Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | Topics

We All Know How to Push Our Parents Right Over the Edge

Man pushing his mother in wheelchair: It's all designed to kill you, mother.

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

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In Totally Unrelated News, Which Of You Left an Earring in My Carpet Last Night?

Biology prof: So the dinosaurs were eating all the iridium poisoned plants, and dying of drug overdoses. That's why you find them in all these weird positions, they were having bad trips and just... dying.

Albuquerque, New Mexico

Overheard by: Danielle

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There's One Poking Out Of Jane's Skirt Now!

Prof: Life is a game of chance. There may not be a tomorrow. Or, it may not be the tomorrow you expect. You might go home tonight and die. Or you might go home tonight and have a baby!

Carelton University
Ottawa
Canadia

Overheard by: if i gave birth tonight, my biggest concern would be how my pregnancy went undetected for nine months.

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...Without Me.

Girl on phone: I was like, "you're already drunk. You're using the death of Osama Bin Laden to get drunk at 10 in the morning."

University of Denver, Colorado

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You Can't Tell the Serial Killers from the Doctors Without a Program

Sally's* uncle: How did Sally enjoy her night observing an ambulance crew?
Sally's mum: She said it was pretty boring. Not nearly enough blood and gore. She did get to kill a guy, though.
Sally's uncle: She what?
Sally's mum: They picked up a guy who was having a heart attack. The paramedic had Sally do something with the patient, and he died. She says it took him too long to die and she got bored waiting.

Restaurant
Auckland
New Zealand

Overheard by: KiwiBloke

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Did You Really Just Say That?

Guy #1: I've been talking to this chick lately. It's kinda awkward, her last boyfriend killed himself, she found him dangling on the noose. What do I say to that?
Guy #2: Tell her you're well-hung.

Delaware

Overheard by: Dave

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A Plan That Cannot Possibly Fail

Student: Did you know that you can live off of student loans?
Professor: No, you can't.
Student: Yeah. All you do is just keep going back to school, and they'll pay for everything.
Professor: But eventually you'll have to pay them back.
Student: Not if you die.

Nicholls State University
Louisiana

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Somebody Has an Admirer

Woman on the street: In the past 24 hours someone a shoved a dead bird in the grill of my truck!

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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It Gave Me Relationship Advice

40-something driver to friend: So I saw some interesting roadkill the other day...

Houston, Texas

Overheard by: Another chupacabra?

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At Least Death Has a Job in This Economy.

Imaginative little boy to brother: That's evil's house, and then death comes walking out of it and he's like, "I hate my job." And then he accidentally taps his wife on the head and is like, "noooo!"

London
England

Overheard by: Kaitlen

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And Hopefully You'll Have Fewer Trackmarks.

Seven-year-old: Mommy, why is that man going under the train?
40-something woman: Because, sweetie, he works there.
Seven-year-old: He works under the train?
40-something woman: Yes, sweetie.
Seven-year-old: When I get older I wanna work under a train.
40-something woman: Nice, maybe you can pay for my funeral. Not like your older brother...

Atlanta, Georgia

Overheard by: Malina

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Do Shut Up and Finish Your Propofol, Darling

Seven-year-old boy: How did Michael Jackson die?
Mother: He had too many tablets and his heart stopped.
Seven-year-old boy: I'd like that to happen to Justin Bieber.

Hertfordshire
England

Overheard by: Corbin

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"...Use Your Afterlife Rollover Minutes"

Sorostitute, about bender: So what time does it start?
Frat boy: I've set my alarm for 9 am. We'll start then. We've got two kegs in and two cases of tequila.
Sorostitute: I'm such a lightweight. I'll probably be passed out by 11. My roommate said "please don't die. If you die, call me."

Penn State University

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She Always Comes Up with the Best Gifts for an Old Fart.

Woman: My mom was in the hospital with brain cancer. Then my cousin showed up, and I asked her if she wanted to, you know, go to a craft store and get something for mom. Well, on the walk over, she... (makes farting noises). So you can imagine how upset I was.

YMCA
Beloit, Wisconsin

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Worst. Midterm. Ever.

Humanities prof: Where were we? (pause) Dead babies!

Murray State University
Kentucky

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Surpised, but Not Offended

English poetry professor: Would you be offended if I hanged myself right now?

University of Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: awesomepossum

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The Best Part Is, He's Recording His Voicemail Away Message.

20-something man on cell: I've got women. I started my own religion. I don't give a shit if hipsters don't think I'm cool. (pause) I know in my heart I'm a fucking genius. If I died tonight, there would be a massive white trash orgasm. (pause) If you're so bad, your soul goes into a wax museum. We should make our own rap music. We'll be so good they'll put us in a mausoleum, like Stalin.

Norman, Oklahoma

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The Two Types Of People: Encapsulated.

Mom: Oh, no... A dead chipmunk.
Small child: Yay! A dead chipmunk!

Morgantown, West Virginia

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If No One Hears Them, Are They Really Dead?

Man: There are mutes dying all over the world, and they can't say anything! So here I am...

Providence, Rhode Island

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No More Decisions for You, My Pet

Smoking man in expensive suit to smoking woman in expensive dress: And then, either way, you're a zombie. Right?

Toronto
Canadia

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But Mick Jagger's So Old

Drunk girl at party: I want to hang off his lips until I die!

Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Claire

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Wait 'til You Hear My Story About the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny's Gay Orgy

Three-year-old boy: Do Santa and Batman fly in the sky together?
Mom: I hope they're careful if they do, because otherwise... Batmobile crashes into Santa's sleigh, boom! (makes explosion noises) Santa and Batman. Dead.
Three-year-old boy: (laughs hysterically)
Auntie: I'm glad he laughed at that, otherwise you were getting the "worst mom" award.

Antelope, California

Overheard by: Megan

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The Kierkegaard Water Park Encourages That

Young girl, about dragonfly on water slide: It can't be alive because it's dead!
College guy: Kids are so philosophical.

Hackettstown, New Jersey

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...Prematurely

Overweight mom, walking away from grave, to young sons: If you don't start behaving, you are going to be buried here.

Arlington National Cemetery
Arlington, Virginia

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Thankfully the Stupid Seem to Always Die Off First

Environmental science teacher: What, in your opinion, is the most pressing environmental issue our planet faces today?
Clueless redhead, raising hand unsurely: Is it... The birds?
Environmental science teacher: Excuse me?
Clueless redhead: Isn't there something up with birds? Like, aren't they dying or something?
Environmental science teacher: Um... Thousands of different animals are dying...
Clueless redhead: Oh. I thought it was just birds.

High School
Los Angeles, California

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If Aesop Wrote Fables in Chicago

Woman: I wish I hadn't had hooters for breakfast!

Fitting Room
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Claire

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I Would Enjoy Crying During My TV News Interview

High school senior girl #1: Where's Meg*?
High school senior girl #2: Getting her wisdom teeth out.
High school senior girl #1: Don't some people die from that?
High school senior girl #2: Maybe she will die.
High school senior girl #1: You'd like that, wouldn't you?

New Jersey

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I Just Barely Care About People

Philosophy student #1, about biomedical ethics: Yeah, we just don't know enough yet to go around screwing with genetic manipulation. Like, cloning people. That creeps me out.
Philosophy student #2: That sheep they cloned, Dolly. She died recently, didn't she? She was like five or six years old.
Philosophy student #1: Yeah. I don't think she lived very long.
Philosophy student #2: What's an average sheep lifespan?
Philosophy student #1, in defensive tone of voice: I don't know! I don't care about sheep!

Vancouver
Canadia

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Only If They Don't Squeak

Student: Is it okay to wear leather trousers to a funeral?

Hull University
Hull
England

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I Don't Know-- Are You Thinking Of Asking Me to Prom?

Sane-looking girl: Okay, so let's say that your boyfriend died a while back, right? Then he comes back as a zombie, like a real walking corpse. But he doesn't want to eat your brains or anything, he just wants to graduate high school and be your boyfriend again so he can go to prom with you. So, do you take him back?
Boy: Um... Has this actually happened to you?

High School Cafeteria
West Virginia

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Kirk Cameron: "No."

Student in library: Could you forget that Jesus died for your sins for like five minutes?

Smith College
Northampton, Massachusetts

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Why Does Everyone Keep Telling Me That?

Guy with soul patch: Don't German people always drive at 200 miles an hour all the time?
Girl in front row, sarcastically: I think you mean 200 kilometers per hour.
Guy with soul patch: It doesn't matter, they're the same thing!
Professor, calmly: If I go crazy and start a killing spree, you'll be the first one I get.

George Washington University
Washington, DC

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Then Do the Romantic Thing and Sell It on the Internet

Ditzy teen girl to ditzy friend: Oh my god! I would never be able to live with myself if I died before I lost my virginity!

High School
Springwood
Australia

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I See Rich People

Mourner at funeral: Tut, one of the undertakers left his jacket on that gravestone.
Son of deceased man: We should check it for money... (whispering) Ghost money!

Graveyard
Cork
Ireland

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Says She Needs the Practice

Elderly woman to friends: Oh, she's lovely, she even offered to sleep in the coffin!

Cambridge
England

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Now How About a Nice Tranq Dart?

Confused elderly female patient, trying to punch staff: If you kill me, my family will hunt you down and take all your money!
Nurse's aide, trying to clean up patient: Yeah, we hear that a lot.

Hospital
Burlingame, California

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Then My Crush Only Increased.

Ten-year old girl #1: He was pretty cute.
Ten-year old girl #2: I know! I had the biggest crush on him in third grade... until he died.

Santa Fe, New Mexico

Overheard by: Wait. What?

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Certainly Like Life in Wisconsin

Guy: Death is a lot like life.
Girl: So I've heard.

Beloit, Wisconsin

Overheard by: I heard that too

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Really Into Suffering, Are They?

Older lady, to friend: If your husband dies they'll find you a new one, the Jewish people.

Kansas

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The Goal Is to Prevent That, Not Hasten It

Son, in dog food aisle: Why don't we buy this one?
Mom: Because he won't eat it.
Son: But it's cheaper!
Mom: And therefore not good for him.
Son: I don't see what the problem is, he'll be dead soon.

Tesco Supermarket
England

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Be Careful Whose Army You Enlist In, Dear Reader

Very tall woman: I never hear you talk about your uncle. Is he dead?
Short man: No, he's still alive, but he's a Nazi.
Very tall woman: Ha ha.
Short man: No, really. He's a Nazi. He was in the SS and everything.

Burlington, Vermont

Overheard by: Sweenan A. Mornstuy

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Not Exactly...

BU student #1, looking at his CharlieCard: Dude, I have never seen this guy anywhere in Boston. Where do you think he is?
BU student #2, also looking at his CharlieCard: Dude, I don't know.
BU student #1: Maybe he died.
BU student #3: Yeah, because he was sticking his fucking head out of the fucking train window while the train was in motion.

Boston, Massachusetts

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...Can I Live With You This Summer?

Chipper guy: Everyone in my family, except for my little brother I think, is suicidal. They're all just like "blah blah blah... kill myself."

Florida Atlantic University

Overheard by: Kiwi

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"...From Outer Space"

Woman #1: Oh, did I tell you? I had a dream last night about Ray. He told me that he was okay where he was.
Woman #2: You know what that means, right? It means he's gone up to heaven.
Woman #3: Or... It could simply mean that you dreamed about Ray.
Woman #2: You have to have some faith in dreams. Remember that bible story: Jacob and the technicolor bathrobe.

Starbucks
Manhattan, New York

Overheard by: Wondering if they took many baths back in those days to reqire bathrobes

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Woody Allen Was Pretty Much the Same As a Kid

Three-year-old to mom on bus: Mom, can you show me how to play my dvd?
Mom: Sure. Why are you asking me now?
Three-year-old: In case.
Mom: In case? In case of what?
Three-year-old, matter of factly: In case you die.

Madrid
Spain

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Old Is the New Dead

Guy on cell: You realize it is old people's only duty to die to get out of the way right?

International Airport
Louisville, Kentucky

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The School Needs All Its Federal Funding

Student teacher: All right, guys, let's try that again. But this time with 30 to 40% less child death.

Clarksville, Maryland

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Every Soap Opera, in a Nutshell.

Guy #1: Hey man, how've you been?
Guy #2: Aren't you supposed to be dead?

Chicago, Illinois

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Yay! Let's All Join the Army!

Girl #1, loudly in quiet library: And we thought we were going to the lecture on reasons to join the army, but we accidentally went to the wrong lecture theater, and it was a medical lecture on burns patients!
Studying girl: Shhhhh!
Girl #1, loudly: And this med guy who knew we weren't med students goes "This is a good lecture to come to! Lots of gory pictures!" and we were both thinking "Shit! Are these army people going to show us photos of people who have been blown up or something!?"
Studying boy and girl: Shhhhhhhh!
Girl #2: Can't be as bad as that lecture from first year. Remember the photo of the person's head who'd been run over by a train?
Girl #1, even more loudly: Yeah! And they showed us photos of a penis which had been bitten off!
(everyone in library, including studying boy and girl, burst out laughing)

Griffith University Library
Australia

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Or Was That the Time I Was Temporarily Decapitated?

40-something suit #1: So you remember when I was dying of melanoma?
40-something suit #2: Is that when you couldn't go on the golf trip with the boss?
40-something suit #1: Yes, that was it!

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Overheard by: MilwaukeeBabe

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And I'm Sure He Was Using That Rope As a Clothesline

Psychologist #1: He said he was going to do his laundry, which is a really good sign.
Psychologist #2: Yeah, you can't want to commit suicide and want clean clothes.

Manhattan, New York

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The New Party Game That's Sweeping Pennsylvania!

Girl to friend: Which would you rather die first, the dog or your dad?

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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Oh, and I Finally Finished That Jigsaw Puzzle!

Woman on cell: Did I tell you the baby died? No?! When did we last talk?

San Francisco, California

Overheard by: Wil

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The Stroke Was His Own Idea

Woman on street: The only bad thing I've ever said to Michael is that he should go and die of a heart attack.

Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Lauren

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And Disposed Of Her Along with the Tree

Woman to companion, while waiting for bus: So, it was really lucky that grandma died on Christmas, because we just drove down and went from there. Otherwise, we would have had to drive down twice.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: ...you're kind of a bitch

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On the Dollar Bill.

Bimbette, standing in front of George Washington's sarcophagus: Hold on! So, where is George Washington?

Mount Vernon, Virginia

Overheard by: Bemused

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Everyone in Retail Can Identify

Little boy, in sing-song: I believe I can fly! I believe I can... die!
Sales clerk: That's the sad version.

JC Penney
Columbia, Missouri

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Which Is Sort Of Like Reparations...

Black woman, chuckling gleefully at bad financial news on tv: Oh, some white folks gon' kill themselves now!

Medical Office Waiting Room
Chesapeake, Virginia

Overheard by: Ashleigh

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Now I'm Not Saying You're Killing Them, Mr. Luciano...

Man in black suit on cell: Why don't you get a statement from one of the other witnesses... if they are still alive.

Courthouse
Austin, Texas

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...As All the Tour Books Will Tell You.

Guy on cell: If you're serious about jumping, you go to the Golden Gate Bridge. If you're really not, go to the Bay Bridge.

San Mateo, California

Overheard by: Technetium

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Homie Also Has a Hard Time on Armed Forces Career Day

Flamboyant, very white math teacher: Alright, we have a test on Tuuuuseday, which is also, guess what, the blood drive! So don't donate blood before the test and please, please, do not donate blood during the test. You'll be writing with one arm and bleeding with the other, and then you'll get paler and paler... and keel over and die. Homie can't fly that. Homie can't.

Math Classroom
Hawaii

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Stop Making Your Eyes Glow This Minute, Missy!

Three-year-old daughter, passing Catholic church: Dead people live there.

Tucson, Arizona

Overheard by: Joe Oxford

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Did They All Eat at Red Lobster Before They Died?

Father to 20-something daughter: One of these days we are going to have to take you on a trip and show you where everyone in the family is buried.
Daughter, dryly: That would be a lively trip.

Salt Lake City, Utah

Overheard by: It would be a trip to die for

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Your Editors Are Also Totally Gay for Fuzzy Unicorn Shirts

Teen girl #1: Are you doing it with her, too?
Teen girl #2: Yeah, I'm totally gay for Meg* and her fuzzy unicorn shirt.
Teen girl #3, laughing and choking: I'm not suppose to die choking! I'm the only one who knows CPR!

Harrison, Michigan

Overheard by: Lauren

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But We Honor Him Every Time I Buy You a Lap Dance for Your Birthday

Mom tourist: We're going to go see the Washington Monument, do you know who it's named for?
Son tourist: Yes, our first President, George Washington
Mom tourist: That's right. (pause) He's dead now.

Washington, DC

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That's Not the Jesus Story I've Heard

Greenpeace guy: It's never good to idolize someone who died hanging himself and jerking off.

Oregon State University

Overheard by: David

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After They Moved Him, I Found Five Dollars Under the Cushion!

Woman #1, at party: Oh, hi, Lisa, how are you?
Woman #2, shrugging: Okay, I guess.
Woman #1: Where's your husband? Did you bring John with you?
Woman #2: Oh, you didn't hear? John died two weeks ago. He died sitting in his chair.

Kentucky

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Much Like My Soul!

Girl on cell: Yeah, so I'm going to tell my mom that he asked me to marry him, and then he died. (pause) Yeah, she'll probably ask if I need anything, and that's when I'll tell her about the car. (pause) Yeah, I'll be heartbroken, blah, blah, blah... at least I'll get a new car out of the deal! (pause) He's a made-up boyfriend! She's not going to find out he didn't really die, because he never really existed!

San Marcos, California

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She Doesn't Deserve a Prince Like Me

Guy #1, during a college basketball game: Dude! I saw my ex, Bea, down there!
Guy #2: Really?
Guy #1: Yeah. She got fat! Fuck you, bitch! (high fives guy #1)

Araneta Coliseum
Manila
The Philippines

Overheard by: VM

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This Will Be on the Midterm.

American history professor: So this Bacon guy died of the flux. Or as I like to say, he shat himself to death.

University Of Louisiana
Monroe, Louisiana

Overheard by: a bored Am. History student

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That's the Olive Garden's Call-Ahead Policy, Ma'am

Loud girl on cell: No embalming for me! I just wanna rot!

National Zoo
Washington, DC

Overheard by: Joe

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Salem's Kind Of a Dead Town

Gay hairdresser: Ew, I don't think I could handle seeing dead people all gross and stuff!
Teenage girl getting haircut: You know, it's really not that bad... I kinda like it!
Straight hairdresser: Working downtown scares me sometimes...

Salem, Oregon

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Ten Bucks Says They're American

Teenage tourist girl to friend: Wanna play connect the dots with my track marks?
Friend: (laughs nervously)
Teenage tourist girl: Also, if you do that stupid thing with your water glass again, I'm gonna strangle you, and throw you in a pit and put a dead dog on top of your grave. Pass me that cheese?

Pizzeria
Rome
Italy

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I Also Liked Starving My Baby to Death

Teacher: No one liked middle school. Everyone hates middle school. I'd rather starve to death than teach middle school. I'd rather starve my baby to death than teach middle school.
Student: I liked middle school.
Teacher: Freak!

Portland, Maine

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Besides, It's Been Done to Death

Girl: I'm not sure if I can be bothered dying.

London
England

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Australian Law Forbids Weekend Mourning

Teen girl #1: I think we need to get her a rebound guy.
Teen girl #2: Don't you think it's a bit soon? Paul died like two weeks ago.
Teen girl #1: Hmm. I guess. (pause) Maybe just for weekends then?
Teen girl #2: Yeah, okay.

Bus Stop
Brisbane
Australia

Overheard by: cara

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Ancient Egyptian Belief to the Contrary

Teenage girl: I'm pretty sure dead people don't have to eat.

Rumson, New Jersey

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The Best Part Is, They've Trademarked That Name

Friendly waitress, serious: Would you like to order a happy ending?

Lycoming Mall
Pennsdale, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: DazedinPA

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She Wears Steel-Toed Boots.

Teen #1: I could fuck your sister.
Teen #2: Yeah? Well, I could fuck a horse.
Teen #1: No you couldn't.
Teen #2: Why not?
Teen #1: You can't just sneak up on a horse and fuck it in the ass.
Teen #2: I wouldn't sneak up on it, I'd let it know I was there.
Teen #1: You'll get kicked in the face. And you'll die.
Teen #2, quietly: Whatever, dude... Just don't fuck my sister!

New York City, New York

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Or Worse, Move to Australia

Student: It's make friends or die.

Albert Park
Auckland
New Zealand

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Clearly You've Never Had to Deal with a Crying Five-Year-Old

English teacher: Literature just isn't exciting unless people suffer. Like Dora the Explorer, nothing bad ever happens to her. The show would be a lot better if her monkey got hit by a car and died, wouldn't it?

High School
Calgary
Canadia

Overheard by: mcoo

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Presenting, the Deepest Person at Banana Republic.

Aspiring fashionista: What if I die today and regret that I never dressed up all the time? But if I worked at Banana Republic, I'd be forced to dress up.

BART Train
Berkeley, California

Overheard by: Kaitlen

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Ah Well, You Can Always Become President.

Professor: Isaac Newton, on his deathbed, was proud to announce that he was a virgin. So if any of you want to be famous scientists, you are going to have to be willing to make a few sacrifices.
Girl, raising hand: Um.
Professor: Oh, is it too late?

De Anza Community College
Cupertino, California

Overheard by: shyinvisiblegirl loves physics

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...Just Eat More Popcorn and You'll Be Fine

Guy #1: Dude, I wonder how Orville Redenbacher is still in all those commercials when he's been dead for, like, a bazillion years?
Guy #2: Maybe he's a zombie.
Guy #1: Or a robot.
Guy #3: Or a zombie robot.
Guy #1: Seriously, dude. I think you've been reading too much sci-fi.

Bellingham, Washington

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For Example, They Blush When You Cook 'em

Sweaty guy: Lobsters are self-aware, man.
(friend #1 and friend #2 nod in agreement)
Sweaty guy: Yeah, I used to work in this restaurant, and we'd make this lobster soup every day. I'd put one lobster on the counter and one in the boiling water. Dude, as soon as the first lobster hit the water, his buddy would start freaking out. He would put his claws up, like he was pleading for his life.
Friend #1: Yeah, they're smart. My friend's family had a pet lobster. He'd eat with them and everything.
Friend #2: Like on The Simpsons!
Sweaty guy, to himself: Lobsters are self-aware. Crabs, they don't give a shit, but lobsters? They're self-aware.

Portland, Oregon

Overheard by: Karl

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Genesis Suggests the Lord Had Second Thoughts

Psychology professor, speaking of horrible deaths in the French Revolution: People are terrible...they should have never been invented.

Rutgers University
Newark, New Jersey

Overheard by: Person

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Hamlet Woulda Loved Resident Evil

English teacher, reading Hamlet: "To die, to sleep; To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come..." Alright class, we'll pick it up from there on Monday.
Frat boy #1: What the fuck was that about?
Frat boy #2: I don't know, man. Let's go kill some zombies.

Gettysburg College
Gettysburg, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Alyssa

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Pearls Of Wisdom from How to Raise a Serial Killer

Rich mother: Well, you'll just have to hold it! You can't go to the bathroom around here! They are positively disgusting, you'll die!
Little child, crying: Please, mommy, I need to go!
Rich mother: Don't you value your life?

Annapolis, Maryland

Overheard by: Alex Ello

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Got Any Bacon Chocolate?

Woman looking at chocolate display case: I don't want any of those. Those aren't death-on-a-stick enough.

Coco Flow
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

Overheard by: Reiza

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Vegan to the End

College girl: Yeah, she had dried cranberries and lettuce in her coffin too.

Atlanta, Georgia

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Pretend He's Speaking German, If You Want to Be Able to Sleep at Night.

Little boy, in sing-song chant, marching around outdoor cafe: Die die, die die, die die, die die!

Santa Monica, California

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I'm Like, "Everybody Dies-- Walk It Off!"

Guy with mullet on cell: He's in that "oh, my wife just died" mood. (long pause) Yeah, I know. Boo-hoo, ya fuckin' pussy!

Plantation, Florida

Overheard by: Just wants to buy some Spaghetti-O's

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God Decides to Test Out a More Adorable Grim Reaper

Little boy, excitedly: Everybody's dying these days!

Hooksett, New Hampshire

Overheard by: Evee

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I'm Afraid It's Just Cold Cuts for the Dead

Teacher: Where does the friar discover the bloodstains in the tomb?
Student #1: In the kitchen!
Teacher: There's no kitchen in a tomb.
Student #2: Well, dead people got to eat too!
Student #3: No they don't, stupid!
Student #4: Wait, don't people get hungry when they die?

9th Grade English Class
Louisiana

Overheard by: Is it Summer Vacation Yet?

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Why Some Kids Refuse to Come Out Of Their Shells

Little boy: Mommy, if a turtle has no shell is it naked or homeless?
Mother: It would be dead, sweetheart.
Little boy: That's sad, mommy.
Mother: No, it isn't, dear. Come on, this is our stop.

Metro
Washington, DC

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And the Third Is to Ask If We Watched America's Next Top Model Last Night!

Blond on cell: She doesn't call us in six months and when she does, the first call is to tell us that her boyfriend is dead on some motel floor, and the second call is that her mom is dead on the sofa!

Houston, Texas

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Tonight, on Bizarre Rationalization Theatre...

Creepy guy with shriveled arm: Nah, I haven't used in a couple months. But if I wanted to start again, I got a savings account now.

5 Bus
San Diego, California

Overheard by: mhd

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Ooo, Let's Get T-Shirts Saying That.

Sorority girl #1: What did he die from?
Sorority girl #2: Cancer.
Sorority girl #1: Gawd! Cancer sucks!

CVS
Charlottesville, Indiana

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My Mother Always Said I Married a Piece Of Trash

Neighbor, talking about busy husband: Yeah, he may take Monday off just to decompose.

Burke, Virginia

Overheard by: Jimmy C

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In the Recurrent Nightmare Of Christianity

Girl, at beginning of Jesus Christ Superstar: Are they going to kill Jesus?
Boyfriend: Well...yes, Sarah. That's sort of how it works.

Jersey City, New Jersey

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

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Well I Certainly Hope So

Film student: Brittney spears is going to kill herself one day.
Film professor: Well, I see her more like a Liz Taylor, slowly bloating up and taking a long time to die.

Winnipeg
Manitoba
Canadia

Overheard by: Sean_G

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Couldn't Dad Wait 'til I Graduate?

Girl in North Face jacket and Uggs to clone friends: I mean, why couldn't it have been a normal suicide? Like, this week? Really?

Penn State Library
University Park, Pennsylvania

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Or Maybe That Was the Little Asian Kid from Goonies?

Animated professor: And without the socialist revolution, to paraphrase Jar Jar Binks, "People gonna die!"

University of Wisconsin-Madison

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And Have an Orgy to Celebrate-- Right, Mommy?

Seven-year-old daughter, confused: Mommy, why's the play called Murder on the Ides?
Mom: Well, it's about Julius Caesar, a Roman leader. See, in this country, when we don't like our leader anymore, we vote 'em out. But the Romans...
Seven-year-old daughter, excitedly: Oh! Oh! They kill them!!

Colgate University
Madison County, New York

Overheard by: Jake

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After a Long Winter, the Root Cellar's Empty

20-something hipster to friend: So...I'm officially out of corpses.
Friend: Dude!

Portland, Maine

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Softly with Your Song, or What?

Black woman in the ER on cell: You killed him? What do you mean you "killed him"?

Chestnut Hill Hospital
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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We've Given the Bin Ladens Enough, Sir

Crazy Polish man: I need a receipt!
Cashier: Sir, you can't have a receipt if you didn't buy anything.
Crazy Polish man: I need a receipt. I need a receipt or I'll kill you...because I am Osama Bin Laden.

Starbucks
New York City, New York

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But I Have Bought His Ashes on eBay

Guy in Mexican restaurant: Have you ever met the Pope?
Girl in Mexican restaurant: No. He's dead.

Groton, Connecticut

Overheard by: Newt

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The Physics Lab That Was Never to Be Repeated

Tall skinny guy: Did you know that three out of every four deaths on roller coasters are girls? It's because they're so small and aerodynamic.

Six Flags
Valencia, California

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The Kind Of Boy Who Grows Up to Be President

Eight-year-old boy playing Nintendo: Die! Die! Diediediediediediedie!
Older brother: Isn't that a little violent?
Eight-year-old: I'm goddam Kirby! I can do anything I want!

Houston, Texas

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Yeah, I've Been Making Guacamole All Night Long

Hungover conference attendee: Ugh, it's early.
Appalled conference attendee, scooting chair away: You smell like a dead hooker covered in alcoholic bum piss. And avocado.

Conference Center
Las Vegas, Nevada

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Isn't This Guy a Character on The Real World?

Ripped gym guy #1: This Jamaican guy showed me an ab exercise yesterday...it will kill you!
Ripped gym guy #2: (stares blankly, no reaction)
Ripped gym guy #1, louder: It will kill you! It will kill! You!!

Gym
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: wow, really?

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I Mean, That's the Logical Route.

Guy to friend: No, dude. You wouldn't be able to kill a robot. You would have to befriend it and then, when it's not expecting it, rip its brain out.
Friend: I tried that too.

Westwood, California

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As We Learned in Our Last Lab.

Biology teacher: Your brain can have a conscious override over breathing. However, it is hard to stop breathing intentionally.
Student: Oh, ya! That's why it's so hard to drown people!

Steilacoom, Washington

Overheard by: Meredith

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"Cake Box" May Be the Best Speaker Label We've Had on This Site

American guy carrying cake box: And the 911 operator just hears "you fucking whore!" and the line goes dead. Seven hours later, the cops show up.
Incredulous Asian girl: And they were all dead?
American guy: Oh yeah, all of 'em were dead. That's why you're much better off being middle class in this country, health-wise.

London
England

Overheard by: Jai

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Whatever Happened to a Good Old-Fashioned Accidental Pregnancy?

Rich girl: After 25 you might as well just die. If I'm not married by the time I'm 25, I'm having a boob job, a nose job and a face lift.

Leeds
England

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Totally Struck, but Only Partially Killed

Girl #1, hearing lightning beep: What was that?
Girl #2: It's totally the sound that goes off when you're about to be killed by lightning.
Girl #1: Oh my god, I would totally laugh about that, except for my friend totally got struck by lightning this summer.

Fort Collins, Colorado State University

Overheard by: J-Rock

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Are There No Gay Cougars?

Fratty-looking queer #1: I need some lip balm. My lips feel all dried up, like...old fruit.
Fratty looking queer #2: You are an old fruit. (pause) No, really, you're 25, which means you're almost 30, which means you're almost dead.

Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: gymbo

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You're Really Cute, Wendy, but You're a Fucking Sociopath

Girl #1: So last week, I went to find my cat...and I found her dead on the side of the porch.
Girl #2: (unphased)
Girl #1: And then, I went into the backyard to feed my dog...and I found him dead on the side of the house!
Girl #2: (starts laughing uncontrollably)

Escondido
San Diego, Calfornia

Overheard by: see-are-uh

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And Not Knowing When Is the Most Fun Of All

Completely calm girl: We're all gonna die.
Happy girl, laughing: It's true!

Eugene, Oregon

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Clinging to the Side Of the Bus With Magnets Was Pretty Clever, Though

Teen girl: My other friend is, like, sooo dumb, I'm so glad she isn't dead!

66 Bus
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: kerminator

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You're Gonna Make Somebody an Annoying Little Wife, Harry

Roommate #1, watching Celtics playoff game: Is this the final four?
Roommate #2: No.
Roommate #1: Wait, when's March Madness?
Roommate #2: Are you fucking kidding me? Die.

UMass Dartmouth, Birch Hall
Massachusetts

Overheard by: Jason

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Never Stopped Tupac from Making Money

Teen girl #1: Are you going to see that movie about Kurt Cobain? The actor that plays him is supposed to be good!
Teen girl #2: Why would they make a movie about him if someone else was playing him? Can't they just wait until he dies and then make one?
Teen girl #1: He is dead.

Los Angeles, California

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That, My Friends, Is How Christianity Works

Ranting professor: Say you're on a date, and your waiter places a bag of saltine crackers in front of you.
(students are puzzled)
Ranting professor: So, you're happy to have these crackers. But your date says to you: "Don't you see the filet mignon or the lobster?" But you can't see them! So you eat the crackers, and then you die. Then I go to your funeral.

Moorpark College
Moorpark, California

Overheard by: Amanduh

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Translation: Dad's Not Leaving Us Much

Woman to friends holding books: I finally told him, "I don't care if your father dies tonight--I am not missing book club!"

Coffee Shop
Kenosha, Wisconsin

Overheard by: a coffee gal

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

While a Choir Sings, My Liquified Remains Will Be Flushed Down a Golden Drain

College freshman: I keep making plans for my funeral, and they keep getting better!

San Francisco State University
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: Anne

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On the Plus Side, We've Finally Found a Decent Place for Our Slip-n-Slide

Loud woman on phone: I was at the funeral on Wednesday and Melvin was sitting in the pew behind me. Halfway through the ceremony he leans forward and goes: "We're at the wrong funeral!" So we had to get up and find the right one. When we got there, the hill was so steep the hearse couldn't get up the hill! It was awful!

Train
Aberdeen
Scotland

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Andie McDowell's Character in Four Weddings and a Funeral Was Kind Of a Bitch

Girl #1: After he proposed, I thought to myself, "why couldn't he have done this a few days before, so I could show off my ring at the funeral?"
Girl #2: I know, that's such a shame!

University of Delaware

Overheard by: It wasn't even THAT pretty of a ring!

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Chad and Jeremy Break Up

Gay guy #1, walking down the street: Oh, this place is cute. Your parents should stay here when they visit.
Gay guy #2: That's a funeral home.

Market Street
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: Ray

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Americans Are So Cute

Whiny five-year-old: Mama! I'm soooo hungry!
Frustrated mom: Well, I don't care! And do you know why? Nobody ever died from hunger!

Tuscaloosa, Alabama

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To Re-Apply My Black Lipstick, Silly!

Goth/punk chick smoking a cigarette: Oh shit, you know what I forgot?
Goth/punk guy: That you're killing your unborn baby?

Huron & First
Ann Arbor, Michigan

Overheard by: Melanie

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We'll Now Proceed to the Dining Hall for an On-Site Demonstration

Professor, discussing King Solomon's Mines: So they find the body in the cave, and it hasn't decomposed at all. Not such a strange thing, as those of you who've ever hidden a body in a freezer will know.

Carleton University
Ottawa
Canadia

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As You'd Know If You Ever Watched TV With Me

Two-year-old: Waaaaah!
White trash mom: You want mommy to push your stroller?
Two-year-old: Waaaaah!
White trash dad: You wanna go ten feet under?!
White trash mom: Honey, it's six feet.

Sears
Nashua, New Hampshire

Overheard by: jefe

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DeadSpace!

Friend #1: God! Old people get so pissy when they don't get their obituaries on time.
Friend #2: Why?
Friend #1: Because they want to know which of their friends has died that week.
Friend #2: Oh, so it's like Facebook for the elderly!

Memorial Hospital
Sudbury
Ontario, Canadia

Overheard by: Dani

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Why "Family Vacation" Will Always Be an Oxymoron

Toddler to older sister: The pencil! Pencil! Look! (screaming) Looooook!
Teenage sister: That's the Washington Monument.
Toddler: Noooooo! It'll kill us! (sobbing uncontrollably) Kiiiillll! (continues sobbing)

National Mall
Washington, DC

Overheard by: Meaggoo

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

That's Not Quite How I Remember the Ending Of "Little Red Riding Hood"...

Loud woman: But she said it wasn't a Target! It was a Wal-Mart. And then the grandmother didn't die. And she's still alive today!

Panda East
Amherst, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Rachel

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Tonight's Movie: I Want to Live!

Chunky woman, while doing crunches, to friend: I went to the Bodies exhibit yesterday. For some reason, seeing all those weird, plasticized dead people made me want to work out.

Women's Gym
Studio City, California

Overheard by: urzzz

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Your Editors Just Threw Up

Soccer mom #1: I heard once that the reason animals don't live as long as humans is because they come into the world knowing how to love, and we have to learn.
Soccer mom #2: That is so true.

Lee County Humane Society
Auburn, Alabama

Overheard by: Gee

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But It's Kinda Cool When They Come Back to Life

Guy #1: You want to come hang out at my grandparents' with me?
Guy #2: That's alright. I don't like hanging out with grandparents. They're always dying and shit.

Gastown
Vancouver
Canadia

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But If I Collect Enough Quarters, Perhaps I Can Buy Him Out

Aboriginal hobo: There is a nice cave outside of Kings Park. Only problem is there's some old guy livin' in it, he's been livin' there for at least 20 years... I'm just waiting for him to die already so I can move in.

Train
Perth
Australia

Overheard by: Dylann

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

From the Long-Awaited Sequel, Dude, Where's My Conscience?

Guy on phone with friend: Yeah, but I think Tommy's grandparents died, so his house might be on for the party if his parents are out of town.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: 8 Day Charm

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The Sierra Club Got a Restraining Order Against Her

Woman #1: Hey! Look! Trees!
Woman #2: No, you can't get one. Not after you killed the last one we gave you.

De Anza Flea Market
Cupertino, California

Overheard by: shyinvisiblegirl

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The Little Guy Never Gets a Break

Boy: Why can't we go in?
Girl: Maybe someone was murdered.
Boy: Lucky.

West Junior High
Columbia, Missouri

Overheard by: Kelsey

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The Christian Right Gets Weirder Every Day

Man outside bar: Look man, I love my wife, I do. But I swear to god, I wish she were dead.

Shout-out: overheardinjxn.blogspot.com

Overheard by: Ian

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Then I'm Afraid There'll Be No Way Around Our Necromany Fee

Woman in cell phone store: I want to change the billing name on this account.
Employee: I'm sorry, we can't allow you to make changes on this account. You're not the primary account-holder.
Woman: Right. The primary account holder died.
Employee: I'm sorry, only the primary account-holder can make changes to the account.
Woman: He's dead!

Verizon Store
Grand Rapids, Michigan

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And It's His Last Term

Midwestern American: Well, we never did find out if he was a racist or not, but there's not a whole lot left of him to find out now.

London
England

Overheard by: doe

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When Spies Go on Dates

Man coming out of Tibetan restaurant: But I saw the rabbit!
Woman: No, the rabbit is dead. I promise you, the rabbit is dead.

Boulevard de Magenta
Paris, France

Overheard by: Texpat

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I'm Scared to Take a Leak

Four-year-old kid: Everything I touch dies.

Rest Stop
Connecticut

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That's New Yorkese for "Pretty Please"

Eight- year-old girl to parents: Can I pleeeese have a Cinnabon?
Dad: No, you don't need that. Finish your dinner.
Eight- year-old girl: If I don't get a Cinnabon, I'm basically going to kill myself.

Rest Stop
New York Thruway

Overheard by: Karen

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Grand Theft Auto: Apocalypse May Have Gone Too Far

Teenage ghetto boy: That'd be great, man, if everyone died ... They'd be gone, and we could take all their cars!

Bus
Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Claire

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Hey, If the Hippos in Fantasia Can Do It...

Aunt: Well yeah, we dance with the turkey before we put it in the oven.
Girl: What?!
Aunt: Well you know, to give it one last dance.
Girl: One last dance?! As if it danced before!

St.Louis, Missouri

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The EMTs Can Just Pull Him Out From Under It

Preppy Asian chick on cell: I don't care if he's dying. I'm not going to move my car from a parking spot.

University of Tennessee

Overheard by: Jessica

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Boys Are As Disposable As Kleenex

Girl #1: Hey girl, what's up? How's your summer? You still runnin' 'round with that bad boy?
Girl #2: Oh no, he dead.
Girl #1: He dead?! No! He dead? When?
Girl #2: Few weeks ago. It don't matter. We weren't goin' out no more.

eavesdropdc.blogspot.com

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Of Thirst?

Girl telling friend about dream: So then I was lying on a bed of beef jerky and my dad came up and his armpit hair was all white and fuzzy and that's when I realized I was gonna die.

Park
California

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There's Nothing Like Mourning Sex

Young Spanish guy: So yeah, I met up with my ex Becky last night, we ended up having sex behind the pharmacy.
Young white guy: I asked you to come hang out yesterday but you said you had your grandpa's funeral!
Young Spanish guy: I did have the funeral, but that was in the morning.
Young white guy: So you had time to fuck Becky behind the pharmacy but no time to hang out with me? Besides, you said you were close to your grandpa. Shouldn't you have been mourning?
Young Spanish guy: So... does this mean I don't get a high five?
Young white guy: *grudgingly high fives*.

Movie Theatre, Ottawa
Canada

Overheard by: Ash

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Some People Just Look Better with Misshapen Skulls

Guy #1 (after guy #2 leaves): Man, I hate him so much.
Girl: What? Why?
Guy #1: Ever since he fell out that window and almost died and shit, girls have been all over him. He's a goddam womanizer.
Girl: He is pretty cute.

Houston, Texas

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In the Meantime All of Our Popsicles Taste Like Mr. Waggles

Prof: So, how's everything at home?
Italian cafe worker: My dog died.
Prof: Oh my god, I'm so sorry. Was he old?
Italian cafe worker: Yes. But I can't bury him. The ground is frozen. There's snow.
Prof: You could have him cremated.
Italian cafe worker: I have him in my freezer. I had to clear it out, my freezer. All the food is out. I'm going to keep him there 'til mud season when I can bury him in the backyard.
Prof: Oh.

Landmark College
Putney, Vermont

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Relationships Have Been Built on Less

Skinny girl to prettier friend: You can't toss him a mercy fuck every time his father dies.

Arby's
Tempe, Arizona

Overheard by: Gwen West

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Drive-by Guiltings Are Far Too Common in Marin County

Mother to daughter: Come on!
(daughter rolls eyes and follows)
Random man to young girl: Is that your mother? You should be thrilled! Mine's dead!

Marin County, California

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It's Important to Have Something to Look Forward to

Elderly woman #1: How's your mother?
Elderly woman #2: She's great! She wants to get euthanized!

Chappaqua, New York

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We Better Have to Swim Through Her Blood When We Disembark

Metro announcement: The Red Line is experiencing delays due to a sick customer at Farragut North... Trains will share tracks at Gallery Place and Metro Center.
Man on metro: How sick was this customer?
Woman on metro: She better be dead, I'll tell you that.

Washington, DC

Overheard by: jposkin

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That, and All the Hors D'Oeuvres Were Sprinkled with Lithium

Chick #1: But everyone was happy. It was a happy funeral.
Chick #2: Wow, your grandma must have been a real bitch.

High School Classroom
Englewood, Colorado

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Don't Worry-- We'll Only Use the Minorities

Boy: We could have the clones test nuclear bombs!
Girl: They're not robots. They're real people.
Boy: So? They still blow up.

Seattle, Washington

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Those Puppies Were Terrible People

Guy: So, you can talk about stabbing puppies but I can't talk about punting babies? That doesn't seem right.
Girl: That's exactly right.

Rutgers Stadium, New Jersey

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Just a Little Bit Shot!

Gay friend: I wish him the best in all his endeavors, and whatever his life is like now... But I hope he gets shot when he comes out here to Mardi Gras.

San Diego, California

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The Fine Print on the U.S. Constitution

Woman: You should never kill people, especially if you're poor!

Halifax
Nova Scotia
Canadia

Overheard by: there goes my plan

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Guess Which One's from Jersey

Chick #1: The problem with buying a house seized by the police? Someone could have been murdered there.
Chick #2: That's not a problem, that's a bonus!

Aurora, Colorado

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs do