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And Don't Even Get Me Started on Bob Barker

Teenage daughter: You just know Chuck Woolery was banging every chick on Love Connection.
Mother: Not in front of the 12-year-olds!
Teenage daughter: I dunno, Chuck Woolery is a pretty sick son of a bitch.

Grocery Store Parking Lot
Littleton, Colorado


Categories: About celebrities | Colorado | Girls | Insults | Moms | Sexuality | Stores | TV shows | Teens | Posted 2008-05-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Is That Yiddish for "a Moment"?

Tall gay 20-something male on cell: My niece died. I need a Fresca.

CVS
Boston, Massachusetts

I Knew I Should've Let the Doctor Keep You a Girl

Mother to ten-year-old son at supermarket check-out queue: And then we'll go and look for a dress for me.
Ten-year-old son: I'm not going clothes shopping with you. You go in every shop, you try everything on, you never like anything and come home with nothing and I'm not standing around waiting!
[All male members of the queue cheer.]

Luton
England


Categories: Character | Clothes | Feelings | Gripes | Guys | Moms | Offers and requests | Shopping | Stores | Tweens | UK | Posted 2008-04-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Why Kids Shouldn't Watch Cinemax After Dark

Six-year-old girl, gyrating hips: Mommy! Mommy! This is how babies are made!
Mother: That's nice.

Gap Store, Stanford Shopping Center
Palo Alto, California


Overheard by: this is why I don't shop at the gap


Categories: California | Family ties | Girls | Glad the condom broke | Kids | Malls | Moms | Offspring | Stores | Weirdness | Posted 2008-04-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Dude, It Has the Word "Vajayjay" on the Cover

Twelve-year-old boy to friend: I didn't know bookstores had porn!
Friend: Dude, that's Cosmo!

Barnes & Noble
Illinois


Categories: Books | Comebacks | Compare and contrast | Friends | Guys | Illinois | Pop culture | Porn | Stores | Tweens | Posted 2008-04-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

This Season's Most Unlikely Love Story

Girl, looking at video games: If I had a sword that pimp, I would just kill people all day and run around.
Boy following her: Girl, if you had a sword that pimp I would stop being gay and make you stop to make love to me.
Girl, looking appalled: I'd be busy killing people, though.
Boy, matter-of-factly: Well... I'd make you stop every thirteen kills.

Random Walmart
Boise, Idaho


Overheard by: Bunnee


Categories: Compare and contrast | Crimes | Friends | Games | Gays | Girls | Guys | Idaho | Murder | Sexuality | Stores | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2008-04-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

They Told Me to Say That, but Never Trained Me

Grocery store clerk: Did you find everything you were looking for today?
Customer: Yep.
Clerk: Oh good. The last woman said she didn't, and I had no idea what to say. So I just looked at her and kind of shrugged my shoulders. She got so mad.
Customer: Then why do you ask?
Clerk: To be polite.

HyVee
Fort Dodge, Iowa

Being a Contestant on The Price Is Right? Really?

Morbidly obese man: It's like when you go dumpster-diving and find a whole bedroom set.

Wal-Mart
Gainesville, Florida


Overheard by: Andrea


Categories: Compare and contrast | Fat people | Florida | Guys | Happiness | Stores | Weirdness | Posted 2008-04-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Kid Must've Been Horrible to Get Taken to a Fabric Store

Six-year-old kid: Will you come over to our place?
Mom's friend: No.
Six-year-old kid: Why not?
Mom's friend: Because you're annoying.
Mom: See? I told you!

Fabric Store
DeKalb, Illinois

Since My Lime Green Mumu Failed to Get Their Attention

Flea market lady: I don't see the big deal about sanitation these days.
Older flea market lady: I know. The other day at work I dropped a cookie on the floor, then picked it up and ate it. You know, just to see what people would do.

Flea Market
Burley Park, Michigan


Overheard by: Amanda


Categories: Cleanliness | Food | Friends | Grumpies | Health & Hygiene | Michigan | Stores | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2008-04-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

You Have the Hairbrushes, Right?

Girl, wearing leather pants and high heels, pushing a cart containing D batteries, duct tape, and huge bag of rice, on cell: I don't know why he's so smug, I told him what I would do to him if I caught him again. [pause] Okay, well I've almost got everything I need, I'll be right over.

Wal-Mart
Lufkin, Texas


Overheard by: wtf?


Categories: Bimbettes | Girls | On the phone | Relationships | Shopping | Stores | Texas | Threats | Posted 2008-04-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

If You're Really Bad, I'll Make You Go in the Ball Pit

Angry father, to young daughter: Do you wanna go to Chuck E. Cheese?
Daughter: [scared silence]
Father: Then stop touching shit!

Wal-Mart
Long Island, New York


Overheard by: Molly BOOM


Categories: Dads | Default | Etiquette | Family | Food | Girls | Kids | Kids | New York | Offers and requests | Shopping | Stores | Wishes | Posted 2008-04-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...Full Of Heroin?

Middle-aged black woman to husband: Baby, you remember that time I shot you?

CVS
Indianapolis, Indiana


Categories: Crimes | Default | Hubbies | Memory lane | Questions | Relationships | Stores | Thugs | Violence | Women | Posted 2008-04-12 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Wonder If the Hospital Would Give Me a Discount If I Produced in Bulk

Black woman, to friend: I love Costco. It makes me like, want to have five kids.

Costco
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania


Categories: Default | Feelings | Friends | Gender issues | Offspring | Pennsylvania | Shopping | Stores | Wishes | Women | Posted 2008-04-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Well, That Self-Actualization Seminar Was a Bust

Nine year-old girl: I want that shirt and you are going to get it for me. Any questions?
Mom: Many. Shut up and put the damn shirt back.

Target
Atlanta, Georgia


Categories: Clothes | Default | Etiquette | Family ties | Georgia | Gifts | Girls | Kids | Kids | Moms | Offers and requests | Shopping | Stores | Wishes | Posted 2008-04-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Hey, You're the Experienced Pet-Sitter!

Cashier on cell phone: I mean... What's the problem? Ejaculating? Is he ejaculating too much or too little? Which is the problem?

Shoprite
New Jersey


Overheard by: allison


Categories: Cum | Default | Employees | Etiquette | Gripes | New Jersey | On the phone | Questions | Relationships | Stores | Posted 2008-04-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Or Should We Cut to the Chase and Snort Some Lines?

Six-year-old girl to six-year old boy: Do you want to get a coffee?

Barnes & Noble
Plainfield, Illinois


Overheard by: Tdcompton

Whatever You Say, Latonya

Woman in line to another: Yeah, my brother's birthday is tomorrow. He's Aryan.

Wal-Mart
Tracy, California


Overheard by: Jeff


Categories: Age and ageing | California | Default | Family ties | On the phone | Pride | Race | Stores | Stupidity | Whiteys | Women | Posted 2008-04-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

But I Told You Not to Call Me at Work, Grandma

Salesclerk: Your total is $1.81. [Into her cellphone.] Don't worry, girl, I am listening to yo' hideous self!

Lawrence, Kansas

Overheard by: kerblammerz


Categories: Default | Employees | Etiquette | Guys | Insults | Kansas | Money | On the phone | Stores | Posted 2008-04-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Dakota Works for Chris Hansen

Little girl singing in the aisle: Hide the wiener, hide the wiener!

Target
Orlando, Florida


Overheard by: Stephanie


Categories: Default | Florida | Girls | Kids | Kids | Music | Stores | Words | Posted 2008-03-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And You're Not in a Relationship Just because She Says So

Meathead to another: Dude, are you in a relationship? 'Cause if you're not in a relationship, you don't have to call her ever. Do you hear me? Ever!

Safeway
Ellensburg, Washington


Categories: Advice | Default | Jocks | Questions | Relationships | Stores | Washington | Posted 2008-03-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Where to Begin?

Husband to wife showing him Greek Bible: Honey, if English is good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me.

Barnes & Noble
Cincinnati, Ohio


Overheard by: aharon


Categories: Christianity | Couples | Default | Idiots | Language barrier | Ohio | Stores | Stupidity | Posted 2008-03-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Is That a Lip-Liner and EpiPen in One?

Hottie: Here ya go -- put this in your man-purse for me, please.
Indie boyfriend, indignantly: It's not a man-purse! It's a medical evac bag!
Hottie: Okay. You got any bandages or sterile alcohol in there?
Indie boyfriend: ... No.
Hottie: Yeah, right -- it's a man-purse. [Guy sullenly puts item in bag.]

Target, Saint Matthews
Louisville, Kentucky


Categories: Comebacks | Couples | Default | Fashion | Kentucky | Stores | Words | Posted 2008-03-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

There's Nothing You Can Do to Rehabilitate Its Coolness

Hipster girl pointing at piece of art: So, do you want to get it?
Hipster guy: Nah, we'll get it somewhere else. I hate when people ask you, 'Where did you get that?' and you're like, 'Ikea...'

Ikea
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania


Categories: Default | Fashion | Girls | Guys | Hipsters | Pennsylvania | Questions | Stores | Posted 2008-03-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Four-Eyed Men Are Illegal in Oklahoma

Little girl: I'll tell you what my daddy looks like. He has eyeglasses and he's a woman.

Car dealer
Midwest City, Oklahoma


Overheard by: Reiza


Categories: Default | Gender issues | Girls | Kids | Kids | Oklahoma | Stores | Posted 2008-03-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

That's What You Said About Spiral Notebooks!

Young girl, spraying perfume: These smell yucky. Who actually buys these, Mom?
Mom: Put those down. Those are for prostitutes.

Macy's
St. Paul, Minnesota


Overheard by: ChasingDori


Categories: Default | Girls | Gripes | Minnesota | Moms | Sensory experiences | Stores | Posted 2008-03-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Oooh -- And Graphic Intolerance!

Mom: No, that's not an appropriate video, either.
14-year-old son: What about this one? It's Christian. It only has violence in it!

Blockbuster
Liberty, Missouri


Overheard by: blockbuster lurker


Categories: Christianity | Default | Guys | Missouri | Moms | Stores | Teens | Violence | Posted 2008-03-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Our Backyard Squirrels Just Don't Hold the Allure They Once Did

60-ish lady: If it weren't for Dancing with the Stars, I don't know what we'd be watching!

Whole Foods
Ridgewood, New Jersey


Categories: Compliments | Default | New Jersey | Old folks | Stores | TV shows | Women | Posted 2008-03-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Every Country Has Its Own Rules for Greeting Royalty

Guy on cell at register: I know! I know! So listen -- when you first meet him, go up to him, bow, whip your own chopsticks, and tell him you would like to procreate with him.

Dick's Sporting Goods
Fairfax, Virginia


Overheard by: Cashier who needed the laugh


Categories: Advice | Default | Guys | On the phone | Sex | Stores | Virginia | Posted 2008-03-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Did He Know That?

Clerk: Hitler was a black man. Did you know that?

Long's Drugs
Oakland, California


Categories: Blue collar | California | Default | History | Race | Stores | Stupidity | Posted 2008-03-09 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Is My Widdle Boy Gonna Asphyxiatey-watey?

Mom, giving toddler a stocking: That'll keep you quiet for a minute. [Toddler starts stretching it over his face.] Awww, that's so cute. Are you gonna go rob a bank?

DSW Shoes
New Jersey


Overheard by: Unburdened shoe shopper


Categories: Default | Kids | Moms | New Jersey | Stores | Undies | Posted 2008-03-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

You're Both Right!

Preppy girl #1: Wow, now we all have the same necklace! We should all wear them the next time we go out!
Preppy girl #2: Yeah! We'd be like the Power Rangers or something!
Preppy girl #3: Or we'd be like douchebags.

Eastern Market
Washington, DC


Overheard by: office peon does d.c.


Categories: Comebacks | Default | Fashion | Girls | Insults | Offers and requests | Preppies | Stores | Washington, DC | Posted 2008-03-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Ummm, We're at a Wal-Mart in Tennessee.

Mom: Do you want to take your coat off?
Toddler: Go to hell!

Wal-Mart
Hendersonville, Tennessee


Overheard by: Tanner


Categories: Comebacks | Default | Insults | Moms | Questions | Should have used a condom | Stores | Tennessee | Posted 2008-03-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And Mr. Cheney Looks Damn Good in a Black Teddie

Girl: Dude! Satan is in the store! He's trying on lingerie.

Victoria's Secret
Bakersfield, California


Categories: California | Clothes | Default | Evil | Girls | Stores | Posted 2008-03-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Just Start Fires

Three-year-old girl: Can I open this?
Dad: No. There are two hundred and fifty matches in there, and they're going to fall all over the place.
Three-year-old girl: But I promise I won't eat them.

Harvest Co-Op
Cambridge, Massachusetts


Categories: Dads | Default | Kids | Kids | Massachusetts | Questions | Stores | Posted 2008-02-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

My Standards Are Low, but I Adhere to Them

Female customer: I would never do anything with someone other than my boyfriend.
Male customer: You cheated on your husband!
Female customer: I wasn't in love with my husband.

Visible Voice Books
Cleveland, Ohio


Categories: Comebacks | Default | Guys | Infidelity | Lies | Ohio | Stores | Women | Posted 2008-02-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Luckily, I Was There to Apply Blush on Her While They Were Removing Her Lung

Woman on cell: I totally didn't recognize her. Yeah, so I guess she thinks she can get away with not doing her hair and make-up before surgery.

Office Depot
Fort Worth, Texas


Categories: Beauty | Biotechs | Maladies | North America | On the phone | Stores | Texas | USA | Posted 2007-06-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Leave the Details to My Subordinates

Girl on cell: What do you want? I'm in a fucking dressing room... Oh yeah, I guess there was a stabbing earlier... What? It's not like I was the one stabbing people!

1576 NE Halsey
Portland, Oregon


Overheard by: really?


Categories: North America | On the phone | Oregon | Stores | USA | Violence | Posted 2007-06-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

No. And Stop Snorting That Flour

Little girl at checkstand: Momm