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Let's Just Say, I'll Never Try Shrooms Again.
Guy: Oh I've slept in a field before. One time I slept with a sheep. I was interrupted in the middle of the night by a fox, though. The fox was like "grr!" and I was like "woah!", but then I remembered that I had garlic bread in my bag.
An Cheathru Rua
Galway
Ireland
Overheard by: what happens in an cheathru rua...
Perhaps You Should Get That Checked Out?
Old man: You got bats in your belfry?
Jaded 20-something: Yeah, I don't know what I've got in my belfry...
Jersey City, New Jersey
Portrait Of the Attention Whore As a Young Man
Little boy, dressed as a firefighter, looking at picture of a raccoon: That's a raccoon! I shoot raccoons! With a gun! Look at my boots!
Wheaton, Illinois
Overheard by: Emlyn
For the Last Time, Tommy, It's Not Even Goat-Stabbing Season
Four-year-old to mother: How do you kill a goat? With a gun?
Mother: Well...
Four-year-old, after epiphany: Or a sword!
Tacoma, Washington
Overheard by: Charlie G.
Then Follow Me!
Screechy woman: We need to figure out what the frack we're doing for Canada day!
Quiet man: Probably sit around and watch the fireworks.
Screechy woman: Noooo, that's such a waste!
Quiet man: (silence)
Screechy woman: I have the day off, yeeeaahhh!
Quiet man: (silence)
Screechy woman: Do you think pigs would eat other pigs?
Quiet man, after long pause: I really don't know.
London
Canadia
Overheard by: Watcher of Fireworks
The Duck and I Were Reenacting the Dunkirk Evacuation!
Chav, showing off in front of group of underage girls: Yes bruv, you don't even know, there was this duck, yeah, and I snapped its neck, innit! It was swimmin' around with its head loose making stupid noises!
Slightly older chav friend: Breds, you're talking shit, man. Number one, if you snapped a duck's neck it wouldn't still be swimming. B, I was there, remember, that fucking duck bit you on the hand, bruv and you screamed like a woman and ran away.
Cambridgeshire
England
Overheard by: Tim C
The Lassie "E! True Hollywood Story" Was Too Controversial for TV
40-something suit: You know how sometimes you can love a dog so much it's, like, illegal?
40-something woman: (looks at him blankly)
40-something suit: You know? So that it's, like, illegal?
40-something woman, looking straight ahead: Umm, let's look at Halloween candy.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: I love my dog, but not that much
Categories: Animals | Candy | Overheard in Minneapolis | Relationships | Suits | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2011-06-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
God, You're So Competitive, Jason!
Ditzy woman: It would look more like Australia if it was an island, because Australia is an island... right?
Ditzy woman's daughter: I think that's the smartest thing that's ever been said in my presence.
Ditzy woman: Well, somebody in this family has to be brilliant.
Four-year-old boy: Dogs are kinda like vampires because they both have pointy teeth.
Harrisburg, Illinois
Like Hamburger Comes from the Pig Part
Eight-year-old boy to mother browsing meat counter at the grocery store: Mom, what's veal?
Mother: It's just another kind of meat.
Eight-year-old boy: But what kind of animal does it come from?
Mother, motioning to her chest area: Oh, I think it's from the lamb part of the cow.
Toronto
Canadia
College Guys Have to Be Taught Everything About Pussy
Girl walking through campus: And that's why you can't put a cat in the microwave.
Saint Joseph's University
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Animals | Girls | Pennsylvania | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2011-06-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...And They Have Cats
Female student #1: Can you ride me piggyback after class?
Female student #2: Can *he* ride *you* after class?
Female student #1, giggling: That's not what I meant!
Male student: Wait, don't you have, like, 20 cats?
Female student #1: (slaps him)
Female student #2: You do have a lot of cats...
Simmons College
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Yoshi
Categories: Animals | Massachusetts | Offers and requests | Sex | Students | Posted 2011-06-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Haiti's Funniest Home Videos Is the Stuff Of Nightmare
Retail employee to coworkers: I once saw a man having sex with a chicken in Haiti, and the chicken was crowing...
White Plains, New York
Overheard by: Dubpsfinezt228
Categories: Animals | Memory lane | New York | Sex | Posted 2011-06-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
In Totally Unrelated News, Which Of You Left an Earring in My Carpet Last Night?
Biology prof: So the dinosaurs were eating all the iridium poisoned plants, and dying of drug overdoses. That's why you find them in all these weird positions, they were having bad trips and just... dying.
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Overheard by: Danielle
Categories: Animals | Death & dying | Drugs | New Mexico | Teachers | Weirdness | Posted 2011-06-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Nine Months Later, I Had You.
Student: So then I turned round and there was a snake in my bacon!
Birchwood Community High School
Warrington
England
Note to Self: Proofread Bucket List
Hopeful tourist to hotel employee: We came to see kangaroos in their natural habitat, which way is the outback?
Hotel Front Desk
Vienna
Austria
Overheard by: flamingriver
...As Seen in Elmo' Money, Elmo' Problems.
Streetcar announcement: Next stop, Alton Avenue!
Crazy guy on streetcar: Next stop, house of contaminated puppies!
Streetcar announcement: Next stop, Greenwood Avenue!
Crazy guy on streetcar: Next stop, have you ever tried to kill a Muppet in an alley?
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Felicity Thistle
Did You Shave It?
Girl #1 : I found a bearded dragon in my brothers closet last night!
Girl #2 : A real dragon?
Girl #1 : No, a lizard.
Girl #2 : Oh.
Secondary School
Nanaimo District
Canadia.
The Highly-Prized Utah Grunting Salad
Woman: My salad just made a guinea pig noise.
Salt Lake City, Utah
Categories: Animals | Food | Sensory experiences | Utah | Women | Posted 2011-05-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Somebody Has an Admirer
Woman on the street: In the past 24 hours someone a shoved a dead bird in the grill of my truck!
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Animals | Death & dying | Pennsylvania | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2011-05-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Interestingly, There's No Black-and-White Answer to That.
Five-year-old son to father: I wonder what zebra farts smell like?
The National Zoo
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Kat
Categories: Animals | Kids | Questions | Sensory experiences | Washington, DC | Posted 2011-05-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Also the Argument Against the Nuclear Family
Guy: I wonder if any of these bombs are still functional. That way, we know where to go for supplies in the zombie apocalypse.
Girl: What? You idiot, you don't use nuclear power against zombies! They're already dead, so they can't get cancer and die! You would just wind up with a bunch of radioactive zombies!
Guy #2: Yeah, then it's just like Spiderman, but with radioactive zombies instead of Tobey Maguire and spiders!
Atomic Power Museum
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Overheard by: Amred
Categories: About celebrities | Animals | Girls | Guys | New Mexico | Stupidity | Zombies | Posted 2011-05-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We're Gonna Get Along Swimmingly, Mate.
Drunk #1: I'm telling you man, these fucking guys raped a fish.
Drunk #2: What fucking guys?
Drunk #1: In Africa. They raped a fish. That's why the fish have to wear condoms, so they don't have fish babies with bulging human eyes.
Drunk #3: How the fuck did we get from talking about his (gestures towards drunk #2) sister's hairy vulva to fish rape?
Drunk #4: How the fuck would you even rape a fish anyway?
Drunk #1: Gut it and wank with its corpse?
Drunk #2, knowingly: Or freeze it and push it up your arse.
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
...So I'm Incapable Of Having Linear Conversations Right Now.
Woman #1: How's your health?
Woman #2: Oh, starting to get better. I'm okay.
Woman #1: Our cat is sick. We had to bring her to the vet.
Los Angeles, California
Categories: Animals | California | Health & Hygiene | Questions | Women | Posted 2011-05-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We'll Never Forget That.
Mom to little girl: No, we are not getting Eliza* a present. She hasn't given you a present ever since the elephant incident.
Disneyland
Anaheim, California
Categories: Animals | California | Memory lane | Moms | Parenting | Weirdness | Posted 2011-04-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Bowser
Little boy to grandma: Once, when I was camping, I sat on my biscuits, then I put my biscuits on a rock and ate them like a dog.
Grandma: Oh, uh... That's nice...
Australia
Gay Cruising Slang Gets More Cryptic by the Minute.
Guy on phone: That sounds awesome. (pause) Did he kill the bear? (pause) Wellllll, fuck him!
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Coral
What? I'm Not Proud Of Myself!
Girl to friends: So, when I was 6, I took my golden retriever's rectal temperature with a tire pressure gauge.
Nice Restaurant
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Animals | Body parts | Girls | Memory lane | Pennsylvania | Weirdness | Posted 2011-04-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Um, Because I Just Spent a Summer with the Peace Corps Doing That?
Pretty girl to boy: How is bottle-feeding a baby hedgehog not on your to-do list?
Fairfield High School
Fairfield, Connecticut
Categories: Animals | Character | Connecticut | Girls | Questions | Posted 2011-04-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
As I Learned at the Birth-a-Bear Workshop
Boy to friend: I'm totally capable of giving birth to a live teddy bear.
High School
Clarksville, Maryland
...As Some Of You Guessed on the Midterm?
Veterinary pathology professor: The client's Samoyed had puppies, and the last pup came out green. So what happened? Did the bitch get raped by a martian?
Washington State University
Pullman, Washington
Categories: Animals | Questions | Teachers | Washington | Weirdness | Posted 2011-03-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Remember Daddy's Cousin Chuckie?
Four-year-old: I wanna go in there!
Mother: The small mammal house?
Four-year-old, screaming: Small mammals!
Mother: Do you even know what small mammals are?
Four-year-old now, quiet and embarrassed: No.
The National Zoo
Washington, DC
...the Last Time I Was Truly Happy.
Sexy baseball coach: I was shooting pheasants, naked, in Boise, Idaho.
Columbia, South Carolina
Overheard by: Saywhat?!
Categories: Animals | Leisure | South Carolina | Teachers | Weirdness | Posted 2011-02-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
To Be Fair, His Vision Has Never Been Better!
Girl, looking at friend's aquarium: Why is there a carrot?! Is that what you've been feeding your snail?
Jersey City, New Jersey
Categories: Animals | Food | Girls | New Jersey | Questions | Posted 2011-01-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Your Editors Liked This Quote So Much, We Were All, "We Like This Quote So Much!"
Woman on phone: I saw a greyhound in the middle of the road. So I told her, "there's a greyhound in the middle of the road!"
Sydney
Australia
Categories: Animals | Australia | On the phone | Sensory experiences | Stupidity | Women | Posted 2011-01-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Santa Sure Has Changed Over the Years.
Girl to friend: He's like the crocodile hunter of smoking cigarettes and really slutty girls.
Plymouth, New Hampshire
Overheard by: Liz Nelson
Categories: Animals | Compliments | Friends | Girls | New Hampshire | Sexuality | Smoking | Posted 2011-01-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Um, I've Heard.
Man: All cocaine really does is make you want more of it.
Woman: Not necessarily. If that were true, what's to stop people from snorting dog shit?
Man: That rule doesn't apply to dog shit. If you snort dog shit, you will definitely never, ever, want to snort it again.
Oakland, California
Sesame Street Has Really Diversified Its Curriculum
Guy: It was mostly about fucking goats, but I also learned a lot about libel law.
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Nick
What the Fuck Is Going on in Leamington Spa??
20-something drunk girl, pointing at traffic lights, to friends: Shhhh! We have to be quiet! This is where the dwarf lives!
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Stupid SPCA
20-something to another: If you want to sacrifice a horse, do it in your backyard.
Metro State College of Denver
Denver, Colorado
Why Do People Keep Marrying Danny Bonaduce?
Guy on Bluetooth: They took the two most aggressive animals and bred them together. What did they think was going to happen?
Oxford Valley Mall
Langhorne, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Tom
Categories: Animals | Guys | On the phone | Pennsylvania | Questions | Sex | Weirdness | Posted 2010-12-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
This Quote Is Better Birth Control Than a Condom
Scruffy ponytail dude on cell: Is the dog oozing or pulsing? Tell your brother to stop squeezing the guinea pig, I can hear it squealing! (pause) Yes I can! Yes I can, Ruth*! (pause) Oh, sorry, I guess grandma sneezing does sound like the guinea pig... Just wrap the dog in a towel and I'll be home in an hour.
Tampa, Florida
Categories: Animals | Florida | Health & Hygiene | On the phone | Weirdness | Posted 2010-12-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Always Thought She Seemed a Bit Fuzzy for a Girl
Girl student: Her family is so weird.
Guy student: How so?
Girl student: Her dad, like, goes in her backyard and catches squirrels.
Guy student, after long pause: Wait, what does he do with them?
Girl student: Raises them?
Starbucks
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Ashlie
The Two Types Of People: Encapsulated.
Mom: Oh, no... A dead chipmunk.
Small child: Yay! A dead chipmunk!
Morgantown, West Virginia
Categories: Animals | Death & dying | Family | Feelings | Happiness | Kids | West Virginia | Posted 2010-12-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Mom Has All the Answers
Girl on phone: Hamster ovaries? Really? I did not know that.
College
Portland, Oregon
Categories: Animals | Bimbettes | Body parts | Oregon | Questions | Posted 2010-11-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Stoned Friends: Oooo...
Guy to friends: In his backyard were six tortured dogs. (pause) And those dogs were us!
York University
Canadia
Overheard by: that guys cat
Categories: Animals | Assholes | Canadia | Euphemisms | Friends | Posted 2010-11-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Raise Your Hand If You Don't See the Problem
Agriculture student #1: So she starts screaming and I just knew, so I said, "did you search for "hot dog" without using the safety search?"
Agriculture student #2: Oh, no, hot dog without a fig leaf?
Agriculture student #1: Yeah! And you know how she is, so she starts screaming and freaking out. But it wasn't even a human, it was a dog...
University of Florida
Gainesville, Florida
When Summer's Eve Merged with The Learning Channel
Girl: Do you ever get the feeling we're, like, related to monkeys?
Bryn Mawr College
Pennsylvania
Categories: Animals | Colleges & Universities | Family ties | Feelings | Girls | Pennsylvania | Questions | Posted 2010-10-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Those Are the Choices?
Blue collar guy on lunch break: Does she use a strap-on or does she have something that pops out like a turtle head?
Northwestern Law School
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: What a Horrible Visual
Getting a Piece Of Tail Is Always a Problem in Ohio
Woman to man: She fucked the lobster?
Cincinnati, Ohio
You're So Deep, Monica.
Coffee shop girl: A pig is, like, a monkey's best friend.
Missoula, Montana
Overheard by: Evan
Categories: Animals | Compare and contrast | Girls | Montana | Relationships | Posted 2010-09-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Oh, You're Just Still Pissed That I Stole Your Lucky Charms.
Bearded elderly Irish tramp: Fuck you! Fuck you, you hellspawn of Satan! You diseased monkey fucking dog wanking shitcunt!
Man, passing by: Pardon?
Bearded elderly Irish tramp: You heard me, you twat! You cocksucking pedophile wanker! (turning to passing woman) Excuse me my dear, I'm terribly sorry to bother you, but could you spare a pound?
Woman, passing by: Sorry, no.
Bearded elderly Irish tramp: God bless you! (turns back to passing man) Go fuck yourself, you cunt! I'll vomit on your fucking dog!
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Do You Date Much?
Mother: Why are you so exhausted?
Chubby teen, out of breath: There... Was... Dog!
Mom: You ran from a dog?
Chubby teen: I ran... From Cerberus, watchdog of Hades.
Pulaski, Virginia
Little Tommy Lee Had Quite the Ego.
Seven-year-old in underwear in dressing room, doing pelvis thrusts: Look at my horse! My horse is amazing!
Target
Ithaca, New York
Um, Isn't That a Burger King Crown?
Drunk aboriginal man to drunk friends: I just got out of jail. My mum's been crying for me, my dog's been praying for me, my uncle Bob's been praying for me, all to get me back to Narrogin. I tell you, I'm the king of that town.
Fremantle
Australia
...According to This Snapple Cap.
Teacher to class: You never know what you're going to find stuffed in the head of a mummified crocodile.
Metro State College
Denver, Colorado
Divorce the Second Woman and Marry the First, Guys
Woman #1: I love the smell of rain.
Woman #2: The only thing I smell is elephant shit.
Alabama State Fair
Overheard by: Wendy and Joe
Categories: Alabama | Animals | Poop | Sensory experiences | Women | Posted 2010-09-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
They Could at Least Aquire Some Cheetah Girls.
Fat hipster girl: Do you know we didn't even get to see half the animals?
Skinny hipster guy: Dude, they don't have any sexy animals here.
Smithsonian National Zoo
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Lola Carmichael
Categories: Animals | Fat people | Hipsters | Questions | Sex | Skinny people | Washington, DC | Posted 2010-09-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
A Lot Of Cocaine and a Lot Of Ego?
40-something: No one really knows just what goes into running a chicken farm.
Hebron, Kentucky
Overheard by: Let's Keep It That Way
Categories: Animals | Idiots | Kentucky | Philosophy | Posted 2010-09-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Which Is Officially Recognized As a Sport in Texas.
Young waitress: He hit a deer on his motorcycle?! That's like... running into a horse with another horse!
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: Picture that...
Categories: Animals | Baristas | Compare and contrast | Oregon | Posted 2010-08-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And What If It Took Pictures?
Gay Australian cowboy: I just didn't want his cat seeing me naked.
Calgary
Canadia
And Start Talking Like Ray Romano
Super smart, nerdy-looking guy: No! If you hit a mammoth with a comet, it will freeze!
High School
North Dakota
Overheard by: marisawin
Categories: Animals | Guys | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | USA | Weirdness | Posted 2010-08-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Who Invited Her?
Drunk guy #1: So what you're saying is, we rip the spine out of a dog?
Drunk guy #2: Yeah, but then you put a robotic spine in. You could get a remote-controlled dog.
Drunk guy #1: Shit, we could control its bark function.
Drunk girl: And make it ski.
Leamington Spa
England
Categories: Animals | Body parts | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | England | Health & Hygiene | Stupidity | Posted 2010-08-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Thankfully the Stupid Seem to Always Die Off First
Environmental science teacher: What, in your opinion, is the most pressing environmental issue our planet faces today?
Clueless redhead, raising hand unsurely: Is it... The birds?
Environmental science teacher: Excuse me?
Clueless redhead: Isn't there something up with birds? Like, aren't they dying or something?
Environmental science teacher: Um... Thousands of different animals are dying...
Clueless redhead: Oh. I thought it was just birds.
High School
Los Angeles, California
Categories: Animals | Birds | California | Compare and contrast | Death & dying | Questions | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Students | Stupidity | Teachers | Posted 2010-08-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
A Lot Of Us Are Asking Ourselves This About Mel Gibson.
Angry woman on cell: That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard! (pause) How are you even still alive?! How is it that the process of natural selection hasn't weeded you out by now? How have you made it this far through life being that stupid?
Sugar Hill, Georgia
Categories: Animals | Comebacks | Compare and contrast | Georgia | Insults | On the phone | Women | Posted 2010-08-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
There Was an Unfortunate Incident With Jeffrey at Toys Я Us
Girl #1: I mean, there are those people who pretend to be so moral, and then you find out they're, like, fucking a giraffe.
Girl #2, laughing: Ew! That's disgusting.
Girl #3: Seriously, though, hypocrites suck.
Girl #2: But what would that feel like?
Girl #1: What, being a hypocrite?
Girl #2: No... You know... The giraffe.
Girl #3: Ew... Uhm, horrible?
Girl #2: Yeah, you're right.
(five minutes later, in the middle of another topic)
Girl #2: But really, I think it would depend on how old it was.
Girl #1: What?
Girl #2: The giraffe.
Girl #1: Are you still thinking about fucking a giraffe?!?
Girl #3: We need to make sure she doesn't go to the zoo. That can only end badly.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: that sounds wholly unpleasant
Categories: Age and ageing | Animals | Compare and contrast | Feelings | Girls | Insults | San Francisco | Sex | Posted 2010-08-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It Was All, "What Am I, a Fucking Cow?"
Redneck girl: So do you worship cows?
Hindu boy: Yes, that's part of our religion.
Redneck girl: No, I mean you. Do you worship cows?
Hindu boy: Yes! I do, my people do, it's our religion!
Redneck girl: So when you go to church, there's a cow there?
Hindu boy: No, we don't go to church.
Redneck girl: Have you ever gone cow-tipping?
Hindu boy: What's that?
Redneck girl: It's when you run up to a cow in the middle of the night and push it over and it goes "mooooooooo!" I tried to tip a horse once, too, but it just looked at me.
High School
North Carolina
Categories: Animals | Girls | Guys | North Carolina | Questions | Rednecks | Religion | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Posted 2010-08-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Belinda Finds the Secret Of Happiness
Little girl on merry-go-round, addressing her horse: Go left!
Upstate New York
Overheard by: Coyote
It Was the Best Birthday Present Ever!
Man to wife: There were monkeys all over the pile of stuff in the guest room!
Street Fair
San Francisco, California
Categories: Animals | Couples | San Francisco | Weirdness | Posted 2010-07-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The High Point Of an All-Cat Theme Park
Boyfriend: Wait! Imagine... zip-lines for cats.
Girlfriend: Yes!
Stevens Point, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Hannah
The Hot New Game Show That's Sweeping the Globe
Artsy tourist to touristy-looking woman: More cats, more money!
Outside Museum of Turkish and Islamic Art
Istanbul
Turkey
Categories: Animals | Compare and contrast | Middle East | Money | Tourists | Posted 2010-07-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Probably Time for Another Field Trip
Teacher: So what gets left behind when sea water evaporates?
Student: Fishies!
Melbourne
Australia
I Just Barely Care About People
Philosophy student #1, about biomedical ethics: Yeah, we just don't know enough yet to go around screwing with genetic manipulation. Like, cloning people. That creeps me out.
Philosophy student #2: That sheep they cloned, Dolly. She died recently, didn't she? She was like five or six years old.
Philosophy student #1: Yeah. I don't think she lived very long.
Philosophy student #2: What's an average sheep lifespan?
Philosophy student #1, in defensive tone of voice: I don't know! I don't care about sheep!
Vancouver
Canadia
Categories: Age and ageing | Animals | Canadia | Death & dying | Philosophy | Science | Students | Posted 2010-06-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Final Solution to the School Year
Enthusiastic teacher: We're doing a scavenger hunt today!
Student, dubiously: A scavenger hunt?
Enthusiastic teacher, nodding: Yeah, it's like ... It's like a Nazi Easter egg hunt.
North Carolina
Categories: Animals | Compare and contrast | History | North Carolina | Students | Teachers | Weirdness | Posted 2010-06-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But I Didn't Back Up Over It. That's Gay.
English major #1: So, I totally ran over a snake today.
English major #2: Was it an anaconda?
English major #1: I don't know... It was a snake!
English major #3: Was it a grass snake?
English major #2: Was it a trouser snake?
English major #1: Yes. I ran over a penis.
Southern Illinois University
Edwardsville, Edwardsville, Illinois
Overheard by: M
Categories: Animals | Colleges & Universities | Illinois | Penis | Students | Posted 2010-06-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Especially, Headless Ones Dressed in Couture
Trendy girl, extremely serious: But like I am totally scared of mannequins! (pause) Mannequins, and big giraffes. I'm really just scared of all jungle animals in general.
Manhattan, Kansas
And What About Cars?
Ditzy American girl: You're from Scotland?
Scottish girl: Yeah.
Ditzy American girl: So do they have like... Ducks over there?
Orlando, Florida
Yet You Won't Swallow Your Husband's Semen?
Middle-aged woman with dog: Oh, she peed on my foot. That's your pee. That's your love juice. Did you put your love juice on me? You gave me your love juice.
Woman's friend: It's on your shirt now.
Middle-aged woman: Oh, she pissed on my shirt? It's okay, it's just love juice. Come here, stinks. Come here, stinky. It's just pee. Come, gimme kisses, stink-stink.
Woman's friend: Here, maybe you should let me hold her.
Middle-aged woman, hissing: Get away from my stinky! She gave me her love juice, not you.
Starbucks
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Pips
Categories: Animals | Body parts | California | Feelings | Friends | K-I-S-S-I-N-G | Pee | Questions | Stupidity | Women | Posted 2010-05-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Although There's Nothing Worse Than a Goat with the Munchies.
Hipster girl #1: Those are nice (points at earrings), where did you get them?
Hipster girl #2: Oh, I stole these. I only steal earrings, for some reason. So did your parents ever get those goats for their farm?
Hipster girl #1: Not yet, but my mom said they're going to start growing pot.
Hipster girl #2: That's cool.
Cafe
Durham, North Carolina
Overheard by: Vincent Ignatius
Categories: Animals | Bars & Clubs | Compliments | Crimes | Drugs | Family ties | Fashion | Hipsters | North Carolina | Weirdness | Posted 2010-05-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
What Prevented You?
Girl on phone: I got two pairs of pants, a shirt, and I almost bought a beaver.
Boone, North Carolina
Categories: Animals | Clothes | Girls | North Carolina | On the phone | Shopping | Posted 2010-05-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'd Still Buy the Wii Version.
Guy, mournfully: Tiger fights are so generic now...
Westwood, California
Categories: Animals | California | Gripes | Guys | Weirdness | Posted 2010-05-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Best. Sporting Event. Ever.
Weird young man, talking to himself: Those damn beavers and their rakes!
Sedona, Arizona
Oh, and Hugh Hefner Doesn't?
Girl reading Dirty Japanese book to another: Oh, "fuck like rabbits"? "Yari... Ma... Kuru..." Is that how you pronounce it? Do I have the accent right?
(other girl pronounces it correctly in high pitched voice)
Girl: You make "fucking like rabbits" sound so cute and adorable!
Jersey City, New Jersey
Categories: Animals | Compliments | Girls | New Jersey | Sex | Posted 2010-04-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Sometimes It's a Good Time, Sometimes It's a Good Story
Woman #1, as bus passes bar: See that bar? There's another location closer to the lake. My dad and I went there for a beer right after I first moved here. I felt something brush my leg and I looked down and saw a rat! I swear, it was a foot and a half long!
Woman #2: Oh my god! What did you do?
Woman #1: Oh, it was crazy. The owner disappeared upstairs and came back with a baseball bat but by that time the rat was hiding between the bar and the wall. So he runs off again and comes back with a blowtorch! It's like, 'helloooo, this whole bar is made of wood!"
Woman #2: So what happened?
Woman #1: They took my address and that Monday I got a bouquet of flowers. For not freaking out, I guess. I dunno. I've never been back...
Chicago, Illinois
But the Fox Would Never Forgive Me
Man with strange beard to friend: My girlfriend would love me forever if I got her a fox's skull.
London
England
...Who Refuses to Be Confined to a Single Cell.
Girl: I am not an amoeba, I'm a free man!
Chatswood Station
Sydney
Australia
Then I Sniff It and I'm Like, "Ooo, Beer!"
Tiny pregnant girl to friend: He has this mattress that has pee stains all over it, and he keeps blaming it on the dog! I'm like, "yeah, right!"
Target
York, Pennsylvania
How Many Words a Minute Can It Type?
Man to another: What's the street value of a giant frog?
Sydney
Australia
That's Someone in a Mickey Costume, Honey.
Redneck to wife: You'll never see a squirrel like that in Massachusetts!
Disney World
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Stephen
Categories: Animals | Compare and contrast | Florida | Rednecks | Posted 2010-04-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You're Housebroken, Right?
20-something woman to another: I need to show you to my dog sometime.
Iithaca, New York
...Since That's What This Pie Looks Like.
Bakery clerk: It's not like my dog is going to run off and do drugs!
Confused person next in line: Um, ha ha, you never know.
Bakery clerk: Oh, we were just talking about childbirth.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Animals | Birthing | Compare and contrast | Customers | Drugs | Employees | Pennsylvania | Weirdness | Posted 2010-03-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Think I Had This Roommate...
Scruffy 20-something guy on cell: I don't care what you do, just leave my fucking rats alone!
Eureka, California
Overheard by: Barry Evans
Categories: Animals | California | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Insults | On the phone | Posted 2010-03-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Sentence Fragments Baaaad!
Professor: I want to please you... Not with goats, but with sentences.
Greek Class
UCLA, California
Overheard by: shepherd
Categories: Animals | California | Class | Colleges & Universities | Education | Teachers | Weirdness | Posted 2010-03-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Well, Not Human Bodies.
Coworker #1: So, did you ever figure out what was biting you?
Coworker #2: Yeah, the clinic said it was bedbugs. And I'm like, "Bedbugs?!" It's not like I have dead bodies layin' around, or anything.
Casino
Biloxi, Mississippi
Overheard by: so, where are they?
Categories: Animals | Coworkers | Health & Hygiene | Mississippi | Stupidity | Posted 2010-03-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
My Husband's Chickening Out
Woman to clerk: My turkeys are ruining my marriage!
California
Categories: Animals | California | Relationships | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2010-03-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Not to Mention the Right to Bear Claws
Dumb blonde: Our Bill of Rights is so cool... Everyone must own a cat. And the Lion King.
San Diego, California
But I Still Adore Rosie Perez
College guy: You know when you throw the egg at the pink dinosaur? You know that sound? That's what her accent sounds like.
Macalester College
St. Paul, Minnesota
Categories: Animals | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Guys | Minnesota | Sensory experiences | Posted 2010-03-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Unless I'm Just Having a Really Awesome Stroke
Girl to male cat: You're so cute! You smell like bacon... but that's okay.
Lewisville, Texas
Categories: Animals | Compare and contrast | Food | Girls | Sensory experiences | Texas | Posted 2010-03-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
For One Thing, They Haven't Been Bred Into Stupidity
Boy to girl: Do you think a zebra feels like a horse?
Girl to boy, after brief pause: I don't think they really feel like they are horses, I think they know they are different.
Zoo
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Kids Always Get Payback When You Take Them Shopping
Mom to young son: There's a doggie! Do you know what sound a doggie makes?
Son: Mooo.
Mom, distracted by shiny things: Uh-huh. (pause) Hey! Dogs don't say "moo"!
Target
Leominster, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Manda
Categories: Animals | Compare and contrast | Kids | Massachusetts | Moms | Parenting | Posted 2010-03-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...According to Perez.
Small child to father: You're a sad puppy that burps. You're a stinky puppy that's sad... and burps.
Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com
Overheard by: elizabeth
Categories: Animals | Burping & farting | Compare and contrast | Family ties | Overheard in PDX | Should have used a condom | Posted 2010-03-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's a One-Dish Meal!
Little boy, watching killer whale: It's a cow made of fish!
Marineland
Ontario
Canadia
Categories: Animals | Canadia | Compare and contrast | Kids | Posted 2010-03-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Goal Is to Prevent That, Not Hasten It
Son, in dog food aisle: Why don't we buy this one?
Mom: Because he won't eat it.
Son: But it's cheaper!
Mom: And therefore not good for him.
Son: I don't see what the problem is, he'll be dead soon.
Tesco Supermarket
England
Categories: Animals | Death & dying | England | Food | Moms | Shopping | Should have used a condom | Posted 2010-02-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or There'll Be No Peace When You Are Done
Girl #1: I have cows in my head!
Boy: What?
Girl #1: We're playing "Carry on Wayward Son" in orchestra. C-o-w-s.
Boy: Oh.
Girl #2: You really need to tell people that before you tell them you have cows in your head.
St. Joseph High School
Michigan
I'm Just Saying Never Aim Your Junk at a Cat
High school dude #1: It's like bestiality, only you have to make sure you point it the right way.
High school dude #2: Yeah, that shit's important.
Santa Ana, California
Categories: Animals | California | Preppies | Sex | Weirdness | Posted 2010-02-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Even Circumcising Them Is Dicey
Man to wife: The only reason it's an aphrodisiac is because it takes huge balls to cut the penis off a tiger.
Burough Market
London
England
Overheard by: Justyn Egert
Hard to Argue
Four-year-old girl, playing with dinosaurs: Today is the best day ever to eat people!
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Miss Ann
And Maybe Zack Efron Will Win an Academy Award
Seven-year-old child: How do they get sharks into Sea World?
Tutor: I don't know, maybe they use nets.
Seven-year-old child: Maybe a wizard waves a wand and lifts them into the tanks.
Tutor: Maybe.
Gold Coast
Australia
Right in the Seabiscuit
15-year-old girl to friend: And then she tells me, like three weeks later: "You know how I was angry at you? Well, I punched your horse."
School Cafeteria
New Zealand
Categories: Animals | Feelings | New Zealand | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Teens | Violence | Posted 2010-02-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The First Rule Of Play-Date Is...
Girl #1: I just got a betta fish.
Girl #2, way too excited: Oh my gosh, I have one of those! You should bring yours over for a play-date!
Bellingham, Washington
Categories: Animals | Girls | Offers and requests | Washington | Weirdness | Posted 2010-02-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
They're As Thick-Skinned and Adorable As Kardashians
Girlfriend to boyfriend: What I want to know is why the hell people haven't domesticated the rhino yet!
Royal Ontario Museum
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Surprised
Categories: Animals | Canadia | Couples | Questions | Tourist attractions | Posted 2010-02-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Monkey's Paw Is Especially Disturbing
Girl #1: It's just such a gross look, y'know? And she totally didn't have the body for it either. Total crotch octopus.
Girl #2: Crotch octopus?
Girl #1: Yeah, you know. When the fabric clings... and shows all your goodies?
Girl #2: Do you mean camel toe?
Girl #1: Yes! Right! Camel toe! I knew it had something to do with animals and appendages!
Bryn Mawr College
Pennsylvania
Categories: Animals | Clothes | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Girls | Pennsylvania | Stupidity | Vagina | Posted 2010-02-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Squidward Moved to Utah for Religious Reasons
Girl to guy wearing alien-hand gloves: What the hell are those?
Guy: They're my testicles... No! My... My... Test--test... The things that octopuses have!
Girl: Tentacles?
Guy: Yes! Tentacles...
High School
Utah
Overheard by: Weskimo
Our Sex Life Is Gaggleicious
19-year-old girlfriend: You're a silly goose!
19-year-old boyfriend: You are too!
19-year-old girlfriend: That's why we are dating!
Memphis, Tennessee
What Does Martin Short Have to Do with Anything?
Five-year-old boys, in unison, about female lion strutting around: The mamacita is awake! The mamacita is awake!
Harried mother: I said let's not say that word... Let's say "elfman" is awake!"
San Diego Zoo
California
Categories: Animals | California | Kids | Kids | Language barrier | Moms | Parenting | Words | Posted 2010-01-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Cat Owners Totally Sympathize
Yoga instructor to friend: I've always wanted to throw up on a cat.
Berkeley, California
Categories: Animals | California | Friends | Health & Hygiene | Sensory experiences | Teachers | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2010-01-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If You Make Us Sleep in Wood-shavings Again
Guy to girlfriend: Next break I'm going to hug you like a retard squeezing a hamster!
Burnaby
Canadia
Overheard by: Doesn't Like Hamsters Anyway
Are the Two Mutually Exclusive?
Fat effeminate thug: Bitch, are you a daddy's gurl o' you jus' anotha gorilla?
North Hollywood
California
Overheard by: busninja
Categories: Animals | California | Compare and contrast | Fat people | Insults | Questions | Thugs | Posted 2010-01-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'll Stick to My Placenta Face-Cream, Thank You Very Much
Male wedding-goer to female wedding-goer: Oh, you guys work here? Excellent! My sister's husband, oh, I mean my brother-in-law, sells semen. Bull semen.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: best pick-up line ever
Categories: Animals | Cum | Family ties | Jobs & Careers | Overheard in Minneapolis | Strangers | Weirdness | Posted 2010-01-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The New Party Game That's Sweeping Pennsylvania!
Girl to friend: Which would you rather die first, the dog or your dad?
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Animals | Compare and contrast | Death & dying | Family ties | Friends | Girls | Pennsylvania | Questions | Posted 2010-01-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We're Hoping for a Muppet Baby
Middle aged female client: You aren't going to find out the sex? How are you going to know what color to paint the nursery or what kind of baby clothes to get?
Pregnant 30-something hair stylist: Oh, please, like it matters what colors I choose. People aren't going to be wondering if it's a girl or a boy, anyway; they're going to wonder if it's an animal or a baby.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: jenc17
Oh, Tina Turner, We Know.
Hungover girl: Oh my god! Look at my hair, it's a mess! I look like a horse's vagina!
Flight above London
England
Um, What?
Tired restaurant patron: Why would Reese's Pieces put out rhesus monkeys? That's just wrong!
Restaurant
Ocala, Florida
Overheard by: Fully aware restaurant patron
Categories: Animals | Bosses | Candy | Florida | Restaurants | Posted 2010-01-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You're My Bitch
Woman, watching magnificent poodle: Oh my god, that's the most beautiful dog in the world!
Man, wounded: Hey! I'm the most beautiful dog in the world!
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Animals | Beauty | Bringing it back to you | Compare and contrast | Guys | Pennsylvania | Women | Posted 2010-01-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And They Look Suspiciously Like My Uncles
Five-year-old boy: There are moles in my bed that are all named Leroy. They keep me warm.
Eltham
Australia
Overheard by: martinasnape
A Speak & Spell Finally Stepped in and Settled the Matter
Boy #1: Your girlfriend's name is Emily, right?
Boy #2: Kate.
Boy #1, shrugging: They're both animals.
Boy #2, agreeing: Both start with vowels.
Boy #1: What?
Boy #2: What?
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: MaggieB
Ricky Has Yet to Encounter Tentacle Porn
Girl to boy: Yeah, well, I watched Hentai once. I think Japanese people have mammal fetishes because all the girls had four ears, and there seemed to be furry rodents latched onto their vulvae.
Hammondsport, New York
...In a Non-Sexual Way?
Behavioral therapist, in very serious voice, to child with autism about animal crackers: Jason, put the elephant in your mouth!
Child's mother, laughing: How often do you honestly get to say that?
St. John's
Newfoundland
Canadia
Overheard by: aba therapist
Categories: Animals | Canadia | Disabled | Food | Kids | Kids | Medical personnel | Mental illnesses | Moms | Questions | Posted 2009-12-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If You Say "Trouser," This Conversation Is Over.
Girl: I was thrown up on by a snake yesterday.
Friend: What kind of snake?
Subway
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Robbo
Tonight on Graze Anatomy
Little boy to grandmother: My mommy's held a cow brain.
Borders Bookstore
Alameda, California
Overheard by: Lith
Categories: Animals | Body parts | California | Family | Family ties | Kids | Kids | Parenting | Stores | Posted 2009-12-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
He Used to Just Be Known As "R. Kelly"
Girl, about her dog: Yeah... My friends call him "Facefucker."
Guy: What does that even mean?
Girl: It means he fucks faces.
Guy: Oh.
Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com
Overheard by: lauren
Categories: Animals | Body parts | Girls | Guys | Names | Overheard in PDX | Sex | Posted 2009-12-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It'll Keep Your Mother-in-Law Amused for Hours
Woman: Well, they tie the sheep up to a stake and use it as bait.
Man: Really?
Woman: Yeah, just tie it on up and you're set...
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Bait for what?
Categories: Advice | Animals | California | Friends | Posted 2009-12-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
In the Same Way We Fail to Feel Bad for Cher
Coworker, on animal testing: I just can't feel bad for lab rats, cause they're man-made.
Friend: Seriously, dude.
Winter Park, Florida
Overheard by: Cassie
Worst. Walk Of Shame. Ever.
Dude: How did I get dog food in my screw hole?
Tucson, Arizona
At the Pachydermatologists' Convention
Scruffy, hurried foreman with clipboard, on Bluetooth: It's the elephants. You've got to dial in the elephants. It's interfering with your microphone!
Financial District
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: PerplexedPachyderm
It Was More Like Milking the Bull
Drunk girl: I thought the first time I had sex it would be like milking a cow. You know: squirt, squirt, squirt... a little at a time.
Kingston
Ontario
Canadia
Dream Big, Kids.
Girl: I want a squirrel.
Friend: I want a cheeseburger.
UT
Austin, Texas
Ever Been to the U.S., Suzy?
Psych class guy: Dolphins are the second smartest animal.
Psych class girl: What's the smartest?
Psych class guy: Humans.
Psych class girl: Wait, humans are animals?
Psych class guy: Yep.
Psych class girl: Really?
Psych class guy: For real.
Hamilton
Canadia
Overheard by: Jayme
I'm Still Not Having Your Baby, Curtis
Large black male student to tiny white female student: Stretch marks are awesome! They make you look like a tiger! (makes tiger claw gesture) Raaar!
High School
Lincoln Park, Michigan
Overheard by: The teacher
Categories: Animals | Black people | Compare and contrast | Fat people | Health & Hygiene | Michigan | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Students | Whiteys | Posted 2009-11-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...So, No-- I'd Just Cheat on You with One.
Girlfriend: Would you ever date a playboy bunny?
Boyfriend, after long pause: I feel like this is a trap.
UMass Dorm
Amherst, Massachusetts
Categories: Animals | Couples | Massachusetts | Questions | Relationships | Weirdness | Posted 2009-11-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Country?
Girl #1: Remember that time you chased the porcupine?
Girl #2: Yeah. It was so cute, I just wanted to pet it.
Girl #1: And remember when you tried to run that bullfrog over?
Girl #2: That's because I don't like animals that aren't furry.
Girl #1: What about the porcupine? He's not furry.
Girl #2: But porcupines have feathers, so they count.
Girl #1: Porcupines don't have feathers.
Girl #2: Yes, they do.
Girl #1: They have quills.
Girl #2: Oh! When you were saying "porcupine" I thought you meant "turkey."
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: Jade
Like a Tapir?
Cashier: I never noticed before, but you look like a meerkat.
Customer: Is that another Pokemon?
Yarmouth, Maine
Overheard by: Jade
And She Didn't Even Know Its Name
Guy to others: I heard she once open-mouth kissed a horse.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: walking down the hall.
Categories: Animals | Gossip | Guys | K-I-S-S-I-N-G | Overheard in Minneapolis | Weirdness | Posted 2009-11-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...And She Raised Them As Her Own.
Staff man: Yeah, she was freaking out. But the mouse had some babies before it passed...
Warped Tour
Columbia, Maryland
Um, the One Where They Talk?
Teen girl #1: Do you think they have those other elephants here? You know, the old hairy ones?
Teen girl #2: Mammoths? No, I don't think they do. Aren't they extinct?
Teen girl #1: No, I'm pretty sure they have them at the Werribee zoo. Well, they were on that cartoon, with all the ice.
Zoo
Australia
Overheard by: Brydee
The Two Major Facets Of Life at the Playboy Mansion
Pissed-off teen: You can't get a bowl of salad but you can wash the dog naked?
Harrison, Michigan
Overheard by: Lauren
Categories: Animals | Cleanliness | Compare and contrast | Food | Michigan | Questions | Teens | Posted 2009-11-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Promise the Social Worker Isn't Watching
Oblivious 12-year-old in pool, surrounded by floaty toys: Hey, hold my noodle while I mount this whale.
Victoria
Canadia
Everyone Deserves at Least One Brush with Greatness
Woman, searching through bargain bin: Do you want this? This woman taught at Bennington!
Girl: Dude, that's old! She teaches at my school now. Her son was in my class. His lab puppy shat on dreadlock, girl!
Borders
Mansfield, Massachusetts
Categories: Animals | Education | Girls | Massachusetts | Offers and requests | Poop | Stores | Women | Posted 2009-11-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Tell Their Pimp What You're Into, and Find Out.
Guy in jumper: What do hermit crabs actually do?
Pet Shop
Australia
Overheard by: Stunned
If They Nag, You Can Shoot 'em
Clerk: I love women. The only thing prettier than a woman is a deer.
Post Office
South Burlington, Vermont
Overheard by: Sweenan A. Mornstuy
Categories: Animals | Beauty | Compare and contrast | Employees | Gender issues | Post offices | Vermont | Posted 2009-11-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Because You Ate Them?
Man beside pen with goat: I am not paying that much for that! I am not buying your goat!
Goatkeeper: Nobody's buying the goat.
Man beside pen with goat: That's it, I'm taking the goat!
Goatkeeper: Nobody's taking the goat, we're not selling the goat!
Large passerby: There are no goats in Cameroon.
Toronto
Canadia
...Science à L'Orange
Professor #1: There are other people here who put stuff up ducks' butts.
Professor #2: Yeah, but you do it for science!
Fairbanks, Alaska
Overheard by: Lowlie Worm
Terrible Mileage
Guy to friend: Yeah, I don't know what's wrong with it, but my hamster just isn't working right.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Not-at-all 21
Categories: Animals | Friends | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Pennsylvania | Posted 2009-10-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Which Brings Me to Today's Lab Assignment
Professor: Sponges can regenerate from the broken pieces. If you put a sponge through a mincing machine, you just get lots of little sponges. If you put a cow through, you get mince. If you put a person through, you get arrested.
Rhodes University
South Africa
Overheard by: Amused Zoology Student
Categories: Africa | Animals | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Crimes | Murder | Science | Teachers | Posted 2009-10-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Portrait Of the Sound-Effects Guy As a Young Man
Biology teacher: Parvo disease is a disease in mammals that can be fatal; squirrels, cats and dogs can all get it.
Kid, whispering quietly to himself: Ruff! Ruff ruff! Kaboom!
Florida
According to Mom's New Boyfriend
Six-year-old girl at the zoo: (drops French fries one by one)
Dad: Why are you dropping French fries?
Six-year-old girl: To feed them!
Dad: No one wants your old French fries.
Six-year-old girl: You're an old French fry!
Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com
Overheard by: Dave
You're a Burkoff, Dad
Little Girl: Look Dad, a buhraff.
Dad: That's "giraffe"--juh, juh, juh.
Little Girl, looking confused: Buhraff! Juh, juh, juh.
Zoo
St. Louis, Missouri
That Would've Been Great Fodder for Our Dr. Phil Appearance
Teen girl: My brother got released from the loony bin today. Same day as he got a new roommate, who kills animals and has an extra Y chromosome. I'm like, "Goddamn!"
Highlands Ranch, Colorado
Categories: Animals | Colorado | Health & Hygiene | Mental illnesses | Murder | Teens | Weirdness | Posted 2009-10-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Thank God Babies Come Housebroken.
20-something pregnant girl to baby daddy: I don't think we can handle a pet.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: babies are way easier.
I Was Just Pointing Out That Most Dogs Don't Have Their Own Bathtubs
Drunk JAP, yelling at boyfriend: I can't deal with your shit anymore! You don't respect me, you ridicule me in front of my friends. You tell me my dog doesn't deserve to live in a house as big as mine! I don't want to live like this!
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Jill and Weenie
Um, Have You Seen It Pole Dance??
Giggly blonde teen: Ew, you know bestiality is illegal, right?
Giggly brunette teen: It wasn't bestiality!
Giggly blonde teen: And yet you know that your cat is good in bed?
Ontario
Canadia
...And It Fulfills Your Science Requirement?
College freshman girl: Wait... wait... Dinosaurs and vaginas!? (pause) Oh, now I get it!
Olympia, Washington
Overheard by: prefers dinosaurs
Categories: Animals | Questions | Students | Vagina | Washington | Posted 2009-10-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...So Quit Being Such a Pussy.
Greaser guy holding kitten: Who's a kitty? You's a kitty! Who's a kitty? You's a kitty! Who's a kitty? You's a kitty!
Punk girl: I think he knows he's a kitty.
Bakersfield, California
Dad's the Other White Meat.
Girl #1: So my mother says our dog is her "little sausage," so she's started calling him "pork sword."
Girl #2, laughing: That's got to be awkward!
Girl #1: Tell me about it! The other day my boyfriend thought she was yelling for my dad.
Cape Town
South Africa
Preparing Me for the Cattiness Of Academia
Statistics teacher: There is a correlation between cats and happiness. Cats make people happy. But not all cats. I still have nightmares about some cats. When I was a little girl, there was this cat, Greta, who lived outdoors. I wanted to pet her, but she scratched up my whole arm and got her claws into my protoplasm!
Atlanta, Georgia
Categories: Animals | Body parts | Georgia | Happiness | Kids | Memory lane | Teachers | Violence | Wishes | Posted 2009-10-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Name It "Suri Cruise"?
Girl during evolution lab in biology: So, humans came from monkeys, right? So, if two monkeys had a baby and it was a human, like, what would we do with it?
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: we would name it tarzan.
I Blame the Obamas!
Student #1: The professor wanted us to list our ten favorite books.
Student #2: So?
Student #1: All I could think of was "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie."
East Carolina University
Greenville, North Carolina
Categories: Animals | Books | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Education | Food | North Carolina | Students | Stupidity | Wishes | Posted 2009-09-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
A Damsel in Distress Can Count on a Guy Peeing on Her
Teen girl #1: I wish a jellyfish would sting me so some handsome guy would run along the beach, whip out his dick and pee on me.
Teen girl #2: What?
Teen girl #1: To neutralize the sting, dumbass.
Teen girl #2: I know that. But still: what?
Carleton University
Ottawa
Canadia
And They Love Drinking Out Of Coke Bottles
Mother to young son: The sign says that polar bears are carnivores. That means they eat mostly plants, but will eat meat when they can find it.
Henry Vilas Zoo
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: weeping for the future
Raise Your Hand If You're Married to Her
Woman, looking at exhibit containing jellyfish: But where are their brains? Where do you think their brains are? Where would they keep their brains? Where are the brains? Where are their brains? The brains? Where do you think they keep the brains? Huh... I wonder where their brains are?
Aquarium
North Carolina
Overheard by: Kellllyyyyy
Categories: Animals | Body parts | North Carolina | Questions | Women | Posted 2009-09-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Like Many Of My Students, Strangely Enough.
Science professor: This is plastic deformation, like what happens to those baby-seal catchers. You know, the plastic that comes around soda cans? Sometimes you catch penguins too, but those are much harder--they run really fast, and they have no regard for their bodies. They just throw themselves off cliffs.
Boston University
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Animals | Birds | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Education | Health & Hygiene | Questions | Science | Teachers | Posted 2009-09-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Yet You Divorced Your Third Husband for Peeing in Your Shoes?
Woman on cell: I've been through many husbands, but the dog has been with me for 14 years! Men can be replaced but the dog stays!
Bellingham, Washington
Overheard by: sara
Categories: Animals | Compare and contrast | Feelings | On the phone | Relationships | Time Management | Washington | Women | Posted 2009-09-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Thought You Didn't Want To?
Mom to toddler girl: What fish should we get today? Salmon or tilapia or flounder?
Toddler girl: Is that "flounder" like in Little Mermaid?
Mom: Well, it's a fish, like flounder was.
Toddler girl: I want to eat flounder! Let's cook him. Mommy, can we eat Nemo too?
Costco
Fairfax, Virginia
That, or the Mescaline Is Finally Kicking In.
Man with Mohawk on cell: Okay, so I'm not technically the father but there are 27 baby boa constrictors over here that all have Mohawks.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: cgt
Categories: Animals | Family ties | Guys | Hair | Illinois | On the phone | Parenting | Posted 2009-09-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How Do They Procreate?
Girl: The squid's like an octopus, don't you think?
Older woman: There's no pussy about it.
Birmingham
England
Overheard by: Helz