Recent | Best Of
Two-year-old, holding plastic dinosaur up to ear: Uh-huh, mommy, it's been a really hard day.
Teacher: It's been a hard day, huh?
Two-year-old: Excuse me, I'm on the phone!
Preschool
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Lee
Host: Would you like a booth or table?
Young mom: A booth is fine.
Four-year-old: I don't want a booth!
Young dad: Hey, knock that off or you'll be eatin' out of the trash.
Orange County, California
Overheard by: Poofy
Father to son, on golf course: Yeah, while you were away I though about hiring someone to rape me.
Son: What?
Father: It's supposed to really improve your golf swing!
Eagle, Colorado
Little boy, dressed as a firefighter, looking at picture of a raccoon: That's a raccoon! I shoot raccoons! With a gun! Look at my boots!
Wheaton, Illinois
Overheard by: Emlyn
Woman: We are having more kids, dammit!
Fort Worth, Texas
Young woman to small boy, loudly: Get your hands outta your pants, dude! (moments later) I said, scratch it through them!
Bus Stop
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: across the street
Mother: Just sit there a minute. I need to go say goodbye to Jamie*.
Three-year-old boy, buckled into stroller, trying to stand: Let me out of this booby trap!
County Fair
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Cat
Little girl to mother: Mommy, where's Aladdin?
Mother: He'll come soon, sweetie.
(repeats this for ten minutes)
Little girl, seeing Aladdin on the stage: Who is that?
Mother: Aladdin.
Little girl: Where's Jasmine?
Adventure Theater
Anaheim, California
Weird kid: Your momma's so fat that... Chuck Norris. I win.
St. Joseph High School
Michigan
Ditzy woman: It would look more like Australia if it was an island, because Australia is an island... right?
Ditzy woman's daughter: I think that's the smartest thing that's ever been said in my presence.
Ditzy woman: Well, somebody in this family has to be brilliant.
Four-year-old boy: Dogs are kinda like vampires because they both have pointy teeth.
Harrisburg, Illinois
Eight-year-old boy to mother browsing meat counter at the grocery store: Mom, what's veal?
Mother: It's just another kind of meat.
Eight-year-old boy: But what kind of animal does it come from?
Mother, motioning to her chest area: Oh, I think it's from the lamb part of the cow.
Toronto
Canadia
Seven-year-old son: And then you two are going to go home and... (whistles)
Father: Meaning?
Seven-year-old son: Have sex.
Mother: Darren!
Five-year-old son: Don't be silly! Girls don't have sex.
London
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Eight-year-old boy: Mommy... I can't wait for my day of vengeance to be at hand.
Mother: I know he's unlikable, but there are quieter ways.
Eight-year-old boy, wielding stick in hand: I wanna use this.
Mother: He'll shush up if you put a bow and arrow through his eye.
MTA
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: PatriotAhckt
Five-year-old son to father: I wonder what zebra farts smell like?
The National Zoo
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Kat
Seven-year-old: Mommy, why is that man going under the train?
40-something woman: Because, sweetie, he works there.
Seven-year-old: He works under the train?
40-something woman: Yes, sweetie.
Seven-year-old: When I get older I wanna work under a train.
40-something woman: Nice, maybe you can pay for my funeral. Not like your older brother...
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Malina
Little girl to mother: I always get weirded out when we come to Asian markets.
Mom: Why is that?
Little girl: Because there are so many Asian people in one place!
Mom: Why is that weird?
Uwajimaya
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Koley
Mum to small son: Stay with mummy or someone might take you.
Son, very excitedly: And eat me?
Target
Australia
Frazzled principal addressing group of volunteers in library: Sorry I'm a little late everybody, I had to pull a kid out from underneath my car.
Weslaco, Texas
14-year-old boy, running down the hall after another: You're feminating me.
Newfoundland
Canadia
Five-year-old girl to hair brush: Mommy doesn't want me to buy you or to talk to you... That makes me sad.
Embarrassed mom: Come on sweetie, let's go home.
(kid keeps talking to hair brush, mom yanks it away)
Mom, leaving store: Now is not the time to talk to hair brushes!
North Carolina
Overheard by: Wondering why mom was embarrassed
Woman to ten-year-old son: When I'm old and feeble, will you take me in and take care of me?
Ten-year-old son: No. I'm going to put you in a home with a bunch of Asian people.
Chesapeake, Virginia
Overheard by: Kids these days.
Little girl trying on boots: Mom, can I get them?
Mom: Yes, but you have to take them off.
Little girl: Will you help me?
Mom: No, if you don't know how to take your own shoes off by now, I've done something very wrong.
Little girl, in low voice, taking boots off: ...you have.
Target
Bellingham, Washington
Overheard by: Rachel
Mother: Honey, you're not lazy.
Four-year-old son: Yes, I am!
Father, smiling: No, you're not.
Four-year-old son: I am! I am lazy! What does "lazy" mean?
Coral Gables, Miami
Mom, with neck tattoo reading "ape" to toddler daughter picking produce: Put that back. That is not what you think it is.
Wal-Mart
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Kathyp
Five-year-old girl: I farted on you, again.
Five-year-old brother: I don't care.
Shoreline, Washington
Mother to crying newborn: Wah, wah, wah! Your life is so hard!
Target
Australia
Kid: Mom... Mom... Mom! You're ignoring me again!
Mom: Yeah, I know. I've sort of learned to tune you out.
Bellingham, Washington
Father: What will happen if mommy finds out?
Daughter: Total plutonic reversal.
Father: And?
Daughter: And I won't get any more suckers.
Bloomington, Indiana
Overheard by: Danzdman
Elderly lady to six-month-old baby: Now, I want you to say nice and clearly, "here I am, grandmother," when I ask you where you are.
Oxford
England
20-something girl #1, laughing: Your son is totally gay!
20-something girl #2: He so is! He reminds me of Jack from Dawson's Creek. He's athletic and can play it pretty hetero, but deep down he's balls-deep in rainbow town. Very impressive for a five-year-old.
Roseville, California
Overheard by: MeganMama
Older sister: Did you know Louie Armstrong smoked a lot of pot?
Younger sister: While he was in space?
Auburn, Washington
Tube train announcer: We're just waiting for a platform to come free at the next station. Thank you for your patience.
Small boy, thoughtfully: They don't *know* that we're being patient. We could all be banging on the windows and screaming.
Tube
London
England
Overheard by: Matt W
Kid: Dad, can we get Pop-Tarts?
Ponytail dad: No.
Kid: Why?
Ponytail dad: Because they're... disgustingly poisonous!
Carrollton, Georgia
Overheard by: Kez
Girl #1: Oh my god! At work today, the kids had to write stories and they are the worst writers ever! One kid had an entire paragraph with no periods, and a bunch of them were capitalizing days of the week and stuff. It was awful.
Girl #2: You're supposed to capitalize days of the week.
Girl #1, in embarrassed awe: No! You're kidding, right? I told them they weren't supposed to...
Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com
Overheard by: lauren
Woman to husband: Honey, do you think this would be a good fall coat for me?
Five-year-old daughter: It looks like an old-fashioned coat.
Woman: I knew you were gonna say that!
Five-year-old: A young lady like you shouldn't wear such an old-fashioned coat!
Target
Allen Park, Michigan
Seven-year-old in underwear in dressing room, doing pelvis thrusts: Look at my horse! My horse is amazing!
Target
Ithaca, New York
30-something dude: I didn't circumcise my son.
20-something dude #1: Are you circumcised?
20-something dude #2: Woah!
Cincinnati, Ohio
Young suit to crying baby he's holding at arm's length: You were a terrible investment.
Young woman: Stop saying that!
Young suit: If he doesn't stop crying, I'm literally going to give him to the next person who is willing.
Young woman, taking the baby: He should be crying. You're an idiot!
Young suit: The sale has now become two for one.
Toys R Us
Bear, Delaware
White Russian guy with slight accent: Something tells me my first born won't be white. That something is my penis.
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: The Sauce
Three-year-old boy: When I get older my penis is going to get so big, and then it will talk to me.
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Dr Banana Grabber
Young son, after burping loudly: I burped!
Father: Does it smell like baloney?
Young son: No...?
Father: Then you're not a man yet!
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Big D.
Three-year-old boy: Do Santa and Batman fly in the sky together?
Mom: I hope they're careful if they do, because otherwise... Batmobile crashes into Santa's sleigh, boom! (makes explosion noises) Santa and Batman. Dead.
Three-year-old boy: (laughs hysterically)
Auntie: I'm glad he laughed at that, otherwise you were getting the "worst mom" award.
Antelope, California
Overheard by: Megan
Screaming woman, surrounded by children: I haven't breast fed in months! Why won't they leave me alone?!
Philadelphia Zoo
Pennsylvania
Overheard by: mammophile
Mom to daughter, wandering off: No, come back here, I don't want to lose you in the store. I already lost one of my kids that way, and that's enough.
Dollar Store
Sept-Îles
Canadia
Obese little girl, singing: Where'd you get your body from? I got it from my mama! I got it from my mama!
Really obese mother: Shhh!
Charlestown
NSW
Australia
Guy #1: Isn't there something wrong with getting smashed at a baby shower?
Guy #2: Well, it wasn't exactly a kosher baby shower...
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: intheback
Professor, in monotone voice: I think we're all familiar with merry-go-rounds. They're objects in playgrounds that rotate at relatively high speeds, and we put our children on them.
Millersville University
Millersville, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Tyler G
Young girl, about dragonfly on water slide: It can't be alive because it's dead!
College guy: Kids are so philosophical.
Hackettstown, New Jersey
Whiny-voiced 20-something: My period showed up two days early and ruined my weekend plans with that guy I was seeing.
20-something with baby: My period showed up two weeks late, stuck me with this, and ruined my life. Pass me one of those shirts in a medium?
Springfield, Illinois
Overheard by: Katie F
Dad to eight-year-old son: Well, stop giving people wedgies and they'll stop throwing rocks at you.
Edmonton
Canadia
Overheard by: Christina M.
Seven-year-old boy, stepping off train, to parents: We're in the middle of nowhere!
Train Platform
Maplewood, New Jersey
Overheard by: KBN
Girl to family: Happy 4th of July, everyone!
Kid next to girl: But I'm Jewish!
Magic Kingdom
Orlando, Florida
Little boy on bus: Mom, mom, what's that? (points at Showgirls)
Mom: It's a titty place! Don't worry, no one's going to come out naked, but you won't care about that when you're 20.
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Face
Little boy: My legs are melting! My legs are melting!
Target
White Plains, New York
Guy to crowd of housemates: See, this is the kind of toilet we want--it's rated to be able to flush one kilo of material at a time.
Girl: How many kilos does a newborn weigh?
Home Depot
Oakland, California
Overheard by: Alchemist George
Kid: Woah, you just blew my mind!
Teacher: That's not all I'll blow.
High School
Pennsylvania
Tanorexic blonde on date: So basically the fucking doctor told me that my cervix is fucked up.
Uncomfortable-looking date: Right...
Tanorexic blonde on date: Yeah. Cunt told me that it'd be like pushing a baby through a toothpaste tube. I gotta go get it widened or some shit like that. Or that thing where they cut you open...
Uncomfortable-looking date: A caesarian?
Tanorexic blonde on date: Yeah. That's it. Baby kebab.
Leamington Spa
England
Eight-year-old girl, incredulously: You slept with him?
Schoolyard
Canadia
Overheard by: awesomepossum
Five-year-old boy to mom: Does it feel weird to have a vagina?
Mom: Well, I've had one my whole life, so it feels normal to me.
Five-year-old boy: I wish I knew what it felt like to have one!
Mom: I'm pretty sure you'll be a member of the LGBT community anyway, so maybe you'll find out.
Five-year-old boy: What's LGBT?
Mom: You'll find out soon enough, honey.
Five-year-old boy: That sounds really cool!
Roseville, California
Overheard by: Nature vs Nurture
Guy #1: I hate Dylan*, he's such a cock clock, you should hear what he did.
Guy #2, first loudly then quietly: No, I've got a story for you! (mumbles story really quietly then gets loud again) So, I mean, it wasn't rape, she totally wanted it, she just happened to fall asleep in the middle.
Guy #1: I don't think this conversation is really appropriate at Burger King, there's kids around.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Brit-ta-nee
Older woman: Want to go see the movie Babies tonight at 7:30?
Older man: Mmmmmmmmmmmm...
Older woman: It's too late for it to inspire us!
Coffee Shop
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Greg
Little girl on merry-go-round, addressing her horse: Go left!
Upstate New York
Overheard by: Coyote
Gay guy in fake British accent: Isn't it funny how people who want babies so badly can't have them, and other people who have a casual fuck pop them out like Pez dispensers?
Panera Bread
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: Cristina
Girl: I made out with a five-year-old orphan today.
Boy: Well, I guess that's a little better.
High School
Florida
Mother: Take off your backpack and put it on your lap.
Five-year-old boy: No.
Mother: Put your backpack on your lap.
Five-year-old boy: No! It will hurt my balls.
Streetcar
Toronto
Canadia
Mother: Hey kids, look at that woman. She's puking!
Kid: Mom, it's rude to point!
Mother: Move, she'll puke on you too!
Magic Kingdom
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: lolcopter
20-something boyfriend with arm around girlfriend: God, we've saved a fortune not buying condoms recently.
Girlfriend: Yeah, a few more years of this and a baby will have paid for itself!
Cork
Ireland
Dad: Okay kids, here's a penny for each of you! Throw it in the fountain and make a wish! Mark*, what did you wish for?
Mark*: A cupcake!
Dad: Okay! Joe*, what did you wish for?
Joe*: A garbage can!
Zoo
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Five-year-old boy, watching news about Priscilla Queen of the Desert on tv: Those ladies look very strange.
Dad: They're actually men dressed as ladies, Edward.
Five-year-old boy: I'm going to dress like that when I'm a man!
London
England
Overheard by: Murray
College girl to college guy: So you won't marry me but you'll procreate with me?
Glendale, Wisconsin
Little boy, pointing to a box of cereal: What's this?
Mom: Cocoa Krispies. It's chocolate-flavored Rice Krispies.
Little boy: Oh my god!
Stop & Shop
Mamaroneck, New York
Overheard by: Diana
Indian girl to friend: When I have a baby, I'm going to name it after my pet rock.
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Amanda
Pale girl: Sure, I'll go tanning with you. How much is it?
Dark girl: For the baby bed, only $7.
Pale girl: The baby bed? What's the baby bed?
Dark girl: What you need to do, girl!
Pale girl: Yeah, but do they, like... Put babies in it?
Drexel University
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: I wouldn't know either....
Little girl, holding mannequin's hand: Daddy! Daddy! Look!
Dad: Is that your new mommy?
Little girl, singing: No! She doesn't have a head!
Coralville, Iowa
Mom to eight-year-old son: Do you want pizza tonight?
Son: No! I can't eat that, I just got pregnant!
Naperville, Illinois
Tough, burly, tattooed mom: C'mon, honey, you'll like it!
Tearful four-year-old boy: I don't wanna!
Tough, burly, tattooed mom: Everyone loves the beer store! (pulls boy into beer kiosk)
Collingswood Auction
Farmingdale, New Jersey
Overheard by: not EVERYONE
Woman to screaming toddler in her arms: I'm not going to let you down unless you hold my hand. Are you going to hold my hand?
(toddler screams something unintelligible)
Woman: I'm sorry, I don't make the rules. They're the rules of the President of the United States of America.
Outlet Mall
Leesburg, Virginia
Teen girl: My dad bought me an iPhone but he took it away when he found my pot. I'm so pissed.
Emo teen: You live in Portland. Either you're gay, you enjoy molesting children, or you do every drug available for free. Or all of the above. What the hell does he expect of you?
Portland, Oregon
Man to two-year-old daughter: I drew a face with eyes, nose and mouth. Can you tell me what's missing?
Two-year-old daughter: The boogers in the nose!
Faulconbridge
Australia
Grungy young man, after loudly prattling on about drinking 12 Smirnoffs a day, weed, and massage therapy: I didn't believe in the inner-spiritual plane until I saw my unborn child's soul whisked away.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Anon Y. Mouse
Boy, screaming into pregnant mother's belly: We're going to give you up for adoption!
Tanger Outlet
Riverhead, New York
Overheard by: bemused
Target employee to another: The way the store is set up is to make the child misbehave and be tempted.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: hilary!
Overweight middle-aged woman, about infant crying non-stop: Oh my god, seriously, somebody just kill it.
Target
Norman, Oklahoma
Little girl, excitedly building snowman: Mommy, look, look! This could be his hat!
Mother: No, Shelly.
Little girl, dejectedly: But mommy...
Mother, exasperated: No! It's not even proportionate to the snowman!
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Only in Boston...
Girl #1: So my two-year-old cousin... You know, the one who laughs at me, and threw his bottle and his book at me?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: Well, this one time he like pushed me down on the floor, and like... licked my face.
Girl #2: Wow! Your two-year-old cousin is like a combination of all the boys you've met here.
London
Ontario
Canadia
Preschool teacher, helping girl go pee: Did you forget your underwear this morning?
Preschool girl: No, I go commando all the time!
Preschool in Oregon
Overheard by: Non-c
Four-year-old girl, pointing to reproduction of David statue: Is that statue made out of butter?
Small Town
Pennsylvania
Six-year-old boy: I French-kissed my girlfriend today!
17-year-old girl: What? French kissed? You're six!
Six-year-old boy: I still did it. She gave me her brush!
17-year-old girl: You're six! You shouldn't know what French kissing is!
Six-year-old boy: I watch Family Guy.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Mia
Teen mum #1 with baby in pushchair: Ah! Lovely baby boy! Who's the father?
Teen mum #2 with baby in pushchair: That scumbag from the pub a few months back.
Clothes Store
Dartford
England
30-something at table with friends: I'm telling you! Children are like one of those STDs that you have to live with for the rest of your life. They're like herpes or HIV. They will never, ever, ever go away. They will ruin your life.
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: So fucking teue
Seven-year-old boy to playmate: Oh, well, I can't. I've had five beers already.
Dallas, Texas
Student teacher: All right, guys, let's try that again. But this time with 30 to 40% less child death.
Clarksville, Maryland
Teacher holding VCR remote control: I keep hitting play, this stupid thing won't work. Must need new batteries.
(changes batteries)
Teacher: Damn thing still won't work, you'd think they would buy machines that work, how are you supposed to learn with such crappy materials?
Student in front row: Ummm... Is that the tape on top of the VCR?
Teacher: Goddamn it!
Manchester, New Hampshire
Mother in bathroom stall to small child: We can go soon, but first mommy has to go potty, then put her pants back on. Put her pants back on... That's the most important thing.
Puyallup, Washington
Overheard by: in the next stall...
Flippy haired kid: Dude, how can you drink coffee? You might as well be like, drinking the tears of Colombian slave children!
Los Angeles, California
30-something guy to seven-year-old kid: So even when you get older you will be spending a lot of time in stores waiting for women to shop... It's boring for us, but looking around and not buying anything is somehow fun for them.
Seven-year-old kid: Oh. You aren't American. Where you from?
30-something guy: I'm from Ireland.
Seven-year-old kid: Ireland? What do they speak there?
30-something guy: English.
Seven-year-old kid: You speak English?
30-something guy: Well, we're speaking English now.
Seven-year-old kid, incredulously: We are?
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Jack
Young mother on phone: Well, tell him if he's going to stay home and get drunk by himself then he can babysit for me.
Wisconsin
Overheard by: smirkburglar
Mother to toddler son, looking at cheese display: Look, charlie, Gruyere! Can you say "Gruyere"?
Whole Foods
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: GruyereLover
Four-year-old girl on push scooter, to mum: The steering is counter-intuitive!
Oxfordshire
England
Very pregnant woman surrounded by misbehaving children: Pregnancy is just such a gift. I mean, I feel so blessed. Like, this is what my body was made for, you know? I just feel so much more complete when I'm pregnant. Knowing that I'm growing this life...
Young woman behind her in line, interrupting: Madam? You are a walking advertisement for mandatory birth control.
Starbucks
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: The guy applauding her
Five-year-old boys, in unison, about female lion strutting around: The mamacita is awake! The mamacita is awake!
Harried mother: I said let's not say that word... Let's say "elfman" is awake!"
San Diego Zoo
California
16-year-old girl #1: I wanna wait to have kids, you know? But I don't wanna be old or anything. I think like 19 or somethin.
16-year-old girl #2: Yeah. Oscar wants to knock me up and I'm like "no bitch, I don't even have a license yet." We're thinking after I turn 18.
Los Angeles, California
Guy at door: Have you seen a line of marching band kids?
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: james
Ten-year-old boy: Dad, why are people clapping?
Father: Because the conductor entered the stage. It's respectful.
Ten-year-old boy: I personally don't believe in clapping for someone unless they've done something.
Tanglewood Music Center
Lenox, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Bystander girl
Very well-behaved boy: Mom, I have been so good lately, can I please get a toy?
Very patient mom: Do you have any money?
Very well-behaved boy: Um... no, but you do. I looked in your wallet this morning.
Very patient mom: That's snooping!
Very well-behaved boy: Well, daddy does it all the time!
Salem, New Hampshire
Overheard by: Jenna
Little boy witnessing a shiatsu massage: Mommy, why are they killing that man?
Toronto
Ontario
Canadia
Middle aged female client: You aren't going to find out the sex? How are you going to know what color to paint the nursery or what kind of baby clothes to get?
Pregnant 30-something hair stylist: Oh, please, like it matters what colors I choose. People aren't going to be wondering if it's a girl or a boy, anyway; they're going to wonder if it's an animal or a baby.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: jenc17
Dad: Buddy, you have to breathe. You can't hold your breath forever.
Son: No! I'm never going to breathe again. I hate it!
Dad: Sounds good.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: kaybay
Woman on cell: Did I tell you the baby died? No?! When did we last talk?
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Wil
Old Midwestern lady #1: All these kids bringing their videos games everywhere!
Old Midwestern lady #2: It's depressing! My son-in-law brings his laptop everywhere. Always on the internet.
Old Midwestern lady #1: Is he using one of those blueberries? Or blackpods?
Old Midwestern lady #2: I don't know, I'm just glad I'm old.
Newark, New Jersey
Overheard by: thankfully on a different flight
Middle-aged father to waitress, about loud toddler daughter: It's an emergency. We need some happy juice.
Restaurant
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: silver
Guy on bike to random guy: Hey, do you know where Saint pedophilia is?
Random guy: Where?
Guy on bike: Saint pedophilia. It's a Catholic church by Saint Thomas where the priests molest little boys and turn them into homosexuals. (bikes away)
Random guy, stunned: What the fuck was that?
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: well, that was odd
Little boy, desperately: I need to get out of here!
Kohl's Fitting Rooms
Georgia
Overheard by: Iris
Dad, changing son's diaper: Why don't you want to wear a diaper? You want to run around naked and piss and poop all over the floor?
Son: Yeah!
Dad: What are you, an anarchist?
New Jersey
Girl: When I see small children, I feel like I owe my mother an apology.
Baltimore, MD
Overheard by: Ren
Mother, queuing at nativity play: Well, of course, she was disappointed to be a shepherd. I mean, children are smart these days. She knows full well there weren't any female shepherds back then.
Milton Keynes
England
Five-year-old boy: There are moles in my bed that are all named Leroy. They keep me warm.
Eltham
Australia
Overheard by: martinasnape
Store employee: Would you like to try a free sample of hot cocoa?
Nine-year-old daughter, impatient: Come on, mom! We need to get to your appointment!
Mom: Shut up! There's always time for free cocoa. Here!
Nine-year-old daughter: I don't want any.
Mom: Then just shut up.
Minnetonka, Minnesota
Five-year-old daughter: Daddy, ask me some math questions.
Father: Okay, what is 4 x 4?
Five-year-old daughter: It's not 9!
Father: That's correct.
McDonald's
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Michael Moore
Little girl: Mom, can I buy that doll house?
Mom: No, you don't have enough money.
Daughter: Can't I just use my college money?
Mom: No.
Daughter: But I don't want to go to college, I want the doll house! I don't want to go to college!
Toy Store
Canadia
Boy #1: So, I never got what the difference was between liberals and conservatives.
Boy #2: Well, conservatives like big business, and liberals like communism.
Boy #1: Oh. What if I want to be both?
Boy #2: You can't be both. It's an on/off thing. Like, you're either pregnant or you're not. Or like you're Christian or you're Islam.
High School
Minnesota
Behavioral therapist, in very serious voice, to child with autism about animal crackers: Jason, put the elephant in your mouth!
Child's mother, laughing: How often do you honestly get to say that?
St. John's
Newfoundland
Canadia
Overheard by: aba therapist
Little boy to grandmother: My mommy's held a cow brain.
Borders Bookstore
Alameda, California
Overheard by: Lith
Six-year-old boy, firmly groping mannequin's backside: I'm popular! I'm popular! Look, mommy!
Flustered mom: Go be popular over there!
Morganton, North Carolina
Overheard by: Carla
Concerned father, giving advice to someone else's kid: I would strongly advise against eating gum found in the bathroom.
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Amanda Postel
Six-year-old, matter-of-factly when seeing fireworks go off at Magic Kingdom: They blew up Mickey... Now only Minnie is left.
Disneyworld Bus
Orlando, Florida
18-year-old guy to friend: If I liked kids, I would be celebrating mass at a Catholic church.
Mexico City
Mexico
Overheard by: Kafnut
Mother, chasing fleeing toddler across library: Stop! Come back! You have separation anxiety!
Christchuch
New Zealand
Overheard by: I suspect it's the other way around...
Little boy, pointing to tourist: Mom! I can't get on because the American will eat me!
Philippines
Middle aged woman with grandchildren, at 11:30 am: I just took the kids out to breakfast and now I need to go home and have me a Jack Daniels.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: Les
Older woman: Susie's daughter adopted two little Guatemalites... Guatemalians?
Younger woman: Guatemalans.
Older woman: Yeah, you know, from Guatemalia.
Younger woman: Uhhhh...
Sacramento, California
Aunt: Jared*, put the toy back. We are going to go over to K-Mart, because they have a better selection.
Four-year-old: I don't want to go to K-Mart, auntie! There's too many white people over there!
Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: His (embarassed) Mother
Middle-aged man: So the other day my friend asked me to borrow some porn tapes. He said he needed to teach his son about the birds and the bees.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: the wirled
Exasperated little boy to mother: No, it's not a version, it's a virgin, with a "g"!
Redlands, California
Eight-year-old boy: Hey dad, can I get deodorant?
Father: Uh, sure.
Eight-year-old boy: Yesssss!
A&P Supermarket
Totowa, New Jersey
Little girl to mother, passing brand new cherry red Porsche Carrera GT convertible: Mama, why is everyone looking at that car?
Mother: Because it's very special.
Little girl: Can I get one?
Mother: Only if you marry well, dear.
Durham, North Carolina
Woman to five-year-old daughter in elevator: You're getting off at the wrong floor, sweetie. This is the wrong floor... The wrong floor... The wrong floor! God, do you ever listen to me?
Five-year-old daughter: I'm trying not to.
Mackinac Island, Michigan
Overheard by: laughing
Six-year-old girl: Are you doing your job?
Lifeguard: Are you drowning?
Six-year-old girl: No.
Lifeguard: Then I'm doing my job.
Kiddie Pool
Great Neck, New York
Babe: Don't look to me to be the voice of reason: I own roller skates!
Newtown
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: smu
Woman #1: So you're going to name your son Jesus?
Woman #2: Why not? People name their kids "Messiah," and it means the same damn thing.
Alabama
Overheard by: Matthew Roberts
Little boy throwing fit: I've never had dessert in my life! I don't even know what it tastes like!
Outside Cookie Store
Kingsport, Tennessee
Child of privileged hipster: I'm into capitalism too. Just not, like, evil capitalism.
Oakland, California
Mother to screaming child: Look, if it were up to me, you could watch all the porn you want.
Highlands Ranch, Colorado
Mom to preteen son: If you don't straighten up your act, I'm sending you back to school with all Hannah Montana notebooks!
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: that'll teach him
Mom to two little kids sitting directly behind her on the train: Do you feel a little bit better now that you've got slight independence?
Disneyland
Anaheim, California
Overheard by: They were the best behaved children there that day.
Crying girl: I have always wanted to have kids, you know? Now I can't.
Friend: It's really not that bad.
Crying girl: No, the doctor said I can never get pregnant!
Friend: Look at it this way: you can have tons of sex and never have to worry about it. I think it's a pretty sweet deal!
Random guy: I agree with you, sista.
San Francisco, California
Little girl: And then we had orgies.
Mother, very calmly: No honey, we had origami.
Florida
Child eating skeleton fruit snacks: Mommy, look! I'm eating a boner!
Disney World
Florida
Little girl: Ah, Mexican and Chinese food. Two great European tastes.
Highlands Ranch, Colorado
Overheard by: Julia
White mother to white toddler son: You're going to be black by the time we leave!
Grand Sierra Resort Pool
Reno, Nevada
Little girl to mom: But I am getting real good! Yesterday I didn't get any poop on my hand!
Public Restroom
Iceland
Five-year-old girl, pointing at store window: Balls!
Young mom: That's right honey, those are balls, but you ate your balls, huh?
Five-year-old girl: I ate my balls!
Buffalo, New York
Two-year-old: Mommy!
Tired teen girl: I'm not your mommy.
Two-year-old: Daddy?
Preschool
Denver, Colorado
Little girl: He's drunk, I swear!
Teenage sister: He's not drunk, he's a foreigner.
Highlands Ranch, Colorado
Overheard by: Julia
New Yorker, trying to get through a crowd of people blocking aisle: Excuse me. Excuse me! Excuse me!
Confused little boy: I already moved.
New Yorker: Oh, I know you have, dear. I was talking to your fat-ass mother.
Grocery Store
Austin, Texas
Staff man: Yeah, she was freaking out. But the mouse had some babies before it passed...
Warped Tour
Columbia, Maryland
Little boy walking with two little girls: I think we should all hold hands. I think that I should be in the middle so you can both hold my hand.
Keene, New Hampshire
Five-year-old girl, about fountain in outside eating area: Oh! High drama!
Bellevue, Nebraska
Overheard by: Cortny
Three-year-old to parents: Jesus is mean.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Little girl, singing: You got a fat butt, you got a fat butt!
Mother: Now sweetie, that's not nice to say about mommy.
Little boy: But its true!
Dressing Room
Union, New Jersey
Overheard by: Sarah
Father to three-year-old daughter, after she took her shirt off: Just like your mother.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: is that how you met her?
Three-year-old daughter, passing Catholic church: Dead people live there.
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Joe Oxford
Five-year-old little boy to grandmother: If I ever meet George Bush, I'm going to kick him in the balls.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: trying not to laugh parent
Girl #1: Oh my god! Look at the little toddler snowsuits!
Girl #2: Will one of you please get knocked up?
Amherst, Massachusetts
Pilot #1: He flew to Myrtle Beach to meet some girl he met online. We were expecting to find him naked in a bathtub full of ice missing a kidney.
Flight attendant: Who would want his kidney? He's so short!
Pilot #2: Hey, kids need kidneys too! Little kids!
Atlanta, Georgia
Little boy, wearing high heels: I'm bigger! I'm bigger!
Southern California
Emphatic girl: Babies can't watch porn!
Smith College
Northampton, Massachusetts
Overheard by: TARDIS Dyke
Young dude in car to children getting off school bus: You are the future!
Westport, Connecticut
Overheard by: Elisabeth
Three-year-old boy to mom, noticing police officers nearby: Don't do anything bad while you're here. Okay, mom?
Mom: Okay.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: an amused barista.
Bleached blonde sorority chick: If she doesn't abort it, we're totally throwing her a baby shower!
University
Midwest
Overheard by: GDI