Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | Topics

Just As Long As I Get the Obligatory Milkbone

Girl: Well, the sad thing is I'm gonna have to treat you like Morgan when she doesn't want to take her ear infection pills.

Smith College
Northampton, Massachusetts

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On the Other Hand, Now She Can Totally Come Clubbing with Us!

Girl to friend: Well, if she's dumb enough to use chloroform to put her baby to sleep, then that's her fault!

Virginia Commonwealth University

Overheard by: tim c

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Acute Infection's Not All That Cute

Drunk gay guy in pub garden, at top of voice: So I got hepatitis c when I was fisting this guy... There was blood everywhere.

Leamington Spa
England

Overheard by: Bleep

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Are We Weird for Assuming They're Discussing Abortion?

Chatty female college student to friends: So it was sort of like that, except instead of a q-tip, it was a vacuum. There was no scraping at all.
Friend: Wow... that's crazy.

Harrisonburg, Virginia

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Tonight's Movie: The Object Of My Infection

Teen girl on phone: The chlamydia is inclusive.

Nashville, Tennessee

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Who Says Today's Young Men Aren't Philosophers?

Guy #1: Yo, dawg, you got herpes. You got herpes, dawg!
Guy #2: Well, you got HIV!
Guy #1: Herpes is worse, dawg!
Guy #2: No, it ain't!

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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Don't Think I Didn't Learn About Heteronormativity in Preschool

Young boy to mother, after getting cup of tea: Oh, what's this? A cup of tea for me? Are you married? Pah! I don't want your married germs!

Akaroa French Fest
New Zealand

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...I Want a Postcard!

Woman, dropping friend off at airport, then heading to doctor's office: Enjoy your two weeks in France.
Friend: Thanks, enjoy your colonoscopy.

Airport
Ithaca, New York

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Why Google Exists.

Fashionable girl on cell: Do you think you can catch pink eye from getting poop in your eye?

Chicago, Illinois

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After He Rejected My Floss Bouquet

Girl to friend: I love him. I just want to clean his teeth, I sent him that in a message on MySpace, you know.

Pantages Theatre
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Juicetine

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You Can't Tell the Serial Killers from the Doctors Without a Program

Sally's* uncle: How did Sally enjoy her night observing an ambulance crew?
Sally's mum: She said it was pretty boring. Not nearly enough blood and gore. She did get to kill a guy, though.
Sally's uncle: She what?
Sally's mum: They picked up a guy who was having a heart attack. The paramedic had Sally do something with the patient, and he died. She says it took him too long to die and she got bored waiting.

Restaurant
Auckland
New Zealand

Overheard by: KiwiBloke

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Apparently Medicare and Social Security Don't Count

Guy behind deli counter: Does anyone need any help?
Old man #1: What about psychiatric help?
Old man #2: Are you giving or receiving?
Old man #1: I'm on the receiving end of everything. Except taxes!

Gene's Fine Foods
Saratoga, California

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"Remember?" Are You Fucking Kidding?

Guy sitting on bench: So can I borrow your crack pipe tomorrow?
Girl sitting next to him: No, it's dirty, remember? I still need to wash it out.

Tempe, Arizona

Overheard by: Travis

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Gosh, I Miss Circuit Parties.

Nurse #1: Constipated and a lot of bloody stool.
Nurse #2: (laughs uproariously)

North Shore Hospital
Long Island, New York

Overheard by: Ladle

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...So I'm Incapable Of Having Linear Conversations Right Now.

Woman #1: How's your health?
Woman #2: Oh, starting to get better. I'm okay.
Woman #1: Our cat is sick. We had to bring her to the vet.

Los Angeles, California

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Even Though They Put the "Ass" in Potassium?

Guy: I'm going to sneeze!
Girl, getting in his face: Think about bananas! Think about bananas! You won't sneeze.
Religion professor: Just like thinking about bananas won't get you pregnant...

College
Rock Island, Illinois

Overheard by: I like bananas....

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Isn't That a Song from Rent?

Guy #1: Yeah, getting crabs would suck.
Guy #2: Totally. But Aids would suck worse. There's no shampoo for Aids.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: too soon? I think so

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Don't Even Get Them Started on the Pussy Products.

Little girl: Can I have the nose now?
Guy: Yeah, sure, it probably has everyone's snot on it now, though.
Older girl: Ew! Oh my gosh, mental image!
Guy: What do you want me to say? I'm speaking their language.
Older girl: Say "nose... products." It has "nose products."
Guy, laughing hysterically: Nose products?
Older girl: Yes, nose products.
Little girl, holding out fake vampire teeth: Here, take my mouth products.

Kids' Playground
Manhattan, New York

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Is That a Baby Bird in Your Bangs?

30-something #1: Last night I was brushing my hair, cause you know I haven't owned a hair brush in a year... And all these sticks and grass and dirt kept falling out.
30-something #2: You are a dirty hippie, you need to use some soap!
30-something #1: I don't like labels, man. I don't have soap.
30-something #2: True, man, labels are whack. But dude, you smell.

Hostel
New Mexico

Overheard by: Alex

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Jared Took Silver at the TMI Olympics

Boy, returning from the washroom: I had the mini-barfs!

Sam Woo Restaurant
Mississauga
Canadia

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I Think I've Seen This Episode Of Roseanne...

Woman entering stall to daughter: See you in an hour. (ten seconds later, from inside stall) You know... People are gross. (another 10 seconds later) Okay, I'm over the toilet!
Daughter: Shhh!

White Plains, New York

Overheard by: L-Dawg

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Things Nobody Else Tells You, Dear Reader

Man to friend: I think the worst part about this whole cancer thing is that his smell has changed.

Boston, Massachusetts

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And, to Be Fair, I Borrowed Them from Some Girl on the Bus

Girl #1: So, I wore your underwear the other day.
Girl #2: Well, at least they were clean. I just washed them.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: mitch

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This Quote Is Better Birth Control Than a Condom

Scruffy ponytail dude on cell: Is the dog oozing or pulsing? Tell your brother to stop squeezing the guinea pig, I can hear it squealing! (pause) Yes I can! Yes I can, Ruth*! (pause) Oh, sorry, I guess grandma sneezing does sound like the guinea pig... Just wrap the dog in a towel and I'll be home in an hour.

Tampa, Florida

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Is It Wrong That We Kinda Do?

Drunk girl: So, I wrote a folk song about Christopher Reeves. Post-paralysis, pre-death. So, it's not quite as depressing. Wanna hear it?

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: uhhh yes

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Meet Berkeley's Best Improvisational Lear

Furious hobo in tie-dye to frightened college student: You know why girls wear perfume and makeup? Because they're ugly and they stink! God bless you.

Berkeley, California

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That Must Be It!

Guy #1: These glasses hurt my eyes.
Guy #2: But there aren't even any lenses in them!

St. Peter's College
New Jersey

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We Suspect Richard Simmons Is Gathering Strength Somewhere, Waiting for His Next Moment.

Physical therapy student: So he's gotten a *lot* more fit in the last 300 years, right?

Simmons College
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Yoshi

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And Don't Even Get Me Started on Mullets.

Loud black guy at pharmacy counter to friend: You know why they got that, right? (points to sign about restrictions on liquid cough medicine sales) Cos people are using them to make methamphetamine. Mm-hmm, if you mix that up you can make methamphetamine. (looks around, whispers to friend, they laugh) You don't see any brothers doing that shit, that's all I'm saying.

CVS
New Rochelle, New York

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Steroids? Discuss.

Old sweaty guy to gym owner: Bob*, did you know there's something wrong with one of your balls?
Gym owner: Which one?
Old sweaty guy: The little blue one. It's half deflated.
Gym owner: Oh, that one. It's always had problems. People keep doing stupid things with it.

Gym
Blue Mountains
Australia

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And Yet We Soldier Bravely On

Suit #1: Yeah mate, it was fucking wild...
Suit #2: Oh yeah?
Suit #1: Yeah, took her back to mine. She's a skank. I swear there were spiders crawling out of her vag.

Leamington Spa
England

Overheard by: Bleep

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Translation: Top That, Motherfucker!

Amherst girl to Dartmouth guy, discussing Hillel dinners at Harvard: I turned down a position at Massachusetts General Hospital because they don't have squash courts.

Commuter Rail Train
Boston, Massachusetts

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Your Assignment: Fill That Cavity

Sex ed teacher, drawing something in red marker: It looks like a tooth, but... (continues drawing) ...it's supposed to be a uterus!

UW Rock County
Janesville, Wisconsin

Overheard by: Aku

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Which, Incidentally, Is Also the Title Of My Autobiography.

British girl: That being said, I don't worry about hiccups much, but I do worry about life a lot.

United Flight
Yerevan
Armenia

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What Is This, Degrassi?

Female student: Uh... I think we left off on the hymen.
Sex ed teacher: Oh, we're going there.

Janesville, Wisconsin

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Are You a Happy Cramper?

Girl, bursting into meeting: I just caught my period, yo!
Administrator, looking up: Congratulations?

Manhattan, New York

Overheard by: Me

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...Is the Gist Of My Anthropology Paper.

Bro: We don't put shaving cream on our dicks, we put it on our faces.

Illinois State University

Overheard by: Eddy

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Another Soccer Hooligan Comes to a Bad End

Ned to another, in thick Scottish accent: My pal's not well. His brain doesn't float around. It's stuck to his head, like.

Bus
Edinburgh
Scotland

Overheard by: Still wondering what it could be

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...And I'm Usually Into 20-Something Honduran Men...

Law student: So, listen. He went to get a manicure the other day and I was like, you know, "how was it?" He was like, "oh, it was good and all, but she was rubbing my arm and I kinda started getting turned on." And I was like, "what?" He said "yeah, and it was kinda weird because she was this 50-year-old Asian woman."

Mississippi College School of Law

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...That's Sick!

Tiny black girl: And then I had to have Buckley's, and you know what? It tastes exactly like jizz.
Asian girl, perplexed: You've had Buckley's?

Pub
Toronto
Canadia

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...When He Learns to Make a Decent Sandwich.

Black girl #1: He made me a BLT with avocado.
Black girl #2: And then he passed out?
Black girl #1: No. First, I told him to bang me like a screen door in a hurricane, then he passed out.
Black girl #2: You're always stressing out that skinny white boy.
Black girl #1: Haha, yeah. I should marry him.

Bridgeport, Connecticut

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...They Turned Him Into a Wind Instrument!

Hipster guy to two girls with horrified looks on their faces: So it had been like a zit or a boil when he was seventeen, but because it never got treated... There was, like, a tunnel, and then... (passes out of earshot)

The Danforth
Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: wondering what the hell came after the tunnel

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Excellent Neck Rotation-- I Commend You

Middle-aged woman to group of friends: I was possessed once, too.
Group, murmuring: Really? When? What happened?
Middle-aged woman: Oh yeah, when I was in hospital. And I know because I went like this: wluuuhhhhh!

Alberta
Canadia

Overheard by: Jane

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Kermit: It's Not Easy Oozing Green

Bartender #1: Yeah, so I had this weird shit comin' outta my dick. It was sick, dude. Like this funky green pus-like shit oozing from the tip. Smelled like shit, too.
Bartender #2: Dude, you need to quit boning so many filthy whores. You're like rotting from the inside.
Bartender #1: Shit, man, I don't give a fuck. As long as I keep gettin' laid.
Bartender #2: You ain't gonna be doin' shit if your fuckin' nasty dick falls off.
Bartender #1: I know, right? This last chick I nailed was a total slut. I pulled down my pants and she could smell whatever's up with my cock. She goes "Ew, what stinks? Is that your dick?" And I go, "No, it's my feet, I swear!" Then I just pulled her towards me and shoved it in. It was awesome.
Bartender #2: Fuck, man. Something's definitely wrong with you.

Gaithersburg, Maryland

Overheard by: Nasty Nate

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Or Whatever This Is in My Eye

16-year-old: Mom, if you don't have herpes, why'd I find Valtrex in your purse?
Mother, seriously: I got Valtrex from the eye doctor for my yeast infection, Kim*.

Illinois

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Acck, There's One in My Pants! Get It Out! Get It Out!

Screaming woman, surrounded by children: I haven't breast fed in months! Why won't they leave me alone?!

Philadelphia Zoo
Pennsylvania

Overheard by: mammophile

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Not During?

Incredibly drunk sorority girl to boyfriend: Sweetie, can we throw up before we do it tonight?

UBC
Vancouver
Canadia

Overheard by: The only sober guy on the bus

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

You Always Show Me Up, Peggy

Whiny-voiced 20-something: My period showed up two days early and ruined my weekend plans with that guy I was seeing.
20-something with baby: My period showed up two weeks late, stuck me with this, and ruined my life. Pass me one of those shirts in a medium?

Springfield, Illinois

Overheard by: Katie F

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Meant SkyMall Magazine, but Whatever

Newbie guy on airplane: What's this?
Female friend: For your entertainment.
Newbie guy: Ooooh! Barf bag!

Washington International Airport
Baltimore, Maryland

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Who Invited Her?

Drunk guy #1: So what you're saying is, we rip the spine out of a dog?
Drunk guy #2: Yeah, but then you put a robotic spine in. You could get a remote-controlled dog.
Drunk guy #1: Shit, we could control its bark function.
Drunk girl: And make it ski.

Leamington Spa
England

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Goodness, Just Look at the Time!

Tanorexic blonde on date: So basically the fucking doctor told me that my cervix is fucked up.
Uncomfortable-looking date: Right...
Tanorexic blonde on date: Yeah. Cunt told me that it'd be like pushing a baby through a toothpaste tube. I gotta go get it widened or some shit like that. Or that thing where they cut you open...
Uncomfortable-looking date: A caesarian?
Tanorexic blonde on date: Yeah. That's it. Baby kebab.

Leamington Spa
England

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Homophobos, One Of Mars' Moons, Duh

Girl #1: I'm a carrier for hemophilia.
Girl #2: You're homophobic? That's fucked up!
Girl #1: What the fuck are you talking about?

Eugene, Oregon

Overheard by: Spencer and Kevin

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Would Enjoy Crying During My TV News Interview

High school senior girl #1: Where's Meg*?
High school senior girl #2: Getting her wisdom teeth out.
High school senior girl #1: Don't some people die from that?
High school senior girl #2: Maybe she will die.
High school senior girl #1: You'd like that, wouldn't you?

New Jersey

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I Also Don't Believe in the Existence Of John and Kate

Suspicious wife: Hey, didn't you tell me that mermaids don't really exist?
Husband: Yes. And I stand by that.
Suspicious wife: Then how cone they had a show on TLC called Mermaid Girl and it was all about a girl who was a real mermaid?
Husband: They aren't talking about the kind of mermaid that you're thinking of! It's probably just a girl with her legs fused together or something. The mermaids you're thinking of don't exist and they never have!
Suspicious wife: They exist. You lied to me!

Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: Momo

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Oooh, Blood!

Mother: Hey kids, look at that woman. She's puking!
Kid: Mom, it's rude to point!
Mother: Move, she'll puke on you too!

Magic Kingdom
Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: lolcopter

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Ad: Maybe She's Bored With It, Maybe It's Heroin

Girl #1: Why did they all look at you like you were on heroin?
Girl #2: I don't know. I always act like I am on heroin, but I just take Xanax.

Mall
Virginia

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Your Editors Agree, at Least in Principle

20-something on cell: So I said to her, "I don't care if you are my stepsister: if you shaved it, I want to see it!"

San Francisco, California

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Then They Die

Girl #1: Corey's* got a treatment scheduled for Monday.
Girl #2: What's wrong with him?
Guy: Nothing.
Girl #1: He's got cancer.
Guy: He's fine. People get cancer all the time.

Nicholls State University
Thibodaux, Louisiana

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...According to Miss Manners.

Girl #1: Oh, I like your jacket.
Girl #2: Thanks, it's not mine, Julie loaned it to me. Thank god she did, because she puked on mine.
Girl #1: Is that why she loaned it to you?
Girl #2: No, I didn't tell her she puked on mine. It's not really cool to bring up stuff people did when they were having a seizure.

Cork
Ireland

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The Two Types Of Party Girl, in a Nutshell

Brunette at party: We need more vodka!
Blonde: I have Ativan.

San Francisco, California

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The Episode Of MacGuyver I'd Pay to See

Weird lady getting her hair cut: The nail just wouldn't stay down on my toe. So because it was all loose, junk kept getting in there. The doctor basically told me that junk would just keep getting in there.
Stylist: Wow!
(a minute later)
Weird lady getting her hair cut: If I could have one of those guys do my wedding, I'd be all like, "here's a doily and a paper cup, see what you can do."
Stylist: Yeah.
Weird lady getting her hair cut: I mean if you can't have a bangin wedding in Puerto Rico, you might as well see what you can get from a doily and a paper cup here.
Stylist: Yeah.

Supercuts
Pennsylvania

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Weirdest. Job Interview. Ever.

Man on cell in very quiet bus: Look. I took the pills, I put the powder in my pants, I don't have cooties anymore!

Bus
Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Kat from Tacoma

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That Was a One-time Political Statement.

Girl #1: Did you finish your French project?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: Did you puke on it?
Girl #2: No, not this time.

Laguna Hills, California

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Slow It Is, Sir

Surgeon: Hey, I need to change the big, sticky plastic dressing on your arm. Wanna go slow or do it in one fell swoop?
Patient, looking at dressing covering length of arm: Nahhh, that ain't gon' be no wonton soup...

Jamaica Hospital

Overheard by: MS3

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And Perhaps Buy a Special Bra.

Girl to friends: Mine is, like, nubby!
Friend: You should probably get that checked out...

Culver, Indiana

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How Hard Is That?

Old woman, yelling: Did you remember to put Viagra on the list?
Old man, yelling, very annoyed: Of course I did!
Old woman, yelling: Well, I don't know! You forgot to put milk on the list!

Mall
New Hampshire

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I Mean, You Have to Have Priorities, Right?

Female health care professional: I was taking prenatal vitamins, but it made my hair grow really fast, and when I bleached my hair and it grew out too fast it looked really bad, so I stopped taking them.

Seattle, Washington

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But Would We Call It a "Barf Book" or a "Ralph Rag"?

Party girl #1: I totally puked at that party last night. I'm going to make a scrapbook of all the parties I have puked at.
Party girl #2: That would be awesome! You definitely have enough for a scrapbook or two!

IHOP
Dallas, Texas

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I'm Not Ready for 3D TV

Blonde, on childbirth: Well, there's blood, and there are vaginas, and both make people uncomfortable.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

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What With Original Sin and So Forth

Son: I just feel so filthy after I go on the T. Can I please have some hand sanitizer, father?
Father: (silently hands it to son)
Son: Am I being paranoid?
Father: You're not being paranoid, Jonathan, you're being practical.

Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Laura

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What Orgies at Nursing Homes Sound Like

Girl: Do you have selective hearing?
Guy: No, I just really like this sandwich.

St. Peter's College
Jersey City, New Jersey

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You'll Never Find Love With Food in Your Teeth

Hobo: Do you know what the world needs more of?
Coffee employee: Love?
Hobo: Nope, toothpicks... but love was a good guess.

Sacramento, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Best. Reality Competition. Ever.

19-year-old girl on phone in dorm: I have two weeks to have children. I only have one egg left!

Ann Arbor, Michigan

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That's Some Top-Drawer Fucking Right There

TA: I fucked that little guy from my class again. But I left a drawer in my desk open. He found a Sudafed and I came.

Cambridge, Massachusetts

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That Hoe!

Weird emo girl: I've still got bruises from the first time she hit me with a wheelbarrow!

Bridgwater College
Somerset
England

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Shhh-- He'll Hear!

Girl #1: You shouldn't drink that. It's bad for the baby.
Girl #2, drinking wine: It better be.

Washington and Lee University
Lexington, Virginia

Overheard by: Eden

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How Many Tons Of Vomit Does Disney World Produce a Year? Show Your Work.

20-something guy in the middle of a group: Guys, guys. I've got big news.
(group quiets down)
20-something guy: I just got a text from Ross. It says "Let's put it this way: they've stopped the ride, are cleaning up my vomit, and I'm leaving in a wheelchair. Spaceship Earth."
(group cheers)

Disney World
Orlando, Florida

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Lousy Human Condition

Cute girl #1: Do you ever wake up and just smell really bad for some reason?
Cute girl #2, without hesitation: Yeah!

Tufts University
Medford, Massachusetts

Overheard by: concerned about sanitation

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Taste-Testing Jawbreakers Is a Lot More Difficult Than My Old Job Of Sucking Cock

Man on cell: Well, yeah, I think it was worth it, considering how much money I made... (pause) Well, my mouth really hurts, and I think I need some antibiotics.

San Francisco, California

Overheard by: i swear this is not made up

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

When I Think About Seeing You, I Touch My Eyes

Lady standing in bathroom, giving advice: Hey, you can get STDs from public bathrooms! Don't touch your eyes!

Washington, DC

Overheard by: pretty sure that's not how you get STDs

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I Think I Had This Roommate...

Scruffy 20-something guy on cell: I don't care what you do, just leave my fucking rats alone!

Eureka, California

Overheard by: Barry Evans

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...Well, Not Human Bodies.

Coworker #1: So, did you ever figure out what was biting you?
Coworker #2: Yeah, the clinic said it was bedbugs. And I'm like, "Bedbugs?!" It's not like I have dead bodies layin' around, or anything.

Casino
Biloxi, Mississippi

Overheard by: so, where are they?

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And Leave Show Business?

Girl: My stomach hurts...
Guy: Maybe you should stop having so much butt sex.

Jersey City, New Jersey

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

When Enthusiasm Is Contagious

Strangely cheerful 30-something: I'm not shaking hands, or hugging, or anything anymore! I'm infected!

Vancouver
Canadia

Overheard by: Isn't infected

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But Our Troubles Are Skin Cancer, Amber.

College girl: Screw it. Let's go soak away our troubles with UV radiation!

Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: Kailee

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I'm Not That Kind Of Lawyer

30-something man to 30-something woman: So, have you ever tried milk of magnesia?

Newark, New Jersey

Overheard by: why_would_u_ask_that

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

My Wax Sculpture Of Aaron Burr Is Nearly Complete

Asian guy #1: So... Where are we goin'?
Asian guy #2: Well, I haven't cleaned my ears since this morning, so... Gotta do that.

Community College
Reno, Nevada

Overheard by: Michele

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NewsFlash: Community College Student Has Intimate Drug Knowledge. Film at 11.

Student: My girlfriend's theory on smoking is that it's good for you because it's natural.
Professor: Yeah, it's not like that crystal meth. That stuff's all chemicals.
Voice from the back: True dat!

Community College
Michigan

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Wouldn't Going Potty First Be Most Important?

Mother in bathroom stall to small child: We can go soon, but first mommy has to go potty, then put her pants back on. Put her pants back on... That's the most important thing.

Puyallup, Washington

Overheard by: in the next stall...

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Cat Owners Totally Sympathize

Yoga instructor to friend: I've always wanted to throw up on a cat.

Berkeley, California

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You Think I Don't Dream About Them at Night?

Teen girl #1: I have pomegranate green tea at home.
Teen girl #2: Oh my god! Just think of the antioxidants!

Charlottesville, Virginia

Overheard by: local woman

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Because He Asked Too Many Questions, Sweetie.

Little boy witnessing a shiatsu massage: Mommy, why are they killing that man?

Toronto
Ontario
Canadia

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Just Until Dinner, Though.

Wannabe hipster girl: I'm anorexic!
Wannabe hipster friend: No way!
Wannabe hipster girl: No, seriously! I'm anorexic since lunch.
Wannabe hipster friend: Okay.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: the actual hipsters were way more polite

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Shhh-- You'll Give the Poor Flying Squirrel Body Image Issues

Girl, about woman who had gastric bypass: Dude, she has bags of skins. If she jumped out an airplane, she'd glide.

Aurora, Colorado

Overheard by: Lee

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We Were Only Growing You for the Organs, Anyway

Dad: Buddy, you have to breathe. You can't hold your breath forever.
Son: No! I'm never going to breathe again. I hate it!
Dad: Sounds good.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: kaybay

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

In Unrelated News, Want Some Homemade Cookies?

Manager of restaurant to guy leaving restroom: I know we don't have paper towels in there. I am getting some right now.
Guy: It's okay. I never wash my hands anyway.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: that guy's girlfriend

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Geeks and Sexual Experimentation Are Often a Perilous Combo

Student to friend: Could you imagine having a test tube shatter while it is up your ass, or worse? I know a girl that it happened to!

Cabra Dominican College
Australia

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Identifying Your Feelings Is an Important First Step.

Huge guy with a Mohawk: It worries me that I can't smell my deodorant.

Grocery Store
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Deana

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Guess It's Montessori School for You Then

Dad, changing son's diaper: Why don't you want to wear a diaper? You want to run around naked and piss and poop all over the floor?
Son: Yeah!
Dad: What are you, an anarchist?

New Jersey

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Yet Another Reason to Love L.A.

Girl #1: Do you wear thongs when you are on your period?
Girl #2: Of course! I need to air it out.

Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: rose

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Is It Too Late for a Teachable Moment?

Manly guy to male friend carrying fake baby for parenting class: So, did Beth* get her period yet?

Wichita, Kansas

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

She's Awfully Peesnickety

Drunk guy: I'm so happy I'm a guy. I don't have to wipe after I pee.
Tipsy girl: You should really wipe if you want Lisa* to suck your dick.

Bayonne, New Jersey

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Extra Chunky

20-something girl: So I had to go to the emergency room because I thought I had a baby.
Shocked co-worker: What?! What was it?
20-something girl: Just my period. But it was a bad one.

Biloxi, Mississippi

Overheard by: don't ditch health class

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And Hides It under All the Ruffles

Woman, pointing to dress: That's nice and flowy. Not for me, but totally something Christine would wear.
Friend, indifferent: Oh yeah, Christine.
Woman: She throws up her food, though.
Friend, trailing off: Oh yeah, that's right.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: alexis

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Eh. Most Of What We Produce Is Shit, Anyway.

Coworker #1: Are either of you any good with reviewing grammar?
Coworker #2: What?
Coworker #1, yelling: I'm having colon problems!

Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com

Overheard by: Ian

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

What's with All the Waking Up Naked?

Guy: I took some ibuprofen, and then when I woke up in the morning all my clothes were off. Luckily, my headache was gone.

Seattle, Washington

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

This Is a Gluestick, Sweetie.

Guy: I've been using the same deodorant stick for the last eight years. I'd replace it, but I think they discontinued the brand.

Wal-Mart
Ft. Collins, Colorado

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Her Boyfriend Is Willing to Stick It in Any Cavity

Girl #1: I had to go to the dentist, and I spent over a million dollars!
Girl #2: Oh my god, what did you have done?
Girl #3: She had a dick removed from her mouth.

Peoria, Illinois

Overheard by: Allison

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Depression's Always in Style in Virginia

Studious student: You know she would tell her students that she's far too sick to make it out to campus, and then curl up in a ball on her couch with a cup of tea so she can watch the rain fall and weep.

Virginia Commonwealth University

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I'm Still Not Having Your Baby, Curtis

Large black male student to tiny white female student: Stretch marks are awesome! They make you look like a tiger! (makes tiger claw gesture) Raaar!

High School
Lincoln Park, Michigan

Overheard by: The teacher

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Nope-- Just My Virginity.

Girl to boy: I thought you lost your voice when you dropped your laptop?

Queens Park Community School
London
England

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Great Motor Skills for a 1-Year-Old, Though.

Suit #1, referring to scar on suit #2's throat: What happened to you?
Suit #2: My daughter is batshit. What of it?

Denver, Colorado

Overheard by: Julia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The Real Story Behind "The Rachel"

Party guy: Hey, you cut your hair.
Party girl: I had to.
Party guy: Why?
Party girl: Well, you threw up on it!
Party guy: Who cares if I threw up on it?
Party girl: I do!
Party guy: Oh. (walks off)

Austin, Texas

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...As Dear Abby Told You in That Column

Girl #1, throwing home pregnancy test into friend's basket: Here, I think you need this.
Girl #2, throwing box of condoms into friend's basket: Not as much as you need these, you slut.

Washington, DC

Overheard by: Erica

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

She's Canadian.

Hipster girl: Oh, look, there's a movie theata here too!
Hipster guy: Movie "theata"? Wow, you do have an accent... but your sister, she's really got an accent!
Hipster girl: Actually, she has a speech impediment.

Boston, Massachusetts

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Who Knew It Would Be Anthrax, Though?

Goth girl: Typical, I come to your party and end up wiping white stuff off my ass.

Withrow Park
Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: Alex

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...Even Though It Sounds Like It Could Be a Muslim Name.

Flight attendant: Just for future reference, when flying into O'Hare, Xanax is your friend.

O'Hare Airport
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: NeededSome

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

At Least I'll Make Some Money Off the Video

Girl on phone: So I walked in on my flatmate using my electric toothbrush to... yeah, doing that. And here I am, still brushing my teeth with it. That is just disgusting. Disgusting!

Cape Town
South Africa

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

According to Paris Hilton's Guide to Science

Woman: My legs are burning. But only because I'm putting more pressure on the gravity.

Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Just Me

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Homie Also Has a Hard Time on Armed Forces Career Day

Flamboyant, very white math teacher: Alright, we have a test on Tuuuuseday, which is also, guess what, the blood drive! So don't donate blood before the test and please, please, do not donate blood during the test. You'll be writing with one arm and bleeding with the other, and then you'll get paler and paler... and keel over and die. Homie can't fly that. Homie can't.

Math Classroom
Hawaii

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

That's the Last Time I'll Pick Up a Harvard Guy

Guy with sunglasses on cell: So I went back to the apartment today and he was passed out again! (pause) Yeah, dude, I think he smoked a bowl on my bed and then seized a few times...

B Train
Boston, Massachusetts

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Oooh, Imagine How Sweaty Her Hand Got!

Weird guy: Did you guys have fun last night?
Weirder guy: Oh, yeah. She jerked me off. But I'm allergic to latex, so she used neoprene gloves from the lab where she works.
Weird guy: Niiiice.

San Francisco, California

Overheard by: That sounds so unpleasant.

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And Never Underestimate Their Surgical Dexterity

Pilot #1: He flew to Myrtle Beach to meet some girl he met online. We were expecting to find him naked in a bathtub full of ice missing a kidney.
Flight attendant: Who would want his kidney? He's so short!
Pilot #2: Hey, kids need kidneys too! Little kids!

Atlanta, Georgia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

In Alabama It's Kind Of Hard to Tell

Older woman #1: I really need to get my flu shot this week.
Older woman #2: I got mine last week.
Older woman #3: Ya'll better watch out getting those flu shots, haven't you heard that vaccines cause autism?

Birmingham, Alabama

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

You're So Full Of Shit, Jason

Jock: Our soccer team's like the colon--it's probably there for a reason but no one knows what it is.
Friend: That's the appendix.

Westminster, Maryland

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Your Editors Are Also Totally Gay for Fuzzy Unicorn Shirts

Teen girl #1: Are you doing it with her, too?
Teen girl #2: Yeah, I'm totally gay for Meg* and her fuzzy unicorn shirt.
Teen girl #3, laughing and choking: I'm not suppose to die choking! I'm the only one who knows CPR!

Harrison, Michigan

Overheard by: Lauren

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Terrible Mileage

Guy to friend: Yeah, I don't know what's wrong with it, but my hamster just isn't working right.

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Not-at-all 21

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Just Start Blowing Things and See What Comes Out

Hipster guy: I can't tell if I'm horny or it's just my sinus infection again...

UBC
Canadia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

When Living Bras Die

Trendy girl on cell: It was stuck to my boob this morning. I had to go clean it off... it was all bloody and gross. (pause) Right on my boob. I know... Eew!

University of Phoenix, Arizona

Overheard by: Sarah Neill

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

But This New Biography Proves Me Wrong!

Freshman boy: I don't think Helen Keller was too concerned about dick.

High School
Colorado

Overheard by: clur

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Which Directly Contradicts My Anthropology Thesis

Girl: Sometimes I like to look at pictures of deaf people online. They don't look any different!

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: Ian

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The Limbo Is Not a Man's Game, Son.

Mother to little boy: Stop that! You're gonna hurt your scrotum!

Boston, Massachusetts

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

That Would've Been Great Fodder for Our Dr. Phil Appearance

Teen girl: My brother got released from the loony bin today. Same day as he got a new roommate, who kills animals and has an extra Y chromosome. I'm like, "Goddamn!"

Highlands Ranch, Colorado

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Crappy Cramps, Cheetos Vamps

Women #1: Oh, I know why I feel crappy--cramps.
Woman #2: Ew! Me too. Very PMS-y. Craving Cheetos.
Woman #1: That's serious.

Rochelle Park, New Jersey

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Bottom Line: It Tastes Like Shit.

Guy: You!
Smoking, unsuspecting girl: Me? What'd I do?
Guy: Do you know how lonely it's been since you and Dave* quit smoking? Then everyone started to quit! And now you're smoking again?! At first it was all cute: "Awwww, Emily and Dave* are quitting together! They're like each other's rocks!" Then what happened?!
Smoking girl, sheepishly: We sunk.
Guy: And was it your idea for Dave to start rolling his own cigarettes?!
Smoking girl: Yes...
Guy, exasperated: Every time I ask him for a cigarette, it's like smoking a diaper!

New Jersey

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Sometimes the Tooth Fairy Makes Extra Special Visits

Boy standing in line for smoothie: That better not be sparkle lips gloss.
Girl standing with him, applying lip gloss: It is, but it has like too many sparkles.
Boy: That's even worse! (pause) My one friend woke up with a ring of sparkles around his... well, you know...

University Fair
Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: ashley

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

From the Hilarious Teen Comedy Can't Hardly Walk

Guy #1: I'm so totally better than him. I have two properly functioning legs.
Guy #2: So does he, they just don't work quite as well as yours.
Guy #1: That's what the crutches are for.

High School
San Diego, California

Overheard by: Alex

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And My Statue Collection Is Really Suffering

Brunette: I don't have ear wax.
Blonde: That's impossible! Your ears can't not produce wax.
Brunette: Well, I get a little bit of yellow on the q-tip like every 2 weeks, but it's just not as satisfying.

Calgary
Canadia

Overheard by: mr. mitch

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...Under "Skills".

Blonde: I have this theory that babies who were born late are like always late to stuff. And babies who were born early, like premature, are always early.
Friend: Really?
Blonde: Yeah, it's like, on my resume.

Brisbane
Australia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Thanks, Lifetime Movie Marathon!

Girl: Did you just get a vagina?
Boy: I think it's bleeding.

Vancouver
Canadia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Only If You Leave Your Driver's License As Collateral

Goth guy to goth girlfriend: Can I borrow your blood?

Rochester
England

Overheard by: Bewildered Techie

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

What's More Natural Than Fondling a Relative's Artificial Breast?

Daughter in dressing room: Go ahead, feel them!
Mom in dressing room: No!
Daughter: Really, the point is to feel how natural they feel! I'm going to want to feel yours when you get them.

York, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Kendal

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...Mister "I Cut Myself with Safety Scissors"

Son to father, exiting hospital: Dad, what's a disability?
Father: It's like when someone loses their finger in an accident, (pause) which will probably happen to you.

Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com

Overheard by: Jon

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

But When We Say That About Canadians, We Get Angry Letters

Girl #1: Hey, you smell great!
Girl #2: Really?
Girl #1: Yeah, you smell like that nice soap.
Girl #2: I don't use soap.

Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: Justin

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Well, It Was Just Rain.

Preppy girl #1: So I had it all over me, it was on my hands and my face...
Preppy girl #2: Oh my god! Did you throw up?

San Luis Obispo, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

What-- Too Soon?

Teenage daughter: I had some caffeine pretty late tonight, so I'm gonna take an extra 50 milligrams of Seroquel.
Mother: I'll be sure to call Mary-Kate if anything bad happens.

Highlands Ranch, Colorado

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

He's the Reason "the Bro" Was Invented

Girl #1: So apparently the hormones are kicking in. He's got boobs now.
Girl #2: Oh, come on! Let's be honest, he's always had boobs.

Carrboro, North Carolina

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Or, Put More Eloquently, "What What (In the Butt)?"

Woman on toilet: What the fuck is going on with my ass?

Medford, Massachusetts

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Do You Like Origami?

Senior citizen: You should see my dick. I only had a quarter of it circumcised.

Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com

Overheard by: b! X

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

A Damsel in Distress Can Count on a Guy Peeing on Her

Teen girl #1: I wish a jellyfish would sting me so some handsome guy would run along the beach, whip out his dick and pee on me.
Teen girl #2: What?
Teen girl #1: To neutralize the sting, dumbass.
Teen girl #2: I know that. But still: what?

Carleton University
Ottawa
Canadia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

To Use a Completely Hypothetical Anecdote

Professor: Fluorine is to chlorine as chlorine is to Kool-Aid. If you inhale chlorine, it burns your nose--you inhale fluorine and it'll eat your face and look for your family.

San Diego State University
San Diego, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Can Finally See Things Clearly.

Hipster guy: Are you going to bed?
Hipster girl: No. I just don't know man. I feel like my head is full of Saran wrap.

Virginia Tech
Blacksburg, Virginia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Wait-- Are Periods Supposed to Have Placentas?

Sarcastic teenage girl to mom: Guess who just got their period three days before prom!
Mom, putting hand over heart and exhaling in relief: Oh, thank god!

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: Jon

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The Airlines Don't Even Pretend to Care Anymore

Guy on cell: Well, there's a chance you'll get burns all over your body, but other than that you should be fine.

Louisville, Kentucky

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Like Many Of My Students, Strangely Enough.

Science professor: This is plastic deformation, like what happens to those baby-seal catchers. You know, the plastic that comes around soda cans? Sometimes you catch penguins too, but those are much harder--they run really fast, and they have no regard for their bodies. They just throw themselves off cliffs.

Boston University
Boston, Massachusetts

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Tonight on Keeping Up With the Judashians

Teenybopper #1: So I haven't had my period in like six weeks!
Teenybopper #2: Girl, that means you must be pregnant!
Teenybopper #1: No, cuz then I'd have to be, like, a female Jesus!

Boston, Massachusetts

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

That Explains the Sweatpants

Drunk girl to guy she just met: I'm not having sex with you!
Drunk guy: That's okay, I'm on my period.

Montreal
Quebec
Canadia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Today, Young Tommy, You Are a Man.

Panicked child, between gasps: Why... do I... keep... burping?

Vancouver
Canadia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

All I Mean Is, You Really Stand for Something.

Lady in suit to man in wheelchair: Well, you're quick on your feet, I'll give you that. You're quick on your feet... Oh.

Summer Street
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Julianna

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

But I Just Sat in the Waiting Room and Read Magazines

Girl #1: I got a lot of color without being in the sun very much; just in the car.
Girl #2: I'm so jealous!
Girl #1: Well, I also went to the tanning salon...

Hartford, Connecticut

Overheard by: Claire

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Hey, Even Hoboes Have Bad Days

Preppy guy on cell: Really? He didn't spit on me when I fed him the other day.

Cal Poly Pomona
Pomona, California

Overheard by: sorry, my llama is unpredictable

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The Debate About Renée Zellweger Rages on

Guy: That's an unfortunate-looking girl.
Girl: She has Down syndrome.
Guy: I'm going to hell.

University of Florida

Overheard by: Nick

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Told You Not to Pet the Rabbits, Lenny.

Girl: Oh... Unh... Yeah, that's the spot.
Friend: Doesn't it hurt when you rub it so hard like that?
Girl: No, it... oh, that's blood. That's probably not good.

Clark Hall Women's Room
University of Virginia

Overheard by: girl in the stall

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Plus I Took a Cab

Skinny chick with cigarette on bike to friend she just met up with: Hey! Guess how I got here so fast?
Friend: How?
Skinny chick, enthusiastically: I drink a tonic of strychnine and brandy! Every day!

Mt. Pleasant
Vancouver
Canadia

Overheard by: Lance Wriststrong

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Further Evidence That Some Wood Is Wiser Than Others

Teacher, handing out candy to class: They're really sweet.
Student #1: And they make the roof of your mouth bleed.
Student #2: That's the best part.

High School
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Is Swamp Ass the Next Evolutionary Step? Discuss.

Teenage boy: Are you saying your asshole gets sweaty when I'm around?
Teenage girl: Exactly.

Northgate
Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: NotSoSuperMario

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Well Why'd You Enroll in an Art History Class?

Dumb Girl #1: I feel like I'm suffocating!
Dumb girl #2: Why? What's wrong?
Dumb girl #1: It's just too much! There's vagina everywhere!

High School
Genoa, Ohio

Overheard by: Tricia Rae

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Besides, Greed Stains.

Woman #1 in central Taipei: When she went to the us, she took along several boxes of detergent, because she doesn't like the smell of American detergent.
Woman #2: Yeah, I wouldn't want to smell like an American either.

Shout-out: talovich.blogspot.com

Overheard by: Yugan

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Best Boss I've Ever Had!

Girl: So Jack sucked my thumb today.
Friends: Really?
Girl: Yeah, he sucked my thumb, then wiped his snot on my arm, licked my leg, and told me he wanted to go to the office.

Simsbury, Connecticut

Overheard by: rehreh88

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I'm One Of Those People Who's Always Cold!

College girl #1: I can always tell it's really cold when my face starts tightening up. And I start talking with a lisp.
College girl #2: Girl, you always talk with a lisp!

Capitol Hill
Washington, DC

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...Plus, I Prefer Anal. Anal!!

Chronically oversharing blonde woman: If I didn't know better, I'd swear there was a baby up in there, but there are three reasons I know that's impossible. For one thing, I'm on birth control, which is why I've gained twenty-five pounds. Twenty-five pounds! Also, I haven't had sex since (whispers) October, (resumes normal voice) so I'd be overdue. And I got my period today.

Chilango's Mexican Restaurant
Rochester, New York

Overheard by: TARDIS Dyke

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Or When You Pull the Tampons Out Of Your Butt?

Gay boy to girl posse, seeing commercial for panty liners with extra sticking power: So, like, doesn't it hurt when they stick to your vag?

Fargo, North Dakota

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?