Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | Topics

Roman Polanski's Legacy

Drunken, nostalgic girl #1: So, did you guys end up getting anywhere?
Drunken, nostalgic girl #2: No, I was thirteen!
Drunken, nostalgic girl #1: Yeah, but you didn't do anything? Like, not even touch his dick?
Drunken, nostalgic girl #2: I don't know, I was drunk!

Vincennes, Indiana

Overheard by: 202 Tavern Girl

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From Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Giving Head

Girl #1: Well, you know she gave that guy a blow job when three other people were in the room. Someone was bound to find out.
Girl #2: I've never even done it in front of people.
Girl #1: Me either, I'm not that slutty.
Younger girl with them: Oh, guess just me then?
Girl #1: You gave someone a blowjob with people watching?!
Younger girl: Uh, yeah. Back when I was 15 and drunk.
Girl #1: I'm your aunt: should you really have told me that, McSlutty?

Park
San Diego, California

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Unless I Can Have Someone Holding the Train Like a Bridesmaid

Old lady: I've lived with my body my whole life, but I don't want it down around my ankles.

Women's Gym
Studio City, California

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Lady, You Live in the Wrong Fucking State

Older woman working out with personal trainer: I'm almost 70 years old. Ask me how much I care how I look. I don't even have a mirror in my bathroom. I was just interested in a chemical peel. They wanted to roll my skin up over my head, take out the fat, then roll it down again, not to mention take out my liver and kidney. And the woman that's dragging me around to this stuff? She's a gusher. I hate gushers. She says: "We'll go through this together". She says: "Ask the gods." Can you imagine me asking the gods for a facelift? What blasphemy. She says: "Tell me about yourself". I say: "You mean the heroin addiction?" She says: "Really?" I say: "Yeah, it was after my two daughters were born, when I started robbing banks to support us." Honestly, everything has to be so sordid before someone will listen to you. You have to have an incestuous affair or something. When in reality, I work all day, then come home and watch TV like the rest of the human race.

Women's gym
Studio City, California

Overheard by: Trying not to howl with laughter

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Really? Now All I Have to Do Is Master Shot Callin' and I Can Die Happy!

Teen cashier at checkout: Are you listening to music on an iPod?
Geriatric customer: It's an iPhone.
Teen cashier: Dude, you're ballin'.

Columbus, Indiana

Overheard by: Hoosier

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Oh, and Death. And Taxes

20-something #1: Yeah, see, that's our problem: These girls are pushing 30 and their biological clocks are going off and all that.
20-something #2: Well, that wasn't my problem before, she was 23 when I started dating her.
20-something #1 (thoughtfully): Yeah... that's our other problem: time.

Airplane between Detroit and Las Vegas

Overheard by: ncs

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You Laugh, But He Has Poisoned Darts in His Backpack

Seven-year-old little boy staring at a little old lady with white hair: You're going to die!

Hilander
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Koosa

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Chyna's a Great Role Model for Girls

Seven-year-old girl: Mom, when I grow up I wanna be big and beautiful.
Mom: What?
Seven-year-old girl: You heard me, big and beautiful!

Target, Connecticut

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Whereas Elizabeth Taylor Will Turn Into Delicious Pudding

Professor: One day you'll wake up an old weathered hag, unless you're Cher--she'll just turn to dust one day when the sun hits her.

McDaniel College
Maryland

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Wanna See Some Wallet Photos from the Huffing Years?

Girl#1: I mean, my parents have no money now. Dad lost it in his "snort" phase.
Girl#2: My mom had that phase, but now she's just into the "prescription" phase.
Girl#3: That's a great phase.

Banana Republic
Kitchener
Canada

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Drugging Miss Daisy

Old white lady, leaving table with a flourish: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to the bathroom to shoot up.

Lemongrass
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Loves Her Some Thai Food

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

By 35, She Was Already Set in Her Ways

Goateed gentleman: I tried to teach her that certain words for things were different, like that toothpaste was actually "poop," but I think I waited until she was a bit too old.

Mars Volta Concert, Rams Head Live
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Greeg

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Out of What?

Five-year-old boy: How old are you?
Tutor: Twenty.
Five-year-old boy: Yeah, well, do you know how to make a monkey?

Dallas, Texas

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

How Jessie Got Us Arrested

[Three intoxicated college girls are walking along the street. One trips, falls, and all three laugh hysterically. An unmarked police van passes by]
Cop, yelling out of the window: Looks like three underage drinking tickets right there!
Girl #1: We're all 21!
Cop: Well, it looks like you're 4!
Girl #2: Looks like you're 37 and looking for a boyfriend!

Madison, Wisconsin

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Then Whose Funeral Was I Just Attending?

70-something woman to 80-something woman: Oh hello, so you're still alive?!

Wloclawek
Poland

Overheard by: renia

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Still, It's a Violation of the Standard Creepiness Rule for Dating Age Differences

20-something #1: Your boyfriend is 61, right?
20-something #2: My boyfriend is 60. Our father is 61.

Colorado

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Do I Have to Rationalize for Everyone in This Family?

Fat kid: Mom, I wanna go on a diet.
Fat mom: You don't need to go on a diet, you're too young!
Fat kid: You aren't too young.
Fat mom: Shush.

Meat Section at Publix
Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: Trevor Allen

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

She Escaped from the Closet and Alerted Red Riding Hood

Fat suit on cell: Damn that grandma!

Russell Square Station
London
England

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You'll Understand Why Santa's Fighting Him

Economics professor, suddenly, in a creepy voice: Noooo you may not! Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills! [Continuing in normal voice.] No? Anybody? No? Shame on you all! Just wait a few more years and you'll get what I'm talking about and you will be so pleased.

Tufts University
Massachusetts

Overheard by: Adrian

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I Was Going to Say, "Masturbate to Climax"

History prof: Benjamin Harrison was a pretty boring guy, with all the personality of a statue...I'm sure he couldn't even...
[Class snickers.]
History prof: Oh god, you fricken teenagers, you drag everything into the gutter!

Colorado University
Boulder, Colorado

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

... With My Girlfriend

Guy: Dude, I'm totally getting sexiled by my pre-frosh tonight.

Duke University
Durham, North Carolina

Overheard by: Blue Devils

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Since Barenaked Ladies Was Already Taken

Twenty-something dude: When I grow up, and learn how to play an instrument, I'm calling my band he-gina and she-nis.

McKenna's
Baltimore, Maryland

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Why Viagra Is So Popular

Woman: Wood is like money to old people.

Maryland Farms
Brentwood, Tennessee

Overheard by: FACT.

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

If They've Been Naughty, Santa Brings Them Small Penises.

Female college student: Do boys still really have cooties at thirteen?
Male college student: Nope. That's when they get penises.

Tempe, Arizona

Overheard by: Meghan

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...Once I Ran Out of Poop

Daughter: Mommy, mommy, that dress makes you look sixteen years younger!
[Later]
Daughter: Mommy, if you were stranded in the desert without any water, what would you do?
Mother: [No response].
Daughter: [to little sister] I would eat my own blood.

Old Navy
Promenade Mall, California

Overheard by: Claustrophobic

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

It's No Country for Old Women, Either

Middle aged woman to another: It's not the hot flashes that are so bad... It's the depression.

BeauJo's
Ft. Collins, Colorado

Overheard by: always listening

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Or Should We Cut to the Chase and Snort Some Lines?

Six-year-old girl to six-year old boy: Do you want to get a coffee?

Barnes & Noble
Plainfield, Illinois

Overheard by: Tdcompton

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Taught Me the "White Elephant"

College guy: I went to sleep-away camp so long ago my counselor was Jesus Christ!

University of Rochester
Rochester, New York

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Whatever You Say, Latonya

Woman in line to another: Yeah, my brother's birthday is tomorrow. He's Aryan.

Wal-Mart
Tracy, California

Overheard by: Jeff

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Called Him Jonah

Crackhead lady: I was raised on McDonald's hamburgers until one day I puked up a fish!

McDonald's
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia

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That Is All the Government Has Allowed Me to Tell You

Health teacher to class: When you become more adult-like, you start to be more like an adult.

Roanoke, Virginia

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The Operative Phrase Here Is "Tried As an Adult"

Teen boy #1: Wow, she's hot.
Teen boy #2: What? She's, like, ten! You're a pedophile!
Teen boy #1: I'm not a pedophile -- I'm only sixteen! You can't be a pedophile until you're eighteen.
Teen boy #3: That's right -- I'm the only pedophile here.
Teen boy #4: I'm almost a pedophile...

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: mikee

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