Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | Places | Venues

But with a Better Sense Of Meter.

Student: I think that Eminem is like a modern-day Hamlet, you know?

Memorial University
Newfoundland
Canadia

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Why Yeast Infections Exist: A Short Story.

Girl #1: Do you think I could wash my clothes with fabric softener? I don't have any detergent.
Girl #2: That should probably work.
(30 minutes later)
Girl #2: So, did it work?
Girl #1: Yeah... I think... they don't smell anymore, at least. Good enough, right?

Laundry Room, University of Alabama
Birmingham, Alabama

Overheard by: I don't think it is

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The Alternate Ending to Stand by Me

Guy on bicycle: Hey guys, what should we do when we get home?
Bike friend #1: Hmm... I don't know.
Bike friend #2: Let's masturbate!
Guy on bicycle: Yeah!

University of California
Santa Barbara, California

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Dream Big, Kids.

Girl: I want a squirrel.
Friend: I want a cheeseburger.

UT
Austin, Texas

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Because If It's Boating, That's Way Too Political

Girl #1: What is Roe v. Wade?
Girl #2: What do you mean? I don't know!
Girl #1: What is it about?

Computer Lab, Syracuse University
New York

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I Thought That Was Only Possible in Thailand?

Professor: Here, let me make you some flesh. You know, you can buy flesh in the school store!

Maryland Institute College of Art
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Painting with Mr. Lector

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When Telepaths Mate

Old lady, walking up to old man: Hi there. Sorry I was just staring off at you. I had something on my mind and I think you were thinking it too. Bye!
Old man: Bye.

Sacred Heart University
Connecticut

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... and a Coal Miner?

Sorority chick, discussing Shroud of Turin: Jesus was 14 feet tall?

Philosophy of Religion Class, Lycoming College
Williamsport, Pennsylvania

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...You All Have Your Paper Mache Assignment.

Professor: Okay, guys, let's stop talking about penises.

Metro State College
Denver, Colorado

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Or Ham.

Frathole: The thing about being Jewish is that you don't have to believe in god.

UMass
Massachusetts

Overheard by: So proud of my degree

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What Will Thailand Think Of Next?

Dude on phone: You have a post-coital gift shop?!

College Campus
Denver, Colorado

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The Gay Guys Just Criticize Your Outfit

Prof: Ladies, I'm just gonna give it to you straight: I guarantee you that almost every straight guy you see today is going to picture you naked.
Techie guy, fixing projector: Fuckin' A!

University of Calgary
Canadia

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Depression's Always in Style in Virginia

Studious student: You know she would tell her students that she's far too sick to make it out to campus, and then curl up in a ball on her couch with a cup of tea so she can watch the rain fall and weep.

Virginia Commonwealth University

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Your Editors Googled "Lesbian Triplets" and Got Distracted by Porn

College girl #1: So it turned out that he was one of the lesbian triplets!
College girl #2: No way!
College girl #1: Yeah, the tranny!
College girl #2: Owen? I love Owen! I knew him when he still identified as a girl!
College girl #1: Yeah, and it turned out the midget was trans too.

Hampshire College
Amherst, Massachusetts

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Or Gave Me Religious Pamphlets. I Forget.

20-something girl: Do you remember that guy last night?
Friend: Oh, him? Yeah, I think he motor-boated me.

Canisius College
Buffalo, New York

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You Really Get a Little Something Extra When You Go Away to School in San Francisco

Professor: It's hard to have an orgy without orgasms. What? It's true! What're you gonna do, play video games?

University of San Francisco
San Francisco, California

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Now Squint, Damn Your Eyes!

History professor: You know how I said that this class wouldn't have a lot of text-heavy PowerPoint slides? Sometimes I lie to you, because that's funny.

Community College
Grand Rapids, Michigan

Overheard by: i love this school

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So Many Girls Are Fascists, but Don't Know It

Girl #1: My dream is to have a harem of guys that I can make dress up like the pale man from Pan's Labyrinth.
Girl #2: Why the hell would you do that?
Girl #1: Because it would be awesome and scary. I just want to see a bunch of people running away from me and my harem.

Mount Holyoke College
South Hadley, Massachusetts

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Think Of Purgatory As a Drive-Through Soul Wash

Professor: So, basically god has to suppress the gag reflex when he looks at you; but it's okay because he loves you anyway.

University of Akron
Akron, Ohio

Overheard by: Rebecca

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Um, of State Security?

Art student: He told me he really relates to my organs.

University of Washington
Seattle, Washington

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At Least, He Said It Was Mayonnaise

Girl on cell: Yeah, last semester the professor had this obsession with mayonnaise. It was freaking everyone out.

College of Charleston
Charleston, South Carolina

Overheard by: Tori

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It's Easier to Write the Paper Than Its Outline

Student, about assignment she's written: It's supposed to be (emphasizes with hands) that, that, then that, then that! But it's all blah blah blah blah! You know?
Friend: Is you introduction all dot, dot, dot at least?
Student: Yeah.

University of South Australia
Adelaide
Australia

Overheard by: fellow stressed out uni student

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Well, When the Penis Is Erect and the Vagina Is Lubricated...

Gangsta guy: So Brenda had sex with her cousin, but didn't know it was her cousin.
Woman: How do you do that?!

DePaul University
Chicago, Illinois

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When You're Greeting a Female Dignitary, for Instance

Nerdy college guy #1: "Bitch" does have a negative connotation.
Nerdy college guy #2: But girls say it to each other, it's like the "n" word!
Nerdy college guy #3: And it can be used as a greeting! "Yo, bitch, what's shakin'?"

USF
Florida

Overheard by: SB

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...Let's Relax with Some Margaritas.

Russian professor: Grammarlicious definition makes them "gringo locos." (pause) Now that you've all been permanently scarred...

Arizona State University

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Almost As Rude As Answering Your Cell Phone in Class

Pol-sci professor: Nuking other countries is kind of rude.

University of Memphis
Memphis, Tennessee

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It's in the Microwave

20-something chick on mobile: How many times do I have to tell you? There is no cocaine in my fridge!

University
Queensland
Australia

Overheard by: how many times

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Today's Young Woman Is Proud to Display Everything She's Got

Library worker girl: That's a cute bag.
Library worker girl with clear purse: Thanks!
Boss man: But then everyone can see everything you have!
Library worker girl with clear purse: It's not like I got a gun or anything... I can always hide things between the books...
Library worker girl: Like your gun?

Kent State University Library
Kent, Ohio

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Every Educated American Should See Bringing Up Baby

Girl #1: Oh my god! You sounded so much like Katharine Hepburn just then!
Girl #2: I sounded like who?
Girl #1: Well, never mind, you stopped doing it. Bitch.

Couch Dorm
University of Oklahoma

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Why Is That Always Your Question?

College girl: I really want to go as Superman!
Friend: You aren't going to stuff your crotch, are you?

Melbourne University
Australia

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Why Professors Rarely Ask Students to Introduce Themselves on the First Day Of Class Anymore

Nerd: I don't know about you, but I have trouble being romantic when I'm sweating to death.

Community College
Illinois

Overheard by: adderall driven

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I'll Just Slip Into Something More Comfortable

Evolution professor: So why can't humans have more then just two sexes? Man, that'd be a lot of fun, wouldn't it?
Class: (uncontrollable laughter)
Evolution professor: Oh, I can see. (pause) I shouldn't have said anything, let's continue...

UC
Santa Cruz, California

Overheard by: I'm glad he said it

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Frightening Because the Photograph Is Screaming

Girl, nodding to human mess across the way: Is that girl burning holes into a photograph with a cigarette?
Guy: That is frighteningly erotic.

University of South Florida

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Some Quotes Leave Your Editors Wanting to Hear Less

Girl to group: You guys! Everyone who has not had this fetus in their rectum is still a virgin!

Sarah Lawrence College
Bronxville, New York

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They Get Homesick

Emphatic girl: Babies can't watch porn!

Smith College
Northampton, Massachusetts

Overheard by: TARDIS Dyke

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Or Where This Sweater Vest Came from

College student: So far, I'm three for three on not knowing who I left with, or how I got there.

Lycoming College
Williamsport, Pennsylvania

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He Just Sings Instead Of Talking

Female student to friend at bus stop: So, he was, like, freakishly quiet, but every now and then he would bust out with something that, you know, we would say, you know, like, (bursts into song) "Do you like waffles? Yeah, I like waffles!" (in normal voice) And, you know, I would be, like, "Woah! He is a real person."

University of Oklahoma

Overheard by: becauseobviouslyallnormalpeoplelikewaffles

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Mr. Cheney's Office Failed to Return Our Calls

Student: I think the result of this case means that people are worried that government officials can be held just as accountable as normal citizens.

Law School
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: MaggieB

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When Did Bennington Drop the Lesbianism Requirement?

Girl: So my jaw hurts really bad, right here. (points)
Boy: Maybe you stop sucking so much dick.
Girl, thinking for a second: Many dicks.

Bennington College
Vermont

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Pregnancy? Absofuckinglutely.

Student: The form told me that there's a 2% chance that it will happen to me, but if it does happen to me, there's a 100% chance that it will happen to me.

UCLA, California

Overheard by: MaggieB

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....Ooo, Chocolate Pudding!

Large chick in group of students: I like science, music, dance, and you know what else I like? Anal.

Community College
Virginia

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When Semesters and Trimesters Conflict

Bleached blonde sorority chick: If she doesn't abort it, we're totally throwing her a baby shower!

University
Midwest

Overheard by: GDI

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It's a Prerequisite for Graduation.

Professor: How old are you?
Visiting high school student: Seventeen.
Professor: And you're not married? Well, you've come to the right place!

Freed-Hardeman University
Henderson, Tennessee

Overheard by: Lisa

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What Have You Been Doing to That Poor Puppy?

College girl #1: You know, just because I want to hit it doesn't mean you have to, too.
College girl #2: But now that it's shaved, it's so much better!

Cornell University
Ithaca, New York

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This Lecture Would Be Protected Under Attorney-Client Privilege

Professor: In a year or two, you're going to graduate and have to face the hard decision about what to do with your life. Some of you will be lawyers, some of you will be engineers, and some of you will opt for a life of crime. When you do, and you get caught, roll over on the person you're caught with, and ask for absolute immunity. I hope you don't choose a life of crime, but if you do, at least be smart about it.

Pre-law Class
USC

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Just Start Blowing Things and See What Comes Out

Hipster guy: I can't tell if I'm horny or it's just my sinus infection again...

UBC
Canadia

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When Living Bras Die

Trendy girl on cell: It was stuck to my boob this morning. I had to go clean it off... it was all bloody and gross. (pause) Right on my boob. I know... Eew!

University of Phoenix, Arizona

Overheard by: Sarah Neill

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Which Brings Me to Today's Lab Assignment

Professor: Sponges can regenerate from the broken pieces. If you put a sponge through a mincing machine, you just get lots of little sponges. If you put a cow through, you get mince. If you put a person through, you get arrested.

Rhodes University
South Africa

Overheard by: Amused Zoology Student

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Are Catholic Girls Allowed to Sing from the Diaphragm?

Guy: Do you know how I know you were singing correctly?
Girl: You saw me sucking in my stomach?
Guy: No. When you started spitting at me!
Girl: I can't help that I have great diction!

Saint Peter's College
New Jersey

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Way to Step on My Gripping Tale, Britney

Girl #1: So I didn't go to your brother's house last night.
Guy: Oh, where'd you go?
Girl #1: I was in a car.
Guy: Oh.
Girl #1: Yeah, and they were all like, "Yeah! Whassup?"
Girl #2: I was in a car last night.

College of Charleston
Charleston, South Carolina

Overheard by: Tori

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Where Would Either Industry Be Without Silicone?

College girl: The way I see it, chemistry is just like prostitution.

Northern Michigan University

Overheard by: everyone gets screwed?

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...Ahem, "Sylbs"

Female college student: Yeah, I tod did that too!
Guy college student: Did you just say "tod" instead of "totally"?
Female college student: Yeah, I never say any words that are more than two syllables!

College
Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: Cat

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Juding by the Way You're Huddled in the Corner, Chanting in Middle English.

Professor: Sorry, I think I just gave a few of you post-traumatic Chaucer disorder.

Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York

Overheard by: Russ

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Just When You Were Starting to Miss College...

Freshman girl on phone: You're not gonna get HIV from kissing some random... (pause) What? (pause) Well, does he have sores on his lips?

UCSB Dorms
California

Overheard by: KLaugh

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Mr. Miyagi Taught Him How, in the First Movie.

Student: What would Elvis say?
Professor: What would Plato say?
Student: What would Butler say?
Campbell: What would Foucault say?
Girl in back row: All I know is he broke a table.

University of Mary Washington
Fredericksburg, Virginia

Overheard by: elvis eavesdropper

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Nicely, Before I Get Out the Acid-Filled Squirt Gun.

Dry lecturer to class: Given the grades you got in the test, you should really be listening to what I'm saying. (pause) That's rather bitchy, isn't it? It's my way of saying: "shut the whatever up."

University of Auckland
New Zealand

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A Dicktatorship?

Professor: So Russia had this really phallus-oriented system of government...

University
Newfoundland
Canadia

Overheard by: Mel

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Has Legally Blonde Ruined the Profession? Discuss.

Professor: When thinking about a case, you have to start by listing all the parties. You go, "We are the plaintiffs, the mighty, mighty plaintiffs..."

Law School
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: MaggieB

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Focus, Britney!

Female student: I came home last night and found my roommate sitting on the kitchen floor, crying and holding a bottle of Jägermeister and a recipe for homemade enchiladas.
Dumb friend: I didn't know you made enchiladas with Jägermeister.

University of Colorado, Boulder

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Sometimes the Tooth Fairy Makes Extra Special Visits

Boy standing in line for smoothie: That better not be sparkle lips gloss.
Girl standing with him, applying lip gloss: It is, but it has like too many sparkles.
Boy: That's even worse! (pause) My one friend woke up with a ring of sparkles around his... well, you know...

University Fair
Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: ashley

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Your Editors Feel a Fierce College Nostalgia Coming on

Girl to girl and guy: Guys, can I just tell you about my weekend?
(no reply)
Girl again: Can I tell ya'll about my weekend?
(they look at her and nod)
Girl again, whispering: It had to do with a penis...

UNCC Campus
Charlotte, North Carolina

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Though, to Be Fair, Masturbating to Hillary Swank Photos Could Go Either Way

Girl #1: She still thinks he's gay.
Girl #2: But he isn't.
Girl #1, laughing: And we have proof.
Girl #2, laughing also: Yes we do!

University of Arizona

Overheard by: Whats the proof

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...Ever Since She Became a Character on Laguna Beach

Latin professor: Can anyone use a Latin interjection in a sentence?
Student: Lo! Look at that angel!
Latin professor: Yes, that is a very common interjection.

University of Denver, Colorado

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...For Talking to Me!

Student #1: Hey, how was your Easter?
Student #2: I'm Jewish, but thank you!

Paul Smith's College
New York

Overheard by: agnostic librarian

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"Sometimes"?

Civil procedure professor: Don't you sometimes think this class would be better if we were all a little inebriated?

Law School
Los Angeles, California

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This Ring Symbolizes My No-Footsie Promise

Burly male college student: I don't want to put my bare feet somewhere where someone's already put their bare feet.

Murray State University
Kentucky

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Here's the Chart

Biology professor: You're getting me all nervous about my penis... Which I measure daily.

Community College
Illinois

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Tara Reid Has Done So Much for Humanity

Girl: She wasn't flashing us! Her boob was hanging out. He was in shock. I think it was the first time he ever saw a boob in real life.

Texas Christian University
Fort Worth, Texas

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Stop Eating Those Cheetos!

Girl in puffy pink coat: I went to Jared's yesterday and I was all like, "you're a jerk." Know what I mean?
Girl in puffy white coat: I dunno. My nails are orange.

Illinois institute

Overheard by: abbie

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Can I Direct You to the Braille Section, Sir?

Library patron: I'm a molecular biologist. I don't care about things I can see with my eyes.

UC Berkeley
Berkeley, California

Overheard by: MaggieB

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Just Bursting With High-Fat Custard

Chick #1: She's on a date with a French guy.
(pause)
Chick #2: I bet French cock is like an eclair.

University of Denver, Colorado

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Either Listen Up or Nap Like the Rest Of Us, Dude

Guy leaving psych class: Why are we talking about bed bugs liking it up the ass?! How is that relevant?

University of Pittsburgh
Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Ellie

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I've Been Eating My Words a Lot Lately

Professor, discussing types of fat: Babies aren't fat like... (points at a fat girl) No, I don't want to say that... like my tummy.

University of Georgia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And Why Do You Say That About Everything?

Guy #1: Have you even seen Sophie's choice?
Guy #2: Yeah. Isn't the choice like, diabetes or a piano?
Guy #1: What?

University of Florida

Overheard by: Nick

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Me, Nature, and Judge Judy

Chemistry professor: Now, it may seem that nature has gotten it wrong--but like me, nature never gets it wrong.

University of Auckland
New Zealand

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You Sure Those Were Judas's Last Words?

Professor: And he's like, "Jesus, I wish I was pagan!"

Memorial University
Newfoundland
Canadia

Overheard by: Mel

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Alice Passed; Her Liver Failed

Girl, walking across campus with friends: I think two beers and a shot is the perfect amount for that class!

University of Arizona

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That's Not the Jesus Story I've Heard

Greenpeace guy: It's never good to idolize someone who died hanging himself and jerking off.

Oregon State University

Overheard by: David

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Happened to the Cro-Magnons All the Time

Drunk girl, very concerned: He's totally going to get fucked in the A! And he has scoliosis, so he's always bent over, so he's definitely going to get fucked in the A!

Macalester College
St. Paul, Minnesota

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Being a Looney Tune Is a Thankless Job

Female student, having side conversation: I'm always getting hit by pianos!

Columbia College
Chicago, Illinois

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Tonight on John and Kate Plus 9MM

Chemistry lab professor: Families work well only if they are close-knit. Unlike those people who went and had eight kids. Who cares about them? I wish someone would just go shoot them.

Edison State College
Fort Myers, Florida

Overheard by: Chikara

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You Need to Stop Watching Those Darned Kardashians, Sir.

Professor: You just need to expose yourself! That's how you better yourself!

Middle Tennessee State Univ
Murfreesboro, Tennessee

Overheard by: Libby K.

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...Next to Making Undergrads Uncomfortable.

Professor: I advise you all to make love, at least once, outside in the rain. It's the best feeling in the world.

Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York

Overheard by: Mackenzie

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I Blame the Obamas!

Student #1: The professor wanted us to list our ten favorite books.
Student #2: So?
Student #1: All I could think of was "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie."

East Carolina University
Greenville, North Carolina

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Why Undocumented Immigrant Surrogates Exist

Sloppily-dressed teen girl to another: Do you know how many new outfits I would have to buy to carry a baby around for nine months?

Sam Houston State University
Huntsville, Texas

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Why Is There One In Your Office?

Thesis advisor to uncomfortable-looking advisees: You girls might be too young for it, but if you ever have the chance to have sex on a water bed, you should do it.

Colgate University
Madison County, New York

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And a Fun and Flirty One

Girl, returning from holidays in America: So yeah, I got put in actual jail.
Friend: For drinking on the beach?
Girl: Yup, got the orange jumpsuit and all.
Friend: Did you get to keep it?
Girl: I didn't like to ask, to be honest. Would've been a savage souvenir, though.

UCC Campus
Ireland

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Are You Pregnant?

Girlfriend: You still have Jack Daniels in my fridge! All nice and frozen. Well, it's not frozen because alcohol has a high freezing point, but it's been in there for months so it's as "frozen" as it's gonna get, well, not really because...
Stressed-out boyfriend: Woman! Too many words in that sentence!

Saint Peter's College
New Jersey

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A Damsel in Distress Can Count on a Guy Peeing on Her

Teen girl #1: I wish a jellyfish would sting me so some handsome guy would run along the beach, whip out his dick and pee on me.
Teen girl #2: What?
Teen girl #1: To neutralize the sting, dumbass.
Teen girl #2: I know that. But still: what?

Carleton University
Ottawa
Canadia

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To Use a Completely Hypothetical Anecdote

Professor: Fluorine is to chlorine as chlorine is to Kool-Aid. If you inhale chlorine, it burns your nose--you inhale fluorine and it'll eat your face and look for your family.

San Diego State University
San Diego, California

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Dan: "Wrong Enough to Be Right?"

Girl in class: Dan, can you spread me out? (pause) Oh, that sounded wrong.

University of Northern Colorado

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Your Editors Are on Irony Overload

Wangsta on cell: Dude, how the hell am I supposed to carry a 14-inch Mickey Mouse piñata?
(short pause) Well, I guess I could just stuff it in my messenger bag.

University
San Francisco, California

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I Can Finally See Things Clearly.

Hipster guy: Are you going to bed?
Hipster girl: No. I just don't know man. I feel like my head is full of Saran wrap.

Virginia Tech
Blacksburg, Virginia

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Why Else Go to College?

Frat guy, after taking a hit from a blunt and smoking a cigarette: I feel like I spend the majority of my day inhaling something.

University of Wisconsin
Madison, Wisconsin

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And Difficult-to-Pronounce Furniture?

Professor, exasperated: Don't you guys know anything about education in Sweden? Or anything about Sweden at all?
Physical education major: Yeah, that's where we get those Swiss Army knives.

Education Class
Ohio State University

Overheard by: i can't believe these people are going to be teachers...

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Trust Me-- The Cat Will Love It.

Professor on cell: Okay, okay, so get it nice and wet and then put it on.

Ventura College
Ventura, California

Overheard by: Katherine

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Who Wants to Volunteer for My First Demonstration?

Economics professor, discussing equilibrium in trade curves: When you reach that point, the climax, everyone can go home satisfied and exhausted. So as you can imagine, we're going to fool around with these curves quite a bit.

Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com

Overheard by: au

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The Cum-stained Pants Were Also a Tip-Off

Professor to another: I saw you walk in with your purse, messenger bag, and backpack. You've been having sex again?

USC School of Social Work
California

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Invented by Mister Newton.

Professor: So, I can see that some of you try to care about my feelings, and others don't give a fig.
Student #1: Whoa! Could you not use such harsh vegetables?
(entire class goes silent)
Student #2: I didn't know a "fig" was a vegetable.
Student #3: I thought it was a grape. A dried grape.

Johnson & Wales University
Providence, Rhode Island

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Whoo Hoo, I Just Used All My Words Of the Day!

Girl on cell: It's going to fucking rain in circa one hour.

University of Pennsylvania
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: grad student

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Like Many Of My Students, Strangely Enough.

Science professor: This is plastic deformation, like what happens to those baby-seal catchers. You know, the plastic that comes around soda cans? Sometimes you catch penguins too, but those are much harder--they run really fast, and they have no regard for their bodies. They just throw themselves off cliffs.

Boston University
Boston, Massachusetts

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This Would Be a Great Porno Opening.

Professor, near the end of two-hour lecture, taking a few deep breaths: I'm losing it myself, I'm bored!

Michigan State University

Overheard by: almost-facinated student

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Guys In Wheelchairs Get All the Breaks

Giddy girl, to guy in a wheelchair: Well, you certainly have sexual harassment down pat.

Art Department
University of Alaska

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The Debate About Renée Zellweger Rages on

Guy: That's an unfortunate-looking girl.
Girl: She has Down syndrome.
Guy: I'm going to hell.

University of Florida

Overheard by: Nick

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Your Plot Summary Of The Grapes Of Wrath Leaves Something to Be Desired

Stoner guy: So he turned around and there were aliens in the back seat. Then he said, "Yay! Now we can have a hoe down!"

Western Kentucky University

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I Told You Not to Pet the Rabbits, Lenny.

Girl: Oh... Unh... Yeah, that's the spot.
Friend: Doesn't it hurt when you rub it so hard like that?
Girl: No, it... oh, that's blood. That's probably not good.

Clark Hall Women's Room
University of Virginia

Overheard by: girl in the stall

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If You Run Into Them at a Bar Just Walk Away, or I Will Fail You

Professor: I have kids. I might have grandkids, but with my children... that probably shouldn't happen.

Arcadia University
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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...Right Next to Our TA

Communications professor: There are no stupid questions. If you have a question, that means you don't understand something. If you don't ask the question you will be behind for the day, for the week, semester, and the rest of your life. You will find yourself sucking cheap wine out of a paper bag and sleeping on a grate.

Washington State University
Pullman, Washington

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This Will Be on the Midterm.

American history professor: So this Bacon guy died of the flux. Or as I like to say, he shat himself to death.

University Of Louisiana
Monroe, Louisiana

Overheard by: a bored Am. History student

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Mind If I Feed Her This Pot Brownie?

Sorostitute: Oh my god! Your baby is so cute! How old is she?
Single mom: One.
Sorostitute: Oh my god. She is so precious! I love children, I keep the nursery in church and I used to babysit, like, all the time. Do you think I could...
Single mom: No.
Sorostitute: Hold her?
Single mom: No.

University of Alabama

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He Feels Guilty When He Calls Things Hot Trannies Messes

Fashionista student: So is he like, Christian gay from project runway?
Oblivious teacher: No, he's like Jewish gay.

American University
Washington, DC

Overheard by: I'm Jewish

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If She Needs to Have That Many Of Them, Maybe She Shouldn't Stop?

Sorority girl: Well, she should stop having abortions then!

University of Michigan

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A Magical Planet, with Panty Vending Machines.

Teacher: I've decided that the Japanese live on another planet, that we can sometimes take a plane to.

Art Institute of Washington
Arlington, Virginia

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And She Says Yes

Quirky college student: You know it's love when you ask "please, can I suck your dick?"
Friend: Word.

Willamette University
Salem, Oregon

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Another Casualty Of the "Math Is Hard" Barbie

Girl to friend: I was like "whatever, bitch! You're not even a real registered nurse. Like you'll be working full time in a doctor's office making $20 an hour, and I'll be a real nurse making $20,000 a year."

Texas State University

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We Won't Know 'til We Take the Bar Exam

Law student: The professor was late the first day because he couldn't find his keys until he realized they were in the ignition of his car, and then he came in and sat cross-legged on the desk and talked about Woodstock. So it could be worse, I suppose.

University of Alabama
Tuscaloosa, Alabama

Overheard by: Jennifer

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Like Everyone in That Detrol Commercial

Guy, suddenly getting up from table: Gotta go!
Girl #1: Where's he going?
Girl #2: Maybe he's Superman.

Wilfrid Laurier University
Waterloo, Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: mookie

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Otherwise Known As the "Hockey Team" Effect

Anthropology professor: So they tried so hard to be hetero that they just came out being really homo...
Class: (laughs)
Anthropology professor: ...geneous.

Bucknell University
Lewisburg, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Peter

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I'm Like a Two-Legged Redbook Magazine

Pretentious student to professor: There were a lot of people there. Interesting people. But most of them weren't as interesting as me.

University of Maine
Orono, Maine

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Raising Vampires Is a Thankless Job

Old man on cell: Are they suckling decently? (pause) You might as well get it over with and drown them, if you know what I mean. (pause) Well, yeah, but are they swallowing?

Michigan State University

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I Hate to Ask Their Names, Though

Girl #1: Girl, I am pregnant.
Girl #2: Do you know who the daddy is?
Girl #1: No!
Girl #2: Girl, my doctor told me that when I sleep with a man, to write it on the calendar, so if I get pregnant they can try to find the daddy!

Elevator, Columbus State Community College
Columbus, Ohio

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God, It's Hot in Here

Professor: When I tell people I'm an English professor they always ask what my favorite word is. You know what I tell them? "Fuck" is my favorite word. Also, "lackadaisical." How about "lackadaisical fuck"? (laughs)

Gordon College
Barnesville, Georgia

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On the Intellectual Version Of Double Dare

Professor: They were playing the Rocky theme song while I was trying to think great thoughts.

McDaniel College, Maryland

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I Don't Think You See What I'm Saying.

Philosophy teacher: Nowadays we see faith as blind belief. Is that fair to say?
Blind student: No.
Philosophy teacher: Right, why?
Blind student: I never believe anything blindly.

Santa Ana College
California

Overheard by: Frankie1way

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My Dad Kept Telling People to Kill Me

Student #1: I told my dad I wanted to be famous, and he told me I should kill someone. I was like, seven.
Student #2: At least he's supportive.

Philedelphia University, Pennsylvania

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Creatures Often Crawl Out Of the Lake to Matriculate

Girl #1: Jane*'s nice.
Girl #2: Yeah. But she smells like a dirty used tampon.
Girl #1: Yeah, makes me sick a bit.

University of Toronto
Canadia

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Has No One Done the Reading?

Professor: Who creates design?
Student: Women?
Professor: Men! Men! Gay men!

SUNY
Purchase, New York

Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld

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Not Even a Semi? You Disappoint Me.

Professor: Here's a good thing to compare to the turgor pressure in a plant cell: have any of you seen an erection?

University of Illinois at Chicago

Overheard by: suddenly paying attention

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And I Already Squeal Like a Girl, So...

Band geek, eating lunch, to friends: I've come to the realization that if I were a woman, I'd have amazing breasts.

Rutgers University
Camden, New Jersey

Overheard by: One time at band camp...

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Didn't They Try That Defense in a Law & Order Episode?

College guy #1: I think racism is just really bad OCD!
College guy #2: Haha, yeah!

University of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

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It'll Be a Nice Compliment to Your Bowel-Movement Streaming News Feed

Girl #1: I'll check back. I'll continue to burp regularly and tell you about it.
Girl #2: Please do.

Brock University
St. Catharines, Ontario
Canadia

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The Mandated Intro to All Evolution Classes in Virginia

Professor: For all you know, this is a huge lie!

Christopher Newport University
Newport News, Virginia

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At Least They Own the Stereotype

Frat guy #1: So my mom bought me two new polos. One is blue with pink, and the other is orange and green. But I already have one that's orange and green.
Frat guy #2: Dude, I'll take it.
Frat guy #1: Nah, I think I'm gonna trade it to Duke for some pot.

Virginia Tech

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That's Why Raccoons Wash Their Food First

Guy: When I went down on him, I realized he didn't shower.
Friend: Gross.
Guy: Yeah, I wasn't even gagging because of his dick, but because of his foul stench.

UC
Berkeley, California

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They Have No Idea What's Going on

Economics graduate to friend, looking around sadly at subdued crowd: We should go to the poli sci graduation later. I heard it's riotous.

UCLA
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Another Economics Graduate

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Like Romeo and Ghouliet or A Midsummer Night's Scream

Girl to guy: Most Shakespeare works could have totally been done with zombies!

Kennesaw State University, Georgia

Overheard by: Dr. Hypokrit

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If That's Your Sex Club, I'm Not Interested.

Guy: Hold my backpack for me.
Turkish girl: No.
Guy: If you hold my backpack for me, I'll let you into the European Union.

Middlebury College
Middlebury, Vermont

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When Aesop Tried Peyote

Dude: You fail to see that the rhinoceros is not pleased that you've clogged the bathtub drain with jam and celery. She's quite angry with you. I mean, if you just shit out a canary, it's not going to want to play tonsil hockey.
Friend: How hard would it be to get you involuntarily committed to a mental institution?

Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York

Overheard by: Russ

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We Will Now Test This Hypothesis Empirically

Student: Crack cocaine is the best thing since fried rice!

UC San Diego
San Diego, California

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Not to Mention Bourbon Sprawl

Teacher: Does anyone know how many people live in Chicago?
Student: I think it's like 7 million.
Teacher, looking at student awkwardly: I'm not quite sure it's that many.
Student: Well, that's not counting all the proverbs...

College
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Julie

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Ah Well, You Can Always Become President.

Professor: Isaac Newton, on his deathbed, was proud to announce that he was a virgin. So if any of you want to be famous scientists, you are going to have to be willing to make a few sacrifices.
Girl, raising hand: Um.
Professor: Oh, is it too late?

De Anza Community College
Cupertino, California

Overheard by: shyinvisiblegirl loves physics

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Edgar Allan Poe, You Get Out Of That Crypt This Minute!

Frowning little boy among kids running and playing: I wonder if this building is haunted. (pause) You should really keep an eye out for these things.

University of Washington
Seattle, Washington

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...While the Three Little Pigs Watched Through Binoculars.

Psych professor: Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a sexual encounter.

Purdue University
West Lafayette, Indiana

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Always Wondered What Went on at Those Methodist Schools

Chick: I chased him into the boys bathroom, and now I'm all wet!

Millsaps College
Jackson, Mississippi

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Almost As Great As "O Hanukah" on Kazoo

Guy on cell: Have you ever heard "Dreidel, dreidel " played on guitar? It's fucking awesome!

University of Delaware
Newark, Delaware

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Mostly Just Between the Sheets.

Girl: So we decided to be friends.
Friend: Wait, in real life or on Facebook?

Brown University
Providence, Rhode Island

Overheard by: krr

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The Real Secret Behind Jared's Weight Loss.

Girl #1: I haven't kissed him in over a week because he has mono. But a couple days ago we went out to Subway, and then to my house to eat it and watch a movie. Well, he went home and I saw what I thought was my Subway cup, so I took a big swig out of it.
Girl #2: Oh, no!
Girl #1: Yeah, and I said "screw it!" and I just decided to make out with him, since I missed it so much. But I've been feeling a little crappy lately.
Girl #2: (stares)
Girl #1, thoughtfully: I hope I'm not getting sick. (pause) Oh, this shirt is cute!

UCCS
Colorado Springs, Colorado

Overheard by: Dazeys

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You Can Sell the Blood to Marilyn Manson for a Bundle.

Professor: Now, I want you to listen to what McCormack does with this last phrase. And then I want you to go slit your wrists. Because I know I do every time I hear this.

Peabody Conservatory
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Emo has nothing on opera

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It's Either One or the Other, These Days.

Blonde guy: And it burned the whole way down! I think my esophagus hemorrhaged.
Skinny guy: Hey, at least you didn't eat nine bowls of pudding.

Kansas State University

Overheard by: Michele

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Genesis Suggests the Lord Had Second Thoughts

Psychology professor, speaking of horrible deaths in the French Revolution: People are terrible...they should have never been invented.

Rutgers University
Newark, New Jersey

Overheard by: Person

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Available in a Wide Variety Of Sizes and Colors

Girl #1: You're too horny for your own good. Why don't you just get a dildo?
Girl #2: Why would I want a dildo when I can just get the real thing whenever I want?

Emory University
Atlanta, Georgia

Overheard by: Hank

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I Was Gonna Give Up the Baby Anyway

Teenage girl #1 in high school bathroom: I'm excited that I'm pregnant, it just sucks that I'll have to give up drinking.
Teenage girl #2: Why? I didn't!

Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: not surprised

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Nag, Nag, Nag. Jesus.

Girl to roommate guy: You should really clean the blood out of your clown shoes.

Colby-Sawyer College Dorm
New London, New Hampshire

Overheard by: Jess

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Hamlet Woulda Loved Resident Evil

English teacher, reading Hamlet: "To die, to sleep; To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come..." Alright class, we'll pick it up from there on Monday.
Frat boy #1: What the fuck was that about?
Frat boy #2: I don't know, man. Let's go kill some zombies.

Gettysburg College
Gettysburg, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Alyssa

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...It's Deep

Women studies professor, waving arms: We all have the same vaginas!
Student: I love this class.

Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Tri

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...So No Standards Apply to You

Black professor to black student: So I hold you to a different standard than the white students. (to white student) Except for you. Because you're from Michigan.

www.overheardatyale.com

Overheard by: Overheard at Yale

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You'd Best Not Be Bringing That Bag to Our Next Orgy!

Sorority girl #1: That whore stole my coach bag!
Sorority girl #2: Did you call her out on it?
Sorority girl #1: Well, no, it wasn't actually mine yet, but I told her that I was going to get that one like a week ago, and now she's carrying it. (walks past coach girl, who has iPod headphones in one ear, phone up to other ear) Whore!

Central Michigan University

Overheard by: Central Girl

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...After What Happened Last Time?

Sober sorostitute with heavy smoker's voice: Like o-m-g, I just decided on my Halloween costume!
Drunk sorostitute, stamping feet: Oh my god! What?! What what what?
Sober sorostitute: Wait for it...wait for it... Little ho peep!
Drunk sorostitute: Can we have sex with the little ho sheep?

Duke University
Durham, North Carolina

Overheard by: Disgusted

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Probably Not Abortion Doctors.

Student on phone: Did you know doctors get fifty percent off of Domino's pizzas?

University of Sussex Campus
England

Overheard by: Zaney

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Like, What the Hell Does "Whom" Mean?

Receptionist, explaining e-mail to coworker: Or she may have even did the grammar slightly off.

Library
Arizona State University

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But Instead It Was Kindergarteners.

Guy: We could have been run over by trucks or seagulls.

Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York

Overheard by: Nik

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What You Get for Going to Film School in Kansas

Film GTA: Will Farrell is the Groucho Marx of our generation.
Student: (nods wearily)
Film GTA: I mean, Talladega Nights was absolute genius!

University of Kansas
Lawrence, Kansas

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I Don't Want Any More "Filmstrip" Pregnancies on My Conscience

Teacher, setting up overhead: Okay, I'm going to turn off the lights. Keep your hands to yourself.

High School
Tucson, Arizona

Overheard by: Always got groped during her tests

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Um, I'm Twelve.

Guy on cell: Yeah, well, that sucks that you don't have any friends, but now at least it's legal for you to drink your troubles away!

University of Delaware
Newark, Delaware

Overheard by: Anne

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Time to Start Talking About Gay Rights in More PC Terms

Voice over intercom: So, come out and buy some juice and support a good cause.
Girl #1: Um, what good cause?
Girl #2: I dunno. Fruit?

High School
Calgary
Canadia

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K, Guys?

Toolish guy: I don't believe that single consonants should be legitimate prepositions.

Dorm, Princeton University
Princeton, New Jersey

Overheard by: Mary Cait

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It's Even More Fetching When It's Full

Coed: I like your bladder.

USC
Los Angeles, California

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Who Gives Map Quizzes at the College Level?

Student #1, pointing to answer on a map quiz: Why did I get this wrong?
Student #2: That's Canada, you labeled it the USA.
Student #1: But we own them, the professor said so.
Student #2: Figuratively.
Student #1: Well, that's misinforming!

Cafe, Kent State University
Kent, Ohio

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...For Being Boring.

Girl on cell: At least I never got kicked off of Facebook!

UCLA
California

Overheard by: what...?

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