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Just As Long As I Get the Obligatory Milkbone
Girl: Well, the sad thing is I'm gonna have to treat you like Morgan when she doesn't want to take her ear infection pills.
Smith College
Northampton, Massachusetts
Categories: Girls | Health & Hygiene | Maladies | Massachusetts | Threats | Weirdness | Posted 2011-08-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Acute Infection's Not All That Cute
Drunk gay guy in pub garden, at top of voice: So I got hepatitis c when I was fisting this guy... There was blood everywhere.
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Well It Works in Her Favor!
Girl: I'm hanging out with Claire today, that's why I can't stay later.
Guy: Is Claire the one with the awesome accent?
Girl: She has a speech impediment.
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Leonard
Categories: Girls | Guys | Language barrier | Maladies | Questions | Relationships | Washington | Posted 2011-06-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Eh, Suze Orman's Just a Little Quirky.
Middle-aged suit on cell: Yeah... Well, I don't know. (pause) Doesn't she have Alzheimer's? (pause) I don't care if she's your mother. (pause) Yeah, well, maybe she shouldn't be trading your stocks, then.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: mo
Categories: Family ties | Maladies | New York | On the phone | Questions | Suits | Posted 2011-06-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'd Try Men If I Could Find One to Clean Up After Me
Man #1: How you been?
Man #2: Pretty good.
Man #1: How's your wife?
Man #2: Aggravating.
Church
Thibodaux, Louisiana
Categories: Family ties | Guys | Louisiana | Maladies | Questions | Posted 2011-05-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
As My Mom Used to Say to Us When We Were Little Kids
Boy #1: Why do you have all your stuff with you?
Boy #2, carrying oversized bag of athletic equipment: I have class at 3:50, then I have to ride straight over to practice.
Boy #1: Oh, that sucks.
Boy #2: Well, it could be worse. I could have syphilis.
Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com
Overheard by: lilly
Categories: Guys | Maladies | Overheard in PDX | Questions | Time Management | Posted 2011-05-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Which He Clearly Doesn't Have.
Girl #1: Jimmy Kimmel has narcolepsy.
Boy: Is that the one where you read from right to left?
Girl #2: No, that's Hebrew.
Loyola University
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Kate
Lucky!
Girl #1: Hey, are you going to use the bathroom?
Girl #2: Oh, no... I have a urinary tract infection, so I can't pee.
Loyola University
Chicago, Illinois
...In the Same Way My Slashing You with This Register Key Would Be Interesting.
Cashier: Sir, would you like to donate that one cent to breast cancer research?
Man: No... I actually think cancer is a great way of controlling population.
Cashier, frowning at him: That's interesting.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: anastasia
Categories: Employees | Maladies | Oregon | Philosophy | Questions | Posted 2011-05-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Original Miracle Worker Screenplay Was Less Than Inspiring.
Male teacher talking about student: Yeah, that ear infection made her go deaf. She wears one of those things in her head. The implant.
Meanest lady ever: Her life is over. You can't be deaf and ugly. That is too many things.
Male teacher: She's five!
Meanest lady ever: By six she'll barely be a person.
Fairfield, Connecticut
Categories: Age and ageing | Beauty | Connecticut | Gossip | Maladies | Teachers | Posted 2011-05-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
She Always Comes Up with the Best Gifts for an Old Fart.
Woman: My mom was in the hospital with brain cancer. Then my cousin showed up, and I asked her if she wanted to, you know, go to a craft store and get something for mom. Well, on the walk over, she... (makes farting noises). So you can imagine how upset I was.
YMCA
Beloit, Wisconsin
Categories: Death & dying | Family ties | Maladies | Offers and requests | Wisconsin | Women | Posted 2011-03-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Kathy Griffin Loves Disneyland
Teen to another: I got so excited, I have wet butt syndrome!
Disneyland
Anaheim, California
Overheard by: Kristen
Categories: Ass | California | Maladies | Sensory experiences | Teens | Posted 2011-02-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Still Hate to Buy Her a Two-Year Planner, Though
Guy on one side of the store: So how's your friend who has cancer?
Woman in queue, thirty feet away: Oh, she's getting better!
Guy: Really?
Woman: Yeah, they put her on this herbal diet and now she's getting better.
Guy: Wow.
Woman: Yeah, it's amazing.
Guy: So what sort of cancer is it?
Woman: I'm not sure...
Guy: Is it terminus cancer?
Woman: Yeah, I think that's it.
Guy: Terminus cancer, yeah?
Woman: Yeah, yeah, but she's getting better.
London
England
Overheard by: Irongate
...But Congratulations!
Woman: I guess it depends on the kind of tumor. A baby's kind of like a tumor, drains your body of all nutrients. It's like having an alien parasite.
UW Rock County
Janesville, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Akuaku
Categories: Body parts | Maladies | Offspring | Wisconsin | Women | Posted 2011-01-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Nothing's Sweeter Than Frozen Semen
Old broad #1: Well, you heard that they froze his semen, right?
Old broad #2, gasping: Really?
Old broad #1: Of course! I mean, Susan* would love to have more children with Thomas*, you know, but on account of the cancer, it just makes things a little difficult.
Old broad #2: That's so sweet...
Salon
Madison, Wisconsin
Things Nobody Else Tells You, Dear Reader
Man to friend: I think the worst part about this whole cancer thing is that his smell has changed.
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Friends | Health & Hygiene | Maladies | Massachusetts | Sensory experiences | Posted 2010-12-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When a Man Gets a Brazilian Wax
Woman #1: Ouch! That must have hurt!
Woman #2: Not really... He was possessed.
São Paulo
Brazil
Categories: Brazil | Maladies | Sensory experiences | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2010-12-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Randomly, but Still
Lady in coffee shop: So then he went to the Parkinson's Society conference and served soup.
Vancouver
Canadia
I'd Hoped to Outgrow My Vanity, Too
80-year-old grandmother walking feebly down the stairs: I'm not drunk; I'm handicapped.
Daughter assisting her: She's drunk and handicapped.
80-year-old grandmother: Okay. That's true... I just didn't want to bring my cane.
Turner Field, Braves Game
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Drunk, but Not Handicapped
Categories: Age and ageing | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Georgia | Maladies | Old folks | Posted 2010-11-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
No More Decisions for You, My Pet
Smoking man in expensive suit to smoking woman in expensive dress: And then, either way, you're a zombie. Right?
Toronto
Canadia
Which, Incidentally, Is Also the Title Of My Autobiography.
British girl: That being said, I don't worry about hiccups much, but I do worry about life a lot.
United Flight
Yerevan
Armenia
Categories: Airports & flights | Feelings | Foreigners | Health & Hygiene | Maladies | Posted 2010-11-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Make the Solution Come to You
Nursing lab instructor: You don't go down when you're suctioning.
College
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Yoshi
Categories: Advice | Maladies | Massachusetts | Nurses | Words | Posted 2010-11-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Voters Are Evenly Split on My Ovaries
Girl to friend: But yeah, my uterus sucks. I wish I just had a vagina and it ended there. But I do love my pancreas!
University of Arizona
One Downmanship Is Fun!
Woman #1: Sorry I'm late, I had bad anxiety.
Woman #2: I have bad allergies and a hangover.
Woman #1: Well, I'm pregnant.
Woman #3, looking up suddenly: What!?
Woman #1: Top that!
Barnes & Noble
Birmingham, Alabama
Then They Die
Girl #1: Corey's* got a treatment scheduled for Monday.
Girl #2: What's wrong with him?
Guy: Nothing.
Girl #1: He's got cancer.
Guy: He's fine. People get cancer all the time.
Nicholls State University
Thibodaux, Louisiana
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Girls | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Louisiana | Maladies | Stupidity | Posted 2010-06-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And When Did "Baby Got Back" Become a Wedding Song?
Black 20-something guy to friend: Sir Mix-a-Lot killed more black people in the 90s than heart disease and Aids combined.
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: I know his pain
Categories: Arizona | Black people | Compare and contrast | Friends | Maladies | Murder | Race | Posted 2010-05-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Which Isn't Very Hard.
Guy to date: And then, after work, he sorts out men's erectile dysfunction.
Greek Restaurant
London
England
Overheard by: Sam Veale
Categories: England | Guys | Maladies | Restaurants | Sex | Posted 2010-04-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Peristalsis? Beyonce? Linoleum?
Teacher: Okay. Quick review: which Greek gods did we cover on Friday?
Student, seriously: Hermaphrodite? Herpes? Asbestos?
High School
Michigan
Women Have Biological Clocks; Men Have Pop-up Timers
Woman #1: In all seriousness, given the choice, I don't know whether I'd prefer to be male or female.
Woman #2: It'd be really nice not to have cramps.
Woman #1: Yeah, and bleeding in public can be embarrassing, but perhaps less embarrassing than having things "pop up" unexpectedly.
Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: Angelica Burns
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Gender issues | Maladies | Penis | Women | Posted 2010-02-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...I Was Thinking Of a Nice Outing to Pottery Barn.
Girl: Booze!
Masculine gay dude: Fuck, yeah. I just finally finished my antibiotics. I'm gonna go fall off a stripper stage into some tits or somethin'.
Straight friend: Uhhh.
Bangkok
Thailand
Or Was That the Time I Was Temporarily Decapitated?
40-something suit #1: So you remember when I was dying of melanoma?
40-something suit #2: Is that when you couldn't go on the golf trip with the boss?
40-something suit #1: Yes, that was it!
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: MilwaukeeBabe
Categories: Death & dying | Jobs & Careers | Leisure | Maladies | Suits | Wisconsin | Posted 2010-01-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Stroke Was His Own Idea
Woman on street: The only bad thing I've ever said to Michael is that he should go and die of a heart attack.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Lauren
Categories: Death & dying | Maladies | Maryland | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2010-01-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Firefighters Multitask Brilliantly
Drugstore cashier to another: Are the firemen here to shop? Or is someone down again?
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: jamjam
Categories: Coworkers | Maladies | Questions | Shopping | Washington | Posted 2009-12-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's What My Gymnastics Coach Used to Say!
Biology teacher: Today we are going to learn to make a wet mount.
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: the one chortling in the back
Depression's Always in Style in Virginia
Studious student: You know she would tell her students that she's far too sick to make it out to campus, and then curl up in a ball on her couch with a cup of tea so she can watch the rain fall and weep.
Virginia Commonwealth University
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Education | Feelings | Food | Health & Hygiene | Maladies | Students | Virginia | Weather | Posted 2009-11-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Oooh, Imagine How Sweaty Her Hand Got!
Weird guy: Did you guys have fun last night?
Weirder guy: Oh, yeah. She jerked me off. But I'm allergic to latex, so she used neoprene gloves from the lab where she works.
Weird guy: Niiiice.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: That sounds so unpleasant.
Categories: Crazies | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Maladies | Masturbation | Questions | San Francisco | Technology | Posted 2009-11-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Something Grave, Anyway.
Catechism teacher: Where's Eric today?
Eric's friend: Eric's at the hospital with his mom.
Catechism teacher, concerned: Why?
Eric's friend: Cuz she has a tombstone, or something like that.
Rochester Hills, Michigan
Overheard by: Betsy
In Alabama It's Kind Of Hard to Tell
Older woman #1: I really need to get my flu shot this week.
Older woman #2: I got mine last week.
Older woman #3: Ya'll better watch out getting those flu shots, haven't you heard that vaccines cause autism?
Birmingham, Alabama
Categories: Advice | Alabama | Health & Hygiene | Maladies | Mental illnesses | Old folks | Stupidity | Women | Posted 2009-11-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just Start Blowing Things and See What Comes Out
Hipster guy: I can't tell if I'm horny or it's just my sinus infection again...
UBC
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Colleges & Universities | Health & Hygiene | Hipsters | Maladies | Sex | Posted 2009-10-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Portrait Of the Sound-Effects Guy As a Young Man
Biology teacher: Parvo disease is a disease in mammals that can be fatal; squirrels, cats and dogs can all get it.
Kid, whispering quietly to himself: Ruff! Ruff ruff! Kaboom!
Florida
Just When You Were Starting to Miss College...
Freshman girl on phone: You're not gonna get HIV from kissing some random... (pause) What? (pause) Well, does he have sores on his lips?
UCSB Dorms
California
Overheard by: KLaugh
Categories: California | Colleges & Universities | K-I-S-S-I-N-G | Maladies | On the phone | Questions | Students | Posted 2009-10-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Baby, You're the H1N1 for Me
Girl to guy: Don't hug me. I'm sick.
Guy to girl: Me too!
(pause)
Girl to guy: Yay! (hugs)
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: apparently sick people can't get worse
And Why Do You Say That About Everything?
Guy #1: Have you even seen Sophie's choice?
Guy #2: Yeah. Isn't the choice like, diabetes or a piano?
Guy #1: What?
University of Florida
Overheard by: Nick
Why Genies Are Wasted on Blondes
Red-headed friend to blonde friend: If I had a special power it would be to fly!
Blonde friend, seriously: If I had a special power I would have a microwave in my mouth so that I could cook anything I wanted, whenever I wanted.
Red-headed friend: You could never get salmonella again!
Blonde friend: I know, right? It's my best idea yet!
Canada's Wonderland
Toronto
Canadia
Happened to the Cro-Magnons All the Time
Drunk girl, very concerned: He's totally going to get fucked in the A! And he has scoliosis, so he's always bent over, so he's definitely going to get fucked in the A!
Macalester College
St. Paul, Minnesota
Or an Etch-a-Sketch Masterpiece.
Guy: So how's it going with Tom?
Girl: Good. He's stuck with me.
Guy: You're like a virus.
Girl: No, I'm more like something good you can't shake. Like a baby.
Derby, Connecticut
Categories: Compare and contrast | Connecticut | Girls | Guys | Kids | Maladies | Questions | Relationships | Posted 2009-09-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Oh, Now You're a Doctor?
Freshman boy: I think I have gingivitis.
Friend: You can't get gingivitis on your hand!
High School
Amherst, Massachusetts
Overheard by: shiny
Categories: Friends | Hands | Maladies | Massachusetts | Students | Posted 2009-09-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
This Will Be on the Midterm.
American history professor: So this Bacon guy died of the flux. Or as I like to say, he shat himself to death.
University Of Louisiana
Monroe, Louisiana
Overheard by: a bored Am. History student
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Death & dying | History | Louisiana | Maladies | Poop | Teachers | Posted 2009-09-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'll Trade You for Two Gonorrheas and a Scabies.
Girl, walking barefoot under the rain: Oh, the joys of Richmond. We are so gonna get hepatitis.
Bag lady: No! Don't do that, but if you do... give me some!
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: singing in the rain
Categories: Bag ladies | Girls | Maladies | Offers and requests | Virginia | Weather | Weirdness | Posted 2009-08-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...More Gelato?
Overly chatty middle-aged guy on date: Doctors love giving women a hysterectomy. They will find any reason to give a woman a hysterectomy. Like, we're already up there, might as well scoop it on out now.
Italian Restaurant
Highland, California
Overheard by: well,,,there goes my appetite.
Categories: California | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Maladies | Restaurants | Weirdness | Posted 2009-08-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's Become Illegal to Take Them Through Airports
Middle-aged man on bus: I made the mistake of letting my grandkids come over Saturday. They are nothing but little virus factories!
Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com
Overheard by: micah
Categories: Bus | Compare and contrast | Family ties | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Kids | Maladies | Overheard in PDX | Posted 2009-08-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
A Tale, Told by an Idiom.
Finnish lady: They waited years to diagnose him so now of course he's got a lot of luggage.
American lady: Wait, don't you mean baggage?
Finnish lady: Luggage?
American lady: Baggage.
Finnish lady: Baggage, luggage.
Brazilian man, totally bewildered: Suitcases?
West Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Sprightly
Categories: California | Foreigners | Health & Hygiene | Language barrier | Maladies | Women | Words | Posted 2009-08-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
One Of These Days I'm Gonna Explode
Girl to friend: I ooze talent, like a pimple oozes pus.
Corvallis, Oregon
Categories: Compare and contrast | Friends | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Maladies | Oregon | Posted 2009-08-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's What You Took Away from That Lifetime Movie?
Young woman: I mean, bulimia is easy! But anorexia? That takes willpower!
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: Mandy
Categories: Compare and contrast | Health & Hygiene | Maladies | Michigan | Women | Posted 2009-07-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But It Makes a Cool Gurgling Sound
10-year-old boy to another: Yeah, if you smoke it that way you can still get cancer. But if you smoke it through a water bong... yeah, about the same.
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Lauren
Either Way, Your Old Life Is Over
Woman: I imagine that finding out you have a tumor is very much like finding out you're pregnant.
Los Angeles, California
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Health & Hygiene | Maladies | Stupidity | Women | Posted 2009-07-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Real Secret Behind Jared's Weight Loss.
Girl #1: I haven't kissed him in over a week because he has mono. But a couple days ago we went out to Subway, and then to my house to eat it and watch a movie. Well, he went home and I saw what I thought was my Subway cup, so I took a big swig out of it.
Girl #2: Oh, no!
Girl #1: Yeah, and I said "screw it!" and I just decided to make out with him, since I missed it so much. But I've been feeling a little crappy lately.
Girl #2: (stares)
Girl #1, thoughtfully: I hope I'm not getting sick. (pause) Oh, this shirt is cute!
UCCS
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: Dazeys
Further Evidence That Missouri Loves Company
Middle aged man power-walking with friend in the park: I wake up, I drink, and I smoke. Then, I go to work, come home, and drink and then smoke. You wanna know why I do this?
Friend: Why?
Middle aged man: I'm fucking depressed, that's why. So I wake up and do it all over again the next day.
Forest Park
St. Louis, Missouri
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Friends | Jobs & Careers | Maladies | Missouri | Questions | Smoking | Posted 2009-07-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Porky Pig Has Some 'Splaining to Do
Mom to six-year-old: I'm not buying this whole "selective stuttering" thing.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Which Only Comes Into Play After Three or More Margaritas
Bartender: The answer was "The North Sea." We did not accept "Nordic" or "Norse."
Guy: But my hand has a lisp!
Shout-out: www.overheardatumbc.com
Categories: Bartenders | Guys | Hands | Maladies | Overheard at UMBC | Words | Posted 2009-06-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And I'm the Dairy Queen.
Seven-year-old girl #1: Hey! There goes Angus!
Seven-year-old girl #2: Oooh, you are falling in love with him.
Seven-year-old girl #1: I am so not falling in love with him. He's allergic to dairy!
Australia
Overheard by: hahamama
Hey, What Are Frenemies For?
Girl #1: It's like putting a band-aid on when you need stitches.
Girl #2: Oh, thats a good one.
Girl #3: Yeah, and then the band-aid falls off and it gets infected.
Girl #1: And then you get gangrene and you leg falls off.
Girl #3: Only we could be trying to be supportive and morbid at the same time...
Belleville, Pennsylvania
Categories: Body parts | Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Maladies | Pennsylvania | Posted 2009-06-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When I Went Into Insulin Shock, the Joke Was on Her!
Loud fat man on bus: When I first found out I had diabetes, I had my wife go out and buy me a big case of pudding cups. I opened each one up and poured them into a tub with some milk.
Friend: Oh?
Loud fat man on bus: My mother-in-law didn't believe I could eat it, but I sat down in front of her and drank the whole thing, just to spite her.
Portland, Oregon
Categories: Default | Drinking & drunks | Family ties | Fat people | Food | Guys | Maladies | Offers and requests | Oregon | Posted 2009-05-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Is the Thesis Of My Biology Essay.
Chubby girl: Oreos are better than amphetamines.
Chambersburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: gidgetgirl
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Fat people | Food | Girls | Maladies | Pennsylvania | Posted 2009-05-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Couldn't Help It-- I Kept Shining a Strobe Light on Him.
College girl to three friends, completely serious: Yeah, I guess his penis had epilepsy or something.
College Dining Hall
Pennsylvania
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Maladies | Penis | Pennsylvania | Students | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ooo, Let's Get T-Shirts Saying That.
Sorority girl #1: What did he die from?
Sorority girl #2: Cancer.
Sorority girl #1: Gawd! Cancer sucks!
CVS
Charlottesville, Indiana
Categories: Death & dying | Default | Girls | Indiana | Maladies | Questions | Sorority types | Stores | Words | Posted 2009-05-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Plan to Stop Smoking Just Before That
Professor: Do we know if marijuana has any long-term effects?
Male student: Ball cancer.
Western Michigan University
Overheard by: H
Is the Professor Actually Bugs Bunny in Disguise?
Undergrad, explaining why he can't answer a question: I'm just tired today. I'm sorry.
Very old professor, non-native English speaker: You are tired?
Student: Yes, I'm sick.
Very old professor: What disease do you have?
Student: I...uh, it's just a cold.
Very old professor: Yes, a cold is not considered disease. You are healthy. You are alive!
Classroom, University of Colorado
Boulder, Colorado
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Colorado | Default | Feelings | Health & Hygiene | Maladies | Questions | Students | Teachers | Posted 2009-04-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If You'd Like Further Proof Of Age, I'll Give You a Rant About the Price Of Orange Juice
Guy about to buy beer: ID? ID? I'm 56-motherfucking-years-old! I don't need no ID! (reaches into cart and pulls out items) Here's my damn ID! I'm buying hemorrhoid cream and Fixodent!
Winn Dixie
Hammond, Louisiana
Overheard by: betsy
Ever Wake Up in Mid-Sentence, With No Idea What You're Talking About?
Male student: Sorry to use an STD metaphor again, but I think the bee pubic hair represented herpes.
Whittier College
Whittier, California
Overheard by: Sam (kind of hard not to)
Categories: Animals | California | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Guys | Hair | Maladies | STDs | Students | Posted 2009-03-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
For Just $29.99, Plus Tax
Chick: I had a friend who thought she was really depressed for years, but it turned out it was just a yeast infection in all of her organs. This could be you.
Woods Hole, Massachusetts
Overheard by: TARDIS Dyke
Categories: Body parts | Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Maladies | Massachusetts | Posted 2009-03-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Quiz: Which Of These Statements Is True About Audrina from The Hills?
Guy #1, shocked and angry: Dude, she's autistic!
Guy #2: Yeah! But she's a full functioning autistic, so fuck you for judging.
Ikea
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Ferdinand
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Guys | Insults | Maladies | Stores | Washington | Posted 2009-03-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But Thanks to Modern Medicine, She Has Breasts Like He-Man
Dude #1: Have you seen her lately?
Dude #2: Yeah, she looks great, except for the bulimia!
Dude #1: Really? She looks good?
Dude #2: Yeah, except her face looks like Skeletor.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: give her a sandwich
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Maladies | Overheard in Minneapolis | Questions | TV shows | Posted 2009-02-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Your Editors Blame Sarah Silverman for Our Uncharitable Thoughts
Girl #1: My stomach hurts.
Girl #2: Ew, girl! You pregnant!
Charlotte, North Carolina
As Long As You Diligently Come to Office Hours
Teacher: Listen, I guarantee that by the time you graduate, each one of you will have a form of herpes.
New York City, New York
Perfect for an Institution of Higher Learning
Extremely diabetic professor: Now that I have to get another artificial leg, I can be as tall as I want!
Math Department
University of Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Suzz
Categories: Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Illinois | Maladies | Teachers | Weirdness | Posted 2009-01-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Wouldn't Want People to Think I'm Less Than a Lady
20-year-old female emo: So basically, after hours of arguing outside his house, I was so fed up I told him to fucking suck my dick.
30-year-old female friend: Wow, what happened after that?
20-year-old female emo: I left. He was being such a fucking cunt. I wanted to piss in his mouth. He made me drive home drunk!
30-year-old female friend: He could at least offer to like, let you spend the night.
20-year-old female friend: Like, I don't even know, he's such a bitch boyfriend. I honestly hopes he gets the herpes.
30-year-old female friend: You have such a dirty mouth.
20-year-old female emo: Oh, is my lipstick smudged or something?
Starbucks
San Francisco, California
Categories: California | Default | Friends | Girls | Maladies | Pee | Penis | Questions | Relationships | Restaurants | Sex | Wishes | Posted 2009-01-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When Ancient Warriors Are Born Into Modern Military Families
Mother: And some armies have the sniper and he just picks them all off. Pkk pkk pkk.
Three-year-old with chicken pox (over still talking mother): I'm Spartacus!
Five-year-old without chicken pox: No, I'm Spartacus, you're Spartacus!
Mother, still talking: And then the detonator gets attached and once the fuse goes, it all goes boom!
Three-year-old: I'm Spartacus!
Five-year-old: You're Spartacus!
Flight between London and Liverpool
England
Overheard by: nadine
To Re-Apply My Black Lipstick, Silly!
Goth/punk chick smoking a cigarette: Oh shit, you know what I forgot?
Goth/punk guy: That you're killing your unborn baby?
Huron & First
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Melanie
It's the Guardian of Our Collective Chastity
Girl on cell: Why are you going to the gynecologist? (pause) Everybody has discharge!
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: CoRri
Not As Gross As Mickey Mouse Christmas Ornaments, Honey
Hallmark salesgirl: My stomach really hurts.
Queer: Does your face hurt too?
Hallmark salesgirl (long pause): Oh my god, gross!
McLean, Virginia
The Long-Awaited Follow-up to "My Humps"
Little girl #1 (holding a Patrick Star toy): Mommy, mommy! Can I get this?
Scary mom: No.
Little girl #1: Why?
Scary mom: Because last time we bought one of those was the day you had your seizure.
Little girl #1 (running around the store and flapping her arms): My seizure, my seizure!
Little girl #2 (also running and flapping): Your seizure, your seizure!
Kings Island, Ohio
No, Dad, Joe Camel Is Not on the Ticket
Woman on phone: No dad, the Democratic congress is probably not affecting the cancer rate. No, a Democratic president will probably not make cancer rates worse.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: me!
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Fears | Health & Hygiene | Maladies | On the phone | Overheard in Minneapolis | Politics | Women | Posted 2008-09-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
She Was Also Fantastic at Hiding in Attics
Girl: Do you know who Helen Keller is?
Guy: No.
Girl: Well, she was blind, deaf, and something else...
Guy: Dumb?
Girl: No, she was quite intelligent actually, but I think she could smell.
Corvallis, Oregon
...And I Drink Twelve Beers in Celebration
Drunk girl: Sometimes I think I'm an alcoholic, but then I watch Intervention and I realize I'm just a love machine.
Syracuse University, New York
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Girls | Maladies | New York | Sexuality | TV shows | Posted 2008-09-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Shame They'll Never Know About Our Fantastic Punnery
Guy #1: The deaf people are coming out in droves.
Guy #2: That bad?
Guy #1: Dude, it's like day of the deaf, or night of the living deaf!
Wal-Mart
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Rev Loon
This Baby Can Wait 'Til I'm Done with My Deep-Dish
Woman eating pizza with friends: So, do you want to go to the hospital? Okay, I'm on my way...I'll be a few minutes though. (hangs up and continues eating)
Louis Pizza
Detroit, Michigan
Categories: Default | Food | Health & Hygiene | Lies | Maladies | Michigan | Restaurants | Women | Posted 2008-09-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
She Just Goes There to Have Sex in the Steam Room.
Preppy girl: I woke up this morning and my legs were so sore! And then I couldn't remember why they were hurting! I was so worried, especially since I went out last night and Wednesday nights are usually when I stay in. And I couldn't remember anything that happened. But then I thought, "Oh, wait, I went to the gym yesterday. That must be it."
Lawrence Hall, Colgate University
Hamilton, New York
Categories: Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Default | Girls | Maladies | New York | Preppies | Time Management | Posted 2008-08-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Arlene Was Quickly Eliminated at the Grammar Rodeo
Middle aged redneck woman: Yeah, or I'm gonna get more sicker!
Redneck friend: There's no such thing as "more sicker." It's a double negative.
Middle aged redneck woman: Yeah! Double sicker!
Oneonta, New York
Overheard by: Caroline
Don't Bite The Hand That... Never Mind
College girl to friends eating waffle fries: Yeah, and she had the "smelly hand syndrome." It was really serious. And smelly.
UCF Campus
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Jen
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Florida | Girls | Hands | Maladies | Sensory experiences | Posted 2008-08-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Only Go to the Cafeteria to Test Myself
Blonde girl entering the cafeteria: These lines are so long! Thank god I decided to be anorexic!
Mary Washington University
Fredericksburg, Virginia
Overheard by: waiting in line
Since Apparently Assholism No Longer Qualifies
Guy to another: I don't know what to tell you... If she won't break up with you because you invited her to have a threesome, then tell her that you have some disability... (mumbles) ...like, what's that form of autism called? "Asperger syndrome"?
Bar
Austin, Texas
Categories: Advice | Bars & Clubs | Default | Guys | Maladies | Relationships | Texas | Posted 2008-08-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We Better Have to Swim Through Her Blood When We Disembark
Metro announcement: The Red Line is experiencing delays due to a sick customer at Farragut North... Trains will share tracks at Gallery Place and Metro Center.
Man on metro: How sick was this customer?
Woman on metro: She better be dead, I'll tell you that.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: jposkin
Categories: Death & dying | Default | Guys | Maladies | Public Transportation | Strangers | Washington, DC | Women | Posted 2008-07-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Life's a Gamble Anyway, Am I Right?
Guy #1: What's the big deal about the bird flu anyway? I'm not a bird.
Guy #2: It's those people who play with bird crap and such. It's kinda like the chicken pox, see what I mean?
Guy #1: Well, I'm fine then because I already had the chicken pox.
Reno, Nevada
Overheard by: Scott
If It Could Happen to Lance Armstrong, It Could Happen to Anybody!
Girl #1: I'm all freaked out now! I bet you she's pregnant! My sister's pregnant!
Girl #2: I'm sure she's not pregnant, you're assuming the worst.
Girl #1: Oh my god! What if she has testicle cancer?!
Adelaide
Australia
Overheard by: monkey
Now I'm Working on a Novel About Them
Suit on the Taipei subway: After I went home that day, I kept thinking about hemorrhoids.
Shout-out: talovich.blogspot.com
Overheard by: Yugan
Aww, Look at Its Little Fuzzy Valtrex
Girl, observing a display of plush microbes: I want herpes! I think it's so cute!
SUNY
Geneseo, New York
Overheard by: Jeni
Anybody Have Any Bread?
(student coughs violently into hands, spewing fake blood)
Lit professor: Oh my god! Are you okay?
Student: (coughing up more blood) Can I go to the bathroom?
Lit professor: Oh my god, go, go!
(student leaves)
Lit professor: (realizing it's April 1st) Haha... His consumption smells like raspberries.
Colorado University, Boulder
Overheard by: In the back of the classroom
Categories: Class | Colorado | Default | Food | Health & Hygiene | Holidays | Maladies | Offers and requests | Questions | Sensory experiences | Students | Teachers | Posted 2008-06-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Nietzsche Was a Shitty Roommate
Boy housemate #1: Ah! I feel so sick, my tummy hurts.
Girl housemate #1: Do you want some soup?
Girl housemate #2: Do you want some toast?
Boy housemate #2: Do you want some "harden-the-fuck-up"?
Gold Coast
Australia
So Thanks for Letting Me Into Yale
Hipster guy: Yeah, it probably didn't help that I gave you poison ivy and then threw up on you.
Bar
Columbia, Missouri
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Default | Etiquette | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Hipsters | Maladies | Missouri | Relationships | Weirdness | Posted 2008-05-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Sternum, Scrotum: Scranton
Girl #1: Owww, my sternum hurts. Wait...I have one of those, right?
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Don't only boys have sternums?
[pause]
Girl #3: I think you're thinking of scrotum...
University of Scranton
Scranton, Pennsylvania
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Gender issues | Girls | Maladies | Pennsylvania | Questions | Stupidity | Words | Posted 2008-05-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Typhoid Mary Was Also an Avid Bowler
Woman at table dining with friend: I mean, I love infectious diseases, don't get me wrong, but that's not my life.
Red Restaurant
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: kyndgrrl
Categories: Compare and contrast | Feelings | Friends | Health & Hygiene | Ladies who lunch | Maladies | Restaurants | Tennessee | Threats | Weirdness | Posted 2008-04-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Suck His Toes and You'll Be High for Days
Large black woman on cell: Girl! I'm tellin' you, I don't know where I gots them warts on my feets. But they nasty! I don't want to give them to nobody else, so I brought me some lil' socks, you know... Them cushy foots? Not like Earl, who goes barefoot all over the city with them mushroom funguses on his toes. His toenails be like baby powder! They all crumbly and shit.
Detroit Metro Airport
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: Trying not to barf (and glad I wore socks)
Categories: Airports & flights | Black people | Body parts | Clothes | Compare and contrast | Etiquette | Health & Hygiene | Hoochies | Maladies | Michigan | On the phone | Threats | Women | Posted 2008-04-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
From Containing All That Evil?
Girl #1: Do you think anyone's like... Actually a good person?
[long pause]
Girl #2: Ugh, my stomach really hurts today.
Drew University
Madison, New Jersey
Categories: Bringing it back to you | Character | Colleges & Universities | Default | Friends | Girls | Gripes | Maladies | New Jersey | Questions | Sorority types | Students | Posted 2008-04-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
From Now On, I'm Smoking with the Other End
Korean queer, smoking: I heard oral sex gives you more throat cancer than cigarettes.
Dida's Bar
Sao Paulo
Brazil
Categories: BJs | Bars & Clubs | Brazil | Compare and contrast | Default | Maladies | Queers | Stupidity | Posted 2008-03-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Who Are You?
Guy to girl: What? Your tummy hurts? Let's make out!
Auburn, Alabama
Categories: Couples | Default | Foreplay | Maladies | Offers and requests | Posted 2008-03-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Want to Spread the Cancer Evenly Throughout Your Body
Friend #1: You're not inhaling!
Smoking girl: Do I have to inhale?
Friend #1: Yeah. Otherwise you're not really smoking.
Friend #2: You're just getting mouth cancer.
Bryn Mawr College
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Friends | Maladies | Pennsylvania | Questions | Smoking | Posted 2008-03-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Well, See That It Doesn't Happen Again
Professor: So, were you in this class before?
Man: Yeah -- I dropped halfway through.
Professor: That's right! You were the flake!
Man: I had open-heart surgery!
Las Positas College
Livermore, California
Categories: California | Maladies | Students | Teachers | Posted 2008-02-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's Hard to Tell Who's Retarded and Who's Just Texan
Chick #1: Sarah took her retarded sister-in-law to the game last night. They ended up getting drunk and going to a strip club. She really is retarded.
Chick #2: Like, literally retarded?
Chick #1: Yeah.
Chick #2: Well, that sounds like an interesting night...
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Wish I could've been there
So, Why'd God Break Your Hip, Myrtle?
Old lady #1: ... And now he's crippled!
Old lady #2: Well, of course he is. That's what God does to people who get divorced.
Old lady #1: That's true.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Voudou
Categories: God | Maladies | Old folks | Relationships | Wisconsin | Posted 2008-02-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Smarter Friends Might Help
Girl #1: He has, like, ACD or something!
Girl #2: You mean 'OCD.'
Girl #3: No, you mean 'ADD.'
Girl #1: Wait, no. I meant depression. He has depression.
Wal-Mart
Syracuse, New York
Until She Found a Market for the Photos on the Internet
Professor: Sorry if you've been excited to see how you did on your essays, but I didn't get a chance to mark them over Christmas break.
Class: [Groans.]
Professor: Well, my testicles swelled to the size of grapefruit over the holiday break, so don't think you're the only ones disappointed. My wife wasn't thrilled, either.
York University
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: decidingwhethertolaughornot
Many Girls Simply Take Refuge in Their Own Kind
Giggling coed looking at something in friend's purse: Think you have enough of those?
Friend: I know it looks bad, but I'm terribly allergic to male sperm.
Durango, Colorado
It's a Twofer!
Child running up escalator: I'm winning again!
Mom, huffing and puffing on other escalator: Yeah, well, I'm having a stroke, so...
Cleveland Park Metro station
Washington, DC
Categories: Kids | Maladies | Moms | Washington, DC | Posted 2008-01-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
So It's No Problem If I Stub Them Out in Your Eyes?
Angry security guard lady: Hey! There's no smoking out here!
Smoker guy #1, wearing dark shades and not sorry: Sorry, we didn't know.
Angry security guard lady: Well, there's a sign right next to you.
Smoker guy #2, wearing dark shades: We're blind -- that's why we're at the Eye Center.
Security guard lady, laughing loudly: Hahaha! Well, okay!
Kellogg Eye Center
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Ewan Macpherson
But I'm Willing to Share
Three-year-old girl, cheerily scratching at rash: I have excema!
Crowded train
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Eggs
Categories: Maladies | Oregon | Should have used a condom | Posted 2008-01-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'll Consider It -- What Else You Got?
Nine-year-old boy: Mom, my stomach hurts.
Mom: Then take off your pants.
Shout-out: overheardinphilly.blogspot.com
Overheard by: academia
Categories: Kids | Maladies | Moms | Overheard in Philly | Posted 2008-01-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Won the Fuck-Like-Walt-Whitman Contest Hands Down
Dude: Overall, it was a good weekend... My knees, ass and thumb hurt.
Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com
Overheard by: clickmehard
Categories: Gossip | Guys | Maladies | Overheard in PDX | Posted 2008-01-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Might Be Better Just to Stalk Him
Girl #1: I wish I was sick and he would come visit me... Like Make-a-Wish.
Girl #2: You're saying you want cancer so Heath Ledger will come visit you?
Girl #1: No! ... Kinda...
Laguna Hills, California
Overheard by: me too
Categories: About celebrities | California | Chicks | Maladies | Posted 2007-12-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Left Him with an Iron and a Bathtub to Amuse Himself
Mom, oblivious to sons sliding on ice through parking lot: So, I guess we want a tree that's really tall, but not too wide...
Lady, wincing every time boys slide near a moving car: Wow, those two must be a handful, huh?
Mom: Oh, yeah. Actually, I have three, but the youngest is at home because he broke his neck and he's too hard to cart around.
Syracuse, New York
Dunno, It Feels Like It's Helping
Old woman: Should you really be drinking with your condition?
Young guy: What condition?
Old woman: Y'know -- the crazy and all.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: fregout
We Need That Sample for the Science Fair!
Teen girl: I have a fever.
Teen boy: Oh, no! Any vomiting?
Teen girl: Not yet.
Teen boy: Damn!
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Greg
Categories: California | Maladies | Teens | Posted 2007-10-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Got It Wholesale from a Can of Crabmeat That Was Left in the Sun
Guy on cell: I got a face full of botulism! Look at me -- I'm sexy!
New Jersey
Categories: Maladies | New Jersey | On the phone | Posted 2007-07-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Luckily, I Was There to Apply Blush on Her While They Were Removing Her Lung
Woman on cell: I totally didn't recognize her. Yeah, so I guess she thinks she can get away with not doing her hair and make-up before surgery.
Office Depot
Fort Worth, Texas
Categories: Beauty | Biotechs | Maladies | North America | On the phone | Stores | Texas | USA | Posted 2007-06-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
God, You're Such a Maudlin Drunk
Dad to howling toddler: Stop it! Suck it up! You don't hear anyone else crying, do you?
United flight descending into O'Hare
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Categories: Airports & flights | Dads | Illinois | Maladies | North America | Parenting | Parents | USA | Posted 2007-06-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Hell, There Will Probably Be More!
Guy to girl selling breast cancer t-shirts: I'll do it later -- the kids with cancer will still have cancer.
Shout-out: overheardatcornell.blogspot.com
Overheard by: Mike
Categories: Maladies | New York | North America | Overheard at Cornell | USA | Posted 2007-06-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
People Say They Lack Focus
Student giving presentation: There's also astigmatism on people who are poor...
Wright State University
Dayton, Ohio
Overheard by: thinks he meant
