Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | Topics

Who's Thinking Of the Baby Ruth Scene from Caddyshack?

Aikido student: Um, Sensei, I think there's spit on the mat...
Sensei: There's sweat on the mat?
Aikido Student: No, spit.
Sensei: Oh, spit! That's gross!

Humboldt State University
Arcata, California

Overheard by: Eli

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We Won't Talk About Liam Ever Again, Okay?

Five-year-old girl: I think we got almost all of the blood out, mommy. You know, Liam's blood? We got almost all of it out of the sheets. That was a lot of blood.
Mom: Yes we did, honey.

Rest Stop,Turnpike South
New Jersey

Overheard by: TM

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Also a Major Problem at Chimpanzee Schools

Teacher to girl picking lint off her boobs: Pay attention, please.
Girl: I can't! I'm cleaning!

Potomac, Maryland

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You're Too Kind, Madame

Little girl, in Arabic, as she sits in the train: Smells like cotton candy!
Mother, in French: Yeah, you're right, it smells like cotton candy. (to grandmother) Don't you think it smells like cotton candy?
Young black woman, sitting in the next row, smiling: It's me. It's my perfume.
Mother: Really?! What is it?
Young black woman: Vanilla and cotton candy.
Mother: Really? My girl told me it smells like the amusement park. At first I thought it was the cleaning product they used to wash the train floor. (pause) It smells really good.

C Train
Paris
France

Overheard by: BBM Tm

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...In the Immortal Words Of Jack Kerouac

Old lady: I have a roof over me and clothes on my back, but I can't wash my box...

Lowell, Massachusetts

Overheard by: glad I wasn't sitting next to her

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And the Liquid Soap Was to Die for

Redneck man with mullet coming out of bathroom: Well, son, that was some mighty fine hand dryer, wudn't it?
Son,excitedly: Yeah, pops, sure was!

Shepherdsville, Kentucky

Overheard by: Chelsea

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It's a Tale As Old As Time...

Father to teen daughter: We've got the rubber suits, but we're out of talcum powder!

Concord, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Emma W.

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You'll Never Find Love With Food in Your Teeth

Hobo: Do you know what the world needs more of?
Coffee employee: Love?
Hobo: Nope, toothpicks... but love was a good guess.

Sacramento, California

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We Can't Do the Mental Gymnastics Necessary for This One

Woman #1: If I were obsessive compulsive like Monk, I'd pick a cleaner city than San Francisco to live in.
Woman #2: That's why they film it in Canada.

San Francisco, California

Overheard by: Eric

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And I'm Sure He Was Using That Rope As a Clothesline

Psychologist #1: He said he was going to do his laundry, which is a really good sign.
Psychologist #2: Yeah, you can't want to commit suicide and want clean clothes.

Manhattan, New York

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Unlike Vicks Vap-o-Rub. (Don't Ask.)

Guy, about hand sanitizer: You know that germ stuff? Well, I put it on my hands, then I put it on my butt cheeks, and it stung my butt cheeks!

Monterey, California

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Why Yeast Infections Exist: A Short Story.

Girl #1: Do you think I could wash my clothes with fabric softener? I don't have any detergent.
Girl #2: That should probably work.
(30 minutes later)
Girl #2: So, did it work?
Girl #1: Yeah... I think... they don't smell anymore, at least. Good enough, right?

Laundry Room, University of Alabama
Birmingham, Alabama

Overheard by: I don't think it is

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The Real Story Behind "The Rachel"

Party guy: Hey, you cut your hair.
Party girl: I had to.
Party guy: Why?
Party girl: Well, you threw up on it!
Party guy: Who cares if I threw up on it?
Party girl: I do!
Party guy: Oh. (walks off)

Austin, Texas

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At Least I'll Make Some Money Off the Video

Girl on phone: So I walked in on my flatmate using my electric toothbrush to... yeah, doing that. And here I am, still brushing my teeth with it. That is just disgusting. Disgusting!

Cape Town
South Africa

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The Two Major Facets Of Life at the Playboy Mansion

Pissed-off teen: You can't get a bowl of salad but you can wash the dog naked?

Harrison, Michigan

Overheard by: Lauren

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Many People Feel That Way About Courtney Love

40-something female suit to friends: I just wanted to cover her in Lysol!

San Jose, California

Overheard by: Wondering what the rest of the conversation was...

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I Am So Not Interested in Your Personal Hygiene

Teenage girl: I want to stop keeping it in my pants.
Effeminate teenage guy: No! Keep the stuff in your pants... in your pants!
Teenage girl: Yeah, it needs washing anyways.

Toronto
Canadia

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Oh, Leave Ethan Hawke Alone.

Guy to another: Why's he bother to wash his clothes, anyway, if he smells that bad and doesn't bother to bathe?

Laundromat
Catskill, New York

Overheard by: Amie

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When Living Bras Die

Trendy girl on cell: It was stuck to my boob this morning. I had to go clean it off... it was all bloody and gross. (pause) Right on my boob. I know... Eew!

University of Phoenix, Arizona

Overheard by: Sarah Neill

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Guess Which One Grew Up with Maids

Girl #1: So, yeah, I was just going to set the hoover to suck, and use that.
Girl #2: Do hoovers suck?

Oxford
England

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But When We Say That About Canadians, We Get Angry Letters

Girl #1: Hey, you smell great!
Girl #2: Really?
Girl #1: Yeah, you smell like that nice soap.
Girl #2: I don't use soap.

Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: Justin

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And Where're All the Lines? I Demand Lines!

High maintenance chick #1: You know, the French quarter at Disney is so much better than this.
High maintenance chick #2: Yeah, right, huh? This place is so dirty!

French Quarter
New Orleans, Louisiana

Overheard by: yeah, that big storm and all...

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Portrait Of the Scat Fetishist As a Young Man

Little boy, gleefully wiping chocolate on his father's white pants: I'm wiping your butt! Haha! I'm wiping your butt!

Ann Arbor, Michigan

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Besides, Greed Stains.

Woman #1 in central Taipei: When she went to the us, she took along several boxes of detergent, because she doesn't like the smell of American detergent.
Woman #2: Yeah, I wouldn't want to smell like an American either.

Shout-out: talovich.blogspot.com

Overheard by: Yugan

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Your Editors' Verdict: Shower Yes, Loofah No

20-something chick on cell: Hello? Seriously? It smelled like your balls last time you used it! (pause) Okay, I guess, make sure you rinse out that motherfucker! You too, bye.
Friend: What was that about?
20-something chick: My boyfriend wants to use my shower, and my loofah.
Friend: Oh.

San Antonio, Texas

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That's Why Raccoons Wash Their Food First

Guy: When I went down on him, I realized he didn't shower.
Friend: Gross.
Guy: Yeah, I wasn't even gagging because of his dick, but because of his foul stench.

UC
Berkeley, California

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Mr. Bradshaw Sometimes Needs Help with the Basics

Loud guy on cell: Terry! Terry! Listen to me! Use that shampoo! And the conditioner! Get your hair the same way it was last week! (pause) Okay, see you there. Bye.

Oxford Street
London
England

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By the Time It Was Over, I'd Broken All Ten Commandments

Blonde 20-something to sister: This morning I was rinsing my mouth with mouthwash and also peeing, and then I realized I had to sneeze and I was like, "uh oh...this can only end poorly" ...because I was kind of stuck.

Bellingham, Washington

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The New Oxyclean Commercials Aren't for Everyone

Young man on cell: So there's someone cleaning their floor with the blood of one of their relatives, and it's like...a bit much, you know?

Bus, Denmark Hill
London
England

Overheard by: trying not to turn around

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Nag, Nag, Nag. Jesus.

Girl to roommate guy: You should really clean the blood out of your clown shoes.

Colby-Sawyer College Dorm
New London, New Hampshire

Overheard by: Jess

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I Can Only Tolerate the Illusion Of Clean

Semi-drunk girl in pub crawl attire: I hate Windex, but I fuckin' love Febreze!

Toronto
Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: History Major

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The Hoboes Were Immaculate

Guy walking out of a narrow alley: That was the cleanest dark alley I've ever been in.

Montclair, New Jersey

Overheard by: Maggie

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It's Been the Top Story on CNN All Week

White trash man to white trash woman: So did you hear the news?
White trash woman: No, what?
White trash man (sighing despairingly): Aggie broke her corn-broom.
White trash woman, looking stricken: Oh, no!

Giant Tiger Store
Napanee, Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: Rockbot

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There Was a Flier in There from a Jimmy Carter Rally

Woman, putting bag on table for security: Ugh, it's really messy, I really need to clean it...I'm sorry.
Security: Ma'am, we're not grading them. (finishes looking through bag) But if we were, I'd give it a c minus.

Hillary Clinton Rally
Honolulu, Hawaii

Overheard by: Kendal

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Read and Heed, Gentlemen

Girl #1: He fucking made my bed this morning! It was cute!
Girl #2: Aawwwww. I love when they do that. If you're gonna mess around in my bed, you gotta make it. It's kinda my rule: if you're gonna cum on me, you better wash it off too.

Washington, DC

Overheard by: Meg

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For People's Pet Rocks.

Passerby to friend (excitedly): We should so sell bottled dirt!

KSU
Manhattan, Kansas

Overheard by: Nicole

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Where Weather Girls Come from

(after the rain)
Sorostitute #1, just arriving at her car: Oh my god, someone totally washed my car!
Sorostitute #2: No way! Who do you think it was?
Sorostitute #1: I don't know, but that is so awesome.

Parking Lot, Cal Poly Dorm
San Luis Obispo, California

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Maintenance: "When You Put an End to Nude Chair-Hockey, Then We'll Talk"

Worried suit: That's why we get our chairs cleaned more than any other department. We get our chairs cleaned every three months. Why doesn't anyone put a stop to this?

Metro Bus
Seattle, Washington

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The San Francisco Equivalent of a Nice Dinner and Jewelry

Angry suit on cell: I cleaned out my ass for you, bitch!

On the Street
San Francisco, California

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Dear Martha Stewart...

Frustrated waitress: There's not enough Scotchguard in the world to help those sex cushions!

Rudyard's
Houston, Texas

Overheard by: Hales

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We Thought Only Americans Knew This Little About Sex Ed.

[Line for ladies' room]
Girl #1: Hi, do you mind if I cut in front of you? It's urgent.
Girl #2: Sure.
Girl #1: Thanks, I have to change my tampon.
Girl #2: [Blank stare.]
Girl #1: I have to make sure I change it often. Not too often, because once I changed it too much and got chlamydia.
Girl #2: Oh...[Suppresses laugh.]

Western Australia
Australia

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Thanks Sweetie, But That Was the Bedpost

Overexposed springbreaker: Well, since it was a communal dildo, I thought I would be considerate and clean it off.

Tallahassee, Florida

Overheard by: Ew!

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When I Think about You, I Smell Myself

Dirty hippy skater dude: Oh man! I can smell myself.
Dirty hippy skater girl: I love it when I can smell myself!

Golden Gate Park
San Francisco, California

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Since My Lime Green Mumu Failed to Get Their Attention

Flea market lady: I don't see the big deal about sanitation these days.
Older flea market lady: I know. The other day at work I dropped a cookie on the floor, then picked it up and ate it. You know, just to see what people would do.

Flea Market
Burley Park, Michigan

Overheard by: Amanda

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Even We Winced at This One

Man #1: So she looks up at me with this, look, right? And she grips my dick real hard and then gets this terrified look as she picks it off on my pubes...
Man #2: Oh, dude, I'm gonna vomit.
Man #1: It was a fucking dingleberry. And it wasn't mine, dude.

Gym
Oregon

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...You're My Mom and I'll Always Love You.

Guy talking too loudly on cell phone: Honestly, if you took a dump and smeared it all over my chest, you know, in my face and all that, I?d be fine. Actually I might not, thats pretty extreme, but you know...

Shout-out: www.overheardatumbc.com

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From the New FBI Thriller Silence Of the Shams

Girl #1: You can't just not smell his pillow.
Girl #2: I know, right? Just smell as hard as you can!

Macalester College
St Paul, Minnesota

Overheard by: isa

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Why "How Are You?" Can Be a Dangerous Question

Dude: I've been soiling myself for four days playing Guitar Hero.

Drake University
Des Moines, Iowa

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Do You Think I Would Fail His Class?

Asian hipster: People stare at him, and he resents them for staring at him. But I'm like, 'Maybe you should bathe!'
Jewish hipster: You should give him an elephant tranquilizer or something.

Shout-out: overheardinthevalley.blogspot.com

Overheard by: Glowien

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Toes? What Are You, Gay?

Guy #1: You gotta clean yo' fingernails up!
Guy #2: Mmm-hm.
Guy #1: You stop smokin' crack, you clean yo' toes up nice, too!

Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com

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What's the Point, If We Can't Break Stuff?

Four-year-old ballerina #1: I need to ask my mom.
Four-year-old ballerina #2: That's good, because my house is crap.
Pre-ballerina: Well, it's not crap -- we just have a lot of crap in it.
Four-year-old ballerina #1: Can I come over to your place and play?

Dance studio
Maryland

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And It's Scalding -- That Can't Be a Good Sign

Big black lady spilling drink on herself: Oops, I done baptized myself.

Atlanta, Georgia

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But the Guy Who Went As a Hedgehog Had It Even Worse

Party host: Man, it took me three weeks to clean the gorilla suit after the wedding...

Ann Arbor, Michigan

Overheard by: Paul

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Just Use the Other End

Drunk hetero: You're gay, he's gay, so what's the problem?
Drunk queer: He just threw up all over himself.
Drunk hetero: You take what you can get.

The White Front Bar
Philipsburg, Montana

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Like a Rest Stop on the Jersey Turnpike

Excited girl exiting bathroom: That toilet smells like America!

The Angel Restaurant
London
England

Overheard by: Nics

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Mission: Impossible III Is Quite a Disappointment

Man: That was the most secure Mexican bathroom I've ever seen.

San Francisco, California

Overheard by: didn't bother to find out

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