Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | Topics

If He Dies, They'll Probably Let You Cut All the Lines

Eight-year-old kid in line for Universal Studios park ticket: I know how to get a discount ticket.
Eight-year-old friend: How?
Eight-year-old kid: You get your friend to come along with you, then you stab him in the neck and say "My friend's dying, can we have discount tickets?"

Universal Studios
Los Angeles, California

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He Dug the Mariana Trench With It, Baby Girl

(grandmother mumbles something unintelligible)
Young girl: Oh my god, grandma! I didn't want to hear how grandpa was hung like a whale!

Longview, Washington

Overheard by: CaerBear

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You Laugh, But He Has Poisoned Darts in His Backpack

Seven-year-old little boy staring at a little old lady with white hair: You're going to die!

Hilander
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Koosa

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And He Usually Takes Duct Tape As Well

Girl: Hey, does anyone know if Stu* is still alive?
Guy: What? Why?
Girl, laughing: Because he went out into the woods last night with nothing but a lighter and a can of tomato soup.

Egremont, Massachusetts

Overheard by: lily

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Can They Still Call It Martha Stewart Living?

Girl on cell: Wait... Wait! You're telling me she's not a zombie? You mean she's actually dead?

Emory College
Atlanta, Georgia

Overheard by: Zack

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But They Look Fantastic the Whole Time

Professor: The Swedes. They look at the glaciers, go inside, watch a Bergman film, have a heavy drink, then have some sex in the sauna, but ultimately that is unsatisfying, so they kill themselves.

Oberlin, Ohio

Overheard by: Secret Spy

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But If I Had to Make a Guess It Would Be "Pussy and Blow"

Professor: What did our founding fathers want? Who cares? They're dead.

Oberlin, Ohio

Overheard by: Secret Spy

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That Was an Olsen Twin

Teenage girl: Ohmigod, guess what!
Boyfriend: What?
Teenage girl: I just ran over a possum and it humped my car!

Chattanooga, Tennessee

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Turns Out Hell Is Nicer Than Michigan

Bimbette on cell: I thought I'd died, and then gone to, like, not heaven.

University of Michigan
Ann Arbor, Michigan

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What Happened to the Other.... Actually, I Don't Wanna Know

New homeowner: Did you ever find out what was causing that smell?
Worker: Yep.
New homeowner: What was it?
Worker: I'm not gonna tell ya.
New homeowner: Come on, what was it?
Worker, with a serious face and tone: You've got about four and a half to five opossums underneath your house.

Huntington, West Virginia

Overheard by: Jess

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Good to Know Fast Food Joints Are Just As Classy Outside the U.S.

Crazy hobo in McDonald's line: Does the McDuplo come with fries?
Mcworker: Only if you get the combo. Would you like the combo?
Crazy hobo in McDonald's line: Son of a bitch! This is McDonald's. I want fries with my fucking sandwich. [he throws up on the floor, then walks away muttering.]
Mcworker to other mcworker: I wish I was dead.

McDonald's
Belo Horizonte
Brazil

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Then Whose Funeral Was I Just Attending?

70-something woman to 80-something woman: Oh hello, so you're still alive?!

Wloclawek
Poland

Overheard by: renia

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If the Tagline Isn't "Gotta Fuck Them All" Then Someon Made a Mistake

Girl: The first Pokemon movie was really sad.
Guy #1: Oh, yeah! It made me cry.
Girl: I couldn't believe when Pikachu almost died...
Guy #2: Have you guys seen Pokemon porn?
Girl: Okay, let's just stop right there.
Guy #2: No, it's crazy. You know Misty? She'll do like anything!

Hartford, Connecticut

Overheard by: Claire

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Hugging Is a Chick Thing, Dude

Dude #1, watching TV: That's gross, man... He's hugging a dead person.
Dude #2: It's his brother man. What if your mom just died... Wouldn't you hug her?
Dude #1: Well yeah. I guess I would...
Dude #2: Ewwwww.

Lake View Terrace, California

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A Bright, White Light, on the Other Hand...

Gamer dude: ... and the game comes with like, real guns.
Wannabe goth chick: They're actual guns?
Gamer dude: Well like, real models. And it comes with this mirror that lets you see yourself and like, shows what you look like if you get shot in the face.
Wannabe goth chick: That's nice. That's not something you would normally get to see if you got shot in the face.

UAB
Birmingham, Alabama

Overheard by: Kitty-Jack

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A Mom Can Dream, Can't She?

Angry mother on the bus: Come here and sit down!
Four-year-old: No, it's okay. I'm being good.
Angry mother: This bus is going to stop suddenly and you're going to fall down and crack your head open on one of the bars, and before the bus gets back around to the hospital you will bleed to death!

Pullman, Washington

Overheard by: jeff

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Yeah, Indirectly

Girl: No, isn't Macbeth the one where she gets her husband to kill Macbeth?

Shout-out: community.livejournal.com

Overheard by: Stu

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Yeah, and I'm Not Sure He Has an Exit Strategy

Little girl: Where's Ben*?
Father: He's in heaven, honey.
Little girl: Still?!

Preschool
Fort Lauderdale, FL

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Is That Yiddish for "a Moment"?

Tall gay 20-something male on cell: My niece died. I need a Fresca.

CVS
Boston, Massachusetts

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Do We Have to Drag Bernie Everywhere We Go?

Little boy: But I don't care about the dead guys anymore!

Washington Monument
Washington, DC

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Someone's Been Reading People at the Dentist's Office

Mom: Did you hear that Harry Lee died?
20-something daughter: Yea, and Sylvester Stallone came to the funeral, I thought that was odd.
Previously uninterested dad: Interesting fact about Sylvester Stallone- he has a penial implant.

Baton Rouge, Louisiana

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Disco?

Student at table: Yeah, so, I finally found out what was dead in my basement.

School Caffeteria
Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: Annie

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The 1990's Called...

Philosophy professor, proving his argument: Therefore, if I don't get a little crazy, then I'm never gonna survive.

Michigan State University
Michigan

Overheard by: sjshock

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What's This Irrational Fear of Joan of Arc?

Man on cell: I wouldn't worry about her though, she's dead.

Newark airport
Newark, New Jersey

Overheard by: catherine

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He Works in a 7-Eleven, So He's Used to It

Marine to friend: So, it's like a long story. But basically my mom shot my boyfriend.

CostCo
VictorVille, California

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Anyone Who's Seen Se7en?

Student: Who doesn't want to blow up a fat man before they die?

Ethics class, Oregon State University
Corvallis, Oregon

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We Called Him "Timothy McYay"

HS girl: He was killing us, but in a fun way.

Chino High School
Chino, California

Overheard by: yes

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It Bounced Back and Totally Kicked My Ass at Beer Pong

Criminal justice professor: Babies are hard. I almost had one die on me. It was pure luck it survived.

Shout-out: overheardinlawschool.blogspot.com

Overheard by: citycat

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Why Do You Always Have to Add That?

Guy #1, leaving the bar: I'll see you later.
Guy #2, still nursing his drink: Yeah, if I don't die first.

Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com

Overheard by: molly

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Dude, We Sell That Here

Cop: Have you ever seen a burn victim autopsy?
Security guard chick: No.
Cop: Well, they cut into the guy, and it smelled like cooked meat. It actually made me hungry.

Wal-Mart
Richmond, Texas

Overheard by: Occam's Lady Schick

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Don't They Have, Like, a Three-Day Lifespan Anyway?

Mother: So, what did you learn at nursery today?
Excited four-year-old girl: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck-fuck!
Mother: Every time you say that, one of Santa's elves dies, you know.

London
England

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That's What It Means to Be a Middle-Class American

Professor: It's like when you walk into a bathroom with a corpse in the tub and go, 'Wow, just look at that tile pattern!'

The Evergreen State College
Olympia, Washington

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We Can Bond by Watching the Footage Together Later

Mom: A 21-year-old girl from Oshkosh died today, but they aren't saying how.
College daughter: A house blew up this morning... Well, a mobile home, actually.
Mom: And it killed that 21-year-old girl?!
College daughter: Well, no. They're unrelated. Actually, I'm just trying to upstage you... But a house really did blow up.

Appleton, Wisconsin

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For Extra Credit, You Can Peek Under My Eyepatch

Professor: So, the point of this lecture is never, ever buy a squirrel monkey. They will plot your demise and gouge your eyes out in your sleep.

DePaul University
Chicago, Illinois

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But All You Have Are Seven Cats and a Yarn Collection!

Grandmother: I had to write you out of my will.
10-year-old grandson: What? Why?
Grandmother: You never called. I can't give you money and things if you never call.
10-year-old grandson: But I love you.
Grandmother: You can't just say it! You have to mean it and show it! I'm keeping you out of the will!

Target
Atlanta, Georgia

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That, and Getting Highlights

Drunk lady: So, like, I haven't been to the bar since five. I really hope this plane comes soon, because I have to get to Jacksonville because my mother-in-law is dying. Hahaha! Isn't that funny? Oh my god, I look awful. I should have never left the house without my eyeliner.
Guy, staring: You're serious?
Drunk lady: Absolutely. I can never step outside the house without makeup.
Guy: I don't think you should step outside without rearranging your priorities.
Drunk lady: It's my New Year's resolution.

St. Paul International Airport
Minneapolis, Minnesota

Overheard by: Aayin

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Or Possibly Just Had Severe Intracranial Pressure

Five-year-old girl, singing nursery rhyme: ... Bumped his head, fell out of bed, couldn't get up in the morning... 'Cause he's dead.

Target
Shawnee, Kansas

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... With Grandma

Daughter: How's Bob doing?
Mother: He's alive.
Daughter: Well, that's good. We can't have a dead cat on our front porch.

Spokane, Washington

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Categories: Animals | Chicks | Death & dying | Washington |