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...While You're Working As a Mall Santa.
Husband: I'm good at finding little kids' panties.
Wife: That's not a quality that you should announce.
Jersey City, New Jersey
Categories: Advice | Bragging | Couples | New Jersey | Undies | Posted 2011-07-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Women Sure Know How to Dick Around.
Woman #1, standing over large dropped box on floor: Ugh, I dropped it.
Woman #2: That's it! Straddle it, you'll get it.
Woman #1: I can never get it up.
Target
North Charleston, South Carolina
Overheard by: Chris M
Categories: Advice | Character | South Carolina | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2011-07-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Montana But Were Afraid to Ask
Woman to kids, after explaining the basic importance of voting: And remember... We always vote Republican because the Democrats are godless.
Voting Line
Bozeman, Montana
Overheard by: Justin
If You Get Your Stomach Pumped, You Can Write All About That in Your Essay
Girl to guy: You shouldn't be worried about getting into med school. You should be, like, worried about getting alcohol poisoning over the weekend.
Shout-out: www.overheardatmcgill.com
Overheard by: Brent
Categories: Advice | Drinking & drunks | Education | Girls | Overheard at McGill | Posted 2011-06-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's Just Crazy Enough to Work!
Drunk guy: Yeah, well, you could spunk on her face, then lick your jizz off her dreadlocks.
Pub
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
The Old Testament God Rides the MTA With His Mom
Eight-year-old boy: Mommy... I can't wait for my day of vengeance to be at hand.
Mother: I know he's unlikable, but there are quieter ways.
Eight-year-old boy, wielding stick in hand: I wanna use this.
Mother: He'll shush up if you put a bow and arrow through his eye.
MTA
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: PatriotAhckt
It Said It Needed a Witness for the Lawsuit
Girl to friend going back into lecture hall: But it's just a pen, Kelly!
Friend: I just wanna see where it fell!
Toronto
Canadia
I Don't Think I Like This Party Game.
Drunk girl: But the whole point is to avoid Aids!
Michigan State University
Categories: Advice | Drunks | Michigan | Philosophy | STDs | Posted 2011-06-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Since Writing Messages in Blood on His Mirror Doesn't Seem to Be Doing the Trick
Girl #1: Oh, whose car do you think it is? Maybe it's his!
Girl #2: Don't hit it!
Girl #1: Or maybe I should. Give us something to talk about. Hey, remember that time I totaled your car?
Saint Joseph's University
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Advice | Girls | Pennsylvania | Questions | Weirdness | Posted 2011-05-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...As We Learned at Basic Training.
Marine: Don't waste good Fun Dip! That's like slapping Jesus in the face!
Camp Leatherneck
Afghanistan
Overheard by: Justus
Categories: Advice | Food | Jesus | Middle East | Military | Posted 2011-05-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Wasn't That the Title Of a Judy Blume Book?
Young bearded hipster to college girl: They keep telling me anal bleaching is the way to go, but do girls really notice that stuff?
Manhattan, New York
You Only Think Threesomes Are Exciting, 'til You Encounter One.
Bearded man, teaching math: ...which is gonna give you nine over nine over four, which is horribly ugly. Does that terrify you greatly? It should.
UW Rock County
Janesville, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Akuaku
Even If You Do Look Adorable in Communist Colors
Guy on phone: Look, now that you're an American you can't be doing that kind of stuff...
University of Central Florida
Overheard by: Michelle
That's Your Answer to Everything
Man #1, after hurricane: I'm trying to decide if I should hook up my freezer to the generator or wait a while longer.
Man #2: Well, squeeze your meat, and see if it's hard.
Houston, Texas
I Thought You Said Your Family Was Functional?
Math professor #1: Don't derive like my brother.
Math professor #2: No, don't derive like my brother!
Northampton, Massachusetts
Overheard by: TARDIS Dyke
Categories: Advice | Education | Family ties | Massachusetts | Teachers | Posted 2011-05-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...According to the Latest Edition Of Chicken Soup for the Canadian Soul.
Guy to another: Running naked with a sword is just not a good idea.
Guelph
Canadia
Categories: Advice | Canadia | Guys | Philosophy | Weirdness | Posted 2011-05-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Sarah Really Knows How to Push Her Own Buttons.
Self-centered bimbo to another: I love texting myself, but I told myself: "let me see if I can hold off doing that til Sunday, to see if I can live alone."
Mamaroneck, New York
Categories: Advice | Bimbettes | New York | Stupidity | Technology | Posted 2011-05-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'll Barely Have Time to Throw a Fuck Into You
Guy holding another in headlock and punching him in the face, shouting across road to immensely fat girlfriend: Charl! Get that fucking taxi! We gotta get home or the babysitter'll want extra pay.
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
...If You Ever Want a Seat in the House Of Commons
Exasperated-sounding woman to small child: If you're not gonna cry properly, then don't cry at all.
Shout-out: www.violaraptor.co.uk
Overheard by: Raptor
You Want Us to Go Home and Change?!
Super drunk girls to random dude passing by: Could you take our picture?
Random dude: Sure, no problem! (pause) Three... Two... But try not to look too whorish...
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Offended on their behalf
Categories: Advice | Compliments | Drinking & drunks | Offers and requests | Washington | Posted 2011-04-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's So Convenient for My Court Appearances
Young thug #1: I'm telling you, man, if they get you for jaywalking or littering down here, they just dismiss it.
Young thug #2: Really?
Young thug #1: Yeah, man, the homeless do it all the time.
Young thug #2: Man...
Young thug #1: I'm telling you. That's why I stay downtown.
Elevator
Los Angeles Superior Court
California
Overheard by: Mylinda
Categories: Advice | California | Crimes | Philosophy | Thugs | Posted 2011-04-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...You're Always Lookin' Out for Me, Grandma!
Drunk 20-something, yelling in a crowd: Because I am a grad student and I don't do anything!
Older woman: You know there are some attractive young men over by the band.
Drunk 20-something: Well, I do do that.
Cincinnati, Ohio
Why Do They Let Great White Sharks Shop Here?
Mum to small son: Stay with mummy or someone might take you.
Son, very excitedly: And eat me?
Target
Australia
That's Not a Nice Way to Talk About the Bravo Network.
Eight-year-old boy to eight-year-old girl: You have to go to college! Otherwise you'll have to work in the poop factory!
Eight-year-old girl: There's no such thing as the poop factory!
Six-year-old brother: Yes there is! Remember?
Portland, Oregon
Even Though They Put the "Ass" in Potassium?
Guy: I'm going to sneeze!
Girl, getting in his face: Think about bananas! Think about bananas! You won't sneeze.
Religion professor: Just like thinking about bananas won't get you pregnant...
College
Rock Island, Illinois
Overheard by: I like bananas....
The Right Tool for the Job, and So Forth
Roller girl: So you either need a lesbian or a bearing press.
Yonkers, New York
Is That a Baby Bird in Your Bangs?
30-something #1: Last night I was brushing my hair, cause you know I haven't owned a hair brush in a year... And all these sticks and grass and dirt kept falling out.
30-something #2: You are a dirty hippie, you need to use some soap!
30-something #1: I don't like labels, man. I don't have soap.
30-something #2: True, man, labels are whack. But dude, you smell.
Hostel
New Mexico
Overheard by: Alex
Categories: Advice | Guys | Health & Hygiene | New Mexico | Sensory experiences | Posted 2011-01-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Advertised As Used Bicycles
Cab driver, ending phone call: That's why you never marry a chick that'll swallow for an extra $20. Can't believe people like that are on Craigslist!
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Advice | BJs | Massachusetts | On the phone | Relationships | Posted 2011-01-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Stupid SPCA
20-something to another: If you want to sacrifice a horse, do it in your backyard.
Metro State College of Denver
Denver, Colorado
You Always Know Just What to Say.
Boyfriend, quietly to girlfriend: You put the lime in the coconut, and dunk your balls in.
Dupont Circle
Washington, DC
Categories: Advice | Couples | Fruit | Washington | Weirdness | Posted 2010-12-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
At Which Point You're Supposed to Make a Wish
Thug in shadows: But when you pee on a rock it bounces back at you!
Ridgewood, New Jersey
Meet Berkeley's Best Improvisational Lear
Furious hobo in tie-dye to frightened college student: You know why girls wear perfume and makeup? Because they're ugly and they stink! God bless you.
Berkeley, California
Categories: Advice | California | Health & Hygiene | Homeless | Questions | Students | Posted 2010-11-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Steroids? Discuss.
Old sweaty guy to gym owner: Bob*, did you know there's something wrong with one of your balls?
Gym owner: Which one?
Old sweaty guy: The little blue one. It's half deflated.
Gym owner: Oh, that one. It's always had problems. People keep doing stupid things with it.
Gym
Blue Mountains
Australia
Categories: Advice | Australia | Gym rats | Health & Hygiene | Stupidity | Posted 2010-11-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Can You Hear Me Now??
Man, hitting himself in the head with cell phone: I'm not giving you your fuckin' phone back until you fuckin' go to your fuckin' psychiatrist and take your fuckin' pills!
Woman: Give me my phone.
Man: I'll smash your phone on my head!
Woman: Give me my phone!
Man: Go to your fuckin' psychiatrist! Get your fuckin' pills!
Toronto
Canadia
...But Isn't That Why I'm Here?
Cheerful student: Cheer up! It's going to be okay.
Glum professor: Says who? You?
Cheerful student: Yes!
Glum professor: But you don't know anything.
Cheerful student: True!
UC Berkeley School of Journalism
California
Your Editors Have Started to Hyperventilate
Upset girl to friend: Everything's not the way it should be, it's all wrong. I fail at life.
Friend: Oh, no, you don't fail at life! This is just one of those little things you will fix, along with other things you will fix, and in the end, you'll end up with a pile of little fixed things.
Christchurch
New Zealand
Overheard by: Julia
Categories: Advice | Chicks | Comebacks | Compliments | Feelings | New Zealand | Posted 2010-11-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Even You with Your Thunder Thighs, Zeus.
College girl to friend: the nice thing about a toga is that you don't have to wear Spanx with it.
Metro State College of Denver
Denver, Colorado
Categories: Advice | Beauty | Colleges & Universities | Sorority types | Undies | Posted 2010-11-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Further Evidence That Malls Cause Gayness
Dude to two other dudes: I wouldn't just suck on the tip of it.
Downtown Mall
Charlottesville, Virginia
Overheard by: browny
Make the Solution Come to You
Nursing lab instructor: You don't go down when you're suctioning.
College
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Yoshi
Categories: Advice | Maladies | Massachusetts | Nurses | Words | Posted 2010-11-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's the Code Of the West
Teen girl to teen friends in checkout line bumping into each other: Stop it, you guys, this isn't the Dollar Store, we're in Wal-Mart, you gotta act classy!
Wal-Mart
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: Shawna
I'm All, "Fuck the Planet, Let's Party!"
Guy: Trust me, I'm a gay scientist!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
Laser Pointers Are for Girls!
Australian lecturer: Nakedness wasn't good until now. Now it's great.
College
Portland, Oregon
Categories: Advice | Body parts | Oregon | Sensory experiences | Teachers | Posted 2010-10-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Stacy London Was a Challenging Kid to Raise
Woman to husband: Honey, do you think this would be a good fall coat for me?
Five-year-old daughter: It looks like an old-fashioned coat.
Woman: I knew you were gonna say that!
Five-year-old: A young lady like you shouldn't wear such an old-fashioned coat!
Target
Allen Park, Michigan
Kim Jong-il: "Wait, What?"
16-year-old male in office waiting room, to friend: You can't just solve all your problems by causing a nuclear holocaust, man!
Whatcom Community College
Bellingham, Washington
Overheard by: littlegirlmonkey
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Friends | Teens | Violence | Washington | Posted 2010-09-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But at Least You're Cheating Well.
Busy-looking female suit on cell: Face it, Carol, you just didn't marry well.
Upstate New York
Categories: Advice | Family ties | New York | On the phone | Relationships | Suits | Posted 2010-09-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
As the Palestinians Keep Telling the Israelis
Dad to eight-year-old son: Well, stop giving people wedgies and they'll stop throwing rocks at you.
Edmonton
Canadia
Overheard by: Christina M.
That's What You Said Outside That Jonas Brothers Concert!
Girl to friend, after unsuccessfully trying to open locked front doors: Maybe they'll let us in if we bang hard enough.
High School
San Francisco, California
Categories: Advice | Friends | Girls | San Francisco | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Weirdness | Posted 2010-07-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...With a Three-Valium Chaser?
Posh-sounding, punk-looking 20-year-old girl on cell: You want to kill yourself? Oh. Have you tried having a having cup of tea?
London
England
Overheard by: Richard
You Can't Shame Me Into the Army
College guy: I'm scared!
College girl: Just do it!
College guy: No, I'm scared!
College girl: Be a man!
College guy: I don't wanna!
Salisbury, Maryland
Guess Who's Had a Little Too Much Caffeine?
Guy: I'm not exactly awake yet. Hence the espresso. (holds up cup)
Girl: Oh, you should pour it all over yourself!
Guy: I think that would be contrary to waking up.
Girl: No, no. You'd absorb the caffeine into your skin, and you'd become Awake Man! And your arch-nemesis would be the Sandman, and... and... stuff.
Saint Peter's College
New Jersey
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Food | Girls | Guys | New Jersey | Sensory experiences | Weirdness | Posted 2010-06-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Perhaps Buy a Special Bra.
Girl to friends: Mine is, like, nubby!
Friend: You should probably get that checked out...
Culver, Indiana
Categories: Advice | Friends | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Indiana | Posted 2010-06-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Think Of It Like That Marijuana You Have in Your Desk
Teenage girl in the middle of high school hallway: Hold on to your virginity, Kaylee! Hold on to it, and never let it go!
Edmonton
Canadia
Categories: Advice | Canadia | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Teens | Virginity | Posted 2010-06-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
As Seen in Little People, Big Bummer
Very tall boy on Taipei subway: You don't need to diet, you need to grow taller.
Very short girl: I would if I could.
Very tall boy: Do you want to go to the concert?
Very short girl: I don't go to concerts.
Very tall boy: Why not?
Very short girl: I can never see anything.
Shout-out: talovich.blogspot.com
Overheard by: Yugan Dali
Categories: Advice | Diet & weight | Girls | Guys | Other sites | Taiwan | Wishes | Posted 2010-06-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Although You're Kind Of Taking the Choice Out Of My Hands Right Now.
40-something pant suit lady #1: I've been trying to cut back on my calories.
40-something pant suit lady #2: Well, you should try...
40-something pant suit lady #3, interrupting: You should try eating a lot of fruit.
40-something pant suit lady #1: Yeah, that sounds like a great idea, my friend told me about...
40-something pant suit lady #2, interrupting: No one ever listens to me! You're always ignoring what I'm saying, and I have a lot of good things to say. (turns to 20-something male at next table) You would listen to me wouldn't you?
20-something male, looking annoyed: No.
Panera
Norfolk, Virginia
Overheard by: Sweedie
...So I Take Drugs
Guy: You've got to listen to your body.
Gal: But my body's such a whiny bitch.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Stephan Zielinski
Categories: Advice | Body parts | Girls | Guys | Insults | San Francisco | Posted 2010-05-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Cinderella's Spiteful Stepsister Would Soon Eat Her Words
Woman to friend: That would never happen. Not even in a fairytale you wrote your goddamn self would that happen.
Buffalo, New York
Categories: Advice | Compare and contrast | New York | Women | Posted 2010-04-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The World's Shortest Infant-Care Book
Tan, blonde, 40-something woman: Just stick 'em on your nipples, it'll be okay.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: perplexed chai drinker
Categories: Advice | Nipples | Overheard in Minneapolis | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2010-04-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We Imagine Steve Martin in This Role
Dentist instructing dental students: And if it's your first time doing a certain procedure, don't tell the patient. Just do it without them knowing it's your first time. Don't ask them, 'cause they'll probably say no. It's just easier for everyone. (awkward pause) Am I the only one that does that?
Queensland
Australia
And Leave Show Business?
Girl: My stomach hurts...
Guy: Maybe you should stop having so much butt sex.
Jersey City, New Jersey
Categories: Advice | Backdoor | Girls | Guys | Health & Hygiene | New Jersey | Stomach | Posted 2010-03-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Life Is Sweet; Don't Fuck It Up
Professor: No drinking and driving this weekend! No drugs! ...and no babies.
Ball State University
Muncie, Indiana
Overheard by: Sara
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Drinking & drunks | Drugs | Indiana | Pregnancy | Sex | Teachers | Posted 2010-02-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Tonight on Ask Nurse Ninja
Woman on cell: You know what you should do? You should punch her in the temple. (pause) Well, you need to punch her in the temple so you can resolve this in a professional manner.
MARTA Train
Atlanta, Georgia
Categories: Advice | Body parts | Georgia | On the phone | Train | Violence | Women | Posted 2010-02-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
My Kidneys Will Take That Under Advisement
Man: You don't need that booze!
Woman: I know, but I'm getting it.
Man: Just don't drink the fun out of it.
Edwardsville, Illinois
Overheard by: M
Categories: Advice | Drinking & drunks | Illinois | Women | Posted 2010-02-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
A Man Needs a Cool Head to Eat at Denny's
Cowboy #1, in cowboy dialect: One thing I can tell you, if one of them bites you on the lip, don't panic. Just wait till it starts to let go and then push it off of you.
Cowboy #2: You know, that's right.
Denny's
Willcox, Arizona
Overheard by: Alan B. Barley
Categories: Advice | Arizona | Body parts | Fears | Rednecks | Restaurants | Violence | Posted 2010-01-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Which Explains Our 1980's Haircuts
Sophomore #1: I mean, I don't really keep up with current events that much.
Sophomore #2: You need watch the news. Seriously. It's the twentieth century.
High School
Kentucky
Overheard by: Oh, high school
Categories: Advice | Girls | Kentucky | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Stupidity | Time Management | Posted 2010-01-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And That's the Last Time We'll Discuss This, Dad.
Sorority girl to another: All I'm saying is that it would be a lot better at home if you used less tongue.
CU
Boulder, Colorado
Categories: Advice | Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Colorado | Compare and contrast | Licking | Sorority types | Posted 2010-01-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Guess I Was Absent the Day They Taught That in School
Girl #1: It's like that old saying: abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.
Girl #2: What?! Abstinence?
Girl #1: You've never heard that? It's like when you don't get any for a while, and then you do, and it's really good? You know, makes you love 'em more.
Biloxi, Mississippi
Overheard by: it's one in the same
It's a Slippery Slope
Concerned father, giving advice to someone else's kid: I would strongly advise against eating gum found in the bathroom.
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Amanda Postel
I Assume Everyone's Seen Independence Day?
Conductor, at the end of introductory speech: And, ladies and gentlemen, in the event of an emergency... you all know what to do.
Train
St. Louis, Missouri
Categories: Advice | Conductors | Missouri | Public Transportation | Train | Posted 2009-12-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But I'm Not Sure the Koala Enjoys It
Male student #1: Man, you can't get pregnant doing that.
Male student #2: Oh.
Monash University
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Assilem
Categories: Advice | Australia | Colleges & Universities | Pregnancy | Students | Posted 2009-12-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Remember "Sweaty Boobs"?
Friend #1: I just want a Dance Dance Revolution mat that won't skid around on the floor while I dance on it. I am thinking about covering my old one in an unskiddable material.
Friend #2: Well, you could try human skin.
Friend #1: Does it skid?
Friend #2: Only when wet.
Gamestop
Omaha, Nebraska.
"Don't Jump Off That Building." "Stop Touching That Burner." Nag, Nag, Nag!
Woman to five-year-old daughter in elevator: You're getting off at the wrong floor, sweetie. This is the wrong floor... The wrong floor... The wrong floor! God, do you ever listen to me?
Five-year-old daughter: I'm trying not to.
Mackinac Island, Michigan
Overheard by: laughing
It'll Keep Your Mother-in-Law Amused for Hours
Woman: Well, they tie the sheep up to a stake and use it as bait.
Man: Really?
Woman: Yeah, just tie it on up and you're set...
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Bait for what?
Categories: Advice | Animals | California | Friends | Posted 2009-12-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why Yeast Infections Exist: A Short Story.
Girl #1: Do you think I could wash my clothes with fabric softener? I don't have any detergent.
Girl #2: That should probably work.
(30 minutes later)
Girl #2: So, did it work?
Girl #1: Yeah... I think... they don't smell anymore, at least. Good enough, right?
Laundry Room, University of Alabama
Birmingham, Alabama
Overheard by: I don't think it is
Categories: Advice | Alabama | Cleanliness | Clothes | Colleges & Universities | Girls | Questions | Sensory experiences | Posted 2009-12-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Though I Would Advise Against Googling the TA. *Shudder*
Professor: So I was looking through your online homework and I tried out the first question and I got it wrong. So I suggest you google the answer. You can find anything on google.
Bellingham, Washington
Overheard by: Condones This
I Think I've Heard This Bob Dylan Song
Drunk guy to group of teens: If you're on the moon and you ain't got no shoes, man, you're outta luck.
Rye, New York
Overheard by: Grizzzly
When It's Time to Move to New York, I'll Be Ready, Baby!
Girl on cell: Well, I took your advice and I didn't smile at anyone today. I even scowled at a few!
Calgary
Alberta
Canadia
Categories: Advice | Canadia | Girls | On the phone | Stupidity | Posted 2009-11-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That Dog from the Old Navy Commercials?
Mom to adult daughter: Now what you do is you pick an aisle to go down that you think has magic at the end of it.
Dutchess County, New York
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
...Even Though It Sounds Like It Could Be a Muslim Name.
Flight attendant: Just for future reference, when flying into O'Hare, Xanax is your friend.
O'Hare Airport
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: NeededSome
Categories: Advice | Airports & flights | Flight attendants | Health & Hygiene | Illinois | Public Transportation | Posted 2009-11-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...As All the Tour Books Will Tell You.
Guy on cell: If you're serious about jumping, you go to the Golden Gate Bridge. If you're really not, go to the Bay Bridge.
San Mateo, California
Overheard by: Technetium
Categories: Advice | California | Compare and contrast | Death & dying | Guys | On the phone | Posted 2009-11-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
All Those Slip-and-Fall Accidents Are Smitings
Religion teacher to class of girls: And remember girls, always wear a bikini in the shower, because god is always watching you.
Dublin
Ireland
Which Is Why I Had You Guys Do Those Practice Drills Earlier
Volunteer director to group of teenage volunteers: Now, ya gotta be careful or the tractor tires will catch on fire.
Teenage volunteers: (incredulous laughter)
Volunteer director: No, seriously! Last year they caught on fire and I totally had to pee on them!
Sonoma County, California
Overheard by: where was I last year?!
It's All Fun and Games 'til Somebody Pokes a Baby Out
Loud eighth grader: Michael's such a douche, all he wants to do is get in my pants.
Even louder teacher: You're in eighth grade, you shouldn't be letting anybody in your pants!
Potomac, Maryland
Overheard by: Math is my new favorite subject...
In Alabama It's Kind Of Hard to Tell
Older woman #1: I really need to get my flu shot this week.
Older woman #2: I got mine last week.
Older woman #3: Ya'll better watch out getting those flu shots, haven't you heard that vaccines cause autism?
Birmingham, Alabama
Categories: Advice | Alabama | Health & Hygiene | Maladies | Mental illnesses | Old folks | Stupidity | Women | Posted 2009-11-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...And Then Grade Him Candidly on a Scale from 1 to 10.
Girl #1: Honesty is the best policy.
Girl #2: Yeah, just sleep with the guy!
Barrack Heights
Australia
Overheard by: I think we might differ on our definitions of
This Lecture Would Be Protected Under Attorney-Client Privilege
Professor: In a year or two, you're going to graduate and have to face the hard decision about what to do with your life. Some of you will be lawyers, some of you will be engineers, and some of you will opt for a life of crime. When you do, and you get caught, roll over on the person you're caught with, and ask for absolute immunity. I hope you don't choose a life of crime, but if you do, at least be smart about it.
Pre-law Class
USC
Categories: Advice | California | Colleges & Universities | Crimes | Education | Jobs & Careers | Teachers | Posted 2009-10-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Limbo Is Not a Man's Game, Son.
Mother to little boy: Stop that! You're gonna hurt your scrotum!
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Advice | Body parts | Health & Hygiene | Kids | Kids | Massachusetts | Moms | Parenting | Posted 2009-10-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But I Draw the Line at Moving to Seattle
White cube farmer to another: Chicks don't like dudes with umbrellas. They like wild and crazy guys who aren't afraid of getting their hair wet.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: alexis
Categories: Advice | Compare and contrast | Gender issues | Hair | Overheard in Minneapolis | Stupidity | Whiteys | Posted 2009-10-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Before She Finds Out You're a Mute!
Man walking down street: Dude... your woman just said "we need to talk." You need to get the fuck out of there right now!
San Francisco, California
Categories: Advice | Guys | Relationships | San Francisco | Posted 2009-10-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Promised My Mom
Girl with friends walking by my door: No, no... sixteen! Sixteen is the age to get pregnant.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: Did I miss something?
Categories: Advice | Age and ageing | Friends | Girls | Overheard in Minneapolis | Pregnancy | Stupidity | Posted 2009-10-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Need to Stop Watching Those Darned Kardashians, Sir.
Professor: You just need to expose yourself! That's how you better yourself!
Middle Tennessee State Univ
Murfreesboro, Tennessee
Overheard by: Libby K.
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Education | Teachers | Tennessee | Posted 2009-09-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Next to Making Undergrads Uncomfortable.
Professor: I advise you all to make love, at least once, outside in the rain. It's the best feeling in the world.
Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York
Overheard by: Mackenzie
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Education | Feelings | New York | Sex | Teachers | Weather | Posted 2009-09-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why Is There One In Your Office?
Thesis advisor to uncomfortable-looking advisees: You girls might be too young for it, but if you ever have the chance to have sex on a water bed, you should do it.
Colgate University
Madison County, New York
Categories: Advice | Age and ageing | Colleges & Universities | Education | New York | Sex | Students | Teachers | Posted 2009-09-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Next Thing You Know, You've Blogged Yourself 5-10 With Good Behavior
Big, sweaty man: No, you need to stay offa that Facebook, offa that MySpace, because when they need evidence, that's where they look first.
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: slightly suspicious
Those Of You Too Ugly to Complete This Assignment May Write an Essay Instead
Professor to students: You need go out and have a lot of sex.
Seattle University, Washington
I Hate to Ask Their Names, Though
Girl #1: Girl, I am pregnant.
Girl #2: Do you know who the daddy is?
Girl #1: No!
Girl #2: Girl, my doctor told me that when I sleep with a man, to write it on the calendar, so if I get pregnant they can try to find the daddy!
Elevator, Columbus State Community College
Columbus, Ohio
My Dad Kept Telling People to Kill Me
Student #1: I told my dad I wanted to be famous, and he told me I should kill someone. I was like, seven.
Student #2: At least he's supportive.
Philedelphia University, Pennsylvania
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Family ties | Murder | Parenting | Pennsylvania | Students | Stupidity | Wishes | Posted 2009-08-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...But Only If They're the Horny Type.
Wise eight-year-old boy to brother: Getting a girlfriend is the easy part. But you have to know how to keep them.
Attentive six-year-old: How do you get them to stay?
Wise eight-year-old: You have to find out what kind of food they like to eat. And give them a plastic unicorn.
Nature Park
Tampa, Florida
Categories: Advice | Compare and contrast | Florida | Food | Kids | Kids | Questions | Relationships | Siblings | Posted 2009-08-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Some Babies Learn to Run Away Before They Can Walk
Loud fat ghetto chick to baby: See dat? See dat baby walking? That's what you need to be doing. I'm sick of carrying yo' ass around.
Target Parking Lot
Florissant, Missouri
Categories: Advice | Ass | Chicks | Fat people | Kids | Missouri | Moms | Parenting | Should have used a condom | Stores | Posted 2009-08-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
As Explained in Thurber's The Wonderful O
Student to another: You're an asshole!
Science teacher: If you're going to say that, you should use the proper term, which is "anus."
High School
Auckland
New Zealand
Categories: Advice | Ass | Etiquette | Insults | New Zealand | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Students | Teachers | Words | Posted 2009-08-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or Don't Be the Idiot Who Schedules Things Before Noon
Professor, at 8 am: If coffee doesn't work, drink RedBull. But if that doesn't work, I suggest amphetamines or heroin.
Class, SUNY
Purchase, New York
Overheard by: Jessica
What's More Fun Than Tormenting Vegans?
20-something girl to friend: You should totally eat some meat. Maybe you'll get the meat sweats.
Wedding
Redlands, California
Overheard by: Ruben
Categories: Advice | California | Food | Friends | Girls | Sensory experiences | Posted 2009-07-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Just Did His Horoscope
Conductor: Do not buy anything from the man in the yellow shirt and white tennis shoes. He will be arrested.
Subway
Los Angeles, California
Categories: Advice | California | Clothes | Clothing | Conductors | Crimes | Public Transportation | Train | Posted 2009-07-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But It Makes a Cool Gurgling Sound
10-year-old boy to another: Yeah, if you smoke it that way you can still get cancer. But if you smoke it through a water bong... yeah, about the same.
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Lauren
Mr. Bradshaw Sometimes Needs Help with the Basics
Loud guy on cell: Terry! Terry! Listen to me! Use that shampoo! And the conditioner! Get your hair the same way it was last week! (pause) Okay, see you there. Bye.
Oxford Street
London
England
Categories: Advice | Bathing | Cleanliness | England | Guys | Hair | On the phone | Posted 2009-07-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Lightly Stroke It.
Flight attendant: Contrary to popular belief, pushing the button with the flight attendant on it will not turn your flight attendant on. So don't push it.
Flight to New York
Overheard by: Erica Lynn
Categories: Advice | Airports & flights | Flight attendants | New York | Public Transportation | Stupidity | Posted 2009-07-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Edgar Allan Poe, You Get Out Of That Crypt This Minute!
Frowning little boy among kids running and playing: I wonder if this building is haunted. (pause) You should really keep an eye out for these things.
University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Fears | Kids | Kids | Magic | Washington | Posted 2009-07-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
This Is Why I Divorced Your Father
Mother to child: You need to get up off the floor.
Kid: No!
(small dog approaches, starts licking kid's face)
(kid laughs as mother becomes even angrier, then dog begins humping kid)
Kid: Get him off me, get him off me!
Mother, calmly: See? This is what happens when you lie on the floor. This is why we can't lay down on the floor.
Portland, Maine
Is That Like Asking a Black Guy to Tap Dance? Discuss.
Muscular black man: I'm like, "if you're going to be gay around me, you have to at least be funny."
St. Thomas
Virgin Islands
Categories: Advice | Black people | Central America | Gym rats | Sexuality | Posted 2009-07-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Available in a Wide Variety Of Sizes and Colors
Girl #1: You're too horny for your own good. Why don't you just get a dildo?
Girl #2: Why would I want a dildo when I can just get the real thing whenever I want?
Emory University
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Hank
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Georgia | Girls | Questions | Sex | Toys | Wishes | Posted 2009-07-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Nag, Nag, Nag. Jesus.
Girl to roommate guy: You should really clean the blood out of your clown shoes.
Colby-Sawyer College Dorm
New London, New Hampshire
Overheard by: Jess
Categories: Advice | Cleanliness | Colleges & Universities | Girls | Guys | New Hampshire | Shoes | Posted 2009-07-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
He Keeps Telling Us He's Not Straight.
Woman on cell: Take him home in a straitjacket, or take him to the psych ward in a straitjacket...either way, he's not going to be happy.
Saratoga, California
Overheard by: Coffee shoppe caffeine junky
Categories: Advice | California | Clothes | Happiness | Mental illnesses | On the phone | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2009-07-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When Rappers Moonlight.
Train driver: This train is being taken out of service. Brigham Circle will be the last stop for this train. Don't hate the player, hate the game!
E Train
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: camille
Categories: Advice | Conductors | Gripes | Massachusetts | Public Transportation | Train | Posted 2009-06-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Hey, I'm Still Trying to Figure Out the Color Of My Aura
Girl to friend: There's a book you might be interested in, called What Color Is Your Parish.
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: mine's ultraviolence
How Does Your Mom Find That Out?
Girl to guy she just met: My mom found out I had been having anal sex. She kept repeating "that's an exit, not an entrance." I told her how much fun it was, and that she should try it.
University of Oregon
Categories: Advice | Backdoor | Colleges & Universities | Default | Family ties | Girls | Oregon | Posted 2009-06-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Then I'll Have Everything Checked Off My Bucket List.
Wine girl #1: We should go get tattoos!
Wine girl #2: We totally should, I'll be divorced by morning!
Open Mic Night
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: only if it's my name on her ass
Categories: Advice | Bars & Clubs | Default | Girls | Illinois | Relationships | Tattoos | Posted 2009-06-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Every Guy Needs a Wingdyke
Tall blonde dude: If only she wasn't a butch lesbian, we would be so perfect for each other.
Petite blonde: You need to start thinking outside of those boundaries.
Juniata College
Huntingdon, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: I agree
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Default | Guys | Pennsylvania | Relationships | Sexuality | Posted 2009-06-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or You'll Spill Your Wine
Spanish professor, as class leaves on Friday: Be careful driving when you drink this weekend!
Hanover College
Hanover, Indiana
Overheard by: whitney
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Default | Drinking & drunks | Indiana | Teachers | Weirdness | Posted 2009-06-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If It Weren't for Those Compromising Nudie Pics Of You with the Chalupa
Guy #1: (mumbles)
Guy #2: Well, maybe you need to be more white.
Guy #1: What are you talking about? I'm Mexican, you're white!
(pause)
Guy #2: Dude, you would make the best politician.
Bathroom, UC Santa Cruz
California
Categories: Advice | California | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Guys | Politics | Questions | Restroom | Posted 2009-06-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Grim Reaper: "I Duck Into the Bathroom for Two Minutes..."
Flight attendant, after landing: If anyone left a black coat, please come to the front of the cabin to claim it. (pause) Or if anyone would like to take a black coat for free.
Orlando, Florida
Categories: Advice | Airports & flights | Clothes | Compare and contrast | Default | Flight attendants | Florida | Offers and requests | Public Transportation | Posted 2009-06-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Please Direct Any Questions to That Brick Wall Over There
Flight attendant, doing safety instructions before takeoff: Pull on the tab to inflate the life vest. If that doesn't work, blow it up manually. If that doesn't work...thank you for flying Southwest.
Flight over Providence, Rhode Island
Categories: Advice | Airports & flights | Default | Flight attendants | Names | Offers and requests | Public Transportation | Rhode Island | Weirdness | Posted 2009-06-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Are You Allowed to Give Me That Advice?
Student, yelling at no one in particular: I can't believe this stupid book is $52! It's a fuckin' softcover 40-page book!
Bookstore employee: Dude, just photocopy it and return it.
Student: Ohhh! Good idea! Thanks!
Bookstore
Los Angeles, California
I Slept My Way Into Advanced Paper-Cutting
Art teacher: The size of the square should be 13 inches...
Student #1, interrupting: Is that the length or the width?
Student #2: Uh, Krista, it's a square. The length and width are the same.
Student #1: Well, don't get mad at me just because I'm not all smart like you!
Marathon, Florida
Overheard by: Chey
And That Won't Give Her a Yeast Infection?
30-something black man on cell: Yeah. Put ketchup on it, it tastes like spaghetti!
All Star Cafe
Berkeley, California
Categories: Advice | Black people | California | Compare and contrast | Default | Food | Guys | Offers and requests | Restaurants | Posted 2009-05-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Doctor Said You Border on Mumu Fat.
Woman: You should shop at Lane Bryant!
Girl: Mom, that's a fat girls store!
Woman: I shopped there when I was 17, and you're much fatter that I was!
Hendersonville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Tanner
Categories: Advice | Age and ageing | Compare and contrast | Default | Family ties | Girls | Shopping | Tennessee | Women | Posted 2009-05-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
A...*Cough*...Teabagging Emergency?
British male, contemplating the last two teabags left in the chalet: We'd best save one in case of an emergency.
Orelle
France
I Promise I'll Try It at the Neighbors' House First
Guy on phone: Yes, they light on fire. Yes, I won't do it in my room.
Saratoga, California
Categories: Advice | California | Compare and contrast | Default | Guys | Weirdness | Words | Posted 2009-05-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Trevor Had Watched One Lifetime Movie Marathon Too Many
Thug #1, in restroom stall: Oh, shit!
Thug #2, outside restroom: What's goin' on?
Thug #1: Why's it bleeding? It's bleeding! Why's it bleeding?!
Thug #2: Yo, you better wash your goddamn hands after you done in there.
Crossgates Mall
Albany, New York
Overheard by: Dack
My Autobiography Features Some Great Tips.
Chick to cop interrupting honor students' discussion: Oh, um, we were just talking about how we would cover up a murder.
Cop, laughing: Oh, you would not believe how many times I've heard that...
Metro State College
Denver, Colorado
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Colorado | Cops | Default | Girls | Jobs & Careers | Murder | Posted 2009-05-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Too Realistic, Huh?
Teenage girl on bus: Oh, fuck. What is this world coming to? It's like it gets worse and worse.
Teenage guy sitting beside her: What? No. This wouldn't be the worst thing that's happened. Bad things happen all the time. Think about worse things going on right now, or that have been going on, for like, forever.
Teenage girl: It feels like it's getting worse, though.
Teenage guy: But it's not, though.
Teenage girl: Yeah, but, these bad things keep happening. It always keeps happening.
(pause)
Teenage guy: I wanna go see Watchmen.
Teenage girl: Don't, I heard it's not that good.
Bus
Ontario
Canadia
We've Now Lost Brain Cells Just Talking About Texas
Queer: You should move to Texas. You haven't been there yet.
Chick: Are you kidding? I am in no way hot enough to live in Texas. For one thing, I'd need way bigger boobs.
Queer: Oh, honey. That's what plastic surgery is for!
The Castro
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: lucy
Categories: Advice | Body parts | California | Default | Girls | Offers and requests | Queers | Questions | Posted 2009-05-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Maybe Add in Homicidal and Go for the Hat Trick?
Girl: Well, if he's okay with handicapped, he'll be okay with crazy.
El Paso, Texas
Categories: Advice | Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Relationships | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Whereas Scabies Can Always Keep a Secret
Elderly woman to woman across aisle: You can't trust crabs. Crabs are sneaky.
DMV
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: What about other sneaky crustaceans?
I'm Dating Him Now.
Preppy blonde on cell: She said she could see herself spending the rest of her life with him, so I told her: "wow, you really need to break up with him." And she did!
Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | New York | Relationships | Students | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Then You Hunker Down in the Library and Study for Finals
Male student in campus center: So once you put on the wetsuit, you pee all over yourself. Then you're warm for the whole time!
Princeton University
New Jersey
Overheard by: excuse me?
Categories: Advice | Clothes | Colleges & Universities | Default | Guys | New Jersey | Pee | Students | Posted 2009-05-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Same with Underaged Hookers
Dude #1: Do you smoke?
Dude #2: No.
Dude #1: You should. It's really cheap here.
Java
Indonesia
Overheard by: not the person who overheard this (whatupM!!! : P)
Have You Considered Sarah Lawrence?
Girl #1: Let me suggest to you...
Girl #2 (interrupting): Why can't I take like drugs or sex? Something that interests me? Not like race... Not that it isn't that interesting... Not that I'm racist. I'm not a racist. (nervous laugh)
Long Island University, New York
Overheard by: Reena
Don't Stop 'til After Your Story's Climax
AP English teacher: Now, remember kids, what do I always say you all should do?
Student: Procreate?
AP English teacher: No! Well, eh...I do say that too, but I meant "proofread!"
Northport, Long Island
New York
You Are the Weakest Link. Goodbye.
Spanish teacher: And you really have to be careful what you eat, because they have a lot of E. Coli problems.
Teenage girl: E. Coli? Like in those commercials with the cough drops?
Spanish teacher: What?
Teenage girl: Y'know, like the "Eeee-coliiii..."
Jersey Shore High School
Pennsylvania
Overheard by: shana yo mamma
Categories: Advice | Default | Food | Girls | Pennsylvania | Pop culture | Questions | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Teachers | Teens | Posted 2009-04-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
For Some Reason, Nobody Ever Listens to Cassandra
Loud girl on cell: Don't you think he might just be settling for you because he don't have no other choice? (pause) What I mean is, he's only marrying you because he can't find no one better? (pause) This is what I'm talkin' about. You don't know nothing. He don't want to marry you. He just is cause he ain't got nothing better to do. (pause) Yes, I am serious. Don't take that tone with me. I know what I'm talkin' about!
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Advice | Default | Girls | Pennsylvania | Questions | Relationships | Posted 2009-04-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Grow Weary Of Cheesy Pick-Up Lines
Lady shopper on cell: I was just told by a Mexican guy that I should eat more cheese, so I'll have a bigger ass.
Value Village
Bellingham, Washington
Categories: Advice | Default | Food | Offers and requests | Stores | Washington | Women | Posted 2009-04-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Mean, That's the Logical Route.
Guy to friend: No, dude. You wouldn't be able to kill a robot. You would have to befriend it and then, when it's not expecting it, rip its brain out.
Friend: I tried that too.
Westwood, California
Categories: Advice | Body parts | California | Death & dying | Default | Friends | Guys | Weirdness | Posted 2009-04-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Even Tree Surgery
Lawyer to another: So if you're ever having surgery on a limb, make sure they mark it with a marker.
Toronto
Canadia
As His Sancho Panza
Girl: You should meet his dad! He's like Don Quixote in a Kafka story.
Guy: Who's father they were talking about...you know...but with a tv.
Sabiá bar, Vila Madalena
Sao Paulo, Brazil
Categories: Advice | Bars & Clubs | Books | Brazil | Compare and contrast | Default | Family ties | Girls | Guys | Technology | Posted 2009-03-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Will Now Lift a Piano Without Using My Hands
60-something female professor: Boys, you don't have this problem, but girls: always do your Kegels, especially after you have a baby.
Willamette University
Salem, Oregon
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Family ties | Oregon | Teachers | Women | Posted 2009-03-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...After Taking Me to the Movies.
Hot girl to random girl: Have you read or seen He's Not That Into You?
Random girl, to uninterested guy: No.
Hot girl: Well, I highly recommend you read it!
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: he really wasn't
Nobody Really Understood The Happening
Teen boy in car to dog walker (at top of his lungs, worried): Hey, girl! Watch out! The dogs are poisonous!
Midlothian, Texas
Just Don't Expect It to Say Your Name
English professor: Make that language your bitch.
Ursinus College
Pennsylvania
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Default | Education | Insults | Pennsylvania | Teachers | Words | Posted 2009-03-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Thus Saith the Lord
Guy: If you bang a girl unprotectedly, you have to keep banging her protectedly to make sure she doesn't start showing.
Allston, Massachusetts
Categories: Advice | Compare and contrast | Default | Guys | Massachusetts | Sex | Posted 2009-03-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Wow, This Horoscope Is Dead On!
Girl to friend: You know, you should just stop face-fucking everyone all the time. Then you'd be fine.
Christchurch
New Zealand
Categories: Advice | BJs | Body parts | Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | New Zealand | Posted 2009-03-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That Better Not Be a Euphemism, Dude.
Buff manly guy, solemnly to friends: If worse comes to worst, we can always make S'mores.
Grocery Store
Southern California
Categories: Advice | California | Compare and contrast | Default | Guys | Stores | Words | Posted 2009-03-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
"Nice Pin" Is Totally Code for That
Wrestler's mom: You need to stop flirting with all of those girls.
Wrestler: But mom, she came up to me, and was hitting on me, and said she wanted to have sex with me.
Varsity Wrestling Meet
Buchanan, Michigan
Overheard by: Katie
Categories: Advice | Compare and contrast | Default | Guys | Michigan | Moms | Offers and requests | Sex | Women | Posted 2009-03-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Nobody Can Afford to Retire Anymore
13-year-old boy to parents: Shit, this place smells like old people and debauchery.
Mom: Now let's not judge the whores, Tommy.
Sahara Casino
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: djglucose
Ever Eaten in Our Cafeteria?
Teacher to student: See, why can't you be more of a brown noser, like him? (points at another student)
Student: Because I don't like the taste of ass?
(class groans)
Teacher: Don't knock it till you try it.
San Diego, California
And Christianity Is the S&M Religion
Guy #1: Dude, like my whole body hurts.
Guy #2: Well, I told you not to hang out with those girls.
Guy #1: Yeah, but I haven't dated a religion major in a long time.
Harvard University
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Overheard by: dave
Categories: Advice | Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Default | Guys | Massachusetts | Religion | Posted 2009-03-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Repent and Be Born Again Of Pepsi and the Spirit
Mom to cashier: And we'll have a water.
Little girl: But I want Pepsi!
Mom: We're getting water Pepsi!
Little girl: Yaaaaay!
Mom, winking at amused cashier: When you have kids of your own, water Pepsi is the greatest invention ever.
Medford, Oregon
No Australian Is One Of Those
Maths teacher: Girls, what you need to do is try and think like a mathematician.
Student: Why, miss? We're not mathematicians.
Maths teacher: Yes, you are. Whenever you do maths, you're a mathematician.
Student: What about when we're in English class? Does that make us engleticians?
Australia
Except in Situations Involving Family Members, Minors, or Brett Michaels
Curly-haired woman on cell: My advice is to have sex in 90% of all situations.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Poogtastic
This Was Often Heard on the Set of Little House...
Angry mother: Seriously, Landon, I told you, do not touch anyone else's balls!
Mini Golf
Burnham, Maine
Have You Considered an Air Purifier?
Geology professor, after sneezing: It's all these trees outside having all of this unprotected sex.
Student: We're just caught in the crossfire.
Geology professor: Exactly. You should see the stains on my car!
University of Mary Washington
Fredericksburg, Virginia
If You Get Kidnapped, What Happens to the Child Support, Huh?
Woman to child: I'm not responsible for knowing where you are. It's not my job to watch you. You need to be responsible and know where I'm at.
Aquarium
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Really?
Categories: Advice | Default | Georgia | Jobs & Careers | Kids | Tourist attractions | Women | Posted 2009-02-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Anally
Sociology professor: This course is cheap, but I'm expensive, so please make use of me.
Boston University, Massachusetts
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Massachusetts | Money | Teachers | Posted 2009-02-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Your Editors' Gumdrop Field Tests Have Been Inconclusive
Bus driver: Folks, this just in from the weather service, I just thought I'd pass it along to you all. Don't let all these clouds fool you, there's a high heat warning in effect for Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, gumdrops, and...snow cones, so if you have any of those items, you'd better keep them inside. That's all.
Bus #17
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: The Redhead
The Way Pittsburgh Stole the Overheard Concept
Professor, about a book currently sold out at the campus bookstore: This book has been required in my class for years. All the upperclassmen have this book. Borrow it! (whispering) Steal it!
Point Park University
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: ZB
Categories: Advice | Books | Colleges & Universities | Default | Offers and requests | Pennsylvania | Teachers | Posted 2009-02-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And If You Could Pass to the Front Your Wallets and Jewelry, That Would Be Awesome-- Thanks!
Pilot to passengers: Everyone, please make sure your seatbelts are fastened. I'm gonna fly this plane like I stole it.
Flight from Nashville, Tennessee
Categories: Advice | Airports & flights | Default | Offers and requests | Pilots | Public Transportation | Tennessee | Weirdness | Posted 2009-02-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And That's Not What's on Abe Lincoln's Chin
Mom to young son: Don't say "testicles" in public!
Mount Rushmore, South Dakota
Overheard by: Sarah
Categories: Advice | Balls | Default | Moms | South Dakota | Tourist attractions | Women | Words | Posted 2009-02-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Without Protection
Professor: Everyone always thinks the answer is penetrance. Just let me say this right here, right now: I don't want to see any penetrance in this class. Learn it, but don't do it.
Genetics Lecture
Purdue University, West Lafayette, Indiana
By the End Of This Class, You'll Be Able to Open Them With Your Penis
Peer-taught health class leader: Do not open condoms with a knife.
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: nyssa
...It's How Study You Are
History teacher: The thing about school is, it's not how hard you smart.
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: nyssa
Dental Orgasms Are the Norm in Canadia
Kindly older woman on cell: No, no, no, ask him to be gentle, tell him it's your first time...it's beautiful. You're going to love it, Caroline. Okay, love you! Bye!
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: Emma Middleton
Categories: Advice | Canadia | Compliments | Default | Feelings | Offers and requests | Old folks | Women | Posted 2009-01-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Fine, Call It "Guano" If That Makes You Feel Better
Man to son: Stop talking about vampire bats and focus on your poop.
San Diego, California
Categories: Advice | Animals | California | Dads | Default | Family ties | Poop | Posted 2009-01-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
In Other News, I've Graded You on a Scale from "Green" to "Unicorns"
Math professor: Coming home drunk at 3 am and grading calculus papers is a great way to learn calculus.
Southern Methodist University
Dallas, Texas
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Default | Drinking & drunks | Education | Teachers | Texas | Posted 2009-01-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
So Failing You Would Be Against My Religion
Professor, on last day of lecture: You are all pregnant.
(students awkwardly looking around and extremely uncomfortable)
Professor: ...with your futures.
University of Wisconsin
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Education | Teachers | Wisconsin | Words | Posted 2009-01-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That Wouldn't Make a Bad Video Game
Grandmother: I think the cat is pregnant with one kitten or something.
Five-year-old boy: Yeah, and the kitten is like, controlling her from the inside.
Spokane, Washington