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He Dug the Mariana Trench With It, Baby Girl
(grandmother mumbles something unintelligible)
Young girl: Oh my god, grandma! I didn't want to hear how grandpa was hung like a whale!
Longview, Washington
Overheard by: CaerBear
Categories: Animals | Death & dying | Default | Family ties | Girls | Memory lane | Washington | Wishes | Posted 2008-06-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Somewhere There's a Live, Cheerful Half of a Rat, and No One Knows How Heavy He Is
Girl #1: And I was like: "How many depressed lab rats do you have to weigh and kill to figure that out?"
Girl #2: What?
Girl #3: 37.5, apparently.
Macalester College
St. Paul, Minnesota
Categories: Animals | Colleges & Universities | Default | Diet & weight | Friends | Minnesota | Questions | Science | Sorority types | Posted 2008-06-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Not Even Doggy-Style?
Girl: But she said you were cute.
Guy: Yeah but it's like: puppies are cute, but you don't fuck a puppy.
New York City
New York
Overheard by: I'm more of a cat person...
Categories: Animals | Compare and contrast | Compliments | Default | Girls | Guys | New York | Sex | Words | Posted 2008-06-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Cats Are Hypersensitive to Comma Faults
Boy: So why did you move here?
Girl: I was gonna go to art school and then I wrote this big essay and my cat shit on it.
Boy: Literally shit on it?
Girl: Yeah, I took it as a sign.
18 Bus
Seattle, Washington
Are Public Rammings Unusual in San Francisco?
Cop on radio: We've gotten a report from race security that there is a large Viking ship being rammed repeatedly into some garbage cans in the park.
Golden Gate Park
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: geek whisperer
Where the Strippers Shit in the Water
Guy #1: So yeah, you can get in the water with them but you can't touch the manatees unless they swim up to you.
Guy #2: Sort of like a strip club.
Bar
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Matt
Categories: Advice | Animals | Bars & Clubs | Compare and contrast | Default | Guys | Missouri | Sexuality | Posted 2008-06-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just the Ones That Don't Fly, Kiddo
Five-year-old to grandma: You're just jealous cuz you don't like monkeys.
Target
Virginia
Overheard by: JH
To What Extent Would It Involve Nut Gathering?
University administrator: I've been thinking that I should start my own cult. It doesn't have to be anything sexual. It could involve squirrels.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: count me in!
Why Girl Engineers Don't Invite Boy Engineers to Their Slumber Parties
Engineer #1: We're playing my little ponies?!
Engineer #2: Oh, god.
Engineer #1: Dude, we're gonna fucking kill them! [Laughs maniacally].
Northwestern University
Evanston, Illinois
At Least You Have Your Priorities Straight
Ten-year-old boy: You know what I would have if I could have four wishes?
Big sister: I don't know. What?
Ten-year-old boy: One: no drought in Georgia; Two: no global warming; Three: world peace; Four: a Komodo dragon that is really nice and fun to play with, is a vegetarian, lives forever and can grant eternal life.
Druid Hills, Atlanta
Overheard by: Miranda
That Was an Olsen Twin
Teenage girl: Ohmigod, guess what!
Boyfriend: What?
Teenage girl: I just ran over a possum and it humped my car!
Chattanooga, Tennessee
I Eat It Before Those Orgies with the Football Team
College girl #1: Eating raw fish makes you super fertile.
College girl #2: Really?
College girl #1: Yeah, thats why I get pregnant so much.
Japanese Restaurant
Richmond, Virginia
Categories: Animals | Food | Friends | Pregnancy | Restaurants | Science | Sorority types | Posted 2008-05-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But We Call Them "American Voters"
American chick #1: Ohmigod! Look at those white cows! I've never seen cows like that before!
American chick #2: Maybe they're albino... Or it could be a special British type of cow.
Guy sitting behind them: ... Those are sheep.
Bus, Southern England
Overheard by: pretends to be Canadian
With Their Affectionate Natures and Agile Fingers
Stats professor explaining problem: And that comes out to be 13.58 when we hire monkeys to plug in the values on our calculators...[more quietly] I really do love monkeys you know...
Barnum Hall, Tufts University
Massachusetts
Overheard by: Adrian
Philip Pullman: Goddamn It!
[Family looking at a Golden Compass poster.]
Mom: Oooh! The new Narnia movie!
Dad: Did you know the polar bear is Jesus?
Great Escape Theater
Illinois
Overheard by: The Surly Usher
Out of What?
Five-year-old boy: How old are you?
Tutor: Twenty.
Five-year-old boy: Yeah, well, do you know how to make a monkey?
Dallas, Texas
Which, for Some Reason, Makes Me All Tingly Inside
Woman #1: That's a wonderful coat.
Woman #2: I hope it stays cold long enough for me to enjoy it.
Woman #1: You know, you're really brave. I have a fur at home but I can't stop thinking about those crazy PETA people chasing me down with a van and hurting me.
Sidewalk in front of Grocery Store
Maryland
What Happened to the Other.... Actually, I Don't Wanna Know
New homeowner: Did you ever find out what was causing that smell?
Worker: Yep.
New homeowner: What was it?
Worker: I'm not gonna tell ya.
New homeowner: Come on, what was it?
Worker, with a serious face and tone: You've got about four and a half to five opossums underneath your house.
Huntington, West Virginia
Overheard by: Jess
Categories: Animals | Clients | Construction workers | Death & dying | Health & Hygiene | Questions | Sensory experiences | West Virginia | Posted 2008-05-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Build Him a Sukkah?
Loudmouthed breakfast patron: I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but what if you keep kosher and someone, like, brings a pig to your house? Like, what do you do with their pet pig?
Toast Two
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Paul
Christian Discovers He Has a Vocation for the Priesthood
Gay boy: ... And I woke up and my room was filled with red buttons and ears of corn, then my comforter turned into a giant lake, and three purple rhinoceroses just like rose out of it! And--
Girlfriend #1: No, Christian, there is no such thing as rhinoceroses. The plural of "rhinoceros" is "rhinocerii".
Girlfriend #2: Stacy... I don't think that's right... I think it may be "rhinos-"
Girlfriend #1: Courtney, that's ridiculous, we're being serious here...
Gay boy: Okay, guys! It doesn't matter. Anyway, back to the story... The weirdest part is, after all that happened, I thought I liked girls...
Girlfriend #1 and girlfriend #2: Wow... That is strange...
Huntington Movie Theater
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Mo
Luckily So Many Other Things Taste Like Them
College girl: Just think about all the chickens that get killed every day, like just by McDonald's.
Friend: Yeah, but you know... I don't really care.
College girl: Oh no, I don't care about them either, I'm just scared they're gonna run out of chickens.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Curlee
Categories: Animals | Fears | Feelings | Food | Friends | Massachusetts | Sorority types | Posted 2008-05-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Not Allowed to Use Them at Home
Biology professor, on earthworm digestive systems: And I'm including this part because I enjoy saying words like "anus".
South Dakota State University
South Dakota
Categories: Animals | Body parts | Class | Creepsters | Education | Science | South Dakota | Teachers | Weirdness | Wishes | Words | Posted 2008-05-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Canadian Ice Cream Is Not for the Faint of Heart
Guy: So yeah, our ice cream is good. It's not made out of cat.
Ontario
Canadia
If You Need a Longer Break, "Fluffy Pink Clouds 101" Is Right Down the Hall
Linda: Ugh, this class is so depressing!
Professor: Let's all take ten seconds to think about baby lambs to make Linda feel happy. [pause] Okay, back to Terri Schiavo!
Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York
Categories: Animals | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Education | Feelings | Girls | Gripes | Insults | New York | Offers and requests | Philosophy | Teachers | Posted 2008-05-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ever Seen a Cat Goose-Step?
Teen girl: I put my new bra on my cat's head and he looked like a German soldier.
New Zealand
Overheard by: Schmitty
Categories: Animals | Clothes | Compare and contrast | Geography | Girls | History | New Zealand | Posted 2008-05-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Golden Showers Count As "Animal," Right?
Mid-20s girl: So, I've been a vegetarian for about six years now and I'm trying to phase out all animal products.
Mid-40s woman: Oh, I could never be a vegetarian, I'd die. I like my potatoes too much.
Mid-20s girl: Umm... Potatoes are vegetables.
Mid-40s woman: Yeah, I guess you're right. But I mean like peas and stuff.
Kokomo, Indiana
Overheard by: Justin
At That Point My Crush Was Ova
Girl to friend: So, there was this cute guy, and I was standing behind him, and he just started laying eggs!
Government Center
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: meems
Categories: Animals | Beauty | Compare and contrast | Friends | Girls | Massachusetts | Weirdness | Posted 2008-04-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Dad's the Best Gas-Release Coach in the Midwest
Little girl: I farted!
Dad, indifferent: Stop farting.
Little girl: I farted on the dog!
Dad, still indifferent: Continue farting.
Glendale Heights, Illinois
Overheard by: rbmmom
Categories: Animals | Compare and contrast | Dads | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Illinois | Kids | Offers and requests | Pride | Sensory experiences | Posted 2008-04-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
They're Unlike My Ex-Husband in That Respect
Professor: Cats aren't capable of going into your home, judging what items are valuable, and dragging those items away.
Michigan State University
Michigan
Overheard by: sjshock
Categories: Animals | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Michigan | Teachers | Posted 2008-04-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
In Case You're Curious...
Little boy: Dad, what's a "brer" rabbit?
Father: A rabbit with a lot of brer in it.
Magic Kingdom
Disney World, Florida
Overheard by: Natalie
And Can I Use Your Leg As a Scratching Post?
Patron #1: Keith is really sorry to have acted like that.
Bartender: Does he even realize how drunk he was?
Patron #1: I'm just saying, that is not the Keith we know
Patron #2: [starts laughing].
Bartender: Well, he is a nice guy, he just gets too drunk.
Patron #1: I'm just letting you know, that according to all the cats he knows, you are the meow [makes a pawing gesture].
Bartender: Okay, how drunk are you?
Patron #2: He doesn't even know who Keith is.
Patron #1: Where are we?
Bennigans
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Chris
Categories: Animals | Bars & Clubs | Bartenders | Compliments | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Feelings | Florida | Guys | Questions | Posted 2008-04-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We're Hoping She Stays Out of the Minibar
Blonde on cell: We got a nice hotel room for our cat.
Montgomery and California
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Ladle
Categories: Animals | California | Default | Holidays | Idiots | On the phone | Stupidity | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2008-04-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Then the Mescaline Wore Off, and I Was Naked in a Public Fountain
Crazy man on stoop, to couple walking German shepherd: Yo! Is that one of them orangutan dogs? I saw me one of them orangutans... It jumped right in the river and started catching fish. Yes it did!
Federal Hill, Baltimore
I'm Not Saying Your Assessment of Thomas Jefferson Is Wrong...
Student: Maybe he's gay for the snake.
Teacher: Did you just say "gay for the snake"?!
Pleasantville High School
Pleasantville, New York
Categories: Animals | Body parts | Default | Etiquette | Euphemisms | New York | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Sexuality | Students | Teachers | Words | Posted 2008-04-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Your Editors Are Still Giggling about "Beaverton"
Little boy holding a dog leash: OK, I'll be the dog and you be the owner.
Little girl: OK!
Little boy: No, wait, you be the dog and I'll be the owner.
Little girl: Don't even *think* about it!
Beaverton, Oregon
Colorado Libraries Are Full Of the Stuff
Geeky girl: You know, I've still got my ex-boyfriend's mom's library card.
Goth friend: ...We should totally go and check out, like, animal porn with it.
Aurora, Colorado
Categories: Animals | Books | Colorado | Default | Dorks, Geeks & Nerds | Family ties | Friends | Girls | Goths | Offers and requests | Porn | Relationships | Weirdness | Posted 2008-04-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook