Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | Topics

Whatever I Can't Get from Miss Cleo, Anyway.

Professor: Temperature is an example of an invented reality. Temperature doesn't exist. It's all in our minds. It's either hot or cold out, but what are "degrees" really? Nothing!
Student: Actually, temperature is scientifically calculated by... (goes on to give long, technical explanation)
Professor: Really? I'm going to have to go look that up on Wikipedia. I get all of my information from Wikipedia.

University of Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: Glad you're teaching us then...

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And Stalk All My Classmates Before September

Mother: You got into college!
Teenage daughter: I can finally join Facebook!

Highlands Ranch, Colorado

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The Professor Appreciated the Eight-Sided Paper

Excited student: I got a B+ on my Nietzsche paper!
Friend: The one based on a Dungeons & Dragons joke?

Auraria Campus
Denver, Colorado

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And It's Important to Know About Paula Abdul's Career Trajectory

Student: If none of this is going to be on the exam, why are we devoting a class to it?
Professor: Because I find it interesting, and you have to listen to me.

Carleton University
Ottawa
Canadia

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Which Is Why Men Wear Pink Shirts

Professor: Ever wonder why pink is considered a girl color?
Student: Because vaginas are pink.

UC
Santa Cruz, California

Overheard by: Kelly

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As You Should Know All Too Well, Cuntrella

Teacher: Does anyone know how to spell that?
(silence)
Student: Looks like it's time to whip out the dic!
Teacher: Some words should *not* be shortened.

High School Classroom
Rhode Island

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If You Don't, Try the Cafeteria's Amphetameatloaf

History teacher (hanging up posters with spray adhesive): If ya'll get high from this, you're welcome.

High School
Columbia, South Carolina

Overheard by: thank you!

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Just When You Thought Canadians and Americans Had Nothing in Common

Guy #1: What are you gonna do for your spare?
Guy #2: I don't know, probably get a sandwich and beat off in the library.

High School
British Columbia
Canadia

Overheard by: Nick

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Or Reject Gender Stratification

Five-year boy in front of a door: (frantically) Which one? I have to go!
Exasperated mother: The men's room.
Little boy: Which one?!
Mother: That one (points) and that's why you need to learn to read.

Barnes & Noble
Cary, North Carolina

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The Way I'm Stealing Your Bra

Student: So if I, like, read something in the library and I memorize it, am I, like, stealing it with my mind?
Instructor: Yes. You can steal things with your mind.

Copy Editing Class
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia

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It Was More of a Poem, Really

Guy: So I fell asleep in bio today and when I woke up this bitch was watching me.
Girl: Good story.
Guy: And then I sneezed.
Girl: [Laughs.] Wait, that was actually part of your story?

Hoboken, New Jersey

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Knows All the Homeopathic Crab Remedies

Middle-aged creepster: She was a slut in middle school, so she's my type of girl.

Gentle Bens Brewery
Tucson, Arizona

Overheard by: a middle school slut

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Cats Are Hypersensitive to Comma Faults

Boy: So why did you move here?
Girl: I was gonna go to art school and then I wrote this big essay and my cat shit on it.
Boy: Literally shit on it?
Girl: Yeah, I took it as a sign.

18 Bus
Seattle, Washington

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With the Possible Exception of the Dominant Chord

Professor: So, how was survey of western music?
Girl: It was terrible: someone would always find a way to bring up gender issues. I mean, I hate to break it to you, but eighteenth century tonal music doesn't give a shit about your vagina.

Sarah Lawrence College
Bronxville, New York

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Who Knew Organic Chemists Were So Funky?

Professor: I'm just waiting for a chlorine radical to come and bite me up the ass.

Morraine Valley Community College
Palos Hills, Illinois

Overheard by: Kati

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Now as Lost to Us as the Age of Dinosaurs

Girl #1: You've written "2007" instead of "2008" on your exam sheet.
Girl #2: Yeah, so? It was a better time, ok?

University of Guelph
Canadia

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Which Also Explains the Peanut Butter Smears

College student: That one answer is wrong. You put a nine instead of a six.
Professor: I was probably stoned at the time.

Sussex, New Jersey

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But If I Had to Make a Guess It Would Be "Pussy and Blow"

Professor: What did our founding fathers want? Who cares? They're dead.

Oberlin, Ohio

Overheard by: Secret Spy

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I Suppose I Could Have One of My Concubines Answer Them, Though

Student: Professor, will you be able to answer e-mails while you are away, since our final is in a week?
Uncomfortable Japanese professor with strange British/Japanese accent: No, I will not be able to answer students' e-mails because most of the time I come home I am drunk.
Students: [Incredulous silence. Laughter.]

Philosophy class
McGill University
Canadia

Overheard by: student who hated this prof until this comment...

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The Water-Walking, Fig-Tree-Blasting Badass from Nazareth

Freshman theater student: So we were in acting class and we did this exercise where we had to portray mythological creatures, and afterwards when we were telling the class what we were, this one kid said: "I was Jesus!"

MBTA
Boston, Massachusetts

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Warthogs! Cabbages! Pokemon!

Professor: So, what are most songs written about?
Student #1: Apple bottom jeans?
Student #2: Boots with the fur?

School of Environmental Studies
Minnesota

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Wait 'Til You Hear "Total Ellipses the Sun"

English professor, going over punctuation: We can fix this sentence by putting a comma here... and here... and here. See? Comma, comma, comma. [Breaks into song.] Comma-comma-comma-comma-comma chameleeeooon!

Community College
Palm Bay, Florida

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I Thought There Was Just Solid, Liquid, and Gas?

Student #1: I went to Mankato State.
Student #2, also a TA: There's a state called Mankato?!

University of Minnesota, Minnesota

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Planned Parenthood Would Have Advised Mary to Say No

Planned parenthood speaker: I'm here to talk to you about birth control.
Chick, ecstatic: This really is the best Christmas ever!

High School Assembly
Englewood, Colorado

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While Headbanging, My Mom Broke Her Own Neck

Spanish prof: What's the difference between a stone and a rock, English speakers?
Student #1: A stone is smooth and near water.
Student #2: A rock is big, like you can't pick it up.
Spanish prof: Well, that would make sense. I mean, we stone people to death, we don't rock them to death.
Cute girl student: It's happened before.

De Anza Community College
Cupertino, California

Overheard by: shyinvisiblegirl has a little crush on her

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I Wanted You to Understand How It Felt to Read Your Term Papers

Professor: I think I popped a few Oxycontins before I wrote this so it might not make any sense.

Salem State College
Salem, Massachusetts

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Graduation Is Such a Sausagefest

Guy to friend, matter-of-factly: You know he's just teaching there for the kielbasa.

Macalester College
St. Paul, Minnesota

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By 35, She Was Already Set in Her Ways

Goateed gentleman: I tried to teach her that certain words for things were different, like that toothpaste was actually "poop," but I think I waited until she was a bit too old.

Mars Volta Concert, Rams Head Live
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Greeg

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I Want the Human Race to Pack This Planet Like a Sausage

English professor: Just think of all the eggs that are wasted every time a woman doesn't get pregnant... That's what I do.

Montevallo, Alabama

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Or the Word "Dyke" Ever Again

Teacher: So, for the final sentence we should get some sort of metaphor for tax cuts helping the US recession.
Student #1: Hmm... Hey, you know like, the commercial where they put gum in the hole in the dam to stop the leak?.
Student #2: Or the finger!
Teacher: Oh, you mean in the dyke!
Student #1: Yeah, so... Tax cuts would be the finger in the hole of America's dyke?
Teacher: Maybe we shouldn't use a metaphor.

English Essentials Class
Waimea, Hawaii

Overheard by: boehmface

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With Their Affectionate Natures and Agile Fingers

Stats professor explaining problem: And that comes out to be 13.58 when we hire monkeys to plug in the values on our calculators...[more quietly] I really do love monkeys you know...

Barnum Hall, Tufts University
Massachusetts

Overheard by: Adrian

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Dude, Just Make an Audio-Visual Geek Your Friend

Music history professor, putting a CD in the player: And now we pray to the god of CDs. It's not good to be a teacher with CDs. They are very stupid things. [Pause.] ...It's not good to be a teacher, perhaps that's what it is.

Peabody Conservatory
Baltimore, Maryland

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For Instance, If the State Wants to Mix Stripes and Plaids

Bimbette government teacher, explaining checks and balances: So then, like, the national government says to the state government, "Um, you can't do that, you little... like, state."

Canton, Michigan

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Like an Open Spirit and Three Hits of Acid

Teacher: What you get from Beatlerama depends on what you bring to it.

Science class
Richmond, Virginia

Overheard by: mollydear

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Out of What?

Five-year-old boy: How old are you?
Tutor: Twenty.
Five-year-old boy: Yeah, well, do you know how to make a monkey?

Dallas, Texas

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Not Without My Fainting Couch and Fan Nearby

Drunk girl: I went to the University of Alabama, so you don't have to tell me about sex.

Sammy's
Raleigh, North Carolina

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I Got Strung Up by My Ankles at an AC/DC Concert for That Mistake

English teacher: A rhetorical question is a question you don't expect an answer to. When a band yells, "Are you ready to rock?", they're not actually expecting someone to yell back, "Not quite, give us a couple more minutes."

Hume-Fogg High School
Nashville, Tennessee

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Remember How I Said I Couldn't Come to Class Yesterday Morning Because I Was "Tied Up"?

Professor: Never spend the night with a Croatian! Those guys are fucked up.

Hartford, Connecticut

Overheard by: Claire

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