Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | Topics

Doesn't That Make Me More Of a Lady?

Sewing machine shop customer #1: How often should I get my machine serviced?
Sewing machine shop customer #2: Gosh, I've never had my machine serviced!
Sewing machine shop owner: You are not a lady!

Shout-out: www.violaraptor.co.uk

Overheard by: Raptor

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...But Does It Matter?

Girl #1, reading a text: Oh my god, now he says that when I get home he's going to eat the shit out of that apple pie.
Girl #2: Does he know we've been using apple pie as a euphemism for sex all day?
Girl #1: No...

Gaithersburg, Maryland

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Good Luck Filling My Cup, Sir

Male customer: Since you're new, I will order slowly. (proceeds to do so)
Cute female barista, after writing down: Okay, that wasn't so hard!
Male customer: Oh, I'll give you something hard... Oh, wait, did that come out wrong?

Roswell, Georgia

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Because This Is New Jersey, Bitch!

Girl #1, discussing her boobs: I have lemons! What do you have?
Girl #2: Shit, I have watermelons.
Girl #3, grabbing her own boobs: I have cantaloupes.
Girl #1: Why are you grabbing your cantaloupes?

Jersey City, New Jersey

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Shit, That's What the Bible Says

Professor, discussing sperm's passage to egg: "Come and chase me!" That's what the woman says.

Saint Peter's College
New Jersey

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Are You Talking About Conversation or Fellatio?

Boyfriend to boyfriend: Yesterday Hughes came over and, well, exploded my brain, basically. I was like "ahh!"

Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: laughing on the inside

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Stoned Friends: Oooo...

Guy to friends: In his backyard were six tortured dogs. (pause) And those dogs were us!

York University
Canadia

Overheard by: that guys cat

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Elizabeth Taylor Would Soon Realize Her Goal

Girl to friend: If I'm 80 and still alive, I'm going to eat the whole world.

South Bend, Indiana

Overheard by: Carole

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And He Prefers to Feel His Moon in My Seventh House

Girl #1: I mean, there's condoms for free in the student center! Why don't you guys use protection?!
Girl #2: Sigh. I don't know. I think because I'm a Gemini.

Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Who has this conversation when I'm sitting right next to them?

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

What? Two Bugs Are Having a Race.

Very large man, staring down at his junk in front of urinal: Come on now, baby, you can do it, come on...

Houston, Texas

Overheard by: Dan

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Then He Juggled Them While Drinking a Glass Of Water

Hottied-out college girl: So I was, like, drunk, and I fell down on the bed, and he helped me up with his balls. (friends stare uncomfortably) What? That's not a euphemism for sex! He *literally* helped me up with his balls.

University of Delaware

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On the Other Hand, Mocking You Is Both.

College girl #1: It was fun because it was easy.
College girl #2: Emily*, not all easy things are fun...like, I hear you're not that fun.

Borders
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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And the Lake's Still Frozen

Chick: The peeing politician doesn't float my boat.

Michigan

Overheard by: Meister E

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Is That by Herbal Essences?

Bottle blonde: Oh my god, you have to tell me where you got your color done!
Natural blonde gentleman: Bitch, this comes from Adonis genes gifted from on high.

Tampa, Florida

Overheard by: Dr. Iniego Strangelove

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And Check Whether It's Honorable or Dishonorable

Girl to friend wearing a short skirt: Ooooooh girl, if you bend over I could see all your discharge!

Ikea Parking Lot
Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: The Rex

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At This Point in My Life, They're Semi-Precious

Instructor: I may have to open my kimono and give him access to my jewels. (entire class chuckles)

College Lecture
Dayton, Ohio

Overheard by: Mandi

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It Has the Jonas Brothers' Faces on It

Little boy: Look! An end-of-the world watch!

Smith's Marketplace
Salt Lake City, Utah

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As It Says My Big Book Of Things Only Men Are Fired for Saying

Professor to girl walking into class with a large box: Wow, you have such a big package! (entire class starts laughing) I am so getting fired today.

Emerson College
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: miao miao

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More Blowback from American Imperialism Abroad

Girl talking to two people about to take a nap: I'm going to colonize your bodies when you sleep.

Dorm, UCSC
California

Overheard by: Derrick

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I've Got the List Whittled Down to Me, You, and Anderson Cooper

Punk dude: I have the ability to decide who deserves a soul.

Manitou Springs, Colorado

Overheard by: Nathan Brauner

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I Know It's Badminton, but It Feels So Goodminton

Physical education teacher, demonstrating the overhead smash in badminton: So I'm gonna find myself in a bad position and Sean is just gonna unload on me.

Monson, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Sarah

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At McCain and Obama's Sixth Debate

Guy #1: If I had to pick between icy and creamy, I'd go with a little icy.
Guy #2: I disagree, and let me tell you why.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Emily

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Explains Why You Don't Allow Us Bathroom Breaks

Professor to 20-something assistants, about sighting them at a bar: So, I thought I saw you the other night, but I wasn't sure because I thought that all you do is type.

UC Merced
Merced, California

Overheard by: Seriously?

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Thanks, Airfone!

Girl to friend: So on the way here, I joined the mile high club...by myself!

Auburn University
Auburn, Alabama

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Now I Have a Little More Captain in Me Than Most People

30-something white lady: I just shove it down my pants. But it's not beer, it's Captain Morgan!

BART Escalator
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: Hott Bi Luv

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Perhaps the Most Horrifying Win-Win Ever

(outside the university library)
Guy #1: So you scored.
Guy #2: And I know the holocaust inside and out.

Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia

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It's Been There Since the Eighties

Woman to friend: He didn't know what to do with his chicken, so he stuffed it in his pants.

Stanley Park
Vancouver
Canadia

Overheard by: shiz

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Except for the One Guy Who Said I Could Use a Cup

Bimbette shouting from crowd: Why does everyone want me to eat shit out of their mouths today?

Michigan Tech
Houghton, Michigan

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If You Know What I Mean

Girl to friend: I gave my ostrich a fur coat.

Rich Catholic Girls School
St. Louis, Missouri

Overheard by: Sarah

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Montreal's Porn Industry Has All the Latest Technology

Girl: Oh, hold on, I have to ejaculate my disk.

Montreal
Quebec
Canadia

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What a Great Piece of Ash

(at the woodcarving tent)
Pretentious old lady to others: Mike does amazing things with his wood. (pause) I just *love* his wood.

Art & Wine Festival
Cave Creeek, Arizona

Overheard by: J-Kap

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Think of Yourself As Spencer, from The Hills

Guy to another: Dude, she's way out of your league. She's in the Majors and you're a tee-ball coach with questionable photos on your computer.

Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com

Overheard by:

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I Think I Just Nutted a Little

20-something to gay friend: I got stuffed more than a Turducken last night!

eavesdropdc.blogspot.com

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Were We Ever?

Female student #1: You sure you want me to feed you this banana?
Female student #2: Get on with it, will you?
Female student #1: This thing's pretty big. I wouldn't want to choke you.
Female student #2: Don't worry about it. I've had much bigger.
Youngish professor: (raises eyebrows)
Female student #2: You think I'm kidding? I've had some pretty big ones. Think you can give me a bigger one?
Youngish professor (blushing): Um, possibly.
Female student #2: Well, I'd like to see that.
Female student #3: Um, are we still talking about bananas here?

Classroom
UCSC, California

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Wait 'Til the Kid Spills Something on It

Exasperated mom to young daughter (referring to a stuffed beaver): Quit messing with that beaver! (pause) and that's the last time I ever want to say that sentence!

Ikea
Frisco, Texas

Overheard by: Becca

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But Odds Are You Still Aren't Paying Attention

Flight attendant, concluding pre-flight safety spiel: For those of you who paid attention: Thank you. And for those of you who did not: Good luck.

International Airport
Honolulu, Hawaii

Overheard by: Eric Dean

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And Your Left Water Wing Just Fell Out

Woman to man carrying giant innertube: You have to return that to the tube hut. Ha! You have a tube hut in your pants!
Man: I don't even know what that means.

Swimming Pool
Gardner, Kansas

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Billy Mays Has No Personal Life

Man to woman: When was the last time you waxed your saddle?

Caltrain, San Francisco to Palo Alto

Overheard by: Sarks

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And Now the Judge Says I Can't Babysit There?

Girl to fourteen classmates: I do *everything* in the bathroom!

The Melting Pot
New Jersey

Overheard by: supersecret!

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Joey Tribbiani As a Kid

Feminist speaker: What does feminism mean to you?
Dude: Lack of delicious sandwich?

Catholic High School classroom
Aurora, Colorado

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I Want the Human Race to Pack This Planet Like a Sausage

English professor: Just think of all the eggs that are wasted every time a woman doesn't get pregnant... That's what I do.

Montevallo, Alabama

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Like Travel Boggle!

Tall blonde: That's just cause you're short... No, don't worry! You're adorably short. You're small and compact for my convenience.
Short brunette: I'm fun-sized!

Santa Cruz, California

Overheard by: in the spirit of Halloween

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Don't Worry --It Was Completely Consensual

Adult woman to girlfriend's six-year-old daughter: Oh honey! You got your knees all skinned up with boo boos! What happened?
Six-year-old girl, shrugging: Oh, you know... Boys.

South 4th St
Louisville , Kentucky

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Let's Hope English Isn't Her First Language and Move On

Old lady speaking to granddaughter: What exactly is a handjob?

Huddersfield
England

Overheard by: your how old and you don't know what?

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Yeah, and I'm Not Sure He Has an Exit Strategy

Little girl: Where's Ben*?
Father: He's in heaven, honey.
Little girl: Still?!

Preschool
Fort Lauderdale, FL

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But I Think We All Know What Happened with Monica and That Cigar

African professor: It is up to you to decide whether he was accurately and eloquently speaking BS.

Kalamazoo, Mississippi

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I'd Love to See That Resume

Cashier: Ok, you can step directly over to the salad tosser.
Surprised guy ordering: Her title is "Salad tosser"?

Arby's Marketfresh
Atlanta, Georgia

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He's Been Disgruntled Ever Since Discovering I'm a Bottom.

Fat guy: Sorry I'm late. Mr. Sphincter isn't being very co-operative today.

Nova Cafe
Dunedin
New Zealand

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But It Was a Planned Incarceration

Obese John Wayne wannabe: I can't believe we are not hanging out tonight.
Gap tooth hootchie: I told you I made plans with my friends a month ago!
Obese John Wayne wannabe: Well you're supposed to be hanging out with me. We never hang out anymore and we are boyfriend and girlfriend!
Gap tooth hootchie: We were supposed to hang out this past Saturday and Sunday but we didn't! You were not fucking there.
Obese John Wayne wannabe: I had a change of plans!
Gap tooth hootchie: Change of plans?! Muthafucker you were in jail!

Bus
Iowa State University, Iowa

Overheard by: Casey

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A+

Male art student in response to female art student's sculpture: It's really kind of mortifyingly vaginal.

Allegheny College
Meadville Pennsylvania

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As My Plaques and Trophies Will Attest

Dude carrying Subway sandwich: My ass? No, I wouldn't expect a girl to be looking at my ass.
Chick carrying Subway sandwich: Oh yeah. Women will look at your ass. But they can't check out the other thing.
Dude: Well, under certain circumstances . . .
Chick: No, there's nothing equivalent. There's no cleavage shot.
Dude: A girl slapped my ass at the gym the other day.
Chick: Oh yeah. That's right. I have slapped lots of asses.

Howard and New Montgomery
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: Cleavage Shots All Around!

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If You Have a Very Liberal Definition of "Okay"

Girl on cell phone: So I got a little finger action this week, but I said 'No' so it's okay.

Cleveland, Ohio

Overheard by: Justin

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I'm Not Saying Your Assessment of Thomas Jefferson Is Wrong...

Student: Maybe he's gay for the snake.
Teacher: Did you just say "gay for the snake"?!

Pleasantville High School
Pleasantville, New York

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90% of the Time, Your Kids Won't Even Appreciate Your Brilliance

Small child, pointing to an "eat pussy" graffiti painted on the side of a restaurant: Daddy, what does that say?
Father: It's a menu.

Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: Chikara

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And She Washes and Folds My Spiderman Underwear

Dude: It's not that I live with my mom, it's that my mom is my roommate...

Salem, Oregon

Overheard by: Sarah

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And Their Legs Are So Open That Babies Fall Out

Professor: Some people's minds are so open that their brains fall out.

University of St. Thomas
Houston, Texas

Overheard by: AnnArrogance

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Or Kinderjail

Biotech #1: They really need kennels for children.
Biotech #2: It's called school.

Cambridge, Massachusetts

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By the Way, Sorry about Scaring Your Daughter Like That

Bathroom-bound tech woman: Are you following me? Not that many people follow me at my age.
Tech guy: No. I'm more of the 'call-is-coming-from-inside-the-house' kind of guy.

Shout-out: overheardinphilly.blogspot.com

Overheard by: 2catchapredator

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Largely Involving Your Vagina

Angry girl: I don't want any sluts at my table!
Friend, calmly: Well, I guess I should move, then.
Angry girl: You're not a slut. You just make... odd choices.

Tennessee

Overheard by: Vastly Amused

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