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Vertical Bars Are So Slimming
20-something goth/thug girl: Remember the time I went to jail? I didn't want to leave!
Denny's
San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: I didn't want to be at dennys
Categories: Crimes | Default | Girls | Goths | Memory lane | Restaurants | Texas | Thugs | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2008-06-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Like Putting Mayo on French Fries
Jock on cell: I bet he's a lame fuck. He wouldn't do any of that weird stuff you like.
Barton Springs Pool
Austin, Texas
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Insults | Jocks | Kink | On the phone | Texas | Posted 2008-06-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Hot!
Guy #1: So he lit the shot on fire and when he went to take it, part of it got on his face and instead of swallowing, he spat it everywhere and it all caught on fire.
Guy #2: Yeah, I bet he got laid that night, though.
Girl: Where, in the burn unit?
Houston, Texas
Categories: Default | Drinking & drunks | Girls | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Questions | Sexuality | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2008-06-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Gay People. Is There Any Social Problem They Can't Fix?
Guy: So it's her mom, her mom's boyfriend, and her dad?
Girl: Yeah. It would be so awkward if her dad wasn't gay.
Corpus Christi, Texas
Overheard by: it already is.
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Family ties | Feelings | Girls | Guys | Questions | Relationships | Sexuality | Texas | Posted 2008-06-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Enough with the Empire-Waists Already, People
Chick: Do I look pregnant in this dress?
Boyfriend: Nah, I told you. It just looks like something a pregnant person would wear.
Lakeline Mall
Austin, Texas
Oh, I'm Sorry--Aren't You a Size Queen?
Tall guy: My girlfriend's ex-boyfriend had an eight inch penis.
Younger friend girl: What!? Why would she tell you that?!
Tall guy: I guess she just thought I should know.
Younger friend girl: No, here's a better question. Why would you tell me that!?
Chick-fil-A
Houston, Texas
Categories: Default | Friends | Girls | Guys | Penis | Questions | Relationships | Restaurants | Sexuality | Texas | Posted 2008-06-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Most of Life's Problems Can Be Solved with a Pair of Tweezers and a Bottle of Wine
Emo guy to friends: He loves me. He wants my children. He says to me: "Andrew, let me have sex with you so I can have your children." I would do it if I didn't have hairy nipples.
Library
Plano, Texas
Everything She Knows About Homosexuality She Learned from Bravo TV
Bimbette: What's wrong with gay people? Gay people are funny.
Religion Class
El Paso, Texas
Categories: Bimbettes | Compliments | Default | Feelings | Questions | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Sexuality | Texas | Posted 2008-06-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Unless There's Something I Don't Know About DVD Players
Guy on cell: Just because you own one doesn't make you Mormon!
Barnes & Noble
Southlake, Texas
Overheard by: Autumn
Categories: Christianity | Compare and contrast | Guys | On the phone | Stores | Texas | Posted 2008-05-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
A Family Tradition I've Been Staunch about Continuing
Drunk woman: ... And that's how my parents hooked up! My dad was a drunk dialer!
Outside George's
Waco, Texas
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Family ties | Memory lane | Relationships | Restaurants | Texas | Women | Posted 2008-05-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Out of What?
Five-year-old boy: How old are you?
Tutor: Twenty.
Five-year-old boy: Yeah, well, do you know how to make a monkey?
Dallas, Texas
I Know It's True --I Heard It from a Christian Rapper
Teacher: So when you have sex with someone who isn't a virgin, your spirit is having sex with the spirits of everyone that person had sex with.
Religion Classroom
El Paso, Texas
Dear Martha Stewart...
Frustrated waitress: There's not enough Scotchguard in the world to help those sex cushions!
Rudyard's
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Hales
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Cleanliness | Gripes | Health & Hygiene | Servers | Sexuality | Texas | Women | Posted 2008-05-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Texas Finally Catches Up to the Rest of the Country
Teacher: In a representative democracy, if you don't like who's in office, what can you do?
Student: Impeach him!
Teacher: Well, that's too drastic, what else?
Same student: Assassination?
9th Grade World Geography Class
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: amused teacher's aide
They Wear Silly Clothing and Nothing Much Happens?
Professor, in regards to nationalism in film: Now what makes a film "British"?
Valedictorian: They all speak British?
University of Texas
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Adam
Oh Honey, a Sorority Girl Doesn't Need a Personality
Sorority girl #1: I should, like, just wear mini skirts all the time.
Sorority girl #2: Why?
Sorority girl #1: I have great legs, they're my best asset. [quiet pause] But I don't like my personality.
Dressing Room at Buffalo Exchange
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Yes! She just redeemed herself
Categories: Beauty | Body parts | Clothing | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Feelings | Friends | Girls | Sorority types | Texas | Posted 2008-05-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Then What's Sap?
Girl: Mister, what's that?
Teacher: That is an air purifier.
Girl: A what?
Teacher: An air purifier.
Girl: That's crazy, what yo need an air purifier for?
Teacher: To get the pollen out of the air.
Girl: What's pollen?
Teacher: Well, when trees have sex, they release pollen into the air.
Girl: You mean I am breathing in tree jizz!? [Shudders in repulsion at the thought.]
[Whole class laughs.]
High School
Austin, Texas
Except for This Headline
Serious girl: Nothing important has ever been typed with the thumbs.
UNT Campus
Denton, Texas
Overheard by: Having a Cigarette Break
Categories: Body parts | Books | Colleges & Universities | Dorks, Geeks & Nerds | Girls | Students | Texas | Words | Posted 2008-04-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Must Be a Factory Nearby
Woman, after bring run by kid: Oh, a human male child just ran by me.
Arlington, Texas
Overheard by: Random Dude
Meet the Most Forgetful Woman in Dallas
Woman: I found the nipple! Crisis averted.
N. Bishop Avenue
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Faith
Categories: Health & Hygiene | Nipples | Texas | Threats | Women | Posted 2008-04-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Have the Hairbrushes, Right?
Girl, wearing leather pants and high heels, pushing a cart containing D batteries, duct tape, and huge bag of rice, on cell: I don't know why he's so smug, I told him what I would do to him if I caught him again. [pause] Okay, well I've almost got everything I need, I'll be right over.
Wal-Mart
Lufkin, Texas
Overheard by: wtf?
Categories: Bimbettes | Girls | On the phone | Relationships | Shopping | Stores | Texas | Threats | Posted 2008-04-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Does Your Violin Bow Double As a Crowbar?
Asian boy trying to open locked door: Man, how am I supposed to open this with my super Asian powers?!
Townview Magnet Center
Dallas, Texas
And Live in a Parental-Notification State
Teen girl #1: Oh my god! Really? Well, even though you're three weeks late, you totally don't have to worry until a month after you guys actually did it. So you've definitely got at least a week left until you need to start worrying.
Teen girl #2: ... Really?
Teen girl #1: Yes, I'm completely sure. You're totally fine. Golden. Except that you're 17 and might be pregnant.
Dallas Airport
Dallas, Texas
Just Part of What It Means to Be an American
Dude: Is it strange that every time I hear opera, it makes me think of Looney Tunes?
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Rosie
Does That Ever Work on Black People?
Leathery hobo to passing students: One of you white-ass, livin'-inside motherfuckers owes me a dollar!
Austin, Texas
Just the Decorative Scarring, Then?
Hoochie: I would never get my clit pierced there.
O'Bannon's Bar
College Station, Texas
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Default | Hoochies | Texas | Vagina | Posted 2008-03-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Humping Cats Just Scream Curb Appeal
Guy riding in car with real estate agent: I think we're looking for something-- Dude those cats were humping!
Agent, to driver: Go back, go back!
Bedford, Texas
Overheard by: Tswerve
No, Funny Like When I Gave Them to Your Boyfriend and He Gave Them to You
Girl on cell: ... Funny like when you got crabs?
Frisco, Texas
Overheard by: Abs
That's What Bothers You about Living in Texas?
Astronomy teacher, about weather inhibiting lunar eclipse viewing: Well, NASA's here, so Houston's still cool.
Student #1: Yeah, but not cool enough to have an H&M...
Student #2: Yeah, I know!
Student #1: This really bothers me...
High school
Houston, Texas
Dude, We Sell That Here
Cop: Have you ever seen a burn victim autopsy?
Security guard chick: No.
Cop: Well, they cut into the guy, and it smelled like cooked meat. It actually made me hungry.
Wal-Mart
Richmond, Texas
Overheard by: Occam's Lady Schick
Categories: Blue collar | Cops | Death & dying | Default | Food | Questions | Texas | Posted 2008-03-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Old School!
Girl #1: So, did you MapQuest it?
Girl #2: No, we gas-stationed it!
Tyler, Texas
Overheard by: emi
It's Hard to Tell Who's Retarded and Who's Just Texan
Chick #1: Sarah took her retarded sister-in-law to the game last night. They ended up getting drunk and going to a strip club. She really is retarded.
Chick #2: Like, literally retarded?
Chick #1: Yeah.
Chick #2: Well, that sounds like an interesting night...
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Wish I could've been there
Now, Who Wants More Monkey on a Stick?
Vegetarian girl: I think you guys should stop eating meat.
Friend: I don't eat meat that much, but every now and then I gotta have a steak.
Vegetarian girl: Ewww, gross!
Friend: I mean, they're not a necessity or anything, but if I had to choose between eating a steak and saving a puppy, I'd eat the steak.
San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: poor dog
Now If Only Someone Would Pick Up My Screenplay for Baroque Back Mountain
Queer: They're putting out a film about Mary, Queen of Scots. This is, like, the best year ever. I just saw a documentary about the Tudors. I am so excited.
University Co-Op Outlet
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Merey
Her "Extra Help Sessions" Are Well-Attended
LSAT instructor: So, these female sage grouse do a visual inspection to make sure the males don't have an infection before mating. If I had the same attention to detail, maybe I wouldn't have gotten chlamydia three times.
Ft. Worth, Texas
Overheard by: Not So Hot For Teacher
Or Only Sleep with Men You Love
Girl #1: I just don't think I'll ever have sex without a condom.
Girl #2: Oh, please -- that's like saying you're going to wait until marriage.
Mia's Mexican Restaurant
Dallas, Texas
Categories: Chicks | Philosophy | Sex | Texas | Posted 2008-02-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ever Wonder What Texas Sex Ed Classes Actually Teach about Homosexuality?
20-ish redhead: My life would have been so different if I had two gay dads.
20-ish brunette: They would have dressed you in ball gowns every day.
20-ish redhead: Can you imagine the Barbies I would have had?
20-ish brunette: Wow. You would have had all the Barbies.
20-ish redhead: Barbie would have come to my birthday parties.
20-ish brunette: Yes, but she would have been a man.
Houston, Texas
Categories: Chicks | Family ties | Gender issues | Texas | Posted 2008-02-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'd Rather Chafe Your Chimichanga
Tired-looking girl to security officer: Are you the guy who's going to burn my taco?
Dallas-Fort Worth Airport
Texas
They Were a Lot Cheaper after the Storks Unionized
Mom: Where do you think babies come from?
Two-year-old girl, matter-of-factly: Mexicans.
McDonald's
Texas
Overheard by: GoHomeToYourBabies
The Adult Version of "Got Your Nose"
Hot guy to hot girlfriend: I really liked it when you humped my face today... I think my nose even disappeared for a few seconds.
Whataburger
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: C.D.