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Or I Did Until I Realized How Many Doors It Opens

Girl: I hate those girls that are like, "Oh, look at me, I can dance with my hand in my hair!"

Saint Joseph's University
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania


Categories: Dancing | Feelings | Girls | Hair | Hands | Pennsylvania | Posted 2011-06-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

"Amicable Separation:" Defined

Woman to others: And every time she sees him, she shakes her fist at him, like this! (shakes fist in the air)

Harris Teeter
Charlotte, North Carolina


Categories: Crazies | Feelings | Hands | North Carolina | Relationships | Threats | Posted 2010-11-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

My Mistake Was Shaking His Hand

20-something to friend: I can't believe you asked if he was the handjob guy!

Norman, Oklahoma


Categories: Foreplay | Friends | Hands | Oklahoma | Questions | Posted 2010-11-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Sacred Heart Boasts the Naughtiest Librarians in the Land

Librarian: Hello, Justin. I'd shake hands with you but my hands are very sticky.

Sacred Heart University
Fairfield, Connecticut


Overheard by: Jesse


Categories: Colleges & Universities | Connecticut | Employees | Hands | Weirdness | Posted 2010-05-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...So Everyone Got That Wrong on the Quiz.

Professor: To shake hands you have to make sure the wedge of your hand fits in the other person's wedge, and that your skin touches, and then give it a good two or three pumps.

London
Ontario
Canadia


Categories: Canadia | Education | Hands | Stupidity | Teachers | Posted 2010-04-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

But Not As Good As the Cucumber, or the Remote Control

Doctor: Okay, we're going to give you an iron shot.
Nurse: Roll over on your side. Okay, you're just going to feel a little prick in your butt.
Patient: Better than the finger that was up there earlier!

ER
Newport Beach, California

So It's Like...a Gay Bar?

Guy, after burning left hand: But this is my special hand...
Friend: Why can't you just use your right hand for a while?
Guy: It's like being jerked off by a stranger.
Friend: What?
Guy: Imagine a stranger comes up to you and starts talking to you, and suddenly just starts jerking you off. (pause) Yeah. That's how it feels like.

Bayonne, New Jersey


Categories: Compare and contrast | Guys | Hands | Masturbation | New Jersey | Posted 2010-02-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

It Really Doesn't Age Well

Guy to another: Don't shake my hand, dude, it's still got pussy on it!

Men's Bathroom
Bar, Alabama


Overheard by: So glad I don't live here anymore


Categories: Alabama | Guys | Hands | Restroom | Vagina | Posted 2010-02-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Now I Smell Like Paris Hilton!

Girlfriend to boyfriend, after emerging from bathroom: Hahaha! I peed on my hands!

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: that's disgusting. Really.


Categories: Couples | Hands | Overheard in Minneapolis | Pee | Restroom | Posted 2010-01-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

In Unrelated News, Want Some Homemade Cookies?

Manager of restaurant to guy leaving restroom: I know we don't have paper towels in there. I am getting some right now.
Guy: It's okay. I never wash my hands anyway.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: that guy's girlfriend


Categories: Bosses | Guys | Hands | Health & Hygiene | Overheard in Minneapolis | Restaurants | Restroom | Posted 2010-01-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...Tha'ts My New Profile Photo!

Girl to friend: Stop! Theirs a picture of his finger in my vagina.

Uninc Loudoun County, Virginia


Categories: Friends | Girls | Hands | Sex | Vagina | Virginia | Posted 2010-01-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Unlike Vicks Vap-o-Rub. (Don't Ask.)

Guy, about hand sanitizer: You know that germ stuff? Well, I put it on my hands, then I put it on my butt cheeks, and it stung my butt cheeks!

Monterey, California


Categories: Ass | California | Cleanliness | Guys | Hands | Posted 2009-12-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Which, As We Both Know, Is More Than We Can Say for Dad.

Little girl to mom: But I am getting real good! Yesterday I didn't get any poop on my hand!

Public Restroom
Iceland


Categories: Compliments | Europe | Hands | Kids | Kids | Moms | Parenting | Poop | Restroom | Posted 2009-11-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Tonight, on The Little Girls Next Door...

Little boy walking with two little girls: I think we should all hold hands. I think that I should be in the middle so you can both hold my hand.

Keene, New Hampshire


Categories: Hands | Kids | Kids | New Hampshire | Offers and requests | Posted 2009-11-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

We All Love the No-Hands Rule, Sir

Soccer coach: I love Fiji water.
Assistant: It's silky smooth.
Soccer coach: It's never been touched by human hands until it touches my lips.

Texas


Categories: Coworkers | Food | Hands | Mouth | Texas | Posted 2009-11-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And I Lied and Said, "No."

Fireman: And then he asked me if I'd ever covered my hand with a plastic bread bag, and then squished my shit around in the toilet... just to see what it feels like.

Maine


Categories: Employees | Feelings | Hands | Maine | Poop | Sensory experiences | Weirdness | Posted 2009-10-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Get Thee to a Nunnery!

Strange man to lightly-dressed girls sitting on bench: Thank you! Have a good night!
(leaves)
Girl to friend
: Oh my god. He licked your hand. Ohmigod! He. Licked. Your. Hand!


Montreal
Quebec
Canadia


Overheard by: And it tasted like humus.


Categories: Canadia | Friends | Girls | Hands | Licking | Strangers | Weirdness | Posted 2009-10-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...Mister "I Cut Myself with Safety Scissors"

Son to father, exiting hospital: Dad, what's a disability?
Father: It's like when someone loses their finger in an accident, (pause) which will probably happen to you.

Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com

Overheard by: Jon


Categories: Dads | Eavesdrop DC | Hands | Health & Hygiene | Kids | Kids | Parenting | Weirdness | Words | Posted 2009-10-04 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Well, It Was Just Rain.

Preppy girl #1: So I had it all over me, it was on my hands and my face...
Preppy girl #2: Oh my god! Did you throw up?

San Luis Obispo, California

Best. Peer Advisor. Ever.

Curious friend: Doesn't your mouth get tired?
Small Asian girl: That's what my hands are for!
Curious friend: Don't your arms get tired?!
Small Asian girl: That's what my mouth is for!
Curious friend: What do you do when both get tired?
Small Asian girl: Oh, that's when he puts it in my butt.

Hoboken, New Jersey


Categories: Asians | Ass | BJs | Backdoor | Friends | Girls | Hands | Masturbation | Mouth | New Jersey | Questions | Weirdness | Posted 2009-09-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

The Best Part Of Our Lives Happens Between Our Ears

Teenage girl, talking about singer at concert: It was like Star Wars, except we weren't fighting with lightsabers and my hand didn't get cut off. Oh, and he was onstage and couldn't see me.

Rumson, New Jersey


Categories: Compare and contrast | Hands | Movies | Music | New Jersey | Stupidity | Teens | Violence | Posted 2009-09-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Oh, Now You're a Doctor?

Freshman boy: I think I have gingivitis.
Friend: You can't get gingivitis on your hand!

High School
Amherst, Massachusetts


Overheard by: shiny


Categories: Friends | Hands | Maladies | Massachusetts | Students | Posted 2009-09-09 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Speaking Of Things That Need to Stay in Vegas

Guy, telling everyone about a massage: You know how grandma's hands are real soft?

Las Vegas, Nevada

Overheard by: Craig


Categories: Family ties | Guys | Hands | Masturbation | Nevada | Questions | Sensory experiences | Posted 2009-09-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

No Licking Above the Waist!

Girlfriend: Hold my hand, Eric. Please.
Boyfriend, yelling: No! Just stop it, okay?
Girlfriend: Come on. Just hold my hand.
Boyfriend: No! I'm not doing that again.
Girlfriend, laughing: Aw, why not?
Boyfriend: Because last time you licked my face!

Lawrenceville, New Jersey

Overheard by: Jake


Categories: Body parts | Couples | Hands | New Jersey | Offers and requests | Weirdness | Posted 2009-08-31 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Best Boss I've Ever Had!

Girl: So Jack sucked my thumb today.
Friends: Really?
Girl: Yeah, he sucked my thumb, then wiped his snot on my arm, licked my leg, and told me he wanted to go to the office.

Simsbury, Connecticut

Overheard by: rehreh88


Categories: Body parts | Connecticut | Friends | Girls | Hands | Health & Hygiene | Licking | Weirdness | Posted 2009-08-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Dude, I Don't Think the Powerpuff Girls Have Any Fingers

Guy #1: If you told her you like sublime you could probably toss it in.
Guy #2: Yeah, I'd let her slob the knob just to see the four finger, cartoon hand grab.

Shout-out: overheardatlc.blogspot.com

Overheard by: tlc


Categories: Guys | Hands | Overheard at Loyola | Weirdness | Posted 2009-08-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Would Be Cute Except That the Bus Is Empty

Bus driver: Push back, push back! Don't be afraid! Hold somebody's hand, tell 'em you love 'em!

57 Bus
Boston, Massachusetts


Overheard by: Smallison


Categories: Bus | Bus drivers | Feelings | Hands | Massachusetts | Public Transportation | Posted 2009-08-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Well, I'm Sorry I Made You Kiss Her Feet...

New Yorker, on cell to fiancée: Honey, all set here for our wedding, when you coming over? I got both of our rings, in nine-carat gold! (appalled silence in carriage) Yeah, your finger's gonna go green and fall off or something? What the hell's wrong with nine-carat gold? Hey! Of course I love you more than I love my mom! Come on! What is this about?

Train
Dublin
Ireland

She Has Sex In Very Unusual Places

Crazy drunk lady, whispering: I think I got asbestos on my hands. (in louder voice) Or maybe it's sperm! Heeheeheeheeheehee!

Toronto
Ontario
Canadia


Overheard by: EdgingAwayFromHer


Categories: Canadia | Crazies | Cum | Drunks | Hands | Sensory experiences | Women | Posted 2009-08-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Your Editors Badly Want to Hear the Joke for Which This Is the Punchline

Woman to another: And I said to him, "well, if I had oily hands, I wouldn't come into your office and wipe them on your underpants!"

Portsmouth
England


Categories: England | Hands | Sensory experiences | Undies | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2009-07-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

He's Been Known to Pleasure Several Girls en Brochette

Girl #1: His penis was huge, like 12 inches! He was holding it and his hand looked so tiny!
Girl #2: No wonder he doesn't get any play, that shit hurts!
Girl #3: Yeah, it would like come out my ass!

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Just 2


Categories: Ass | Compare and contrast | Girls | Hands | Penis | Pennsylvania | Sex | Posted 2009-07-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Ooo, or Hand Puppets!

Gay man, pensively: I bet vaginas make excellent hand-warmers.

Disneyland
Anaheim, California


Categories: California | Hands | Queers | Sexuality | Vagina | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Which Only Comes Into Play After Three or More Margaritas

Bartender: The answer was "The North Sea." We did not accept "Nordic" or "Norse."
Guy: But my hand has a lisp!

Shout-out: www.overheardatumbc.com


Categories: Bartenders | Guys | Hands | Maladies | Overheard at UMBC | Words | Posted 2009-06-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Trevor Had Watched One Lifetime Movie Marathon Too Many

Thug #1, in restroom stall: Oh, shit!
Thug #2, outside restroom: What's goin' on?
Thug #1: Why's it bleeding? It's bleeding! Why's it bleeding?!
Thug #2: Yo, you better wash your goddamn hands after you done in there.

Crossgates Mall
Albany, New York


Overheard by: Dack


Categories: Advice | Default | Hands | Malls | New York | Questions | Thugs | Posted 2009-05-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...Penis.

Professor: I can assume people don't walk on their hands, but some people might do it to fool me, because I have a robot.

George Mason University
Fairfax County, Virginia


Overheard by: NoRobot

Excellent Reverse Psychology, Mom

White trash mother, hurrying five-year-old out of bathroom: C'mon, let's go!
Five-year-old: But I want to wash my hands!
White trash mother: (sighs) Fine, but make it quick.
Five-year-old: Yay!

Lamberts Cafe
Sikeston, Missouri


Overheard by: Grossed Out


Categories: Default | Hands | Kids | Kids | Missouri | Moms | Offers and requests | Whiteys | Women | Posted 2009-04-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

History's an Unbroken Chain Of Pushing, Wrestling and Girl-Chasing

Four-year-old girl, showing off scrape on arm: I got that on the playground today when Joey pushed me and I fell!
Mom: Joey should keep his hands to himself. Does your teacher tell him that?
Four-year-old girl, like mom is stupid: Moooooom, he's a boy and that's what boys do! They like to push and wrestle and chase girls!
Mom: Um, that may be true, but it still doesn't make it right.

In Line at Starbucks
Bethesda, Maryland


Categories: Default | Gender issues | Girls | Hands | Kids | Kids | Maryland | Moms | Restaurants | Posted 2009-03-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

It's Total Crap, But the Wine Selection's Incredible

Woman #1: It's raining, didn't you pray for no rain this morning in church?
Woman #2: No, we just shook hands and congratulated ourselves on our own self-righteousness.

Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Amy


Categories: Default | Hands | Questions | Religion | Washington | Weather | Women | Posted 2009-01-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Rather Than Someone Else's

Guy at the end of the very long line to men's room: Man, it's like the line to Space Mountain. Except when you get to the end you have your dick in your hand.

Festival of Ales
Worcester, Massachusetts


Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Guys | Hands | Massachusetts | Penis | Posted 2009-01-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

To Be Fair, No One's First Job Interview Goes Well

Man in bathroom on cell: Hang on a sec, I am going someplace quieter. (a few seconds later) Damn, hang on. I just peed on my hand.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: did they know you were in the bathroom? Ewww.


Categories: Default | Guys | Hands | Health & Hygiene | Overheard in Minneapolis | Pee | Weirdness | Posted 2009-01-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...Searching for the Mitten He'd Lost

Mom to teenage daughter: Yeah, they swell up big, you shoulda seen it, looked like I had a pussy on my hand.

Courtroom
Houston, Texas


Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Hands | Health & Hygiene | Moms | Teens | Texas | Vagina | Posted 2008-12-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Ooo-- Actually, I Forgot I Had These Nunchucks

Policeman opening doors of Social Security office: Before I let you in, does anyone have any weapons?
Tiny old lady jumping the queue: Just my fist!

Wilkesboro, North Carolina

Overheard by: Jen


Categories: Cops | Default | Hands | North Carolina | Old folks | Questions | Violence | Posted 2008-08-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Strangely Less Inappropriate

Bro #1: You were about to make fun of a girl who was missing a hand!
Bro #2 (defensively): An arm!

Rogue Valley Mall
Medford, Oregon


Categories: Assholes | Body parts | Default | Etiquette | Hands | Malls | Oregon | Siblings | Posted 2008-08-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Don't Bite The Hand That... Never Mind

College girl to friends eating waffle fries: Yeah, and she had the "smelly hand syndrome." It was really serious. And smelly.

UCF Campus
Orlando, Florida


Overheard by: Jen


Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Florida | Girls | Hands | Maladies | Sensory experiences | Posted 2008-08-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Always a Viable Default Assumption

Woman: Why does it smell like something's burning? Maybe it's my flesh...(sniffs hand) Nope!

Benicia, California

Overheard by: Liz


Categories: Body parts | California | Default | Hands | Questions | Sensory experiences | Stupidity | Women | Posted 2008-08-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Now I Go to the Nursing Home and Do That to Grandma

Mom passing rows of whole fish: When I was a little girl, I used to poke their raw eyeballs with my finger!
Little boy: Wow!

Pike Market
Seattle, Washington


Overheard by: wow indeed


Categories: Animals | Body parts | Default | Hands | Kids | Memory lane | Moms | Tourist attractions | Washington | Weirdness | Posted 2008-07-31 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Told Them They Were "Perky" the Other Day, and They Sobbed and Called Me Cruel

(two guys peeing next to each other at the urinals)
Pretty boy #1
: I think I have sensitive wrists.

Pretty boy #2: You have sensitive nipples!

Bowling Alley Bathroom
Dayton, Ohio


Overheard by: Liz


Categories: Default | Friends | Gripes | Guys | Hands | Nipples | Ohio | Restroom | Posted 2008-07-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

"You're the Meanest Babysitter Ever!" She Screamed

Suit on cell: Yeah, well, we got into a fight about whether she would rather have a regenerating salami foot, or a regenerating cheese hand. She chose cheese hand, but I explained about the salami foot being protected by socks, while the cheese hand is exposed to everything. The conversation just went downhill from there...

Bellevue, Washington

Toni Morrison Doesn't Let Anybody Touch the Books at Her Readings

Man walking down the street: All I did was stick my hand in her jacket and the show was over!

Madison and Canal
Chicago, Illinois


Categories: Clothes | Etiquette | Guys | Hands | Illinois | Sexuality | Posted 2008-04-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

But It's a Miracle Diet

Chick: I was just in the bathroom trying to throw up, and I just can't do it! I just gag. A penis can make me throw up, but my own two fingers cant... I hate giving blowjobs.

Montclair State University
Montclair, New Jersey


Overheard by: BTON


Categories: Bimbettes | Colleges & Universities | Gripes | Hands | Health & Hygiene | New Jersey | Penis | Posted 2007-08-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Lie Back on Your Hands and Hold Still!

Girl on cell: He had stubby fingers. Little stubby butcher's fingers. You wouldn't want to feel those caressing your body... He was a good lay, though.

Shout-out: www.overheardatmcgill.com


Categories: Hands | On the phone | Overheard at McGill | Posted 2007-07-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Dude Rule #1: Caught in a Lie? Tell a Bigger One

Chick: Are you sure you're a photographer? Your hands are so soft!
Dude: That's not my photography hand.

Taber's Restaurant
Baltimore, Maryland


Overheard by: Flying Pig


Categories: Compliments | Creepsters | Gossip | Hands | Maryland | Posted 2007-05-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook