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Every Time I Try That, I Lose Some Memory
Mom: Arrrrgh. My brain just isn't working today!
Eight-year-old (deadpan): Did you try turning it off and on again?
Steveston
Canadia
Overheard by: laughing sangria out my nose
So If Anyone Requires a Strip-o-Gram...
Law professor: I don't get paid very well at this job. And I need beer money.
SFSU
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: RL
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Drinking & drunks | Gripes | Jobs & Careers | Money | San Francisco | Teachers | Wishes | Posted 2008-06-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Jenny Made the Same Observations About Every Church Fundraiser
Respectable-looking chick on cell: Not *nearly* enough trannies.
Vallejo and Powell
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Gripes | On the phone | San Francisco | Sexuality | Posted 2008-06-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
From the Epic Best-Seller Rich Man, Poo Man
Boy in bar: Why does everyone always make me out to be the poo guy?
Oaktown, California
Overheard by: sitting further away now
...for Chip 'n' Dale
Little boy, covered in glitter: Mom! Casey's whompin' glitter on me again!
Little girl: I am not!
Mother: She's just tryin' to make you look pretty!
Magic Kingdom, Disney World
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Natalie
Categories: Beauty | Compare and contrast | Family ties | Florida | Girls | Gripes | Guys | Kids | Kids | Moms | Tourist attractions | Posted 2008-06-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Their Relationship's in the Crapper
Exasperated woman: I just called to say "I love you" while I had a moment to myself, okay?! Jeez! [Flushes.]
Women's Bathroom, Bay Park Square Mall
Green Bay, Wisconsin
How Do You Think Pizza Bagels Are Conceived?
Little girl: My pizza is naked!
Fresh Grocer
Drexel Hill, Pennsylvania
With the Possible Exception of the Dominant Chord
Professor: So, how was survey of western music?
Girl: It was terrible: someone would always find a way to bring up gender issues. I mean, I hate to break it to you, but eighteenth century tonal music doesn't give a shit about your vagina.
Sarah Lawrence College
Bronxville, New York
Either Way I Won't Be Able to Get Off Now
Suit #1: I can't believe I've lost them again!
Suit #2: Are we talking about dildos still or the midgets?
McDonald's Parking Lot
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: I wish I heard the first part of this conversation
Freud: I'm Not Even Sure What She Wants
Girl #1: Yeah, that's not cool, but I understand. He sounds very immature.
Girl #2: He is. It's such a shame. I laid in bed last night reminiscing about the time I spent with him in bed. It's like I can still feel it. Too bad he's such an asshole, and too bad that good dick makes me so... not able to accept what a douchebag a guy really is.
Atlanta, Georgia
Categories: Compare and contrast | Compliments | Feelings | Georgia | Girls | Gripes | Insults | Penis | Relationships | Sex | Posted 2008-05-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Jenna Jameson: "Story of My Life, Honey"
20-something girl: My ass hurts and my throat is sore. I also feel very underwhelmed.
San Francisco, California
Categories: Ass | Default | Feelings | Girls | Gripes | Health & Hygiene | San Francisco | Posted 2008-05-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Especially If, Instead of the G-Spot, There Was a Little Plastic Prize
Guy: But I hate wearing condoms! I can't feel anything. I might as well put my dick in a cereal box.
Girl: I think my vagina is a bit different from a cereal box.
Dude, excitedly: If your vagina had cereal in it, I'd eat you out all the time!
Davidson, North Carolina
Categories: Compare and contrast | Condoms | Couples | Food | Foreplay | Girls | Gripes | Guys | North Carolina | Sensory experiences | Posted 2008-05-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Dude, Just Make an Audio-Visual Geek Your Friend
Music history professor, putting a CD in the player: And now we pray to the god of CDs. It's not good to be a teacher with CDs. They are very stupid things. [Pause.] ...It's not good to be a teacher, perhaps that's what it is.
Peabody Conservatory
Baltimore, Maryland
...For Not Telling My Servants to Buy More
Student girl: Aw man, I've no food in the house. It's like I've been robbed, but it's my fault!
Sainsbury's
Lancaster
England
And You're Spilling My Martini!
Kid: I want to go swimming!
Dad: They don't have any smoking rooms here, and I gotta smoke. We have to go somewhere else.
Kid: Can't you just go outside and smoke?
Dad: It's snowing outside! You'd like it if I had to go out in the cold and snow just so you could go swimming, wouldn't you?
Kid: But they have a pool here! I want to go in the pool!
Dad: That's all you do... All you do is think about yourself! I gotta smoke!
204 Hendersonville Road
Asheville, North Carolina
Overheard by: Taryn
Categories: Dads | Drugs | Gripes | Kids | Kids | North Carolina | Offers and requests | Smoking | Wishes | Posted 2008-05-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
No More Gene Kelly Movies for You, Young Man
Mom, walking in the rain: This is not good.
Four-year-old son: It's nice!
Mom: It is not nice, what the hell?!
Springfield, Massachusetts
Categories: Compare and contrast | Feelings | Gripes | Guys | Kids | Kids | Massachusetts | Moms | Sensory experiences | Posted 2008-05-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Girls Suffer Most from the British Class System
Girl #1: All they talked about was fannies... And tits... And... Fuckin'... Something else.
Girl #2: Rugby.
Girl #1: Yeah. Rugby.
Warwick
England
Dear Martha Stewart...
Frustrated waitress: There's not enough Scotchguard in the world to help those sex cushions!
Rudyard's
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Hales
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Cleanliness | Gripes | Health & Hygiene | Servers | Sexuality | Texas | Women | Posted 2008-05-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
So Maybe She Needed Out-of-This-World Sex
Guy on cell: Yeah, I hooked up with her. [pause] I fucked her. She was tight. [pause] She hasn't called me back. I don't get why it's so hard to take five seconds out of your day to see how I'm doing. [pause] She's, like, Asian. Half Asian and half alien.
Barnes & Noble
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Hobo
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Compliments | Feelings | Geography | Gripes | Guys | Insults | On the phone | Sex | Stores | Words | Posted 2008-05-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Translation: I'm Still a Little Stoned
Girl, frantically looking through fridge: Shit, I'm gonna be late for work... What the hell? Why is your rice in my freezer?
Boyfriend: Because then it will be happy and prosperous.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Nic
Said She's Too Old to Start Wearing Pleather Again
Old lady to another: Mary started crying because she thought they were taking her back to New Jersey.
Pizza Shop
Lima, Pennsylvania
Categories: Fears | Feelings | Friends | Gripes | Old folks | Pennsylvania | Restaurants | US Geography | Women | Posted 2008-05-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If Beauty Is Truth, I'm Not Interested
Penn student #1, looking at sculpture: Oh my god, I, like, totally hate art.
Penn student #2: I know, right? They should just buy us all laptops instead.
Locust Walk
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Education | Feelings | Friends | Gripes | Laptops | Offers and requests | Pennsylvania | Students | Posted 2008-05-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Just a Toxic Spill Waiting to Happen
Goth girl, to friend looking at military jackets: You can get those a lot cheaper at goodwill, dude.
Overweight friend: Not in my size! When fat people die, they leak, and then their clothes can't be given to goodwill!
Starfest Sci-Fi Convention
Denver, Colorado
Categories: Advice | Clothes | Colorado | Compare and contrast | Diet & weight | Fat people | Friends | Girls | Goths | Gripes | Money | Offers and requests | Posted 2008-05-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
This Is What Happens When Harry Potter Fans Grow Up
Extremely drunk chick crying: I love him so much and he doesn't even know! He's my soulmate.
Exasperated sober chick: He's fictional!
Armory Square
Syracuse, New York
If You Need a Longer Break, "Fluffy Pink Clouds 101" Is Right Down the Hall
Linda: Ugh, this class is so depressing!
Professor: Let's all take ten seconds to think about baby lambs to make Linda feel happy. [pause] Okay, back to Terri Schiavo!
Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York
Categories: Animals | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Education | Feelings | Girls | Gripes | Insults | New York | Offers and requests | Philosophy | Teachers | Posted 2008-05-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Like, They Could Be Electronic or Something
Freshman, walking out of library: Geez, these books are heavy! They should make, like, lighter versions of books...
Melbourne University
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Eavesdropper...
Categories: Australia | Compare and contrast | Gripes | Sensory experiences | Students | Wishes | Posted 2008-05-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Knew I Should've Let the Doctor Keep You a Girl
Mother to ten-year-old son at supermarket check-out queue: And then we'll go and look for a dress for me.
Ten-year-old son: I'm not going clothes shopping with you. You go in every shop, you try everything on, you never like anything and come home with nothing and I'm not standing around waiting!
[All male members of the queue cheer.]
Luton
England
Shouldn't This Be Eleventeen
Statistics professor writing on board: I'll leave the numbers out because I always get them wrong anyway.
University of Chicago
Illinois
Overheard by: too early for this class
Looks Who's Talking, Mister "The-Pirate-Movie-Was-Rated-Arrr"
Guy #1: What did the bear say when he walked into the bar?
Guy #2: [Blank stare.]
Guy #1: Roarrrr. He's a fucking bear, what else would he say! [Laughs out loud.]
Guy #2: I haven't seen you in two months, and this is what you start with? You are a fucking idiot.
Duluth, Minnesota
Overheard by: Amber
I Was Going to Say, "Masturbate to Climax"
History prof: Benjamin Harrison was a pretty boring guy, with all the personality of a statue...I'm sure he couldn't even...
[Class snickers.]
History prof: Oh god, you fricken teenagers, you drag everything into the gutter!
Colorado University
Boulder, Colorado
Expect Ingratitude. And Sass-Mouth
Mother, shouting at her child: You get mad at me for the things I don't do, and you never appreciate the things I do do!
Little girl: Hahaha, you said doodoo!
Los Angeles, California
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Girls | Gripes | Kids | Moms | Parenting | Should have used a condom | Words | Posted 2008-04-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Slylock Fox's Puzzle: How Many Things Are Wrong with This Conversation?
Thug sitting in traffic yelling into cell: I moved you and the goddamn kids out here! I robbed muthafuckas for you! I'm facing five to ten goddamn years for you, and I can't even get a goddamn thank you?! Bitch, you drunk?!
Highway
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: scaredspectator
And This Money Isn't Even Green!
Middle-aged American tourist woman: The rooms here have strange plugs, I simply cannot use my curling iron! This is outrageous... I want to see the manager immediately!
Hotel Restaurant
Munich
Germany
Overheard by: Dru
Categories: Clients | Compare and contrast | Germany | Gripes | Idiots | Restaurants | Technology | Tourists | Wishes | Women | Posted 2008-04-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
As Soon As We Get On, I'm Grabbing a Pole and Ripping Them Off
Chick: Well, my mom wouldn't let me on the train until I wore pants, so there ya go.
Southmoor station
Aurora, Colorado
Categories: Bimbettes | Chicks | Clothes | Colorado | Family ties | Gender issues | Gripes | Public Transportation | Teens | Posted 2008-04-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But It Was a Planned Incarceration
Obese John Wayne wannabe: I can't believe we are not hanging out tonight.
Gap tooth hootchie: I told you I made plans with my friends a month ago!
Obese John Wayne wannabe: Well you're supposed to be hanging out with me. We never hang out anymore and we are boyfriend and girlfriend!
Gap tooth hootchie: We were supposed to hang out this past Saturday and Sunday but we didn't! You were not fucking there.
Obese John Wayne wannabe: I had a change of plans!
Gap tooth hootchie: Change of plans?! Muthafucker you were in jail!
Bus
Iowa State University, Iowa
Overheard by: Casey
Categories: Bus | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Couples | Crimes | Euphemisms | Fat people | Girls | Gripes | Guys | Hoochies | Iowa | Leisure | Relationships | Posted 2008-04-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
From Containing All That Evil?
Girl #1: Do you think anyone's like... Actually a good person?
[long pause]
Girl #2: Ugh, my stomach really hurts today.
Drew University
Madison, New Jersey
Categories: Bringing it back to you | Character | Colleges & Universities | Default | Friends | Girls | Gripes | Maladies | New Jersey | Questions | Sorority types | Students | Posted 2008-04-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But Apparently That's Not How Job Interviews Work
Girl walking to bus stop drunk: I just wanted to walk in, get groped and leave.
Pheasant Run
Harrisonburg, Virginia
Overheard by: Brandon Call