Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | Topics

Given That We Shoot Burglars on Sight

Guy: So you still living in Yeoville?
Girl: Yeah. I love it. I've got great rent. And last time I checked crime stats, our house break-ins were way lower than other places.

Johannesburg
South Africa

Overheard by: Kingmo!

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It's So Hard to Find Cheap Storage in the City

Guy reading iPhone: IT sez here some gal in Fort Meyers was arrested and later found to have a knife hidden in her vagina.
Friend: I could go with that...

Tampa, Florida

Overheard by: Café con leche

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...Like in The Sweetest Thing?

Student #1: Hey, did you notice the huge black wooden sign that's blocking the entrance to the girl's bathroom due to vandalism?
Student #2: Yeah, I heard someone stole one of the urinals.
Student #1: It's a girl's bathroom, though.
Student #2: Don't they use them too?

High School
Gavette, Arkansas

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Just Like Me Ignoring That Stop Sign!

Policeman, pulling over drunk guy on bike: License and registration, please.
Drunk guy: I'm on a bike!
Policeman: Sorry, force of habit.

Jefferson City, Missouri

Overheard by: BartMan

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It's So Convenient for My Court Appearances

Young thug #1: I'm telling you, man, if they get you for jaywalking or littering down here, they just dismiss it.
Young thug #2: Really?
Young thug #1: Yeah, man, the homeless do it all the time.
Young thug #2: Man...
Young thug #1: I'm telling you. That's why I stay downtown.

Elevator
Los Angeles Superior Court
California

Overheard by: Mylinda

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I'm All, "Cholesterol Be Damned!"

Tenor-voiced guy on cell: So I hung out at the pie shop after that for about half an hour. And I stole a quiche. Yeah, I totally stole it. And a croissant. Just walked up to the counter and bagged them for myself and walked out. It's my reckless streak.

Streetcar
Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: Felicity Thistle

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In Cambridge? Perish the Thought.

Girl to friend: We're under a bridge! I feel like a crack dealer.

Midsummer Common
Cambridge, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Anti-Math

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I'm Too Tired to Hold My Sphincters Shut

Girl: We need to go steal more diapers from Target.

Texas Christian University
Fort Worth, Texas

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It Just Pops Out

Law student: She just gets all boner-fied about civil procedure.

Mississippi College School of Law

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Um, Isn't That a Burger King Crown?

Drunk aboriginal man to drunk friends: I just got out of jail. My mum's been crying for me, my dog's been praying for me, my uncle Bob's been praying for me, all to get me back to Narrogin. I tell you, I'm the king of that town.

Fremantle
Australia

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Yet I Continue to Wear Pleated Khakis

Goth girl: So, basically, I broke the law in four countries...

Dundee
Scotland

Overheard by: goldfishgirl

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All You Need Is a Duffel Bag

Woman to coworker: You'd think if they were going to decapitate someone they wouldn't hide the evidence in their rear window.

West Lebanon, New Hampshire

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Australian Pornos Actually Have Plots

Lady in the cafe: I stole that woman's bra, that's why her boobs were exposed.

Opera
Melbourne
Australia

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Why In Touch Weekly Exists: Explained.

Employee #1: Are you filling in for Jane*?
Employee #2: Yeah, is she okay?
Employee #1: Yeah, she's all right. Apparently her stalker's in town so she just had to go to the precinct and file all these reports.
Employee #2: Jane* has a stalker? That is fabulous and terrifying all at once.

Yoga Studio
Manhattan, New York

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

That Corner Is the En Suite Bathroom, Hon

American tourist male: It must have been horrible being locked up in a place like that.
American tourist female: It couldn't have been that bad. They had to at least let them out to go to the bathroom.

Dungeon Cell
Tower of London
England

Overheard by: fnordy

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Although There's Nothing Worse Than a Goat with the Munchies.

Hipster girl #1: Those are nice (points at earrings), where did you get them?
Hipster girl #2: Oh, I stole these. I only steal earrings, for some reason. So did your parents ever get those goats for their farm?
Hipster girl #1: Not yet, but my mom said they're going to start growing pot.
Hipster girl #2: That's cool.

Cafe
Durham, North Carolina

Overheard by: Vincent Ignatius

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...And Selling Them on eBay!

Stoner #1: Hey, have you seen Jim* lately?
Stoner #2: No, man, I don't hang out with him no more.
Stoner #3: Why not?
Stoner #2: He kept stealing my Skittles!

Public Library
Eugene, Oregon

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Now How About a Nice Tranq Dart?

Confused elderly female patient, trying to punch staff: If you kill me, my family will hunt you down and take all your money!
Nurse's aide, trying to clean up patient: Yeah, we hear that a lot.

Hospital
Burlingame, California

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Isn't Tennessee Enough?

American girl: I get really emotional when I'm in church. I feel like I don't deserve to be there.
Brazilian girl: That's because you deserve to be in prison.

Nashville, Tennessee

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It's the High Notes That Hurt Your Ears

Overweight middle-aged woman, about infant crying non-stop: Oh my god, seriously, somebody just kill it.

Target
Norman, Oklahoma

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...To Cut Coke with

Girl #1: So I unplugged the phone before I left, so the school can't call my mom to say I'm not at school.
Girl #2: Oh, that's pretty smart.
Girl #1: I also took my dad's credit card.

Train
Chicago, Illinois

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And It's Not So Much "Pick Up" As "Break Out"

Little girl pointing to City Hall: That's where we pick up daddy!
Mom: No, it's across the street at the jail.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: not good

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Prison Pretty Much Takes Care Of That, Anyway.

Teacher: So... then, what should happen to the guy?
Student #1: I think he should be sent to jail.
Student #2: I think that since he killed his neighbor, he should have to be killed himself. Get the death penalty. Ya know... "eye for an eye".
Student #3: That's the stupidest thing in the world. It doesn't work in all situations.
Student #2: Yes it does! Let's say some guy molests a kid, then the guy should... (pause) Ok... Nevermind.

High School
Illinois

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In That It's Entirely Made Up

Guy #1: My boss, who's a Shaolin monk, told me if I saved his school, he'd pay off my loans. He was like "I pay off 1.5 million dollar debt!" and then, for a while, I was dealing with the Russian mafia, so I've been pretty busy.
Guy #2: Man... Your life is like a movie. It's like Karate Kid 15 or something.

Tulane University
New Orleans, Louisiana

Overheard by: iwouldtotallywatchthatmovie

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Unless It Was in Vegas, in Which Case It Stays There.

Defense lawyer, teaching trial advocacy: But remember that in real life, nobody charged with marijuana possession is actually going to go to trial.
Law student: Last summer when I was working at the legal clinic I had a client who was charged with possession go to trial!
Defense lawyer: What? In fifteen years of practice, I've never seen it go to trial.
Law student: Yeah, the prosecutor was being a dick about it too--he wanted jail time.
Defense lawyer: Who was the prosecutor? Tell me his name, I'll tell you if I ever got high with him.

Law School
Canadia

Overheard by: Law student

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Whereas Canadia Only Feels Like It.

Strange girl: I'm so happy I live in Canada. If I lived anywhere else, I'd probably be in jail.

Norman Wells
Canadia

Overheard by: Tobac

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A Few Black Eyes, and They're All, "Wah Wah Wah!"

Female customs and border patrol officer: So I wasn't surprised when he left his wife for his girlfriend, but I was surprised by the domestic battery charge. But... you know how women can be.

Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com

Overheard by: Jan

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It Happens.

Deli worker : Hey, do you got a pen that works?
Colleague: Nah, I must have dropped mine in the parking lot after I stabbed someone with it.

Long Island, New York

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...In My Expert Psychiatric Opinion.

Girl: And it's not like Jeffery Dahmer crazy, it's like Mel Gibson crazy.

Coffee Shop
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Asteria

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Dropping Off Her Kids Again?

Older woman on phone: June* is in jail right now, but she'll be into work a little later.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: o_o

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Aren't You Glad We Can All Joke About Mass Murder Like This?

Sweet-ass security guard: Miss, you're going to have to hang up your phone and run it through the machine.
20-something girl intern: But I'm not a terrorist, and I'm on an important call. Can't I just walk through?
Sweet-ass security guard: Miss, that would be like Timothy McVeigh driving up and asking "hey, can I park my car here?"

Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com

Overheard by: Ian

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These New Refrigeration Bras Are Fabulous

Middle-age woman to friend: We're smuggling beer! We're smuggling beer!

Fisherman's Wharf
San Francisco, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

At the Time, I Considered a March on Washington.

Girl to friend: The Oscars don't really mean shit. I mean, personally, I feel it was a crime when they overlooked Eddie Vedder for best supporting actor in singles.

Atlanta, Georgia

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That's What You Said About the Tossed Salad!

Guy: This macaroni and cheese tastes like prison.

Davenport, Iowa

Overheard by: Don

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Translation: He's Very Rich

Girl: He's like a pedophile, but for some reason that just makes me like him more.

Santa Cruz, California

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Reader Survey: What's Going on Here?

Man, chasing girlfriend after party was busted: Bitch, where is my money? Bitch! Where is my money?
Girlfriend: You can't go to jail again, get in my trunk!

Bloomington, Indiana

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Like Divorce Mediation

Guy to girl wearing multi-colored cowboy scarf: You're like a rainbow bandit. It's like you're going to rob me... With niceness.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

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Now I'm Not Saying You're Killing Them, Mr. Luciano...

Man in black suit on cell: Why don't you get a statement from one of the other witnesses... if they are still alive.

Courthouse
Austin, Texas

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Don't Worry - I Left My Pocket Knife at Home.

Three-year-old boy to mom, noticing police officers nearby: Don't do anything bad while you're here. Okay, mom?
Mom: Okay.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: an amused barista.

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Mr. Cheney's Office Failed to Return Our Calls

Student: I think the result of this case means that people are worried that government officials can be held just as accountable as normal citizens.

Law School
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: MaggieB

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This Lecture Would Be Protected Under Attorney-Client Privilege

Professor: In a year or two, you're going to graduate and have to face the hard decision about what to do with your life. Some of you will be lawyers, some of you will be engineers, and some of you will opt for a life of crime. When you do, and you get caught, roll over on the person you're caught with, and ask for absolute immunity. I hope you don't choose a life of crime, but if you do, at least be smart about it.

Pre-law Class
USC

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Which Brings Me to Today's Lab Assignment

Professor: Sponges can regenerate from the broken pieces. If you put a sponge through a mincing machine, you just get lots of little sponges. If you put a cow through, you get mince. If you put a person through, you get arrested.

Rhodes University
South Africa

Overheard by: Amused Zoology Student

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Her Anti-Drug: Crime

Goth schoolgirl: So, I bought 500 feet of police crime scene tape today. Heheheh!

Adelaide
Australia

Overheard by: A vaguely worried teacher

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Um, Have You Seen It Pole Dance??

Giggly blonde teen: Ew, you know bestiality is illegal, right?
Giggly brunette teen: It wasn't bestiality!
Giggly blonde teen: And yet you know that your cat is good in bed?

Ontario
Canadia

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Since Alf Went Out Of the Business

Girl, getting up to leave: Gotta go meet flipper down by the docks, he's bringing me a shipment of cocaine.

Shout-out: www.overheardatmcgill.com

Overheard by: Ben

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

While I'm Sober, for Once.

Suit lady #1: So how was your weekend?
Suit lady #2: Oh, it was really good. I went to a jail.
Suit lady #1: Really? I've never been to a jail.
Suit lady #2: Yeah, neither had I... it was really good.
Suit lady #1: I've always wanted to go to a jail.
Suit lady #2: Yeah, you probably will... I thought "Seeing as I'm putting people in there, I should probably find out what it's like."

Sydney
Australia

Overheard by: Cassie Barlow

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Then They Told Me There'd Be Free Lunch

Incredulous girl: They wanted me to do jury duty. I told them I ain't no snitch!

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: that doesn?t make sense.

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And a Fun and Flirty One

Girl, returning from holidays in America: So yeah, I got put in actual jail.
Friend: For drinking on the beach?
Girl: Yup, got the orange jumpsuit and all.
Friend: Did you get to keep it?
Girl: I didn't like to ask, to be honest. Would've been a savage souvenir, though.

UCC Campus
Ireland

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But You're Drunk Now, Amber.

Girl #1: So, yeah, when the cops like think you're kinda drunk or something, they'll get you to do the ABCs.
Girl #2: What? I can't even do that when I'm sober! I'll try now. A, b, c, d, e, f... then j, maybe?

High School Gym Class
Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: Myr Myr

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Next Thing You Know, You've Blogged Yourself 5-10 With Good Behavior

Big, sweaty man: No, you need to stay offa that Facebook, offa that MySpace, because when they need evidence, that's where they look first.

Columbus, Ohio

Overheard by: slightly suspicious

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Think I've Heard This Country Song...

Guy to girlfriend: If I go to jail for you, you better get your tits done.

Viewmont Mall
Dickson City, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

That's True Of Any Cop, Though.

Boy: I should be a rent-a-cop.
Girl #1, laughing: You'd be the least believable rent-a-cop ever.
Girl #2: Yeah, they might mistake you for a gay stripper.

Tempe, Arizona

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

This Would Be a Lot Less Creepy If You'd Take Off the Nixon Mask

Driver, with boat in tow: How much?
Toll booth operator, in a sing-songy tone: Seven-fiftyyyyy!
Driver: What?
Toll booth operator, sing-songy: Highway robberyyyyy!

Toll Booth, Florida Turnpike
Sunrise, Florida

Overheard by: Broke Commuter

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Tennessee Teenagers Have Only Two Options

Loud smoking kid: Man, I gotta help out at vacation bible school next week.
Girl: Why?
Loud smoking kid: I promised Zach I would if I wasn't in jail.

Sewanee, Tennessee

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I Just Did His Horoscope

Conductor: Do not buy anything from the man in the yellow shirt and white tennis shoes. He will be arrested.

Subway
Los Angeles, California

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And It Was in My Baby's Diaper for Safekeeping the Whole Time

Judge: The police found drugs in your house?
Mother: It was just a little crack, and it was only there for two days.

Ulster County, New York

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When the Producers Of Cops Join the National Geographic Channel

Professor, talking about archaeological surveying: Even in the mountains, people will be hunting, farming, running from the police.

Glasgow
Scotland

Overheard by: sarah

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So Smuggle Something Spreadable, Like Whipped Cream.

Flight attendant, describing Australia's quarantine practices: And if you do not declare any foodstuff and you get caught you may face on-the-spot fines, or prostitution.

Flight to Sydney, Australia

Overheard by: Erik

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Why Law & Order Doesn't Take Place in San Francisco

Young Asian cop easing old Asian man out of police car: My first day on the beat and already I'm finding out about and busting illegal Mahjong parlors! I didn't know they existed!

San Francisco, California

Overheard by: McF

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You'd Best Not Be Bringing That Bag to Our Next Orgy!

Sorority girl #1: That whore stole my coach bag!
Sorority girl #2: Did you call her out on it?
Sorority girl #1: Well, no, it wasn't actually mine yet, but I told her that I was going to get that one like a week ago, and now she's carrying it. (walks past coach girl, who has iPod headphones in one ear, phone up to other ear) Whore!

Central Michigan University

Overheard by: Central Girl

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They Later Stole the Cake

One of three bros, ordering a cake: And could you make it say, "Sorry we stole your car"?

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: cake fixes all problems.

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Any Tattoos or Distinguishing Marks?

Dispatcher on police scanner: A subject was just robbed at gunpoint by a black male wearing no clothing.
Cop #1: Can we get a clothing description?
Cop #2, after silence: Just look for a naked man with a gun.

News Station
Jackson, Mississippi

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For the Last Time, Tasseled Loafers Do Not a Mafia Make

Chick: Gay is not an ethnicity! I don't care if they have their own mafia!

Outside Central Library
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia

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Sugar Bear Is Next

Serious philosophy teacher: Captain Crunch has been raped.

High School
Bethesda, Maryland

Overheard by: clementine

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But You Never Know with the Royal Family Left to Their Own Devices

Guy with small crowd around him (completely straight-faced): So we're doing everything we can to ensure that there'll be as little incest going on as possible. (crowd nods)

Hofstra University, New York

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Then Ask Him How Much He'll Pay to Adopt You

Harried mom to adorable eight-year-old girl: You just ask a policeman. Next time you see a policeman you ask him, "Is it illegal for me to sleep in my mommy's car?"

Toronto
Canadia

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What's More Fun Than a Game Of Hungry, Hungry Hostage?

Black girl #1: Did you hear her? She said she was hungry as a hostage! I mean, how hungry is a hostage?
Black girl #2: Well...probably a lot...
Black girl #1: Yeah, but sometimes they feed yo' ass!

Northern Virginia

Overheard by: nosy roommate

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One More and She Gets a Set of Steak Knives

Guy on cell: The trial's today... Um... No...for the last time mom was in jail.

16th Street
Denver, Colorado

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The ACLU Defends the Constitution? What Kinda Commie Shit Is That?!

Volunteer #1: We can't be selling this music, it's devil worship.
Volunteer #2: Well, that's the ACLU. The ACLU ought to be abolished. They're why there's all this stuff around.
Customer: Why are you getting rid of that? Don't you think people ought to be able to choose for themselves?
Volunteer #2: Harry Potter is a witch!
Customer: I think we ought to get rid of Bush and Cheney, put them in jail--they're mass murderers!
Volunteers #1 & #2: (silence)

Joshua Tree Thrift Shop
California

Overheard by: Celeste Mann

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But at Least I'm Passing His Biology Class This Time

Preppy girl on cell: Yeah. He just got out of jail and he's hitting on me again.

Salem Community High School
Salem, Illinois

Overheard by: LiLlistna

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Children Raised on Judge Judy Have a Unique Set of Problems

Six-year-old #1: I'm taking you to court!
Six-year-old #2: No you're not!
Six-year-old #1: I'm taking you to court!
Six-year-old #2: No you're not!
Six-year-old #1: You're in court!
Six-year-old #2: No I'm not!
Six-year-old #1: You're in court now!
Six-year-old #2: (begins to cry)

Small Town
Maine

Overheard by: Willem Rosenthal

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...I Put Down My Whip and Hugged Her

Attractive passerby: And then she was all like, "my parents would never press charges against you." And I was so touched...

Houston, Texas

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Long Story Short, We Got Toys, Motherfucker!

Acting professor: We just tweaked a few things to make it Christmassy and kidnapped Santa.

Point Park University
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: ZB

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Since They Haven't Yet Arrested You for Wearing That Silly Human Suit

High girl #1: I mean, they can't arrest me for walking around in a gorilla suit, can they?
High girl #2: No, dude, I don't think so.

Georgia College & State University

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And Made Them Into a Necklace for You

Dad to daughters: I've stolen more bellybuttons than you can count.

Rochester, New York

Overheard by: Jude

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And You Didn't Invite Me

Sweet old lady: Well, when we moved to Gilbert we started up a garden and thought we had volunteer tomato plants.
Sweet middle aged lady: Volunteer?
Sweet old lady: You know, they came up without us planting them. So I started watering them and giving them fertilizer, and they got pretty big. Then one day I was eating dinner and I saw a boy jump over our fence in the back, rip out one of the plants, and take off with it!
Sweet middle aged lady: He stole a tomato plant?
Sweet old lady: Well, there was a sheriff down the street a few days later, so I told him about it. He came over to look at them, and told me they were marijuana plants!
Sweet middle aged lady: They weren't tomatoes?
Sweet old lady: I thought they were, but whoever lived there before us must have planted marijuana in their yard, and when I started watering they sprung up again.
Sweet middle aged lady: That gives me a funny feeling, knowing your house had drug users in it.

Tucson, Arizona

Overheard by: Mia

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She Lost Her Entire Purse, and They Were Married That Night

Woman #1: We went to a club together one time and they were still dating, and he kept trying to kiss me. Well, I refused to. But then my cell phone got stolen and I was mad, so we made out. A lot.
Woman #2: You made out with him because your phone got stolen?
Woman #1: Yeah, basically. I was pissed and trying to have a good night, and he's very attractive. So I was like, "let's go!"
Woman #2: I think you're my hero.
Woman #1: I'm supposed to go to a concert with him next week.
Woman #2: Well, don't lose your wallet, because then you'll have to do him.

Fayetteville, North Carolina

Overheard by: James

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...To Paraphrase Nietzsche

White trash woman on cell: Yeah, she OD'ed, right? I just got out of jail for murder. "Your mom died of overdose" is what she told her. You need to stop telling people all this, I could get locked up for a long time. You told Heather and everybody, she knew all about what I did. But...I don't know, she said to call her. She's at her house, I guess. Look, you don't do shitty things to people that are there for you, you do shitty things to people that are not there for you.

Computer Science Department
Ohio State University

Overheard by: Now Heather and I are both in on the secret

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Says the Girl Who Bought Full House on DVD?

Guy: Wouldn't it be funny if she was actually selling her baby down in Mexico, and she ended up on 48 Hours Mystery, and we could say we knew her when?
Girl: I don't think you understand comedy.

Shout-out: overheardlines.blogspot.com

Overheard by: tim

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She Has to Pee Sometime While She's in There Looking for Her Career

College girl: If anyone ever tried to tell me not to pee outside, I'd take it straight to the Supreme Court! I mean, I'm not gonna pee in someone's face or on a baby or anything, but if I wanna pee in a dumpster, then I will! (pause) Rosie O'Donnell would be with me on this. I don't know why, but she would.

East Lansing
Michigan

Overheard by: Everyone should have a cause...

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But She's the One Who Showed Up at the Club with the Lollipop and Pigtails

Man on cell: So now he thinks that I'm into her, and then she thinks that I'm a child molester...exactly.

Walnut Creek, California

Overheard by: Mod

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Seventy-Four

Loud woman to man: How many people have you killed? Between you and me.

Center City, Philadelphia

Overheard by: keeeeem

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Like I Used to Do with My Raggedy Ann

Chick #1: I hope you never snap and become a serial killer.
Chick #2 (lovingly): Because I'd kill you first!
Chick #1: I know.
Chick #2: And then I'd stuff you... I would stuff you with your clothes so you smell like yourself.

St. Louis, Missouri

Overheard by: Good Advice!

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Grand Theft Auto: Apocalypse May Have Gone Too Far

Teenage ghetto boy: That'd be great, man, if everyone died ... They'd be gone, and we could take all their cars!

Bus
Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Claire

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What Passes for Legal Argument in Australia

Goth lolita girl: I'm sensing some copyright violations in your aura.
Emo guy: Nuh-uh!

Chatswood Station
Sydney
Australia

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Like All Those Silly Little Hate Crimes

Suit on cell: That's why I love Alabama. It's really hard to get arrested for doing stupid stuff.

Fort Leavenworth, Kansas

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Oh, That's It-- I'm Blocking BET!

Four-year old black boy, as security car passes: Run, mommy, run! The cops are coming!

Outside of Wal-Mart
Cortlandt, New York

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Usually They Just Ask Us to Keep the Blood Splatter to a Minimum

Lady on cell pumping gas): Y'know, even when he picked up the knife, I just didn't expect the cops to get involved...

Shell Gas Station
Atlanta, Georgia

Overheard by: Just filling my tank, thanks

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Mini-Meanie, We'd Call Him

Freakishly tall chick: Could you imagine a primordial dwarf in my family? The kid would kill me as soon as they could wield a weapon of some kind, because I'd laugh at them so much.
Friend: Or he'd turn the hatred outwards, and be a serial killer. Oh man, could you imagine, a primordial dwarf serial killer?
Freakishly tall chick: That would be awesome.

Aurora, Colorado

Overheard by: Lee

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You Wanna Do That, the Army's Recruiting Right Down the Block

Customer having lunch: Can I smoke at this table?
Waitress: Honey, you're in Nevada. You can smoke, gamble, drink, screw and cuss. Just don't kill nobody!

Bucket of Blood Saloon
Virgina City, Nevada

Overheard by: Philly Joe

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Somebody Check the Vatican Website for Me

Ethics professor: Killing drug dealers is okay, but killing priests is wrong. Wait, I may have that backwards...

Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York

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Guess Which One His Wife Just Tells Him Is a Law

Professor: People break laws all the time, like stop signs and oral sex.

Shout-out: www.overheardatumbc.com

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Massah, I Sho Is Happy You Dink I's Ah Nice Negro

Redneck: I'm not racist or anything, I mean, this guy was a pretty nice nigger. He didn't even try to steal my money.

Adrian, Michigan

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You Know the Coolness Police Aren't Real, Right?

Chick: My sister has a 4.0 GPA, but that doesn't mean anything when you've got a criminal record.

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Evy

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Jeffrey the Giraffe Went Chuck Norris on Us

Punk kid to friend arriving in mom's minivan: Dude, you missed it! We just got kicked out of Toys "R" Us! It was so awesome!

Outside Movie Theatre
Atlanta, Georgia

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Motherfucking Dog

Dude: But he fucked my mom!
Friend: Well, you did steal his dog.
Dude: Yeah, I guess.

Flea Market
Tennessee

Overheard by: Mouse

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I've Got Theft Insurance on You

Mom, yelling to small boy as he wanders towards street performer: Fine, if that's what you want, get stolen!

Ottawa
Canadia

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You're Like Two-Legged Mace

Girl (about her college): The on-campus security is really good too, the campus police will get to you in like, 30 seconds. I'm still thinking about getting mace or something.
Girl's younger brother: No one wants to rape you.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Quazarfreez

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The Fine Print on the U.S. Constitution

Woman: You should never kill people, especially if you're poor!

Halifax
Nova Scotia
Canadia

Overheard by: there goes my plan

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Guess Which One's from Jersey

Chick #1: The problem with buying a house seized by the police? Someone could have been murdered there.
Chick #2: That's not a problem, that's a bonus!

Aurora, Colorado

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Charleton Heston Was Quickly Reincarnated

Three-year-old boy (enthusiastically): When I get home, I'm going to shoot someone!
Sunday school teacher: I don't think you should do that.
Three-year-old boy: With a squirt gun!
Sunday school teacher: Oh, good.
Three-year-old boy: And a machine gun!

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: wayzata

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Vertical Bars Are So Slimming

20-something goth/thug girl: Remember the time I went to jail? I didn't want to leave!

Denny's
San Antonio, Texas

Overheard by: I didn't want to be at dennys

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Lucy and Ethel Have a Serious Falling-out

Well dressed woman on cell: No, no, no. That's the problem, I can't just shoot her because she is on my property. She has to be like breaking into the house or something... We'll have to find another way.

Maket East Train Station
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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And This Time Don't Roll on Me Just Because They Offer You Cookies and Juice

Little boy: You used to have a pocket knife, mommy!
Mother, laughing nervously: No, I didn't!
Little boy: Yes you did! You used to!
Nervous mother: No, I never did! I never had a pocket knife! Please don't tell the police that!

YMCA
Hollywood, California

Overheard by: Muffin

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I'm Considering Reaching Out to Her With a Fifty Caliber Rifle

Man #1: How's your wife?
Man #2: How should I know?
Man #1: What do you mean: "How should I know?"? She's your wife! Don't you talk to her?
Man #2: Not since she got the restraining order on me.

Huxley, Iowa

Overheard by: Hondo

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Is That How the Peter Rabbit Story Is Supposed to End?

Surprised biker: And once he was released from custody, he never ate rice again.

Outside Burger Joint
Glendale, California

Overheard by: Brady

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The Way I'm Stealing Your Bra

Student: So if I, like, read something in the library and I memorize it, am I, like, stealing it with my mind?
Instructor: Yes. You can steal things with your mind.

Copy Editing Class
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia

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Are Public Rammings Unusual in San Francisco?

Cop on radio: We've gotten a report from race security that there is a large Viking ship being rammed repeatedly into some garbage cans in the park.

Golden Gate Park
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: geek whisperer

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Everyone's a Beautiful Woman After 12 Tequila Shots

Drunk guy on cell: Dad, I can't talk right now, I'm surrounded by FBI agents, but I've got your $100, your beer, and your marijuana. Oh, and your toilet paper. [Pause.] No, dad, FBI agents. [Pause.] I don't know, they're all beautiful women.

B Line
Boston, Massachusetts

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It's an Identity

Boy to girl: Rape is not a choice.

San Diego, California

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I'm Thinking, I'm Thinking!

Prof: Do you think that kicking a pregnant woman in the stomach was wrong?
Student: Ummmm... I'm not certain.
Prof: Do you think that what he did was a crime?
[Student pauses for nearly 30 seconds.]
Student #2: Dude, he kicked a baby.

Seton Hall Law
Newark, New Jersey

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...For Not Telling My Servants to Buy More

Student girl: Aw man, I've no food in the house. It's like I've been robbed, but it's my fault!

Sainsbury's
Lancaster
England

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You're Lucky You Were Able to Kiss All My Anger Away

Guy #1: Dude... that joke went to far.
Guy #2: You know what was going too far, David*? Breaking into my house.

Bolingbrook High School
Bolingbrook, Illinois

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

How Jessie Got Us Arrested

[Three intoxicated college girls are walking along the street. One trips, falls, and all three laugh hysterically. An unmarked police van passes by]
Cop, yelling out of the window: Looks like three underage drinking tickets right there!
Girl #1: We're all 21!
Cop: Well, it looks like you're 4!
Girl #2: Looks like you're 37 and looking for a boyfriend!

Madison, Wisconsin

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Good Point --No Effect on Religious Beliefs

Professor: Now, if we did eliminate illness and achieved immortality there might be serious religious repercussions. Can anyone think of how this might affect religious beliefs?
Bimbette: Well, like, if Hitler were immortal, he would, like, go to jail for, like, a million years and then, like, chill out for eternity, you know?

Eternal Youth and Immortality Seminar
Lafayette College, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: knows that Hitler would still be dead because he SHOT himself

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I'm Lactose Intolerant!

Professor: So if we played the word association game, and I said the word "ice cream", Tiffany might say "playground" because she used to eat ice cream on the playground. And then maybe if I said the words "ice cream" to Tom, he might say "sex" because he's a serial rapist.
Tom: But I'm not.

SUNY
Geneseo, New York

Overheard by: Colin

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This Season's Most Unlikely Love Story

Girl, looking at video games: If I had a sword that pimp, I would just kill people all day and run around.
Boy following her: Girl, if you had a sword that pimp I would stop being gay and make you stop to make love to me.
Girl, looking appalled: I'd be busy killing people, though.
Boy, matter-of-factly: Well... I'd make you stop every thirteen kills.

Random Walmart
Boise, Idaho

Overheard by: Bunnee

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Later That Night, She Was Attacked in Her Bed with Maple Syrup

Professor: So what sorts of people travel abroad and exploit children that are forced into prostitution?
Student: Canadians.
[Class remains silent and professor stares.]
Student: ...I... Was just kidding.

Las Positas College
Livermore, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Slylock Fox's Puzzle: How Many Things Are Wrong with This Conversation?

Thug sitting in traffic yelling into cell: I moved you and the goddamn kids out here! I robbed muthafuckas for you! I'm facing five to ten goddamn years for you, and I can't even get a goddamn thank you?! Bitch, you drunk?!

Highway
Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: scaredspectator

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But It Was a Planned Incarceration

Obese John Wayne wannabe: I can't believe we are not hanging out tonight.
Gap tooth hootchie: I told you I made plans with my friends a month ago!
Obese John Wayne wannabe: Well you're supposed to be hanging out with me. We never hang out anymore and we are boyfriend and girlfriend!
Gap tooth hootchie: We were supposed to hang out this past Saturday and Sunday but we didn't! You were not fucking there.
Obese John Wayne wannabe: I had a change of plans!
Gap tooth hootchie: Change of plans?! Muthafucker you were in jail!

Bus
Iowa State University, Iowa

Overheard by: Casey

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The First Time in History a Bang from Behind Has Resulted in Pregnancy

Middle-aged guy: Yeah, I've been in a couple of accidents before. One time this lady rear-ended me out of nowhere.
Middle-aged woman: Did you sue her?
Middle-aged guy: Of course I did. How do you think we paid for in-vitro?

Newark Airtrain, New Jersey

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...Full Of Heroin?

Middle-aged black woman to husband: Baby, you remember that time I shot you?

CVS
Indianapolis, Indiana

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Or Is That Necrophilia?

Social problems teacher: So what are some social problems that affect us today?
Female student: Murder?
Teacher: Yeah, that's good. [writes it on the white board.] Any others?
Male student: Narcissism?
Teacher: I don't quite understand...
Male student: Well if people are falling asleep all the time and they don't know it...

Grand Rapids Community College
Grand Rapids, Michigan

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Happy Birthday to You/ Don't Bend to Tie Your Shoe

Girl #1: Hanging out with him on his birthday was so much fun!
Girl #2: Oh, I heard about that! He went to jail, right?

Brooklyn Avenue
Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Glad they're not my friends

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

At Least Let Me Tie You to the Roof-Rack

Girl stopped at a gas station refueling: Get out of my trunk now! People are going to think that I kidnapped you!

Charlottesville, Virginia

Overheard by: A Concerned Friend

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

God, I Miss College

College girl: Remember that girl who admitted to stealing my clothes from the laundry room?
Friend: Yeah?
College girl: Well, she finally gave me my clothes back at the end of the semester before she mysteriously disappeared. I was like going through them and I found not just my clothes, but like other people's clothes too. Not just girls either. I found tighty-whities and shit. But the weirdest part was at the bottom of the basket. There was a plastic bag of jewelry ranging from like cheapo rhinestone shit to like semiprecious stones, a tv remote with no batteries, a crazy-straw, some masking tape, an empty lipstick tube thing, and a handful of Canadian money.

Newark, New Jersey

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He Works in a 7-Eleven, So He's Used to It

Marine to friend: So, it's like a long story. But basically my mom shot my boyfriend.

CostCo
VictorVille, California

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I Mean, I Am, but That's Neither Here Nor There

Black lady on cell: I said, 'Yeah, I'm black, but dat don' mean I be makin' counterfeit money!'

Food Lion
Sanford, North Carolina

Overheard by: Elizabeth

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If He Does Get Convicted, I Expect at Least a Bus Pass

Woman on cell: I know! I'm going to testify in court tomorrow for him so he doesn't go to jail for ten years. The least he can do is give me ride home!

Red line metro
Washington, DC

Overheard by: Mary

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

It's in My Sippy Cup Right Now

Second grade teacher: Okay, so if you are what you eat, what food would you be?
Student #1: Cake!
Student #2: Candy!
Student #3: Beer!
Second grade teacher: No, you can't choose that. It's illegal for you to drink beer.
Student #3: But I drink it all the time!

St. Catharine's
Ontario
Canadia

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... Along with One of His Feet

Mother at market stall: But he's only got one good pair of shoes, and the police have taken them as evidence...

Guildford
Surrey
UK

Overheard by: Ike

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Guppy-Smuggling Is a Lost Art

Professor: You take some guppies from different populations in Trinidad, put them into little plastic bags, shove them down your pants, and smuggle them through the airport back to the lab in California. At least, that?s what we did.

Shout-out: www.overheardatumbc.com

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Weapons of Mass Digestion

Paranoid blonde: He's just so quiet and creepy. I really feel like he could kill someone!
Annoyed brunette: Because he's quiet and creepy?
Paranoid blonde: Well, he, like, steals forks from the dining hall and stuff!

University of Maryland, College Park
Maryland

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It Says Here the Mule Consented?

Cop: You know there's a warrant out for your arrest, right?
Guy with arm in cast: Oh, really?
Cop: Yeah... So we should probably have a chat about that.

Town Court
Duanesburg, New York

Overheard by: 91 in a 65

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Went for the Preschool Pu-Pu Platter

Professor: Did those cops find you the other day? They were waiting outside the classroom.
Student: I know. You're not kidding.
Professor: No, I'm not.
Student: Yeah, I kidnapped the kids over Christmas.
Professor: Good for you.

Arkansas State University
Arkansas

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When Was the Last Time You Got 20 Years for Jaywalking?

Guy: Statutory rape is the jaywalking of sex crimes!

Interbay Golf
Seattle, Washington

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I Can't Believe You Missed Last Night's 24!

Loud guy on cell: Where you at? Did you make the stop? He went to jail yesterday? What? What time did you get locked up? Damn!

McDonald's, Illinois Center
Chicago, Illinois

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It's Just Like Daddy's!

Five-year-old boy holding red dress: Mommy! Mommy, look! I stealed this for you!

Macy's
Stanford, California

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I'm Gonna Cuff You Now, 'Kay?

Security guard to girls who set off alarms: It's okay. Sometimes I steal things, too.

Boston, Massachusetts

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How the British Contend with Murderers

Reporter guy: If he is guilty, take his chandeliers.

Shout-out: community.livejournal.com

Overheard by:

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There's a Lot of Smoke around Me, but No Fire

Thug filling out employment application: Hey, when you say, 'Have you ever been convicted of a felony?' do you mean found guilty, or just sort of accused and arrested?

Wendy's
Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: maybe he shouldn't use the plastic silverware...

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Sorry, Jethro. No Sheep Allowed in the Building

Dude: I have the best idea for a party -- dress as your favorite crime!

Shout-out: overheardatbrown.blogspot.com

Overheard by: A white collar criminal

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Don't Want to Have to Run You in for Theft, Too

Cop: It better be your own shit you are throwing this time, Martha.

Citadel Theatre
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia

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Real World Cast Members Have No Goddamn Respect

Crazy lady: Oh, no! Those teenagers did not just steal my outhouse!

Denver, Colorado

Overheard by: Aristide

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?