going to have a live action replay of this conversation and be like: "See... And you were so close!"
University of Kentucky
Lexington, Kentucky
Dude, Just Make an Audio-Visual Geek Your Friend
Music history professor, putting a CD in the player: And now we pray to the god of CDs. It's not good to be a teacher with CDs. They are very stupid things. [Pause.] ...It's not good to be a teacher, perhaps that's what it is.
Peabody Conservatory
Baltimore, Maryland
Hey! I'm Not Dying Yet!
Drunk college student: What's up, man?
Tired-looking bum: Allah! Allah always be up.
Drunk college student: True. True. Holla' at your boy.
Green Line
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: On my way to church
God: Suddenly I'm Getting All the Attention I Deserve
Professor, whispering: What is god doing with female breasts?
Oglethorpe University
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Caylin
So, Why'd God Break Your Hip, Myrtle?
Old lady #1: ... And now he's crippled!
Old lady #2: Well, of course he is. That's what God does to people who get divorced.
Old lady #1: That's true.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Voudou
Categories: God | Maladies | Old folks | Relationships | Wisconsin | Posted 2008-02-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
In That I Know It's True, but I Can't Prove It
Student: Professor Barnes*, can you please explain where you got the last line there?
Professor: [Looks at blackboard, turns back to the class, and clasps his hands] It came from God.
University of Waterloo
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: stopped going to class after this
This Site Thanks God for Crazies
Crazy: ... And we got to thank God! Thank him for the babies, for all our little children...! And we got to thank Him for creating sexual intercourse so we can make those babies! And we got to thank God for French fries!
UC Berkeley
California
Overheard by: Lauren agrees with this Man
Categories: California | Crazies | God | Posted 2007-09-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
What Happens to Unemployed Meteorologists
Hobo, pointing to passerby: God is going to cum all over your face!
Westwood Village
Los Angeles, California
Categories: California | Cum | God | Hobos | Posted 2007-09-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Lex Decides to Shave His Head
Young man, thoughtfully: I think the reason I stopped believing in God was because when I was little I begged... I begged him to give me Superman's powers. And he never did. He never did...
Rocky River, Ohio
Overheard by: Defying Gravity
