Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | Places | Venues

Which, Incidentally, Is Also the Title Of My Autobiography.

British girl: That being said, I don't worry about hiccups much, but I do worry about life a lot.

United Flight
Yerevan
Armenia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

One Of Your Editors Is Wearing a Cheers Sweatshirt-- True Story.

Guy to cab driver: I just want to go where nobody knows my name.
Cab driver: You mean Cheers, "where everybody knows your name"?
Guy: No.

Logan Airport
Boston, Massachusetts

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Sounds Almost As Cool As Our Job.

Woman on cell: I'm coming to LA to make 100 Egyptian army uniforms, then I'm going back.

International Airport
El Paso, Texas

Overheard by: V

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Old Is the New Dead

Guy on cell: You realize it is old people's only duty to die to get out of the way right?

International Airport
Louisville, Kentucky

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Why the Gays Should Run the World

Delightfully gay and snarky flight attendant: Now, ladies, I am impressed with your Louis Vuitton and your coach. I adore your Prada and your Gucci. They are beautiful. But I will be more impressed with all of your bags if you stow them under the seat while we are landing. Now sit back and shut up.
(five minutes later, while plane is taxiing)
Delightfully gay and snarky flight attendant: We are finally here. So please, exit the plane a lot quicker than you boarded it. (plane stops, parks at gate) Get out.

Midway Airport
Chicago, Illinois

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...Even Though It Sounds Like It Could Be a Muslim Name.

Flight attendant: Just for future reference, when flying into O'Hare, Xanax is your friend.

O'Hare Airport
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: NeededSome

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Happily, Her Default Assumption Is Cancun.

Confused lady on PA: Ladies and gentleman, flight 250... Wait, where am I?

Airport
Salt Lake City, Utah

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How International Incidents Begin

Gate attendant over PA: This is the final boarding call for Singapore Airlines flight 123.
(announcement is repeated several times over there)
Different voice, over pa: Singapore airlines, could you please not make so many announcements?

Airport
San Francisco, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

For the Same Reason the Tampon Ads Spare Us the Gory Details

Older woman, watching Viagra tv commercial: Why don't they ever show the guy from the waist down with a big ol' boner?

Airport
Atlanta, Georgia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The Next Stupid State Referendum

Loudspeaker in airport: Please don't leave your belongings unattended.
Crazy lady, to no one: Did they just say homosexuality isn't allowed in the airport?

Airport
Oakland, California

Overheard by: Kristina

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And Swing by the Great Wall on the Way?

Traveler with heavy European accent: So, can we drive to the Grand Canyon one day? We'd really like to see it while in America.

Dulles Airport
Washington, DC

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We'll Now Begin the "Sensual Massage" Portion Of Our Flight

Flight attendant, over loudspeaker: We will now be dimming the lights for the remainder of the flight.
(Lights dim)
Flight attendant, in deep, sexy voice: Are you in the mood to fly now? I thought so...

Southwest Airlines Flight
Austin, Texas

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But I'm Sure You'll Locate Your Suitcase-- Bwahaha!

Passenger trying to find lost baggage: Excuse me! Do you work for United?
Airline steward: No! Oh no! Thank god!

P.E. Trudeau Airport
Montreal
Canadia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Another Ticket and I Lose My License

Pilot standing at door to plane after pulling into gate: Shit! I totally didn't mean to park here!

Airport
Colorado Springs, Colorado

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Reader Poll: Is This Racist?

Girl: Promise me you won't fall in love with a Mexican while you're gone and leave me forever.
Boy: You're so racist sometimes.
Girl: I can't help it!

International Airport
Portland, Oregon

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And Then I'll Have to French-Kiss You, in a "Thank-You-for-Smacking-Me" Kind Of Way

Marine #1, on plane: Since you got the window seat, I might lean my head on your shoulder for part of this flight. Not in a gay way, more in a I'm-tired-and-want-to-lean-my-head-on-something kind of way.
Marine #2: Alright, but I might have to smack you. Not in an I-hate-you kind of way, more in a get-your-head-off-my-damn-shoulder kind of way.

Airplane
Atlanta, Georgia

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I'm Not Sure Purell Addiction Is Quite the Same Thing

40-something guy: Dr. Phil man, he showed up for Britney, maybe he'll show up for me.

Airport Baggage Claim
Newark, New Jersey

Overheard by: Sarah

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Filled with Marijuana

Security agent: What's in the box, sir?
Guy with cardboard box: Pot. (long pause, then slowly) A ceramic pot.

Durango Airport
Durango Colorado

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I Mean, They All Act Kinda Retarded

Customs officer to woman with a cat: Can you prove that this cat is Canadian?

Canadian Customs
Pearson Airport, Toronto
Canadia

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I Said It Smells Like Tacos, Not Shit

Gray-haired lady: It smells like tacos in here.
Older blue-haired lady, gesturing toward Latino family several feet away: I think it's those people over there.

Metropolitan Airport
Detroit, Michigan

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When Communists and Capitalists Work Together

Flight attendant: As you depart the aircraft, please check your area for any personal belongings. If you leave anything behind, please make sure that it can either be split three ways or that we can sell it on eBay. Thanks for flying Southwest!

Buffalo, New York

Overheard by: robyn

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

But You Don't Want to Go on a Flight Without Warm Nuts

Man, taking seat in airport lounge: Wow, this is the first time I've worn pants since...
Woman with him: Since the last time we flew. Feels weird, doesn't it?

Airport Lounge
North Carolina

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So Just Swear to Me You Aren't a Terrorist, and I'll Let You Through.

Poor overworked guy at counter: Please pardon my ignorance. My computers have collapsed, and that means my brain doesn't work anymore.

International Airport
New Orleans, Louisiana

Overheard by: Meaghan

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Lightly Stroke It.

Flight attendant: Contrary to popular belief, pushing the button with the flight attendant on it will not turn your flight attendant on. So don't push it.

Flight to New York

Overheard by: Erica Lynn

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So Smuggle Something Spreadable, Like Whipped Cream.

Flight attendant, describing Australia's quarantine practices: And if you do not declare any foodstuff and you get caught you may face on-the-spot fines, or prostitution.

Flight to Sydney, Australia

Overheard by: Erik

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...If It Were Spelled with a Silent T.

Teenager: Hey, which terminal is baggage claim?
Airport employee: Terminal T.
Teenager: Wait...which one?
Airport employee: Terminal T. "T" as in "Charlie."

JFK Airport
New York City, New York

Overheard by:

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Requiem for a Dream? Really?

Passenger to attendant: Excuse me? They turned the movie off.
Attendant: Yes, we're landing earlier than thought.
Passenger: Oh, but the movie wasn't over.
Attendant: Sorry about that, but we need to turn it off for descent.
Passenger: But I was watching it!
Attendant: I am very sorry, but since we have started our descent...
Passenger, interrupting: But now I don't know how it ends!
Attendant: They all lived happily ever after.

Qantas Flight to Melbourne
Australia

Overheard by: Seat 14 F

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So I'm Sure You All Appreciated the Delay

Vaguely thuggish flight attendant: Aiiight, y'all, welcome aboard United Airlines...don't know the flight number, but we're going to Detroit, and that's all that matters.

Delayed Flight from Washington, DC

Overheard by: keeeeem

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The Desire to Flee Rochester Will Overpower Anything

Woman on PA system: Attention. Please disregard the call for wheelchair assistance at gate A-5. Repeat: there is no wheelchair needed at gate A-5. It's a miracle!

Airport
Rochester, New York

Overheard by: Patty Astrolabe

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NewsFlash: Englishman Has Sense Of Humor. Film at 11.

Pilot, after riding tarmac for 20 minutes: Ladies and gentleman, this concludes our first two miles of our trip from London-Heahtrow International to Newark International. We do hope you enjoyed our lovely tarmac. The flight will commence once air traffic gives the all-clear for takeoff.

Heathrow International Airport
London
England

Overheard by: tired traveler

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We're Storing It Next to Jean-Luc Cousteau's Cheese Wheel

PA: Paging arriving passenger Juan Sanchez from Mexico City. Please return to gate B4 to retrieve your piñata.

Airport
Charlotte, North Carolina

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If That's True, How Come There's Never Been a Real World There?

Flight attendant: Okay, everyone, we're going to be landing soon. We would like to be the first to welcome you to reality...I mean, Cleveland.

Plane over Cleveland, Ohio

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QED, Girlfriend

Young woman #1: How much time do I waste studying that I could be working out?
Young woman #2: I'd rather be skinny than smart.

Logan Airport
Boston, Massachusetts

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Grim Reaper: "I Duck Into the Bathroom for Two Minutes..."

Flight attendant, after landing: If anyone left a black coat, please come to the front of the cabin to claim it. (pause) Or if anyone would like to take a black coat for free.

Orlando, Florida

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Please Direct Any Questions to That Brick Wall Over There

Flight attendant, doing safety instructions before takeoff: Pull on the tab to inflate the life vest. If that doesn't work, blow it up manually. If that doesn't work...thank you for flying Southwest.

Flight over Providence, Rhode Island

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

No Wonder It's Spreading So Fast

Teen #1 coming out of arrival gate to friend: So, when do we start coughing, sneezing and squealing to freak people out?
Teen #2: Dude, people with the swine flu don't squeal!
Teen #1: Then why the hell do they call it that?
Teen #2, jokingly: Because you have to fuck a pig to get it?
Teen #1, seriously: Well, that makes sense!

Logan Airport
Boston, Massachusetts

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...and Rent All the Cool Cars

Little girl: (talking over airport announcement)
Father: Quiet for a second!
Girl: (continues talking until announcement is over)
Father: Great. What if he was saying "Run! Zombies!"? We'll be sitting here like idiots while the zombies come...

O'Hare Airport
Chicago, Illinois

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...Now It's My Turn to Say Something About Cavity Searches

Security: What are you studying?
Girl checking books in X-ray machine: Proper oral technique.
Security: (snickers)
Girl: Dentistry!
Security: Oh.

Airpot
Newcastle
England

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Apparently She Didn't Know That, Either.

Seven-year-old girl with speech impediment: I told everyone in class I was going to the Kentucky Derby.
Mother: Did people know what the Derby was?
Seven-year-old girl: Alicia didn't! She was like "what is the Derby?" but everyone else in the class knew!
Mother: Well, that is because she is from Russia.
Seven-year-old girl: And New Hampshire.
Mother: She's from Russia.
Seven-year-old girl: And New Hampshire?...I told her I was sorry she was adopted.

Southwest Flight above Chicago, Illinois

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

What Passes for Foreplay in Utah

Bored woman on cell: Wow, you have a lot of potatoes.

Airport
Salt Lake City, Utah

Overheard by: ... What?!

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

For Those Who've Lost Theirs, We Offer Replacements for a Small Fee.

Male flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, we have finally arrived at a gate. Please make sure you have all your personal belongings before you disembark: iPods, cell phones, BlackBerrys, small pets, sweaters, sunglasses, and since we just came from Las Vegas, wedding rings. Make sure you get those back on folks.

Oakland Airport, California

Overheard by: kat

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Raise Your Hand If You Want To, After Reading This?

Dutch flight attendant, collecting airsick bags: Vomit? Vomit? Vomit? Vomit? Thank you. Vomit? Vomit, sir?

NWA Flight
Newark Airport, New Jersey

Overheard by: Ladle

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

All Children Left Behind Will Be Used As Slaves

Flight attendant, during speech: There is also an overhead call button, that if you misuse, will eject you from the aircraft.

Flight go Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Hikari

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But, Oddly Enough, Nine Months Later Sean Preston Was Born

Young professional woman: So, my husband and I decided we were ready to have a baby, but when I got pregnant I sort of freaked out and thought I wasn't ready. So I went out with my girlfriends, ate a bunch of sushi, smoked a pack of cigarettes and drank a fifth of tequila. Sure enough, the next day, I got my period. That shit really is bad for the pregnancy.

Flight over Atlanta, Georgia

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Like Babies Do

Writer: That guy is so small he could get a job as a stunt midget.
Illustrator: Is that a real profession? I would have thought they did their own stunts.

Greenville Airport
Texas

Overheard by: Mike

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And Playing with Myself a Little

Pilot, during severely delayed flight: This is your pilot speaking, no word from air traffic control, but I just wanted to let you know...that I'm thinking of all of you.

Runway
Miami International Airport, Florida

Overheard by: Chelsea

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And Be Sure to Return Your Seat Backs to the Awkward Position

Stewardess: Wave hi to my ex-husband and his new wife as they pass by.

Southwest Airlines Flight
Houston to New Orleans

Overheard by: Passenger A 44

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

We'd Hate to Hear Him in Bed

Pilot over intercom after rough landing: Whooaa, Nessie! (makes galloping sound) Easy, girl! (makes baaing sound) Whoops, wrong animal.

Houston, Texas

Overheard by: kayla

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The Kid Used to Yell "Boink Me, Daddy!"

Four-year-old boy: Daddy! I wanna get hammered!
(mom pulls out a toy rubber hammer, sighing)
Dad, to everyone around: Shhhhh, nobody heard that! If you did, little forgetfulness fairies will fly into your mind!

Airport
Phoenix, Arizona

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Rule This Men's Room!

Impatient father to 5-year-old girl in toilet stall: Mary, hurry up, what are you doing in there?
Mary: I was just thinking about how great I am.

Men's Room, Airport
Fort Myers, Florida

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Knitted Her Own Wings

Female flight attendant on cell: She was the ugliest woman I had ever seen in my life! But I swear she was my guardian angel. (sighs)

Seatac airport
Seattle, Washington

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He's Gone So Many Places No Man Has Gone Before

Aging dork #1: I like Star Trek, but not Star Wars because they never pay attention to physics.
Aging dork #2: William Shatner is a pimp.

Peterson Air Force Base
Colorado

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Only Your Dignity, Sweetie

Little boy to mother: Is this where we have to strip?

Security Line
Newark Airport, New Jersey

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You Tell a Story Just Like Your Dad

Girl #1 to girl #2: Did you see the way he grabbed me like that? I was like, "you need to not grab me like that"

International Airport
St. Louis, Missouri

Overheard by: glad he didn't grab ME like that

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Ah, the Irish Imagination

Little boy, as plane starts its descent: Oh my god! What are going to do? We are going to get stuck in the clouds! Please! Somebody help us! Help!

Dublin
Ireland

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And If You Could Pass to the Front Your Wallets and Jewelry, That Would Be Awesome-- Thanks!

Pilot to passengers: Everyone, please make sure your seatbelts are fastened. I'm gonna fly this plane like I stole it.

Flight from Nashville, Tennessee

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

It's Not You, It's Us

Southwest Airlines employee: Mr Jones*, only one minute to be at the gate B5. We looove you, but we have to goooo!

Airport
Fort Lauderdale, Florida

Overheard by: Jake Conner

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And Be Sure to Return Your Babies to the Full Upright Position Before Landing

Airplane pilot: And just for sanitary reasons, please change your babies diapers in the bathroom, not on the pullout table in front of you, because people might stare.

Airport
Tampa, Florida

Overheard by: nicole

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The Economy Hits The Airlines Hard

Captain, over intercom, after lights go out: You are getting veeeery sleeeeeepy... You do not want peaaanuts... You do not want soooodaaa... You just want to sleeeep until we laaaaand.

Southwest Airlines Flight over California

Overheard by: Andrew

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

There Are Only a Flautas Fairy and an Empanada Elf!

Concerned middle aged woman: But there is no such thing as a burrito fairy!

Flight over Maryland

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

When Ancient Warriors Are Born Into Modern Military Families

Mother: And some armies have the sniper and he just picks them all off. Pkk pkk pkk.
Three-year-old with chicken pox (over still talking mother): I'm Spartacus!
Five-year-old without chicken pox: No, I'm Spartacus, you're Spartacus!
Mother, still talking: And then the detonator gets attached and once the fuse goes, it all goes boom!
Three-year-old: I'm Spartacus!
Five-year-old: You're Spartacus!

Flight between London and Liverpool
England

Overheard by: nadine

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Chances Are Good We'll Get to Denver or Somewhere Near It

Stressed flight attendant, after four-hour delay: Folks, we've just been cleared for immediate departure. (passengers cheer) All passengers must be seated, with your seat belts fastened for takeoff. To do so, insert the metal--well, if you can't figure it out for yourself, you're in trouble. If at any point an oxygen mask appears in front of you, you'll want to put that on. In the event of a water landing occurring between St. Louis and Denver, there will be a flotation device under your seat and about three feet of snow in hell. Emergency exits--front, over-wing and rear--wherever it says so. Don't even think about smoking. See the safety information card for the rest. Here we go.

Runway
St. Louis Airport, Missouri

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Tonight's Movie: Merde on the WestJet Express

Flight attendant: So I'm gonna let the lady in the box [the recording] take it away in French, then I'll finish up in English, because we like to save the best for last!
Entire plane: Oooooooooooooh!
Lady at the back (in French): We're still in Quebec, you know!

WestJet Flight
Montreal
Canadia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

We'll Be Departing Just As Soon As These Pills Wear Off

Pilot over loudspeaker (riffing on harmonica): This is your captain speaking, (harmonica riff) Welcome aboard, (harmonica riff) Please fasten your seat belts. (harmonica riff) Or we won't be able to leave beautiful Atlanta, Georgia.
(does long, jazzy harmonica riff. Passengers applaud)
Pilot (in Elvis voice): Thank you very much.

American Airlines Flight
Atlanta, Georgia

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As Demonstrated in The Rise and Rise Of the Roman Empire

Mom with two kids getting on escalator: Tommy, do you know what this is called? This is an escalator.
Tommy: Escalator.
Mom: Do you know what the opposite of "escalate" is?
(Tommy remains silent)
Mom: Elevate!

Airport
Atlanta, Georgia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

That's What the Overhead Lights Are For

Flight attendant (on PA): Chances are they're all middle seats. Find the one with the most attractive people, and take it.

Southwest Flight over California

Overheard by: Armen

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

In the Glow of the Aurora Borealis

Girl: I saw two penises on Saturday.

Outside Airport, Yellowknife
Northwest Territories
Canadia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

This Affair with the Other White Meat Has Gone on Long Enough

Man, pulling out salad on airplane: Now I can get back to what really matters. Chicken.

Flight over Ft. Lauderdale, Florida

Overheard by: Nic

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

She Was a Brilliant Preschool Teacher

Stewardess at gate: If everyone can have their boarding passes out and ready for me then I can make this go a lot quicker...and if you don't ask me any stupid questions that would help too, thank you! (smiles and starts scanning passes)

Flight from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And Stop Slouching. You Know Who You Are

Flight attendant: Please refrain from smoking for the rest of your life.

Flight over Denver, Colorado

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The Passengers Could Have Used a Bit More Oxygen

Suit on cell: I just landed in Maine. I mean San Diego. What am I thinking?

Airport
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: weary traveler

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Roseanne Barr: The Flight Attendant Years

Angry suit: When is this plane going to take off? I have a very important meeting to get to!
Flight attendant: The incoming plane is delayed, sir, there's nothing we can do at the moment.
Angry suit: Well, are you going to make arrangements for me to get on another flight? This is urgent! Do you know who I am?
Flight attendant (over loudspeaker): Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, there is a gentleman at the desk who does not know who he is. If anyone has any information about his identity, please come forward.

Midway Airport
Chicago, Illinois

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

In Every Job That Must Be Done, There Is an Element of Fun

Gay male flight attendant: If you'll be requiring wheelchair assistance when we get to Cleveland, please remain seated. Because, if you stand up, we'll assume you've been healed by the Holy Spirit and no longer need our help.
Passengers: (laughter)
Flight attendant: And please keep your seatbelts fastened until we've reached the gate and come to a complete stop.
(man in front row unbuckles his belt)
Flight attendant: Stop it, cheater!

Southwest Airlines Flight
Cleveland, Ohio

Overheard by: Erica

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

NewsFlash: Cultural References from 1998 Finally Reach Missouri

Flight attendant: Fasten your seatbelt low and tight around your waist, like Britney Spears' pants.

Airplane
St. Louis, Missouri

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

At Least Pretend to Turn It Off

Flight attendant: Please ensure that your mobile phone is switched off for take-off. If you don't know how to turn your phone off, there are plenty of kids on this flight who do.

Adelaide Airport
Australia

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You Always Pee in Your Pants, Grandpa!

Man: You're going to need to empty your bladder.
Little girl (in squeaky high voice): I don't wanna empty my bladder!
Man (unashamedly loud): You'll need to empty your bladder before you get on the plane!
Little girl: Not fair!

St. Paul Airport
Minneapolis

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

An Institution Worth Protecting

Obese middle-aged tourist to husband: I called him and told him we're at passenger pick-up 2. He called and asked where we'd be, and I said passenger pick-up 2, that's where he can find us. It's just easier to find us when he gets here. Passenger pick-up 2. And it's cold. That's why I brought this vest. I brought this vest in case it got cold, and it got cold. I'm going to button it up. Did you hear me? I'm going to button it up. There, it's buttoned. (husband ignores her)

Newark Airport, New Jersey

Overheard by: EthanK

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

In Fact, He's Delicious

Captain on intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, just wanted to let you know the reason this flight was delayed. The plane collided with a bird upon landing. It's no big deal; it just hit a body part. The bird is okay.

Airport
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Ladle (who is skeptical about the well-being of the bird)

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Being a Gentleman Has to Be Its Own Reward

Man: Excuse me, but your skirt is caught on your bag and it's pulling your skirt all the way up.
Young woman (annoyed): Excuse me! Can't you see I'm on the fucking phone?!
Man: Fine then--walk around with your ass hanging out--see if I care.
Young woman (into her phone): Oh my god! Some guy just totally came up and told me that my ass is showing! (walks off with skirt still showing)

Airport
Sydney
Australia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Now Kindly Fasten Your Seat Belts in Case the Doors Fly Off

Stewardess: Sorry for the delay, ladies and gentlemen. The first two planes we tried didn't work, so this is the third one and we made it here okay...so, so far, so good!

Airport Runway
Cabo San Lucas
Mexico

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Asian Gangs Confound All Our Expectations

Girl: I hate violinists!
Boy: What?
Girl: Violinists.
Boy: Oh. I thought you said "gang-bangers."

BART Airport Train
San Francisco, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Relax-- That Just Means It Likes You

(strange loud sound comes from the plane)
Calm but confused flight attendant: That's weird, I've never heard that before.
Freaked out passenger: Um, excuse me? What?!

Flight to Cancun, Mexico

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I'll Be in Smoking in the Bathroom for the Majority of the Flight

Southern stewardess: In case of a water landing occurring in between Tucson and Las Vegas... (pause) If you are traveling with a spouse or ex-wife be sure to put on your own oxygen mask first so that you have an excuse to leave them on their own.
(later)
Southern stewardess: There are six bathrooms on this Boeing 747, feel free to use any of them if you don't like my jokes. (pause) Oh, and if you have any questions don't ask me, I'm new here.

Flight 280
Tucson, Arizona

Overheard by: kat

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Londoners: "Talk to the Hand"

Guy #1: Man, it's all cloudy down there.
Guy #2: Yeah...
Guy #1: You know, that's the problem with America... we have a lot of clouds.

Newark Airport, New Jersey

Overheard by: Romulo Escamilla

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...After Those Pictures Surface of Him in the Cone-Bra

Middle-aged Jewish lady with thick Queens accent flipping through People magazine: So, what do you think about this whole thing with Madonna?
90-year-old man sitting next to her: Who?
Middle-aged Jewish lady: Madonna.
Man: Who?
Middle-aged Jewish lady: Madonna.
Man: Who?
Middle-aged Jewish lady: Madonna!
Man: Oh! The colored guy! Yeah, I don't think he'll win.

Jetblue Flight
Florida to New York

Overheard by: JoeQ

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Am I the Only Goat Nanny in New Orleans?

Elderly woman on cell: Hello? What? How many goats? Give it to Nancy*. Just leave it on her porch. It's just one and I don't want it. (long pause) Put it there and ring the doorbell. I don't care how you do it, I'm on vacation, don't bother me. (hangs up phone)

Louis Armstrong International Airport
New Orleans, Louisiana

Overheard by: T Perk

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Stop Sticking Your Fingers in That Socket

Little girl washing hands: Look, mommy, electric soap!

Women's Restroom
Salt Lake City International Airport, Utah

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But Then You Have to Live with It Haunting Your Dreams

Chick: You have never truly lived until you have been surrounded by drunk Welsh rugby fans singing I Touch Myself.

International Airport
Denver, Colorado

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Unfortunately My Trail Of Breadcrumbs Is Hard to See in the Snow

Pilot over PA, after taxiing to the gate for ten minutes: Let me know if you guys see something that looks like an airport.

Denver International Airport
Denver, Colorado

Overheard by: they're not kidding about being the country's biggest airport

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If Worse Comes to Worse, We've Rented Some Large Ducks

Airline personnel: We should be boarding the plane at 10:25... If we have a plane.

Airport
Richmond, Virginia

Overheard by: Burt

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But Odds Are You Still Aren't Paying Attention

Flight attendant, concluding pre-flight safety spiel: For those of you who paid attention: Thank you. And for those of you who did not: Good luck.

International Airport
Honolulu, Hawaii

Overheard by: Eric Dean

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But If Enough Rain Builds Up, You Can Watch Me Walk on Water

Angry traveler: The flight's canceled because of weather?!? Can't you do something?
Airline counter man: Ma'am, despite my godlike appearance, I cannot control the weather.

O'Hare Airport
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: He's not so Godlike

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You're Just in Time to See the Internet Made Illegible

Soldier: What is that thing?
Passenger #1: An iPhone.
Passenger #2: Man, where the hell have you been?
Soldier: Iraq.

Flight from Minneapolis to Pittsburgh

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Oh, and Death. And Taxes

20-something #1: Yeah, see, that's our problem: These girls are pushing 30 and their biological clocks are going off and all that.
20-something #2: Well, that wasn't my problem before, she was 23 when I started dating her.
20-something #1 (thoughtfully): Yeah... that's our other problem: time.

Airplane between Detroit and Las Vegas

Overheard by: ncs

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I've Always Wanted to Be a Fascist

TSA agent, looking at ID: So Judy*, how are you doing today?
50-something woman: Fine. How are you?
TSA agent: You know, living the dream.

Security Terminal
Airport, Minneapolis

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Ugly Children May Be Retrieved at the Lost and Found

Flight attendant: As we prepare to disembark, please check to make sure you have not abandoned any bags, personal items or children. All abandoned items will be divided up among the flight attendants, except the children, who will be given to the captain.

JetBlue Flight

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It's Not Technically a Violation of the Restraining Order If She Boards the Plane

Pilot: Before we start our ascent, an important question: Anyone here from the North Allegheny high school class of '68? [silence] I always ask. I'm hoping at some point I'll find my old girlfriend.

JetBlue flight
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Ladle

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Did That Come Out Of Me?

Woman in bathroom stall, on cell : ... That's just how it is... No, that's my pee you're hearing... Anyways, what did she say? Wait a second, I have to wipe...

Spokane Airport
Spokane, Washington

Overheard by: wish i had held it...

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Suck His Toes and You'll Be High for Days

Large black woman on cell: Girl! I'm tellin' you, I don't know where I gots them warts on my feets. But they nasty! I don't want to give them to nobody else, so I brought me some lil' socks, you know... Them cushy foots? Not like Earl, who goes barefoot all over the city with them mushroom funguses on his toes. His toenails be like baby powder! They all crumbly and shit.

Detroit Metro Airport
Detroit, Michigan

Overheard by: Trying not to barf (and glad I wore socks)

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Can You Even Use "Oxygen" As a Verb Like That?

Male flight attendant: ... And if you brought more than two children with you today, decide which your favorite is and oxygen that one first.

Southwest Airlines Flight #135

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What's This Irrational Fear of Joan of Arc?

Man on cell: I wouldn't worry about her though, she's dead.

Newark airport
Newark, New Jersey

Overheard by: catherine

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Mango: Nobody Touch Me!

Lady on PA system: United 119 passengers can claim their baggage at carousel D... D as in delicious. Delicious mango. Delicious, delicious mangoes.

Logan International Airport
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: John Y

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Isn't That Cute?

Man, pointing out the window, to his wife: Look, honey, they even have cars!

Shout-out: zipster.wordpress.com

Overheard by: The Zipster

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And Live in a Parental-Notification State

Teen girl #1: Oh my god! Really? Well, even though you're three weeks late, you totally don't have to worry until a month after you guys actually did it. So you've definitely got at least a week left until you need to start worrying.
Teen girl #2: ... Really?
Teen girl #1: Yes, I'm completely sure. You're totally fine. Golden. Except that you're 17 and might be pregnant.

Dallas Airport
Dallas, Texas

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And Stop Masturbating in the Shower -- You're Clogging the Drain.

Pilot to passengers: Welcome to Hawaii! I'm going to tell you all what my mom told me when I turned 18: get your bags and get out.

Direct flight from Seattle, Washington to Oakland, California

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And That One Didn't Measure Up to My Standards

Chick #1: Ewww!
Chick #2: It wasn't me! I take responsibility for all of my actions, including farts.

Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com

Overheard by: martin

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Good Thing "Shut Up, You Cow" Is Easy to Convey with Body Language

Large white lady to small Mexican husband: I'm bleeding. [Pokes hubby, who ignores her.] Heyyy, I'm bleeding from my neck! Don't you care?! [Hubby puts headphones on and looks out window.] I wish I knew you didn't speak English before I married you!

Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com

Overheard by: corwin

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Good Luck Explaining That to Non-Native Speakers

American college guy to friends: My mom told me I was pussy-whipped.

Brussels National Airport
Belgium

Overheard by: aja

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Don't Trust Skinny People with Your Food

Skinny guy #1: I'm thinking our restaurant should have, like, taxidermied animals and tomato plants and stuff.
Skinny guy #2: Way cool!
Skinny guy #1: That way it could be like a museum of natural history full of the things people are eating, living or dead.

Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com

Overheard by: rich

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Why Do You Always Have to Add That?

Guy #1, leaving the bar: I'll see you later.
Guy #2, still nursing his drink: Yeah, if I don't die first.

Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com

Overheard by: molly

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Then What's with the People in Canoes?

Passenger: What lake is that we're flying over?
Flight attendant: That would be a cloud.

Flight from St. George, Utah, to Los Angeles, California

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This Is Mathilda's Follow-Up Question to Everything

Young girl: Where is your husband?
Old woman: Oh, honey, my husband is up in heaven.
Young girl: I'm sorry... Did he get eaten by a crocodile?

Flight to Bermuda

Overheard by: elizabeth

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If I Make It Seem Longer, You'll Feel You Got Your Money's Worth

Flight attendant, before takeoff: My name is Marynell. That's 'Mary' and 'Nell,' not just Mary... But that's probably too much information since this is such a short flight.

United flight 6056
Madison, Wisconsin to Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: archdiva

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And Don't Get Me Started about That "District of Columbia" Nonsense

Child: Why are we landing in Baltimore?
Mom: We switch planes there on the way home to Phoenix.
Child: What state is Baltimore in?
Mom: Um, let me think [picks up airline magazine to look at route map]. 'Baltimore/Washington.' Well, that doesn't make any sense.

Southwest Airlines flight from Buffalo to Baltimore

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Now Everyone Fasten Their Duct Tape -- We're about to Take Off

Pilot: There is no smoking on this aircraft. The penalty for smoking is two thousand dollars. If you had that kind of money, you'd probably be flying United.

Southwest Airlines flight

Overheard by: broke

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It's All in How You Color the States

Passenger #1 looking at map on screen: Oh, look -- we're over Montana right now.
Passenger #2: Montana's in Canada! Cool!

Over Montana, British Airways flight

Overheard by: Confused Flyer

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What Have You Been Doing?

20-something: Alright! Smells like booze on the plane.
Overprotective mom: No, that's just my hand sanitizer.

Flight to Buffalo, New York

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Mommy, Why Is the Plane Rearing Up Like That?

Pilot over loudspeaker, while landing plane: Whoa there, big fella!

Delta Airlines flight

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Wait, No, a Dolphin

Guy to girlfriend: It sounds like we hit a whale.

AirTran plane from New Orleans to New York

Overheard by: Jofo

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Also Why the Germans Lost Two Wars

Young suit: I need to get a new BlackBerry. I dropped my old one in a urinal. Well, I was wearing lederhosen, and they don't have pockets.

San Jose Airport
California

Overheard by: Keren

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Aw, C'mon, People, That's Great Material!

Flight attendant: Should the overhead oxygen masks deploy, please put the mask around your face as I will now demonstrate... [Puts mask on, then breathes heavily] Luuuke, I am your father...

US Airways flight to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

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Let's Just Get a Room This Time, Okay?

Hot chick: I was too tired for a layover in Denver! It's not like you'd let me nap -- we'd just end up fucking in the airport bathroom for five hours. Wait! If Denver's the Mile High City, do you think bathroom sex can count us into the Mile High Club? Oh my god, I am changing my flight -- Cleveland can wait. Cock is so much more important.

Minneapolis-St.Paul International Airport
Minneapolis, Minnesota

Overheard by: Wishing I was the dude in Denver

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For You Cat Lovers, It Was a Dog

Flight attendant over PA after bump during taxi: Don't worry guys, it was just a cat!

Southwest Airlines, BWI airport
Baltimore, Maryland

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God, You're Such a Maudlin Drunk

Dad to howling toddler: Stop it! Suck it up! You don't hear anyone else crying, do you?

United flight descending into O'Hare
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Rose Fox

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Or at Least Pull Up Your Underwear

Airport PA: Will the man with his pants around his ankles please return to Security and retrieve your belt?

Chicago Midway Airport
Chicago, Illinois

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Which They'll Provide in Both the Front and the Tail

Pilot: We'll be flying with our team of flight attendants today, and of course we'll be looking forward to the great service they provide... [Awkward laugh] The great service they provide to you, of course.

American Airlines flight

Overheard by: not that kind of service

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It'll Only Get Rougher from There

Male flight attendant: This will be a miserable flight. It'll be really turbulent and then we'll end up in New Jersey.

Flight into Newark Airport

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I Used to Wear the Wonderbra, but I Kept Needing to Get Abortions

Sorority girl #1: So, like, you still get your period when you're on the pill.
Sorority girl #2: Yeah, but not when you're pregnant.
Sorority girl #1: So what's the point of the pill, then?
Sorority girl #2: It totally makes your boobs bigger.

Airport
Lexington, Kentucky

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Just Keep Watering It, Sweetie

Little girl: Mom, why don't I have a hairy butt like you?

Bathroom, AA flight 329

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Nah, Just Another Psychotic Break

The pilot is sitting in the cockpit making clicking noises and singing in a falsetto voice.

Flight attendant: Are you high?

On the runway
Dulles, Virginia

Overheard by: first class is scary

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