Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | Topics

If He Dies, They'll Probably Let You Cut All the Lines

Eight-year-old kid in line for Universal Studios park ticket: I know how to get a discount ticket.
Eight-year-old friend: How?
Eight-year-old kid: You get your friend to come along with you, then you stab him in the neck and say "My friend's dying, can we have discount tickets?"

Universal Studios
Los Angeles, California

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And He Was All, "But I'm Just the Babysitter!"

Lady to friend: So I told him... ten dollars for a hand job!
Friend: Good for you! What an asshole!

Ashland & North Ave
Chicago, Illinois

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Did We Suddenly Become That Poor?

Mom: You wanna sleep in the bed with dad?
13-year-old boy: Why the hell would I do that? I'm 5'6"! That's gay!

Baldwin Park, Florida

Overheard by: hmm... point taken.

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Joke's on You-- It Was Jesus Dressed As Santa!

Nanny (in thick Irish accent): Get over here right now!
(little girl does not move)
Nanny: Jesus sees you!
(little girl still not moving)
Nanny: Santa sees you, and you'll get nothing!
(little girl runs to nanny)

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Charles

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And It's Important to Know About Paula Abdul's Career Trajectory

Student: If none of this is going to be on the exam, why are we devoting a class to it?
Professor: Because I find it interesting, and you have to listen to me.

Carleton University
Ottawa
Canadia

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She Does a Lovely Rendition of "Plaque in the USSR"

American woman on cell: So when you go to Moscow, can you bring me back some toothpaste? Yeah, just Crest. Thanks.

13th St
Washington, DC

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That's Just Because You Didn't Understand What 'Phone Sex' Meant

Guy: Just trust me on this one and go along with it one more time.
Girl: I did that last time and ended up with random things up my ass.

Stoneham, Massachusetts

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But I'll Be Playing Magic the Gathering in Here

Girl, entering bathroom stall: Please don't judge me!

Hartford, Connecticut

Overheard by: Claire

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The FDA Has Less Influence Every Year

Woman: Do you have mothballs?
CVS employee: (after thinking for a few seconds) Is that a protein bar?

Washington, DC

Overheard by: Nana

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English Conversation Is Fun

Attractive 30-year-old blond European woman: You can say it, say it, sayyyyyy it!
50-year-old well dressed Japanese man: Penis... penis... penis...

Ginza
Tokyo
Japan

Overheard by: Brian Milvid

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She'll Be All, "Help Me, Dr. Phil"!

Guy #1: I love getting Lisa* Taco Bell.
Guy #2: Why's that?
Guy #1: It's gonna get her fat! I'm going to get extra sour cream and she's going to be all like: "Damn, this is delicious!" Meanwhile, she'll be getting fat.

Kangaroo
Gainesville, Florida

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And This Time Don't Roll on Me Just Because They Offer You Cookies and Juice

Little boy: You used to have a pocket knife, mommy!
Mother, laughing nervously: No, I didn't!
Little boy: Yes you did! You used to!
Nervous mother: No, I never did! I never had a pocket knife! Please don't tell the police that!

YMCA
Hollywood, California

Overheard by: Muffin

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Or Do I Have to Play That Bobby McFerrin Song Again?

Mother to quietly weeping child: Can't you just... be happy?

Target Parking Lot
Cumming, Georgia

Overheard by: Caylin

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Anybody Have Any Bread?

(student coughs violently into hands, spewing fake blood)
Lit professor: Oh my god! Are you okay?
Student: (coughing up more blood) Can I go to the bathroom?
Lit professor: Oh my god, go, go!
(student leaves)
Lit professor: (realizing it's April 1st) Haha... His consumption smells like raspberries.

Colorado University, Boulder

Overheard by: In the back of the classroom

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Wasn't I Right About 2000-- and 2001?

Goth chick: Don't talk to me about the year 2012. The year 2012 is seriously pissing me off.
Otaku chick: Try to stick around for 2013 anyway. Just trust me on this one.

University Plaza
Colorado State

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Nietzsche Was a Shitty Roommate

Boy housemate #1: Ah! I feel so sick, my tummy hurts.
Girl housemate #1: Do you want some soup?
Girl housemate #2: Do you want some toast?
Boy housemate #2: Do you want some "harden-the-fuck-up"?

Gold Coast
Australia

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Never Before Has a Yeast Infection Been So Delicious

Female sexual predator: I have a cookie jar in my pants and the lid is always open!

Shout-out: www.overheardatmcgill.com

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Is the Range of Gay Sex Really That Limited?

Straight guy: I really need your advice about this girl.
Gay guy: Stick it in her butt!
Straight guy: No. Her mom set us up on this date...
Gay guy: Stick it in her butt!
Straight guy: You just suggested that. I mean, I like her but I definitely don't want to date her, and we're supposed to hang out this weekend, but I don't know what to do with her.
Gay guy: Well, just be like: "Hey, do you want to toss a Frisbee in the arboretum?"
Straight guy: And if she says yes, be like: "Okay, do you want to toss my salad in the arboretum?"
Gay guy: Awesome.

Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: $kank

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I Have... a Drinking Problem

Obscenely tall man: I'm sorry. This is really random, but I was just drinking a milkshake. And... I think I spilled some on my head. Can you check it out for me?

University of Mary Washington
Fredericksburg, Virginia

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Instead of Prison, Convicts Should Be Sentenced to Host Slumber Parties

Group of little girls to window poster: Hannah Montana! Hannah Montana! Hannah Montana!
Exasperated father: Don't kiss that!

Mall
San Diego, California

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Humorless Girl Was the Most Depressing Of the X-Men

Victoria's Secret salesgirl to couple: Our bras are 15% off today.
Male: I prefer it when your bras are 100% off.
Victoria's Secret salesgirl: [With a blank look on her face.] That wouldn't make sense. Then they would be free.

Depford Mall
Depford, New Jersey

Overheard by: Philly Joe

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I Suppose I Could Have One of My Concubines Answer Them, Though

Student: Professor, will you be able to answer e-mails while you are away, since our final is in a week?
Uncomfortable Japanese professor with strange British/Japanese accent: No, I will not be able to answer students' e-mails because most of the time I come home I am drunk.
Students: [Incredulous silence. Laughter.]

Philosophy class
McGill University
Canadia

Overheard by: student who hated this prof until this comment...

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And Their Latter-Day Stains

Woman: Shhhh, people are sleeping. Not everybody wants to hear about Mormon underpants.

Illinois

Overheard by: Claire

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You Slept with Him in Chinese?

[Chinese girls whispering.]
Girl #1 yells: What?! You slept with him last night and didn't come home until three this morning?!
Girl #2 yells back: In Chinese, stupid!

Bus
Chicago, Illinois

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Everyone's a Beautiful Woman After 12 Tequila Shots

Drunk guy on cell: Dad, I can't talk right now, I'm surrounded by FBI agents, but I've got your $100, your beer, and your marijuana. Oh, and your toilet paper. [Pause.] No, dad, FBI agents. [Pause.] I don't know, they're all beautiful women.

B Line
Boston, Massachusetts

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I Told You When God Closes a Door, He Opens a Window

Father: So, any luck with finding a jacket?
Teenage daughter: No, but somebody tried to sell me drugs.
Father: Well, that's something.

Victoria Market
Melbourne
Australia

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How Can You Be Anal Enough to Label Your Speedos but Still Lose Them?

Voice over loudspeaker: Attention members. Will Arthur Sarksian come to the front desk? We found your Speedos.

24 Hour Fitness
Glendale, California

Overheard by: James Jameson

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The Environment Thanks You, Citizen!

Woman browsing through dildos at a sex shop: Do you have any of these that plug in? I run through batteries too fast.

Toledo, Ohio

Overheard by: Cap

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Would You Mind Taking a Picture Of Us With It?

[A young woman in a wetsuit and a young man in normal clothing are standing near the packaged meats.]
Female employee: Can I help you with anything?
Young woman: Oh, no thanks, we're just admiring the bacon.
Female employee: Oh. Okay! Have a nice day!

Vons
Ventura, California

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Just the Guy We've Been Looking For!

Scientologist: Excuse me, sir. Would you like a free personality test from the Church of Scientology?
Suit: I don't need one. My wife says I'm an asshole.

Outside Church of Scientology, Yonge Street
Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: lauren mcgoldrick

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Graduation Is Such a Sausagefest

Guy to friend, matter-of-factly: You know he's just teaching there for the kielbasa.

Macalester College
St. Paul, Minnesota

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Delta Burke Saw His Point

Bum women: Do you have bus fare? I need bus fare.
Woman: Sorry, I don't have any change.
Bum: Well, fuck you, you fat, scheming, cheap bitches!

Main Street
Hartford, Connecticut

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Then Why Are My Hands Silver After Touching It?

Tourist: Is it solid silver?
Salesman: Let me show you. First, do you know how to tell the difference between solid silver and silver plate?
Tourist: No.
Salesman: This is solid silver.

Dodgy Souvenir Shop
Egypt

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I'll Let You Use It for Special Effects in the School Play

Chick on cell: Hey! I had a miscarriage! Wanna hang out?

High School Classroom
Englewood, Colorado

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Low-Maintenance People Live Longer, Anyway

Little old lady: I'm not a Pina Colada type. Give me a Coors Light and a nice doobie and I'm good.

Women's Gym
Studio City, California

Overheard by: urzzz

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A Metaphor for Their Entire Life

Jock #1: Yo, dude, so you know how to get there?
Jock #2: Naw, man.
Jock #1: You don't know how to get there?
Jock #2: Where?

Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York

Overheard by: Nik

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Like an Open Spirit and Three Hits of Acid

Teacher: What you get from Beatlerama depends on what you bring to it.

Science class
Richmond, Virginia

Overheard by: mollydear

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