Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | Topics

Tonight on The Real Single Moms Of New Jersey

Tough, burly, tattooed mom: C'mon, honey, you'll like it!
Tearful four-year-old boy: I don't wanna!
Tough, burly, tattooed mom: Everyone loves the beer store! (pulls boy into beer kiosk)

Collingswood Auction
Farmingdale, New Jersey

Overheard by: not EVERYONE

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Your Editors Do Not Want to See the Rest Of the DVD

Drunk mother to son: Look at the two girls at the bar behind you. The one in the blue shirt has huge boobs!
Son to drunk mother: They look familiar.

Foster City, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

We're Going to Congress!

Student to friend: Just put the rape stick in the alcohol bag.

American University
Washington, DC

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I've Got a Case for Her

Guy to friend looking at beer: Yeah, I better get some if she's coming over. She's the only girl I've ever been with that can drink more than me. Which is kinda scary... and kinda hot.

New Castle, Indiana

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Still Can't Eat Shirred Eggs

Grungy young man, after loudly prattling on about drinking 12 Smirnoffs a day, weed, and massage therapy: I didn't believe in the inner-spiritual plane until I saw my unborn child's soul whisked away.

Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Anon Y. Mouse

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Shhh-- He'll Hear!

Girl #1: You shouldn't drink that. It's bad for the baby.
Girl #2, drinking wine: It better be.

Washington and Lee University
Lexington, Virginia

Overheard by: Eden

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Whomever It Is, Thank You!

Drunk sorostitute to group of friends: I'm getting boned in the butt! Who's boning me in the butt?

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: pob

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Suppose He'll Object to Playing with a White Ball?

Skinny Asian kid buying 24-pack of Keystone Light, to friend: I dunno man. I've never played beer pong against a black dude before.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: Ian

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Bloated Bellies Are the New Six-Pack

Drunk guy holding a forty: Malt liquor. This is going to get us buff, yo.

Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: Meech

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

We Thought That Was Gin.

Suit to friend: Coffee is like beer for the morning.

Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com

Overheard by: Ian

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Psh, Paula Abdul's Been Trying to Get Away with That Excuse for Years

Security guy: You fell down the stairs.
Girl, trying to convince him that she's sober: Okay, have a gander at these heels.
Security guy: You were also making out with a man on the couch.
Girl: I'm promiscuous!? All your evidence is circumstantial! See, I'm using words like "promiscuous" and "circumstantial." Have you ever met a drunk person who uses such vocabulary?
Security guy: You exhibit all the signs of intoxication, you are underage, we must ask you to leave.
Girl: For the last time, I'm not drunk! This is just my personality!

Beta Nightclub
Denver, Colorado

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Whether Real or Imaginary

Professor: It's like trying to make a deity out of a bottle of Stoli at the height of the cold war.
Class: (laughter)
Professor: I know plenty of people who've done that, by the way... And so do you.

Macalester College
St. Paul, Minnesota

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

God Bless Chicago.

Train conductor: For those of you who had too much to drink, could you please wake up long enough to present your ticket?

Chicago, Illinois

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In the Future, Could You Get My Order Right?

Man at bar: Except it wasn't gin and tonic, it was gin and sex.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: Ian

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Life Is Sweet; Don't Fuck It Up

Professor: No drinking and driving this weekend! No drugs! ...and no babies.

Ball State University
Muncie, Indiana

Overheard by: Sara

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

One Day I'll Graduate to a Shot Of Tequila and a Strip Of Duct Tape

California blonde: Ohmigod, I wonder what their waxing is like in France?
California brunette: I dunno... I once waxed it all off, though.
California blonde: Really? How? I've only waxed my bikini line.
California brunette: I'd just had three glasses of wine and one of those waxing pots, because my dad's a hairdresser.

Paris
France

Overheard by: Freedom Waxing!

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

When Nerds Have Sex Dreams

Guy on cell: My rocket scientist shows up, she's drunk! But she's capable.

Cafe
Champaign, Illinois

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...Or Retarded

Loud woman with arms in air: Happy New Year! Happy New Year!
Grumpy man: Fuckin' drunks!
Loud woman: I'm not drunk, I'm Canadian!

Canal Street
New Orleans, Louisiana

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Should We Really Drink to That?

Girl to friend: I'm not an alcoholic.
Friend: I'm not an alcoholic, either.
Girl: Cheers to us not being alcoholics!

Austin, Texas

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But I Can Easily Transition to Toucan Sam

Guy with empty bud light box on head: I look like Cap'n Crunch!

Marquette, Michigan

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Here, You Drive.

Seven-year-old boy to playmate: Oh, well, I can't. I've had five beers already.

Dallas, Texas

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The Jigsaw Killer from Saw Sings "Blue Suede Shoes"

20-something hipster guy: There was the big drill for the alcoholic... Then they busted out the small drill and it was like... woah!

Coffee Shop
Colorado Springs, Colorado

Overheard by: Vanessa

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

My Kidneys Will Take That Under Advisement

Man: You don't need that booze!
Woman: I know, but I'm getting it.
Man: Just don't drink the fun out of it.

Edwardsville, Illinois

Overheard by: M

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

My Resolution Remains Intact!

Girl: I haven't drank since New Year's.
Friend: That was yesterday, Tina*.

Jersey City, New Jersey

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Jo Introduces Herself to Blair for the First Time

College student to roommate: My family heirloom is a neon beer light. And a coffee mug.

Portland, Oregon

Overheard by: Larissa

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...I Was Thinking Of a Nice Outing to Pottery Barn.

Girl: Booze!
Masculine gay dude: Fuck, yeah. I just finally finished my antibiotics. I'm gonna go fall off a stripper stage into some tits or somethin'.
Straight friend: Uhhh.

Bangkok
Thailand

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Tonight's Movie: Drunkventures in Babysitting

Young mother on phone: Well, tell him if he's going to stay home and get drunk by himself then he can babysit for me.

Wisconsin

Overheard by: smirkburglar

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Didn't Expect the Irish to Be Such Pussies

Coworker: Where were you? You were meant to be in work at 7!
Drunk Slovakian guy arriving at work: I drank Jack Daniels until 5 this morning, then went to bed. I woke at nine and fucked Jane, then got my brother to drop me off at work.

Craigavon
Northern Ireland

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

These New Refrigeration Bras Are Fabulous

Middle-age woman to friend: We're smuggling beer! We're smuggling beer!

Fisherman's Wharf
San Francisco, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Facepalm

Middle aged drunk white lady, seriously: Dude, where's my car?

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: unicorn lover

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

No. I Said, "Pass the Bread."

Drunk guy to drunk date: So wait, you want us to be in an anonymous relationship?

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: justarrivedtothebarsober

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Which Is Why AA Gives You a Sponsor and Some New Friends

Girl on bus: I've been trying to quit drinking and she was all like, "have some juice with me!" And then she pulls out a half gallon of vodka, and I'm all, "bitch, what you doing?"

Seattle, Washington

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And I Just Took a Tab Of E=mc²

Girlfriend: I'm gonna grab a beer, you want anything?
Boyfriend: Uhhh, not now. I've got to be a penny-pincher.
Girlfriend, laughing at own comment: Maybe you ought to pinch it so hard it turns into a dollar.
Boyfriend: That's stupid. That doesn't make sense. How would that even happen?
Girlfriend, indignant: I don't know! I'm a physicist, not a scientist!

Vancouver
Canadia

Overheard by: Feynman

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Ooh, and Some Scrambled Eggs!

Girl to friend: I'm going to order a pint. Or do we just want to split a pitcher?
Friend: I'm pregnant, remember?
Girl: Oh, yeah. But I thought you were planning to abort it?
Friend: I am. (sighs) Okay, let's get a pitcher.

Bar
Zwankendamme
Belgium

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

She's Awfully Peesnickety

Drunk guy: I'm so happy I'm a guy. I don't have to wipe after I pee.
Tipsy girl: You should really wipe if you want Lisa* to suck your dick.

Bayonne, New Jersey

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

When I Drink, I Become Fluent in Arabic

Drunk boy, about text message: That doesn't say anything.
Drunk girl: Yes, it does. It says, "hey, what's up?"
Drunk boy: No, it doesn't.
Drunk girl to sober girl: Does this say, "hey, what's up?"
Sober girl: No. It says, "al aloof ah."

Brantford
Ontario
Canadia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...Before Church.

Middle aged woman with grandchildren, at 11:30 am: I just took the kids out to breakfast and now I need to go home and have me a Jack Daniels.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: Les

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Kim Jong-il Actually Pulls Off "Hobo" Flawlessly

Hobo, panhandling to passer-bys: Can anyone spare some change so I can buy a little wine, some booze, some cheese, a little pot... Maybe some nuclear weapons...

Vancouver
Canadia

Overheard by: http://psychedelicmess.blogspot.com

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And What Kind Of a Lame-Ass Answer Is "Energy"?

Tutor: So what are some things you associate with lemons?
Student #1: Yellow!
Student #2: Energy!
Student #3: Gin-an-tonic!
Tutor: What? Genitalia? Who said genitalia?

Massey University
Wellington
New Zealand

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

After You Get Your Rocks Off

Geology teacher: That is dew that is on your glass of joy juice.

Olympia, Washington

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Though Every Drunken Brawl Is Like a Snowflake.

Female college student: My new thing is going to bed at a decent time when I have class in the morning.
20-something college dropout: My new thing is binge drinking every day. But I guess that's not really new.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: passing out at a decent hour

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Think I've Heard This Bob Dylan Song

Drunk guy to group of teens: If you're on the moon and you ain't got no shoes, man, you're outta luck.

Rye, New York

Overheard by: Grizzzly

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

How Criss Angel Makes a Tidy Profit at Parties

Drunk man at next table: Butterflies out the arse! And I wouldn't have bet 10 bucks on the sonofabitch!

Sushi Bar
Baton Rouge, Louisiana

Overheard by: Sushi Enjoyer

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

In the Sense That It's Propping Up My Coffee Table

DJ: And we'll be giving away a free DVD of diary of a mad black woman!
Drunk shirtless redneck, sincerely: Wooooooo! That's my movie! That's my movie!

Screen on the Green, Centennial Park
Atlanta, Georgia

Overheard by: Becca

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Because I Buy You Drinks?

Girl: Dude, she digs you, why don't you ask her out?
Guy: She's fat.
Girl: You are so fucking pretentious and shallow.
Guy: I'm okay with that. It means I only fuck hotties.
Girl: We fucked, does that mean you think I'm a hottie?
Guy: No, that just means I was drunk and you were willing.
Girl: Why am I friends with you?
Guy: I have no idea.

Denver, Colorado

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

So It's Likely He's Very Drunk.

Little girl: He's drunk, I swear!
Teenage sister: He's not drunk, he's a foreigner.

Highlands Ranch, Colorado

Overheard by: Julia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Wish I Was a Sociopath Like My Dad

Drunk guy to girlfriend: I care about you a lot. It sucks.

Park Tavern
Jersey City, New Jersey

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

You Altar Boys Know What I'm Talking About

English professor: I know what you're thinking. Two pages! I can write that with half a bottle of whiskey in me and my hands tied behind my back!

Cardinal Stritch University
Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Government Job?

Woman on cell: Yeah, I'm on my way to work. I gotta stop for cigarettes and a cocktail.

Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com

Overheard by: aaron

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Or Where This Sweater Vest Came from

College student: So far, I'm three for three on not knowing who I left with, or how I got there.

Lycoming College
Williamsport, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Why R.E.M. Established an IQ Prerequisite for Their Fans

Michael Stipe to crowd: This next song is set in the state of Ohio.
Drunk dude: Go Chicago, woooooo!

Denver, Colorado

Overheard by: Geographically Inclined

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I'm Sure Law Enforcement Will Understand

Female law student, after declining jello shot: No, I have to drive you home.
Male law student: I don't want a cranky sober person driving me home!

St. Petersburg, Florida

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Focus, Britney!

Female student: I came home last night and found my roommate sitting on the kitchen floor, crying and holding a bottle of Jägermeister and a recipe for homemade enchiladas.
Dumb friend: I didn't know you made enchiladas with Jägermeister.

University of Colorado, Boulder

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Oooh, Lick Your Lips While You Say That!

Drunk girl #1: (blows kiss to construction worker)
Drunk girl #2: You *so* just made his day!
Construction worker: Slut.

Exhibition Street
Melbourne, Australia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

"Sometimes"?

Civil procedure professor: Don't you sometimes think this class would be better if we were all a little inebriated?

Law School
Los Angeles, California

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Um, That's What You Said About Anal.

Worldly hipster: Do you drink?
Very naive girl: No, tried it once, didn't like the taste.
Worldly hipster: Do you like tea?
Very naive girl: Yes.
Worldly hipster: Good, then you'll like beer.

Columbus, Ohio

Overheard by: The RJP

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

So Do We.

20-something girl on cell: I had the malpractice ball this last weekend. It was in the Weisman Museum... kind of lame, not a lot of space. (pause) But I didn't bring a flask this year, so it was a little conservative, definitely a limited amount of alcohol. (pause) Are you going home for Passover? (pause) Oh my, are you converting? (pause) Yeah, I want to know what this whole Jerry Springer photo thing is all about.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: burrhead

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

This Is What Fun Is, Son.

Little boy: Ewww... what's that smell?
Slightly tipsy dad: Prolly barf.
Little boy: Yuck! You're gross!
Slightly tipsy dad: What? It's a twins game. People come to get drunk, then they barf, and you smell it. That's how it goes.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: that's not why I go to twins games.

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

How Sally Got Drunk for the First Time

Girl: Do we have any soda?
Guy: We have Pabst. It's pretty much the same.

Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com

Overheard by: sarafist

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Alice Passed; Her Liver Failed

Girl, walking across campus with friends: I think two beers and a shot is the perfect amount for that class!

University of Arizona

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Maybe Stop Voting Republican?

Guy: My mom hit my dad with a frying pan. He doesn't have a cheek anymore. It's been entirely restructured. She used to beat the shit out of him! It was so funny. But when he drunk--that's when she'd get a beating.
Girl, sympathetically: Your family...
Guy: Oh, I love my family! I don't know what I'd do without them!

Neptune City, New Jersey

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Is That What This Is?

Male patron, hitting on girl at bar: Not gonna lie, when I get drunk, I get charming.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: friends of both

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Swear I Was Aiming for the Bed.

Hungover guy: Yeah man, so it was all good until I got so drunk that I pissed in my oven.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: hah!

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Can't Wait for the Swallow-or-Spit Discussion

Instructor, during wine tasting: So swirl the glass and tell me what you smell.
Student: It smells like oak?
Instructor: Yeah! I'm definitely getting wood from this.

Denver, Colorado

Overheard by: me too

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And a Fun and Flirty One

Girl, returning from holidays in America: So yeah, I got put in actual jail.
Friend: For drinking on the beach?
Girl: Yup, got the orange jumpsuit and all.
Friend: Did you get to keep it?
Girl: I didn't like to ask, to be honest. Would've been a savage souvenir, though.

UCC Campus
Ireland

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Tonight, on No-Context Theatre...

Guy #1: So, where can we get another guy like Brian to drink a lot of water?
Guy #2: Well, Phyllis is out of work.
Guy #1: Who's Phyllis?
Guy #2: She's this really good PR girl. Like a rotten tomato.

Massachusetts

Overheard by: Sunny

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Are You Pregnant?

Girlfriend: You still have Jack Daniels in my fridge! All nice and frozen. Well, it's not frozen because alcohol has a high freezing point, but it's been in there for months so it's as "frozen" as it's gonna get, well, not really because...
Stressed-out boyfriend: Woman! Too many words in that sentence!

Saint Peter's College
New Jersey

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Doesn't Explain Why Cassie's Eating Everyone's Brain

Guy: Oh, look! It's a full moon. Maybe that's why we're all crazy.
Girl: Maybe it's all the booze and drugs.

Grayling, Michigan

Overheard by: Cabin in the woods

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

But You're Drunk Now, Amber.

Girl #1: So, yeah, when the cops like think you're kinda drunk or something, they'll get you to do the ABCs.
Girl #2: What? I can't even do that when I'm sober! I'll try now. A, b, c, d, e, f... then j, maybe?

High School Gym Class
Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: Myr Myr

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Meet the Inventor Of Coaster Pasties

Drunk teacher: Those aren't coasters, they're pasties. (holds them up to her breasts)

San Diego, California

Overheard by: Heather

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

That Explains the Sweatpants

Drunk girl to guy she just met: I'm not having sex with you!
Drunk guy: That's okay, I'm on my period.

Montreal
Quebec
Canadia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Wait-- Purge First!

Drunk girl: Okay... I had three sausages, I gotta go to bed.
Drunk guy: Three? I had like eight shots earlier!
Drunk girl: No. Not shots, sausages.
Drunk guy: Oh my god! You ate three sausages? Go to bed!

Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: Pukey

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

You're the Worst Fairy Godfather Ever.

Sweet old man: How are ya, girls?
Teen girls: Better if we had some whiskey.

Gold Coast Big Day Out
Australia

Overheard by: yo bitch

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Plus I Took a Cab

Skinny chick with cigarette on bike to friend she just met up with: Hey! Guess how I got here so fast?
Friend: How?
Skinny chick, enthusiastically: I drink a tonic of strychnine and brandy! Every day!

Mt. Pleasant
Vancouver
Canadia

Overheard by: Lance Wriststrong

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Props for Not Drinking and Driving, Though

Drunk bus rider #1: Damn, this bus is always so slow!
Drunk bus rider #2: I swear, if I was a wizard, I would turn this bus into a rabbit... But that's fantasy stuff, and I'm not that into fantasy.

Seattle, Washington

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

That's the Last Time I Let You Dog-Sit.

20-something girl on phone: Okay, how much did she drink? Okay. (pause) Well, can you wake her up? No? (pause) Okay, see, but I don't think it would be a good idea to give her some cocaine.

San Diego, California

Overheard by: frink

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With Just a Hint Of Chlamydia

Drunken teenage girl, dancing down the street: I taste like fucking condoms!

Toronto, Canadia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Perhaps a Brandy Snifter Full Of Ocean Water, Then

Old woman at restaurant: What do you have to drink?
Exasperated waitress: Everything except root beer and chocolate milk.

New Brunswick, Canadia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...Just on That Lady's Shoes.

Overexcited boy in cafe: Mum, mum, mum! Can I play with my new toy? Can I? Can I? Can I?
Disinterested mum: Sure.
Overexcited boy, holding toy: Look! I'm holding my winkle. And I'm peeing. I'm peeing all over the drinks. There's wee everywhere!
Disinterested mum: No, there isn't.

Kingston-Upon-Thames
England

Overheard by: Ben

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

You Think They're Gay?

Girl drinking outside: It's just, like, I pay rent to live here, I don't want his semen and her little vagina juices everywhere!
Guy drinking outside: I don't think those guys walking by wanted to hear that.

Ann Arbor, Michigan

Overheard by: Guy walking by

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

What Do You Think We Pray For?

Stoner girl #1: What happens at Christian retreats?
Stoner girl #2: You pray and reflect.
Stoner girl #1: Oh. So no beer, then?
Stoner girl #2: Definitely no beer.

Jersey City, New Jersey

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

You Were Sober Enough to Take a Facebook Quiz?

Blonde girl: I did this Facebook quiz the other day: "what kind of drunk are you?' It said that I was a "sexual, entertaining drunk." It knows me so well!

Melbourne
Australia

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He'll Be Disappointed When He Learns It Has Nothing to Do With Guns

Youngish mom, enthusiastic: I need shot glasses for work!
Eight-year-old son, excited: I want a shot glass!!

Gift Shop
Branson, Missouri

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The Best Part Is, They've Trademarked That Name

Friendly waitress, serious: Would you like to order a happy ending?

Lycoming Mall
Pennsdale, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: DazedinPA

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Another BBC2 Documentary Fails to Thrill

Respectable, middle-aged woman: I have considered becoming an alcoholic.

Devon
England

Overheard by: Jess

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

That Early-Morning Orgy Totally Messed with My Schedule

Underage girl, at 6 pm: Man, I knew I should've started drinking at 2!

Glengarry Highland Games
Canadia

Overheard by: is it that boring?

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

A Problem I Can Solve Simply by Getting a Drunker ID

Drunk college dude, explaining how he got kicked out of a club: They looked at my ID, then they looked at my face. My face was not as sober as my ID.

Metro, Orange Line
Washington, DC

Overheard by: funniest Metro ride ever

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

That's What I Got You Last Year

Drunk male friend: What do you want for your birthday, baby? I can make it happen, just tell me what you want!
Really, really drunk birthday girl, pointing at someone else: I want in that guy's pants!

Norfolk, Virginia

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Only in the Holodeck, Though.

Proud girl: Ever since I gave up drinking, I have been drinking so much wine.

Chicago, Illinois

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...She Put Two Drinks Up There?

Sorority girl to another, sitting in booth: Girl, I was double-fisted all night long last night!
Gay dude #1, quite loudly, to gay dude #2: Oh my god! That is so nasty! Who on earth would ever say something like that out in public! I wouldn't want anyone to know that anyone could do anything like that to me, let alone enjoy it! Nasty bitches!
Gay dude #2 to gay dude #1, very quietly: Um, I think she meant she had a drink in both hands, you idiot.
Gay dude #1: Oh.

Chinese Restaurant
Lexington, Kentucky

Overheard by: j-we

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Let Me Guess-- Rainbow Sherbert?

Drunken girl: I don't know, Luke, I'm just sick and tired of people who want to sit in their rooms and watch YouTube videos and eat sherbert.
Drunken guy: You don't like sherbert?
Drunken girl: No, I like it... but only with adventure.
Drunken guy: I wanted adventure. I feel kind of bad, though, that I didn't experiment enough.
Drunken girl: With what?
Drunken guy: With guys. I don't know, it just hasn't happened.
Drunken girl: Well, don't rush it. If you let it happen naturally, it will.
Drunken guy: But what if I don't like it? And say, "No, this isn't for me"?
Drunken girl: Let's go eat something.
Drunken guy: Sherbert?
Drunken girl: Yep.

Claremont, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Then There Was the Guy We Stabbed and Stuck in the Dumpster...

Hungover girl #1: I really feel like an ass.
Hungover girl #2: Why do you feel like an ass?
Hungover girl #1: Well I did throw a drink on someone.
Hungover girl #2, nodding: And got kicked out of the bar twice.

Wilmington, North Carolina

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Was Gonna Give Up the Baby Anyway

Teenage girl #1 in high school bathroom: I'm excited that I'm pregnant, it just sucks that I'll have to give up drinking.
Teenage girl #2: Why? I didn't!

Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: not surprised

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Israelis Will Even Give You an Argument About That

Drunk black gangster guy, on Tel Aviv centennial celebration: I am Moses! I am Moses!
(traffic light changes, he throws arms up in air) Israelis, you may now walk!

Tel Aviv
Israel

Overheard by: E-lad

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Farting's Bound to Restore the Balance

20-something guy #1, carrying case of beer and bag of onions: You know when your aura gets all out of whack?
20-something guy #2, carrying same: Yeah, you just gotta get it back on track!

Austin, Texas

Overheard by: wondering if beer and onions will be part of the ritual to restore his aura

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Further Evidence That Missouri Loves Company

Middle aged man power-walking with friend in the park: I wake up, I drink, and I smoke. Then, I go to work, come home, and drink and then smoke. You wanna know why I do this?
Friend: Why?
Middle aged man: I'm fucking depressed, that's why. So I wake up and do it all over again the next day.

Forest Park
St. Louis, Missouri

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...After What Happened Last Time?

Sober sorostitute with heavy smoker's voice: Like o-m-g, I just decided on my Halloween costume!
Drunk sorostitute, stamping feet: Oh my god! What?! What what what?
Sober sorostitute: Wait for it...wait for it... Little ho peep!
Drunk sorostitute: Can we have sex with the little ho sheep?

Duke University
Durham, North Carolina

Overheard by: Disgusted

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Why Are We Playing Hangman in Class, Anyway?

Criminal justice teacher: What do you mean "it doesn't fit"?
Student: The word doesn't match the blanks.
Criminal justice teacher: Hm...I probably wasn't sober when I made this.

Gilbert, Arizona

Overheard by: she's not kidding

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Um, I'm Twelve.

Guy on cell: Yeah, well, that sucks that you don't have any friends, but now at least it's legal for you to drink your troubles away!

University of Delaware
Newark, Delaware

Overheard by: Anne

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And What's That on Your Hamburger?

Chick: Has anyone seen the bottle of fake blood?

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

So This Better Be at Least Three Karats.

(drunk boy pulls out diamond ring and offers it to drunk girl)
Drunk girl: Fuck you, Tim! You fell asleep at dinner!

London
England

Overheard by: Tequila Sally

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Garfield Would Do Pretty Much Anything for Lasagna

Slightly drunk chick, peering into drink: I think my cat is gay.
Really drunk friend: Hey, heyyyy...
Slightly drunk chick: Or maybe he's just a slut.

The Backdoor
Louisville, Kentucky

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Get Off That Muffin for a Sec.

Guy #1, smashing grapes: I'm making wine.
Guy #2: That's not how you make wine.
Guy #3: Yeah, you need yeast. Hey, Melissa, come here.

Maryland

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And Then Other Times I Vomit

Drunk guy walking past mirror: Man, sometimes I see myself, and I make myself horny.

Hanover College
Hanover, Indiana

Overheard by: Whitney

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

So I Hooked Up With His Friend

Coed #1: So we're finally officially dating. I mean it's been, like, six months!
Coed #2: Great! That's moving forward!
Coed #1: Yeah. He said the first six months I was on "dating probation" and now I'm on "girlfriend probation." His friend got drunk at the bar and was all like "what, you haven't made her official yet?" so he's like, "you have my friend to thank for this."

UNCG
Greensboro, North Carolina

Overheard by: Put him on boyfriend probation

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...As Seen in the Porno Take, Eat, This Is My Booty?

Asian teenage girl: Wait, so did Jesus ejaculate wine?

Starbucks
Red Bank, New Jersey

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Says It's a Slurpery Slope

Blonde teenager: Look at her. She's either a whore or a dyke.
Friend: That's why my dad doesn't let me drink Slurpees.

Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Dylan

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Or You'll Spill Your Wine

Spanish professor, as class leaves on Friday: Be careful driving when you drink this weekend!

Hanover College
Hanover, Indiana

Overheard by: whitney

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

He'd Just Gone Off His Meds-- Whew!

Girl: At first, I was really afraid he was cheating on me, but then I called him the next day and asked him where he was the night before...
Girl's friend: Well, where was he?
Girl: Oh, he was having drinks with John Lennon. I was freaking out for no reason!

New York

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Al Gore: "Some Day That'll Be True!"

Afternoon drunk: Nah, man, it's 32. That's freezing. It don't get lower than that.

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: colder that him, apparently

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

On the Way Home, She Drove Up on a Curb Going Two Miles an Hour.

Soccer mom who was just given champagne by lady doing her nails: This is my first drink in ten months! Oh my god, I'm buying some of this on my way home!

Nail Salon
Cumming, Georgia

Overheard by: Caylin

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Grabbing Other Women's Butts Is a Cultural Thing.

College girl from England: Hey, whoa, are you drunk?
College girl from Prague: No! I'm Czech!

Royal Holloway University of London
England

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

On the Plus Side, She Was Doing Some Pretty Nifty Baton Tricks

Security guard to woman who just drove over the curb: Are you drunk?
Woman driver: No, she (points to passenger) was distracting me with my vibrator!

Hospital Parking Lot
Denver, Colorado

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Apparently the Grace Period for Blaming the Potato Famine Has Expired

Irishman to friend, huddling under bar's awning during massive downpour: And people wonder why we drink...

Dublin
Ireland

Overheard by: l_tau

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

When I Went Into Insulin Shock, the Joke Was on Her!

Loud fat man on bus: When I first found out I had diabetes, I had my wife go out and buy me a big case of pudding cups. I opened each one up and poured them into a tub with some milk.
Friend: Oh?
Loud fat man on bus: My mother-in-law didn't believe I could eat it, but I sat down in front of her and drank the whole thing, just to spite her.

Portland, Oregon

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And That the Nineties Are Over

Drunk teenage boy: Heyyy, ssssuuuuupp, buddd... (stumbles away)
Sober teenage boy: I guess he's too drunk to notice that we're not friends.

Red Bank, New Jersey

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Wanna Race?

Drunk girl puking in bathroom stall to drunk girl puking in stall next to her: It's okay! I'm throwing up too!

Wake Forest University
Winston-Salem, North Carolina

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...What's Your Thesis Advisor Like?

Guy, walking angrily: She thinks that vampires evolved, so now they can be out in the sun like normal people. She also thinks it's degrading to have sex in any position other than missionary, when she's sober.

University of Delaware

Overheard by: what???

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

A...Cough...Teabagging Emergency?

British male, contemplating the last two teabags left in the chalet: We'd best save one in case of an emergency.

Orelle
France

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Shouldn't There Be an IQ Prerequisite?

Woman: So when are you guys riding?
Man #1: Three weekends from now, or maybe a month...
Woman: Isn't it too cold outside to ride motorcycles?
Man #2: Not if you're drunk!

Downingtown, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Crys

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And Then We'll Hold This Nice Man Up.

Father with two small sons dressed in Halloween costumes, walking into liquor store: Okay, guys, now pick out the kind of whiskey you want and go put it up on the counter.

Oshkosh, Wisconsin

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...Because That's Our Thing.

Young mother, in baby-talk: Aren't you excited to meet grandma and grandpa at the park? Do you think they're sad and lonely there waiting for us?
Toddler son: Noooo, they're drinking.
Mother, still in baby-talk: You think they're drinking?

St Charles Streetcar
New Orleans, Louisiana

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Notice You Came Up with That Description Awfully Quickly

Dude #1: Dude, are you still drunk?
Dude #2: Maybe a little, how could you tell?
Dude #1: You smell like beer, weed, and hooker spit!

Lecture Hall
University of Tennessee

Overheard by: bluecollarbelle

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

First Shoot the Person Who Gave a Kid a Megaphone

Little nine-year-old kid with megaphone: You are going to go to hell, you know! The Apocalypse is coming! Are you ready? If you are drinking, you are a bad mother!
Army man #1, standing nearby: Do we have permission to fire?
Army man #2: I wish.

The Kentucky Derby

Overheard by: Kdub-ya

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Really Depends on the Bar

Guy on cell: I don't think we'll be in a bar, considering what we'll be wearing and that we'll be covered in feathers.

Chapel Hill, North Carolina

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

If One More Person Asks Me That Today...

Tween: Should I get Fanta or cock?

Perth, Washington

Overheard by: shocked older sister.

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...Know Where I Could Score Some Coke Around Here?

Coed #1: Jill, hi! I haven't seen you for like, a year!
Coed #2, smoking cigarette and clutching Red Bull: I know! I quit drinking!

WSC Campus
Wayne, Nebraska

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

From Goonies?

Girl #1: So you got drunk in a church?
Girl #2: Yeah, sort of. There's a bar in the basement.
Girl #1: But isn't that, like, sacrilegious? I mean, isn't slosh one of the seven deadly sins?
Girl #2: Uh, I think you mean "sloth."

Ronnie's Local
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: LB

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Or It Would If You Didn't Keep Pausing to Vomit.

College girl on cell: You're making a valid argument. It sounds completely sober!

Boston, Massachusetts

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Lovemaking Is Cooperative; Fucking Is Competitive

Dude: She fucks like a division one athlete. I swear, I take three shots of whiskey before I go to her place. I need to have the spins so I have any chance of lasting.

Ten Stone
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: johnny

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Actually, Crutchy Was the Only Crippled Newsie

Girl on cell: Wait! (pause) So, it's a gang for crippled people?

Orlando, Florida

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

This Girl Is My New Best Friend

Drunk girl in painful-looking heels to tour group of incoming freshmen: This is your future!

Michigan State University

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

But, Oddly Enough, Nine Months Later Sean Preston Was Born

Young professional woman: So, my husband and I decided we were ready to have a baby, but when I got pregnant I sort of freaked out and thought I wasn't ready. So I went out with my girlfriends, ate a bunch of sushi, smoked a pack of cigarettes and drank a fifth of tequila. Sure enough, the next day, I got my period. That shit really is bad for the pregnancy.

Flight over Atlanta, Georgia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Where Do You Stand on Blinking V. Gatorade?

College student: I think I hate sleep more than I hate Snapple.

University of Delaware

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Especially an All-Girls' College?

Smithie: Why do I go to college if my only ambition is to be a constantly drunk trophy wife?

Smith College
Northampton, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Colleen

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Yeah, Stop Emailing Me Those Photos.

Drunk girl: Guess whose shirt I'm wearing!
Sober friend: Whose?
Drunk girl, without missing a beat: What?
(15 minutes later)
Drunk girl: I'm not even wearing a shirt!

Dorm Room
Wisconsin

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Then He Juggled Them While Drinking a Glass Of Water

Hottied-out college girl: So I was, like, drunk, and I fell down on the bed, and he helped me up with his balls. (friends stare uncomfortably) What? That's not a euphemism for sex! He *literally* helped me up with his balls.

University of Delaware

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

In Unrelated News, Could I Get a Ride to the Emergency Room?

Drunk guy #1, finishing rant: Plastic trees do not produce oxygen!
Drunk guy #2, retorting: They do if you eat them!

Bloomsburg, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Lindsay Lohan: "How Come My Community Service Never Involves Martini Glasses?"

Guy #1, gesturing: ...in a martini glass.
Guy #2: That's disgusting! Why did you do that?
Guy #1: Because he had a broken jaw.
Guy #2: I know, but why were you doing that? Community service?

Bus Stop
San Diego, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Wait 'Til They Do "The Thong Song" in Middle English

Girls, singing: My milkshake bringeth the lads in the square, prithee, 'tis better than yours, 'tis better than yours, I could teach thee, but I'd levy a fee.

4 Bus
Victoria
Canadia

Overheard by: Fair maiden Juliet

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Yeah, I've Been Making Guacamole All Night Long

Hungover conference attendee: Ugh, it's early.
Appalled conference attendee, scooting chair away: You smell like a dead hooker covered in alcoholic bum piss. And avocado.

Conference Center
Las Vegas, Nevada

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Yada Yada Yada, See You at 5 A.M. Saturday

Professor: I know, I know. Worst exam period ever. You don't want to be there. I don't want to be there. I'm not sure how we got that one...maybe the dean has a daughter and I was drinking and I said something. I don't know.

Dalhousie University
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Think You Left It on the Holodeck

Tall brunette: Hey...have you seen my portable soup transporter?
Short blonde (in disbelief): You mean a cup?
Tall brunette: Yeah...that.

Lower Hutt
New Zealand

Overheard by: Seriously worried

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

So I Told My Boyfriend He'd Done It and Kicked Him Out

Girl #1: I was sooo drunk. I woke up and there was shit all over the rug.
Girl #2: That's not good.
Girl #1: Yeah, I'm like disgusted with myself.

University of Delaware

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Suppose the Holes in the Balls Are Also Off Limits?

Vice principal: Listen up, everyone! The rules of the school also apply at the bowling alley. If you smoke, drink, or do drugs, we will call the cops. If you break anything, you will have to pay. If you hump the ball machine for the sake of irony, you will be sent home. That means you, Aaron*!
Aaron*: Aw, man!

High School
Englewood, Colorado

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

You'll Pick Up My Tab, Right?

Cute girl to suit: What are you drinking?
Suit: Absolut on the rocks.
Cute girl: I prefer Belvedere.
Suit: Are you trying to get a free drink?
Cute girl to bartender: May I please have a Chopin Martini, up with olives? (points to suit, then turns back to him) Go fuck yourself. (walks away)

Hotel Bar
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: arrc

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

What Else Is There to Do in Des Moines When It's Dark?

Girl #1: So Gabby's RA was telling her that someone shat on the carpet in the hallway the other night.
Girl #2: Wait, were they drunk or something?
Girl #1: I would think so. It was nighttime.

Drake University
Des Moines, Iowa

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

It's Time My Penis Had a Break

Very drunk girl: I'm going to go pee with my vagina.

Venice, Florida

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

That Wacky Gerbil!

Girl #1: I think he underestimates his strength sometimes.
Girl #2: Yeah, I agree. Like, he slammed my head into the coffee table last night.

Williamstown
Victoria
Australia

Overheard by: Kate

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

She's Just Gherkin You Off

Preppy girl: It's like eating pickle juice.
Guy: Like pickle juice?
Friend: How fucking stupid are you?

Rockford, Illinois

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Wasn't This a Cheers Episode?

Waitress: Is this the book club? These are your free shots.

Bar
Allston, Massachusetts

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Happen to Have an Eyedropper and PH Strip in My Pocket

Tipsy girl to friend on phone: Who are you talking to?
Friend, suspiciously: No one!
Tipsy girl: Do I need to monitor your drinking?
Friend: No!
Tipsy girl: Do I need to monitor your vagina?
Friend: No!
Tipsy girl: Good, cause I don't know how I would do that.
Drunken guy from end of the bar: I can do it!

Bar
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: three_eyed_fish

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Repent and Be Born Again Of Pepsi and the Spirit

Mom to cashier: And we'll have a water.
Little girl: But I want Pepsi!
Mom: We're getting water Pepsi!
Little girl: Yaaaaay!
Mom, winking at amused cashier: When you have kids of your own, water Pepsi is the greatest invention ever.

Medford, Oregon

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

So Sad That It Has to Come Back Down

Drunk girl, pointing to apartment across the street: Look! The elevator goes up and down! It's so cool!
Sober girl: Yeah...they tend to do that.
Drunk girl: Shut up! (pause) But this one lights up! Oh, look! There it goes again!

London
Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: The D.D. for the night

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

We Offer the Full Spectrum Of Coffeeness, Sir

Barista at coffee shop: Can I help you, sir?
50-something man: Ah, yes. Do you have, ah, something like coffee?

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: the man with the mohawk

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

We Talking Pecker Snot Here, Carlo?

Very drunk male friend to very sober, pregnant, married friend: Can I phlegm on your cleavage?

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: a connoisseur of terrible pick-up lines

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

But I'm Currently Putting David Hasselhoff Through a Rigorous Mentorship Program

Elderly Italian lady to store clerk, while judging jugs of wine: I'm the last of the great drinkers.

Liquor Store
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Steve

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Ooh, and a Round Of STD Tests!

Girl #1: Hey.
Girl #2: Hey, what's wrong?
Girl #1: I fucked someone.
Girl #2: I fucked someone too. Let's get a coffee.

Bookstore
Melbourne
Australia

Overheard by: Jaclyn

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Its Barq's Is Worse Than Its Bite

Girl in bathroom: Fuck! My pussy smells like root beer!

BJ's
Eugene, Oregon

Overheard by: nyssa

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Most Cancer Patients Don't Have to Go Make Amends Afterwards, Though

Woman #1: Having alcoholism isn't like having cancer. People don't like you more for having beat it.
Woman #2: Amen.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Guess We Could Try Smoking Them

Teen guy: Yeah, we got like, so wasted!
Teen girl #1: It was great, yeah. We got so high.
Teen girl #2: Where did you guys get the alcohol?
Teen girl #1: What?
Teen girl #2: If you guys were getting high, where did you get the alcohol?
Teen girl #1: That's drunk. You get high off weed.
Teen girl #2: Oh. Okay. Then, where'd you get that?
Teen guy: My sister. She's sixteen!
Teen girl #2: Can't you get high off books?
Teen guy: What?
Teen girl #2: Cause, can't, like...books get you high?
Teen girl #1: What?

Library
East Vancouver, BC
Canadia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

My Favorite Guy to Get Pregnant By Is Also Named Ricky

Skinny punk teen girl: Oh, I love lime rickeys. But my favorite drink--when I'm not pregnant--is a rum rickey.

Franklin Fountain
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: office peon

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Especially When I Get So Drunk I Make Out with Girls

Butch-looking 20-something: I always have Bud Select, and I know it makes me look so butch.
Femme-looking 20-something: No, I don't think Bud Select is butch...I mean, I drink Bud Select.
Butch-looking 20-something: Yeah, but seriously, I know I look like a lesbian, and the Bud Select doesn't help.

Iowa

Overheard by: I assumed they were on a date

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Thought It Was on Every Guy's Punch List

Girl #1: So really Edward doesn't like anal?
Girl #2: Yeah, he doesn't even like anal.
Girl #1: Did you just ask him? Or did that just come up?
Girl #2: You know what? I don't even remember...I was drunk. I must've asked.

Petco Park
San Diego, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Ended Up with Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, and Something Black and Blue

Girl to friend: I scissored at my bachelorette party.

Financial District
San Francisco, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Also See Many Things That Aren't Actually There

Very drunk girl, exiting party: Oh my, it's dark outside!
Sober girl: Oh, are you gonna need help back to your dorm or anything?
Very drunk girl: Oh, no. Wine gives me night vision.

University of Kentucky

Overheard by: Emmatastic

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Hand Her a Magic Feather and She Can Fly, Though

Hipster girl to friend: Yeah, we were going to go to a bar last night, but, you know, Beth has awkward ears.

Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: Normal Ears?

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

That's What You Said About Gossip Girl

Drunk episcopal priest in wine cellar: Yes! Yes! Science fiction is like religion, only backwards!

Penn Yan, New York

Overheard by: Liz

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Tonight on The Real Single Moms Of New Jersey

Your Editors Do Not Want to See the Rest Of the DVD

We're Going to Congress!

I've Got a Case for Her

I Still Can't Eat Shirred Eggs

Shhh-- He'll Hear!

Whomever It Is, Thank You!

Suppose He'll Object to Playing with a White Ball?

Bloated Bellies Are the New Six-Pack

We Thought That Was Gin.

Psh, Paula Abdul's Been Trying to Get Away with That Excuse for Years

Whether Real or Imaginary

God Bless Chicago.

In the Future, Could You Get My Order Right?

Life Is Sweet; Don't Fuck It Up

One Day I'll Graduate to a Shot Of Tequila and a Strip Of Duct Tape

When Nerds Have Sex Dreams

...Or Retarded

Should We Really Drink to That?

But I Can Easily Transition to Toucan Sam

Here, You Drive.

The Jigsaw Killer from Saw Sings "Blue Suede Shoes"

My Kidneys Will Take That Under Advisement

My Resolution Remains Intact!

Jo Introduces Herself to Blair for the First Time

...I Was Thinking Of a Nice Outing to Pottery Barn.

Tonight's Movie: Drunkventures in Babysitting

I Didn't Expect the Irish to Be Such Pussies

These New Refrigeration Bras Are Fabulous

*Facepalm*

No. I Said, "Pass the Bread."

Which Is Why AA Gives You a Sponsor and Some New Friends

And I Just Took a Tab Of E=mc2

Ooh, and Some Scrambled Eggs!

She's Awfully Peesnickety

When I Drink, I Become Fluent in Arabic

...Before Church.

Kim Jong-il Actually Pulls Off "Hobo" Flawlessly

And What Kind Of a Lame-Ass Answer Is "Energy"?

After You Get Your Rocks Off

Though Every Drunken Brawl Is Like a Snowflake.

I Think I've Heard This Bob Dylan Song

How Criss Angel Makes a Tidy Profit at Parties

In the Sense That It's Propping Up My Coffee Table

Because I Buy You Drinks?

So It's Likely He's Very Drunk.

Wish I Was a Sociopath Like My Dad

You Altar Boys Know What I'm Talking About

Government Job?

Or Where This Sweater Vest Came from

Why R.E.M. Established an IQ Prerequisite for Their Fans

I'm Sure Law Enforcement Will Understand

Focus, Britney!

Oooh, Lick Your Lips While You Say That!

"Sometimes"?

Um, That's What You Said About Anal.

So Do We.

This Is What Fun Is, Son.

How Sally Got Drunk for the First Time

Alice Passed; Her Liver Failed

Maybe Stop Voting Republican?

Is That What This Is?

I Swear I Was Aiming for the Bed.

Can't Wait for the Swallow-or-Spit Discussion

And a Fun and Flirty One

Tonight, on No-Context Theatre...

Are You Pregnant?

Doesn't Explain Why Cassie's Eating Everyone's Brain

But You're Drunk Now, Amber.

Meet the Inventor Of Coaster Pasties

That Explains the Sweatpants

Wait-- Purge First!

You're the Worst Fairy Godfather Ever.

Plus I Took a Cab

Props for Not Drinking and Driving, Though

That's the Last Time I Let You Dog-Sit.

With Just a Hint Of Chlamydia

Perhaps a Brandy Snifter Full Of Ocean Water, Then

...Just on That Lady's Shoes.

You Think They're Gay?

Facepalm

And I Just Took a Tab Of E=mc²

A...Cough...Teabagging Emergency?