Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | Topics

Did the Left One Ever Get Over That Cold?

Mid-twenties guy leaving voice mail: Hey baby, just calling to say hi. How are your boobs?

Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com

Overheard by: brickskeller

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Card: I Miss You, Baby, in My Bed/ I Miss My Liver, 'cause It's Dead

Girl: So I asked him: "When are you going to come back for a reunion? I miss you!" and he was like: "I miss you so much I've had to replace you with alcohol." That's like, the biggest, best compliment ever! They should make a Hallmark card that says that.

West Lafayette, Indianapolis

Overheard by: Kolja

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That's What He Said at the ER

Drunk girl applying lip gloss: I can't believe he broke up with me. I gave him the blow job of his life last night!

Napper Tandy's Bathroom
Raleigh, North Carolina

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Gay People. Is There Any Social Problem They Can't Fix?

Guy: So it's her mom, her mom's boyfriend, and her dad?
Girl: Yeah. It would be so awkward if her dad wasn't gay.

Corpus Christi, Texas

Overheard by: it already is.

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Oh, and Death. And Taxes

20-something #1: Yeah, see, that's our problem: These girls are pushing 30 and their biological clocks are going off and all that.
20-something #2: Well, that wasn't my problem before, she was 23 when I started dating her.
20-something #1 (thoughtfully): Yeah... that's our other problem: time.

Airplane between Detroit and Las Vegas

Overheard by: ncs

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She'll Be All, "Help Me, Dr. Phil"!

Guy #1: I love getting Lisa* Taco Bell.
Guy #2: Why's that?
Guy #1: It's gonna get her fat! I'm going to get extra sour cream and she's going to be all like: "Damn, this is delicious!" Meanwhile, she'll be getting fat.

Kangaroo
Gainesville, Florida

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"Sister"? Really?

Woman on cell: That poor baby-mama! Or, shall I say: "wife".

Cambridge, Massachusetts

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I'm Considering Reaching Out to Her With a Fifty Caliber Rifle

Man #1: How's your wife?
Man #2: How should I know?
Man #1: What do you mean: "How should I know?"? She's your wife! Don't you talk to her?
Man #2: Not since she got the restraining order on me.

Huxley, Iowa

Overheard by: Hondo

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Oh, I'm Sorry--Aren't You a Size Queen?

Tall guy: My girlfriend's ex-boyfriend had an eight inch penis.
Younger friend girl: What!? Why would she tell you that?!
Tall guy: I guess she just thought I should know.
Younger friend girl: No, here's a better question. Why would you tell me that!?

Chick-fil-A
Houston, Texas

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The Slippery Slope Leading to Marriage and Children

40-something woman on phone: Was that the time when we made cone bras or the time when we shaved our legs with a nail file?

Toronto
Ontario
Canadia

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Their Relationship's in the Crapper

Exasperated woman: I just called to say "I love you" while I had a moment to myself, okay?! Jeez! [Flushes.]

Women's Bathroom, Bay Park Square Mall
Green Bay, Wisconsin

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Most of Life's Problems Can Be Solved with a Pair of Tweezers and a Bottle of Wine

Emo guy to friends: He loves me. He wants my children. He says to me: "Andrew, let me have sex with you so I can have your children." I would do it if I didn't have hairy nipples.

Library
Plano, Texas

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That's How in Love with His Mom He Is

Guy to friends: No, I mean he's really in love with her, like reeeeally in love. He left his trailer, and moved in with his parents.

Buffalo Wild Wings
Winchester, Virginia

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Does...Not...Compute...

Chick #1: She doesn't even *want* to get married!
Chick #2: And she's not a ho?

Starbucks, Pacific Center
Daly City, California

Overheard by: Ladle

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She'll Get Forgiveness, but Not Permission

Asian girl #1: They're doing it.
Asian girl #2: They're doing it a lot, it's like twice a week!
Asian girl #1: Man, and she wants it, too!
Asian girl #2: She's Catholic.

San Francisco, California

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How My Mom Forces Me to Interact with Attractive Men

Girl #1: I thought you were clumsy because you had fallen in love.
Girl #2: I was clumsy because somebody pushed me.

New Jersey

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Since It Conflicted with Their Weekly Swingers' Parties

Soccer mom #1: Is Cindy* coming?
Soccer mom #2: No, she broke up with Steve* today.
Soccer mom #1: She broke up with Steve*? Why?
Soccer mom #2: She called him and told him she wanted to play mixed doubles tennis, and he just lost it.

LA Fitness Locker Room
Buford, Georgia

Overheard by: trying not to laugh

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"You're the Meanest Babysitter Ever!" She Screamed

Suit on cell: Yeah, well, we got into a fight about whether she would rather have a regenerating salami foot, or a regenerating cheese hand. She chose cheese hand, but I explained about the salami foot being protected by socks, while the cheese hand is exposed to everything. The conversation just went downhill from there...

Bellevue, Washington

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Freud: I'm Not Even Sure What She Wants

Girl #1: Yeah, that's not cool, but I understand. He sounds very immature.
Girl #2: He is. It's such a shame. I laid in bed last night reminiscing about the time I spent with him in bed. It's like I can still feel it. Too bad he's such an asshole, and too bad that good dick makes me so... not able to accept what a douchebag a guy really is.

Atlanta, Georgia

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A Family Tradition I've Been Staunch about Continuing

Drunk woman: ... And that's how my parents hooked up! My dad was a drunk dialer!

Outside George's
Waco, Texas

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Just the Guy We've Been Looking For!

Scientologist: Excuse me, sir. Would you like a free personality test from the Church of Scientology?
Suit: I don't need one. My wife says I'm an asshole.

Outside Church of Scientology, Yonge Street
Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: lauren mcgoldrick

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So Thanks for Letting Me Into Yale

Hipster guy: Yeah, it probably didn't help that I gave you poison ivy and then threw up on you.

Bar
Columbia, Missouri

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No Good Ever Comes of Communication

Wife: Do you like my new hairstyle?
Husband: Yep.
Wife: That's it? Just "yep"?
Husband: Looks very different. It'll be like having sex with another woman.
Wife: Asshole! Should have kept my mouth shut.
Husband: Yep.

Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: Shatmandu

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You Never Did That When We Were Together, Either

Young guy on cell: You got a bikini wax?... Really?... How come you never did that when we were together?... Oh, so you're a woman now?

7-Eleven
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia

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Our Love Is A Battlefield

Casanova: This is a replica of the helmet I wear when I fuck my wife.

Cincinnati, Ohio

Overheard by: shadow

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Was I Awake?

Tipsy girlfriend, playing "Never Have I Ever": Never have I ever done 69 with anyone.
Boyfriend: Ping.
Girlfriend: What?! Who did you 69?!
Boyfriend: You, fool!
Girlfriend: Oh.

Ohio University
Athens, Ohio

Overheard by: outfirst

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Good Thing Pluto Didn't Hear That

Chocolate store girl: You're a dicksucker. You know that? I mean, why bother with you? You seen my ass, you know I'm good-looking. You're-.
Guy in Goofy costume, muffled: Whatever. There are other tits. I'll be just fine regardless. And just so you know [lowers voice as kids approach] you're gonna get us both fired if you keep this shit up.
Chocolate store girl, loudly: Fuck you, and fuck your fucking ass! I hope you get fired! Then you can go home and suck your asshole!
Guy in Goofy costume, losing it: Better than sucking your ex's dick when you're supposed to be working.
Chocolate store girl, stunned: Who told you that?!
Guy in Goofy costume: Jen, after I fucked her!
[Girl walks into the shop quickly and goes into back room looking like she's going to cry. Goofy goes back to wandering around aimlessly, waving to little kids.]

Disney World
Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: after that, my g/f and i applied for jobs there

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You Have to Earn the Right to Stay in Paradise, Pal

Guido: Dude, I think your girlfriend is going to dump you. You fell off your chair inside and you punched me in the ribs twice when I got up to go to the bathroom.
Drunk Guido: No, she can't dump me. She lets me put it in her ass!

Outside Restuarant
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Lauren

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Do I Need to Show You the Algorithm Again?

Guy: I would ask her out, but she's just so dumb. I mean, like, soo dumb.
Girl: Can't you just overlook that for one night?
Guy: She's not quite cute enough.

San Jose, California

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How Jessie Got Us Arrested

[Three intoxicated college girls are walking along the street. One trips, falls, and all three laugh hysterically. An unmarked police van passes by]
Cop, yelling out of the window: Looks like three underage drinking tickets right there!
Girl #1: We're all 21!
Cop: Well, it looks like you're 4!
Girl #2: Looks like you're 37 and looking for a boyfriend!

Madison, Wisconsin

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...Whom I'd Started Dating in Geometry

Boy #1, talking to friend in between classes: Hey what did you do in English?
Boy #2: Oh... I broke up with Jessica*.

Berryhill High School
Oklahoma

Overheard by: BlakeMas

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Do You Mean It, or Are You Just Using Her for Sex?

Girl on cell: I said "I love you" like three years ago. Why? When was the last time you said it?
[pause]
Girl on cell, shocked: Ew! To who, you whorebag?!
[pause]
Girl on cell, incredulous: You say "I love you" to your mom?

200 Bus
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: likewhoa

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To Recap: I Rock, You Suck for Money, I Get Laid for Free

Ex-husband: I can't believe you brought a date to our divorce hearing.
Ex-wife: Fuck you! You hooked up with a girl in court.
Ex-husband: I didn't "hook-up" with her, we made plans for lunch today.
Ex-wife: And that's better?
Ex-husband: Actually, it's quite impressive. I rock, you suck, I'm getting laid tonight.
Ex-wife: I got laid last night.
Ex-husband: That's because you are a dirty hooker.

San Diego Family Court
San Diego, California

Overheard by: Sean

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Yeah, Indirectly

Girl: No, isn't Macbeth the one where she gets her husband to kill Macbeth?

Shout-out: community.livejournal.com

Overheard by: Stu

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It's Not Technically a Violation of the Restraining Order If She Boards the Plane

Pilot: Before we start our ascent, an important question: Anyone here from the North Allegheny high school class of '68? [silence] I always ask. I'm hoping at some point I'll find my old girlfriend.

JetBlue flight
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Ladle

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Still, It's a Violation of the Standard Creepiness Rule for Dating Age Differences

20-something #1: Your boyfriend is 61, right?
20-something #2: My boyfriend is 60. Our father is 61.

Colorado

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Just Don't Begin the Conversations with "I'm Naked and Wet"

Woman on cell: I just asked how's he doing and he actually told me that he's getting hard just talking to me. [Pause.] Well, what do you think I would say? "Oh ,that's nice"!? Hell no! I said: "Oh crap! Sorry, I have another call, gotta go". Yeah, that was definitely odd. Remind me never to be nice and try calling my exes again.

Florida

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