Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | Topics

If He Dies, They'll Probably Let You Cut All the Lines

Eight-year-old kid in line for Universal Studios park ticket: I know how to get a discount ticket.
Eight-year-old friend: How?
Eight-year-old kid: You get your friend to come along with you, then you stab him in the neck and say "My friend's dying, can we have discount tickets?"

Universal Studios
Los Angeles, California

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And He Was All, "But I'm Just the Babysitter!"

Lady to friend: So I told him... ten dollars for a hand job!
Friend: Good for you! What an asshole!

Ashland & North Ave
Chicago, Illinois

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If I Don't, May God Have Mercy on Your Souls

(the road is closed for Chinese New Year parade)
Bus driver: Folks, we'll be alright. We're going to take a right on Sansome, a left on Broadway, and a left on Stockton. We'll rejoin the original route at Stockton and Sacramento. Don't worry. Everything will be alright. As long as I still get paid, it's okay.

San Francisco, California

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So If Anyone Requires a Strip-o-Gram...

Law professor: I don't get paid very well at this job. And I need beer money.

SFSU
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: RL

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I Guess That's What They Want. What They Really, Really Want

Random guy, outside bank: I don't get it! It's like they're spending their money on Spice Girls tickets instead of drugs!

Ann Arbor, Michigan

Overheard by: irina

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...A Metaphor I Would Know Nothing About

Professor: The Government was spending money like a drunken sailor in a Tijuana whorehouse.

Macroeconomics Class
University of California

Overheard by: Econometrically Bored

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Only with Two More X's

Little girl: Mom, what's a prostitute?
Mother, nervous: Uh, a woman who does extreme cuddling for money.
Little girl: Extreme cuddling X Games?!

Denver, Colorado

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Humorless Girl Was the Most Depressing Of the X-Men

Victoria's Secret salesgirl to couple: Our bras are 15% off today.
Male: I prefer it when your bras are 100% off.
Victoria's Secret salesgirl: [With a blank look on her face.] That wouldn't make sense. Then they would be free.

Depford Mall
Depford, New Jersey

Overheard by: Philly Joe

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Everyone's a Beautiful Woman After 12 Tequila Shots

Drunk guy on cell: Dad, I can't talk right now, I'm surrounded by FBI agents, but I've got your $100, your beer, and your marijuana. Oh, and your toilet paper. [Pause.] No, dad, FBI agents. [Pause.] I don't know, they're all beautiful women.

B Line
Boston, Massachusetts

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Delta Burke Saw His Point

Bum women: Do you have bus fare? I need bus fare.
Woman: Sorry, I don't have any change.
Bum: Well, fuck you, you fat, scheming, cheap bitches!

Main Street
Hartford, Connecticut

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Something Just Expanded --Possibly My Awareness

Barista guy, gesturing toward mug of Sharpies: Are you aware that these markers cost ninety-nine cents each?
Barista chick: Are you aware that I want to get my nipples pierced?

Starbuck's, Castro Street
Mountain View, California

Overheard by: touché

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The Last Time I'll Put My Money Where My Mouth Is

Man coming out of strip club: My mouth still tastes like dollars.

New Orleans, Louisiana

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I'm Just a Toxic Spill Waiting to Happen

Goth girl, to friend looking at military jackets: You can get those a lot cheaper at goodwill, dude.
Overweight friend: Not in my size! When fat people die, they leak, and then their clothes can't be given to goodwill!

Starfest Sci-Fi Convention
Denver, Colorado

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Conversion in Progress --Please Stand Back

Guy: My cousin got me this Jesus bracelet in like Cuba or something. It was only a dollar!
Jewish girl: Jesus shouldn't have a price!

Montclair State University
New Jersey

Overheard by: oh, jesus

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Why Viagra Is So Popular

Woman: Wood is like money to old people.

Maryland Farms
Brentwood, Tennessee

Overheard by: FACT.

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God, I Miss College

College girl: Remember that girl who admitted to stealing my clothes from the laundry room?
Friend: Yeah?
College girl: Well, she finally gave me my clothes back at the end of the semester before she mysteriously disappeared. I was like going through them and I found not just my clothes, but like other people's clothes too. Not just girls either. I found tighty-whities and shit. But the weirdest part was at the bottom of the basket. There was a plastic bag of jewelry ranging from like cheapo rhinestone shit to like semiprecious stones, a tv remote with no batteries, a crazy-straw, some masking tape, an empty lipstick tube thing, and a handful of Canadian money.

Newark, New Jersey

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But I Told You Not to Call Me at Work, Grandma

Salesclerk: Your total is $1.81. [Into her cellphone.] Don't worry, girl, I am listening to yo' hideous self!

Lawrence, Kansas

Overheard by: kerblammerz

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Count Us in for Twenty Bucks

Dude: I'd let a horse rope me in the ass if the money was right.

Dearborn, Michigan

Overheard by: Stunned Brother

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Does That Ever Work on Black People?

Leathery hobo to passing students: One of you white-ass, livin'-inside motherfuckers owes me a dollar!

Austin, Texas

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Cards Forgotten, She Now Licks Herself Like a Cat

Girl: So, my roommate's mom still lets her use her credit card, which is crazy! I mean, we're like 24, and I've had my own credit card since forever... But anyways, I guess my roommate had a huge bill last month, and her mom got all upset and called her and said, 'Maybe you should soak the credit cards and put them in the freezer, so when you get the impulse to use them they'll be frozen.' So now we have, like, three credit cards in a tub in our freezer.

Brown Line El
Chicago, Illinois

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At the Sexual Deviants' Auction

Ballet girl: Do you know how much our feet are worth?!

West Leederville Train Station
Perth
Western Australia

Overheard by: Rose

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We Were Supposed to Do That Together

Teen hipster on cell: Mom... Mom! I still have the 10 bucks. I did not spend it on drugs... I did not spend it on drugs!

Capitol Hill
Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: mightbekatrina

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I Mean, Just Look at Those Raggedy-Ass Sneakers

Black kindergartener to white teacher: You know, before you were my teacher, I didn't know white people could be poor.

Atlanta, Georgia

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But All You Have Are Seven Cats and a Yarn Collection!

Grandmother: I had to write you out of my will.
10-year-old grandson: What? Why?
Grandmother: You never called. I can't give you money and things if you never call.
10-year-old grandson: But I love you.
Grandmother: You can't just say it! You have to mean it and show it! I'm keeping you out of the will!

Target
Atlanta, Georgia

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God, I Love Babysitting

High school kid: ... And then he started eating a ten dollar bill, so I beat him with a pool cue 'til he dropped it.

Alberta
Canadia

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And Once Money's Been Spunt, No One Else Will Touch It

Man: You spunt all our money!
Woman: Fuck you! You spunt the money -- that's who spunt the money!

Wal-Mart
Wichita, Kansas

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There's None of That Coming Out of My Penis, Though

Dude: I want to give you a baby.
Chick: I don't want a baby, I just want rent.

Bayswater
Australia

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Ask for $100, Settle for $5

Hoochie: If I could get a hundred bucks just for showing my titties on Jerry Springer, I'd so do it.

Chicago, Illinois

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I Guess She Was Kind of Model-Ugly

20-ish girl: I mean, I thought he was rich, but his sister's kind of ugly, so I dunno...

San Francisco, California

Overheard by: Idle

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He's a Hard Worker, and You Don't Have to Pay Him Scale

Leather-clad guy to another: I'll lend you my iguana. It'll save you money.

Sheffield
England

Overheard by: chris

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One Little Stab Wound and You Pussy Out?

Dude to buddies: You're going to spend our hooker money on a cab?

Shout-out: www.overheardinvancouver.ca

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