Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | Topics

From Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Giving Head

Girl #1: Well, you know she gave that guy a blow job when three other people were in the room. Someone was bound to find out.
Girl #2: I've never even done it in front of people.
Girl #1: Me either, I'm not that slutty.
Younger girl with them: Oh, guess just me then?
Girl #1: You gave someone a blowjob with people watching?!
Younger girl: Uh, yeah. Back when I was 15 and drunk.
Girl #1: I'm your aunt: should you really have told me that, McSlutty?

Park
San Diego, California

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And He Was All, "But I'm Just the Babysitter!"

Lady to friend: So I told him... ten dollars for a hand job!
Friend: Good for you! What an asshole!

Ashland & North Ave
Chicago, Illinois

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This Concludes My Essay on "Who I Admire Most"

High school student: She's a two faced bitch, but not in a bad way.

Shout-out: overheardlines.blogspot.com

Overheard by: emily

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Lady, You Live in the Wrong Fucking State

Older woman working out with personal trainer: I'm almost 70 years old. Ask me how much I care how I look. I don't even have a mirror in my bathroom. I was just interested in a chemical peel. They wanted to roll my skin up over my head, take out the fat, then roll it down again, not to mention take out my liver and kidney. And the woman that's dragging me around to this stuff? She's a gusher. I hate gushers. She says: "We'll go through this together". She says: "Ask the gods." Can you imagine me asking the gods for a facelift? What blasphemy. She says: "Tell me about yourself". I say: "You mean the heroin addiction?" She says: "Really?" I say: "Yeah, it was after my two daughters were born, when I started robbing banks to support us." Honestly, everything has to be so sordid before someone will listen to you. You have to have an incestuous affair or something. When in reality, I work all day, then come home and watch TV like the rest of the human race.

Women's gym
Studio City, California

Overheard by: Trying not to howl with laughter

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Like Putting Mayo on French Fries

Jock on cell: I bet he's a lame fuck. He wouldn't do any of that weird stuff you like.

Barton Springs Pool
Austin, Texas

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So I'm Sorry I Did That, Amber

English teacher: Calling someone a douche is not a constructive comment, even if it's true.

Flora High School
Columbia, South Carolina

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How You Know This Wasn't Overheard in New York

Red-faced man, shouting furiously into cell: Now you listen to me you... (sees small children nearby) pluck-arsed parrot.

Gouger Street, Adelaide, South Australia

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Elmer and Mrs Fudd Are Justifiably Proud of Their Daughter

PSU freshman (attempting to flirt): Wow, that's an amazing accent! Is it British?
Cute freshman who says Rs like Ws: Actually, it's a speech impediment.

Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com

Overheard by: ellen

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Especially the One from Little House on the Prairie

Very obnoxious drunk man to long-suffering waitress: Hey, what's your name, anyway?
Waitress (coldly): Melissa.
Drunk man (softly): Awww, my daughter's name is Melissa.
Waitress: Well, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but we usually turn out slutty.

Bar
Los Angeles, California

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My Technique's Right Out Of The Shaolin Cookbook

Girl on bus: So, I'm like: "Bitch, you can't question my big fork usage!"

99 Bus
Vancouver
Canadia

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It's Hard to Be Sure, but I Think I Won

College girl: And then she got all high and mighty about it. She was like: "Remember when you passed out in my bathroom? I do!" And I was like: "Remember when you were born and looked like a man? I do!"

Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York

Overheard by: Russ

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Ever Wonder What Happens to the Child Actors on SVU?

Mother to impatient son: Do you want to show me how you count?
Five-year-old: Ok. One. Two. Three. Fuck.
Mother: What!? Adam*, you know you're not supposed to say...
Four-year-old: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Mother: Adam*, I said stop! That's a very, very bad word.
Four-year-old, putting hands on ears: You fuck, you fuck, you fuck.

Holt Renfrew
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: M

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It Was More of a Poem, Really

Guy: So I fell asleep in bio today and when I woke up this bitch was watching me.
Girl: Good story.
Guy: And then I sneezed.
Girl: [Laughs.] Wait, that was actually part of your story?

Hoboken, New Jersey

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Dude, You Suck at the Dozens

Young thug #1: Your momma is a rat.
Young thug #2: At least she isn't a hood rat like your momma.
Young thug #1: Well at least everyone who is with my momma has a good time. I should know, I hear it.

Galleria
White Plains, New York

Overheard by: annoying blonde girl

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According to Our Bible --the Josie and the Pussycats Movie

Tween girl #1: Oh my god... You look so orange in that picture!
Tween girl #2: Bitch.
Tween girl #1: No! It's a good thing! Orange is the new pink!

Switzerland

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And You Could Actually Sing

Guy to girl: You know, Mandy Moore made a bad decision going brunette. Now she looks like you, if you were a crack whore.

Oberlin College
Oberlin, Ohio

Overheard by: emily

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Those Poopyheads Have Already Exhausted Their Five Minutes of Fame

College girl: There, I've belittled and insulted The View without using the word "bitch" or the c-word.

Student Center, Montclair State University
New Jersey

Overheard by: ...and that itself is a feat

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You Just Say That Because You're Failing Calculus

Undergrad: The whole reason I like the book was, like, because Isaac Newton is so badass!
Friend: I thought he was, like, an asshole.
Undergrad: No!

Carnegie Mellon University
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: whatgoesup

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Rain on Your Wedding Day, for Instance, Is Just Good Luck

[At computer lab.]
Student #1: Try looking up "irony-", that might work.
Student #2: Irony isn't even a word, idiot.

Royalton, Minnesota

Overheard by: Lynn

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Freud: I'm Not Even Sure What She Wants

Girl #1: Yeah, that's not cool, but I understand. He sounds very immature.
Girl #2: He is. It's such a shame. I laid in bed last night reminiscing about the time I spent with him in bed. It's like I can still feel it. Too bad he's such an asshole, and too bad that good dick makes me so... not able to accept what a douchebag a guy really is.

Atlanta, Georgia

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Just the Guy We've Been Looking For!

Scientologist: Excuse me, sir. Would you like a free personality test from the Church of Scientology?
Suit: I don't need one. My wife says I'm an asshole.

Outside Church of Scientology, Yonge Street
Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: lauren mcgoldrick

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Delta Burke Saw His Point

Bum women: Do you have bus fare? I need bus fare.
Woman: Sorry, I don't have any change.
Bum: Well, fuck you, you fat, scheming, cheap bitches!

Main Street
Hartford, Connecticut

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Which Was "No Upper-Body Strength"

Female student #1: Eeew, she has a rolling backpack, you know what that means...
Female student #2: Whore?
Female student #1: Absolutely not what I was going to say.

San Francisco, California

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No Good Ever Comes of Communication

Wife: Do you like my new hairstyle?
Husband: Yep.
Wife: That's it? Just "yep"?
Husband: Looks very different. It'll be like having sex with another woman.
Wife: Asshole! Should have kept my mouth shut.
Husband: Yep.

Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: Shatmandu

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Now In Stores, Ghetto Booty Barbie

Girl: Everyone knows Barbie is disproportional. Look! She has no butt! And her waist is tiny.
[Pause.]
Professor: I bet black Barbie has a big butt.

Los Angeles, California

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The San Francisco Equivalent of a Nice Dinner and Jewelry

Angry suit on cell: I cleaned out my ass for you, bitch!

On the Street
San Francisco, California

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Fred Discovers Urine in the Ball Pit

Guy shaking his fist: Damn you, Chuck E. Cheese!

New Jersey

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Good Thing Pluto Didn't Hear That

Chocolate store girl: You're a dicksucker. You know that? I mean, why bother with you? You seen my ass, you know I'm good-looking. You're-.
Guy in Goofy costume, muffled: Whatever. There are other tits. I'll be just fine regardless. And just so you know [lowers voice as kids approach] you're gonna get us both fired if you keep this shit up.
Chocolate store girl, loudly: Fuck you, and fuck your fucking ass! I hope you get fired! Then you can go home and suck your asshole!
Guy in Goofy costume, losing it: Better than sucking your ex's dick when you're supposed to be working.
Chocolate store girl, stunned: Who told you that?!
Guy in Goofy costume: Jen, after I fucked her!
[Girl walks into the shop quickly and goes into back room looking like she's going to cry. Goofy goes back to wandering around aimlessly, waving to little kids.]

Disney World
Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: after that, my g/f and i applied for jobs there

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Remember How I Said I Couldn't Come to Class Yesterday Morning Because I Was "Tied Up"?

Professor: Never spend the night with a Croatian! Those guys are fucked up.

Hartford, Connecticut

Overheard by: Claire

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Kinda Misleading That His Name's Mario, Though

Teen girl #1: Your dad could be a plumber because of his moustache.
Teen girl #2: My dad doesn't have a moustache.
Teen girl #1: Well I wish he did.
Teen girl #2: Too bad, bitch!

North Bay
Ontario
Canadia

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Is the Moral of the Ant and Grasshopper Story

Lecturer: People who are happy, hopeful, and relaxed... are a pain in the ass.

Auckland
New Zealand

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So Maybe She Needed Out-of-This-World Sex

Guy on cell: Yeah, I hooked up with her. [pause] I fucked her. She was tight. [pause] She hasn't called me back. I don't get why it's so hard to take five seconds out of your day to see how I'm doing. [pause] She's, like, Asian. Half Asian and half alien.

Barnes & Noble
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Hobo

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In Some Cultures, That's the Highest Compliment

Drunk girl yelling to bald guy from car window: You left your toupee in my vagina!

Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Paige & Liz

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To Recap: I Rock, You Suck for Money, I Get Laid for Free

Ex-husband: I can't believe you brought a date to our divorce hearing.
Ex-wife: Fuck you! You hooked up with a girl in court.
Ex-husband: I didn't "hook-up" with her, we made plans for lunch today.
Ex-wife: And that's better?
Ex-husband: Actually, it's quite impressive. I rock, you suck, I'm getting laid tonight.
Ex-wife: I got laid last night.
Ex-husband: That's because you are a dirty hooker.

San Diego Family Court
San Diego, California

Overheard by: Sean

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Then Wouldn't "Tight Asshole" Be Kinder?

Girl: So then I was about to call him a giant asshole, but I figured he'd take it as a compliment...
Guy: I get it! It's because he's gay!

University of Alabama
Alabama

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If You Need a Longer Break, "Fluffy Pink Clouds 101" Is Right Down the Hall

Linda: Ugh, this class is so depressing!
Professor: Let's all take ten seconds to think about baby lambs to make Linda feel happy. [pause] Okay, back to Terri Schiavo!

Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York

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It Doesn't Translate Well

Muslim girl: Ramadan Mubarak!
Girl: What does that mean?
Muslim girl: It means, like, "Yay, it's Ramadan!"
Girl: So, like ... "Yay, I'm not eating or having sex most of the day!"?

Ottawa
Canadia

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