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Do I Need to Draw Those Diagrams for You Again?
Preppy cutie, about steroided-up jock: Oh my god! He just winked at me!
Sarcastic friend: You sure it's not a twitch?
Preppie cutie: Your mom has a twitch! That's how she had you!
(friends stare)
Friend: What?!
El Paso, Texas
Overheard by:
If Only There Were Some Way to Prevent That...
Woman: We are having more kids, dammit!
Fort Worth, Texas
The Postal Service Has Really Stepped Up Its Game
Man to woman at post office: Oh, I must be hallucinating.
Post office lady: Congratulations, that's lovely.
Austin, Texas
Categories: Compliments | Employees | Feelings | Guys | Sensory experiences | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2011-07-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Unlike Most Of the San Antonio Spurs
Girl: And I was all "his mom is a slut" I mean, she sleeps with everyone.
Boy: Don't talk about my mom that way.
Girl: Why not? I mean, she's my mom, too.
Boy: No, she's not.
Girl: Well, you never know! You weren't there!
San Antonio, Texas
That's Your Answer to Everything
Man #1, after hurricane: I'm trying to decide if I should hook up my freezer to the generator or wait a while longer.
Man #2: Well, squeeze your meat, and see if it's hard.
Houston, Texas
It Gave Me Relationship Advice
40-something driver to friend: So I saw some interesting roadkill the other day...
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Another chupacabra?
Categories: Death & dying | Friends | Sensory experiences | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2011-05-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
No Worries-- He Was Just Cutting My Brake Lines.
Frazzled principal addressing group of volunteers in library: Sorry I'm a little late everybody, I had to pull a kid out from underneath my car.
Weslaco, Texas
Or Limit Themselves to Christian Side Hugs, Like We Do
Guy: Well, the Republican party is doing that right now.
Easily offended girl: I don't generalize!
Guy: Well then, what about homosexuality?
Easily offended girl: Oh, they should all burn in hell!
West Texas A&M University
When Fat Monsters Have Lunch
Suit #1: I honestly think one of our world's biggest problems right now is corn tortillas falling apart.
Suit #2: You're so right. I can't believe I never thought about this before.
Starbucks
San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: Katlin Sehres
Categories: Food | Philosophy | Stupidity | Texas | Posted 2011-01-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
To Be Fair, This Is a Common Theme.
Blonde wife: You do realize that our son is going to tell his schoolmates that Jesus is either a zombie or a vampire. Then we are going to have to explain to his teacher that we are Jewish.
Asian husband: And that you are just bad at explaining things?
Houston, Texas
Calls Himself a "Demosexual"
Woman #1: The Democrats were bound to lose the House majority, though... Oh, did you hear about David?
Woman #2: What about him?
Woman #1: Well, he recently came out.
Woman #2: Oh my god! As a Democrat?
University of North Texas
...But How Does That Bible Verse Go Again?
Girl: It wasn't "fuck you," specifically...
Texas Christian University
Fort Worth, Texas
Stupid Christian University
Girl, in random outburst: I am never going to sleep with you!
Texas Christian University
Fort Worth, Texas
The Miracle Of the Loaves and the Bitches
Volleyball player, preaching to teammates like a church minister: And she said she haaaaad no hoes... So I gaaaaave her... Some of mine.
Volleyball Tournament
Texas
Overheard by: LuLu
The Bitch Stole My Louis Vuitton Luggage and Skipped Town
Flamboyant gay dude: I'm trying to get in touch with my inner prostitute.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: not buying
Categories: Feelings | Gays | Gender issues | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2010-12-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Too Tired to Hold My Sphincters Shut
Girl: We need to go steal more diapers from Target.
Texas Christian University
Fort Worth, Texas
Guys See Life Itself As a Huge Taco Party
Guy: What are you all doing?
Teen girl #1, waving taco: We're having a taco party.
Teen girl #2: Taco party!
Guy: Awesome! Keep on keeping on!
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: I want a Taco Party
Good Thing You Issued That Disclaimer, Bob
Middle aged shop owner, as female vocalist sings pop song on the radio: I ain't no queer or nothing, but the first time I heard this song, I thought it was pretty as hell.
Waco, Texas
Categories: Bosses | Compare and contrast | Gender issues | Music | Texas | Posted 2010-09-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why I Refuse to Visit Texas: Explained.
Drunk girl: We were around the bonfire eating flamin' hot Cheetos, and then his brother ran around with the gas can, naked.
Trailer Park
Central Texas
Overheard by: HaleyJ
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Family ties | Food | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2010-09-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Vlad Has Always Had a Dark Sense Of Humor.
White Russian guy with slight accent: Something tells me my first born won't be white. That something is my penis.
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: The Sauce
Then You Wonder Why He Becomes an Interior Decorator
Mom: No! We do not throw balls at people! Do not ever let me catch you throwing a ball!
Toy Store
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: huh?
The "Everything" Bagel Really Does Have Everything
Girl to sister: The cheese is so good! It tastes like chicken!
Parenra
Houston, Texas
Categories: Compare and contrast | Food | Girls | Sensory experiences | Siblings | Texas | Posted 2010-08-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Chickenman?
Loud man on cell on bus: You know, I don't really care for turkey. Have it at Thanksgiving and sometimes Christmas, and I am sick of that shit. Now me, I like chicken. That's my thing. I'm a chicken man.
Austin, Texas
Categories: Birds | Compare and contrast | Food | Guys | On the phone | Texas | Posted 2010-07-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Every Show on TLC, in a Nutshell.
Boy #1: Nobody wants to see that.
Boy #2: Yeah, that's nasty. Nobody wants to see that.
Boy #3: I want to see that.
Boy #2, after long pause: Yeah, me too.
Boy #1: Yeah, that would be pretty awesome to see.
High School
Texas
Categories: Kids | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Texas | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2010-07-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Landscaping
Attractive girl: Lesbians aren't there for your entertainment.
Young guy: Well, gays aren't there to be your shopping assistants, yet somehow you seem to have pulled that off. I figure we can do the same thing, except instead of shopping, it's sex.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: veryinterestedin this plan
The Graduate, in a Nutshell
Guy: My parents seem fake. My parents' friends seem really really fake.
Texas Christian University
Fort Worth, Texas
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Guys | Lies | Parenting | Texas | Posted 2010-06-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But Would We Call It a "Barf Book" or a "Ralph Rag"?
Party girl #1: I totally puked at that party last night. I'm going to make a scrapbook of all the parties I have puked at.
Party girl #2: That would be awesome! You definitely have enough for a scrapbook or two!
IHOP
Dallas, Texas
Categories: Girls | Health & Hygiene | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2010-05-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Now If Only I Could Marry Louis Vuitton
Really skinny sorority girl: I paid my rent and then I spent the rest, $700, on this new Louis Vuitton (squeals and hugs the purse). But now I have 30 bucks to last a whole month. Looks like I'll be dating for dinner or eating crackers.
Sorority friend: You spent twice as much on your bag as you did your rent! At least you paid your rent on time! Don't worry, you'll find dates. That purse is totally worth it!
Really skinny sorority girl: I know, right, I should just live in my purse. I think that is why married women get fat: they can finally afford to eat. You know my ass is getting fat when I get married.
IHOP
Dallas, Texas
Categories: Ass | Diet & weight | Fashion | Food | Friends | Money | Relationships | Shopping | Skinny people | Sorority types | Texas | Posted 2010-05-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Isn't Saying "We're Texas Lutherans" Sufficient?
Professor: Everyone who thinks it's this answer jump up and say, "I'm brilliant!"
(nobody moves)
Professor: Everyone who thinks it's this answer jump up and say, "I'm not so brilliant, yet."
(nobody moves)
Professor: Everyone else jump up and say, "I'm inhibited!"
Organic Chemistry Class
Texas Lutheran University
Overheard by: Kimberly
Categories: Class | Offers and requests | Teachers | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Know I'm Flakey, But I Was Just Itching to Shop.
Foreign chick on cell: I'm at the gonorrhea. (pause) No, I'm at the gonorrhea. Yah... In yewstun. I'm at deelurds in the gonorrhea.
Dillards, The Galleria
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: OMG She had VD
Categories: Foreigners | Language barrier | On the phone | STDs | Stores | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2010-03-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And, in That Moment, I Fell a Little Bit More in Love with Him
Big black lady on cell, while eating: No, girl, you don't even know! He actually said, "do you have a beer in your pocket? Cuz I'd really like to get in yo' pants!"
Irving, Texas
Overheard by: cherryindallas
Categories: Black people | Etiquette | Fat people | On the phone | Questions | Sex | Texas | Posted 2010-03-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Sounds Almost As Cool As Our Job.
Woman on cell: I'm coming to LA to make 100 Egyptian army uniforms, then I'm going back.
International Airport
El Paso, Texas
Overheard by: V
Categories: Airports & flights | Clothes | Jobs & Careers | On the phone | Texas | US Geography | Women | Posted 2010-03-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Unless I'm Just Having a Really Awesome Stroke
Girl to male cat: You're so cute! You smell like bacon... but that's okay.
Lewisville, Texas
Categories: Animals | Compare and contrast | Food | Girls | Sensory experiences | Texas | Posted 2010-03-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or Did She Just Leave DNA in Her Victims' Fingernails?
Girl #1: I mean, her nickname in high school was "the scraper."
Girl #2: Is that a bad abortion joke?
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Confused
So "Lehman" Is Out?
Big-haired mother to friends: I like what Sarah Palin did with her kids' names. I mean, I want to give my kids names that are cool, but nothing that would, you know, prevent them from being business majors.
San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: An East Coast Elitist
Categories: Compare and contrast | Moms | Politics | Stupidity | Texas | Posted 2010-03-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Most Girls Welcome the Tranny Seal Of Approval
Strange transvestite: Ohmigod, you are sooo pretty.
Girl: Umm... Thanks?
Transvestite's friend: Oh, yes she is.
(they walk away)
Girl: I'm never wearing this shirt again.
Houston, Texas
Categories: Beauty | Clothes | Compliments | Girls | Texas | Posted 2010-02-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Probably an Aversion to Refried Telecommunications
Mexican girl: Do Mexicans even know how to use star 69? Because I asked one once, and she didn't.
Corpus Christi, Texas
Overheard by: overheardincc
Categories: Compare and contrast | Mexicans | Questions | Technology | Texas | Posted 2010-02-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Should We Really Drink to That?
Girl to friend: I'm not an alcoholic.
Friend: I'm not an alcoholic, either.
Girl: Cheers to us not being alcoholics!
Austin, Texas
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Girls | Pride | Texas | Posted 2010-02-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Here, You Drive.
Seven-year-old boy to playmate: Oh, well, I can't. I've had five beers already.
Dallas, Texas
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Kids | Kids | Texas | Posted 2010-02-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And My Dad Says I Don't Pursue My Goals!
30-something white guy on cell: It may be an all-time low, but I can successfully whack it to Telemundo.
Frisco, Texas
Categories: Compare and contrast | Guys | On the phone | TV shows | Texas | Whiteys | Posted 2010-01-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Know All Too Well About Her Penchant for Doggy Style
Dude #1: So then I was like, "take that back, you bitch!"
Dude #2: Whoa man, then what happened?
Dude #1: She bent over, and then it hit her that I wasn't trying to bone her doggy style. I dumped her two minutes later.
Dude #2: Haha, yeah! That's my sister for you!
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Stephanie C.
Dream Big, Kids.
Girl: I want a squirrel.
Friend: I want a cheeseburger.
UT
Austin, Texas
At Some Point, Sex Starts to Feel Like Surgery
Slutty girl in college dorm: Yeah, I know four or five guys who wear Magnums... Bitches are huge!
Lubbock, Texas
Overheard by: Maximagnum
Categories: Compare and contrast | Condoms | Penis | Sorority types | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2009-12-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Real Story Behind "The Rachel"
Party guy: Hey, you cut your hair.
Party girl: I had to.
Party guy: Why?
Party girl: Well, you threw up on it!
Party guy: Who cares if I threw up on it?
Party girl: I do!
Party guy: Oh. (walks off)
Austin, Texas
Categories: Cleanliness | Girls | Guys | Hair | Health & Hygiene | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2009-11-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Now I'm Not Saying You're Killing Them, Mr. Luciano...
Man in black suit on cell: Why don't you get a statement from one of the other witnesses... if they are still alive.
Courthouse
Austin, Texas
Categories: Crimes | Death & dying | On the phone | Suits | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2009-11-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Guess Everything Really Is Bigger in Texas
New Yorker, trying to get through a crowd of people blocking aisle: Excuse me. Excuse me! Excuse me!
Confused little boy: I already moved.
New Yorker: Oh, I know you have, dear. I was talking to your fat-ass mother.
Grocery Store
Austin, Texas
Categories: Ass | Assholes | Diet & weight | Family ties | Insults | Kids | Kids | Moms | Stores | Texas | Posted 2009-11-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
They Have a Ring on Them for Every Guy I've Slept with
Girl to man: You think I'm a virgin? Take a look at these titties and then tell me I'm a virgin!
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Maggie
We All Love the No-Hands Rule, Sir
Soccer coach: I love Fiji water.
Assistant: It's silky smooth.
Soccer coach: It's never been touched by human hands until it touches my lips.
Texas
...Whatever Your Name Is.
Very pregnant woman: I don't want to have this baby. I don't want to have to work all of this weight off.
Man: I think I should keep you pregnant. This is the least worst you've ever looked.
Hasting's
Wichita Falls, Texas
Overheard by: mikeface
Categories: Beauty | Birthing | Compare and contrast | Diet & weight | Guys | Preggers | Texas | Wishes | Posted 2009-11-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Best. Wedding Vows. Ever.
Guy: It's great because it's like we're bros, and we hang out, but I also get to look at your tits.
Girl: Yeah! (high five)
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Ben
Categories: Compare and contrast | Girls | Guys | Rack | Relationships | Texas | Posted 2009-10-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...So You Can Steal Their Social Security Checks.
Hispanic cleaning lady, about being a nurse in Mexico: It's not like over there, like say, if you accidentally kill an old person, you have to buy another one.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: high school aide
Tara Reid Has Done So Much for Humanity
Girl: She wasn't flashing us! Her boob was hanging out. He was in shock. I think it was the first time he ever saw a boob in real life.
Texas Christian University
Fort Worth, Texas
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Girls | Rack | Sensory experiences | Stupidity | Texas | Posted 2009-10-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Clay Aiken?
Student: I have that song "Ring My Bell" in my head.
Advisor #1: The one by Diana Ross.
Student: I think so.
Advisor #2, from adjacent cube: It's not Diana Ross.
Advisor #1: Well, who is it?
Advisor #2: I don't know, but not Diana Ross.
Student: And that song "In the Navy."
Advisor #2: That's not Diana Ross either. Just as gay, but not Diana Ross.
El Paso, Texas
Overheard by: Disco Dan
It's Vital to Be Clear About Which Classes You're Cutting
Biology professor, a month into school: You have an exam next Monday... I mean Tuesday. Next Tuesday. (chuckle) You don't have this class on Mondays.
Really blonde girl in the back: Wait! We don't?!
Blinn College
Brenham, Texas
Overheard by: Face Palm
We'll Now Begin the "Sensual Massage" Portion Of Our Flight
Flight attendant, over loudspeaker: We will now be dimming the lights for the remainder of the flight.
(Lights dim)
Flight attendant, in deep, sexy voice: Are you in the mood to fly now? I thought so...
Southwest Airlines Flight
Austin, Texas
Categories: Airports & flights | Flight attendants | Public Transportation | Questions | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2009-09-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why Undocumented Immigrant Surrogates Exist
Sloppily-dressed teen girl to another: Do you know how many new outfits I would have to buy to carry a baby around for nine months?
Sam Houston State University
Huntsville, Texas
And I Was in the Boy Scouts.
Mover and shaker: I went to a military academy, I know about anal sex. I went to a military academy.
Austin, Texas
They Should Put a Camera in There, Like at Spash Mountain
Girl #1: Walking is the most natural form of transportation.
Girl #2: Or the birth canal. It's like America's water slide.
Friendswood, Texas
Categories: Compare and contrast | Girls | Pregnancy | Texas | Vagina | Posted 2009-09-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ladies, Please Watch Your Actions.
Female track jock, to friend: So I had this fucking hair up my fucking ass.
Private school football coach, overhearing: Ladies, please watch you language.
Female track jock: I had a hair up my butt.
El Paso, Texas
You're Just Supposed to Be Having Sex Shamefully in Cars and Stairwells
Boy: Yo soy sexy.
Teacher, hyperventilating: You can't say you're sexy! You're only fifteen years old!
Spanish Class
El Paso, Texas
Categories: Age and ageing | Beauty | Bragging | Education | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Sexuality | Students | Teachers | Texas | Posted 2009-09-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Bring the Earl Grey, I'll Bring the Bitches
Hispanic guy to large white guy: Maybe we can catch the rest of What Not to Wear, man!
Austin, Texas
How You Know It's Time to Call Jenny
Mother to three-year-old son: Can I call you "my dear"?
Three-year-old son: Can I call you "my moose"?
Austin, Texas
Categories: Animals | Moms | Names | Offers and requests | Should have used a condom | Texas | Posted 2009-09-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Another Casualty Of the "Math Is Hard" Barbie
Girl to friend: I was like "whatever, bitch! You're not even a real registered nurse. Like you'll be working full time in a doctor's office making $20 an hour, and I'll be a real nurse making $20,000 a year."
Texas State University
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Friends | Girls | Jobs & Careers | Money | Science | Texas | Posted 2009-09-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Your Editors' Verdict: Shower Yes, Loofah No
20-something chick on cell: Hello? Seriously? It smelled like your balls last time you used it! (pause) Okay, I guess, make sure you rinse out that motherfucker! You too, bye.
Friend: What was that about?
20-something chick: My boyfriend wants to use my shower, and my loofah.
Friend: Oh.
San Antonio, Texas
Categories: Balls | Bathing | Chicks | Cleanliness | Compare and contrast | Friends | Insults | On the phone | Questions | Sensory experiences | Texas | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2009-09-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Also, I Keep Tripping Over It.
Man to himself: I will never be able to satisfy a woman because my penis is mounted to low on my body. Damn German genes!
Dallas, Texas
Categories: Guys | Health & Hygiene | Penis | Sex | Texas | Posted 2009-08-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
He'd Only Stop Loving You If I Were a Fetus.
Little girl: And god loves everybody. God even loves you.
Scary little boy: I'm going to kill you.
Little girl: God will love you, even if you do.
Round Rock, Texas
No Wonder Texans Think There's No Energy Crisis
Sweaty girl to friend, watching elliptical machine read 75 rpm: So does this mean I'm going 75 miles per hour?
Gym
Dallas, Texas
...Whew!
Girl in bus seat: Oh my gawd, look at all that discharge! Oh, wait, that's cum.
Houston, Texas
Later, Steve Would Steal Them, And Have Them Surgically Implanted
Young boy, pointing enthusiastically at a goat: Dad! Dad! Look! That goat has some big ol' balls!
Father, indulgently: Mmm-hmm. I like that one.
San Antonio, Texas
And Will, Too, At The Drop Of a Hat
Seven-year-old boy: Jonas Brothers! The Jonas Brothers can suck my ass!
Borders
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Amy D
Categories: About celebrities | Ass | Glad the condom broke | Gripes | Insults | Kids | Music | Texas | Posted 2009-07-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Piss Christ Comes to Dallas
Man #1: Hey, are those bathrooms?
Man #2: No...that's art.
Discovery Green Park
Houston, Texas
Farting's Bound to Restore the Balance
20-something guy #1, carrying case of beer and bag of onions: You know when your aura gets all out of whack?
20-something guy #2, carrying same: Yeah, you just gotta get it back on track!
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: wondering if beer and onions will be part of the ritual to restore his aura
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Food | Guys | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Without My French Maid Outfit On!
Man on cell: I can't dust your house today, I'm dusting Amanda's. (pause) No, I'm dusting yours tomorrow. (very long pause) Well, then I don't know why I'm carrying around this dust-rag, I feel silly!
7-Eleven
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Madeline
Categories: Clothes | Guys | Health & Hygiene | On the phone | Texas | Posted 2009-07-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Some Sexual Slang Defies Explanation.
Random guy to friend outside: You're so nasty you eat ravioli!
Abilene Christian University
Abilene, Texas
Overheard by: Ami
Re-Enacting the Last Supper with Milk Just Wasn't As Fun
Girl #1: Wanna go to bible study with me tonight? It's really fun! It's gonna be at Stubbs and there'll be free bbq.
Girl #2: You're having bible study at a bar?
University of Texas at Austin
Overheard by: Nicole
Categories: Christianity | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Food | Girls | Offers and requests | Questions | Texas | Posted 2009-06-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Molded It Into the Shape Of a Little Man!
Girl #1: You know it really makes me sad that after all this time you still don't appreciate my art.
Girl #2: That isn't art, you found it in your underwear!
Amarillo, Texas
Maybe Add in Homicidal and Go for the Hat Trick?
Girl: Well, if he's okay with handicapped, he'll be okay with crazy.
El Paso, Texas
Categories: Advice | Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Relationships | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And the Third Is to Ask If We Watched America's Next Top Model Last Night!
Blond on cell: She doesn't call us in six months and when she does, the first call is to tell us that her boyfriend is dead on some motel floor, and the second call is that her mom is dead on the sofa!
Houston, Texas
Categories: Death & dying | Default | Family ties | Girls | Gripes | Relationships | Texas | Posted 2009-05-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I've Been Waiting for the Perfect Time to Share That with You.
Sorority girl #1: Are you gonna go?
Sorority girl #2: Like, I don't know. Like, I think I'm gonna go.
Sorority girl #3: Like, I think I'm gonna go, but like I don't know yet.
Sorority girl #2: Oh my god, like after I came back from Vegas, I gained some weight, so like I took Adderall for like two days!
UT
Austin, Texas
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Girls | Questions | Sorority types | Texas | US Geography | Words | Posted 2009-05-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ah Well, I'll Always Have Andy Dick.
Guy: Wait, Langston Hughes was gay? Damn, now I gotta take him off my Facebook.
Texas A&M University
College Station, Texas
Kinda Like Denim and Leggings
Man #1: I know this is stupid, but are buffalo extinct?
Man #2: No, they used to be.
Austin, Texas
What? Two Bugs Are Having a Race.
Very large man, staring down at his junk in front of urinal: Come on now, baby, you can do it, come on...
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Dan
Categories: Default | Euphemisms | Guys | Offers and requests | Restroom | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2009-04-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Like Babies Do
Writer: That guy is so small he could get a job as a stunt midget.
Illustrator: Is that a real profession? I would have thought they did their own stunts.
Greenville Airport
Texas
Overheard by: Mike
Categories: Airports & flights | Compare and contrast | Default | Employees | Jobs & Careers | Questions | Texas | Posted 2009-04-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
One With Special Training in Fashion Emergency Medicine
Teen girl in stall #1, reading: "Press for assistance..." Oh, Crystal, they have a press for assistance button in here!
Teen girl in stall #2: What?
Teen girl in stall #1: You know when you're in the hospital and you got that little button to press for when you need the nurse to come? They have one in here!
Teen girl in stall #2: Shut up!
Dressing Room
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Alicia K.
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Offers and requests | Questions | Teens | Texas | Posted 2009-04-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Kind Of Boy Who Grows Up to Be President
Eight-year-old boy playing Nintendo: Die! Die! Diediediediediediedie!
Older brother: Isn't that a little violent?
Eight-year-old: I'm goddam Kirby! I can do anything I want!
Houston, Texas
Categories: Death & dying | Default | Family | Games | Guys | Kids | Offers and requests | Questions | Texas | Violence | Posted 2009-04-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's the Last Time I'll Try Absinthe.
Teen to friend: My house smells like bug spray, and there is blood all over my bed!
Pappadeauxs Restaurant
Houston, Texas
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Insects | Restaurants | Teens | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2009-04-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
By That Point, We Were Married with Three Kids.
Punk girl: So we started fucking on a regular basis, right? And then I realized that I may actually like the guy!
University Campus
Austin, Texas
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Feelings | Girls | Punks | Questions | Sex | Texas | Posted 2009-04-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
There Are So Few Good Roles for Latina Actresses
Chica #1: Here's your apron.
Chica #2: Oh! I'm going to be such a ho' tonight!
Sugar Land, Texas
We'd Hate to Hear Him in Bed
Pilot over intercom after rough landing: Whooaa, Nessie! (makes galloping sound) Easy, girl! (makes baaing sound) Whoops, wrong animal.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: kayla
Categories: Airports & flights | Animals | Default | Pilots | Public Transportation | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2009-03-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Nobody Really Understood The Happening
Teen boy in car to dog walker (at top of his lungs, worried): Hey, girl! Watch out! The dogs are poisonous!
Midlothian, Texas
Dakota Fanning, Parker Posey and Carlos Mencia Failed to Light Up the Small Screen
Young daughter to white mother: You fell in love with a Mexican?
White mom: Yes, I did.
Mexican dad: Unfortunately.
El Fenix
Texas
Like the Holocaust
Pessimistic non-racist : I can't remember what Jamal Lewis did to go to prison for, but when he got out, he was a different running back.
Optimistic racist: I'm sure it was some kind of misunderstanding.
Point Comfort, Texas
A Lot Of Austin Guys Ride Sidesaddle
Man: I really hope I can suck something out of the horse later.
DMV
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: auroratudor
Though I've Always Found the Growling Very Alluring
Plain Jane: Finish eating, so we can go outside!
Goth girl: Quit bossing me around! I just got out of line five minutes ago; it's not my fault that it's 12:45 and I've only eaten half of my lunch!
Popular boy to goth girl: I don't think I've ever heard you speak before.
School Cafeteria
El Paso, Texas
Categories: Default | Food | Girls | Goths | Guys | Memory lane | Offers and requests | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Students | Texas | Posted 2009-02-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It All Started When I Tried to Separate the Laundry...
Preppy teenage girl #1, before Sex and the City movie: Oh! I heard that Jennifer Hewitt is in this movie!
Preppy teenage girl #2: No, it's Jennifer Hudson.
Preppy teenage girl #1: Whats the difference?
Preppy teenage girl #2: Jennifer Hewitt is the white actress who made a CD and can't sing and was in the Garfield movie. Jennifer Hudson is the black girl from American Idol who won an Oscar for that movie with Beyonce.
Preppy teenage girl #1: Are either one of them singing in this movie?
Preppy teenage girl #2: I don't know.
(long pause)
Preppy teenage girl #3: Speaking of black people, I got in trouble for being racist at work today.
Plano, Texas
Categories: About celebrities | Default | Girls | Jobs & Careers | Movies | Race | Students | Teens | Texas | Posted 2009-02-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
They'd Kick Themselves When Lauren Hutton's Career Took Off
Guy #1: She is just not attractive. I thought it might help when she smiled, but it didn't.
Guy #2: I know! It only makes it worse.
Wendy's
Carrollton, Texas
Categories: Beauty | Compare and contrast | Default | Gripes | Guys | Restaurants | Texas | Posted 2009-02-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Like When Troy McClure Married Selma on The Simpsons
Girl #1: What's an orgasm?
Girl #2: It's like when two people get excited during sex.
Girl #1: So, like, when they go "rawwwrr!"
Girl #2: Uh...yeah. Sure.
School Cafeteria
El Paso, Texas
In Other News, I've Graded You on a Scale from "Green" to "Unicorns"
Math professor: Coming home drunk at 3 am and grading calculus papers is a great way to learn calculus.
Southern Methodist University
Dallas, Texas
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Default | Drinking & drunks | Education | Teachers | Texas | Posted 2009-01-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Like the Dirty Little Republican You Are
(attractive couple are making out against a car. The girl's phone goes off.).
Girl: Hello? Hey, mom. No, I'm still at school. Rehearsal's going to be late today. Yeah, I'll call you. Bye!
Guy: I love when you lie.
Houston, Texas
Categories: Couples | Default | Education | Family ties | Girls | Guys | K-I-S-S-I-N-G | Lies | Texas | Posted 2009-01-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades
20-something guy that obviously just woke up: So, do you think we'll have enough money to apply for college later today?
20-something girlfriend, also still bed-headed and yawning: Are you kidding me? It's 5 am and we're stoned. We'll talk about this later.
Bus
Dallas, Texas
Back in My Cheekier Days
Girl : But...why...would you...?
Guy (enthusiastically): I always used to wear thongs!
Deep Ellum
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: buttfloss?
Some Sermons Are More Uplifting Than Others
Girl: I'm not going to have fun because I'm going to be sober...and whiny!
Texas Christian University
Fort Worth, Texas
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Drinking & drunks | Feelings | Girls | Gripes | Texas | Posted 2009-01-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why Few Gymnastics Coaches Can Sustain a Marriage
Man to wife in purse section: That doesn't look like a travel bag! Stay focused!
Nordstrom
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Kim
Which Is Exactly What Jesus Would Do
Girl to two friends: Well, he was okay because he could still introduce himself, could still make out with her, and could still pop a boner.
Texas Christian University
Fort Worth, Texas
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Sexuality | Texas | Posted 2009-01-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Searching for the Mitten He'd Lost
Mom to teenage daughter: Yeah, they swell up big, you shoulda seen it, looked like I had a pussy on my hand.
Courtroom
Houston, Texas
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Hands | Health & Hygiene | Moms | Teens | Texas | Vagina | Posted 2008-12-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'd Scream, "Holy Shit!"
Blond Christian girl #1: So, like, what if like when Jesus comes, you're in the bathroom? Like, what do you do?
Blond Christian girl #2: Oh, wow...that would suck.
Dallas, Texas
So You'd Just Have to Be Careful About Static Shock
Pretty girl: So, do you like anyone right now?
Serious guy: Eva Mendes, but she lives far away.
Pretty girl: She's hairy.
Serious guy: Yeah, I kinda noticed that.
Pretty girl (in acknowledgment): Yeah.
Serious guy (in agreement): Yeah.
El Paso, Texas
...I Put Down My Whip and Hugged Her
Attractive passerby: And then she was all like, "my parents would never press charges against you." And I was so touched...
Houston, Texas
Categories: Crimes | Default | Family ties | Feelings | Relationships | Strangers | Texas | Posted 2008-11-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's the Only Possible Motivation to Teach at a Texas Public School?
Teacher: I got a question for you guys... If you're flying at 50,000 feet and the left rear tire falls off your canoe, how many pancakes does it take to cover a doghouse and why?
Students: What the fuck?
Teacher: Clearly, the answer is 7, cause ice cream has no bones!
Student #1: Why do they keep giving us teachers on crack?
Student #2: I dunno, man. I dunno...
Inside Freshman Classroom
El Paso, Texas
Boys: I'm Keeping It in My Pants Now, Thanks Anyway
High school girl #1: I'm so glad I only have one baby daddy. I feel sorry for those girls with more than one! You've gotta figure out who has money and who doesn't.
High school girl #2: That is so true!
Grocery Store
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Just doing my grocery shopping
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Feelings | Girls | Money | Relationships | Stores | Teens | Texas | Posted 2008-11-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...In Unrelated News
Preppy guy #1: "Pangaea," like the continent?
Preppy guy #2: Yeah, my sister just had a face lift.
Wal-Mart
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Rev Loon
And Almost As Many Holes As Most Political Speeches
Old lady: Look at that cheese--such a pretty color! Like one of Hillary Clinton's pantsuits.
Santa Rita Cantina
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Katie
Categories: Compare and contrast | Compliments | Default | Food | Old folks | Politics | Restaurants | Sensory experiences | Texas | Women | Posted 2008-11-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just Lucky, I Guess
Girl: She has vagina legs.
Guy friend: How does she have vagina legs?
Texas Christian University
Fort Worth, Texas
Categories: Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Default | Girls | Guys | Questions | Texas | Vagina | Weirdness | Posted 2008-11-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Thin Line Between Martha Stewart and MTV Backup Dancers
Restaurant server on smoke break: How were the ladies at the bar?
Drunk man: Those bitches were hot. And I mean "bitches" in the best possible way.
Server: When I say "bitches," I mean "hoes."
Plano, Texas
And Are You Looking at Me, or Not?
Dart player #1: You're kicking ass because you can aim with your lazy eye.
Dart player #2: No, I'm not using my lazy eye.
Dart player #1: Well, it's still not fair.
Riprock's
Denton, Texas
Overheard by: still glad i don't have a lazy eye
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Compare and contrast | Default | Games | Guys | Texas | Posted 2008-11-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
A Woman With a Full Bladder Stops Believing in Multitasking
(in the ladies' restroom, after seeing camera flash from inside a stall)
Angry blonde in line: Oh, come on! There's a whole line of people out here who have to pee, and you twits are in there taking fucking pictures for your damn MySpace pages.
Two girls in one stall: We're just peeing.
Angry blonde, to no one in particular: Who the hell takes pictures of themselves on the damn toilet anyway? I can just see the caption on that one... "Night at Zen, usin' the potty." Jeez!
(the two girls come out of the stall, obviously offended...in full 80s garb).
Angry blonde: Bwaaahhhaaaaa hhhaaaa hhhaaaa, (deadpan) Fucking losers!
Zen Night Club
Addison, Texas
Overheard by: If she hadn't said it, I would have
And a Wife
Girl #1: I need a new guy. That's not fair! He was able to recuperate real fast.
Girl #2: Yeah. Well, he had a girlfriend.
Texas
Consider Your Face Sucked
Boyfriend: If we were in person right now, I would totally suck your face right now.
Girlfriend: We *are* in person.
Boyfriend: Oh, yeah.
(they walk on casually)
Memorial City Mall
Houston, Texas
How About You Guys Write the Questions
Girl: So, what's the test going to be like?
Professor: Hard... No, I don't know. I've never done this before.
College Station, Texas
You Don't Expect That During Dental X-Rays
Girl on phone: Yeah, and your boobs hang out! It's weird!
College Station, Texas
But I Hear There's a Starbucks There Now
Waiter: I think it would be cool to live on the moon...
Waitress: Yeah, I don't think I could do that. I'm afraid of heights.
Texas City, Texas
Overheard by: TurboCat
Buy Me a Pony and I'll Throw in the Windshield
Little girl sitting in shopping cart to mother: I love you more than the car! That's a lot,right, mommy? (thinks a while) More than the lights, too!
Wal-Mart
Weslaco,Texas
Overheard by: I love Mommy too
A Dallas Vacation Really Makes You Appreciate New York
Queer to friend: It's pretentious, it's stupid, it sucks, and I love it.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: keeeem
Followed by Fro-Yo
Trendy girl: Yeah, so like, the mom and her daughter went and got abortions together.
Town Center
Sugar Land, TX
Everything Is Coming Together!
Man #1: Hi! How are you?
Man #2 (excited): Great! I'm going through a divorce!
Man #1: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Man #2 (still excited): Yeah! My wife was with another man!
The Woodlands, Texas
Overheard by: ....what?
Categories: Default | Feelings | Guys | Infidelity | Questions | Relationships | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2008-09-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's Implied by the First Three
Teacher: What is life really about?
Student #1: Cars!
Student #2: Love!
Student #3: Money!
Teacher: Why hasn't anyone said "sex" yet?
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Irot
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Philosophy | Questions | Sex | Students | Teachers | Texas | Posted 2008-09-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But It's Music Made by Weenies for Weenies Who Make Weenies!
(odd club music plays in the background)
Student #1: Chef, what are we listening to?
Chef instructor: Just some flippy-trippy sausage making music! It's acid jazz.
Student #2, grinding variety meats: I'm so not on the right drugs for this.
Culinary School
Austin, Texas
How Ken Maintains That Orange Tan
Blonde: There was a Ken doll encased in jello in the fridge.
Pocket Sandwich Theater
Dallas, Texas
We're Not Too Proud to Admit That We Snickered
Granddaughter: Is it wet?
Grandmother: Oh, believe me. It's wet.
Waco, Texas
Overheard by: I need to get whatever they're using.
The Thin Line Between Wine Appreciation and Drunken Debauchery
Professor to class (during tasting session): Anybody getting any wood on this one?
Wine Appreciation 101
University of Houston, Texas
Implant It There, If You Will
Woman on cell: So I told him to quit being a titty and put it in the backseat.
Amarillo, Texas
Overheard by: Flossy Jossie
Categories: Default | Insults | Offers and requests | On the phone | Texas | Women | Posted 2008-09-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
A Woman Never Knows When Her Uterus Will Get Gentrified
Black woman to child: You just mama's little white boy, aren't you? Yes you are!
Passing Hispanic woman: Is he really white?
Wal-Mart Parking Lot
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Walk By Faster
Categories: Black people | Compare and contrast | Default | Latinos | Malls | Questions | Race | Texas | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2008-09-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Ones I Do Have Thankfully Have Easy-to-Remember 1-900 Numbers
Salesman to guy purchasing new phone: Yeah, we can totally transfer all your contacts and calendar and stuff to this new phone.
Guy (in English accent): Well, can you do that on this other model?
Salesman: No, you can't transfer your contacts from your old one to this model.
Guy (in English accent): Oh, that doesn't matter. I don't have any friends.
Austin, Texas
Categories: Cell phones | Default | Employees | Foreigners | Guys | Offers and requests | Questions | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2008-09-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Shame They'll Never Know About Our Fantastic Punnery
Guy #1: The deaf people are coming out in droves.
Guy #2: That bad?
Guy #1: Dude, it's like day of the deaf, or night of the living deaf!
Wal-Mart
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Rev Loon
You Sure You Need a Rocket Launcher?
White trash guy to wife at gun counter: I don't know, honey, that might be too big to conceal.
Academy Sports
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: We're not in Michigan Anymore
Some People Just Look Better with Misshapen Skulls
Guy #1 (after guy #2 leaves): Man, I hate him so much.
Girl: What? Why?
Guy #1: Ever since he fell out that window and almost died and shit, girls have been all over him. He's a goddam womanizer.
Girl: He is pretty cute.
Houston, Texas
Categories: Compliments | Death & dying | Default | Girls | Gripes | Guys | Insults | Texas | Posted 2008-08-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Wedding Is On!
Guy about stripper girlfriend: I asked her to get STD tested, but she said she was almost done with her chlamydia medication, so it's all good.
Frisco, Texas
Overheard by: C.D.
I May Also Be Kin to This Cheeseburger
Slightly crazy lady to older man sitting nearby: Hey! You look like my uncle Smitty! Are you kin to me?
Old man, startled: Um, no, I don't think so.
Lady: Well, you never know. I did that genealogy thing and it turns out that I am kin to Pocahontas, Thomas Jefferson and half the men that died at The Alamo.
Dan's Hamburgers
Austin, Texas
Categories: Compare and contrast | Crazies | Default | Family ties | Old folks | Pop culture | Questions | Restaurants | Texas | Women | Posted 2008-08-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Someone Added a "Y" to the "Ga" Square
(five ditzy girls are looking at a big poster of the periodic table of the elements, and laughing)
Boy, walking up: What's so funny?
Girl: Haha! One of the squares says "Bi"! Hahaha... like "bisexual!"
UT Austin
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Bismuth.
...Animal Cracker Coming Up
Kid: (burps loudly)
Mom: What was that?
Kid: I think it was a lion.
Little Leage Game
Ft. Worth, Texas
Overheard by: DeeDon
Since Apparently Assholism No Longer Qualifies
Guy to another: I don't know what to tell you... If she won't break up with you because you invited her to have a threesome, then tell her that you have some disability... (mumbles) ...like, what's that form of autism called? "Asperger syndrome"?
Bar
Austin, Texas
Categories: Advice | Bars & Clubs | Default | Guys | Maladies | Relationships | Texas | Posted 2008-08-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Wait 'Til the Kid Spills Something on It
Exasperated mom to young daughter (referring to a stuffed beaver): Quit messing with that beaver! (pause) and that's the last time I ever want to say that sentence!
Ikea
Frisco, Texas
Overheard by: Becca
Categories: Animals | Default | Euphemisms | Moms | Offers and requests | Parenting | Stores | Texas | Words | Posted 2008-08-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's Easily Mistaken for a Leak in the Basement
Galveston woman: I swear, when I first met Sheila 20 years ago she looked middle-aged. She still looks middle-aged.
Guest from California: Maybe she discovered the fountain of middle age.
Galveston, Texas
Overheard by: Chas
Categories: Age and ageing | Default | Memory lane | Names | Texas | Women | Posted 2008-07-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Because Stool Analysis Costs Extra
Pharmacy assistant holding phone to pharmacist: This guy on the phone found some prescription bottles in a drawer and wants to know what they are. Can you talk to him?
Pharmacist: Did he eat them already?
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: mmm....mystery pills
I Told You to Start Keeping Condoms in There
Cashier (handing over receipt): Would you like this?
Customer: No, they make babies in my purse...
David's Supermarket
Whitney, Texas
I Can't Explain Why I Continue to Play
Random board gamer: Settlers of Catan was created in the bowels of hell to make otherwise intelligent people say: "I have wood for sheep."
Epoch Coffee
Austin, Texas
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Default | Dorks, Geeks & Nerds | Evil | Games | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2008-07-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
They Should Be in a Nursing Home, Singing "Stay True to Your Stool"
Dude #1: I heard they were trying to get The Beach Boys for that motorcycle rally.
Dude #2: Man, that really says a lot about who is riding motorcycles these days. And it's not good.
Lone Star Floathouse & Grill
New Braunfels, Texas
Overheard by: D2
I'm Sorry I Ever Chose to Study The Necronomicon
Guy going to study for finals: I'm kinda scared to sit in a cubicle alone... by myself... Alone with my thoughts. Not good.
PCL Library
University of Texas at Austin
If One of Our Editors Doesn't Beat You to It
Middle aged redneck to cute four-year-old girl: You're just as sharp as your great granddaddy! You're gonna grow up to write about public restrooms in America!
Gas Station
Waco, Texas
Categories: Default | Family ties | Jobs & Careers | Rednecks | Stupidity | Texas | Posted 2008-07-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Teacher: "Must...Tread...Lightly..."
Girl: I thought dinosaurs were a fairy tale.
Junior High Science Class
El Paso, Texas
See My Rattail?
Man at bar: What do you girls do for a living?
Attractive women: We're in sales, you?
Man: You're in sales? I think you need a career change.
Women: I'm sorry, what do you do?
Man: I'm with the carnival.
Country Bar
Fort Worth, Texas
Vertical Bars Are So Slimming
20-something goth/thug girl: Remember the time I went to jail? I didn't want to leave!
Denny's
San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: I didn't want to be at dennys
Categories: Crimes | Default | Girls | Goths | Memory lane | Restaurants | Texas | Thugs | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2008-06-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Like Putting Mayo on French Fries
Jock on cell: I bet he's a lame fuck. He wouldn't do any of that weird stuff you like.
Barton Springs Pool
Austin, Texas
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Insults | Jocks | Kink | On the phone | Texas | Posted 2008-06-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Hot!
Guy #1: So he lit the shot on fire and when he went to take it, part of it got on his face and instead of swallowing, he spat it everywhere and it all caught on fire.
Guy #2: Yeah, I bet he got laid that night, though.
Girl: Where, in the burn unit?
Houston, Texas
Categories: Default | Drinking & drunks | Girls | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Questions | Sexuality | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2008-06-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Gay People. Is There Any Social Problem They Can't Fix?
Guy: So it's her mom, her mom's boyfriend, and her dad?
Girl: Yeah. It would be so awkward if her dad wasn't gay.
Corpus Christi, Texas
Overheard by: it already is.
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Family ties | Feelings | Girls | Guys | Questions | Relationships | Sexuality | Texas | Posted 2008-06-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Enough with the Empire-Waists Already, People
Chick: Do I look pregnant in this dress?
Boyfriend: Nah, I told you. It just looks like something a pregnant person would wear.
Lakeline Mall
Austin, Texas
Oh, I'm Sorry--Aren't You a Size Queen?
Tall guy: My girlfriend's ex-boyfriend had an eight inch penis.
Younger friend girl: What!? Why would she tell you that?!
Tall guy: I guess she just thought I should know.
Younger friend girl: No, here's a better question. Why would you tell me that!?
Chick-fil-A
Houston, Texas
Categories: Default | Friends | Girls | Guys | Penis | Questions | Relationships | Restaurants | Sexuality | Texas | Posted 2008-06-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Most of Life's Problems Can Be Solved with a Pair of Tweezers and a Bottle of Wine
Emo guy to friends: He loves me. He wants my children. He says to me: "Andrew, let me have sex with you so I can have your children." I would do it if I didn't have hairy nipples.
Library
Plano, Texas
Everything She Knows About Homosexuality She Learned from Bravo TV
Bimbette: What's wrong with gay people? Gay people are funny.
Religion Class
El Paso, Texas
Categories: Bimbettes | Compliments | Default | Feelings | Questions | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Sexuality | Texas | Posted 2008-06-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Unless There's Something I Don't Know About DVD Players
Guy on cell: Just because you own one doesn't make you Mormon!
Barnes & Noble
Southlake, Texas
Overheard by: Autumn
Categories: Christianity | Compare and contrast | Guys | On the phone | Stores | Texas | Posted 2008-05-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
A Family Tradition I've Been Staunch about Continuing
Drunk woman: ... And that's how my parents hooked up! My dad was a drunk dialer!
Outside George's
Waco, Texas
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Family ties | Memory lane | Relationships | Restaurants | Texas | Women | Posted 2008-05-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Out of What?
Five-year-old boy: How old are you?
Tutor: Twenty.
Five-year-old boy: Yeah, well, do you know how to make a monkey?
Dallas, Texas
I Know It's True --I Heard It from a Christian Rapper
Teacher: So when you have sex with someone who isn't a virgin, your spirit is having sex with the spirits of everyone that person had sex with.
Religion Classroom
El Paso, Texas
Dear Martha Stewart...
Frustrated waitress: There's not enough Scotchguard in the world to help those sex cushions!
Rudyard's
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Hales
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Cleanliness | Gripes | Health & Hygiene | Servers | Sexuality | Texas | Women | Posted 2008-05-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Texas Finally Catches Up to the Rest of the Country
Teacher: In a representative democracy, if you don't like who's in office, what can you do?
Student: Impeach him!
Teacher: Well, that's too drastic, what else?
Same student: Assassination?
9th Grade World Geography Class
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: amused teacher's aide
They Wear Silly Clothing and Nothing Much Happens?
Professor, in regards to nationalism in film: Now what makes a film "British"?
Valedictorian: They all speak British?
University of Texas
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Adam
Oh Honey, a Sorority Girl Doesn't Need a Personality
Sorority girl #1: I should, like, just wear mini skirts all the time.
Sorority girl #2: Why?
Sorority girl #1: I have great legs, they're my best asset. [quiet pause] But I don't like my personality.
Dressing Room at Buffalo Exchange
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Yes! She just redeemed herself
Categories: Beauty | Body parts | Clothing | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Feelings | Friends | Girls | Sorority types | Texas | Posted 2008-05-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Then What's Sap?
Girl: Mister, what's that?
Teacher: That is an air purifier.
Girl: A what?
Teacher: An air purifier.
Girl: That's crazy, what yo need an air purifier for?
Teacher: To get the pollen out of the air.
Girl: What's pollen?
Teacher: Well, when trees have sex, they release pollen into the air.
Girl: You mean I am breathing in tree jizz!? [Shudders in repulsion at the thought.]
[Whole class laughs.]
High School
Austin, Texas
Except for This Headline
Serious girl: Nothing important has ever been typed with the thumbs.
UNT Campus
Denton, Texas
Overheard by: Having a Cigarette Break
Categories: Body parts | Books | Colleges & Universities | Dorks, Geeks & Nerds | Girls | Students | Texas | Words | Posted 2008-04-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Must Be a Factory Nearby
Woman, after bring run by kid: Oh, a human male child just ran by me.
Arlington, Texas
Overheard by: Random Dude