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Vertical Bars Are So Slimming
20-something goth/thug girl: Remember the time I went to jail? I didn't want to leave!
Denny's
San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: I didn't want to be at dennys
Categories: Crimes | Default | Girls | Goths | Memory lane | Restaurants | Texas | Thugs | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2008-06-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Lucy and Ethel Have a Serious Falling-out
Well dressed woman on cell: No, no, no. That's the problem, I can't just shoot her because she is on my property. She has to be like breaking into the house or something... We'll have to find another way.
Maket East Train Station
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Crimes | Default | On the phone | Pennsylvania | Suits | Train | Violence | Women | Posted 2008-06-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And This Time Don't Roll on Me Just Because They Offer You Cookies and Juice
Little boy: You used to have a pocket knife, mommy!
Mother, laughing nervously: No, I didn't!
Little boy: Yes you did! You used to!
Nervous mother: No, I never did! I never had a pocket knife! Please don't tell the police that!
YMCA
Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Muffin
I'm Considering Reaching Out to Her With a Fifty Caliber Rifle
Man #1: How's your wife?
Man #2: How should I know?
Man #1: What do you mean: "How should I know?"? She's your wife! Don't you talk to her?
Man #2: Not since she got the restraining order on me.
Huxley, Iowa
Overheard by: Hondo
Is That How the Peter Rabbit Story Is Supposed to End?
Surprised biker: And once he was released from custody, he never ate rice again.
Outside Burger Joint
Glendale, California
Overheard by: Brady
Categories: California | Crimes | Default | Food | Restaurants | Weirdness | Posted 2008-06-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Way I'm Stealing Your Bra
Student: So if I, like, read something in the library and I memorize it, am I, like, stealing it with my mind?
Instructor: Yes. You can steal things with your mind.
Copy Editing Class
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
Are Public Rammings Unusual in San Francisco?
Cop on radio: We've gotten a report from race security that there is a large Viking ship being rammed repeatedly into some garbage cans in the park.
Golden Gate Park
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: geek whisperer
Everyone's a Beautiful Woman After 12 Tequila Shots
Drunk guy on cell: Dad, I can't talk right now, I'm surrounded by FBI agents, but I've got your $100, your beer, and your marijuana. Oh, and your toilet paper. [Pause.] No, dad, FBI agents. [Pause.] I don't know, they're all beautiful women.
B Line
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Beauty | Crimes | Default | Drugs | Drunks | Family ties | Guys | Massachusetts | Money | Offers and requests | On the phone | Sexuality | Train | Posted 2008-06-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's an Identity
Boy to girl: Rape is not a choice.
San Diego, California
Categories: California | Crimes | Guys | Violence | Posted 2008-06-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Thinking, I'm Thinking!
Prof: Do you think that kicking a pregnant woman in the stomach was wrong?
Student: Ummmm... I'm not certain.
Prof: Do you think that what he did was a crime?
[Student pauses for nearly 30 seconds.]
Student #2: Dude, he kicked a baby.
Seton Hall Law
Newark, New Jersey
Categories: Class | Crimes | New Jersey | Philosophy | Pregnancy | Questions | Stomach | Students | Teachers | Violence | Posted 2008-05-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...For Not Telling My Servants to Buy More
Student girl: Aw man, I've no food in the house. It's like I've been robbed, but it's my fault!
Sainsbury's
Lancaster
England
You're Lucky You Were Able to Kiss All My Anger Away
Guy #1: Dude... that joke went to far.
Guy #2: You know what was going too far, David*? Breaking into my house.
Bolingbrook High School
Bolingbrook, Illinois
Categories: Comebacks | Compare and contrast | Crimes | Guys | Illinois | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Posted 2008-05-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How Jessie Got Us Arrested
[Three intoxicated college girls are walking along the street. One trips, falls, and all three laugh hysterically. An unmarked police van passes by]
Cop, yelling out of the window: Looks like three underage drinking tickets right there!
Girl #1: We're all 21!
Cop: Well, it looks like you're 4!
Girl #2: Looks like you're 37 and looking for a boyfriend!
Madison, Wisconsin
Categories: Age and ageing | Comebacks | Compare and contrast | Cops | Crimes | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Friends | Relationships | Sexuality | Sorority types | Weirdness | Wisconsin | Posted 2008-05-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Good Point --No Effect on Religious Beliefs
Professor: Now, if we did eliminate illness and achieved immortality there might be serious religious repercussions. Can anyone think of how this might affect religious beliefs?
Bimbette: Well, like, if Hitler were immortal, he would, like, go to jail for, like, a million years and then, like, chill out for eternity, you know?
Eternal Youth and Immortality Seminar
Lafayette College, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: knows that Hitler would still be dead because he SHOT himself
Categories: Bimbettes | Class | Compare and contrast | Crimes | Education | History | Pennsylvania | Philosophy | Questions | Religion | Stupidity | Teachers | Posted 2008-05-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Lactose Intolerant!
Professor: So if we played the word association game, and I said the word "ice cream", Tiffany might say "playground" because she used to eat ice cream on the playground. And then maybe if I said the words "ice cream" to Tom, he might say "sex" because he's a serial rapist.
Tom: But I'm not.
SUNY
Geneseo, New York
Overheard by: Colin
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Crimes | Education | Guys | New York | Students | Teachers | Violence | Words | Posted 2008-05-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
This Season's Most Unlikely Love Story
Girl, looking at video games: If I had a sword that pimp, I would just kill people all day and run around.
Boy following her: Girl, if you had a sword that pimp I would stop being gay and make you stop to make love to me.
Girl, looking appalled: I'd be busy killing people, though.
Boy, matter-of-factly: Well... I'd make you stop every thirteen kills.
Random Walmart
Boise, Idaho
Overheard by: Bunnee
Later That Night, She Was Attacked in Her Bed with Maple Syrup
Professor: So what sorts of people travel abroad and exploit children that are forced into prostitution?
Student: Canadians.
[Class remains silent and professor stares.]
Student: ...I... Was just kidding.
Las Positas College
Livermore, California
Slylock Fox's Puzzle: How Many Things Are Wrong with This Conversation?
Thug sitting in traffic yelling into cell: I moved you and the goddamn kids out here! I robbed muthafuckas for you! I'm facing five to ten goddamn years for you, and I can't even get a goddamn thank you?! Bitch, you drunk?!
Highway
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: scaredspectator
But It Was a Planned Incarceration
Obese John Wayne wannabe: I can't believe we are not hanging out tonight.
Gap tooth hootchie: I told you I made plans with my friends a month ago!
Obese John Wayne wannabe: Well you're supposed to be hanging out with me. We never hang out anymore and we are boyfriend and girlfriend!
Gap tooth hootchie: We were supposed to hang out this past Saturday and Sunday but we didn't! You were not fucking there.
Obese John Wayne wannabe: I had a change of plans!
Gap tooth hootchie: Change of plans?! Muthafucker you were in jail!
Bus
Iowa State University, Iowa
Overheard by: Casey
Categories: Bus | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Couples | Crimes | Euphemisms | Fat people | Girls | Gripes | Guys | Hoochies | Iowa | Leisure | Relationships | Posted 2008-04-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The First Time in History a Bang from Behind Has Resulted in Pregnancy
Middle-aged guy: Yeah, I've been in a couple of accidents before. One time this lady rear-ended me out of nowhere.
Middle-aged woman: Did you sue her?
Middle-aged guy: Of course I did. How do you think we paid for in-vitro?
Newark Airtrain, New Jersey
...Full Of Heroin?
Middle-aged black woman to husband: Baby, you remember that time I shot you?
CVS
Indianapolis, Indiana
Categories: Crimes | Default | Hubbies | Memory lane | Questions | Relationships | Stores | Thugs | Violence | Women | Posted 2008-04-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or Is That Necrophilia?
Social problems teacher: So what are some social problems that affect us today?
Female student: Murder?
Teacher: Yeah, that's good. [writes it on the white board.] Any others?
Male student: Narcissism?
Teacher: I don't quite understand...
Male student: Well if people are falling asleep all the time and they don't know it...
Grand Rapids Community College
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Happy Birthday to You/ Don't Bend to Tie Your Shoe
Girl #1: Hanging out with him on his birthday was so much fun!
Girl #2: Oh, I heard about that! He went to jail, right?
Brooklyn Avenue
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Glad they're not my friends
At Least Let Me Tie You to the Roof-Rack
Girl stopped at a gas station refueling: Get out of my trunk now! People are going to think that I kidnapped you!
Charlottesville, Virginia
Overheard by: A Concerned Friend
Categories: Conductors | Crimes | Default | Fears | Girls | Offers and requests | Virginia | Posted 2008-04-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
God, I Miss College
College girl: Remember that girl who admitted to stealing my clothes from the laundry room?
Friend: Yeah?
College girl: Well, she finally gave me my clothes back at the end of the semester before she mysteriously disappeared. I was like going through them and I found not just my clothes, but like other people's clothes too. Not just girls either. I found tighty-whities and shit. But the weirdest part was at the bottom of the basket. There was a plastic bag of jewelry ranging from like cheapo rhinestone shit to like semiprecious stones, a tv remote with no batteries, a crazy-straw, some masking tape, an empty lipstick tube thing, and a handful of Canadian money.
Newark, New Jersey
Categories: Assholes | Clothes | Crimes | Default | Friends | Girls | Mental illnesses | Money | New Jersey | Sorority types | Weirdness | Posted 2008-04-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
He Works in a 7-Eleven, So He's Used to It
Marine to friend: So, it's like a long story. But basically my mom shot my boyfriend.
CostCo
VictorVille, California
Categories: California | Crimes | Death & dying | Default | Family ties | Friends | Military | Murder | Relationships | Women | Posted 2008-04-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Mean, I Am, but That's Neither Here Nor There
Black lady on cell: I said, 'Yeah, I'm black, but dat don' mean I be makin' counterfeit money!'
Food Lion
Sanford, North Carolina
Overheard by: Elizabeth
Categories: Black people | Crimes | Default | North Carolina | On the phone | Race | Women | Posted 2008-04-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If He Does Get Convicted, I Expect at Least a Bus Pass
Woman on cell: I know! I'm going to testify in court tomorrow for him so he doesn't go to jail for ten years. The least he can do is give me ride home!
Red line metro
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Mary
Categories: Crimes | Default | Gripes | On the phone | Washington, DC | Women | Posted 2008-03-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's in My Sippy Cup Right Now
Second grade teacher: Okay, so if you are what you eat, what food would you be?
Student #1: Cake!
Student #2: Candy!
Student #3: Beer!
Second grade teacher: No, you can't choose that. It's illegal for you to drink beer.
Student #3: But I drink it all the time!
St. Catharine's
Ontario
Canadia
... Along with One of His Feet
Mother at market stall: But he's only got one good pair of shoes, and the police have taken them as evidence...
Guildford
Surrey
UK
Overheard by: Ike
Guppy-Smuggling Is a Lost Art
Professor: You take some guppies from different populations in Trinidad, put them into little plastic bags, shove them down your pants, and smuggle them through the airport back to the lab in California. At least, that?s what we did.
Shout-out: www.overheardatumbc.com
Categories: Animals | Canadia | Colleges & Universities | Crimes | Default | Education | Overheard at UMBC | Teachers | Posted 2008-03-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Weapons of Mass Digestion
Paranoid blonde: He's just so quiet and creepy. I really feel like he could kill someone!
Annoyed brunette: Because he's quiet and creepy?
Paranoid blonde: Well, he, like, steals forks from the dining hall and stuff!
University of Maryland, College Park
Maryland
It Says Here the Mule Consented?
Cop: You know there's a warrant out for your arrest, right?
Guy with arm in cast: Oh, really?
Cop: Yeah... So we should probably have a chat about that.
Town Court
Duanesburg, New York
Overheard by: 91 in a 65
I Went for the Preschool Pu-Pu Platter
Professor: Did those cops find you the other day? They were waiting outside the classroom.
Student: I know. You're not kidding.
Professor: No, I'm not.
Student: Yeah, I kidnapped the kids over Christmas.
Professor: Good for you.
Arkansas State University
Arkansas
When Was the Last Time You Got 20 Years for Jaywalking?
Guy: Statutory rape is the jaywalking of sex crimes!
Interbay Golf
Seattle, Washington
Categories: Crimes | Guys | Washington | Posted 2008-01-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Can't Believe You Missed Last Night's 24!
Loud guy on cell: Where you at? Did you make the stop? He went to jail yesterday? What? What time did you get locked up? Damn!
McDonald's, Illinois Center
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Crimes | Gossip | Illinois | On the phone | Posted 2008-01-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's Just Like Daddy's!
Five-year-old boy holding red dress: Mommy! Mommy, look! I stealed this for you!
Macy's
Stanford, California
Categories: California | Crimes | Should have used a condom | Posted 2008-01-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Gonna Cuff You Now, 'Kay?
Security guard to girls who set off alarms: It's okay. Sometimes I steal things, too.
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Cops |