Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | Places | North America | USA

... and a Coal Miner?

Sorority chick, discussing Shroud of Turin: Jesus was 14 feet tall?

Philosophy of Religion Class, Lycoming College
Williamsport, Pennsylvania

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Who Is He to Say I Can't Be a Lesbian?

Three-year-old to parents: Jesus is mean.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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Yesterday When I Hugged Her, She Crumbled a Little

Cute guy: Dude, I have to break up with her.
Friend: Yeah, why?
Cute guy: Cause every time I look at her, I think how nice it would be to have a girlfriend who didn't look like she was born in 100,000 BC.
Friend: Woah, that's harsh. But I see what you're saying.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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Or Where This Sweater Vest Came from

College student: So far, I'm three for three on not knowing who I left with, or how I got there.

Lycoming College
Williamsport, Pennsylvania

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Terrible Mileage

Guy to friend: Yeah, I don't know what's wrong with it, but my hamster just isn't working right.

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Not-at-all 21

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...That's a Terrible Marketing Slogan.

Gay man: Listen, we've all shat, we've all farted, we've all touched ourselves, and we've all used a dildo.
Girls: Ummm... no.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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Either Listen Up or Nap Like the Rest Of Us, Dude

Guy leaving psych class: Why are we talking about bed bugs liking it up the ass?! How is that relevant?

University of Pittsburgh
Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Ellie

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What's More Natural Than Fondling a Relative's Artificial Breast?

Daughter in dressing room: Go ahead, feel them!
Mom in dressing room: No!
Daughter: Really, the point is to feel how natural they feel! I'm going to want to feel yours when you get them.

York, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Kendal

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Why Ben and Jerry Are Such Studs

Girl to friend: And he tried to order frozen yogurt, so I didn't sleep with him. If you want to bang me, you have to eat full-fat ice cream!

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

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Whoo Hoo, I Just Used All My Words Of the Day!

Girl on cell: It's going to fucking rain in circa one hour.

University of Pennsylvania
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: grad student

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And Make Our Points Without Using the Word "Whatever"

Girl in anthropology class: So... Islam says that men can marry four wives, but women can only marry one husband. Whatever.
Professor: Let's try to maintain some cultural relativism!

Collegeville, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: nina

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If You Don't Want to Go to Grandma's, Just Say So.

Mom: I'll shoot you, then you'll shoot me, and we won't have to go anywhere.
Daughter: Mom...?
Mom: What? I'm just saying. If we shot each other we couldn't go anywhere, anyways.

Dressing Room in Mall
Pennsylvania

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If You Run Into Them at a Bar Just Walk Away, or I Will Fail You

Professor: I have kids. I might have grandkids, but with my children... that probably shouldn't happen.

Arcadia University
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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Otherwise Known As the "Hockey Team" Effect

Anthropology professor: So they tried so hard to be hetero that they just came out being really homo...
Class: (laughs)
Anthropology professor: ...geneous.

Bucknell University
Lewisburg, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Peter

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We Regret to Inform You That New Jersey Was Founded in 1664, Dear Reader

Bimbo #1, buying coffee: Do you ever, like, look at your change and think, "Wow: $16.64. Something totally happened that year!"
Bimbo #2: Oh yeah, I totally agree. Like, if I bought something for like two dollars with a $20 and my change was $19.78, I like might know someone who was born that year!

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: BaptistaBarista

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Must Be Why They Call It "The Linty City"

Blonde ditz: Oh my god, Philadelphia is, like, pockets!
Brunette ditz: I know, right? There are just sooooo many pockets!

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: hands in my pockets

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I Think I've Heard This Country Song...

Guy to girlfriend: If I go to jail for you, you better get your tits done.

Viewmont Mall
Dickson City, Pennsylvania

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That's How the Doctor Knows You're Done

Lady: And as soon as the doctor said "stick out your tongue," she knew her goose was cooked!

West Chester, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Theresa

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My Dad Kept Telling People to Kill Me

Student #1: I told my dad I wanted to be famous, and he told me I should kill someone. I was like, seven.
Student #2: At least he's supportive.

Philedelphia University, Pennsylvania

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Is That How You Resolve Things with Your Dad?

Guy #1: Man, I've tried everything. I don't know what to do.
Guy #2: Have you tried sex?
Guy #1: Actually, no...

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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Puerto Ricans: "We've Never Seen This Girl Before in Our Lives."

Dude: Buenos Aires, eh?
Bimbette wearing Buenos Aires t-shirt: I gotta represent for my Puerto Ricans!

Summit Park Clubhouse
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: rock.star.

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Misrepresent!

Suit on cell: Where do you think I am? I'm at work.
Ticket taker: All tickets and passes!
Suit on cell: I'll call you back. I have a conference call.

R7 Regional Rail
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: I'm at work too

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The Best Part Is, They've Trademarked That Name

Friendly waitress, serious: Would you like to order a happy ending?

Lycoming Mall
Pennsdale, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: DazedinPA

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I Smell the Plot Of a Lesbian Road-Trip Movie

Woman to another: But don't worry... I won't give up the boobie, and you can drive.

Bus
Chester, Pennsylvania

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Didn't They Try That Defense in a Law & Order Episode?

College guy #1: I think racism is just really bad OCD!
College guy #2: Haha, yeah!

University of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

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Although McDonald's Menu Is More Like Scat Porn

Cute, hungry 20-something: I love menus, they're like porn.

SEPTA Bus
Philadelhia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by:

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Explosive Phosphorous Diarrhea Really Lights Up Public Transport

Stoned frat boy: That's some illuminating shit!

Oakland-Pittsburgh
Pennsylvania

Overheard by: the girl in the front of the bus

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What Happens When You Read the Thesaurus at Bedtime

Little girl to dog: Lucy, no! I admonish you!

Perry Square
Erie, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Kat

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Do You Do, Uh, Blown Glass?

Old Polish lady, bitching about price of handmade jewelry: So you're paying for the hand job and not the stone?

Bethlehem, Pennsylvania

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Eventually I Quit My Job and Began Living Off the Settlements

Black man jaywalking into oncoming traffic: I always loved playing in traffic. Ever since I was little. There's something wrong with me, man!

Scranton, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: reluctant scrantonian

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I Get All My Internet News from the Radio

Teen girl: Hey guys! I heard there's going to be like, a digital Armageddon today!
Teen boy: I think that's a hoax.
Teen girl: No, but I heard it on the radio (pause) They wouldn't have reported it like that if it was fake.

Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: H. G. Wells

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He's Been Known to Pleasure Several Girls en Brochette

Girl #1: His penis was huge, like 12 inches! He was holding it and his hand looked so tiny!
Girl #2: No wonder he doesn't get any play, that shit hurts!
Girl #3: Yeah, it would like come out my ass!

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Just 2

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Hamlet Woulda Loved Resident Evil

English teacher, reading Hamlet: "To die, to sleep; To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come..." Alright class, we'll pick it up from there on Monday.
Frat boy #1: What the fuck was that about?
Frat boy #2: I don't know, man. Let's go kill some zombies.

Gettysburg College
Gettysburg, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Alyssa

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If It's Not a Potential YouTube Video, Why Look?

Girl sitting by window: Oh, John, come here!
Guy: What? Why?
Girl: Because there's a male and female cardinal sitting on the same branch!
Guy: Are they fucking?

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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I Believe the Technical Term Is "Manure"

9-year-old boy, biking: Yo, what kind of flowers are they?
13-year-old brother, also biking: They be poppies an' calla-lilies an' peonies an' oleanders an' hydrangeas an' shit.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Phanatic

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Just a Bit Self-Conscious About His Baby-Carrot Penis

Blonde: So this guy was hitting on me and he was like, "so, do you have a boyfriend?" and I was like, "ummm, yeah." It was really creepy. I was like, "oh my god, I can not tell my boyfriend about this!" I mean, normally he wouldn't really care, but (looks around and lowers voice) this guy was black, so I think my boyfriend might flip. I mean, not that he's racist or anything.

Penn Tech
Williamsport, Pennsylvania

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If I'm Going to Rent Them Out, I Get to Make the Rules.

Girl in humanities course: I don't trust Chinese people with my eyebrows.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Amused college student

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Literacy Campaigns Have Come a Long Way Since Reading Rainbow

Girl, looking at books: I love the library! It's like natural Adderall.

Scranton, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: too old for this

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And What's That on Your Hamburger?

Chick: Has anyone seen the bottle of fake blood?

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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For Some Weird Reason I Can't Keep Them, Though.

High school kid to another, on bus: I'm all sensitive and shit, that's why I get all the bitches.

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Bus Boy

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That's Only 'Cause You Can't Hear Her

Annoying teen #1, looking at trashy magazine: She's cute.
Annoying teen #2: That's Jessica Simpson.
Annoying teen #1: Well, she looks good red-headed and with her mouth open.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Giggling quietly in the pharmacy sectino

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The Contemporary Odd Couple Doesn't Hold a Candle to the Original

20-something guy #1: So you don't have to pee?
20-something guy #2: No man, never. It's fucking weird.
20-something guy #1: Yeah, I have to pee like, every hour. (both laugh)

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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Every Guy Needs a Wingdyke

Tall blonde dude: If only she wasn't a butch lesbian, we would be so perfect for each other.
Petite blonde: You need to start thinking outside of those boundaries.

Juniata College
Huntingdon, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: I agree

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Especially You, Ma'am.

Bag lady, after no one would give her change: You all have small dicks! Small dicks! Small dicks! Small dicks!

Chinatown Restaurant
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Dan

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...When She Complained About Her First Day Of Preschool.

Field hockey jockette: And then I said, "at least you didn't get gonorrhea!"

Ursinus College
Collegeville, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: reading in the lounge

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Hey, What Are Frenemies For?

Girl #1: It's like putting a band-aid on when you need stitches.
Girl #2: Oh, thats a good one.
Girl #3: Yeah, and then the band-aid falls off and it gets infected.
Girl #1: And then you get gangrene and you leg falls off.
Girl #3: Only we could be trying to be supportive and morbid at the same time...

Belleville, Pennsylvania

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Nothing Says Spring Like the Scent Of Ice Cream and Urine

Small boy with ice cream cone, trying to get mom's attention: I peed my pants! I peed my pants! Mommy, listen to me, I peed my pants!
Mom, deadpan: I bet that's real uncomfortable for you.
Dad to son: When we get home we are just gonna have to hose you down.
Son to dad: Oh yeah, make me lay on the yard and then spray the hose on me, and on my penis, and down my pants on my penis!
Boy's brother, from minivan: Ew! You can spell the pee!

Bucks County, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: free birth control

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To Be Fair, This Is His Answer to Everything

Instructor to swim class: Okay, who can tell me one thing we can wear to protect ourselves from the sun?
Three-year-old boy, after much thought: Teeth!

YMCA
Easton, Pennsylvania

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...Is the Thesis Of My Biology Essay.

Chubby girl: Oreos are better than amphetamines.

Chambersburg, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: gidgetgirl

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Shouldn't There Be an IQ Prerequisite?

Woman: So when are you guys riding?
Man #1: Three weekends from now, or maybe a month...
Woman: Isn't it too cold outside to ride motorcycles?
Man #2: Not if you're drunk!

Downingtown, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Crys

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Every Presentation Was Brought to Us by the Letter "O"

Chick: I was in your area during lunch and thought about asking you to meet me for a quickie.
Dude: What the fuck? And you didn't, because...?
Chick: I had to drive some coworkers back to the city. Wasn't sure what to do with them while we copulated.
Dude: Do what my parents did, sit them down in front of the tv, turn on Sesame Street and turn it up!

Conshohocken, Pennsylvania

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Um, Okay.

Sorority girl #1: Oh my god! I am like, not okay. I am not okay.
Sorority girl #2: Oh my god, are you okay?
Sorority girl #1: Yeah, I'm okay. But do you see me? I am not okay!

Bathroom, Gettysburg College
Gettysburg, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: just trying to pee

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You'll Start Wearing Deodorant?

6th grade student: Miss Smith, I've decided that I'm gonna to end my reign of terror.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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I Couldn't Help It-- I Kept Shining a Strobe Light on Him.

College girl to three friends, completely serious: Yeah, I guess his penis had epilepsy or something.

College Dining Hall
Pennsylvania

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Nobody Can Do Sexual Harassment Like the Insane

Crazy bag lady, loudly: I don't suck dick for pussy! I don't suck dick for pussy! I don't suck dick for pussy!
(sits down next to another passenger on the subway)
Crazy bag lady, now in passenger's face: I don't suck dick for pussy!
(female passenger gets up and moves)
Crazy bag lady: Why you jumping? Why you jumping, bitch!? You weren't jumpin' last night when that guy put his long ass dick in you last night!
Female passenger: Excuse me, ma'am, don't say that to me! You don't know me!
(subway train stops)
Conductor: City Hall station!
Female passenger: Excuse me, sir, there's a crazy lady on the subway harassing the other passengers.
Conductor: Oh, could you point her out to me?
(female passenger points to crazy woman yelling)
Conductor: Ma'am, are you bothering people?
Crazy bag lady: Why you tryin' to fuck me standing up!? Why don't you fuck me lying down like a gentleman!
Conductor: Ma'am, I'm calling the police.

Broad Street Line Subway
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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Warning: The Michael Jackson Story May Be Unsuitable for Children

Old man to group of kids: And then it turned into a he-she! (kids gasp)

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: paulyy

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Lovemaking Is Cooperative; Fucking Is Competitive

Dude: She fucks like a division one athlete. I swear, I take three shots of whiskey before I go to her place. I need to have the spins so I have any chance of lasting.

Ten Stone
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: johnny

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...That I Dipped in Cat-Food.

Teen girl #1 to friend: Ew, your breath smells like fish!
Teen girl #2: It's 'cause of the Swedish fish.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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Couldn't Dad Wait 'til I Graduate?

Girl in North Face jacket and Uggs to clone friends: I mean, why couldn't it have been a normal suicide? Like, this week? Really?

Penn State Library
University Park, Pennsylvania

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Softly with Your Song, or What?

Black woman in the ER on cell: You killed him? What do you mean you "killed him"?

Chestnut Hill Hospital
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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In Unrelated News, Could I Get a Ride to the Emergency Room?

Drunk guy #1, finishing rant: Plastic trees do not produce oxygen!
Drunk guy #2, retorting: They do if you eat them!

Bloomsburg, Pennsylvania

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You Are the Weakest Link. Goodbye.

Spanish teacher: And you really have to be careful what you eat, because they have a lot of E. Coli problems.
Teenage girl: E. Coli? Like in those commercials with the cough drops?
Spanish teacher: What?
Teenage girl: Y'know, like the "Eeee-coliiii..."

Jersey Shore High School
Pennsylvania

Overheard by: shana yo mamma

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For Some Reason, Nobody Ever Listens to Cassandra

Loud girl on cell: Don't you think he might just be settling for you because he don't have no other choice? (pause) What I mean is, he's only marrying you because he can't find no one better? (pause) This is what I'm talkin' about. You don't know nothing. He don't want to marry you. He just is cause he ain't got nothing better to do. (pause) Yes, I am serious. Don't take that tone with me. I know what I'm talkin' about!

King of Prussia, Pennsylvania

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On the Other Hand, Mocking You Is Both.

College girl #1: It was fun because it was easy.
College girl #2: Emily*, not all easy things are fun...like, I hear you're not that fun.

Borders
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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...When They Could Be Doing Porn

Guy: I saw some midgets wrestling last night. I felt really bad. Why would they do that?

Point Park University
Pittsburgh, PA

Overheard by: ZB

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So You're Much Rounder

20-something girl to another: You remind me a lot of my old boss. But she was older than you and she got hit by a dump truck.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Karen

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I Just Wanted Permanent Safe Sex.

Flamboyant guy to another: There are just some things you can't laminate.

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Kate

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Thanks to My Son, the Doctor

Large gentile man: I'm becoming a Jewish woman!

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

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Free Clinic Waiting Rooms, for Instance.

Loud woman on cell: If you're looking for a place to make friends and be sociable, you can do a lot better than AA.

Supermarket
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: the cashier

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Just Don't Expect It to Say Your Name

English professor: Make that language your bitch.

Ursinus College
Pennsylvania

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Otherwise the Natural Process Of Erosion Will Take Care Of It

Guy coming into classroom: Somebody left their bagel in the water fountain.
Girl in classroom, without looking up: It's a donut.
Guy coming into classroom: Somebody left their donut in the water fountain.
Girl in classroom: It's still wrapped, if anyone wants it.

Chestnut Hill College
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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Ever Feel Like Autistic Kids Are Just Silently Plotting the Revolution?

Counselor: What do you need Legos for?
Nine-year-old boy: To make weaponry!

Center for Autism and Emotional Support
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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I've Got Just Those Two Settings

Guy: We're cool now.
Girl: What?
Guy: I said we're cool now.
Girl: Oh, yeah, I know. That's why I smiled at you instead of slitting my throat.

Point Park University
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: ZB

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They're Right Next the Megavitamins, Which Also Don't Work

Guy: I'm not going to stop and ask someone, "excuse me, where are your ray guns?"

CVS
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: ZB

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I Always Muted the TV When President Bush Came on

Girl to guy: Do you really not know what a vagina sounds like?

Temple University
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Sean Mc

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Huh? Can't Talk. Masturbating

Professor, on last day of sex addiction class: I'm putting a website on the board for anyone who's interested in more information on how to become a certified sex addict.
(entire class cheers)
Professor: I meant "sex addiction therapist."
Student to another: He just spent a whole semester telling us that sex addiction isn't fun. Clearly we didn't catch on.

Chestnut Hill College
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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That's What My Shrink Said!

Girl: I feel like, you know, I'm, like, going out with a different guy almost every single night. You know?
Guy: Well, I think that's because you're a whore.

University of Pennsylvania

Overheard by: oh well, okay

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The Video That Should Be Shown in Driver Training

Friend #1, driving: Yeah, she'll be okay with it, she'll just be like...oh, motherfucker, I'll stab you in the face!!
Friend #2: What?
Friend #1: She'll be okay with it, though, she'll just be like...pedidle!
Friend #2: (silence)
Friend #1: What?! Did you see that car? She'll be okay with it, she'll just be like, oh...okay.

Bentleyville, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: concerned friend

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Or the Other Couple

Professor: So my kid walked in on us last night...
Student in class: Well, you gave them the talk, why not say you were wrestling or something?
Professor: Well, I have no way to explain the handcuffs.

Penn State
Altoona, Pennsylvania

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Thanks, Sharper Image!

Loud girl: And my mother said to me, "Well, I guess you're an adult now, since you have adult sex." And I was like, "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" and she was like, "I opened your cupboard." and I was thinking, "Oh shit!" because I've got a lot of shit in there. I've got porn, I've got a vibrator, a cock ring. I've got things she doesn't even know what to call them!

University of Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Alex Remnick

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But I'm Currently Putting David Hasselhoff Through a Rigorous Mentorship Program

Elderly Italian lady to store clerk, while judging jugs of wine: I'm the last of the great drinkers.

Liquor Store
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Steve

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And Together, Our Geekiness Is Unstoppable

20-something girl: If anyone ever punches me, all of the turtles in western Pennsylvania will get together, form a giant stack, and bite that person.
20-something guy: Wow. Like Voltron?
20-something girl: Why did I marry you?
20-something guy: *Because* I say things like that.
20-something girl (sighing): Yeah, you're right.

Walnut St
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

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Which Is Also What I Wrote for My Essay About the Statue Of Liberty

High school girl, ranting to friend about biology class: It's *so* annoying...I hate evolution! He goes all into the *designing* of a cell and I'm like "God created it and that's all we need to know." We don't have to go all hi-def into it!

Lancaster Mennonite HIgh School
Lancaster, Pennsylvania

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Most Cancer Patients Don't Have to Go Make Amends Afterwards, Though

Woman #1: Having alcoholism isn't like having cancer. People don't like you more for having beat it.
Woman #2: Amen.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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Otherwise It'll Just Get Made Into McNuggets

Scruffy man with garbage bag to stranger: Want to buy some chicken breast?

Blue Line Train
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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King Henry V Was Disinclined to Explain

Barber, as 23-year-old boy with bad haircut sits down into his chair: So what's with this bowl cut thing you got going on?

The Barber Shop
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Will

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And He Claimed It's Not Meant to Be Eaten Directly from the Jar

Woman in line at the bank: I am thinking about leaving him. All he does is lie to me!
Friend: Oh? Lie about what?
Woman: Well, yesterday he bought me some of that Nutella spread? He said it was chocolate, but I know for a fact that it's hazelnut!

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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First Of All, There's Hardly Any Literacism There.

Elderly man to elderly gaggle: Why's everyone wasting their time trying to raise money for Africa? Africa's a wretched country.

Max's German Restaurant
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Ladle

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Except How the Lohan Family Has Managed to Survive

Woman #1: You know what I learned the other day? Social Darwinism.
(awkward pause)
Woman #2: Really? How's that working for you?
Woman #1: Well, it sure explains a lot.

Library, Arcadia University
Glenside, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Xander

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

My Favorite Guy to Get Pregnant By Is Also Named Ricky

Skinny punk teen girl: Oh, I love lime rickeys. But my favorite drink--when I'm not pregnant--is a rum rickey.

Franklin Fountain
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: office peon

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

We Heart Zippy Unironically

Teen prep: Shell is a lot more expensive than GetGo these days. (later) I'm missing a lifetime movie right now!
Father: She's like Zippy the Pinhead!

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Shoppy

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The Way Pittsburgh Stole the Overheard Concept

Professor, about a book currently sold out at the campus bookstore: This book has been required in my class for years. All the upperclassmen have this book. Borrow it! (whispering) Steal it!

Point Park University
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: ZB

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Let's Hope It's Either Biology Class Or Comparative Media Studies

Professor, noticing student's t-shirt: What is that?
Student: A gorilla and a shark high fiving in front of an explosion.
Professor: I'm going to work that into discussion somehow.

Point Park University
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: ZB

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Yuppie Naming Conventions Apply Only to White People

Girl #1: Why the heck is her name "Brezelle"?
Girl #2: Well, she's African.
Girl #1: Oh.

Temple University, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Yeah, We Saw Your Facebook Post

Teacher: Okay, so get out your books and start doing the exercises.
Student: Can I borrow your book?
Teacher: You didn't bring your books? Man...you guys are such losers.

Philadelphia University, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Student

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The Only True Currency in Any Nursing Home

Woman on cell: She'd look sharp if she had some teeth. She's just got to go get those teeth, though!

33 Bus
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Alyson

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...Ashlee Simpson Will Never Get Her Credibility Back

Student: Would it be possible for the situation to be reversed?
Professor: Well... (talks in circles for 5 minutes) So I will say yes, but the answer is no.

Graduate Classroom
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

At McCain and Obama's Sixth Debate

Guy #1: If I had to pick between icy and creamy, I'd go with a little icy.
Guy #2: I disagree, and let me tell you why.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Emily

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Cool

Drunk girl looking at digital camera: Sometimes I'm having such a good time I look Chinese.

Saint Joseph's University
Philadelphia, PA

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Politely Schooled Her in the Art Of Saying, "Wassup, Biiiiitches?"

Girl #1: And she was like, "Hi, I'm Ashley" and stuck out her hand.
Girl #2: Did you smack her in the head? And tell her to stop talking like that?

Saint Joseph's University
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

You Can Cry Afterwards and He Can't Tell

Girl: It's not "oh, I got laid underwater." It's that I got to know the person and got close to them before I went underwater.

Psychology Class
University of Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Emily

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

She's Wrong

Teen girl to friend: She doesn't even know what she wants! She just likes to text Scott because it makes her feel pretty.

Forever 21
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

It's A Little Funny?

Father on phone to wife: No, it was at dinner, and then this drunk at the next table made a comment about our son. No. He said Josh looked like "a retarded page from the dark ages." That's not funny. (long pause) I'll schedule him for a haircut tomorrow.

Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Yeah? Shalom, Baby

Black man, approaching black woman wrapped in garments with only her eyes visible: Salam Aleikum.
Woman: I'm not Muslim, muthafucka, I'm cold!

Harrisburg, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Michael

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Do Some Real Bioengineering

Prof: Let's get down to the meat and bolts of it.

Chestnut Hill College
Philadelphia, Pennsylvaia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Nothing Feels Like Real Wood

College girl: So how do you masturbate?
Friend: I hump my desk.
College girl: Wait...really?!
Friend: Yeah, it's great. I can go from nothing to orgasm in like, 20 seconds.

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Welcome to College

Freshman guy: It's been in my mouth for almost a minute now, and I'm still not sure what it is.
Freshman girl: Scary thought, isn't it?

Dining Hall, Arcadia University
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

We'll Drive Over to the PTA Meeting Together

Middle aged woman whispering to bald man at the bar: Put on a thong and meet me outside in five.

Irish Pub
Lafayette Hill, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Or Dead-- Whichever

Elevator repair man: Hey, I got a call that someone was stuck in the elevator.
Security guard: Yeah, but I haven't heard any more noise from her in like four hours, so I guess she's fine.

Temple University
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

So Now He Must Be Punished

Four-year-old girl: What about Steven?!
Six-year-old girl: He's my new boyfriend, and I told his sister that I love him but she didn't tell him. But he's my boyfriend and he doesn't know it.

Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The Source of Her Confusion is That Her Ceiling is Covered with Postcards

Girl: Hey, how about this one? Have you heard the one about the ceiling?
Blonde: Um, no.
Girl: Oh, well never mind, it's *way* too over your head.
Blonde: No, tell me! I'm not that dumb!
Girl (shaking head): Never mind, you don't get it. Hmmm, what about the one about the postcard with no stamp? Oh, never mind, you wouldn't ever get it.
Blonde: Really, I think I could. Tell me, let me try!

Spring Grove, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

It's Not My Thing

Upset 20-something girl: I don't like things where things are things inside of things!

Drexel University
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Zywiec

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Let's See If She'll Be Trying with You After This

Cute chick in line: Oh! I want Haribo gummi bears! I need a snack to study effectively. There are lots of things I don't do effectively without snacking.
Boyfriend: Maybe you should try snacking next time we have sex. You know, maybe a little popcorn...a candy bar...
Cute chick: Are you saying my sex isn't effective? Well, maybe there won't be a next time.
Boyfriend: You know, you're not responding very well to constructive criticism. The solution is to keep trying, not to give up.

CVS
University City, Philadelphia

Overheard by: justtryingtowaitinline

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Okay, See Ya Later!

Porn-'stached scuzzball: I mean, if you ever, like, masturbated, you'd know that smell.

Robinson, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: And I Go To College With You??

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The Next Fox Game Show

Mother: Do you want to go poop on mommy's floor, or make in the potty?
Two-year-old: The potty!

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: meg

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

But Play-Doh, If Eaten, Can Become Poop

Mom to four-year-old's horrified babysitter: Poop is not play-doh. That's the lesson we learned today.

Plymouth Meeting, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Technically, I Don't Even Think I'm in That Class

Girl #1: And everyone was like, "What? This isn't what was on the study sheet! This test is unfair! We're so confused!"
Girl #2: Oh, wow. Were you confused, too?
Girl #1: No, I didn't look at the study sheet. I went downstairs and drank a bottle of wine with you.

Saint Joseph's University
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

NewsFlash: "Your Mom" Replaces "That's What She Said" As Laziest Insult

Girl: I think the live-action of GTO is so much better.
Guy: I think the live action of your mom is so much better.

Norristown, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Exactly Who Hollywood Would Cast

Woman #1: I've always wanted to go to London.
Woman #2: I've never really wanted to fly overseas, but one place I would like to go is Venice.
Woman #1: Venice? Really?
Woman #2: Yeah. But I'd like to have a nice Italian man to go with me, like Antonio Banderas.

Bloomsburg, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

If You're Forging, Try to Spell His Name Correctly This Time

Professor: No, pondering eternal truths is not a good excuse for missing my class...I'd need a signed note from god.

Lycoming College
Williamsport, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: JQ

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...Once We Took Off the Training Wheels

Psychology professor: We allowed homosexuals to do their own sex.

University of Pennsylvania
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Emily

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Next Altoona Will Give Women the Right to Vote

(in a philosophy class, the subject of "lovemaking vs. fucking" is being discussed)
Angry feminist student: Guys have it so easy! You can go out and fuck any girl you want and no one thinks any worse of you, but if a girl sleeps around she's a slut! Hell, if you somehow don't manage to nail the girl, you can just go home and masturbate. Girl's can't do that!
Female student who hadn't spoken a word all class: Pff, yes we can!

Penn State
Altoona, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: A guy in the same class

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...How's That for a Birthday Card?

Tough guy who waxes his eyebrows: Yeah, my old girlfriend was smart. She didn't let me take any pictures or videotape her while we were fucking. This new chick...if she's ever famous, I'm rich!

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

That Damn Third Commandment Always Trips Me Up

Good Catholic schoolboy to friend who just recited a really long prayer: Good job! You only missed one word. This one can be really hard and you almost got it perfect.
Bad Catholic schoolboy: God dammit! Jesus Christ, I'm never gonna get this bullshit memorized!

Goretti-Neumann High
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: lora

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

If Everyone Hates Them, Why Do They Still Exist?

Acting professor: He was a mime...son of a bitch! He and his wife were both mimes. Mimes! Mimes! Mimes!

Point Park University
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: ZB

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Long Story Short, We Got Toys, Motherfucker!

Acting professor: We just tweaked a few things to make it Christmassy and kidnapped Santa.

Point Park University
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: ZB

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Learn to Wipe, People, Learn to Wipe

Marriage and family therapy professor: If you're living, shit's happening.

Chestnut Hill College
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Mike Hunt Fights the Temptation to Change His Name

Older lady customer: Are you Chris?
Manager guy: No, I'm Mike.
Older lady customer: Are you Carl?
Manager guy: No, I'm still Mike.

Perkins Restaurant
Westfall, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Veronica @ http://everythingisused.blogspot.com/

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...Well, You Say I Never Communicate!

Teenage cart boy on cell: I'm at GIANT right now. I just have to go home and take a shit and I'll be fine.

GIANT
Lehighton, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Missy

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

She Was a Brilliant Preschool Teacher

Stewardess at gate: If everyone can have their boarding passes out and ready for me then I can make this go a lot quicker...and if you don't ask me any stupid questions that would help too, thank you! (smiles and starts scanning passes)

Flight from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

From the Long-Awaited Sequel, Dude, Where's My Conscience?

Guy on phone with friend: Yeah, but I think Tommy's grandparents died, so his house might be on for the party if his parents are out of town.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: 8 Day Charm

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Do I Question the Priest in Church?

Husband: How can women spend so much money on purses?
Wife: Shhh!

Coach Store
Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

This Happens a Lot at Hippie Sex Retreats

Drunk guy: Oh my god! Everyone in this room is so ugly!

Irish Pub
Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Jackie

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Extra Surprising When We Found Out You Were a Boy

Dumb blonde: Like that time we were at that party, and everyone was naked, and it was a surprise party!

State College, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: I bet it was a surprise, all right...

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

So You Like Admit Shooting the Sheriff, but Deny You Shot the Deputy?

High school football player #1: I'll be watching you guys from the stands today.
High school football player #2: What? Why? Did you get suspended?
High school football player #1: Yeah.
High school football player #2: Why?
High school football player #1: Cause of what I said. But I didn't pee in any helmets.

Langhorne, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Tom

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Well He Did Have Unlimited Access to Food

Teen boy: Look! There's that pink car with the fat lady again!
Teen girl: She's everywhere! She must be Jesus!

Athens, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Mateo

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Spoiled overtanned blonde: Oh my god, my ex just texted me to go fucking die. How do you spell "psycho?"

Philadelphia, Pennsyvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Mavis Returns to the Quiet Dignity Of Ice Cream

Woman to friend: I cannot even begin to tell you about the ridiculousness of yogurt.

The Gayborhood
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: inquiring mind

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Seventy-Four

Loud woman to man: How many people have you killed? Between you and me.

Center City, Philadelphia

Overheard by: keeeeem

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Yeah, But Not My Fancy Fist

Queer to date: Do you have a fist up your ass?

Center City, Philadelphia

Overheard by: keeeeem

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I've Mastered "Fabulous," But I'm Still Working on Three Snaps in Z-Formation

Construction worker #1: So, Lou, how's that gay thing going for you?
Construction worker #2: Goin' pretty good, Al, goin pretty good.

West Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: keeeeem

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Top Chef: Philadelphia Had a Whole Different Type Of Contestant

Ghetto girl: No! I'm just going to walk right up to him and be like, "your knives are in my car!"

La Salle University
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

On a Totally Unrelated Topic, Care to Come See My "Special Room"?

(Christian brother professor is chewing on the ice of his drink after lunch)
Student: Hey brother, you know what chewing ice is supposed to signify?
Brother: Yeah...sexual frustration.
Student (chuckling): Yeah.
Brother (shrugging): Occupational hazard.

LaSalle University
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Well D'uh

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

In Fact, He's Delicious

Captain on intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, just wanted to let you know the reason this flight was delayed. The plane collided with a bird upon landing. It's no big deal; it just hit a body part. The bird is okay.

Airport
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Ladle (who is skeptical about the well-being of the bird)

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I'm So Glad You Confided in Me

Frumpy middle aged woman: Excuse me, who can I talk to if I'm interested in purchasing a piece of furniture?
Employee: That would be me. How can I help you?
Frumpy middle aged woman: I'm interesting in purchasing a piece of furniture.

Furniture Store
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

But Somebody Shit in That Box

Angry college girl: It's either art or the cat!

Artsfest 2008
State College, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Kat

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

What Santa Does the Other 364 Days a Year

Guy #1, standing in front of classroom: So he walked up to me and was like, "Dude, do you want a donut?" and of course I was like, "yeah."
Guy #2: Well, yeah. I love donuts too.
Guy #1: So then he whips out this trash bag and it's filled to the top with donuts. So I took this one off the top and started eating it, and then I realized, dude! Where the hell did you get a trash bag full of donuts?
Guy #2: Woah. Where'd he go?!

Hanover, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Emmeline

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Only Because They Found the Kiddie Pool Filled with It

Girl to boyfriend: Why'd you go and tell all the guys on the fifth floor that I have some crazy fetish with lubricating foods?
Guy: I didn't say anything!
Girl: Well, they were talking about the Nutella.

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Laura G.

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Some Gay Marriage Opponents' "Slippery Slope" Arguments Are Tenuous at Best

Really tall hippie to really short girl in overalls: If that's what you think, then why can't I rape dead people?

El Campesino
Altoona, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Louise H

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Got My Own Personal Trail Of Tears Over Here

Crazy old white lady trying on wedding veil: So I always wondered why I didn't look good in these things...until 2004.
Disinterested customer: Oh?
Crazy old white lady: Yeah, then I found out I was part Native American. At least 5%.
Disinterested customer (confused): Oh...?
Crazy, old white lady: Yeah. That's why I don't look good in veils. Cause we Native Americans don't wear them.
Disinterested customer: I got married in a courthouse.
Crazy old white lady: I hate to say it since I am part white, but damn those white people!

Goodwill
Altoona, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Except Perhaps 'Thanks for Paying My Salary'

Man on street (asking for donations to a charity): You wanna donate?
Man #1: What about all the money I pay in taxes? That's a donation.
Man #2: Oh shit, I don't even know what to say to that.

16th & Chestnut
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: indigo

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

In the Sense That They Both Have Fewer Than Six Letters

Middle school boy: They could solve world hunger if they just kept cloning lots of sheep.
Friend: Aren't sheep like, tofu?

Radnor, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Or, As in This Case, at Least Come Out Even

Girl #1: I'm so high.
Girl #2: Oh, I don't do that anymore, last time I was high I gave a two-hour blow job.
Girl #1: Oh my god, did a little piece of your soul die?
Girl #2 : Not really, Jesus Christ Superstar was on in the background.
Girl #1: Oh, well, musicals make everything better.
Girl #2: Definitely.

York, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Jess

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Even Those Who Didn't Have Much in the Top Department

Girl on phone talking about going to a strip club for the first time: I mean, I really felt bad for those girls, they like, had to dance around topless!

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: What did she think strippers did?

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

e e cummings Would Go on to Fame and Fortune

Hobo, sitting next to guys on bench: And then my guys, damn birds! (mutters incoherently) Everywhere! Fucking pigeons! They eat and shit and live and shit. (mutters incoherently) Cats, and mind control, that's what we need...
(hobo gets up and rolls down the street)
Guy #1: What the fuck?
Guy #2: I think he's my hero.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...The Fifth Being My Blackberry.

Student selling pink ribbon bracelets: Professor, would you like to buy some bracelets? They're for a good cause.
Professor: Sure, I'll take five. One for each appendage.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Boogeyman: The Bitch Scares Me, Okay?

Loud woman in a bar: I thought I was going to have a nightmare, but I was disappointed.

Harrisburg, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Cecil

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

That Doesn't Involve My Grandma

Loud girl: Listen to me! I saw that hairy vagina! It was right in front of my face!
Loud guy: Can we please engage in a different conversation?

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

A Simple Misunderstanding About the Meaning of "Gearhead"

Guy to friend: So now I get text messages from her every day saying she wants to fuck on the hood of my car!

Lehigh University
Bethlehem, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Timbo

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Hmm, Yeah-- Maybe We Shouldn't Write Our Own Vows

Male student: This one time I pissed in a trash bag, and I stuck my head in there just to see how bad it would smell.
Female student: What?
Male student: It was so hot and I was like sweating.

Springside School/Chestnut Hill Academy
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: spectaculore

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Laura and Her Voice of Reason Were Eventually Driven Out of Millersville with Torches

Girl #1: She finally cleaned up the dog crap!
Girl #2: What? Her dog crapped in the house?
Girl #1: No, but it was all over the front yard. Can you imagine me trying to walk through that drunk?
Guy: I'm pretty sure that what happens when you're drunk is your responsibility. Getting trashed doesn't make stepping in dog shit someone else's fault.
Girl #1: Don't hate! Oh my god!

Millersville University
Millersville, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

It's Never "Wasted" If You're Using It on the Ones You Love

Random guy: Dudes! I just wasted 30,000 feet of caution tape!

Sheetz
Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Where Would You Find Feather Boas That Small?

Cute girl: Do you think I could make money if I started a toe burlesque?

Chambersburg, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: gidgetgirl

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Fuck Imitation, Rape Is the Sincerest Form of Flattery

Brother: How come mom drives all the way to the mall to get you but I have to take the bus home?
Sister: I don't know, I guess she thinks it isn't safe.
Brother: Oh yeah, I forgot girls are helpless.
Sister: Uh, probably because I'm more likely to get raped and beaten!
Brother: Ooooh, look at miss popular.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Bestiality Baaaad!

Art history professor: Those long ship voyages... you're looking at the sheep, the sheep's looking back at you, and "hey!"

Allegheny College
Meadville, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Do You Move When You Have Sex With Her?

Guy on phone: Does she move when you have sex with her? Maybe that's the problem.

University Park, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Bill

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

In Blood on Your Final Exam Booklets

Professor: "Annihilation." I love this word. You will see it again.

Arcadia University
Glenside, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: disturbed student

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?