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...Roll Videotape, Please
Professor: Then the electrons are passed around like a hot potato or, you know, a cheerleader.
Radford University, Virginia
Which Fortunately Has My Name on the Label
Professor: I make no sense to myself, I'm surprised I know my own name. Why? Because life sucks. But I have a nice jacket!
Christopher Newport University
Newport News, Virginia
Categories: Clothes | Colleges & Universities | Default | Gossip | Philosophy | Teachers | Virginia | Posted 2008-07-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We Named Them After the Kids on Seventh Heaven
Woman on cell waiting in line for lunch: Oh, to keep you in the loop, we are not getting pregnant any time soon. There is like no sperm. They said there were eight, but they were retarded.
Richmond, Virginia
Categories: Default | On the phone | Pregnancy | Virginia | Women | Posted 2008-07-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's the Last Time I'll Call the Psychic Friends Network
Ghetto girl on cell: I don't care what the fuck they said... They don't know shit 'bout my coochie!
McArthur Center
Norfolk, Virginia
Overheard by: wes
Categories: Black people | Default | Girls | Gripes | On the phone | Vagina | Virginia | Women | Posted 2008-07-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Heaven Entrance Exam Is Teeming With Poetry Questions
Teacher (about poetry assignment): Some of you did a good job and wrote some wonderful things. Some of you just did the assignment. Some of you haven't even turned it in. Those people are going to hell.
TJHSST
Alexandria, Virginia
Our Prediction: Advertising Will Eventually Convince You That You Do
Girl #1 to friend (indicating a cream to get rid of razor burn bumps on the bikini area): Does this stuff work okay?
Girl #2: Yeah, it works, it just smells kinda funny.
Girl #1: I don't care how it smells, it's goin' next to my vagina. I don't need no strawberries.
Target
Winchester, Virginia
Overheard by: Kendra
Do It In My Mouth! I've Got Lucky Charms!
Guy: You know what's actually really good? Cocoa Puffs and bacon!
Chick: (blank stare)
Guy: Once I had them both and I ate one bite of Cocoa Puffs and one bite of bacon and they mixed in my mouth and it was good!
Chick: You make me want to vomit.
Harris Teeter
Bristow, Virginia
What With Mrs. Butterworth Morally Judging Me
Elderly woman: You know... It's so hard to eat pancakes in the nude!
Winchester, Virginia
Overheard by: SB
Instead, I'll Discuss Your Pain With This Complete Stranger
Boyfriend to gas station attendant: She slept with the entire football team in high school.
Girlfriend: Maybe, but I still wouldn't have slept with you.
Boyfriend: Yeah? Really? How's your butt feel? Ha! I haven't even told my friends about that yet!
Richmond, Virginia
The Pope: Perhaps I Haven't Been Clear...
Cool college chick to friends: Ya know, birth control is the thing that makes sex okay.
Mexican Restaurant
Virginia
Overheard by: KMCV
Categories: Abortion | Default | Friends | Restaurants | Sex | Sorority types | Virginia | Posted 2008-06-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Have... a Drinking Problem
Obscenely tall man: I'm sorry. This is really random, but I was just drinking a milkshake. And... I think I spilled some on my head. Can you check it out for me?
University of Mary Washington
Fredericksburg, Virginia
Categories: Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Default | Drinking & drunks | Guys | Offers and requests | Sensory experiences | Virginia | Weirdness | Posted 2008-06-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Spin-Offs of The Neverending Story Were Never As Exciting As the Original
Little kid: I have a powerful thing coming to me. Ya know what it is? Pizza!
University of Virginia
Charlottesville, Virginia
Just the Ones That Don't Fly, Kiddo
Five-year-old to grandma: You're just jealous cuz you don't like monkeys.
Target
Virginia
Overheard by: JH
That's How in Love with His Mom He Is
Guy to friends: No, I mean he's really in love with her, like reeeeally in love. He left his trailer, and moved in with his parents.
Buffalo Wild Wings
Winchester, Virginia
Categories: Default | Friends | Guys | Relationships | Restaurants | Virginia | Weirdness | Posted 2008-06-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Some People Love Jesus More Than Others
Girl: Seriously, she's completely obsessed. Like all of her final drawings were of his penis. Like all of them.
Roanoke, Virginia
Overheard by: Abbie
Like an Open Spirit and Three Hits of Acid
Teacher: What you get from Beatlerama depends on what you bring to it.
Science class
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: mollydear
Categories: Education | Names | Offers and requests | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Science | Teachers | Virginia | Words | Posted 2008-05-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Hardly Worse Than Getting Dick-Poked Before Birth
[husband and wife are pushing stroller through the mall. Suddenly another man rushes up and picks the husband up, twirling him around while everyone cracks up]
Man, looking over at child: Wow, that would be a really awkward first memory!
Spotsylvania Towne Centre
Fredericksburg, Virginia
Overheard by: That Girl In The Kiosk
Categories: Family ties | Feelings | Stores | Virginia | Weirdness | Posted 2008-05-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Especially Not Child-Sized Ones
Girl on cell: Listen, he is not a nice guy. Anyone with handcuffs permanently attached to his bed frame is not a nice guy.
University of Mary Washington
Fredericksburg, Virginia
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Compliments | Girls | On the phone | Sexuality | Toys | Violence | Virginia | Weirdness | Posted 2008-05-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Where Only the Strong Survive Into Adulthood
Jolly literature professor: All of this talk of salacious babysitters and the indiscriminate disposing of corpses makes me feel like I'm back in Jersey again.
University of Mary Washington
Fredericksburg, Virginia
Categories: Class | Compare and contrast | Memory lane | Teachers | US Geography | Violence | Virginia | Posted 2008-05-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Terry McAuliffe: Shhhhhh!
Preppy brunette on cell: So did you hear? Hillary won the primaries yesterday! [Pause.] Wait, you mean there's more than one?
JMU Bookstore
Harrisonburg, Virginia
Overheard by: baffled
Psh, I'd Be Asking for High Fives
Guy #1: John* really needs to get laid. He hasn't hooked up for months.
Guy #2: Dude, didn't you hear what happened to him?
Guy #1: No.
Guy #2: The last girl he brought home shat in his bed. He's been kind of gun-shy since then.
Charlottesville, Virginia
Non-Fucking Whorehouses Are Pretty Much Libraries
Female professor: I may not be the best literary critic of the century, but I know when I'm in a fucking whorehouse.
Combs Hall
Fredericksburg, Virginia
Categories: Bragging | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Education | Etiquette | Pride | Teachers | Virginia | Women | Words | Posted 2008-04-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
As I Have Noticed Your Lack of Training Wheels
Drunk girl in bar to bartender: You should be so lucky as to have sex with me.
Bartender: I wouldn't fuck you for practice.
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: warm ups?
But Apparently That's Not How Job Interviews Work
Girl walking to bus stop drunk: I just wanted to walk in, get groped and leave.
Pheasant Run
Harrisonburg, Virginia
Overheard by: Brandon Call
Or "Freshmen"
Lit professor: Now, when we plant humans and they grow, we call those "zombies".
University of Mary Washington
Fredericksburg, Virginia
At Least Let Me Tie You to the Roof-Rack
Girl stopped at a gas station refueling: Get out of my trunk now! People are going to think that I kidnapped you!
Charlottesville, Virginia
Overheard by: A Concerned Friend
Categories: Conductors | Crimes | Default | Fears | Girls | Offers and requests | Virginia | Posted 2008-04-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
E-U-G-E-N-I-C-S
Loud woman: How do you spell 'taxi'?
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, Virginia
Could've Been Ugly If She Hadn't Been Lactating, Though
Guy at dinner: Yeah, we figured we'd just have a low key night with just a few beers and some margaritas, but then Ann* was like, 'Wow, I haven't had any liquor in two months!' so the next thing you know, we're dropping 60 bucks at the liquor store, then the backyard porch swing's on fire... It was a pretty fun night.
Arlington, Virginia
Categories: Compliments | Default | Drinking & drunks | Guys | Virginia | Weirdness | Posted 2008-03-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Well, That's a Given
HS boy #1: I love cheesecake in my mouth.
HS boy #2: You love dick in your mouth!!
HS boy #1: Well, yeah, if it has cheesecake on it!
Christiansburg, Virginia
That Is All the Government Has Allowed Me to Tell You
Health teacher to class: When you become more adult-like, you start to be more like an adult.
Roanoke, Virginia
So I Never Get to Use Them
Hoochie: I do have good morals, I'm just really drunk all the time.
Washington and Lee University
Lexington, Virginia
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Drinking & drunks | Gripes | Hoochies | Sex | Virginia | Posted 2008-03-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Every Country Has Its Own Rules for Greeting Royalty
Guy on cell at register: I know! I know! So listen -- when you first meet him, go up to him, bow, whip your own chopsticks, and tell him you would like to procreate with him.
Dick's Sporting Goods
Fairfax, Virginia
Overheard by: Cashier who needed the laugh
Aaron's Messy Handwriting Has Resulted in Many Botched Orders
Waiter: ... Chicken nachos all on her butt cheeks!
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: Nic
Categories: Ass | Blue collar | Default | Food | Gripes | Restaurants | Virginia | Posted 2008-03-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Catalog Them by Penis Size and Strange Bodily Features
Redhead: You seriously don't know where Bruce Willis was born?
Brunette: No.
Redhead: I can tell you where half the actors I'm in love with were born.
Brunette: Honey, I can't even tell you where half the men I've slept with were born.
Redhead: That's true.
Brunette: Hell, I'm lucky if I remember their last names.
Fredericksburg, Virginia
We're Hoping She'll Grow Out of That Once She Turns Five
Middle-aged professor, matter-of-factly: My daughter loves Stephen Colbert. She calls him her 'baby daddy.'
Art League School
Alexandria, Virginia
... Hanging between His Knees
Sorostitute #1: Oooh, a Southern boy!
Sorostitute #2: Yeah, it's just something about that Southern genitalia that makes him so sexy. Wait, 'genitalia'? Is that the right word? Well, you know -- that smooth Southern thing.
James Madison University
Harrisonburg, Virginia
Categories: Compliments | Creepsters | Default | US Geography | Virginia | Words | Posted 2008-02-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Turns Out There Is Always Room
Tiny Pakistani girl: I did not hook up with him. I just put Jell-O in him. Big difference.
Fredericksburg, Virginia
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Relationships | Virginia | Posted 2008-02-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Want Those in Watermelon, Too?
16-year-old female lifeguard: Hey, I'm running to 7-Eleven to get a Slurpee... Anyone want anything?
14-year-old male lifeguard: Yeah, can I get some watermelon Bubble Yum and... [lowers voice and looks around suspiciously] ... some condoms?
16-year-old female lifeguard: Um...
Vienna, Virginia
Absolute Powerpoint Corrupts Absolutely
Professor flipping rapidly between Powerpoint slides: Take notes now, suckers!
Williamsburg, Virginia
Overheard by: a fan of this professor
Well You Asked, Mom.
Dude on cell: Well, I'm either gonna go see the hypnotist or masturbate.
James Madison University
Harrisonburg, Virginia
Overheard by: asm
Categories: Gossip | On the phone | Time Management | Virginia | Posted 2008-02-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook