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Hands All Categories > Topics > Body parts > Hands
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Or I Did Until I Realized How Many Doors It Opens
Girl: I hate those girls that are like, "Oh, look at me, I can dance with my hand in my hair!"
Saint Joseph's University
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
"Amicable Separation:" Defined
Woman to others: And every time she sees him, she shakes her fist at him, like this! (shakes fist in the air)
Harris Teeter
Charlotte, North Carolina
Categories: Crazies | Feelings | Hands | North Carolina | Relationships | Threats | Posted 2010-11-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
My Mistake Was Shaking His Hand
20-something to friend: I can't believe you asked if he was the handjob guy!
Norman, Oklahoma
Sacred Heart Boasts the Naughtiest Librarians in the Land
Librarian: Hello, Justin. I'd shake hands with you but my hands are very sticky.
Sacred Heart University
Fairfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: Jesse
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Connecticut | Employees | Hands | Weirdness | Posted 2010-05-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...So Everyone Got That Wrong on the Quiz.
Professor: To shake hands you have to make sure the wedge of your hand fits in the other person's wedge, and that your skin touches, and then give it a good two or three pumps.
London
Ontario
Canadia
But Not As Good As the Cucumber, or the Remote Control
Doctor: Okay, we're going to give you an iron shot.
Nurse: Roll over on your side. Okay, you're just going to feel a little prick in your butt.
Patient: Better than the finger that was up there earlier!
ER
Newport Beach, California
Categories: Ass | California | Compare and contrast | Creepsters | Doctor's office | Doctors | Hands | Nurses | Sensory experiences | Sex | Posted 2010-03-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
So It's Like...a Gay Bar?
Guy, after burning left hand: But this is my special hand...
Friend: Why can't you just use your right hand for a while?
Guy: It's like being jerked off by a stranger.
Friend: What?
Guy: Imagine a stranger comes up to you and starts talking to you, and suddenly just starts jerking you off. (pause) Yeah. That's how it feels like.
Bayonne, New Jersey
Categories: Compare and contrast | Guys | Hands | Masturbation | New Jersey | Posted 2010-02-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It Really Doesn't Age Well
Guy to another: Don't shake my hand, dude, it's still got pussy on it!
Men's Bathroom
Bar, Alabama
Overheard by: So glad I don't live here anymore
Now I Smell Like Paris Hilton!
Girlfriend to boyfriend, after emerging from bathroom: Hahaha! I peed on my hands!
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: that's disgusting. Really.
Categories: Couples | Hands | Overheard in Minneapolis | Pee | Restroom | Posted 2010-01-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
In Unrelated News, Want Some Homemade Cookies?
Manager of restaurant to guy leaving restroom: I know we don't have paper towels in there. I am getting some right now.
Guy: It's okay. I never wash my hands anyway.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: that guy's girlfriend
Categories: Bosses | Guys | Hands | Health & Hygiene | Overheard in Minneapolis | Restaurants | Restroom | Posted 2010-01-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Tha'ts My New Profile Photo!
Girl to friend: Stop! Theirs a picture of his finger in my vagina.
Uninc Loudoun County, Virginia
Unlike Vicks Vap-o-Rub. (Don't Ask.)
Guy, about hand sanitizer: You know that germ stuff? Well, I put it on my hands, then I put it on my butt cheeks, and it stung my butt cheeks!
Monterey, California
Categories: Ass | California | Cleanliness | Guys | Hands | Posted 2009-12-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Which, As We Both Know, Is More Than We Can Say for Dad.
Little girl to mom: But I am getting real good! Yesterday I didn't get any poop on my hand!
Public Restroom
Iceland
Tonight, on The Little Girls Next Door...
Little boy walking with two little girls: I think we should all hold hands. I think that I should be in the middle so you can both hold my hand.
Keene, New Hampshire
Categories: Hands | Kids | Kids | New Hampshire | Offers and requests | Posted 2009-11-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We All Love the No-Hands Rule, Sir
Soccer coach: I love Fiji water.
Assistant: It's silky smooth.
Soccer coach: It's never been touched by human hands until it touches my lips.
Texas
And I Lied and Said, "No."
Fireman: And then he asked me if I'd ever covered my hand with a plastic bread bag, and then squished my shit around in the toilet... just to see what it feels like.
Maine
Get Thee to a Nunnery!
Strange man to lightly-dressed girls sitting on bench: Thank you! Have a good night!
(leaves)
Girl to friend: Oh my god. He licked your hand. Ohmigod! He. Licked. Your. Hand!
Montreal
Quebec
Canadia
Overheard by: And it tasted like humus.
...Mister "I Cut Myself with Safety Scissors"
Son to father, exiting hospital: Dad, what's a disability?
Father: It's like when someone loses their finger in an accident, (pause) which will probably happen to you.
Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com
Overheard by: Jon
Categories: Dads | Eavesdrop DC | Hands | Health & Hygiene | Kids | Kids | Parenting | Weirdness | Words | Posted 2009-10-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Well, It Was Just Rain.
Preppy girl #1: So I had it all over me, it was on my hands and my face...
Preppy girl #2: Oh my god! Did you throw up?
San Luis Obispo, California
Categories: Body parts | California | Cum | Hands | Health & Hygiene | Preppies | Questions | Sensory experiences | Weirdness | Posted 2009-09-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Best. Peer Advisor. Ever.
Curious friend: Doesn't your mouth get tired?
Small Asian girl: That's what my hands are for!
Curious friend: Don't your arms get tired?!
Small Asian girl: That's what my mouth is for!
Curious friend: What do you do when both get tired?
Small Asian girl: Oh, that's when he puts it in my butt.
Hoboken, New Jersey
The Best Part Of Our Lives Happens Between Our Ears
Teenage girl, talking about singer at concert: It was like Star Wars, except we weren't fighting with lightsabers and my hand didn't get cut off. Oh, and he was onstage and couldn't see me.
Rumson, New Jersey
Categories: Compare and contrast | Hands | Movies | Music | New Jersey | Stupidity | Teens | Violence | Posted 2009-09-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Oh, Now You're a Doctor?
Freshman boy: I think I have gingivitis.
Friend: You can't get gingivitis on your hand!
High School
Amherst, Massachusetts
Overheard by: shiny
Categories: Friends | Hands | Maladies | Massachusetts | Students | Posted 2009-09-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Speaking Of Things That Need to Stay in Vegas
Guy, telling everyone about a massage: You know how grandma's hands are real soft?
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Craig
Categories: Family ties | Guys | Hands | Masturbation | Nevada | Questions | Sensory experiences | Posted 2009-09-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
No Licking Above the Waist!
Girlfriend: Hold my hand, Eric. Please.
Boyfriend, yelling: No! Just stop it, okay?
Girlfriend: Come on. Just hold my hand.
Boyfriend: No! I'm not doing that again.
Girlfriend, laughing: Aw, why not?
Boyfriend: Because last time you licked my face!
Lawrenceville, New Jersey
Overheard by: Jake
Categories: Body parts | Couples | Hands | New Jersey | Offers and requests | Weirdness | Posted 2009-08-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Best Boss I've Ever Had!
Girl: So Jack sucked my thumb today.
Friends: Really?
Girl: Yeah, he sucked my thumb, then wiped his snot on my arm, licked my leg, and told me he wanted to go to the office.
Simsbury, Connecticut
Overheard by: rehreh88
Categories: Body parts | Connecticut | Friends | Girls | Hands | Health & Hygiene | Licking | Weirdness | Posted 2009-08-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Dude, I Don't Think the Powerpuff Girls Have Any Fingers
Guy #1: If you told her you like sublime you could probably toss it in.
Guy #2: Yeah, I'd let her slob the knob just to see the four finger, cartoon hand grab.
Shout-out: overheardatlc.blogspot.com
Overheard by: tlc
Categories: Guys | Hands | Overheard at Loyola | Weirdness | Posted 2009-08-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Would Be Cute Except That the Bus Is Empty
Bus driver: Push back, push back! Don't be afraid! Hold somebody's hand, tell 'em you love 'em!
57 Bus
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Smallison
Categories: Bus | Bus drivers | Feelings | Hands | Massachusetts | Public Transportation | Posted 2009-08-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Well, I'm Sorry I Made You Kiss Her Feet...
New Yorker, on cell to fiancée: Honey, all set here for our wedding, when you coming over? I got both of our rings, in nine-carat gold! (appalled silence in carriage) Yeah, your finger's gonna go green and fall off or something? What the hell's wrong with nine-carat gold? Hey! Of course I love you more than I love my mom! Come on! What is this about?
Train
Dublin
Ireland
Categories: Compare and contrast | Couples | Feelings | Foreigners | Hands | Health & Hygiene | Ireland | Money | On the phone | Questions | Relationships | Train | Posted 2009-08-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
She Has Sex In Very Unusual Places
Crazy drunk lady, whispering: I think I got asbestos on my hands. (in louder voice) Or maybe it's sperm! Heeheeheeheeheehee!
Toronto
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: EdgingAwayFromHer
Your Editors Badly Want to Hear the Joke for Which This Is the Punchline
Woman to another: And I said to him, "well, if I had oily hands, I wouldn't come into your office and wipe them on your underpants!"
Portsmouth
England
He's Been Known to Pleasure Several Girls en Brochette
Girl #1: His penis was huge, like 12 inches! He was holding it and his hand looked so tiny!
Girl #2: No wonder he doesn't get any play, that shit hurts!
Girl #3: Yeah, it would like come out my ass!
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Just 2
Categories: Ass | Compare and contrast | Girls | Hands | Penis | Pennsylvania | Sex | Posted 2009-07-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ooo, or Hand Puppets!
Gay man, pensively: I bet vaginas make excellent hand-warmers.
Disneyland
Anaheim, California
Which Only Comes Into Play After Three or More Margaritas
Bartender: The answer was "The North Sea." We did not accept "Nordic" or "Norse."
Guy: But my hand has a lisp!
Shout-out: www.overheardatumbc.com
Categories: Bartenders | Guys | Hands | Maladies | Overheard at UMBC | Words | Posted 2009-06-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Trevor Had Watched One Lifetime Movie Marathon Too Many
Thug #1, in restroom stall: Oh, shit!
Thug #2, outside restroom: What's goin' on?
Thug #1: Why's it bleeding? It's bleeding! Why's it bleeding?!
Thug #2: Yo, you better wash your goddamn hands after you done in there.
Crossgates Mall
Albany, New York
Overheard by: Dack
...Penis.
Professor: I can assume people don't walk on their hands, but some people might do it to fool me, because I have a robot.
George Mason University
Fairfax County, Virginia
Overheard by: NoRobot
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Hands | Teachers | Technology | Virginia | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Excellent Reverse Psychology, Mom
White trash mother, hurrying five-year-old out of bathroom: C'mon, let's go!
Five-year-old: But I want to wash my hands!
White trash mother: (sighs) Fine, but make it quick.
Five-year-old: Yay!
Lamberts Cafe
Sikeston, Missouri
Overheard by: Grossed Out
History's an Unbroken Chain Of Pushing, Wrestling and Girl-Chasing
Four-year-old girl, showing off scrape on arm: I got that on the playground today when Joey pushed me and I fell!
Mom: Joey should keep his hands to himself. Does your teacher tell him that?
Four-year-old girl, like mom is stupid: Moooooom, he's a boy and that's what boys do! They like to push and wrestle and chase girls!
Mom: Um, that may be true, but it still doesn't make it right.
In Line at Starbucks
Bethesda, Maryland
Categories: Default | Gender issues | Girls | Hands | Kids | Kids | Maryland | Moms | Restaurants | Posted 2009-03-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's Total Crap, But the Wine Selection's Incredible
Woman #1: It's raining, didn't you pray for no rain this morning in church?
Woman #2: No, we just shook hands and congratulated ourselves on our own self-righteousness.
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Amy
Rather Than Someone Else's
Guy at the end of the very long line to men's room: Man, it's like the line to Space Mountain. Except when you get to the end you have your dick in your hand.
Festival of Ales
Worcester, Massachusetts
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Guys | Hands | Massachusetts | Penis | Posted 2009-01-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
To Be Fair, No One's First Job Interview Goes Well
Man in bathroom on cell: Hang on a sec, I am going someplace quieter. (a few seconds later) Damn, hang on. I just peed on my hand.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: did they know you were in the bathroom? Ewww.
Categories: Default | Guys | Hands | Health & Hygiene | Overheard in Minneapolis | Pee | Weirdness | Posted 2009-01-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Searching for the Mitten He'd Lost
Mom to teenage daughter: Yeah, they swell up big, you shoulda seen it, looked like I had a pussy on my hand.
Courtroom
Houston, Texas
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Hands | Health & Hygiene | Moms | Teens | Texas | Vagina | Posted 2008-12-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ooo-- Actually, I Forgot I Had These Nunchucks
Policeman opening doors of Social Security office: Before I let you in, does anyone have any weapons?
Tiny old lady jumping the queue: Just my fist!
Wilkesboro, North Carolina
Overheard by: Jen
Strangely Less Inappropriate
Bro #1: You were about to make fun of a girl who was missing a hand!
Bro #2 (defensively): An arm!
Rogue Valley Mall
Medford, Oregon
Don't Bite The Hand That... Never Mind
College girl to friends eating waffle fries: Yeah, and she had the "smelly hand syndrome." It was really serious. And smelly.
UCF Campus
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Jen
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Florida | Girls | Hands | Maladies | Sensory experiences | Posted 2008-08-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Always a Viable Default Assumption
Woman: Why does it smell like something's burning? Maybe it's my flesh...(sniffs hand) Nope!
Benicia, California
Overheard by: Liz
Categories: Body parts | California | Default | Hands | Questions | Sensory experiences | Stupidity | Women | Posted 2008-08-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Now I Go to the Nursing Home and Do That to Grandma
Mom passing rows of whole fish: When I was a little girl, I used to poke their raw eyeballs with my finger!
Little boy: Wow!
Pike Market
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: wow indeed
Categories: Animals | Body parts | Default | Hands | Kids | Memory lane | Moms | Tourist attractions | Washington | Weirdness | Posted 2008-07-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Told Them They Were "Perky" the Other Day, and They Sobbed and Called Me Cruel
(two guys peeing next to each other at the urinals)
Pretty boy #1: I think I have sensitive wrists.
Pretty boy #2: You have sensitive nipples!
Bowling Alley Bathroom
Dayton, Ohio
Overheard by: Liz
"You're the Meanest Babysitter Ever!" She Screamed
Suit on cell: Yeah, well, we got into a fight about whether she would rather have a regenerating salami foot, or a regenerating cheese hand. She chose cheese hand, but I explained about the salami foot being protected by socks, while the cheese hand is exposed to everything. The conversation just went downhill from there...
Bellevue, Washington
Categories: Body parts | Compare and contrast | Food | Hands | On the phone | Relationships | Sensory experiences | Suits | Washington | Posted 2008-05-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Toni Morrison Doesn't Let Anybody Touch the Books at Her Readings
Man walking down the street: All I did was stick my hand in her jacket and the show was over!
Madison and Canal
Chicago, Illinois
But It's a Miracle Diet
Chick: I was just in the bathroom trying to throw up, and I just can't do it! I just gag. A penis can make me throw up, but my own two fingers cant... I hate giving blowjobs.
Montclair State University
Montclair, New Jersey
Overheard by: BTON
Categories: Bimbettes | Colleges & Universities | Gripes | Hands | Health & Hygiene | New Jersey | Penis | Posted 2007-08-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Lie Back on Your Hands and Hold Still!
Girl on cell: He had stubby fingers. Little stubby butcher's fingers. You wouldn't want to feel those caressing your body... He was a good lay, though.
Shout-out: www.overheardatmcgill.com
Categories: Hands | On the phone | Overheard at McGill | Posted 2007-07-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Dude Rule #1: Caught in a Lie? Tell a Bigger One
Chick: Are you sure you're a photographer? Your hands are so soft!
Dude: That's not my photography hand.
Taber's Restaurant
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Flying Pig
Categories: Compliments | Creepsters | Gossip | Hands | Maryland | Posted 2007-05-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
