Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
Family ties All Categories > Topics > Family ties
Recent | Best Of
On the Other Hand, Now She Can Totally Come Clubbing with Us!
Girl to friend: Well, if she's dumb enough to use chloroform to put her baby to sleep, then that's her fault!
Virginia Commonwealth University
Overheard by: tim c
Categories: Family ties | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Stupidity | Virginia | Posted 2011-08-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But This Place Doesn't Sell Rolling Paper
Teenage girl: How about a duke shot glass?
Friend: How old is your brother?
Teenage girl: 12.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: start em young
Categories: Age and ageing | Drinking & drunks | Family ties | Girls | Overheard in Minneapolis | Posted 2011-08-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...She's a Good, Honest Whore
Angry guy, loudly: My sister is not a fetish model!
Greenport Harbor Brewery
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Ladle
Categories: Family ties | Guys | New York | Sexuality | Weirdness | Posted 2011-08-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
On the Plus Side, If People Think You're 16, You Totally Have a Future in Barely-Legal Porn!
Young woman #1: And I was like, "No, dude who's two years older than me, I'm not 16. Nice mandals."
Young woman #2: You said that?
Young woman #1: Oh, no. I try really hard to think of other things when 25-year-olds are hitting on my mom.
Young woman #2: I'm really sorry.
Nail Salon
Napa, California
Categories: Age and ageing | California | Family ties | Gossip | Women | Posted 2011-07-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We All Know How to Push Our Parents Right Over the Edge
Man pushing his mother in wheelchair: It's all designed to kill you, mother.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Categories: Death & dying | Family ties | Guys | Pennsylvania | Wishes | Posted 2011-07-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
To Be Fair, Dina Lohan Created Lindsay.
Girl on phone: Hi, mom, sorry I didn't call you back... I was busy having sex.
Melbourne
Australia
Categories: Australia | Character | Family ties | Girls | On the phone | Sex | Posted 2011-07-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
What's with Moms and Chuck Norris?
Weird kid: Your momma's so fat that... Chuck Norris. I win.
St. Joseph High School
Michigan
Categories: About celebrities | Family ties | Kids | Michigan | Weirdness | Posted 2011-07-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Unlike Most Of the San Antonio Spurs
Girl: And I was all "his mom is a slut" I mean, she sleeps with everyone.
Boy: Don't talk about my mom that way.
Girl: Why not? I mean, she's my mom, too.
Boy: No, she's not.
Girl: Well, you never know! You weren't there!
San Antonio, Texas
Meanwhile, I'm at Community College on a Ping Pong Scholarship
Drunk girl: I have two sisters. One goes to UPenn, she's really smart. The other one goes to Drexel, she's not very smart...
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Alex Remnick
Categories: Compliments | Drunks | Education | Family ties | Girls | Pennsylvania | Posted 2011-06-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's So 1995.
Teen girl: Dad, stop talking about Hugh Grant's penis!
Concord, Massachusetts
Categories: About celebrities | Family ties | Massachusetts | Penis | Teens | Weirdness | Posted 2011-06-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Mom Harvests My Pockets When She Does My Laundry
Guy: Do you have any money left?
Chunky 40-something man: 60 bucks, that should be enough to get me by until my mother gives me more.
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Kristin
Categories: Family ties | Guys | Money | Nebraska | Questions | Posted 2011-06-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And I Do Mean Everything
Boy #1: I'm gonna take out my iPhone and post these pictures on YouTube.
Boy #2: You can't post photos on YouTube.
Boy #1: Fine, I'll post them on Facebook.
Boy #2: You don't have a Facebook.
Boy #1: I'll e-mail them to your mom. She posts everything on Facebook.
Central Islip, New York
Overheard by: Val
Categories: Family ties | Guys | Internet | New York | Threats | Posted 2011-06-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Were His Teeth In or Out?
Young woman on cell: I kiss my grandpa on the mouth, have I made out with him?
Palo Alto, California
Categories: California | Family ties | On the phone | Questions | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2011-06-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Now Everyone Calls Him "The Puree Papa"
Student: Because my dad didn't consider mac and cheese or ground beef as food that you could chew.
Biola University
La Mirada, California
Overheard by: lydia parsons
Categories: California | Character | Family ties | Food | Students | Posted 2011-06-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If Only Breastfeeding Porn Were a Mass Market Item
Drunk girl: I think... If I didn't have a family I would be a porn star.
Saint Joseph's University
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Family ties | Pennsylvania | Porn | Weirdness | Posted 2011-06-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Yeah, I Know You Don't Know Me, But I've Got It All Planned Out
Happy, 30-something Indian suit, on phone in check-out line: Yes. Yes! She will be my sugar momma and you will be my wife. (pause) My sugar momma!
Wegmans, Dulles Airport
Washington, DC
Categories: Family ties | Relationships | Suits | Washington, DC | Weirdness | Posted 2011-06-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Eh, Suze Orman's Just a Little Quirky.
Middle-aged suit on cell: Yeah... Well, I don't know. (pause) Doesn't she have Alzheimer's? (pause) I don't care if she's your mother. (pause) Yeah, well, maybe she shouldn't be trading your stocks, then.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: mo
Categories: Family ties | Maladies | New York | On the phone | Questions | Suits | Posted 2011-06-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'll Rescue You, but I'll Also Never Let You Forget It
Young girl from bathroom stall: Mom! There's no toilet paper in here!
Mother: I'd say that represents a failure in planning on your part.
Toronto
Canadia
She's Like, "Eh, I'll Make More"
Girl: I've heard that woman over there is giving away some of her kids.
Campinas
Brazil
Categories: Brazil | Family ties | Girls | Parenting | Weirdness | Posted 2011-05-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'd Try Men If I Could Find One to Clean Up After Me
Man #1: How you been?
Man #2: Pretty good.
Man #1: How's your wife?
Man #2: Aggravating.
Church
Thibodaux, Louisiana
Categories: Family ties | Guys | Louisiana | Maladies | Questions | Posted 2011-05-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Thought You Said Your Family Was Functional?
Math professor #1: Don't derive like my brother.
Math professor #2: No, don't derive like my brother!
Northampton, Massachusetts
Overheard by: TARDIS Dyke
Categories: Advice | Education | Family ties | Massachusetts | Teachers | Posted 2011-05-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You're No Pussy, Dad
Teenage girl to father: I didn't come out of her vagina, okay? I don't have to respect her.
Father: Well, I guess you don't respect me either, cause you didn't come out of my vagina!
Chesapeake, Virginia
Overheard by: made my day
Rip Taylor Was Born That Way
Guy about his brother: His only emotion is glitter.
Friend: That's true of all eight-year-olds.
Guy: No, dude, you don't get it. One. Emotion.
Fairfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: Harry
Categories: Character | Connecticut | Family ties | Feelings | Friends | Posted 2011-04-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Mom Put the "C" in "ROTC"
Geek #1: So, was your mom a very loose woman when she was in college?
Geek #2: Well, not really, but back when she was in the military, she was.
Morgantown, West Virginia
Overheard by: Mint
Categories: Dorks, Geeks & Nerds | Family ties | Questions | Sexuality | Weirdness | West Virginia | Posted 2011-03-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
She Always Comes Up with the Best Gifts for an Old Fart.
Woman: My mom was in the hospital with brain cancer. Then my cousin showed up, and I asked her if she wanted to, you know, go to a craft store and get something for mom. Well, on the walk over, she... (makes farting noises). So you can imagine how upset I was.
YMCA
Beloit, Wisconsin
Categories: Death & dying | Family ties | Maladies | Offers and requests | Wisconsin | Women | Posted 2011-03-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That Rug Really Tied the Room Together.
Crazy woman on cell: Do you want that pretty rug that I found at your aunt's house? I found out why it smells like piss.
Beloit, Wisconsin
Categories: Crazies | Family ties | Questions | Sensory experiences | Wisconsin | Women | Posted 2011-03-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'd Still Take It Down If Either Of You Ever Wants a Job
Girl #1 on Facebook: And then I gave my mom a lap dance.
Girl #2, looking at pictures: It looks like she was enjoying it.
UMass
Dartmouth, Massachusetts
Categories: Dancing | Family ties | Girls | Massachusetts | Weirdness | Posted 2011-03-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
No Gay Man Has Ever Seen RoboCop
Middle aged gay man on cell: Mother, stop making excuses. You chose to live in a government hellhole named Canada. You could have gone somewhere like Detroit, but nooooo...
Starbucks
Los Angeles, California
Categories: California | Family ties | Gays | Geography | On the phone | Pity | Posted 2011-01-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Thank God We Live in a Country Where the Popular Vote Is Irrelevant
Female student during welcome week: My uncle doesn't believe in recycling. You know, cause it's like a democratic principle...
Male student: Oh, yeah, totally.
Cornell University
Ithaca, New York
Overheard by: Actually, it's more communist...
Categories: Family ties | New York | Politics | Students | Posted 2010-12-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Especially Not About a Peanut Being Neither a Pea Nor a Nut
Six-year-old boy in coffee shop: Mom! I did not come here to talk!
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: he's got an agenda
Categories: Family ties | Kids | Language barrier | Overheard in Minneapolis | Parenting | Posted 2010-12-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ooo, and He Could Design My Dress!
Girl #1, listening to John Denver: This is a great song. Especially if you're gay. You should have this at your wedding.
Girl #2: Well, if I marry a gay guy, it'll be great.
Phildelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Fag hags | Family ties | Music | Pennsylvania | Relationships | Posted 2010-11-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
This Is the Happiest Place on Earth?
Dad sitting on a bench, holding misbehaving son: Well, I guess we are going to have to go then. I was really hoping we could enjoy it here...
Son, at the top of his lungs: Whhhhyyyy are you doing this to me!?
Disneyland
Anaheim, California
Overheard by: Mouse Goer
Categories: Family ties | Offspring | Parenting | Should have used a condom | Tourist attractions | Posted 2010-11-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You're As Big a Disappointment As Your Mother!
Elderly lady to six-month-old baby: Now, I want you to say nice and clearly, "here I am, grandmother," when I ask you where you are.
Oxford
England
Categories: Age and ageing | Bringing it back to you | Family ties | Kids | Old folks | UK | Posted 2010-11-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When Summer's Eve Merged with The Learning Channel
Girl: Do you ever get the feeling we're, like, related to monkeys?
Bryn Mawr College
Pennsylvania
Categories: Animals | Colleges & Universities | Family ties | Feelings | Girls | Pennsylvania | Questions | Posted 2010-10-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Have You Tried Polygamy Barn?
30-something woman to employee: Hey, do you have those long jean skirts here? You know, the kind that polygamists' wives wear.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: a. lil
Categories: Clothing | Employees | Family ties | Overheard in Minneapolis | Relationships | Women | Posted 2010-10-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Oh, Brother.
Sorority girl, upset: And then her other sister had sex with my sister!
University of Florida
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: really curious about the rest of that conversation
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Family ties | Florida | Sex | Sexuality | Sorority types | Weirdness | Posted 2010-09-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
One's a Very Black Sheep, Indeed
Southern belle: I basically have two brothers. Well, no, I have three. Basically three brothers.
Charleston, South Carolina
Overheard by: John S.
Categories: Family ties | Girls | Science | South Carolina | Posted 2010-09-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Two Girls, One Pop-Pop Did Not End Well
Girl #1: I'd totally tap your grandpa!
Girl #2: Thanks?
Girl #1: You're welcome!
Denver, Colorado
Categories: Colorado | Family ties | Girls | Sex | Posted 2010-09-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Um, Isn't That a Burger King Crown?
Drunk aboriginal man to drunk friends: I just got out of jail. My mum's been crying for me, my dog's been praying for me, my uncle Bob's been praying for me, all to get me back to Narrogin. I tell you, I'm the king of that town.
Fremantle
Australia
Why I Refuse to Visit Texas: Explained.
Drunk girl: We were around the bonfire eating flamin' hot Cheetos, and then his brother ran around with the gas can, naked.
Trailer Park
Central Texas
Overheard by: HaleyJ
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Family ties | Food | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2010-09-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But at Least You're Cheating Well.
Busy-looking female suit on cell: Face it, Carol, you just didn't marry well.
Upstate New York
Categories: Advice | Family ties | New York | On the phone | Relationships | Suits | Posted 2010-09-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And I Thought Old Ladies Loved Tea.
Bicyclist: So I guess your grandma didn't like the joke about your balls.
Rockland County, New York
Categories: Balls | Family ties | Guys | New York | Posted 2010-09-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Though, to Be Fair, the Bicycle Had No Bell.
Girl #1: My grandfather has won the Nobel Prize!
Girl #2: Really?
Girl #1: Yeah, he has one of those trophies in his bookshelf!
Janitor, walking in: Are you sure it was the Nobel Prize?
Girl #1: Yes, I am! Don't you believe me? I'm gonna call him and ask! (proceeds to call, hangs up sounding disappointed)
Janitor: Well?
Girl #1: Oh, it was not the Nobel Prize. It was only from a bicycle race.
High School
Sweden
Overheard by: Malin
Categories: Bragging | Family ties | Old folks | On the phone | Questions | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Students | Sweden | Teachers | Posted 2010-08-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or I'm Sure He Would If We Could Locate Him.
Mother to four-year-old daughter: You're forgetting mummy is mummy and not daddy. Daddy is the one who cares.
Target
Australia
And My Analyst Will Hold You While I Do So
Man on cell: I've never shown hostility towards women, but if you ever call that transvestite my mother, I will beat you senseless.
Savannah, Georgia
Categories: Family ties | Gender issues | Georgia | Guys | On the phone | Parenting | Threats | Violence | Posted 2010-08-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Mickey Doesn't Care, Sweetie
Girl to family: Happy 4th of July, everyone!
Kid next to girl: But I'm Jewish!
Magic Kingdom
Orlando, Florida
I Just Like Peeing on Sticks
Mom: So tell me the truth. Was that your pregnancy test dad found in the trash?
Daughter: Jesus Christ, mom! No!
Mom: Okay, well, I just wanted to...
Daughter, interrupting: I wish it was my test! At least then I'd be having a good time!
YMCA
Nashville, Tennessee
Is That in the Rules Somewhere?
Girl #1 to guy: Oh, shut up! Be nice to me! I'm marrying your brother! Which means I'm gonna be like your sister!
Girl #2 to guy: Which means you won't be able to have sex with her anymore!
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Compare and contrast | Family ties | Girls | Guys | Illinois | Relationships | Sex | Posted 2010-08-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But That's Universal Health Care for You
Big burly man, earnestly: So then he said, "my wife is in labor," but I didn't exactly know what that meant.
English man, in disbelief: What? What did you think it meant?
Big burly man: I dunno... Um, like, just pregnant?
English man: So what did you say?
Big burly man: I just said, "yeah, that sucks for you."
English man: Wow, he must have thought you were a real asshole.
Big burly man: Haha, yeah. And then she had the baby in the apartment.
(long pause)
Big burly man: So, anyway, now the building's hot water's not working.
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: trying not to laugh
Thanks, Superglue!
Daughter: Come look at this booth, mom!
Mom: Just a second.
Daughter: Please, mom!
Mom: Ugh, I have like five things to keep track of, one of which is your two siblings.
Earth Day Celebration
Gresham, Oregon
Categories: Family | Family ties | Moms | Oregon | Parenting | Posted 2010-07-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Tonight on Untrue Blood...
Mother to eight-year-old: Tommy*, get in the picture with your aunt Linda!*
Tommy*: You're hungover!
Mother: Just get in and smile.
Tommy*, indignant: She's not related to me! In what way, shape or form does she share my blood?!
Havre de Grace, Maryland
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Family ties | Kids | Maryland | Moms | Posted 2010-07-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Your Editors Agree, at Least in Principle
20-something on cell: So I said to her, "I don't care if you are my stepsister: if you shaved it, I want to see it!"
San Francisco, California
Categories: Family ties | Health & Hygiene | On the phone | San Francisco | Shaving | Vagina | Posted 2010-07-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...You're in for One Miserable Ride.
Angry girl to group of male friends: You can sleep with my mother, you can kill my father, you can burn down my house, but if you fuck with my bike...
Harvard University
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Veli Velo
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Family ties | Friends | Girls | Massachusetts | Murder | Sex | Violence | Posted 2010-06-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Hear Target Has Moms at Bargain Prices
Little girl, trying to find her mom: Mommy! Mom! Mom!
(she finds her)
Little girl: Hey, mom!
Mom, totally deadpan: I'm not your mom, you should go find your real mom.
Little girl: Mom...?
Mom: I am not your mom. It's time you go find your real mom.
Little girl: But... Mom...
Mom: Fine, what?!
Bellingham, Washington
Overheard by: Rachel
Categories: Family ties | Kids | Moms | Parenting | Washington | Weirdness | Posted 2010-06-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Have Her Eyes, Patrick
Drunk guy #1: I don't know, I bet she was a nice-looking Irish lass back in her day.
Drunk guy #2: You keep calling my grandma a piece of ass like it's a compliment.
Bar
Syracuse, New York
Overheard by: Mike K.
Categories: Ass | Bars & Clubs | Compliments | Drunks | Family ties | New York | Posted 2010-06-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
For the Same Reason We Don't Care Who Warthogs Mate With
Daughter: You know, they should put up a warning sign at that camp. "Warning: do not hook up with each other, you are probably second cousins. You will have mutant babies."
Mother: But they're already mutants, so it's okay.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Christianne
SpongeBob? Absolutely.
Ghetto girl on phone, angrily: Yeah, well, I bet he's just lollygagging somewhere with his grandma!
22 Bus
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Family ties | Girls | Massachusetts | On the phone | Time Management | Posted 2010-05-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's the First Thing I Can Remember
Young teen girl: So he fucked both your mums, and that's how you two are related?
Boy #1: Yeah.
Boy #2: But he didn't start fucking my mum till after she had me.
Bus
Wollongong
Australia
Overheard by: definately not related
Categories: Australia | Bus | Family ties | Questions | Sex | Teens | Time Management | Posted 2010-05-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
He Keeps Muttering About My Becoming Self-Supporting
Teen girl: My dad bought me an iPhone but he took it away when he found my pot. I'm so pissed.
Emo teen: You live in Portland. Either you're gay, you enjoy molesting children, or you do every drug available for free. Or all of the above. What the hell does he expect of you?
Portland, Oregon
Categories: Cell phones | Drugs | Family ties | Kids | Oregon | Sexuality | Teens | Posted 2010-05-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Although There's Nothing Worse Than a Goat with the Munchies.
Hipster girl #1: Those are nice (points at earrings), where did you get them?
Hipster girl #2: Oh, I stole these. I only steal earrings, for some reason. So did your parents ever get those goats for their farm?
Hipster girl #1: Not yet, but my mom said they're going to start growing pot.
Hipster girl #2: That's cool.
Cafe
Durham, North Carolina
Overheard by: Vincent Ignatius
Categories: Animals | Bars & Clubs | Compliments | Crimes | Drugs | Family ties | Fashion | Hipsters | North Carolina | Weirdness | Posted 2010-05-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
As Seen in Drilling Miss Daisy
Girl, flabbergasted: Everyone's birthday is in March?
Boyfriend: Yeah. My grandma's birthday is in June. It's the only time she really has sex. It's her birthday present.
Jersey City, New Jersey
Categories: Couples | Family ties | New Jersey | Sex | Posted 2010-05-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Stop Wearing That Lavender Perfume and We'll Revisit the Issue, Okay?
20-something girl to gay male friend: It really creeps me out when you call me "grandma" when we do drugs together.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: MuffinW
Categories: California | Drugs | Fag hags | Family ties | Names | Queers | Posted 2010-05-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...By Lying
Guy #1: I was supposed to interview my grandma for my sociology project, but I didn't. I'm going to have to like, make up her life right now.
Guy #2: Why didn't you interview her?
Guy #1: Well, she lives in Oregon, and you know, the time change...
Guy #2: Dude, there's no time change from here to Oregon.
Guy #1: I know that, shut up! I'm trying to make myself feel better.
University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Beatrice
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Family ties | Guys | Lies | US Geography | Washington | Posted 2010-05-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Wolf Was No Match for Grandma
Dad: Later, we need to find grandma a boyfriend.
Seven-year-old son: Grandma already has a boyfriend, though.
Dad: Really? Who?
Seven-year-old son: She's married to granddad!
Dad: No, no, your other grandma.
Seven-year-old son: Oh yeah, she really needs a boyfriend.
Train
Manchester
England
Categories: Compare and contrast | Dads | England | Family ties | Kids | Relationships | Train | Posted 2010-04-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...And What Do You Mean by "Had"?
Wife: Oh, my cousin Danielle just had her baby!
Husband: You have a cousin Danielle?
Mount Vernon, New York
Categories: Birthing | Couples | Family ties | New York | Questions | Posted 2010-04-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Isn't This a Show on TLC?
Guy to girl: I know these people out in Colorado, and they're like totally brother and sister, and they're married! I mean, they had to sign something saying they'd never have children, but they're totally married!
Nightclub Bathroom
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: RW
Categories: Family ties | Guys | Missouri | Relationships | Restroom | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Now How About a Nice Tranq Dart?
Confused elderly female patient, trying to punch staff: If you kill me, my family will hunt you down and take all your money!
Nurse's aide, trying to clean up patient: Yeah, we hear that a lot.
Hospital
Burlingame, California
Categories: California | Crimes | Death & dying | Doctor's office | Family ties | Nurses | Old folks | Threats | Posted 2010-04-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Can't You Just Tether It to Your Wheelchair?
Suave dude on cell: Shut up, grandma! Your fridge isn't that heavy!
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: at least I'm nice to my grandma
Categories: Family ties | Jerks | On the phone | Overheard in Minneapolis | Stupidity | Posted 2010-04-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Says All My Bad Decisions Cost Her Money
Drunk girl, burying head into boyfriend's arm: I'm upset with my mother. She expects me to take care of me.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Fallon
Categories: Drunks | Family ties | Feelings | Washington, DC | Posted 2010-03-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or All the Dogs You've Ever Owned
Girl #1: So my two-year-old cousin... You know, the one who laughs at me, and threw his bottle and his book at me?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: Well, this one time he like pushed me down on the floor, and like... licked my face.
Girl #2: Wow! Your two-year-old cousin is like a combination of all the boys you've met here.
London
Ontario
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Compare and contrast | Family ties | Girls | Kids | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2010-03-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Really Into Suffering, Are They?
Older lady, to friend: If your husband dies they'll find you a new one, the Jewish people.
Kansas
Categories: Death & dying | Family ties | Kansas | Religion | Women | Posted 2010-03-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Gays Have to Speak in Code in Utah
Man #1: I hate football.
Man #2: Me too.
Man #1: If my son ever wants to play football, I'll disown him.
Man #2: Me too.
(long pause)
Man #2: My dad loves football.
Man #1: Mine too.
Gold's Gym
Orem, Utah
Overheard by: Weskimo
Categories: Family ties | Gripes | Guys | Utah | Posted 2010-03-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Police Will Ask Questions You Don't Want to Answer
Mother to daughter: Just remember, honey, next time you borrow my dildo, don't get blood on it.
Leeds
England
Categories: England | Family ties | Masturbation | Moms | Parenting | Toys | Posted 2010-03-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...According to Perez.
Small child to father: You're a sad puppy that burps. You're a stinky puppy that's sad... and burps.
Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com
Overheard by: elizabeth
Categories: Animals | Burping & farting | Compare and contrast | Family ties | Overheard in PDX | Should have used a condom | Posted 2010-03-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
For Sheer Drama, Jersey Shore Has Nothing on the North Shore
Restaurant waitress, ranting: If my family weren't here I would take my shoe off and stab you in the eye with it.
Saugus, Massachusetts
Categories: Bartenders | Body parts | Family ties | Massachusetts | Shoes | Threats | Posted 2010-02-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Be Careful Whose Army You Enlist In, Dear Reader
Very tall woman: I never hear you talk about your uncle. Is he dead?
Short man: No, he's still alive, but he's a Nazi.
Very tall woman: Ha ha.
Short man: No, really. He's a Nazi. He was in the SS and everything.
Burlington, Vermont
Overheard by: Sweenan A. Mornstuy
Categories: Death & dying | Family ties | Guys | Vermont | Women | Posted 2010-02-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Next on Maury
Brunette: And then he called me back ten minutes later and told me his brother got his girlfriend pregnant, and she's like sixteen or something.
Blonde: Is he mad his brother and his girlfriend hooked up?
Brunette: He's got more serious issues dating a child and shit.
Kent State University
Kent, Ohio
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Family ties | Girls | Ohio | Pregnancy | Sex | Posted 2010-02-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Can I Live With You This Summer?
Chipper guy: Everyone in my family, except for my little brother I think, is suicidal. They're all just like "blah blah blah... kill myself."
Florida Atlantic University
Overheard by: Kiwi
Categories: Character | Colleges & Universities | Death & dying | Family ties | Florida | Guys | Posted 2010-02-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Shouldn't Have Skipped the Preliminaries
Girl #1: It is so hard getting laid living with my brother. I am a fucking loud girl when it's going on. For me to be quiet has been hard as hell.
Girl #2: Maybe get him to gag you, you'll like it and you will be quiet, that is what I found myself getting into.
Girl #1: I don't know, maybe I will try it, but I can't be doing that with a guy I meet on the first night.
Girl #3: It would be like anything else: try it a few times, if you don't like it find something else.
Girl #1: Last time I did that I tried anal, and that did not end well.
Girls #2 and #3: (laugh hard)
Girl #2: I remember that disaster.
Bar
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Backdoor | Bars & Clubs | Family ties | Girls | Kink | Pennsylvania | Sex | Posted 2010-02-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And It's Not So Much "Pick Up" As "Break Out"
Little girl pointing to City Hall: That's where we pick up daddy!
Mom: No, it's across the street at the jail.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: not good
Categories: Crimes | Family ties | Kids | Moms | Overheard in Minneapolis | Parenting | Posted 2010-02-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Which Possibly Means I'm Growing As a Person
Girl #1: How's your sister?
Girl #2: She's a whore. If she wasn't pregnant, I'd go beat her ass.
University of New Orleans, Louisiana
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Family ties | Girls | Insults | Louisiana | Pregnancy | Posted 2010-02-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Preferably in the Drawing Room With a Candlestick
Young woman shouting to older gentleman: Why can't Dr Molar do his own wife?
Olive Garden
Indianapolis, Indiana
Categories: Family ties | Guys | Indiana | Questions | Restaurants | Sex | Women | Posted 2010-01-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Jo Introduces Herself to Blair for the First Time
College student to roommate: My family heirloom is a neon beer light. And a coffee mug.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Larissa
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Family ties | Food | Oregon | Students | Posted 2010-01-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Didn't Expect the Irish to Be Such Pussies
Coworker: Where were you? You were meant to be in work at 7!
Drunk Slovakian guy arriving at work: I drank Jack Daniels until 5 this morning, then went to bed. I woke at nine and fucked Jane, then got my brother to drop me off at work.
Craigavon
Northern Ireland
Categories: Coworkers | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Family ties | Foreigners | Ireland | Questions | Sex | Posted 2010-01-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Do You Want Me to Divorce You, Too?
Very well-behaved boy: Mom, I have been so good lately, can I please get a toy?
Very patient mom: Do you have any money?
Very well-behaved boy: Um... no, but you do. I looked in your wallet this morning.
Very patient mom: That's snooping!
Very well-behaved boy: Well, daddy does it all the time!
Salem, New Hampshire
Overheard by: Jenna
Categories: Family ties | Kids | Moms | Money | New Hampshire | Parenting | Questions | Shopping | Should have used a condom | Toys | Posted 2010-01-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'll Stick to My Placenta Face-Cream, Thank You Very Much
Male wedding-goer to female wedding-goer: Oh, you guys work here? Excellent! My sister's husband, oh, I mean my brother-in-law, sells semen. Bull semen.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: best pick-up line ever
Categories: Animals | Cum | Family ties | Jobs & Careers | Overheard in Minneapolis | Strangers | Weirdness | Posted 2010-01-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The New Party Game That's Sweeping Pennsylvania!
Girl to friend: Which would you rather die first, the dog or your dad?
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Animals | Compare and contrast | Death & dying | Family ties | Friends | Girls | Pennsylvania | Questions | Posted 2010-01-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Okay, You Don't Have to Show Me.
Grandson, watching grandmother hold cigar as if it was a joint: If grandma takes off her bra and burns it, I'm gonna freak out.
Grandma: Oh, Simon! I'm not wearing one.
Spencer, Iowa
No One Expects Me to Understand Technology
Old Midwestern lady #1: All these kids bringing their videos games everywhere!
Old Midwestern lady #2: It's depressing! My son-in-law brings his laptop everywhere. Always on the internet.
Old Midwestern lady #1: Is he using one of those blueberries? Or blackpods?
Old Midwestern lady #2: I don't know, I'm just glad I'm old.
Newark, New Jersey
Overheard by: thankfully on a different flight
Categories: Age and ageing | Family ties | Gadgets | Games | Gripes | Internet | Kids | Laptops | New Jersey | Old folks | Women | Posted 2010-01-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Don't Remember the Plot Of Of Mice and Men Going Quite That Way
Teacher: So, he gets this chick to marry him and she leaves her princess life in wherever, and now he's dreaming about mud!
Columbia, Missouri
Categories: Education | Family ties | Missouri | Teachers | Weirdness | Posted 2010-01-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Mom Still Reminisces Fondly About the First Visit from the Police
Girl: When I see small children, I feel like I owe my mother an apology.
Baltimore, MD
Overheard by: Ren
How About "Bacterial Infections Are for Pussies"?
College girl #1: You know how that rumor got started? Because you denied him. It happened to my mom in high school.
College girl #2: "Just because I didn't sleep with you doesn't mean I have chlamydia!" I so need a shirt that says that.
London
Ontario
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Clothes | Education | Family ties | Gripes | STDs | Sex | Sorority types | Posted 2009-12-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That Is So Cliche.
Working-class hippie: Oh, I have another porn story!
Foreign hippie: The one about your mom?
Working-class hippie: No, no, this one's about Matt*--my surrogate father.
Amherst, Massachusetts
Categories: Family ties | Foreigners | Hippies | Massachusetts | Parenting | Porn | Posted 2009-12-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Tonight on Graze Anatomy
Little boy to grandmother: My mommy's held a cow brain.
Borders Bookstore
Alameda, California
Overheard by: Lith
Categories: Animals | Body parts | California | Family | Family ties | Kids | Kids | Parenting | Stores | Posted 2009-12-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...So Most Of You Got That Wrong on the Midterm.
Psychology professor at all-women college: Personality disorders are the people you end up married to.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Sabrina
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Family ties | Maryland | Mental illnesses | Relationships | Teachers | Posted 2009-12-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Before Church.
Middle aged woman with grandchildren, at 11:30 am: I just took the kids out to breakfast and now I need to go home and have me a Jack Daniels.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: Les
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Family ties | Food | Kids | Overheard in Minneapolis | Women | Posted 2009-12-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
According to This Algorithm.
Man: I'm too old for overnight adventures.
Woman: You're too married.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: garage girl #1
Categories: Age and ageing | Family ties | Guys | Overheard in Minneapolis | Women | Posted 2009-12-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ironically, That's When I Realized We Were Lost.
Girl: So then she told me her sister decided to major in geography. I had to pull over to the side of the road because I was laughing so hard.
Massachusetts
Overheard by: English Major
Categories: Education | Family ties | Geography | Girls | Massachusetts | Posted 2009-12-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Isn't That a Little Advanced for Ninth Grade Biology?
Woman: So, now they're testing for incest.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: Me
Categories: Family ties | Overheard in Minneapolis | Science | Sex | Women | Posted 2009-12-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Disposed Of Her Along with the Tree
Woman to companion, while waiting for bus: So, it was really lucky that grandma died on Christmas, because we just drove down and went from there. Otherwise, we would have had to drive down twice.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: ...you're kind of a bitch
Categories: Death & dying | Family ties | Feelings | Overheard in Minneapolis | Women | Posted 2009-12-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Way Too Shallow to Date a Bald Guy.
Young woman on cell: Who is this? (pause) He is my baby, not my boyfriend! I told you that. (short pause) What's wrong with you?
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: yikes!
Categories: Family ties | On the phone | Overheard in Minneapolis | Questions | Relationships | Women | Posted 2009-12-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Where They Speak Guatlish
Older woman: Susie's daughter adopted two little Guatemalites... Guatemalians?
Younger woman: Guatemalans.
Older woman: Yeah, you know, from Guatemalia.
Younger woman: Uhhhh...
Sacramento, California
Categories: California | Family ties | Geography | Kids | Stupidity | Women | Words | Posted 2009-12-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Know All Too Well About Her Penchant for Doggy Style
Dude #1: So then I was like, "take that back, you bitch!"
Dude #2: Whoa man, then what happened?
Dude #1: She bent over, and then it hit her that I wasn't trying to bone her doggy style. I dumped her two minutes later.
Dude #2: Haha, yeah! That's my sister for you!
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Stephanie C.
The Sentiment Behind the Casting Of Every Boy Band, Ever.
Girl: He's like my brother... that I occasionally have an incestuous relationship with.
Auckland
New Zealand
Overheard by: Lisa Arthur
Categories: Compare and contrast | Family ties | Girls | New Zealand | Sex | Posted 2009-12-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Well What's Spanish for "Cornholing"?
Spanish teacher, teaching tenses: If your parents were away, what would you do?
Student: I would do Jeff!
(class laughs)
Student: No, I mean I would invite Jeff over!
Spanish teacher: That doesn't make it sound any better.
High School
Concord, North Carolina
Overheard by: Mary
Categories: Family ties | North Carolina | Parenting | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Sex | Students | Teachers | Weirdness | Words | Posted 2009-11-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's What You Said About the Guy Who Was Blowing You Yesterday
Policewoman: I seen you beggin'. You don't know that guy, but he gave you money.
Hobo: Sweetness, sweetness, listen. That's my brother.
Policewoman: You have a white brother?
Hobo: My brother in Christ.
Urbana, Illinois
Categories: Cops | Family ties | Hobos | Illinois | Jesus | Money | Panhandling | Questions | Race | Posted 2009-11-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Great Motor Skills for a 1-Year-Old, Though.
Suit #1, referring to scar on suit #2's throat: What happened to you?
Suit #2: My daughter is batshit. What of it?
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Julia
Categories: Body parts | Colorado | Family ties | Health & Hygiene | Questions | Suits | Posted 2009-11-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Could Just Steal the Boxed Set, Sweetie.
Teenage daughter: Mom, I have a plan for my future.
Mother: And what's that?
Teenage daughter: Save someone's life so they are indebted to me and will buy me the complete Twilight Zone boxed set.
Mother: Between this and your brother who I haven't seen in four days, I don't think I screwed up at all.
Highlands Ranch, Colorado
Overheard by: Julia
Categories: Colorado | Compare and contrast | Family ties | Moms | Parenting | Stupidity | TV shows | Teens | Posted 2009-11-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
She's Canadian.
Hipster girl: Oh, look, there's a movie theata here too!
Hipster guy: Movie "theata"? Wow, you do have an accent... but your sister, she's really got an accent!
Hipster girl: Actually, she has a speech impediment.
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Compare and contrast | Family ties | Health & Hygiene | Hipsters | Language barrier | Massachusetts | Words | Posted 2009-11-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Knew This "Ellen" Haircut Was a Mistake
Two-year-old: Mommy!
Tired teen girl: I'm not your mommy.
Two-year-old: Daddy?
Preschool
Denver, Colorado
Categories: Colorado | Family ties | Kids | Kids | Questions | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Teens | Posted 2009-11-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Guess Everything Really Is Bigger in Texas
New Yorker, trying to get through a crowd of people blocking aisle: Excuse me. Excuse me! Excuse me!
Confused little boy: I already moved.
New Yorker: Oh, I know you have, dear. I was talking to your fat-ass mother.
Grocery Store
Austin, Texas
Categories: Ass | Assholes | Diet & weight | Family ties | Insults | Kids | Kids | Moms | Stores | Texas | Posted 2009-11-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Well, When the Penis Is Erect and the Vagina Is Lubricated...
Gangsta guy: So Brenda had sex with her cousin, but didn't know it was her cousin.
Woman: How do you do that?!
DePaul University
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Family ties | Illinois | Questions | Sex | Thugs | Women | Posted 2009-11-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's the Last Time I'll Give Her Something for Safekeeping
Bro to friend: Well, that's in your sister's vagina, so I don't know how you feel about that.
High School
Illinois
Overheard by: Chloe
Categories: Family ties | Feelings | Friends | Illinois | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Vagina | Posted 2009-11-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Were Conceived Right Here in Aisle Four
Father to three-year-old daughter, after she took her shirt off: Just like your mother.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: is that how you met her?
Categories: Clothes | Compare and contrast | Dads | Family ties | Kids | Kids | Overheard in Minneapolis | Parenting | Posted 2009-11-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Did They All Eat at Red Lobster Before They Died?
Father to 20-something daughter: One of these days we are going to have to take you on a trip and show you where everyone in the family is buried.
Daughter, dryly: That would be a lively trip.
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: It would be a trip to die for
Categories: Dads | Death & dying | Family ties | Girls | Utah | Weirdness | Words | Posted 2009-11-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's Also Sad, but for Different Reasons
Girl #1: It so sad that racism is still a problem in Canada.
Girl #2: I know what you mean, the other day my mother-in-law went to a variety store, and she, like, couldn't get served in English.
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Sad York Student
Categories: Canadia | Family ties | Girls | Language barrier | Race | Shopping | Stupidity | Posted 2009-10-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Plus, Mom and Aunt Betty Stopped Speaking
High school girl to friend: And then I... oh, wait... I heard this from from my boyfriend, and I just can't believe it. I can't believe you stopped dating your cousin!
Friend: I know, but it just wasn't working out.
Colton, California
Overheard by: Kip K.E.H.
Categories: California | Family ties | Friends | Relationships | Students | Posted 2009-10-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When Momma Grows Red Fur, Then We'll Talk.
Dad: Does Gracie love momma?
Toddler: Pshnoooooo.
Dad: Does Gracie love Elmo?
Toddler: Yeah!
Target
Nashville, Tennessee
No! Haven't You Been Listening?
Lady 1: So they're getting married now.
Lady 2: But I thought she had a baby.
Lady 1: Yes, but it's his brother's. See, her sister wanted to be with him so she told him her sister couldn't have normal children. It turns out she's the one who can't have children.
Lady 2: Oh... so they're getting married?
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Confused listener
Categories: Birthing | Family ties | Kids | Questions | Relationships | Stupidity | Utah | Women | Posted 2009-10-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Incestuous Cirque Du Soleil Porn Is a Joy to Watch
Guy: Yeah, and then there was uncle Marty, who was on his knees throwing balls at her...
Sydney
Australia
Categories: Australia | Balls | Body parts | Family ties | Guys | Sex | Posted 2009-10-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...I Was Born to Be a Reality-Show Contestant
Skinny girl: My sister is on a diet now, I don't like it. First she's taller than me, but that's okay, I got over it. I just don't want her to be skinnier than me.
Guy friend: You should be happy for her.
Skinny girl: No way! I'm below that.
Vancouver
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Compare and contrast | Diet & weight | Family ties | Friends | Girls | Guys | Happiness | Skinny people | Stupidity | Posted 2009-10-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You've Got a Name Tag Pinned to Your Sweater
Aunt Sherry: You have to hold my hand or else I might get lost. Then, what will happen?
Sassy preschooler: You'll be alright, aunt Sherry.
Northville, Michigan
Overheard by: older sassy girl
That's Why Her Name Is Bjorrjammijjinanan
Shorter kid playing basketball to taller kid: Your dad bought your mom at Ikea!
Watertown, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Ariel
Categories: Family ties | Kids | Kids | Massachusetts | Parenting | Relationships | Shopping | Posted 2009-10-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Never Know Which One Will Be Your Last One
Drunk young girl: Whatever. She could have had sex whenever she wanted.
Drunk mother: Well, she's beat you by a few years!
Drunk grandmother: I haven't had sex in such a long time.
The Keg
Vancouver
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Drunks | Family | Family ties | Moms | Parenting | Sex | Time Management | Wishes | Posted 2009-10-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or Clean Up the Blood Again
Girl #1: So my mom is getting married to that guy she met on the internet.
Girl #2: Internet? He might be a serial killer!
Girl #1: Yeah, but she lives in Florida, so at least I don't have to hear about it.
Bathrooms
Cinema, Illinois
Categories: Family ties | Girls | Illinois | Internet | Murder | Parenting | Relationships | Restroom | Posted 2009-10-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
What's More Natural Than Fondling a Relative's Artificial Breast?
Daughter in dressing room: Go ahead, feel them!
Mom in dressing room: No!
Daughter: Really, the point is to feel how natural they feel! I'm going to want to feel yours when you get them.
York, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Kendal
Categories: Family ties | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Moms | Parenting | Pennsylvania | Rack | Wishes | Posted 2009-10-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Maybe Stop Voting Republican?
Guy: My mom hit my dad with a frying pan. He doesn't have a cheek anymore. It's been entirely restructured. She used to beat the shit out of him! It was so funny. But when he drunk--that's when she'd get a beating.
Girl, sympathetically: Your family...
Guy: Oh, I love my family! I don't know what I'd do without them!
Neptune City, New Jersey
Categories: Body parts | Drinking & drunks | Family ties | Feelings | Girls | Guys | New Jersey | Relationships | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2009-09-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Tonight on John and Kate Plus 9MM
Chemistry lab professor: Families work well only if they are close-knit. Unlike those people who went and had eight kids. Who cares about them? I wish someone would just go shoot them.
Edison State College
Fort Myers, Florida
Overheard by: Chikara
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Family ties | Florida | Kids | Murder | Teachers | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2009-09-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
These Are the Moments They'll Cherish Forever
Mom to six-year-old daughter: Naiya, you better not be swimming in that toilet, or I will punch you in the neck!
Restaurant Bathroom
Delaware
Overheard by: Laughing Neighbor
Categories: Body parts | Delaware | Family ties | Kids | Kids | Moms | Parenting | Restaurants | Restroom | Threats | Weirdness | Posted 2009-09-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
After They Moved Him, I Found Five Dollars Under the Cushion!
Woman #1, at party: Oh, hi, Lisa, how are you?
Woman #2, shrugging: Okay, I guess.
Woman #1: Where's your husband? Did you bring John with you?
Woman #2: Oh, you didn't hear? John died two weeks ago. He died sitting in his chair.
Kentucky
Categories: Death & dying | Family ties | Kentucky | Questions | Relationships | Women | Posted 2009-09-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We Could Spend Hours Complaining to Them About the High Price Of Orange Juice, If We Wanted!
Lady, looking out the window at Mini Cooper: But it's no good for me--it doesn't have any backdoors for the grandkids!
Son-in-law: But that's great! Then they can't get out!
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: Cassie Barlow
To Use a Completely Hypothetical Anecdote
Professor: Fluorine is to chlorine as chlorine is to Kool-Aid. If you inhale chlorine, it burns your nose--you inhale fluorine and it'll eat your face and look for your family.
San Diego State University
San Diego, California
Categories: Body parts | California | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Education | Family ties | Health & Hygiene | Science | Sensory experiences | Teachers | Posted 2009-09-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
She's Self-conscious Enough About Her Stigmata
Girl: Stop talking about my sister's holes!
Denmark
Categories: Europe | Family ties | Girls | Vagina | Posted 2009-09-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Much Like My Soul!
Girl on cell: Yeah, so I'm going to tell my mom that he asked me to marry him, and then he died. (pause) Yeah, she'll probably ask if I need anything, and that's when I'll tell her about the car. (pause) Yeah, I'll be heartbroken, blah, blah, blah... at least I'll get a new car out of the deal! (pause) He's a made-up boyfriend! She's not going to find out he didn't really die, because he never really existed!
San Marcos, California
Categories: California | Death & dying | Family ties | Feelings | Girls | Lies | On the phone | Parenting | Relationships | Weirdness | Posted 2009-09-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If You Like Mental Calisthenics, You'll Love This Quote!
17-year-old mom: And she thought that you were my mom!
18-year-old friend, gesturing to baby: Wait... so is this your sister or my grandchild?
Northampton, Massachusetts
Categories: Family ties | Friends | Kids | Massachusetts | Moms | Parenting | Questions | Posted 2009-09-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Fabio's Kids Are Quite the Handful
Mother to daughter: I think it's time to cut your hair again.
Daughter: No! I don't want it cut! You only cut it a few weeks ago! It's not fair! Why can't I have long hair? (pointing at passenger) She has long hair! (pointing at girl) She has long hair. Everyone has long hair except for me!
Son, smugly: Except for boys. (pause) But daddy has long hair...
Daughter: Even daddy has long hair! She has long hair, she has long hair--everyone has long hair except for me!
Perth
Australia
Overheard by: Emily B.
Categories: Australia | Compare and contrast | Family | Family ties | Hair | Moms | Parenting | Siblings | Strangers | Posted 2009-09-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That, or the Mescaline Is Finally Kicking In.
Man with Mohawk on cell: Okay, so I'm not technically the father but there are 27 baby boa constrictors over here that all have Mohawks.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: cgt
Categories: Animals | Family ties | Guys | Hair | Illinois | On the phone | Parenting | Posted 2009-09-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or the Bomb on This Bus Will Explode!
Girl to boyfriend: Hold on, sweetie, I need to give my sister a call.
Boyfriend: No. I can't stop making out with you.
Cherry Hill, New Jersey
Categories: Couples | Family ties | K-I-S-S-I-N-G | New Jersey | Posted 2009-09-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If You Run Into Them at a Bar Just Walk Away, or I Will Fail You
Professor: I have kids. I might have grandkids, but with my children... that probably shouldn't happen.
Arcadia University
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Family ties | Kids | Parenting | Pennsylvania | Teachers | Posted 2009-09-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Speaking Of Things That Need to Stay in Vegas
Guy, telling everyone about a massage: You know how grandma's hands are real soft?
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Craig
Categories: Family ties | Guys | Hands | Masturbation | Nevada | Questions | Sensory experiences | Posted 2009-09-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Translation: He's Been Too Happy Lately
Son: Mommy, why are you going through daddy's phone?
Mother: Because I love him!
Panera
Howell, New Jersey
Categories: Cell phones | Family ties | Feelings | Infidelity | Kids | Kids | Moms | New Jersey | Questions | Posted 2009-09-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
He Doesn't Fulfill Such Pedestrian Requests
Girl #1: I wish we had the same size feet.
Girl #2: Well, it's your fault.
Girl #1: How is it my fault? It's not like one day I woke up and was like, "yo Jesus, make my feet three sizes bigger than my sister's."
Roosevelt Field
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: greg
Categories: Body parts | Compare and contrast | Family ties | Girls | Jesus | New York | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2009-08-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Thought the Baby Was Just a Really Small Twink
Guy: Are they gay?
Friend: Yes, they're holding hands and wearing the same clothing.
(15 seconds later)
Guy: Are they gay?
Girl: That's a family.
Hillcrest, California
Categories: California | Clothes | Clothing | Family ties | Friends | Girls | Guys | Questions | Sexuality | Stupidity | Posted 2009-08-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
My Dad Kept Telling People to Kill Me
Student #1: I told my dad I wanted to be famous, and he told me I should kill someone. I was like, seven.
Student #2: At least he's supportive.
Philedelphia University, Pennsylvania
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Family ties | Murder | Parenting | Pennsylvania | Students | Stupidity | Wishes | Posted 2009-08-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Beanstalk Giant Always Had Trouble Fitting In.
Teenager, chasing after young boy on bike: I'm gonna eat your children!
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Li'l Bit
I Wondered Why She Was So Hairy.
College guy #1: Hey, remember that time I fucked your mom in the ass?
College guy #2: Hey, remember that time I dressed up as my mom?
Fulton, Missouri
Overheard by: The Sweetheart
Categories: Ass | Backdoor | Clothing | Comebacks | Family ties | Frat boy types | Missouri | Questions | Posted 2009-08-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
She Wears Steel-Toed Boots.
Teen #1: I could fuck your sister.
Teen #2: Yeah? Well, I could fuck a horse.
Teen #1: No you couldn't.
Teen #2: Why not?
Teen #1: You can't just sneak up on a horse and fuck it in the ass.
Teen #2: I wouldn't sneak up on it, I'd let it know I was there.
Teen #1: You'll get kicked in the face. And you'll die.
Teen #2, quietly: Whatever, dude... Just don't fuck my sister!
New York City, New York
Categories: Animals | Ass | Death & dying | Family ties | New York | Sex | Teens | Violence | Posted 2009-08-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's Become Illegal to Take Them Through Airports
Middle-aged man on bus: I made the mistake of letting my grandkids come over Saturday. They are nothing but little virus factories!
Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com
Overheard by: micah
Categories: Bus | Compare and contrast | Family ties | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Kids | Maladies | Overheard in PDX | Posted 2009-08-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Guess Which One's the Good Cop?
Six-year-old girl: Dad, I want to see snow!
Six-year-old girl's twin: Me toooo!
Dad: But girls, it doesn't snow down here--you have to go up north for that.
Six-year-old girl: Then let's go up north!
Six-year-old girl's twin: To the North Pole!
Dad: Yeah! But you know what, mom won't let us.
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Though This Is More Like a Guatemalan Mother Of Four
Girl, as friend shows apparently horrible picture of new driver's license: Oh, honey, it's okay! As my sister always says, everyone has their Puerto Rican orphan moment, one time or another...
Arabian Restaurant
São Paulo
Brazil
Overheard by: henrietta
Categories: Beauty | Brazil | Family ties | Friends | Girls | Restaurants | Posted 2009-08-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Let's Hope to God It's Perez Hilton
(little girl is spinning and singing in grocery store line)
Dad, very calmly: Honey... Next time the gypsies come to town, they're leaving with an extra person.
Severna Park, Maryland
She's Broken a Lot Of Gay Hearts
Asian teenage girl, about sister who just left: She's so cute. She looks like a guy.
Sporting Carnival
Australia
Overheard by: Ouch
Categories: Asians | Australia | Beauty | Compare and contrast | Family ties | Sexuality | Teens | Posted 2009-07-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
These Cardboard Cut-Outs Were a Great Idea!
Grandma, with camera, to grandson (on Father's Day): Jordan! Go pose over there next to dad, dad, and daddy.
Macaroni Grill
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: SoConfused
Categories: Family | Family ties | Florida | Parenting | Restaurants | Posted 2009-07-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Can I Get a High Five? Anybody? Anybody?
Man with sons and wife: We made good time. Only took an hour.
Wife, getting angry: Would you stop letting people know how ignorant you really are?
Man: So what? We did the Louvre in 45 minutes.
Reina Sofia Museum
Madrid
Spain
Overheard by: amy abes
Categories: Comebacks | Family | Family ties | Insults | Questions | Spain | Stupidity | Time Management | Posted 2009-07-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
In Hindsight, the Bible Could Have Been a Lot Worse
Young teenage girl with pink furry boots, rainbow hair, and seven facial piercings: Hey, if you were god, what would you do?
Young teenage boy with shaggy hair, acne, and a little boy face: I'd kill my foster parents.
Young teenage girl, totally ignoring her friend's response: I would totally make the world flat, so we could travel just by folding it in half. Imagine how much time and money I would save everyone!
Packed Train during Rush Hour
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
But They're Also Mother and Daughter
Airhead #1: Are you cousins with her?
Airhead #2: Not really... her mom and my mom are sisters.
Toronto
Ontario
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Family ties | Idiots | Questions | Stupidity | Posted 2009-07-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If You Don't Accept My Low, Low Introductory Offer Right Now
Mother to kid: Stop that right now, or I'm going to give you to a stranger!
Stranger: Good luck finding one who'll take her.
The Baltimore Aquarium
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Cols
Categories: Family ties | Kids | Maryland | Moms | Parenting | Should have used a condom | Strangers | Threats | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Judging from What I've Seen on YouTube
Teen daughter: Mom, what does an orgasm feel like?
Mom, looking at older daughter: Ask your sister, she'd probably know better than I would.
Portland, Oregon
It Was Softball League-- We'd Both Been Drinking
Supportive male friend: It's okay! Just remember, you fucked her sister with a baseball bat.
Cute girl: I know, I know...
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Then I Found Out She Had an Anne Frank Fetish and I Was Like, "Whew!"
Barmaid: I was having sex with a girl, and in the heat of the moment she called me Frank. Which is horrifying, as that's her dad's name.
Pub
Surrey
England
Categories: Baristas | Bars & Clubs | England | Family ties | Names | Sex | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Badly
Teenage boy, pointing at his dad: Kill him!
Mom: I can't do that! He just got his hair cut!
Dagenham
Essex
England
Overheard by: Anthony Mercer
The New Oxyclean Commercials Aren't for Everyone
Young man on cell: So there's someone cleaning their floor with the blood of one of their relatives, and it's like...a bit much, you know?
Bus, Denmark Hill
London
England
Overheard by: trying not to turn around
Categories: Bus | Cleanliness | England | Family ties | Guys | Health & Hygiene | On the phone | Posted 2009-07-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Was Gonna Give Up the Baby Anyway
Teenage girl #1 in high school bathroom: I'm excited that I'm pregnant, it just sucks that I'll have to give up drinking.
Teenage girl #2: Why? I didn't!
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: not surprised
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Drinking & drunks | Family ties | Gripes | Health & Hygiene | Indiana | Parenting | Questions | Teens | Posted 2009-07-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
There's One in Every Family
Little boy: Mommmmmm, I want a pet mouse.
Mother: No.
Little boy: Please? It can live in my room!
Mother: No! You know what will happen. I'll spend a hundred dollars on cages and food and toys, and Terry will just eat the bloody thing.
Pet shop worker to little boy: Is Terry your cat?
Little boy: No, my brother.
Pet Shop
Greensborough
Australia
Overheard by: Suitably Impressed
She's Always Regretted Not Attending Finishing School
Girl #1: Wait, your mom is 50?
Girl #2: No, she just pees a lot.
Charleston, South Carolina
Overheard by: Aubree
Categories: Age and ageing | Family ties | Girls | Pee | Questions | South Carolina | Posted 2009-07-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Bet You Don't Know About Her Meth Problem!
Mother: Do you know about the tooth fairy?
Toddler: Yeah!
Mother: No, you don't.
Fleetwood, New York
Overheard by: Deek
Categories: Body parts | Family ties | Kids | Kids | Magic | Moms | New York | Parenting | Questions | Posted 2009-07-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Let Me Explain Mimes to You Again...
Guy: Dude! Your sister lives in a box!
Arizona
Categories: Arizona | Family ties | Guys | Weirdness | Posted 2009-06-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Porky Pig Has Some 'Splaining to Do
Mom to six-year-old: I'm not buying this whole "selective stuttering" thing.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Pearls Of Wisdom from How to Raise a Serial Killer
Rich mother: Well, you'll just have to hold it! You can't go to the bathroom around here! They are positively disgusting, you'll die!
Little child, crying: Please, mommy, I need to go!
Rich mother: Don't you value your life?
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: Alex Ello
Categories: Death & dying | Family ties | Health & Hygiene | Kids | Kids | Maryland | Moms | Parenting | Poop | Stupidity | Posted 2009-06-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But We'll Learn Better Ways to Do That in This Class
Professor: At concerts, you move your head in an up-and-down motion in certain parts, also known as "headbanging." You may also be Satanic. You may or may not, or you might just to piss off your parents.
Shout-out: www.overheardatumbc.com
Categories: Evil | Family ties | Music | Overheard at UMBC | Teachers | Words | Posted 2009-06-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook