Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | Places | Venues

The Plot Of Every Romantic Comedy, in a Nutshell.

Loud hipster on cell, in quiet restaurant: If you went into the jungle, I wouldn't follow you because I don't trust you! (pause) Awesome! Let's hang out.

Vancouver
Canadia

Overheard by: Mrs. Rollins

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Stay Away from Drugs, Kids!

Teen ordering at Subway: Yeah, I want mustard.
Teen friend: No way. Mustard?
Teen ordering: I like mustard.
Teen friend: Omigod, I'm telling Paul* and he's never gonna talk to you again.
Teen ordering: What? Omigod! No, don't!
Teen friend, pulling out phone and dialing: Too late.
Teen ordering, almost crying: I like Paul*!
Teen friend, answering phone: Hello? Paulie! Natasha* loves mustard. (pause) Oh. Never mind, Paul* likes mustard.
Cashier: Um, are you two drunk?
Teen ordering, wide-eyed: Do you like mustard?

Subway
Alabama

Overheard by: they were drunk.

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Also How He Chooses a House Of Worship.

20-something guy, entering taqueria with friends: There better be a midget in a sombrero offering me salsa as soon as I get in the door, or I'm gonna be pissed.

San Francisco, Calfornia

Overheard by: Alex

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...Look What Happened to Me!

Pregnant mother to son: Stop throwing daddy's meat around!

Outback Steakhouse
Parsippany, New Jersey

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Or Anywhere, Really

Middle aged woman to waitress: How do you stay so thin?
Waitress, serving woman dessert: I don't eat here.

Restaurant
Saskatchewan
Canadia

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...Mine Just Tells Me to Burn Things.

Mother to teenage daughter: Are you sure you don't want anything?
Skinny teenage daughter: Nah. (shrugs) My uterus isn't happy.
(mother raises a quizzical eyebrow)
Skinny teenage daughter: It's all like: "hello, I'm a uterus, and I'm going to bloat my way through for awhile, and push Ms Stomach organ out through Ms Bellybutton."
Mother: Oh.

Burger King
Manhattan, New York

Overheard by: i just work here...

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Mr. Woods Has Nothing to Fear From Me

Loud woman in restaurant: I'm discreet! My ad says I am!

Merrifield, Virginia

Overheard by: Ihatewhores

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Your Editors Gave Up on Lost During Season One

60-something guy, earnestly, to table full of seemingly level-headed adults: They're going to turn the moon into a weapon, the most powerful weapon ever...

Restaurant
Reno, Nevada

Overheard by: mini-me

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Oh, and One Of Your Mudslides, Please.

Entitled middle-aged anorexic: I'll have the Cobb salad with no croutons, no bacon, no egg, no cheese, and no avocado, with the chicken on a separate plate.
Sheepish waitress: That just leaves lettuce, tomato, and olives. You sure that's all you want, ma'am?
Entitled middle-aged anorexic: I'm sure.
Sheepish waitress: It'd be cheaper to get a side salad and just add chicken.
Entitled middle-aged anorexic: No, I want a Cobb salad.
Sheepish waitress: It would be the same thing without all the toppings.
Entitled middle-aged anorexic: I. Want. A. Cobb. Salad!
Sheepish waitress: Yes, ma'am. What kind of dressing would you like?
Entitled middle-aged anorexic: No dressing, please.
Sheepish waitress: Yes, ma'am.

TGI Friday's
Virginia

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...Says the Woman Who Has a Crush on Those Twins in The Suite Life Of Zack & Cody?

Queer dad at the back of the line: Ohmigod! There's Rebeca, from cheerleading.
Woman friend: Oh yeah! I hate her, she's so perky.
Queer dad: And irresponsible, she always leaves her kids on the car when she goes anywhere.
Woman: Oh, really?
Queer dad: I mean, who leaves a top of the line Escalade with a smoking hot nine-year-old idling in the parking lot? Especially in this neighborhood!
Woman dad: That is so wrong!
Queer dad: I know!
Woman: No, that you said "smoking" hot nine-year-old.
Queer dad: Oh...

Dunkin Donuts
Manhattan, New York

Overheard by: Billy Splatts!

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Until Its Sour Cream Came Out

Girl to girlfriend: If our burritos were in jail, my burrito would rape your burrito.

Chipotle
Northridge, California

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Which Isn't Very Hard.

Guy to date: And then, after work, he sorts out men's erectile dysfunction.

Greek Restaurant
London
England

Overheard by: Sam Veale

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Just Chillin' in Central Park

Man on cell: Did I say Boston? I'm sorry, I was just in Boston, that's why I said that. Atlanta, I'm in Atlanta right now.

Beacon Hill Starbucks
Boston, Massachusetts

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At Least There's No Violin Shortage

Starbucks employee: Actually, most of the stores in the city are out of soy today.
Pompous customer: Well, what am I supposed to do? Starve?

Starbucks
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Ho Lexington III

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Frankly, You Should Be More Worried About That Burrito

Five-year-old girl to ten-year-old sister: I don't know what you're so worried about. As long as it's not you who throws the first punch, the principal won't yell at you. That's always what happens with me.

Taco Bell
Plainview, New York

Overheard by: Tina

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We Also Would Have Accepted "Cuban"

Teen girl: What that thing that Frank Sinatra was? It starts with a "k"?
Teen friend: A "crooner"?
Girl: Yeah, that's it. A crooner.

Starbucks
Ontario
Canadia

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Preferably in the Drawing Room With a Candlestick

Young woman shouting to older gentleman: Why can't Dr Molar do his own wife?

Olive Garden
Indianapolis, Indiana

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A Man Needs a Cool Head to Eat at Denny's

Cowboy #1, in cowboy dialect: One thing I can tell you, if one of them bites you on the lip, don't panic. Just wait till it starts to let go and then push it off of you.
Cowboy #2: You know, that's right.

Denny's
Willcox, Arizona

Overheard by: Alan B. Barley

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I Also Feel Strangely Ashamed.

Waiter: How were the balls?
Blonde: Well, they were filling.

Cheesecake Factory
Providence, Rhode Island

Overheard by: Mallory

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In Unrelated News, Want Some Homemade Cookies?

Manager of restaurant to guy leaving restroom: I know we don't have paper towels in there. I am getting some right now.
Guy: It's okay. I never wash my hands anyway.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: that guy's girlfriend

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Gin?

Middle-aged father to waitress, about loud toddler daughter: It's an emergency. We need some happy juice.

Restaurant
Denver, Colorado

Overheard by: silver

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Um, What?

Tired restaurant patron: Why would Reese's Pieces put out rhesus monkeys? That's just wrong!

Restaurant
Ocala, Florida

Overheard by: Fully aware restaurant patron

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Then They Both Let Out Super-Sighs.

Fat tourist mom: Nah... I don't wanna eat there.
Fat tourist dad, wistfully: Well, it's not McDonald's.

Outside Marcy's Diner
Portland, Maine

Overheard by: townie knows best

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...But Then It Also Counts As Your Birthday Present.

Hostess: Your son and I were just talking about what he wants for Christmas.
10-year-old boy: Turkey bacon!
Gruff-looking father: You want turkey bacon for Christmas?
10-year-old boy, to hostess: He never buys any!
Gruff-looking father: Hey, if you want turkey bacon for Christmas, I'll get you turkey bacon.

Restaurant
Middletown, Connecticut

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And Cardiac Arrest Is Just Your Body Saying "Thank You"

Woman in nurse scrubs: It's like my brother says, "bread is merely a vehicle for butter to enter the body".

Italian Restaurant
Toms River, New Jersey

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...Learned That the Hard Way.

Girl: Oh my god, I love their deep-fried mac and cheese balls!
Boy: I got some fried mac and cheese balls for you.
Girl: Tommy, if you tried to dip your balls in a deep fryer, they would probably fall off.
Boy: No they wouldn't.
Waiter, passing by quickly: Yes they would!

Cheesecake Factory
Kettering, Ohio

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So You and the Doctors Keep Saying...

Small child entering restroom: Mom, why can't we go to the boys' room? Because I've got a girl with me?
Mom: You are a girl!

Sushi Restaurant
Kansas City, Kansas

Overheard by: zombie z

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Evidence That Sex and the City Would've Been a Lot More Interesting If It Had Involved Plus-Sized Sistahs

Plus-size sistah: And that damn condom came off!
Friend: Oh, shit, girl! What happened?
Plus-size sistah: I dunno. It's still up in there.
Friend: What? How long?
Plus-size sistah: It's been three days. I can't reach that bitch!
Friend: Girl! That's nasty! And if you askin' what I think you askin', you can forget it!

Restaurant, Chinatown
Washington, DC

Overheard by: Joe

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These Are the Moments They'll Cherish Forever

Mom to six-year-old daughter: Naiya, you better not be swimming in that toilet, or I will punch you in the neck!

Restaurant Bathroom
Delaware

Overheard by: Laughing Neighbor

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...Plus, I Prefer Anal. Anal!!

Chronically oversharing blonde woman: If I didn't know better, I'd swear there was a baby up in there, but there are three reasons I know that's impossible. For one thing, I'm on birth control, which is why I've gained twenty-five pounds. Twenty-five pounds! Also, I haven't had sex since (whispers) October, (resumes normal voice) so I'd be overdue. And I got my period today.

Chilango's Mexican Restaurant
Rochester, New York

Overheard by: TARDIS Dyke

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Ten Bucks Says They're American

Teenage tourist girl to friend: Wanna play connect the dots with my track marks?
Friend: (laughs nervously)
Teenage tourist girl: Also, if you do that stupid thing with your water glass again, I'm gonna strangle you, and throw you in a pit and put a dead dog on top of your grave. Pass me that cheese?

Pizzeria
Rome
Italy

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...More Gelato?

Overly chatty middle-aged guy on date: Doctors love giving women a hysterectomy. They will find any reason to give a woman a hysterectomy. Like, we're already up there, might as well scoop it on out now.

Italian Restaurant
Highland, California

Overheard by: well,,,there goes my appetite.

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I Think He Got the Gist When I Fucked Him and Then Stole His Wallet

Brunette: Was it you that was telling me you told prince charming that you were a whore?
Redhead: You mean Mark*, the rich guy? No, I just told him not to fall in love with me because I was a faithless whore and there was no man on earth worthy of my loyalty. You give a man loyalty and they walk all over you. Besides, I wouldn't describe him as prince charming. More like a toad with money.
Brunette: So you did tell him you were a whore?

Greek Restaurant
Baton Rouge, Louisiana

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You're Sending Me a Lot Of Mixed Messages

Cashier: Our credit card machine is down right now. Will that be cash or credit?
Customer: Gee, I guess cash... then.

Fast Food Restaurant
Fort Lauderdale, Florida

Overheard by: Kate

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Since the Rain Machine Is Broken

Host to dumb tourist: Would you like to sit inside or in the garden?
Dumb tourist: What's the weather like in the garden?
Host: I'm going to guess that it's the same as outside the front door you just walked through.

Restaurant
Charleston, South Carolina

Overheard by: Crash

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Sad About Getting Caught

20-something hipster chick: I cried throughout the whole movie. Seriously, I was bawling! Richard Nixon was such a sad man.

Tick Tock Diner
Passiac, New Jersey

Overheard by: JoBell

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What You Never Knew About Clark Kent's Upbringing

Daddy: If you don't eat...
Three-year-old boy: You'll hit my butt? I like it when you hit my butt, it feels good on my super wee-wee!

Chick-fil-A
Columbia, South Carolina

Overheard by: Carrie

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Though This Is More Like a Guatemalan Mother Of Four

Girl, as friend shows apparently horrible picture of new driver's license: Oh, honey, it's okay! As my sister always says, everyone has their Puerto Rican orphan moment, one time or another...

Arabian Restaurant
São Paulo
Brazil

Overheard by: henrietta

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Just Because Of the Short-Shorts and Rollerskates?

Curious brunette: Hey, is that casting agent friend of yours gay?
Exasperated brunette: No! That's the guy I sleep with sometimes. Why does everyone keep asking me that?

Rosepepper Cantina
Nashville, Tennessee

Overheard by: Amy Rose

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These Cardboard Cut-Outs Were a Great Idea!

Grandma, with camera, to grandson (on Father's Day): Jordan! Go pose over there next to dad, dad, and daddy.

Macaroni Grill
Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: SoConfused

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Perhaps the Most Important Thing We Learn from Our Fathers

Young dad, trying to put struggling kid in high chair: Come on, don't be a dick.

Restaurant
Brisbane
Australia

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...She Put Two Drinks Up There?

Sorority girl to another, sitting in booth: Girl, I was double-fisted all night long last night!
Gay dude #1, quite loudly, to gay dude #2: Oh my god! That is so nasty! Who on earth would ever say something like that out in public! I wouldn't want anyone to know that anyone could do anything like that to me, let alone enjoy it! Nasty bitches!
Gay dude #2 to gay dude #1, very quietly: Um, I think she meant she had a drink in both hands, you idiot.
Gay dude #1: Oh.

Chinese Restaurant
Lexington, Kentucky

Overheard by: j-we

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Which Is Why the White House Has Stopped Letting Him Make Calls

Woman at diner: So I answer it, and he goes "Hi! Happy 9/11!"

Restaurant
Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: of bugle be uncouth

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Something Approximately the Size Of a Baby Carrot

Old lady: I'm not very hungry, I'm gonna have something small.
Old man: If you wanted something small, we would have stayed at home and I would have given you something small.

Lester's Diner
Fort Lauderdale, Florida

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Just the Check Then?

Waitress: Do you all need anything else?
Black guy: Do ya'll have some salvation back there in the kitchen?
Black girl: Are you for real? You makin' me laugh so much I'm gonna need a bucket, ya'll got a bucket back there too?

Perkins
Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: Deanna Gustav

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The English Won't Serve Pizza to Just Anyone

Mother to small child: So Paul just has to prove he's a woman now. So that should be fine.

Restaurant
London
England

Overheard by: sneaking a peek

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...As Seen in the Porno Take, Eat, This Is My Booty?

Asian teenage girl: Wait, so did Jesus ejaculate wine?

Starbucks
Red Bank, New Jersey

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And I've Been Looking to Trade Up

Skanky 20-something girl: So the crack dealer who beat me up in the third grade keeps asking me for my number.

Alterra Coffee
Milwaukee, Wisconsin

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Long Story Short, My Vag Now Has an SPF Of 45

20-something woman to friends: He was putting sunscreen on his dick and got a boner!

Plutos Restaurant
Palo Alto, California

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And She Makes an Excellent Paperweight

20-something blonde: It's just...she can't talk, all she does is scream and cry. She's not even a real person yet. I just don't understand how you can love her so much!
Redhead, lovingly cradling baby: Shit, hon, you have to stop saying things like that. She's your daughter!

Café Nero
London
England

Overheard by: Nit

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You'd Rather Be Cheated on with Someone Ugly?

Hot girl: So when I finally met the girl he cheated on me with, I was in shock, because she was about a thousand times hotter than she looked on the picture I found.
Guy friend: Yeah. Well, some people are just not photogenic.
Hot girl: No, you don't understand! She's like supermodel hot, he had like no choice, even I would have fucked that Moroccan bitch right then and there.
Guy friend: That's so hot.
Hot girl: Life is not fair.

Starbucks

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Especially You, Ma'am.

Bag lady, after no one would give her change: You all have small dicks! Small dicks! Small dicks! Small dicks!

Chinatown Restaurant
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Dan

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That's Probably Just the Breeze from Washington

Enthusiastic little boy, entering restaurant with parents: Smells like snakes in here!

Restaurant
Charlottesville, Virginia

Overheard by: pasquinn

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And That Won't Give Her a Yeast Infection?

30-something black man on cell: Yeah. Put ketchup on it, it tastes like spaghetti!

All Star Cafe
Berkeley, California

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According to Our Extremely Reliable Stoned Tour Guide

American dude: Approximately 90% of the wheat bread in the world is consumed by homosexuals.

Outdoor Cafe
Amsterdam
Netherlands

Overheard by: Ladle

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Lovemaking Is Cooperative; Fucking Is Competitive

Dude: She fucks like a division one athlete. I swear, I take three shots of whiskey before I go to her place. I need to have the spins so I have any chance of lasting.

Ten Stone
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: johnny

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As Seen in Two Girls, One Cut

Male suit: Did you know that the most common cosmetic surgery these days is vaginal rejuvenation?
Female suit: "Vaginal rejuvenation," that's a mouthful.

Starbucks
New York

Overheard by: Caged Monkey

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We've Given the Bin Ladens Enough, Sir

Crazy Polish man: I need a receipt!
Cashier: Sir, you can't have a receipt if you didn't buy anything.
Crazy Polish man: I need a receipt. I need a receipt or I'll kill you...because I am Osama Bin Laden.

Starbucks
New York City, New York

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But I Have Bought His Ashes on eBay

Guy in Mexican restaurant: Have you ever met the Pope?
Girl in Mexican restaurant: No. He's dead.

Groton, Connecticut

Overheard by: Newt

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The One You Held Hands with During Our Slumber Party

Fratboy wannabe #1, entering coffee shop, to friend: Dude, I was just attacked by Wes.
Fratboy wannabe #2: Who's Wes? Do I know Wes?
Fratboy wannabe #1: Yeah, yeah. Big guy, lives in our dorm.
Fratboy wannabe #2: The one I gave a hug to last night?
Fratboy wannabe #1: I don't know. I can't keep up.

Golden Roast
Knoxville, Tennessee

Overheard by: Creeped-out Cara

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The Physics Lab That Was Never to Be Repeated

Tall skinny guy: Did you know that three out of every four deaths on roller coasters are girls? It's because they're so small and aerodynamic.

Six Flags
Valencia, California

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That's the Last Time I'll Try Absinthe.

Teen to friend: My house smells like bug spray, and there is blood all over my bed!

Pappadeauxs Restaurant
Houston, Texas

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Speaking Of Which, We Should Totally Go Back to That Leather Bar

Girl #1: I could never be a vegetarian.
Girl #2: Ugh, me neither, I love meat way too much.
Girl #1: I know. Especially when it's been caged and slapped around.
Girl #2: Totally.

Starbucks

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Thanks, Gossip Girl!

Woman to friends: Who would have know that shaving my pubes wouldn't get rid of pubic lice?

Chipotle
Towson, Maryland

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Like a Sleep Number Sex Toy?

Guy, about his job: Right now, we are working on a line where you can make a customized branded dildo to fit your needs.
Woman who just told everyone she is pregnant: That's fantastic!

City Vino Restaurant
Jersey City, New Jersey

Overheard by: entertained witness

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Stay Far Away from the Octomom, Dear Reader

Girl to friend: Then she sends him an e-mail saying that she wants his baby inside her. Talk about mixed messages.

Fred's Diner
Akron, Ohio

Overheard by: Adam

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I Mean, I've Got Room

College girl, yelling at friend: I mean, I hooked up with everyone in Sigma Nu before I was dating him! Why wouldn't I keep hooking up with everyone in Sigma Nu now?

Starbucks
Los Angeles, California

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History's an Unbroken Chain Of Pushing, Wrestling and Girl-Chasing

Four-year-old girl, showing off scrape on arm: I got that on the playground today when Joey pushed me and I fell!
Mom: Joey should keep his hands to himself. Does your teacher tell him that?
Four-year-old girl, like mom is stupid: Moooooom, he's a boy and that's what boys do! They like to push and wrestle and chase girls!
Mom: Um, that may be true, but it still doesn't make it right.

In Line at Starbucks
Bethesda, Maryland

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Dakota Fanning, Parker Posey and Carlos Mencia Failed to Light Up the Small Screen

Young daughter to white mother: You fell in love with a Mexican?
White mom: Yes, I did.
Mexican dad: Unfortunately.

El Fenix
Texas

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In Fact, They Probably Prefer It.

Chick in hoodie: I think they prefer to be called "little people."
Preppy guy: When you're hiring them for a sex act I'm pretty sure it's okay to call them midgets.

Landmark Diner
Port Washington, New York

Overheard by: Hunter (aka

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And With Oysters There's No Guarantee Of Pearls

Loud 20-something girl: Ew! Oysters taste like cum!
Quiet, conservative-looking 20-something girl: No, they don't! (immediately gets embarrassed and receives high fives from others at the table)

The Chimes
Baton Rouge, Louisiana

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How Close to the Burger Should We Bring the Cheese?

Middle aged woman: Can I get a cheeseburger, without the cheese?

Burger King
Dansville, New York

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Like Sand on the Beach, So Are the Balls Of Our Lives

Gay #1: One guy likes to have his junk stepped on, but no punches in them.
Gay #2: Ow!
Gay #1: I don't like balls in my toes, though.
Gay #2: Just think of it as sand on a beach!

Starbucks
Somerville, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Scott

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...Even Though It's Shaped Like St. Peter?

Girlfriend, excited: I know exactly what I'm going to get you for your birthday this year.
Boyfriend: Oh yeah? I know exactly what I am going to get you for your birthday.
Girlfriend: Really? Are you going to get that thing cut off your back?

Cafe
Sydney
Australia

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So I Quit My Job on Capitol Hill

20-something girl to friend: Then one day I look around and think: "where did all these penises come from?"

Lee's Diner
Cambridge, Massachusetts

Overheard by: BoboB

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Sculpted to Look Like a Hamburger

Vegetarian, pointing to pink thing on her plate: What animal is that?
Waitress: That's a pear.

Mt. Vernon, New York

Overheard by: Deek

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TV Has Been Slow to Catch on in Canadia

Older white woman, excitedly: And he just bought the electronic device that's going to save their marriage!

Restaurant
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia

Overheard by: Both disgusted and yet intrigued

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I Don't Judge-- As Long As She Tips

Waiter: Table for three?
Middle aged woman: No, four. I know we look like three but...
Waiter: No, I get it. Imaginary friend.

Tasty Thai
Eugene, Oregon

Overheard by: nyssa

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Of Mufflers and Men?

Guy #1: Check out that girl's ensemble. Interesting.
Gut #2: I bet she read a book about how to wear her scarf.

Antonio's Pizza
Providence, Rhode Island

Overheard by: Chris

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She Was Getting All Verklempt Up in Here

Drunk girl: So she was teaching him Ebonics, and he was teaching her Yiddish...

Parish Cafe
Boston, Massachusetts

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Your Editors Will Watch Drew Barrymore in the Weakest Of Romantic Comedies

20-something girl freaking out after hanging up cell phone: I can't do this! I can't talk to him right now! Will you pretend to be me?
20-something friend: I can't! He'll know because of my lisp!

Chipotle
Lawrence, Kansas

Overheard by: Alexandra

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At Least I've Stopped Singing the Score to The Mikado

Asian tranny, bowing to group of exiting patrons: Thank you, puh-rease come again!
Very femme male waiter, exasperated: Oh, shut up!

Restaurant
San Francisco, California

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How to Gain Great Face in a Sushi Restaurant

Waiter: Does anyone have a green Firebird?
20-something lesbian: I do, why?
Waiter: It's on fire in the parking lot!
(20-something lesbian and girlfriend go outside and return ten minutes later)
Waitress: Is everything okay?
20-something lesbian, matter of factly: Yeah, my car just caught fire. Can we have another plate?
Girlfriend, unaffected: Also, she ordered tempura.

Sushi Garden
Tucson, Arizona

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

First Of All, There's Hardly Any Literacism There.

Elderly man to elderly gaggle: Why's everyone wasting their time trying to raise money for Africa? Africa's a wretched country.

Max's German Restaurant
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Ladle

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

You Bet Your Honduras!

Customer pointing to guacamole: Can you put some of that Guatemala on it?

Chipotle
Washington, DC

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

They'd Kick Themselves When Lauren Hutton's Career Took Off

Guy #1: She is just not attractive. I thought it might help when she smiled, but it didn't.
Guy #2: I know! It only makes it worse.

Wendy's
Carrollton, Texas

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Translation: Dad's Not Leaving Us Much

Woman to friends holding books: I finally told him, "I don't care if your father dies tonight--I am not missing book club!"

Coffee Shop
Kenosha, Wisconsin

Overheard by: a coffee gal

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

So of Course I'm Bummed That They'll All Burn in a Lake of Hellfire

Mormon girl: When I grow up, I want to celebrate Chanukah! I mean, I just like Jews. I like Jew food, Jew noses, Jew hair styles... Oh my gosh, I love those curly bangs! I just want to pull one and watch it go "sproinnnnng!"

IHOP
Salt Lake City, Utah

Overheard by: I'm Jewish, but surprisingly NOT offended...

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

What Happens When Whoopi Goldberg Is Your Bible School Teacher

Mother to young son: What did you learn in church today?
Son: I told you.
Mother: What was it again?
Son: That when you play tic-tac-toe it's best to pick the middle square.

Costco
Boise, Idaho

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Does That Mean My Baby Is Gifted?

Woman to friend: What he has started doing now is picking his nose with his toe.

National Coney Island
Royal Oak, Michigan

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...of Color

Elderly woman: I can't believe they let you sell Obama cookies here! Tsk!
Employee: Ma'am, those are just gingerbread cookies.

Stonewall Kitchen
Portsmouth, New Hampshire

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The Good News Is, the Smell of Poop Makes Me Read

Girl: I shat my pants at a Barnes & Noble once.
Guy: Could it be because you ate scallops?
Girl: No, it's because the smell of books makes me poop.

Denny's
Vincennes, Indiana

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Takes a Man Years to Forgive Himself for Saying Such Things

Too hip 20-something: But you have to also create an environment where epic things can transpire...

Walzwerk Restaurant
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: glamour-geek

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Though Dancing on the Altar Was My Idea

Girl #1, after hearing embarrassing story: Yeah, that reminds me of the time I got kicked out of the Vatican for being a whore.
Girl #2: Seriously? Kicked out?
Girl #1: It was my dad's fault, though. He told me I could wear my short skirt.

Thai Restaurant
Boone, North Carolina

Overheard by: Elizabeth

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Told My Dad It Was a Sports Injury. He's Never Been Prouder.

Emo boy: Matt! Tell her how you fucked up your face!
Matt: I was rubbing one out in the shower and when I came, my knees gave out and I hit my head on the faucet.
Emo girl (gasping and laughing hysterically): That is best thing I have ever heard!

Starbucks
New Mexico

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Wouldn't Want People to Think I'm Less Than a Lady

20-year-old female emo: So basically, after hours of arguing outside his house, I was so fed up I told him to fucking suck my dick.
30-year-old female friend: Wow, what happened after that?
20-year-old female emo: I left. He was being such a fucking cunt. I wanted to piss in his mouth. He made me drive home drunk!
30-year-old female friend: He could at least offer to like, let you spend the night.
20-year-old female friend: Like, I don't even know, he's such a bitch boyfriend. I honestly hopes he gets the herpes.
30-year-old female friend: You have such a dirty mouth.
20-year-old female emo: Oh, is my lipstick smudged or something?

Starbucks
San Francisco, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

How You Know It's Time for a Vacation

Waitress: That comes with a side salad.
Woman at booth: I'll have a salad with ranch.
(10 minutes later)
Woman at booth: What is this?
Waitress: Your salad?
Woman at booth, loudly sobbing: I ordered a Caesar salad!
Waitress, at the top of her lungs: We have other salads! We have other salads! They are in the fridge!

Restaurant
Boardman, Ohio

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

We Can't Discuss Literature, But the Sex Is Fantastic

Woman #1: Do you think that he's kind of young for her?
Woman #2: You know, I've realized that age really doesn't matter. I'm dating a baby right now.

Thai Food Restaurant
Sturbridge, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Sarah

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Dos Cervezas, Por Favor!

Four-year-old boy, excitedly, as he and his family are being seated: Beer! Beer! Dad, they have beer here!

El Metate Mexican Restaurant
Soddy-Daisy, Tennessee

Overheard by: Mrs. H.

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And Your Kicks Were Fast As Lightning

Older man in baggy clothes, waiting in line: You're a Kung Fu master.
College girl (amused): How'd you know?
Older nan: I sensed your Chi.

Burger King
Worcester, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Emily

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Wikipedia Always Leaves Out the Important Information

Guy: I just want to know how big his nipples are!

Revolution Cafe
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: crafty biotech

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Chives Are the Respectable Republican Cloth Coat of Herbs

Customer: I'll have a large hot chocolate, a chocolate glazed donut, and a plain bagel with smoked salmon cream cheese on the side.
Drive-thru grunt: What did you say for the cream cheese on the side?
Customer: Smoked salmon.
Drive-thru grunt: Oh, we don't have that kind.
Customer: What kinds of cream cheese do you have?
Drive-thru grunt: We have chive. Chive is like smoked salmon.
Customer: Uh...yeah.

Bangor, Maine

Overheard by: just wanted a coffee

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Totally!

Brunette girl: So like, if I had a mustache, would you tell me?
Tall blonde friend: Of course, would you tell me?
Brunette: Totally.
Tall blonde: I totally have a mustache?!
Brunette: No, no, no...I would totally tell you if you did, but you don't!
Tall blonde: Oh, okay.
(several seconds pass, they sip drinks)
Tall blonde: So we're having topless sleepover at my place tonight, right?

Red Maple
Baltimore, Maryland

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The Same Reason I Snort the Pretty White Dust

(mother pouring sugar in her coffee)
Little boy: Mom, why do you drink dirty water?
Mother: Because of you.

Starbucks
Chicago, Illinois

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

See? Was That So Hard, Pancake-Chest?

Girl #1: Sometimes I judge you silently in my head.
Girl #2: Yeah, everyone does that. I think people should start saying what they're really thinking. We should all have running monologues about what's going through our heads.
Girl #1: Really?
Girl #2: Yeah. Like, this one time, me and my friend....
Girl #1: I think you're a bitch.

Starbucks
San Jose, California

Overheard by: Robert

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

We Thought We'd Give Him Something to Make Him Extra Hyper

Five-year-old boy to barista: I'm getting my pee-pee cut off tomorrow so I get a treat today!
Barista: Umm...
Mother to child: You are being circumcised, not mutilated! (to barista) It's just a medical thing, he doesn't really get it.

Starbucks
Carmel, Indiana

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

No, But I'd Love a Stranger Telling Me How to Live My Life

Impossibly cheerful Australian: I'd like two scoops of coffee coffee coffee buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz, please!
Alarmed counter guy: Uh, do you need it?

Ben & Jerry's
Berkeley, California

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

White People: "We're Not Touching This One."

Fat black woman to son running away: Don't make me go African American on your ass, now get back here!

Shafer Dining
Richmond, Virginia

Overheard by: Lacy

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Like High Explosive, Ignorance Has a Shockwave

Blond cocktail waitress, looking at a t-shirt of George Bush and his dad with Dumb and Dumber under photos: Who is that?
Chef: Excuse me! Are you serious?
Blond cocktail waitress (a few seconds later, with dumbfounded look): Ooooooh! Is that our President? Then who is that? (pointing to the photo of Bush Sr)
Chef (grabbing head in agony): Owww!

Lulu's Restaurant
Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: Ben

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

A New Direction in Québec's Quest for Independence

Man: And there were women dressed as men who looked like little Japanese girls playing video games!

Boston Pizza, Toronto
Canadia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Ad: Canadia-- Come for the Chicken, Stay for the Toilets!

Swedish tourist: We came here for the chicken, but will remember it for the toilets.

Swiss Chalet
Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: Glad I didn't go downstairs...

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And Almost As Many Holes As Most Political Speeches

Old lady: Look at that cheese--such a pretty color! Like one of Hillary Clinton's pantsuits.

Santa Rita Cantina
Austin, Texas

Overheard by: Katie

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Mike Hunt Fights the Temptation to Change His Name

Older lady customer: Are you Chris?
Manager guy: No, I'm Mike.
Older lady customer: Are you Carl?
Manager guy: No, I'm still Mike.

Perkins Restaurant
Westfall, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Veronica @ http://everythingisused.blogspot.com/

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And So God Invented the Sun

Little boy: Today is the perfect day for a yellow balloon.

Restaurant
Vancouver
Canadia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

His Parents Banked on the Inadequacies of American Sex Ed

Overweight mom with toddler: Then he found out he was a hermaphrodite, a boy cursed with the body of a woman. He grew up never knowing...never knowing a thing.
Overweight friend: Wouldn't ya know?

Seattle's Best Coffee
Phoenix, Arizona

Overheard by: All You Can Eat

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Out Shaking Her Balance Sheet on a Friday Night

Teen girl #1: Okay, okay, look at that girl over there.
Teen girl #2: Which one?
Teen girl #1: The one with the short skirt, revealing halter top, and cowboy boots--what do you think of her?
Teen girl #2: I don't know what you're asking.
Teen girl #3: What do you think she does for a living?
Teen girl #2: I don't know, she could be an accountant.

Steak 'n Shake
Springfield, Missouri

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I'm Singlehandedly Working to Clean Up Her Rep

Guy to friend: No, man, I mean...she's not a *whore* whore, just a whore.

Outside City Bistro
Hoboken, New Jersey

Overheard by: Chris Maimone

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Need More Channels on My TV

Girl #1: I never saw what you saw in him.
Girl #2: Yeah, you're right. I was bored. It's like the whole "never go grocery shopping hungry" thing--I guess one should never jump into a relationship when bored or lonely.

Coffeehouse
Lansing, Michigan

Overheard by: Sweet Tea

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

When God Closes a Tomb, He Opens the Doors

Lunching law firm girl #1: Oh god, when it comes to my track record... Seriously, I've dated two vampires and a guy who thought he was Jim Morrison reincarnated.
Lunching law firm girl #2: That's ridiculous. (pause) My junior year high school English teacher was Jim Morrison reincarnated. God!

Quizno's
Tucson, Arizona

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Riverdale Hasn't Been the Same Since Archie Went Off the Rails

Teenage girl #1: I mean, what's the point of dating an ugly, short, junior with herpes and acne if he doesn't even have his learner's permit?
Teenage girl #2: Shut up and eat.

Shari's Restaurant
Beaverton, Oregon

Overheard by: Claire

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Warm Syrup Seemed Like a Great Idea--at First

Young mother to four-year-old boy: C'mon, sweetie, let's wash your hands.
Sarcastic father: Yeah, dude, you're disgusting.
Boy (increasingly louder): Yes. I am disgusting. You know what else is disgusting? My penis!

IHOP
Hammond, Louisiana

Overheard by: The Only Small Press in Bumfuck

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

None Of Your Five-Dollar-Footlong Parents for Us!

Lady to guy eating a sub: But both mine and his parents' are life-sized!

Sub Factory
Tempe, Arizona

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Well, I Suppose You're Worthy

Waitress: Can I get you something to drink?
Boyfriend: Uh yeah, a Sprite please.
Waitress: Is 7 Up okay?
Boyfriend: Uh...sure.
Waitress: And for you?
Girlfriend: Can I get a Sprite?

New Market
Canadia

Overheard by: meggler

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Hell Begins When the Buzz Wears Off

Teen guy to teen girls: Starbucks is like heaven! Everyone at Starbucks is happy and nice to each other, because they're drinking coffee, and that makes people happy!

Starbucks, Southern Cross Station
Melbourne
Australia

Overheard by: XPIOTOS

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Scooby and the Gang Stage an Intervention for Velma

Father: Sweetie, your affection for the dog is causing you to hallucinate.

Empress Pavillion
Chinatown, California

Overheard by: Yapplebee

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

When You Abducted That Thong It Was Like You Ripped Out My Very Soul

20-something crying girl: You. Don't. Get. It. I bleed Victoria's Secret.

Duff's Wings
Buffalo, New York

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Whoever Cares the Least Wins the Fight

Woman (sarcastically): I'm sorry, I'm such a bitch.
Man: Hmm...
Woman: You think I'm a bitch, don't you?
Man: I didn't say that.
Woman: You didn't disagree with me.
Man: You know yourself better than I do.
Woman: I can't believe you called me a bitch.
Man: I didn't call you a bitch, you called yourself a bitch.
Woman: But you didn't tell me I'm not a bitch.
Man: Because you're acting like a bitch.
Woman: See? You think I'm a bitch!
Man: I said you were acting like a bitch.
Woman: Whats the difference?
Man: Dustin Hoffman acted like a retard, but it doesn't mean he is one.
Woman: I don't know what that's supposed to mean, but you're a dick for thinking I'm a bitch.
Man: Do you mean I'm acting like a dick or I am a dick?
Woman: Fuck you! (storms out)
Man: Too easy. Caramel Macchiato please!

Starbucks
Westminster, Colorado

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Wolf Titties Are Hot This Year

Guy: It's not like he has one extra nipple... He has two.
Girl: He's like a rat!

Starbucks
Hollywood, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Some Gay Marriage Opponents' "Slippery Slope" Arguments Are Tenuous at Best

Really tall hippie to really short girl in overalls: If that's what you think, then why can't I rape dead people?

El Campesino
Altoona, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Louise H

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

If It Didn't Grow in Our Garden, She's Not Interested

Cracked out old lady: Yeah, I think it's time for me to get a new dildo.
Cracked out old guy: Oh, really? Why?
Cracked out old lady: I don't know... I'm not getting the same vibrations anymore. You should tell your wife to get one.
Cracked out old guy: Nahh, I don't think she'd enjoy it...
Cracked out old lady: Yeah, true, true.

McDonald's
Surrey, BC
Canadia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I'll Bet Oscar the Grouch Would Be Into Flogging

Drunk girl to friends: Dave and I were talking about which Muppet is hottest. I said the Count. He says Cookie Monster.
Dave: The Count would count every thrust! One... Hahaha... Two... Hahaha...
Drunk girl: But the Cookie Monster would get crumbs in the bed!

Downtown Grill and Brewery
Knoxville, Tennessee

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...the Underwear Model?

Woman walking out to parking lot to random guy: Hey dude, I have a picture of you in your underwear! Are you Jared's roommate?

Mexican Restaurant
Stillwater, Oklahoma

Overheard by: Confused yet amused vet student

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

It May Have Returned to Its Birthplace in China to Spawn

Chick #1: I'm gonna have to break down and spring for a land line.
Chick #2: How come?
Chick #1: So I can find my cell phone in my apartment.

Starbucks
San Rafael, California

Overheard by: Where'd I put my coffee?

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

In South Carolina, Getting a Piece of Tail Involves Surgery

Teenage waitress telling baby boomer male customer her medical issues: Yeah, and I got this tail thing right here. (points at lower back) It looks like I'm growing a tail.

Fatz Cafe
Lexington, South Carolina

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

This Baby Can Wait 'Til I'm Done with My Deep-Dish

Woman eating pizza with friends: So, do you want to go to the hospital? Okay, I'm on my way...I'll be a few minutes though. (hangs up and continues eating)

Louis Pizza
Detroit, Michigan

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

So This Summer I Learned How to Snatch-Gargle

20-something chick, pouring wine: I hear wine is a good cure for gonorrhea.

Tiger Noodles
Princeton, New Jersey

Overheard by: Brokeass Harem

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I May Also Be Kin to This Cheeseburger

Slightly crazy lady to older man sitting nearby: Hey! You look like my uncle Smitty! Are you kin to me?
Old man, startled: Um, no, I don't think so.
Lady: Well, you never know. I did that genealogy thing and it turns out that I am kin to Pocahontas, Thomas Jefferson and half the men that died at The Alamo.

Dan's Hamburgers
Austin, Texas

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I'm Known As the Paul Revere of Gaudy Accessories

Lesbian with terrible tie: I am the vanguard of the revolution.

Cozy Corner Diner & Pancake House
Chicago, Illinois

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Relationships Have Been Built on Less

Skinny girl to prettier friend: You can't toss him a mercy fuck every time his father dies.

Arby's
Tempe, Arizona

Overheard by: Gwen West

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

You're Right, That Is U.S. Foreign Policy

Waitress talking in the kitchen: I'm going to come back there and smack you till you smile. (now sings loudly) I'm going to come back there and smack you till you smile!

International House of Pancakes
Kansas

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

We Don't Make These Up

Annoying daughter: Ewww, don't order broccoli pizza. That's gross!
White trash mom: Smell my armpit.
Annoying daughter: Okay!
White trash mom: Here, smell this one too.

Roma Pizza
Ocean City, New Jersey

Overheard by: grossed out

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

We're on to You, Kathy Griffin

Exceedingly pale college guy: You can't trust redheads. They don't blink their eyes at the same time.
Exceedingly pale high school guy: (nods in understanding)

Arby's
Tempe, Arizona

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...Ginseng, St. John's Wort, Some Gravel from the Driveway, a Lego...

Tattooed guy: I once tried to smoke Aloe vera.

Taste of India
Minneapolis, Minnesota

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Barkeep, Another Hot Toddy for My Toddler!

Hipster girl: I know a couple people who have to wear diapers when they drink!

Old Tavern Bar & Grill
Sacramento, California

Overheard by: kat

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Weirdest Roommate Ever

Loud man: ...and he wakes me up at night licking my eyelids!

Siam Orchid
Manchester, New Hampshire

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Don't Think I Wanna Play Dungeons and Dragons with You Anymore

Serious biker: Virgins are great! You can use them as currency.

Blowfish Sushi
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: tangotravellers

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Joke's on You--I've Got Some in My Purse

Waitress: What kind of dressing would you like on your salad? We have French, Thousand Island and Italian.
Gorgeous blond: I'll have Ranch.
Waitress: No.

Glenwood Springs, Colorado

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

They Tend to Appear at Random, Rather Like Elves.

Girl to friend: Well, I woke up naked, again, with a quesadilla in my bed, again, so I say it was a pretty average night.

Eclipse de Sol Restaurant
Atlanta, Georgia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Then It's All: "Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk--Got Yer Boobie!"

College girl #1: You laugh a lot during sex, then?
College girl #2: I think you have to laugh during sex. Otherwise it's too solemn. I mean, sex is like: "Oh yeah, oh yeah, queef."

Chinese Restaurant
Columbus, Mississippi

Overheard by: Megan S.

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

He Was Made Out of Gingerbread and Frosting

Suit to other: Then he kept trying to sell me this little boy for a dollar...

Taco Bell
Colorado Springs, Colorado

Overheard by: Brandon

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Since He Kept Me Up So Late Last Night

Middle-aged woman to another: I said, "Let's go to church," and she said, "No, I'm going to stay in bed with Jesus today."

Outside Mexican restaurant
Hammond, Louisiana

Overheard by: Booksie in Bumfuck

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

They Should Be in a Nursing Home, Singing "Stay True to Your Stool"

Dude #1: I heard they were trying to get The Beach Boys for that motorcycle rally.
Dude #2: Man, that really says a lot about who is riding motorcycles these days. And it's not good.

Lone Star Floathouse & Grill
New Braunfels, Texas

Overheard by: D2

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

See My Rattail?

Man at bar: What do you girls do for a living?
Attractive women: We're in sales, you?
Man: You're in sales? I think you need a career change.
Women: I'm sorry, what do you do?
Man: I'm with the carnival.

Country Bar
Fort Worth, Texas

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And Was Forced to Read the Congressional Record

Girl: Do you know what a pearl necklace is?
Woman: I didn't learn about any of that shit until I worked on the Senate floor.

Kokomo's
Linglestown, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: M.J.M.

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

How Many National Secrets Are Spilled

Little girl to mom: This ice cream is screwing with my mind.

McDonald's
Dayton, Ohio

Overheard by: heather

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Vertical Bars Are So Slimming

20-something goth/thug girl: Remember the time I went to jail? I didn't want to leave!

Denny's
San Antonio, Texas

Overheard by: I didn't want to be at dennys

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

They Usually Have Pretty Cool Stereo Equipment

Customer: My therapist wants me to start thinking of men as friends. Seriously though, if you can't fuck'em, what's the point?

Espresso Drive Thru
Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: The Barista Who Loves Her Job

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Well, I Got a Lap Dance in the Buffet Line

Girl one: Smell my face. Smell right here. Doesn't it smell great? The stripper I got a lap dance from was wearing great perfume.
Girl two: It smells like pickles.

Toby Keith's Restaurant
Las Vegas, Nevada

Overheard by: At least it doesn't smell like tuna

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And Now the Judge Says I Can't Babysit There?

Girl to fourteen classmates: I do *everything* in the bathroom!

The Melting Pot
New Jersey

Overheard by: supersecret!

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The Pope: Perhaps I Haven't Been Clear...

Cool college chick to friends: Ya know, birth control is the thing that makes sex okay.

Mexican Restaurant
Virginia

Overheard by: KMCV

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

They Have a Cool Little Hotspot Called Bar Nun

Balding yuppie guy on cell: All things being equal, I would like to drink.
(pause)
Balding yuppie guy on cell: Oh, so you guys are drinking in the convent?

Saxby's Coffee
Georgetown, Washington, DC

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Is That How the Peter Rabbit Story Is Supposed to End?

Surprised biker: And once he was released from custody, he never ate rice again.

Outside Burger Joint
Glendale, California

Overheard by: Brady

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Assume That Means a General Lack of Randiness

Girl: What about her? She's cute.
Guy: Yeah... but her boobs are small.
Girl: What's wrong with small boobs anyway?
Guy: They're... not... big.

Restaurant, Oregon

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Categories: B

The Plot Of Every Romantic Comedy, in a Nutshell.

Stay Away from Drugs, Kids!

Also How He Chooses a House Of Worship.

...Look What Happened to Me!

Or Anywhere, Really

...Mine Just Tells Me to Burn Things.

Mr. Woods Has Nothing to Fear From Me

Your Editors Gave Up on Lost During Season One

Oh, and One Of Your Mudslides, Please.

...Says the Woman Who Has a Crush on Those Twins in The Suite Life Of Zack & Cody?

Until Its Sour Cream Came Out

Which Isn't Very Hard.

Just Chillin' in Central Park

At Least There's No Violin Shortage

Frankly, You Should Be More Worried About That Burrito

We Also Would Have Accepted "Cuban"

Preferably in the Drawing Room With a Candlestick

A Man Needs a Cool Head to Eat at Denny's

I Also Feel Strangely Ashamed.

In Unrelated News, Want Some Homemade Cookies?

Gin?

Um, What?

Then They Both Let Out Super-Sighs.

...But Then It Also Counts As Your Birthday Present.

And Cardiac Arrest Is Just Your Body Saying "Thank You"

...Learned That the Hard Way.

So You and the Doctors Keep Saying...

Evidence That Sex and the City Would've Been a *Lot* More Interesting If It Had Involved Plus-Sized Sistahs

These Are the Moments They'll Cherish Forever

...Plus, I Prefer Anal. Anal!!

Ten Bucks Says They're American

...More Gelato?

I Think He Got the Gist When I Fucked Him and Then Stole His Wallet

You're Sending Me a Lot Of Mixed Messages

Since the Rain Machine Is Broken

Sad About Getting Caught

What You Never Knew About Clark Kent's Upbringing

Though This Is More Like a Guatemalan Mother Of Four

Just Because Of the Short-Shorts and Rollerskates?

These Cardboard Cut-Outs Were a Great Idea!

Perhaps the Most Important Thing We Learn from Our Fathers

...She Put Two Drinks Up There?

Which Is Why the White House Has Stopped Letting Him Make Calls

Something Approximately the Size Of a Baby Carrot

Just the Check Then?

The English Won't Serve Pizza to Just Anyone

...As Seen in the Porno Take, Eat, This Is My Booty?

And I've Been Looking to Trade Up

Long Story Short, My Vag Now Has an SPF Of 45

And She Makes an Excellent Paperweight

You'd Rather Be Cheated on with Someone Ugly?

Especially You, Ma'am.

That's Probably Just the Breeze from Washington

And That Won't Give Her a Yeast Infection?

According to Our Extremely Reliable Stoned Tour Guide

Lovemaking Is Cooperative; Fucking Is Competitive

As Seen in Two Girls, One Cut

We've Given the Bin Ladens Enough, Sir

But I Have Bought His Ashes on eBay

The One You Held Hands with During Our Slumber Party

The Physics Lab That Was Never to Be Repeated

That's the Last Time I'll Try Absinthe.

Speaking Of Which, We Should Totally Go Back to That Leather Bar

Thanks, Gossip Girl!

Like a Sleep Number Sex Toy?

Stay Far Away from the Octomom, Dear Reader

I Mean, I've Got Room

History's an Unbroken Chain Of Pushing, Wrestling and Girl-Chasing

Dakota Fanning, Parker Posey and Carlos Mencia Failed to Light Up the Small Screen

In Fact, They Probably Prefer It.

And With Oysters There's No Guarantee Of Pearls

How Close to the Burger Should We Bring the Cheese?

Like Sand on the Beach, So Are the Balls Of Our Lives

...Even Though It's Shaped Like St. Peter?

So I Quit My Job on Capitol Hill

Sculpted to Look Like a Hamburger

TV Has Been Slow to Catch on in Canadia

I Don't Judge-- As Long As She Tips

Of Mufflers and Men?

She Was Getting All Verklempt Up in Here

Evidence That Sex and the City Would've Been a Lot More Interesting If It Had Involved Plus-Sized Sistahs