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...But Isn't That Why I'm Here?
Cheerful student: Cheer up! It's going to be okay.
Glum professor: Says who? You?
Cheerful student: Yes!
Glum professor: But you don't know anything.
Cheerful student: True!
UC Berkeley School of Journalism
California
Let's Hope She's Kidding
Guy to girl: So, do you call him "camp" for short?
Girl dead seriously: No, I call him master. He is my boyfriend, you know.
English Class
Tampa, Florida
So, Regardless, We're Going Green.
Student, as professor walks into classroom: Tomorrow's Earth Day!
Professor: Yesterday was 4/20!
Classroom, College of Marin
Marin County, California
Hence The Taming Of the Jew
Girl at history class: Ohhh, I get it! So, Shakespeare got his ideas from Hitler!
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: Toya Lah
"Ethics Of Video Games?" Excuse Us.
Ethics of video games professor: And that's why they stoned women in the middle ages. Brunette, whispering: I think he gets off on video games.
Blonde, whispering: Ham?
Brunette, whispering: Him!
Blonde, whispering: I am not a ham!
(both girls start laughing)
Professor: Excuse me?
DePaul University
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Margo
See, This Is Why I Came Here
Girl: Wow! Einstein was like really smart!
Astronomy Class
UCSC, California
Overheard by: Eric
When Camel Toe Becomes Hammer Toe
Teacher: Pants so tight it could snap your vagina off!
Sex-Ed Class
Tampa, Florida
Isn't Saying "We're Texas Lutherans" Sufficient?
Professor: Everyone who thinks it's this answer jump up and say, "I'm brilliant!"
(nobody moves)
Professor: Everyone who thinks it's this answer jump up and say, "I'm not so brilliant, yet."
(nobody moves)
Professor: Everyone else jump up and say, "I'm inhibited!"
Organic Chemistry Class
Texas Lutheran University
Overheard by: Kimberly
Categories: Class | Offers and requests | Teachers | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Sentence Fragments Baaaad!
Professor: I want to please you... Not with goats, but with sentences.
Greek Class
UCLA, California
Overheard by: shepherd
Categories: Animals | California | Class | Colleges & Universities | Education | Teachers | Weirdness | Posted 2010-03-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Casting Agents Get More Like Pimps Every Day
Girl on cell: Look, fine, then if you don't want Lucy Liu I'll hook you up with her sister. Then you can have two for one!
Film Class
Queen's University
Canadia
Overheard by: Umm can I get in on that?
Categories: About celebrities | Canadia | Class | Girls | Jobs & Careers | Offers and requests | On the phone | Posted 2010-03-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Judging from the Residue I Discovered on One Of Your Quizzes
Professor: Here you are, every day, sitting in this little cave which is evolutionary very stupid. You're not reproducing while you are in here. You aren't even trying to... Well, maybe that's not true.
Psychiatric Physiology Class
Pomona, California
Overheard by: Whats He talking about again???
Which Was Also Wrong, But Seemed So Right at the Time
Girl, about test: Um, I got number 34 right and it's marked wrong!
Rest of class: Yeah.
Professor: I know. I already gave you all credit. Just ignore that, it must be some leftover meth use from my college years.
Auburn, Alabama
I'm Beginning to Regret Teaching You How to Use Anthrax
Teacher to chattering students: Quit discussing biochemical warfare!
Biology Classroom
Auckland
New Zealand
You Altar Boys Know What I'm Talking About
English professor: I know what you're thinking. Two pages! I can write that with half a bottle of whiskey in me and my hands tied behind my back!
Cardinal Stritch University
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Pets Being the Obvious Exception
British individual rights professor: States can't go around cutting people's bollocks off because they've been naughty.
Law Class
St. Louis, Missouri
..."The Lord" to You Christians and Jews
Teacher, lecturing on post WWII German artwork: Creepy sneaky guy is watching you!
History Class
Eugene, Oregon
...And Bring Out the Visual Aids.
Student, about the economy: Well, what if I just took my big stick and made them give me their resources?
Professor: Well, let's just imagine that your stick isn't big enough to extract the resources you want. (chuckles) Sometimes there's no pleasure in the big stick. Okay, I'm gonna stop talking about sticks now.
Classroom
UC Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: Kelly
And We're Glad You Did.
(professor starts to write on the board. The chalk breaks. Class laughs. Professor turns around and bumps into the desk. Class laughs harder)
Professor: Shut up! Shut up and listen to me! I am teaching you things and being enthusiastic! ...much as I dislike each and every one of you!
Student: Oh man, I am so writing that down.
SUNY Potsdam
New York
Overheard by: minibab
It's Vital to Be Clear About Which Classes You're Cutting
Biology professor, a month into school: You have an exam next Monday... I mean Tuesday. Next Tuesday. (chuckle) You don't have this class on Mondays.
Really blonde girl in the back: Wait! We don't?!
Blinn College
Brenham, Texas
Overheard by: Face Palm
And Make Our Points Without Using the Word "Whatever"
Girl in anthropology class: So... Islam says that men can marry four wives, but women can only marry one husband. Whatever.
Professor: Let's try to maintain some cultural relativism!
Collegeville, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: nina
Categories: Class | Compare and contrast | Education | Pennsylvania | Relationships | Religion | Students | Teachers | Posted 2009-09-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Think a Musical About the Nazis Has Been Done, Sir.
Professor to creative writing class: This is probably one of the smartest things I've ever stumbled upon in my life, so I shouldn't blow my load this early.
University of Wisconsin
Overheard by: Mixi
Their Gary Glitter/ Al Gore Poster Became a Worldwide Sensation
Teacher: So, what would you like to put on your poster?
Third grade boy: Glitter!
Third grade girl: Gore!
Acting Class
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Now That Metal Rods Are the Latest Fashion Craze
Teacher: Okay, now what you do think is the chance of being killed by being struck by lightning?
Bimbette: Ummmm... probably like, one in two.
Class: (silence)
Teacher: One in two?
Bimbette: Wait! Make that one in ten.
Classroom
Sydney
Australia
Who Was Supposed to Bring the Lube Today?
History teacher: Ah, sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll. Well, I definitely did the rock 'n' roll bit. Not the drugs, though. And uh... Hm. So did you all do the assignment?
11th Grade History Class
Hong Kong
China
Now Everyone Brace Yourselves While I Release the Bee
Teacher: If there's a bee flying around the classroom, I don't want you to freak out. But, if you get stung by a bee, I want you to jump up, scream, run for the door, run into the door because you didn't open it, scream again, and run out. If you're going to disturb the class, we might as well get a laugh out of it.
Bristol, Vermont
Overheard by: Misaki
Or Don't Be the Idiot Who Schedules Things Before Noon
Professor, at 8 am: If coffee doesn't work, drink RedBull. But if that doesn't work, I suggest amphetamines or heroin.
Class, SUNY
Purchase, New York
Overheard by: Jessica
Don't Bite the Hand That Grades You
Annoying professor, about optical illusion on slide: What do you all see here?
Student: A moron with tenure.
Carleton University
Ottawa
Canadia
How Professor Schmidt Got Mugged in Harlem
Professor: Many theaters are located in New York's East Village, located in the northwestern part of Manhattan.
OSU Theatre Class
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Rachel Jane
In Smell-O-Vision
Professor, trying to motivate class: Sometimes, you just need to...to look up, and...and smell...the big picture.
Carleton University
Ottawa
Canadia
Or "Dy-no-miiiiite"?
Kooky English professor, leading discussion: Now, what if the raven had said "chicken soup"?
Birmingham-Southern College
Birmingham, Alabama
Overheard by: lenore
You've All Signed Your Liability Waivers, Right?
Professor: Are there any questions before we begin the final?
Girl: Can we tear pages out of the exam?
Professor: Yes, we have the technology to reassemble it. (waves stapler around)
Managerial Accounting Class
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: Ariel
Categories: California | Class | Default | Education | Girls | Questions | Students | Teachers | Technology | Posted 2009-06-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Thankfully I've Brought Enough for the Class
Literature professor, after reciting Hamlet's "To be or not to be...": So now you all need a Valium...count on me to ruin your day.
English Lit Class
Anchorage, Alaska
Overheard by: Rosencrantz
...After You Put Your Legs Up on Your Desk, Ma'am.
Male lab instructor: So, really, it's totally unnatural for a human baby to pass through such a small birth canal when their heads are so big. But it's also unnatural for us to give birth laying down. We should stand. Then the canal is more open, and gravity does most of the work. We are fighting nature. Now, why am I talking about pregnancy? I lost my train of thought.
Anthropology Class
Kent State University, Ohio
Categories: Body parts | Class | Compare and contrast | Default | Employees | Guys | Ohio | Pregnancy | Questions | Posted 2009-05-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Can You Prove He Didn't?
Teacher: Who lived at Monticello?
Student: Darth Vader!
History Classroom
Idaho
The Difference Between Swedish and American Universities
Professor: We must go out and procreate!
Swedish History Class
Uppsala University
Sweden
Overheard by: Amused Exchange Student
When You Locate the Controls Of Your Spacecraft
Quirky lesbian professor leading class in Kegel exercises: And everybody squeeze, hold, hold...release and squeeze, two, three...release.
Ditzy Indian, after shiver spasm: It gives me the willies!
Quirky lesbian professor: It's great, right!
Health Ed Class
Borough of Manhattan Community College, New York
Overheard by: Trying not to laugh at all the serious faces trying to hide these private exercises
Categories: Asians | Class | Default | Education | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Lesbos | New York | Offers and requests | Teachers | Posted 2009-04-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How The Wizard Of Oz Became a Navy Training Film: Explained
Midshipman: It's midgets, sir.
Skeptical lieutenant: Is it like albino midgets or something?
Midshipman: No, sir, regular midgets.
Skeptical lieutenant: Oh well...okay, then.
NROTC Classroom
Atlanta, Georgia
Only Lightly Misting on Shirtless, Muscley Ones
British lit professor, on gays: I have honestly never seen it rain on a gay person. Never. Not once in my life.
Georgia State Lit Class
Professor Monica Lewinsky Knows Whereof She Speaks
Professor: So, when you walk out of here in four years with a BJ under your belt, you'll be more experienced and know the basics.
Journalism Class
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
And Why Do I Continue to Have Unsatisfying Sex with the TA?
Professor: See, humans have what Aristotle calls "rational souls," meaning we use intellect. Humans ask questions that other living things can't, like "what is god? What is the divine problem? Where are my Nunchuks? Where did I leave them?"
Philosophy Class, UC
Santa Barbara, California
As It Says My Big Book Of Things Only Men Are Fired for Saying
Professor to girl walking into class with a large box: Wow, you have such a big package! (entire class starts laughing) I am so getting fired today.
Emerson College
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: miao miao
Categories: Class | Compliments | Default | Euphemisms | Jobs & Careers | Massachusetts | Teachers | Words | Posted 2009-03-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ever Eaten in Our Cafeteria?
Teacher to student: See, why can't you be more of a brown noser, like him? (points at another student)
Student: Because I don't like the taste of ass?
(class groans)
Teacher: Don't knock it till you try it.
San Diego, California
None Of Which Are All That Hard
Student: Have you ever heard of the penis game?
Female professor: Which one? I've played many penis games.
Greek Myth Class
Illinois Wesleyan University
Overheard by: problem
Economics Really Is a Dismal Science
Professor just before class starts: There's no sporting events this weekend, right? We need something to bet on. (pause) I've got it! How about the hurricane?
CSU Classroom
Fort Collins, Colorado
So Don't Forget to Bring Your Bongs to the Final Exam
Professor: You can't look at a record and hear the music...unless you're really baked.
Decatur, Illinois
I Think I Read That in the Bible
Teacher: You can use stethoscopes to listen to water in trees. You should listen to thin trees and trees with less bark.
Student: Should it be hardwood or softwood?
Teacher: Softwood. You can't beat softwood.
Classroom
Alexandria, Virginia
Or the Other Couple
Professor: So my kid walked in on us last night...
Student in class: Well, you gave them the talk, why not say you were wrestling or something?
Professor: Well, I have no way to explain the handcuffs.
Penn State
Altoona, Pennsylvania
To Be Fair, I Only Saw Her a Little.
Psych professor: I dated a girl who was 4'10'' once, but she always insisted that that was the legal cutoff height for little people.
Psych student: Actually, I think 4'11'' is the cutoff.
Psych professor: What? I dated a midget?
Bennington, Vermont
Overheard by: laughing in class
Like a University Professor Ever Has to Pay for It
Statistics professor: So let's say we ask a random question, such as "have you had unprotected sex with a prostitute in the last week?".
(class laughs)
Statistics professor: Most people would answer "no." Including myself. I'll leave it up to you to decide if that's the truth or not.
University of Guelph
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Danielle
Because All Your Term Papers Are Based on Tobey Maguire Movies
Girl #1 (super cheerfully): I learned that from Spiderman 3!
Girl #2: Gah! (quietly, while walking away) Why don't you just shut up?
Girl #1 (whining under her breath): Why don't you listen to meeeeeeee?
Pottery Class, University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Just Me
Categories: Class | Colleges & Universities | Default | Girls | Happiness | Movies | Offers and requests | Questions | Washington | Posted 2009-02-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Without Protection
Professor: Everyone always thinks the answer is penetrance. Just let me say this right here, right now: I don't want to see any penetrance in this class. Learn it, but don't do it.
Genetics Lecture
Purdue University, West Lafayette, Indiana
Then There Are the Brave Few Who Would Join Me on This Pole
Professor: Say that you were to walk into class, and I was wearing...a red thong.
(students laugh) I'm not done. I also have sequins on my nipples--and my hair is in a red Mohawk. Half of you would turn around and walk out. The other half would think, "Eh, I can always drop the class."
Santa Rosa Junior College
Santa Rosa, California
Categories: California | Class | Clothes | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Hair | Names | Nipples | Teachers | Posted 2009-02-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Let's Hope It's Either Biology Class Or Comparative Media Studies
Professor, noticing student's t-shirt: What is that?
Student: A gorilla and a shark high fiving in front of an explosion.
Professor: I'm going to work that into discussion somehow.
Point Park University
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: ZB
Categories: Animals | Class | Clothes | Colleges & Universities | Default | Education | Pennsylvania | Questions | Students | Teachers | Posted 2009-02-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
By the End Of This Class, You'll Be Able to Open Them With Your Penis
Peer-taught health class leader: Do not open condoms with a knife.
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: nyssa
The Large Group Ones Are a Logistical Nightmare
Peer-taught health class leader: Small group condom practice! Wooot!
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: nyssa
...Ashlee Simpson Will Never Get Her Credibility Back
Student: Would it be possible for the situation to be reversed?
Professor: Well... (talks in circles for 5 minutes) So I will say yes, but the answer is no.
Graduate Classroom
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Class | Compare and contrast | Default | Offers and requests | Pennsylvania | Questions | Students | Teachers | Posted 2009-01-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How "What What (In the Butt)" Was Born
Teacher: Okay, I want you to write down twenty words relating to one of your hobbies, and then write a poem about it.
Girl: Can we write it on surprise butt sex?
Teacher: Errrmmm...if you want?
School Classroom
Australia
Overheard by: i wrote mine on sport....
You Can Cry Afterwards and He Can't Tell
Girl: It's not "oh, I got laid underwater." It's that I got to know the person and got close to them before I went underwater.
Psychology Class
University of Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Emily
Categories: Class | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Feelings | Girls | Pennsylvania | Sex | Weirdness | Words | Posted 2009-01-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Now We Can't Even Keep Madonna
British theater professor: Well, you know Hong Kong used to belong to Britain. (angrily) Everything used to belong to Britain.
Theater Class, UMass
Amherst, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Chanimal
Categories: Class | Colleges & Universities | Default | Education | Geography | History | Massachusetts | Politics | Teachers | Posted 2009-01-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Two Types of Feminists, Encapsulated
Female student #1: I think Picasso painted them as nudes to liberate women; to show that they're human beings.
Female student #2: I think he just liked tits.
French Class
UMass, Amherst
Categories: Class | Compare and contrast | Default | Gender issues | Girls | Massachusetts | Nipples | Philosophy | Students | Posted 2008-12-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Are Those The Only Choices?
Professor to class, after licking her finger and cleaning the board with it: Do you guys think thats gross? Or hot?
University of Massachusetts
Categories: Class | Compare and contrast | Default | Etiquette | Massachusetts | Questions | Sexuality | Teachers | Women | Posted 2008-12-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But Fantastic That You're Keeping That Cultural Reference Alive
History professor, lecturing on the early 1900s: I mean, the problem of being the only person with a telephone is, well, who you gonna call?
Class, as one: Ghostbusters!
History professor: You kids scare me.
CU
Boulder, Colorado
Overheard by: They know their history, alright
Margaret Manheim Could Never Catch a Break
Professor: All right. I'm going to start giving the papers back in reverse alphabetical order from last time.
Whispering girl: Damn it! I hate my life.
Ann Arbor, Michigan
It's the Only Possible Motivation to Teach at a Texas Public School?
Teacher: I got a question for you guys... If you're flying at 50,000 feet and the left rear tire falls off your canoe, how many pancakes does it take to cover a doghouse and why?
Students: What the fuck?
Teacher: Clearly, the answer is 7, cause ice cream has no bones!
Student #1: Why do they keep giving us teachers on crack?
Student #2: I dunno, man. I dunno...
Inside Freshman Classroom
El Paso, Texas
Tonight's Movie: Eyes Wide Shut
Middle aged, balding psych professor disproving "empty nest" theory: Now, when you leave the house your parents are free to run around the house naked, and fuck on the kitchen table! (pauses) Your parents like to have sex!
Psychology Class, Youngstown State University
Ohio
Overheard by: Carmen
If Evolution Is Wrong, I Don't Want to Be Right!
Human evolution professor, showing a slide of a monkey: Just look at those testicles! They're huge and pink...just...they're all in your face!
Anthropology Classroom, Kent State University
Ohio
Overheard by: Laureen
From Now On, All Lectures Will Be Given by the TA.
Professor, talking about Meatless Tuesdays during WWI: And what would not eating meat save?
Genius (excitedly): Bullets!
Professor: Um, no.
Genius: By not having to shoot the animals.
History Class, Christopher Newport University
Newport News, Virginia
Overheard by: be CNU
Some Porn Writing Is Better Than Others
Professor: So, to calculate the unemployment rate, we whack off...
Intro to Macroeconomics Class
USC, California
Categories: California | Class | Default | Education | Masturbation | Teachers | Posted 2008-11-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Carry This Pacifier to Remind Me of the Good Times
Photography professor: Yeah, I did this whole series about raves when I was in Tucson... I even dyed my hair yellow and shaved a daisy into it because, you know, I was "submersing myself in the culture." But that was a long time ago. Now I'm a teacher. Go figure, huh?
Photography Class
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Katie
If You Have Further Interest, You Can Sign Up for My Pubic History Class This Spring
Professor, discussing an 18th century painting: Now, it is important to remember that at this time women did not wear panties. This is a beaver shot par excellence!
San José State University
California
Categories: California | Class | Clothes | Colleges & Universities | Default | Gender issues | History | Teachers | Posted 2008-10-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Who Never Invite Me to Your Parties
Professor, discussing the concept of virtue in literature: Today, when you hear the word "virtue", you just kind of laugh. And that's because your souls are all festering masses of corruption.
Literary Theory Class
Ottawa
Canadia
Overheard by: Reb
Geography One: Self-Awareness Zero
Professor: The best time to study geography is in the morning after you've done the "walk of shame." It will help you to keep your mind off of what you've done." (cracks up) That's good shit.
Geography Classroom
Michigan State
What Santa Does the Other 364 Days a Year
Guy #1, standing in front of classroom: So he walked up to me and was like, "Dude, do you want a donut?" and of course I was like, "yeah."
Guy #2: Well, yeah. I love donuts too.
Guy #1: So then he whips out this trash bag and it's filled to the top with donuts. So I took this one off the top and started eating it, and then I realized, dude! Where the hell did you get a trash bag full of donuts?
Guy #2: Woah. Where'd he go?!
Hanover, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Emmeline
Categories: Class | Default | Food | Guys | Offers and requests | Pennsylvania | Questions | Posted 2008-09-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's Your Analogy for Everything
Teacher: So this equation is like a machine. You substitute "n" for "-5" and it gives you the product. It's like a sausage-making machine...
Math Class
Mississauga, Ontario
Canadia
The Thin Line Between Wine Appreciation and Drunken Debauchery
Professor to class (during tasting session): Anybody getting any wood on this one?
Wine Appreciation 101
University of Houston, Texas
Time Gives White People the Illusion They Understand Black People
Professor talking about the Canterbury tales: So the friar has this gold pin he wears, he wears it under his neck to keep his hood closed . . . It's bling!
(class laughs)
Professor: I never want to hear anyone say I'm not up on the times. They had this article in Time magazine, it was an interview with a rapper, the guy's name was "fifty cents."
(class laughs)
Professor: But I'm cool, and I know that it's not "fifty cents," it's "fiddy."
Carleton University
Ottawa
Canadia
Let's Stick to First Abortions, Okay?
Professor: I want you to write about the first time you did something. It can be anything. The first time you rode a bike. The first time you made a baby. (awkward pause) Wait!
Syracuse University
New York
Bestiality Baaaad!
Art history professor: Those long ship voyages... you're looking at the sheep, the sheep's looking back at you, and "hey!"
Allegheny College
Meadville, Pennsylvania
Categories: Class | Pennsylvania | Stupidity | Teachers | Words | Posted 2008-08-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Were We Ever?
Female student #1: You sure you want me to feed you this banana?
Female student #2: Get on with it, will you?
Female student #1: This thing's pretty big. I wouldn't want to choke you.
Female student #2: Don't worry about it. I've had much bigger.
Youngish professor: (raises eyebrows)
Female student #2: You think I'm kidding? I've had some pretty big ones. Think you can give me a bigger one?
Youngish professor (blushing): Um, possibly.
Female student #2: Well, I'd like to see that.
Female student #3: Um, are we still talking about bananas here?
Classroom
UCSC, California
Categories: BJs | California | Class | Euphemisms | Fruit | Girls | Students | Teachers | Posted 2008-08-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Probably the Funniest Thing Ever Uttered in a Statistics Class
Indian professor with thick accent: Okay class. If I flip this coin 50 times, what is the probability that I get head?
Dude in the back: Man, I could flip a coin 100 times and I'm still not gettin' head.
(class bursts into hysterical laughter)
Indian professor: What? What did I say?
Statistics Class, George Washington University
Washington, DC
Orgasm-Faking Deceivers, the Lot of You!
Professor, during a discussion about Lear's daughters in King Lear: well, don't you guys ever lie?
(class stays silent)
Professor: You all lie, especially the girls.
Carleton University
Ottawa
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Class | Colleges & Universities | Default | Education | Gender issues | Lies | Questions | Teachers | Posted 2008-07-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Normally Give More Than Three "A"s
Professor: The dew line -by the way, any Rush fans in here?
(three or four raise hands in a class of 200)
Professor: Only three? That's a sad state of affairs.
Canadian History Lecture
University of Toronto
Canadia
Most of You Are Far Too Unattractive to Disrobe
Chemistry lecturer: Is it just me, or are those people getting more and more naked up the back there?
Melbourne University
Australia
Why It's Been Renamed the "K-Fed Isotope"
Professor: Carbon-14 is an unstable marriage. He's putting cocaine up his nose while she's working hard. It can't last, you know. That's expensive.
Berea College
Kentucky
MC Hammer Hasn't Gotten Laid in a Good Long Time
Professor: Clearly, if I am wearing these pants, no one is gonna want to get in them with me!
Economics Class
University of Delaware Newark, Delaware
Which Is Why Men Wear Pink Shirts
Professor: Ever wonder why pink is considered a girl color?
Student: Because vaginas are pink.
UC
Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: Kelly
Categories: California | Class | Default | Education | Gender issues | Questions | Students | Teachers | Vagina | Posted 2008-06-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...A Metaphor I Would Know Nothing About
Professor: The Government was spending money like a drunken sailor in a Tijuana whorehouse.
Macroeconomics Class
University of California
Overheard by: Econometrically Bored
Categories: California | Class | Compare and contrast | Default | Money | Politics | Teachers | Words | Posted 2008-06-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But Don't You Think Toddlers Deserve to Work in Coal Mines?
Student: That's terrible!
Professor: I agree, I'm a horrible person.
Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York
Aww, Look at Its Little Fuzzy Valtrex
Girl, observing a display of plush microbes: I want herpes! I think it's so cute!
SUNY
Geneseo, New York
Overheard by: Jeni
Anybody Have Any Bread?
(student coughs violently into hands, spewing fake blood)
Lit professor: Oh my god! Are you okay?
Student: (coughing up more blood) Can I go to the bathroom?
Lit professor: Oh my god, go, go!
(student leaves)
Lit professor: (realizing it's April 1st) Haha... His consumption smells like raspberries.
Colorado University, Boulder
Overheard by: In the back of the classroom
Categories: Class | Colorado | Default | Food | Health & Hygiene | Holidays | Maladies | Offers and requests | Questions | Sensory experiences | Students | Teachers | Posted 2008-06-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Way I'm Stealing Your Bra
Student: So if I, like, read something in the library and I memorize it, am I, like, stealing it with my mind?
Instructor: Yes. You can steal things with your mind.
Copy Editing Class
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
Who Knew Organic Chemists Were So Funky?
Professor: I'm just waiting for a chlorine radical to come and bite me up the ass.
Morraine Valley Community College
Palos Hills, Illinois
Overheard by: Kati
Which Also Explains the Peanut Butter Smears
College student: That one answer is wrong. You put a nine instead of a six.
Professor: I was probably stoned at the time.
Sussex, New Jersey
Categories: Class | Compare and contrast | Default | Drugs | Education | New Jersey | Students | Teachers | Weirdness | Posted 2008-06-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But They Look Fantastic the Whole Time
Professor: The Swedes. They look at the glaciers, go inside, watch a Bergman film, have a heavy drink, then have some sex in the sauna, but ultimately that is unsatisfying, so they kill themselves.
Oberlin, Ohio
Overheard by: Secret Spy
Categories: Class | Compare and contrast | Death & dying | Default | Drinking & drunks | Feelings | Geography | Movies | Ohio | Sex | Teachers | Posted 2008-06-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Suppose I Could Have One of My Concubines Answer Them, Though
Student: Professor, will you be able to answer e-mails while you are away, since our final is in a week?
Uncomfortable Japanese professor with strange British/Japanese accent: No, I will not be able to answer students' e-mails because most of the time I come home I am drunk.
Students: [Incredulous silence. Laughter.]
Philosophy class
McGill University
Canadia
Overheard by: student who hated this prof until this comment...
Categories: Asians | Canadia | Class | Default | Drinking & drunks | Education | Offers and requests | Questions | Students | Teachers | Posted 2008-06-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Unlike My Grading Scale
Professor: The guillotine was humane. It was just humane many thousands of times.
Oberlin, Ohio
Overheard by: Secret Spy
I'm Thinking, I'm Thinking!
Prof: Do you think that kicking a pregnant woman in the stomach was wrong?
Student: Ummmm... I'm not certain.
Prof: Do you think that what he did was a crime?
[Student pauses for nearly 30 seconds.]
Student #2: Dude, he kicked a baby.
Seton Hall Law
Newark, New Jersey
Categories: Class | Crimes | New Jersey | Philosophy | Pregnancy | Questions | Stomach | Students | Teachers | Violence | Posted 2008-05-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Wanted You to Understand How It Felt to Read Your Term Papers
Professor: I think I popped a few Oxycontins before I wrote this so it might not make any sense.
Salem State College
Salem, Massachusetts
With Their Affectionate Natures and Agile Fingers
Stats professor explaining problem: And that comes out to be 13.58 when we hire monkeys to plug in the values on our calculators...[more quietly] I really do love monkeys you know...
Barnum Hall, Tufts University
Massachusetts
Overheard by: Adrian
Dude, Just Make an Audio-Visual Geek Your Friend
Music history professor, putting a CD in the player: And now we pray to the god of CDs. It's not good to be a teacher with CDs. They are very stupid things. [Pause.] ...It's not good to be a teacher, perhaps that's what it is.
Peabody Conservatory
Baltimore, Maryland
Yeah, Technically 'Martians' and 'Venusians'
Guy in sociology class: So male and female... Are those races?
Shout-out: overheardatcornell.blogspot.com
Overheard by: doug
Categories: Class | Education | Gender issues | Guys | Overheard at Cornell | Questions | Race | Students | Stupidity | Posted 2008-05-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Oscar Meyer Was Never a Straight A Student
Instructor to student, during class debate: You look like you're deep in thought there. Anything you want to share with us?
Student: Dude, I was just thinking about hot dogs.
College class
Farmington, Connecticut
Overheard by: Student
The Professor Accused Me of Spreading It on Too Thick
Male art student: I'm in a creative writing class and I've been writing a lot of stories about mayonnaise.
Allegheny College
Meadville, Pennsylvania
Categories: Class | Compare and contrast | Education | Food | Guys | Pennsylvania | Students | Posted 2008-05-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Really Shouldn't Discriminate Against People Who Try to Kill You
Jewish man: I am not sexist!
Jewish man's friend: You are so sexist Archie Bunker is embarrassed.
Jewish man: I'm not sexist. I'll stab a chick in her junk!
Israeli Martial Arts Class
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Ari
Categories: Class | Compare and contrast | Friends | Gender issues | Jews | Missouri | TV shows | Vagina | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2008-05-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
They're Instrumental in Getting High?
Professor: So the wars of opium wars were fought because the Chinese didn't want their citizens smoking their bongos and being loopy.
Student: Wait, bongos?
Professor: Yeah those pipe things... Bongos, right?
Michigan State University
East Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: Erika
Good Point --No Effect on Religious Beliefs
Professor: Now, if we did eliminate illness and achieved immortality there might be serious religious repercussions. Can anyone think of how this might affect religious beliefs?
Bimbette: Well, like, if Hitler were immortal, he would, like, go to jail for, like, a million years and then, like, chill out for eternity, you know?
Eternal Youth and Immortality Seminar
Lafayette College, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: knows that Hitler would still be dead because he SHOT himself
Categories: Bimbettes | Class | Compare and contrast | Crimes | Education | History | Pennsylvania | Philosophy | Questions | Religion | Stupidity | Teachers | Posted 2008-05-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Not Allowed to Use Them at Home
Biology professor, on earthworm digestive systems: And I'm including this part because I enjoy saying words like "anus".
South Dakota State University
South Dakota
Categories: Animals | Body parts | Class | Creepsters | Education | Science | South Dakota | Teachers | Weirdness | Wishes | Words | Posted 2008-05-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Now, Please Clap Along As I Do the Tenure Dance
[Girl leaves class in the middle of a lesson]
Professor: She didn't like what I was saying? I'm so upset, I'm going to go to the garden and eat fuzzy worms.
Marist College
Poughkepsie, New York
Overheard by: Nik
Where Only the Strong Survive Into Adulthood
Jolly literature professor: All of this talk of salacious babysitters and the indiscriminate disposing of corpses makes me feel like I'm back in Jersey again.
University of Mary Washington
Fredericksburg, Virginia
Categories: Class | Compare and contrast | Memory lane | Teachers | US Geography | Violence | Virginia | Posted 2008-05-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's Like Saying, "I'll Pass This Class."
Professor: Can anyone give me an example of an equal relationship?
Student: Husband and wife?
Professor: Oh, you're so idealistic...
Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York
Categories: Class | Compliments | Education | New York | Offers and requests | Questions | Relationships | Students | Teachers | Posted 2008-05-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Uncle Walter Won't Stop Poking Me
Distraught sorority girl: My mom won't accept my friend request on Facebook!
Sisters, collectively: Awwwwww.
Social Psychology Class
Florida
Overheard by: Dr. Ian Maxwell von Indypants
Categories: Class | Family ties | Feelings | Florida | Friends | Girls | Internet | Offers and requests | Sorority types | Posted 2008-05-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Well He Was French
Philosophy professor: Whatever you do guys, you can't let Descartes come through the back door!
Students: [Laugh hysterically.]
Philosophy professor: It's not funny! Descartes always tries to come through the back door!
University of Portland
Oregon
Overheard by: B Student
Shouldn't This Be Eleventeen
Statistics professor writing on board: I'll leave the numbers out because I always get them wrong anyway.
University of Chicago
Illinois
Overheard by: too early for this class
Later That Night, She Was Attacked in Her Bed with Maple Syrup
Professor: So what sorts of people travel abroad and exploit children that are forced into prostitution?
Student: Canadians.
[Class remains silent and professor stares.]
Student: ...I... Was just kidding.
Las Positas College
Livermore, California
With Dresden As a Possible Exception
Professor: Well, they had Nazis, but those aren't exactly lighting fixtures.
Theatre Class, SUNY
Geneseo, New York
Overheard by: Jeni
I Was Going to Say, "Masturbate to Climax"
History prof: Benjamin Harrison was a pretty boring guy, with all the personality of a statue...I'm sure he couldn't even...
[Class snickers.]
History prof: Oh god, you fricken teenagers, you drag everything into the gutter!
Colorado University
Boulder, Colorado
God: Suddenly I'm Getting All the Attention I Deserve
Professor, whispering: What is god doing with female breasts?
Oglethorpe University
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Caylin
But First, a Round Of Applause for My Lovely Assistant
Physics professor: First we'll put it in the A hole and then we'll put it in the other hole.
Allegheny College
Pennsylvania
...Has Been Selected As Our New State Motto
Art professor: Say goodbye to sex and violence and hello to boring allegories.
KSU
Manhattan, Kansas
And You'd Be Like, "I Got the Pus-sy!"
Lady professor: AU is so different, there are so many females here. When I was in college, my sophomore year it was a five to one ratio! Males to females! The men were hanging from the trees. You'd walk through campus, wary, and then you'd sit at the cafeteria table and look up from your breakfast and there would be five guys -just staring at you!
Justice Research Class, American University
Washington, D.C.
Categories: Bragging | Class | Compare and contrast | Education | Etiquette | Gender issues | Memory lane | Sexuality | Teachers | Washington, DC | Women | Posted 2008-04-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
A+
Male art student in response to female art student's sculpture: It's really kind of mortifyingly vaginal.
Allegheny College
Meadville Pennsylvania
Categories: Class | Compare and contrast | Etiquette | Euphemisms | Feelings | Guys | Hipsters | Pennsylvania | Students | Vagina | Words | Posted 2008-04-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The 1990's Called...
Philosophy professor, proving his argument: Therefore, if I don't get a little crazy, then I'm never gonna survive.
Michigan State University
Michigan
Overheard by: sjshock
Categories: Character | Class | Death & dying | Default | Guys | Mental illnesses | Michigan | Teachers | Threats | Posted 2008-04-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or "Freshmen"
Lit professor: Now, when we plant humans and they grow, we call those "zombies".
University of Mary Washington
Fredericksburg, Virginia
Now I'm Mad
Professor: Ben, what did you get for that one?
Student: First, I'm Matt. Second, I don't know.
Professor: Well, it's okay to be mad.
Student: No, I'm not mad, I'm Matt. M-A-T-T, Matt.
Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York
Overheard by: Kelly
Do Your Best and I'll Laugh at You
Bimbette, inquiring about exam during review: Yeah, but, like -- what if you, like, can't think that hard?
Ohio University
Athens, Ohio
That Will Be on the Final
Professor: Okay, this appears to be advertising for a brand of malt liquor. Who here drinks malt liquor?
Only black guy in class: Me!
Professor, laughing: Okay, Martin drinks malt liquor.
Black guy: Brothers drink malt liquor!
Professor, laughing: That's right, brothers drink malt liquor!
Anthropology class, UCLA
Los Angeles, California
Categories: Black people | California | Class | Drinking & drunks | Teachers | Posted 2007-08-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
People Say They Lack Focus
Student giving presentation: There's also astigmatism on people who are poor...
Wright State University
Dayton, Ohio
Overheard by: thinks he meant
He Made His Millions Off Kant's Death
Philosophy professor: ... And Hegel scheduled all of his classes at the same time as Schoepenhauer's classes, which really pissed off Schoepenhauer because Hegel was like the P. Diddy of 19th century German philosophy.
Bucknell University
Lewisburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Jen
Categories: Class | History | Pennsylvania | Pop culture | Teachers | Posted 2007-06-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Think I'm Winning
Professor to puzzled student: You said one thing I didn't understand, so I something you didn't understand right back... God, I'm cruel.
Robinson Hall, University of Delaware
Newark, Delaware
I'm Currently in between Abortions
Lab TA: This is bromium chloride. If you have guys in your group, have them work with it. If not, girls, I hope you're not pregnant. It tends to cause birth defects and cancer.
Chick #1 in back of room, whispering: You guys, I can't touch that stuff!
Chick #2: Why not? Are you pregnant?
Chick #1: You see, that's the thing -- I don't know...
Oklahoma State University
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: She's majoring in drunken sorority girl
And I Have the Trophies to Back That Up
Girl in front: Hey! I can shoot a cat as well as the next girl!
Normandale Community College
Bloomington, Minnesota
Overheard by: who questions that ability??
Which Is Why They Call It V-E Half-Day
Professor: So, how did the baby boom come about?
Student: When a--
Professor: --You don't need to actually walk me through it. In the late 1940s, everybody was becoming a mother. Okay, half of everybody.
University of North Florida
Jacksonville, Florida
But I'm Not Sure I Was Making Any Sense
Communications professor: Do you think you've made any progress in this class?
Student who just gave her speech: Well, my butt cheeks weren't shaking this time!
Community college
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Some progress is better than none.
Categories: Ass | Class | Pennsylvania | Students | Teachers | Posted 2007-05-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Gay Fashion Designers?
Skinny white kid: Who doesn't love black chicks with fat asses?
Political Theory class, University of Southern California
Los Angeles, California
Isn't That because It's Ann Landers's Birthday?
Professor: Adams and Jefferson weren't the only presidents to die on the Fourth of July. Does anyone know the third?
Student #1: Was it Monroe?
Professor: Yes, Monroe also died on the Fourth of July. Quite interesting, isn't it?
Student #2: Is that why we celebrate the Fourth of July?
Liberal Ed floor, Columbia College
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Ready to graduate
So It's Not a Chain,Then?
Student #1: ... And this concludes my presentation on Sudan. Are there any questions?
Student #2: Sudan... Is that where that Hotel Rwanda thing happened?
Professor: No, that would be Rwanda.
International Marketing class, University of Nebraska-Lincoln
Lincoln, Nebraska
Overheard by: Meagan
What's This on My Syllabus?
Distinguished professor: I think I do sex next Tuesday, is that right?
Evolutionary Ecology class, University of California
Santa Cruz, California
Categories: California | Class | Jobs & Careers | Teachers | Posted 2007-05-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Doctor: Works Every Time
Cheerleader: So, I had this problem with peeing and I visited a doctor.
Friend: What did he say?
Cheerleader: You can't imagine... He wanted to see the effect, so I had to pee in front of him while he's watching me doing it!
Friend: Wow. I would freak out if that happened to me.
Classroom, Montana State University
Bozeman, Montana
Overheard by: Awesome Naveed
I Think I Can Dig Up Some Gay Porn to Support That Thesis
Hippie student: So, did the oil man and thong man work together?
Professor: One could only hope.
Archaeology class
Shout-out: overheardatcornell.blogspot.com
Overheard by: squirrely mcsquirrel
You Keep Using That Word. I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means
MBA #1 whispering: Every time [the professor] says, 'investment of comparable risk,' don't you feel like he is saying, 'rodents of unusual size'? Like in The Princess Bride?
MBA #2: You don't like Accounting, do you?
Shout-out: overheardatkmc.blogspot.com
Categories: Class | Education | Movies | Overheard at KMC | Students | Posted 2007-04-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Know, the Old Testament God Is a Real Dick
Art history TA: This print depicts the sacrifice of Isaac, which is a biblical story where God told Abraham to kill his first-born son.
Bimbette: Oh. My. God. That's... terrible! That's almost as bad as a girl telling her boyfriend that he needs to get rid of his dog because she's allergic.
Shout-out: overheardatcornell.blogspot.com
Overheard by: mary
Categories: Bimbettes | Class | Overheard at Cornell | Stupidity | Teachers | Posted 2007-04-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Also, Instead of Lab Equipment, I've Purchased Myself Extra Scotch
Poli-Sci professor putting a picture of a panda bear on overhead projector: Well, normally we'd talk about the syllabus right now, but our department's so cheap they couldn't print a syllabus for each of you, so I'll show you a picture of a panda instead.
Shout-out: www.overheardinathens.com
Categories: Class | Education | Overheard in Athens | Teachers | Posted 2007-04-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Hamburgers, That's How
Non-native presenting for speech class: Everyone has cows in their life. Cows at home. Cows at work. Cows in our families. Cows can take over everything. But how do we get rid of the cows?
Teacher: Chaos. It's pronounced 'chaos.'
Truman College
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Class | Foreigners | Illinois | Language barrier | Teachers | Posted 2007-04-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Nothing Like Taking an Exam in the Afterglow
Frat boy #1: I already jacked off three times today!
Frat boy #2: Sweet! That's what I'm going to do as soon as I finish this test.
Frat boy #1: Maybe I should just go rub one out in the bathroom now... [He leaves the room.]
Shout-out: overheardatcornell.blogspot.com
Overheard by: Maxwell
Categories: Class | Frat boy types | Masturbation | Overheard at Cornell | Posted 2007-03-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Then I'll Have Fewer Exams to Grade
Accounting professor: You should drink champagne and go swimming -- it's lots of fun. Once you're tipsy and get three to four feet underwater you have no idea which way's up.
Shout-out: overheardatkmc.blogspot.com
Categories: Advice | Class | Overheard at KMC | Teachers | Posted 2007-03-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
