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The Highly-Prized Utah Grunting Salad
Woman: My salad just made a guinea pig noise.
Salt Lake City, Utah
Categories: Animals | Food | Sensory experiences | Utah | Women | Posted 2011-05-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...But Occasionally Grind My Hips. What?
Guy: So yesterday I totally got paid $10 an hour to lay on the floor and do nothing!
Liberal Arts Building, Utah Valley University
Orem, Utah
Utah Produces Only Two Kinds Of Girls
Girl #1: Wait, you said no?! Did you know he's pre-med?
Girl #2: Yeah, but I don't really like him.
Girl #1: So?
Orem, Utah
I'm the NRA and I Vote
Midwestern guy to friend: So, I'm out shootin' in my yard and I saw this pipe stickin' out the ground! So I shoot it. Now, the minute I shoot I know I shouldn't have done that. So the damn pipe explodes!
Flight over Utah
And, More Importantly, What Is Up with the Name "Dallin"?
Drama teacher to students: Okay, I want you all to close your eyes and imagine the most painful thing you can think of. Okay?
(a few moments pass)
Drama teacher: Okay, who wants to share? Dallin, how about you?
Dallin: Umm... Well, I imagined giving birth to a cactus baby.
Girl next to him: What is with you and cactus babies?
High School
Utah
Overheard by: Weskimo
Gays Have to Speak in Code in Utah
Man #1: I hate football.
Man #2: Me too.
Man #1: If my son ever wants to play football, I'll disown him.
Man #2: Me too.
(long pause)
Man #2: My dad loves football.
Man #1: Mine too.
Gold's Gym
Orem, Utah
Overheard by: Weskimo
Categories: Family ties | Gripes | Guys | Utah | Posted 2010-03-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Read Your Bible
Drama teacher to girls playing whores in Les Misérables: Come on ladies, skank it up! There's no shame in being a whore!
High School
Utah
Overheard by: Weskimo
Categories: Pride | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Sexuality | Teachers | Utah | Posted 2010-03-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Squidward Moved to Utah for Religious Reasons
Girl to guy wearing alien-hand gloves: What the hell are those?
Guy: They're my testicles... No! My... My... Test--test... The things that octopuses have!
Girl: Tentacles?
Guy: Yes! Tentacles...
High School
Utah
Overheard by: Weskimo
Stick Something Weird in Your Penis, Then
20-something girl: If I had a penis I wouldn't know what to do with it. Awkward.
20-something guy: If I had a vagina I'd stick all kinds of weird stuff in it all the time!
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: akvinsc
Hard to Imagine I'd Ever Get Sick Of Being Objectified
Gay guy: Then we can talk about boys more openly because I'll have long hair, and be pretty and have boobs!
Girl: They're not that fun...
Gay guy: Boobs aren't that fun?
Girl: No!
Pleasant Grove, Utah
Overheard by: Weskimo
They're So Cute-- I Want One
Junior girl, watching group of new freshman and shaking her head: I swear they keep getting smaller.
Weber State University
Utah
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Education | Students | Utah | Posted 2009-12-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Happily, Her Default Assumption Is Cancun.
Confused lady on PA: Ladies and gentleman, flight 250... Wait, where am I?
Airport
Salt Lake City, Utah
Categories: Airports & flights | Employees | Public Transportation | Questions | Utah | Weirdness | Posted 2009-11-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Did They All Eat at Red Lobster Before They Died?
Father to 20-something daughter: One of these days we are going to have to take you on a trip and show you where everyone in the family is buried.
Daughter, dryly: That would be a lively trip.
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: It would be a trip to die for
Categories: Dads | Death & dying | Family ties | Girls | Utah | Weirdness | Words | Posted 2009-11-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
No! Haven't You Been Listening?
Lady 1: So they're getting married now.
Lady 2: But I thought she had a baby.
Lady 1: Yes, but it's his brother's. See, her sister wanted to be with him so she told him her sister couldn't have normal children. It turns out she's the one who can't have children.
Lady 2: Oh... so they're getting married?
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Confused listener
Categories: Birthing | Family ties | Kids | Questions | Relationships | Stupidity | Utah | Women | Posted 2009-10-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
There Are Muslims in Utah?
Boy: Why do you wear that on your head?
Muslim girl, indifferently: So the aliens don't read my brain.
High School
Utah
Overheard by: I need one of those!
Categories: Body parts | Clothes | Girls | Guys | Questions | Religion | Religious fanatics | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Utah | Weirdness | Posted 2009-09-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When Life Gives You Avocados...
Checker, as customer places avocados on the belt: Are these lemons?
Grocery Store
Centerville, Utah
Overheard by: JC
Who Knew That Would Ever Turn Out to Be a Bad Idea?
Woman #1: Do you want to become a judge?
Woman #2: No way!
Woman #1: Why not?
Woman #2: I have too many naked photos on the internet out there of me!
Coffee Shop
Salt Lake City
Overheard by: Snazzy
Mormon Undergarments, Explained
Emo girl #1: I don't want to smell bad; I just want to look like crap.
Emo girl #2: Yeah...
Hospital
Salt Lake City, Utah
Categories: Girls | Sensory experiences | Utah | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2009-08-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Be Afraid, Dear Reader. Be Very Afraid.
Man with thick accent on cell: The problem is that their religion is their life. They are diabolically opposed. (long pause) Yes. I think it is time for another crusades.
Salt Lake City, Utah
And I Knew We'd Stumbled Into a European Sex Fantasy
Girl to friend: And then he said "do you like diapers with your bangers and mash?"
After Trax
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: I know you're watching
Show a Man a Waxed Pussy and You Could Have Brillo on Your Legs
Bikini gal to friend: Wow! Do you ever shave? Your leg stubble just about took my eye out!
Friend: Please, I just spent $85 dollars on a Brazilian wax...look!
Bikini gal: Okay, Brittany, pull your fucking suit up! I'm just talking about your legs!
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: zelph
One Of These Days, We Should Get a Dog.
Woman on cell: No no no...I haven't been doing much shopping at all. The only thing I've bought is a fur dog collar. It was only $300!
Park City, Utah
And She'd Squirtle in Her Pants
Girl #1: Okay, so my sister was watching Pokemon the other day, and asked me a question about it, and I don't know what to tell her.
Girl #2: Well, what is it?
Girl #1: She was wondering, since there are no animals in the show, like cows or anything, if when they ate meat they were eating Pokemon.
Girl #2: Don't tell her the truth, it'll break her nerdy little heart.
Utah
Categories: Animals | Body parts | Default | Family ties | Feelings | Food | Girls | Questions | TV shows | Utah | Posted 2009-05-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
What Passes for Foreplay in Utah
Bored woman on cell: Wow, you have a lot of potatoes.
Airport
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: ... What?!
Categories: Airports & flights | Compare and contrast | Default | Food | Utah | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2009-05-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
65% Of Me Is!
Brunette: I'm like a total vegetarian. Except I like chicken, and beef. And sometimes I eat bacon with my breakfast.
Blonde: Are you for real?
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Vastly Amused
When Halloween Safety Goes Too Far
Bored school nurse: Valerie, do you remember the name of the little girl who ate the glowstick last week?
Elementary School
Utah
It Has the Jonas Brothers' Faces on It
Little boy: Look! An end-of-the world watch!
Smith's Marketplace
Salt Lake City, Utah
Imagine One Of the Killer Klowns from Outer Space Is Blowing You
Guy: I couldn't get past her face. And then I did, and it was like, ugh.
Utah State University
Overheard by: Jan
Categories: Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Guys | Utah | Words | Posted 2009-03-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
So of Course I'm Bummed That They'll All Burn in a Lake of Hellfire
Mormon girl: When I grow up, I want to celebrate Chanukah! I mean, I just like Jews. I like Jew food, Jew noses, Jew hair styles... Oh my gosh, I love those curly bangs! I just want to pull one and watch it go "sproinnnnng!"
IHOP
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: I'm Jewish, but surprisingly NOT offended...
Categories: Body parts | Default | Feelings | Food | Girls | Hair | Religion | Restaurants | Utah | Posted 2009-01-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Even Got Extra Time on My SATs for It.
Cop, helping hobo into jacket inside store: You are not drunk enough to be acting like this. People are going to think you are just mean.
Hobo: I *am* mean!
Sugarhood Smiths
Sugarhood, Utah
Categories: Advice | Compare and contrast | Cops | Default | Drinking & drunks | Feelings | Guys | Hobos | Stores | Utah | Posted 2009-01-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
So I'm Immune to Your Toxins
Girl to boyfriend: I am the clownfish to your anenome.
Salt Lake City, Utah
Categories: Animals | Compliments | Default | Girls | Relationships | Utah | Posted 2009-01-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
They're Always Handy When You Can't Find a Bottle Opener
Girl: So what do you think about Daniel getting a makeover, Patrick?
Guy: I dig razor-sharp nipples.
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Ben
Religion Does Seem to Be the Opium Of the People
Tourist mom: I'm fascinated by religions. I always read about them. But I've been watching this four-hour documentary on the Mormons and I can't really get into it.
Daughter: Why not?
Tourist mom: Well, every time I watch it I fall asleep.
Temple Square
Salt Lake City, Utah
Remember How I Won That Pie-Eating Contest?
Chick: If I were a lesbian, I'd be really good at it.
Campsite, Southern Utah
Overheard by: Lauren
Categories: Compliments | Default | Gender issues | Girls | Sexuality | Utah | Posted 2008-09-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Writing You a Prescription for the History Channel
Customer: Excuse me. I just have to know, are you Polynesian?
Worker: No, I'm Native American.
Customer: Oh. Where are they from?
Utah
The Peer Pressure Is Overwhelming
20-something suit on cell (angrily): But mom, you don't understand! Everyone I know is already on the folk dancing team!
Brigham Young University
Provo, Utah
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Dancing | Default | Gripes | On the phone | Suits | Utah | Posted 2008-08-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Stop Sticking Your Fingers in That Socket
Little girl washing hands: Look, mommy, electric soap!
Women's Restroom
Salt Lake City International Airport, Utah
Categories: Airports & flights | Health & Hygiene | Kids | Restroom | Technology | Utah | Posted 2008-08-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If I Show Up Late, They'll Devour Me After Intercourse
Man on cell: Hey man! Sorry I couldn't make it, I've got tons of widows waiting on me!
Eccles Tennis center
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Brittni
And Who You Callin' a Dias?
Old man with mullet to brown child in stroller: Buenos dias, niñito.
Woman pushing stroller: We're black. He knows English.
Gallivan Center Trax Station
Salt Lake City, Utah
It's Also a Bathroom of a Sort
Girl: Can you tell me where the bathroom is?
Woman: Yeah, it's at the end of this hallway. Just don't look in the cage there.
Highland, Utah
Overheard by: A tiny bit worried...!
To Stand Out from Your Husband's Other Wives
Mother: That dress is cheap -- cheap like the cigarette cartoons in my mother's freezer.
Daughter: It's prom. You're supposed to look cheap.
Salt Lake City, Utah
The Answer Was Both Better and Worse Than They Anticipated
Coworker #1: I don't even know what on a penis you would even pierce.
Coworker #2: I don't, either. Let me text my brother-in-law and ask him. Maybe I can get him to send us a picture of his.
Eye clinic
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: also interested
I'm Pretty Sure Bill O'Reilly Claims To
Little girl: Mom, why isn't my last name 'Christ'? Why doesn't everyone have the last name 'Christ'?
Hill Air Force Base
Utah
Overheard by: Wasn't his middle name H?
From Back When I Was Still Cool
Student: What does 'STP' stand for?
Teacher: 'Standard temperature and pressure.' Also, 'Stone Temple Pilots.'
Chemistry class
Provo, Utah
They Were Praying.
Bimbette #1: Why would anyone even be outside that late? What the hell were they doing?
Bimbette #2: Uh, Erica, we were outside, too.
Bimbette #1: Well, we had an excuse! We were streaking!
Park City, Utah
Whatever Would Assure You I'm Not a Stalker
Girl on date: That's what I don't understand about dating -- if I really like someone, I'm not going to wait to call them. Like, I would totally call you tomorrow.
Boy on date: [Silence.]
Girl on date: Or, you know, whenever...
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Andrea P.
Categories: Chicks | Philosophy | Utah | Posted 2007-12-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We Have Our Orgies through Holes in a Sheet
Mormon girl #1: I totally can't believe we just did that. I love it.
Mormon girl #2: We're so scandalous.
Mormon girl #1: Well... We're scandalous in an appropriate way.
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: jules
The Latter-Day Shit Just Doesn't Cut It
Mormon guy: Some of my fondest childhood memories are of my dad beating the shit out of people.
Salt Lake City Airport
Utah
Overheard by: PartyByNight
Categories: Guys | Memory lane | Utah | Posted 2007-11-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
All You Gaywads Must Be Jealous
Hoochie, about guy she met on a band trip: He was gorgeous, with a dick as big as my arm! [Notices band class is listening] Oh, my bad.
High school
Utah
He Kinda Dropped the Ball with That Asteroid Thing, Though
Man: Man, I'd like to have been around when Jesus put all them dinosaurs here. I figure that woulda been pretty cool.
Friend: Yeah, that woulda been cool.
Canyonlands National Park
Moab, Utah
Overheard by: Iain
I Seem to Be Retaining Coors
Guy: Dude, that is your belly.
Shout-out: nimbleit.21publish.com
Categories: Body parts | Frat boy types | Jocks | North America | Overheard in Utah | Stomach | USA | Utah | Posted 2007-06-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Did a Little Patting, and Only on the Topside
Man on cell: They said I sexually molested the cat... I would never do that! I love that cat!
Utah
Categories: Animals | Gossip | On the phone | Utah | Posted 2007-05-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Haha, Sucker
Mom: You better put that jacket on.
Little boy: No!
Mom: You better put that jacket on or you are going to get sick and then when Santa comes you will get him sick and then there will be no Christmas because you got him too sick to work and all the little boys and girls in the world will hate you. [Little boy puts jacket on.]
Utah
Overheard by: Bryn
Categories: Moms | Santa Claus | Threats | Utah | Posted 2007-04-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
