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As Recorded in My Memoirs: What What (The Unibutt!)
Skater guy: I'm not into the unibutt.
Friend: The what?
Skater guy: You know, it's like a unibrow, except a butt.
Friend: What are you talking about?
Skater guy: I am just giving my commentary on how style has affected my life.
Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com
Overheard by:
Now I'm Working on a Novel About Them
Suit on the Taipei subway: After I went home that day, I kept thinking about hemorrhoids.
Shout-out: talovich.blogspot.com
Overheard by: Yugan
It's the Greatest Thing Since... You Know
Girlfriend: I think my butt has gotten bigger.
Boyfriend: If that's true, hallelujah. I love big booties.
Girlfriend: David*, this is serious! I think I have been doing so many squats that my butt has lifted and risen... like bread.
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: MoMo
That's Just Because You Didn't Understand What 'Phone Sex' Meant
Guy: Just trust me on this one and go along with it one more time.
Girl: I did that last time and ended up with random things up my ass.
Stoneham, Massachusetts
Instead, I'll Discuss Your Pain With This Complete Stranger
Boyfriend to gas station attendant: She slept with the entire football team in high school.
Girlfriend: Maybe, but I still wouldn't have slept with you.
Boyfriend: Yeah? Really? How's your butt feel? Ha! I haven't even told my friends about that yet!
Richmond, Virginia
Who Knew Organic Chemists Were So Funky?
Professor: I'm just waiting for a chlorine radical to come and bite me up the ass.
Morraine Valley Community College
Palos Hills, Illinois
Overheard by: Kati
Jenna Jameson: "Story of My Life, Honey"
20-something girl: My ass hurts and my throat is sore. I also feel very underwhelmed.
San Francisco, California
Categories: Ass | Default | Feelings | Girls | Gripes | Health & Hygiene | San Francisco | Posted 2008-05-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Also Why She Refuses to Play Musical Chairs
Girl #1: Isn't lap dancing anal sex?
Girl #2: Uhh, excuse me?
Girl #1: Well, if a girl sits on a guy's lap and he gets an erection, it would go [points up] up the ass, right?
High School
Australia
Overheard by: NinjaPirates
Categories: Ass | Australia | Backdoor | Compare and contrast | Dancing | Erections | Girls | Questions | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Posted 2008-05-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The San Francisco Equivalent of a Nice Dinner and Jewelry
Angry suit on cell: I cleaned out my ass for you, bitch!
On the Street
San Francisco, California
Categories: Ass | California | Cleanliness | Health & Hygiene | Insults | On the phone | Sexuality | Suits | Weirdness | Posted 2008-05-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Have to Earn the Right to Stay in Paradise, Pal
Guido: Dude, I think your girlfriend is going to dump you. You fell off your chair inside and you punched me in the ribs twice when I got up to go to the bathroom.
Drunk Guido: No, she can't dump me. She lets me put it in her ass!
Outside Restuarant
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Lauren
Categories: Ass | Backdoor | Drunks | Guys | Maryland | Pride | Relationships | Restaurants | Posted 2008-05-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Georgia State Penitentiary?
Freshman #1: So... where is he from?
Freshman #2: He's from the part of Georgia where they ass-rape you.
Washington University
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: New Yorker hopefully about to graduate
Categories: Ass | Colleges & Universities | Guys | Hair | Missouri | Questions | Students | US Geography | Weirdness | Posted 2008-05-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Carlos Beltran: I Hate Being an Outfielder
Female Mets fan: I'd let the whole infield fuck me in the ass with no lube if it meant they would win the World Series.
Friend: Classy, Michelle, real classy.
Braves-Mets Game
Queens, New York
Overheard by: aaron
The Gerbil Was Menstruating!
Sorority girl: Well, yeah, but that doesn't change the fact that you have a tampon in your butt.
Dickinson College
Carlisle, Pennsylvania
Categories: Ass | Colleges & Universities | Comebacks | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Pennsylvania | Sexuality | Sorority types | Posted 2008-04-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If You Have to Tell Her, You're Doing It Wrong
Random guy: Man, you just gotta cowboy the fuck up and tell the dumb bitch you're doing her in the ass!
Moe's Southwest Grill
Norman, Oklahoma
Gay Men Can't Drink Coffee? That's Crazy.
Crazy homeless lady to well-dressed businessman: Look at you with the coffee, you faggot, you just love dick in your ass!
Starbucks
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: trying to avoid her wrath
Categories: Ass | Backdoor | Bag ladies | Bars & Clubs | Character | Crazies | Default | Etiquette | Insults | Penis | San Francisco | Posted 2008-04-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
As My Plaques and Trophies Will Attest
Dude carrying Subway sandwich: My ass? No, I wouldn't expect a girl to be looking at my ass.
Chick carrying Subway sandwich: Oh yeah. Women will look at your ass. But they can't check out the other thing.
Dude: Well, under certain circumstances . . .
Chick: No, there's nothing equivalent. There's no cleavage shot.
Dude: A girl slapped my ass at the gym the other day.
Chick: Oh yeah. That's right. I have slapped lots of asses.
Howard and New Montgomery
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Cleavage Shots All Around!
Categories: Ass | Bimbettes | Chicks | Default | Euphemisms | Friends | Gender issues | Guys | Penis | San Francisco | Sexuality | Posted 2008-04-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or A-Rod's Rod
Obnoxious 20-something chick: We went to a Yankees game and had the worst seats ever. We didn't even see Derek Jeter's ass! ... Or anyone's ass.
IHOP
Green Bay, Wisconsin
...Through Binoculars.
Music History prof taking roll: Jane Smith?
Jane: Here.
Prof: Oh, there you are. I'm just used to seeing you from behind.
Hartford, Connecticut
Categories: Ass | Compare and contrast | Connecticut | Creepsters | Default | Education | Etiquette | Girls | Names | Students | Teachers | Posted 2008-04-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Which They Got Fucking a Liar
Drunk girl, loudly: Anyone who says they've never had an itchy asshole is just fucking lying.
Cock O the Walk Bar
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Beer Bitch
Sometimes You Do Know What You're Missing
Little old lady to husband: I don't care how many times you've washed it or how clean it is! I've lived 60 years without my tongue making acquaintance with your asshole, and I'm not about to introduce the two of them now!
St. Louis Street
Lebanon, Illinois
Overheard by: AlternknitiveKnitter
Categories: Ass | Body parts | Couples | Default | Gripes | Illinois | Licking | Old folks | Time Management | Posted 2008-03-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Aaron's Messy Handwriting Has Resulted in Many Botched Orders
Waiter: ... Chicken nachos all on her butt cheeks!
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: Nic
Categories: Ass | Blue collar | Default | Food | Gripes | Restaurants | Virginia | Posted 2008-03-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Immaculate Conception Story Has Gotten Skewed with Time
Frustrated waiter: It doesn't matter if it was real or not. What matters is that it came out of her ass!
Cass Corridor
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: fox news
That's My Poodle's Ass.
Disembodied male voice: That is not my ass!
Borders
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Caylin
I Need to Know More about What You Tried
Queer #1: Ugh. All I know is that pussy smells like ass. I tried once in high school, and I was all, 'Oooh, that smells like ass!' and so I tried one more time, and it still smelled like ass.
Queer #2: Well, we know one thing for sure -- your ass must smell like pussy.
Cleo's, Chicago Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: EEE
Categories: Ass | Compare and contrast | Default | Illinois | Queers | Sensory experiences | Vagina | Posted 2008-02-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
No -- Just Patting and Slapping, Like Football Players
Mother: Max, no pinching girls' hineys!
Three-year-old boy: Just boys'?
Highlands Ranch, Colorado
Like What Happened to the Knights Templar?
Attending physician to resident: You'd be surprised what you can learn from someone's anus.
Tampa General Emergency Room
Tampa, Florida
Now, Honey, You Know I Prefer Brushes with Metal Studs
Little girl holding up toilet brush: Hey, Mom, I could scrub your butt with this when we get home if we buy it!
Target
Enfield, Connecticut
Categories: Ass | Connecticut | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Kids | Kids | Shopping | Posted 2008-02-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Last Year, It Was Empire-Waist Shirts. This Year, Butt Shootings
Professor #1, during a mock voir dire: Where'd you get shot, sir?
Professor #2: In the butt! It's a recent thing! People shoot the victim in the butt!
Shout-out: overheardinlawschool.blogspot.com
Overheard by:
Categories: Ass | Overheard in Law School | Teachers | Posted 2008-01-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And the Make-a-Wish Foundation Rejected My Request
Hobo to three women crossing street: I wanna bite y'alls' butts! I wanna bite a butt!
Shout-out: overheardinphilly.blogspot.com
Overheard by: tron
Categories: Ass | Hobos | Overheard in Philly | Posted 2008-01-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Cracked Rear View
Woman #1: Hey, you look good.
Woman #2: Thanks! I've been working out... Wanna feel my ass? [Protrudes her rear.]
Arlington, Texas
Overheard by: AmadeusMaxwell
Categories: Ass | Ladies who lunch | Texas | Posted 2007-12-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Skid or Stretch?
Sorostitute yelling at friend: I can see the marks on your butt from over here!
Shout-out: overheardatcornell.blogspot.com
Overheard by: yix
Categories: Ass | Overheard at Cornell | Sorority types | Posted 2007-12-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
She's Just Jealous because I Can Rest Snacks on Top of It
Ghetto girl: Did you know that half my weight is in my ass?
Girl #1: What?
Girl #2: You have a ghetto booty?
Ghetto girl: Yeah, I went to the doctor's and he said, 'Yo, half your weight is in your ass,' and my mother laughed her head off.
All Saints High School
Whitby, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: freshman whisperer
... And a Smelly Big Toe Is Not a Medical Concern
Surgeon #1: ... So I told him, 'If you just stop putting it in your ass, you won't have that problem!'
Surgeon #2: Yeah.
Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital
New Brunswick, New Jersey
Categories: Advice | Ass | Gossip | Medical personnel | Posted 2007-12-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Um, Which Other Parts Would It Be Okay to Comment On?
Guy to girl dancing on street corner: Shake that ass, girl!
Girl: Thank you!
Guy: Sorry, I'm being an asshole.
Girl: It's okay -- I got the goods!
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Ass | Compliments | Illinois | Strangers | Posted 2007-11-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Could You Be More Specific?
Girl: Is there anything on my ass? You're a girl. You look and see and tell me. Oh my god, is there anything on my ass?!
San Francisco, California
Categories: Ass | Chicks | San Francisco | Posted 2007-11-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If You'll Refer to the Third Bullet-Point on My Resume
Drunk queer: I can pick up a shot glass with my ass!
Outside Grand Central
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
The Current Exit Strategy for Iraq
Dude: I was trying to moon them with your butt without you knowing.
Lebanon, Indiana
What Can I Say? It Was a Moment of Passion
Doctor to patient: It's simply impossible to fall on it! Your ass would not stretch that far for it to go in!
Sparrow Hospital ER
Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: laughing intern
Of Course!
Teen #1: Dude, gross!
Teen #2: Come on, man! Don't act like that, you've wondered if it was worth it having your asshole licked during sex, too!
Teen #1: Yeah, but not by a fat Asian chick!
Stranger: Was it worth it?
Modern Skate and Surf
Royal Oak, Michigan
I Always Wanted That Gift Too, but Never Got It
Girl on cell: I know it's your birthday... but it's my ass!
Shout-out: community.livejournal.com
Categories: Ass | On the phone | Overheard in Melbourne's Journal | Posted 2007-07-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook