Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | Places | Venues

You're Just in Time to See the Internet Made Illegible

Soldier: What is that thing?
Passenger #1: An iPhone.
Passenger #2: Man, where the hell have you been?
Soldier: Iraq.

Flight from Minneapolis to Pittsburgh

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Oh, and Death. And Taxes

20-something #1: Yeah, see, that's our problem: These girls are pushing 30 and their biological clocks are going off and all that.
20-something #2: Well, that wasn't my problem before, she was 23 when I started dating her.
20-something #1 (thoughtfully): Yeah... that's our other problem: time.

Airplane between Detroit and Las Vegas

Overheard by: ncs

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I've Always Wanted to Be a Fascist

TSA agent, looking at ID: So Judy*, how are you doing today?
50-something woman: Fine. How are you?
TSA agent: You know, living the dream.

Security Terminal
Airport, Minneapolis

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Ugly Children May Be Retrieved at the Lost and Found

Flight attendant: As we prepare to disembark, please check to make sure you have not abandoned any bags, personal items or children. All abandoned items will be divided up among the flight attendants, except the children, who will be given to the captain.

JetBlue Flight

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It's Not Technically a Violation of the Restraining Order If She Boards the Plane

Pilot: Before we start our ascent, an important question: Anyone here from the North Allegheny high school class of '68? [silence] I always ask. I'm hoping at some point I'll find my old girlfriend.

JetBlue flight
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Ladle

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Did That Come Out Of Me?

Woman in bathroom stall, on cell : ... That's just how it is... No, that's my pee you're hearing... Anyways, what did she say? Wait a second, I have to wipe...

Spokane Airport
Spokane, Washington

Overheard by: wish i had held it...

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Suck His Toes and You'll Be High for Days

Large black woman on cell: Girl! I'm tellin' you, I don't know where I gots them warts on my feets. But they nasty! I don't want to give them to nobody else, so I brought me some lil' socks, you know... Them cushy foots? Not like Earl, who goes barefoot all over the city with them mushroom funguses on his toes. His toenails be like baby powder! They all crumbly and shit.

Detroit Metro Airport
Detroit, Michigan

Overheard by: Trying not to barf (and glad I wore socks)

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Can You Even Use "Oxygen" As a Verb Like That?

Male flight attendant: ... And if you brought more than two children with you today, decide which your favorite is and oxygen that one first.

Southwest Airlines Flight #135

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What's This Irrational Fear of Joan of Arc?

Man on cell: I wouldn't worry about her though, she's dead.

Newark airport
Newark, New Jersey

Overheard by: catherine

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Mango: Nobody Touch Me!

Lady on PA system: United 119 passengers can claim their baggage at carousel D... D as in delicious. Delicious mango. Delicious, delicious mangoes.

Logan International Airport
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: John Y

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Isn't That Cute?

Man, pointing out the window, to his wife: Look, honey, they even have cars!

Shout-out: zipster.wordpress.com

Overheard by: The Zipster

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And Live in a Parental-Notification State

Teen girl #1: Oh my god! Really? Well, even though you're three weeks late, you totally don't have to worry until a month after you guys actually did it. So you've definitely got at least a week left until you need to start worrying.
Teen girl #2: ... Really?
Teen girl #1: Yes, I'm completely sure. You're totally fine. Golden. Except that you're 17 and might be pregnant.

Dallas Airport
Dallas, Texas

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And Stop Masturbating in the Shower -- You're Clogging the Drain.

Pilot to passengers: Welcome to Hawaii! I'm going to tell you all what my mom told me when I turned 18: get your bags and get out.

Direct flight from Seattle, Washington to Oakland, California

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And That One Didn't Measure Up to My Standards

Chick #1: Ewww!
Chick #2: It wasn't me! I take responsibility for all of my actions, including farts.

Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com

Overheard by: martin

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Good Thing "Shut Up, You Cow" Is Easy to Convey with Body Language

Large white lady to small Mexican husband: I'm bleeding. [Pokes hubby, who ignores her.] Heyyy, I'm bleeding from my neck! Don't you care?! [Hubby puts headphones on and looks out window.] I wish I knew you didn't speak English before I married you!

Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com

Overheard by: corwin

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Good Luck Explaining That to Non-Native Speakers

American college guy to friends: My mom told me I was pussy-whipped.

Brussels National Airport
Belgium

Overheard by: aja

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Don't Trust Skinny People with Your Food

Skinny guy #1: I'm thinking our restaurant should have, like, taxidermied animals and tomato plants and stuff.
Skinny guy #2: Way cool!
Skinny guy #1: That way it could be like a museum of natural history full of the things people are eating, living or dead.

Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com

Overheard by: rich

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Why Do You Always Have to Add That?

Guy #1, leaving the bar: I'll see you later.
Guy #2, still nursing his drink: Yeah, if I don't die first.

Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com

Overheard by: molly

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Then What's with the People in Canoes?

Passenger: What lake is that we're flying over?
Flight attendant: That would be a cloud.

Flight from St. George, Utah, to Los Angeles, California

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This Is Mathilda's Follow-Up Question to Everything

Young girl: Where is your husband?
Old woman: Oh, honey, my husband is up in heaven.
Young girl: I'm sorry... Did he get eaten by a crocodile?

Flight to Bermuda

Overheard by: elizabeth

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If I Make It Seem Longer, You'll Feel You Got Your Money's Worth

Flight attendant, before takeoff: My name is Marynell. That's 'Mary' and 'Nell,' not just Mary... But that's probably too much information since this is such a short flight.

United flight 6056
Madison, Wisconsin to Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: archdiva

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And Don't Get Me Started about That "District of Columbia" Nonsense

Child: Why are we landing in Baltimore?
Mom: We switch planes there on the way home to Phoenix.
Child: What state is Baltimore in?
Mom: Um, let me think [picks up airline magazine to look at route map]. 'Baltimore/Washington.' Well, that doesn't make any sense.

Southwest Airlines flight from Buffalo to Baltimore

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Now Everyone Fasten Their Duct Tape -- We're about to Take Off

Pilot: There is no smoking on this aircraft. The penalty for smoking is two thousand dollars. If you had that kind of money, you'd probably be flying United.

Southwest Airlines flight

Overheard by: broke

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It's All in How You Color the States

Passenger #1 looking at map on screen: Oh, look -- we're over Montana right now.
Passenger #2: Montana's in Canada! Cool!

Over Montana, British Airways flight

Overheard by: Confused Flyer

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What Have You Been Doing?

20-something: Alright! Smells like booze on the plane.
Overprotective mom: No, that's just my hand sanitizer.

Flight to Buffalo, New York

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Mommy, Why Is the Plane Rearing Up Like That?

Pilot over loudspeaker, while landing plane: Whoa there, big fella!

Delta Airlines flight

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Wait, No, a Dolphin

Guy to girlfriend: It sounds like we hit a whale.

AirTran plane from New Orleans to New York

Overheard by: Jofo

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Also Why the Germans Lost Two Wars

Young suit: I need to get a new BlackBerry. I dropped my old one in a urinal. Well, I was wearing lederhosen, and they don't have pockets.

San Jose Airport
California

Overheard by: Keren

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Aw, C'mon, People, That's Great Material!

Flight attendant: Should the overhead oxygen masks deploy, please put the mask around your face as I will now demonstrate... [Puts mask on, then breathes heavily] Luuuke, I am your father...

US Airways flight to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

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Let's Just Get a Room This Time, Okay?

Hot chick: I was too tired for a layover in Denver! It's not like you'd let me nap -- we'd just end up fucking in the airport bathroom for five hours. Wait! If Denver's the Mile High City, do you think bathroom sex can count us into the Mile High Club? Oh my god, I am changing my flight -- Cleveland can wait. Cock is so much more important.

Minneapolis-St.Paul International Airport
Minneapolis, Minnesota

Overheard by: Wishing I was the dude in Denver

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For You Cat Lovers, It Was a Dog

Flight attendant over PA after bump during taxi: Don't worry guys, it was just a cat!

Southwest Airlines, BWI airport
Baltimore, Maryland

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God, You're Such a Maudlin Drunk

Dad to howling toddler: Stop it! Suck it up! You don't hear anyone else crying, do you?

United flight descending into O'Hare
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Rose Fox

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Or at Least Pull Up Your Underwear

Airport PA: Will the man with his pants around his ankles please return to Security and retrieve your belt?

Chicago Midway Airport
Chicago, Illinois

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Which They'll Provide in Both the Front and the Tail

Pilot: We'll be flying with our team of flight attendants today, and of course we'll be looking forward to the great service they provide... [Awkward laugh] The great service they provide to you, of course.

American Airlines flight

Overheard by: not that kind of service

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It'll Only Get Rougher from There

Male flight attendant: This will be a miserable flight. It'll be really turbulent and then we'll end up in New Jersey.

Flight into Newark Airport

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I Used to Wear the Wonderbra, but I Kept Needing to Get Abortions

Sorority girl #1: So, like, you still get your period when you're on the pill.
Sorority girl #2: Yeah, but not when you're pregnant.
Sorority girl #1: So what's the point of the pill, then?
Sorority girl #2: It totally makes your boobs bigger.

Airport
Lexington, Kentucky

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Just Keep Watering It, Sweetie

Little girl: Mom, why don't I have a hairy butt like you?

Bathroom, AA flight 329

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Nah, Just Another Psychotic Break

The pilot is sitting in the cockpit making clicking noises and singing in a falsetto voice.

Flight attendant: Are you high?

On the runway
Dulles, Virginia

Overheard by: first class is scary

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