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The Itchy & Scratchy Episode That Was Too Raw for The Simpsons
Young woman to small boy, loudly: Get your hands outta your pants, dude! (moments later) I said, scratch it through them!
Bus Stop
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: across the street
How Could Anything So Seedy Happen in a Place Like Beaverton?
Woman: Is this the train that goes to Portland?
Smelly guy with slur: Yeah. (pause) Do you want some company?
Woman: What?
Smelly guy with slur: Want some company?
Woman: No!
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: Bad Rabbit mAb
Categories: Offers and requests | Oregon | Public transportation | Questions | Women | Posted 2011-06-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If Men Had to Wear Thongs.
Man in fancy shirt: Oh, my butt's been hurting.
Girlfriend: Why does it hurt?
Man in fancy shirt: There's been something pokin' me all day.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Brilicia
Categories: Ass | Couples | Oregon | Questions | Sensory experiences | Posted 2011-05-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Marlon Brando's Dream Would One Day Be Realized.
Girl, pulling bills from strapless dress: Yeah! They's my stripper dollars.
Boy: Man! Sure wish I had titties!
Portland, Oregon
...In the Same Way My Slashing You with This Register Key Would Be Interesting.
Cashier: Sir, would you like to donate that one cent to breast cancer research?
Man: No... I actually think cancer is a great way of controlling population.
Cashier, frowning at him: That's interesting.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: anastasia
Categories: Employees | Maladies | Oregon | Philosophy | Questions | Posted 2011-05-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Was All, "You, Sir, Are Morelly Suspect."
Pretentious woman with boyfriend to stranger: That's interesting, because he just had a guy try to sell him fake morels.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Ken
Puberty Is Fun!
12-year-old boy, enthusiastically: I like my genitalia!
Portland, Oregon
...Ever See Crouching Vibrator, Hidden Weapon?
Teenage girl, on self defense: I think that 'bob' really works. People know I'm not messing around when they get my dildo thrown at them.
Hillsboro, Oregon
Overheard by: Hannah
That's Not a Nice Way to Talk About the Bravo Network.
Eight-year-old boy to eight-year-old girl: You have to go to college! Otherwise you'll have to work in the poop factory!
Eight-year-old girl: There's no such thing as the poop factory!
Six-year-old brother: Yes there is! Remember?
Portland, Oregon
When You Built Me That Bird-Feeder from Scratch
Sixteen-year-old blonde goth: I think I want to be a lesbian.
Teenage friend: I thought you were one.
Salem, Oregon
Overheard by: Geneva
Categories: Bringing it back to you | Gender issues | Goths | Oregon | Sexuality | Teens | Wishes | Posted 2010-12-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We Just Post Your Photo in the Breakroom and Throw Tomatoes at It.
Fundraiser on phone: So what made it a cult? (pause) No, we don't record this information.
Reed College
Portland, Oregon
Categories: On the phone | Oregon | Questions | Religion | Weirdness | Posted 2010-11-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Sir, You Have My Attention
Guy, walking on the sidewalk under row of windows: So, on the subject of vaginas...
Portland, Oregon
Categories: Creepsters | Oregon | Sexuality | Vagina | Words | Posted 2010-11-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Mom Has All the Answers
Girl on phone: Hamster ovaries? Really? I did not know that.
College
Portland, Oregon
Categories: Animals | Bimbettes | Body parts | Oregon | Questions | Posted 2010-11-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Laser Pointers Are for Girls!
Australian lecturer: Nakedness wasn't good until now. Now it's great.
College
Portland, Oregon
Categories: Advice | Body parts | Oregon | Sensory experiences | Teachers | Posted 2010-10-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Beaver + Ton = Beaverton
Man on cell, laughing: You don't need a chair! Your ass is so big you can sit on the ground! (pause, then enamored) Aw, I love that laugh. You know I wanna marry that laugh. (defensive) Why do you do that? You always do that when I try to share my feelings with you!
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: facepalm
Categories: Ass | Comebacks | Guys | On the phone | Oregon | Relationships | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2010-10-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Even the Preachers in Oregon Are Weirdly Crunchy and Alternative.
Freshman girl, emphatically to strangers: Roller derby saved my life! Roller derby saved all of our lives!
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: You've been playing for a month, shut up
Every. Single. One.
Girl: So do you just know everyone because you're... (pauses awkwardly)
Guy: Yeah. Well, everyone in New York is Jewish, so that's how I know them all.
Portland, Oregon
The BP Oil Spill? Really?
Teen girl: But let's face it: if you walk in to a porn shop handcuffed, people are going to assume that you had something to do with it.
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: nyssa
A Stripper Is Born
Middle aged lady in hospital scrubs: It's a lot of fun and great exercise.
Old toothless lady: I really admire you, I don't like to show off my fuzzy-fuzzy to just anyone.
Middle aged lady: Yeah, well, I don't either, but like I said: it's great exercise.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Karl
Categories: Ass | Compare and contrast | Medical personnel | Old folks | Oregon | Posted 2010-09-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And I'll Happily Let You Ride Me in the Water
Man on cell in grocery store: As long as you don't call me "flipper," that's okay.
Gresham, Oregon
Which Is Officially Recognized As a Sport in Texas.
Young waitress: He hit a deer on his motorcycle?! That's like... running into a horse with another horse!
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: Picture that...
Categories: Animals | Baristas | Compare and contrast | Oregon | Posted 2010-08-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It Enchants All the Men Who See It
Teenage boy: I'm so ripped my back has a six pack! Six-pack back!
Portland, Oregon
Categories: Body parts | Oregon | Teens | Weirdness | Posted 2010-08-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Threesome-Resistant Boys Are Sadly Common in Oregon
Whiny girl to female friend, showing a polka-dotted bra: Come on! I'm trying to show you my boobs!
Boy, lifting his shirt: The only boobs she wants to see are mine!
Eugene, Oregon
What Have Mom and Dad Been Telling You, Anyway?
Girl, watching painting: That's a girl, she's got those things. (points to nipples)
Boy: It's a boy! Grown-up boys have those, too. I've seen them.
Girl: It's a girl!
Boy: No, boys have them too; they just don't do as much. The girls' milk, the boys' don't.
Art Gallery
Portland, Oregon
Homophobos, One Of Mars' Moons, Duh
Girl #1: I'm a carrier for hemophilia.
Girl #2: You're homophobic? That's fucked up!
Girl #1: What the fuck are you talking about?
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: Spencer and Kevin
Categories: Gender issues | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Insults | Oregon | Posted 2010-07-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Thanks, Superglue!
Daughter: Come look at this booth, mom!
Mom: Just a second.
Daughter: Please, mom!
Mom: Ugh, I have like five things to keep track of, one of which is your two siblings.
Earth Day Celebration
Gresham, Oregon
Categories: Family | Family ties | Moms | Oregon | Parenting | Posted 2010-07-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It Takes a While to Take a Cheez Whiz
Girl in stall with open door: I got cheese on my nipples!
Girl outside stall, to passerby: Sorry.
Girl in stall, in husky voice: I got cheese between my balls.
Girl outside stall: I'm so sorry.
Girl in stall: I'm so cheesy, sometimes I melt!
Women's Restroom, Public Library
Eugene, Oregon
One Of Those Rare Days When the Sun Comes Out
Half-naked girl to clothed passerby: Whassup? It's just one of those days.
Clothed passerby: I hear ya.
Eugene, Oregon
For the Same Reason We Don't Care Who Warthogs Mate With
Daughter: You know, they should put up a warning sign at that camp. "Warning: do not hook up with each other, you are probably second cousins. You will have mutant babies."
Mother: But they're already mutants, so it's okay.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Christianne
...Steak Knives Are Much More Effective.
Mommy: Let's not attack mommy with a fork.
Salem, Oregon
Overheard by: lauraf
If It Doesn't Happen Soon, We'll Get the Sack for Sure.
Male teacher to another: Hey, I still haven't gotten those wiener cages from you.
High School
West Linn, Oregon
Overheard by: scott
Categories: Food | Oregon | Penis | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Teachers | Posted 2010-05-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
He Keeps Muttering About My Becoming Self-Supporting
Teen girl: My dad bought me an iPhone but he took it away when he found my pot. I'm so pissed.
Emo teen: You live in Portland. Either you're gay, you enjoy molesting children, or you do every drug available for free. Or all of the above. What the hell does he expect of you?
Portland, Oregon
Categories: Cell phones | Drugs | Family ties | Kids | Oregon | Sexuality | Teens | Posted 2010-05-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...And Selling Them on eBay!
Stoner #1: Hey, have you seen Jim* lately?
Stoner #2: No, man, I don't hang out with him no more.
Stoner #3: Why not?
Stoner #2: He kept stealing my Skittles!
Public Library
Eugene, Oregon
Why the Taliban Exists
Teacher: From an evolutionary perspective, what do you have more time to do if you don't need to find a mate?
Female student: Build an army!
South Eugene High School
Eugene, Oregon
The Priest Wants to Exorcissor Me
Guy with hat: Did you find out what it was?
Guy with dog: They think it's something paranormal.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Michelle Freedman
NewsFlash: Hippie Child Lives in Oregon. Film at 11.
Preschool teacher, helping girl go pee: Did you forget your underwear this morning?
Preschool girl: No, I go commando all the time!
Preschool in Oregon
Overheard by: Non-c
When the Need to Be Offensive Overcomes the Need to Get Laid
Short boy, yelling inches away from short girl's face: We should hang out!
Short girl: (walks away silently)
Tall boy, laughing: Dude!
High School
Eugene, Oregon
Categories: Girls | Guys | Offers and requests | Oregon | Relationships | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Weirdness | Posted 2010-03-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Teenage Boys Live in Fear That Gayness Will Stage a Surprise Attack
Boy holding slinky: I feel weird.
Boy holding other end: It's okay. We've got a slinky!
High School
Eugene, Oregon
Being American, in a Nutshell.
Conductor: Everybody please be patient, we have an obstruction on the tracks. Police are working to clear it, we will continue as soon as they finish.
Young suit: We're in a 55-ton battering ram, why did we even stop?
MAX Rail
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Ram Das
Categories: Conductors | Oregon | Public Transportation | Questions | Suits | Train | Posted 2010-02-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Your Parole Officer, Sir.
Man on cell: I'll see you then. You have a sexy voice... It's nice!
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: ktjane
Categories: Compliments | Guys | On the phone | Oregon | Sexuality | Posted 2010-02-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Larry Is a Girl?
College student #1: Larry's rug is a trap!
College student #2: Her rug has a penis?
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Larissa
Jo Introduces Herself to Blair for the First Time
College student to roommate: My family heirloom is a neon beer light. And a coffee mug.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Larissa
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Family ties | Food | Oregon | Students | Posted 2010-01-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Regardless, It Fills Us Up.
Girl: I've always wanted to try their maple bacon bar, but I either don't have enough cash, or I'm with someone and we usually either get the baker's dozen... or a penis.
Doughnut Store
Portland, Oregon
We Always Thought They Went to Smith
Girl, entering the library with a large phallic diorama: People! Where do the vaginas go?
Public Library
Eugene, Oregon
How Far Will This Bus Token Get Me?
Old lady to female bus driver: I need to get laid.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: exactly
Categories: Bus | Bus drivers | Old folks | Oregon | Public Transportation | Sex | Wishes | Women | Posted 2009-11-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
..."The Lord" to You Christians and Jews
Teacher, lecturing on post WWII German artwork: Creepy sneaky guy is watching you!
History Class
Eugene, Oregon
How the Farmers' Market Got Rated NC-17
Lady to friend: I don't care that it's a squash, it's still inappropriate... legs spread everywhere.
Farmers' Market
Oregon
Overheard by: Shea
Spencer Pratt Has That Effect on a Lot Of People
Frustrated professor: I wanted to go back and eat my own flesh.
Portland, Oregon
That's Not the Jesus Story I've Heard
Greenpeace guy: It's never good to idolize someone who died hanging himself and jerking off.
Oregon State University
Overheard by: David
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Death & dying | Guys | Masturbation | Oregon | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2009-09-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Traditional Women Expect a High Return on Their Investment
20-something artist: She's pretty puritanical for someone who gets naked for money.
Portland, Oregon
Reader Poll: Is This Racist?
Girl: Promise me you won't fall in love with a Mexican while you're gone and leave me forever.
Boy: You're so racist sometimes.
Girl: I can't help it!
International Airport
Portland, Oregon
And She Says Yes
Quirky college student: You know it's love when you ask "please, can I suck your dick?"
Friend: Word.
Willamette University
Salem, Oregon
Categories: BJs | Colleges & Universities | Feelings | Offers and requests | Oregon | Penis | Students | Posted 2009-09-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Salem's Kind Of a Dead Town
Gay hairdresser: Ew, I don't think I could handle seeing dead people all gross and stuff!
Teenage girl getting haircut: You know, it's really not that bad... I kinda like it!
Straight hairdresser: Working downtown scares me sometimes...
Salem, Oregon
Categories: Clients | Compare and contrast | Coworkers | Death & dying | Fears | Oregon | Queers | Teens | Posted 2009-08-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ad: Duct Tape-- Is There Nothing It Can't Do?
Girl #1: Eww!
Girl #2: Oh, what? You can talk about your abortion, but I can't talk about warts?
Ashland, Oregon
Overheard by: crystal
Categories: Abortion | Compare and contrast | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Oregon | Posted 2009-08-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Portland Boasts a Rich Frottage Subculture
Boyfriend: Ow! Stop twisting my mole.
Girlfriend, singing quietly to herself: Looking for rub in all the wrong places.
MAX Train
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Amy Achterman
Categories: Body parts | Couples | Oregon | Relationships | Singing | Train | Posted 2009-08-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
One Of These Days I'm Gonna Explode
Girl to friend: I ooze talent, like a pimple oozes pus.
Corvallis, Oregon
Categories: Compare and contrast | Friends | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Maladies | Oregon | Posted 2009-08-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Judging from What I've Seen on YouTube
Teen daughter: Mom, what does an orgasm feel like?
Mom, looking at older daughter: Ask your sister, she'd probably know better than I would.
Portland, Oregon
Being a Bank Teller Rocks!
Guy to woman sitting down: The really great thing is that you'll never have to wear pants again!
Portland, Oregon
I Embraced Your Principles and Your Boyfriend
Teen girl #1: We're the same person.
Teen girl #2: You have syphilis.
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: nyssa
Lonely Old People Will Answer to Anything
Boy, to teenage girl: Hi, Lisa.
Old man, entering: Hi.
Cafe
Eugene, Oregon
Gay Babies May Fail to Grasp the Point
Mom with eight-month-old to other parents with small child: Yeah, I've already told his dad he's going to have to give him some sort of remedial breast lessons when he's older...he's bad with the boobies.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Raina
For Example, They Blush When You Cook 'em
Sweaty guy: Lobsters are self-aware, man.
(friend #1 and friend #2 nod in agreement)
Sweaty guy: Yeah, I used to work in this restaurant, and we'd make this lobster soup every day. I'd put one lobster on the counter and one in the boiling water. Dude, as soon as the first lobster hit the water, his buddy would start freaking out. He would put his claws up, like he was pleading for his life.
Friend #1: Yeah, they're smart. My friend's family had a pet lobster. He'd eat with them and everything.
Friend #2: Like on The Simpsons!
Sweaty guy, to himself: Lobsters are self-aware. Crabs, they don't give a shit, but lobsters? They're self-aware.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Karl
Categories: Animals | Compare and contrast | Death & dying | Food | Friends | Guys | Oregon | Stupidity | TV shows | Posted 2009-07-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Tonight's Movie: How I Got Into Community College
Girl, exiting SAT test: So how'd it go?
Friend, excitedly: I drew a bunny!
SAT Testing Center
Eugene, Oregon
Sigh. You Guys Are So Predictable.
Comic book artist: Is the word "stab" or "poink" best for a dog nose being inserted into someone's butt?
Group of coworkers in unison, very serious: "Poink," definitely.
Portland, Oregon
If Nothing Else, Straight Dudes Know How to Potty.
Angry guy: No! We're going to go to the fucking pisser, and then we're going to leave!
(both start towards the bathroom).
Friend: Wait, I don't have to piss, why am I coming with you?
Angry guy: Fuck you, man!
Friend: Seriously, why do you fucking need my help?
Medford, Oregon
How Does Your Mom Find That Out?
Girl to guy she just met: My mom found out I had been having anal sex. She kept repeating "that's an exit, not an entrance." I told her how much fun it was, and that she should try it.
University of Oregon
Categories: Advice | Backdoor | Colleges & Universities | Default | Family ties | Girls | Oregon | Posted 2009-06-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When I Went Into Insulin Shock, the Joke Was on Her!
Loud fat man on bus: When I first found out I had diabetes, I had my wife go out and buy me a big case of pudding cups. I opened each one up and poured them into a tub with some milk.
Friend: Oh?
Loud fat man on bus: My mother-in-law didn't believe I could eat it, but I sat down in front of her and drank the whole thing, just to spite her.
Portland, Oregon
Categories: Default | Drinking & drunks | Family ties | Fat people | Food | Guys | Maladies | Offers and requests | Oregon | Posted 2009-05-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Thanks to Oregon's No-Fault Dumpster Law
Girl #1: My tampon just fell out when I ran across the street. Great...how's it gonna be when I have a baby?
Girl #2: What? Tampons and babies go in the same place?
Girl #3: Yeah, the garbage disposal.
Girls #1 and #2: What?
Girl #3: I meant the dumpster.
Portland, Oregon
Jeez, You're So Literal
Woman, holding up holiday card: This card is perfect! It says exactly what I want! (reads typical greeting card poem)
Man: Wow, it really says that?
Woman: Well, I made part of it up.
Fred Meyer Store
Oregon
Last Time, the Gods Were Not Happy When We Sacrificed a Slut
Ditzy girl: I was so scared! Like, really, really scared. I was like: "please be a virgin, please be a virgin!"
Eugene, Oregon
She Wasn't Well Bread
Drunk guy to friend: I didn't respect her because she didn't respect the sandwich.
Scooter's Bar
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Kate
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Compare and contrast | Default | Drunks | Food | Guys | Oregon | Relationships | Posted 2009-04-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Judging by the Pampered, Fat-Faced Look Of You
College tour guide, passing crying student: College is hard. You will cry.
Willamette University
Salem, Oregon
Pepperidge Farm's Goyfish Snack Socks Kinda Missed the Boat
Obnoxious teenage boy: No, that guy's really weird. I mean, did you hear what he did last year?
Friends: No.
Obnoxious teenage boy: He took a slice of cheese and two pieces of ham. Then he got a pair of socks and he put them in an aquarium...
Eugene, Oregon
I Will Now Lift a Piano Without Using My Hands
60-something female professor: Boys, you don't have this problem, but girls: always do your Kegels, especially after you have a baby.
Willamette University
Salem, Oregon
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Family ties | Oregon | Teachers | Women | Posted 2009-03-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You're Not Allowed to Desire Anything
Dude on streetcar: Anybody on the bus got a newspaper?
Friend: Dude, this is a streetcar.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Glad this town has transit options
Aren't You Glad We Can Talk Like This?
Girl #1: So, during history I was blowing bubbles with my gum and...
Girl #2: Who's bubbles?
Girl #1 (continuing, uninterrupted): I got it all over my glasses just as my history teacher looks at me! He just stood up there laughing for a good five minutes, and no one knew what he was laughing at because I managed to get it back in my mouth before anyone could see.
Girl #2: Wait, what?
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: nyssa
And Not Knowing When Is the Most Fun Of All
Completely calm girl: We're all gonna die.
Happy girl, laughing: It's true!
Eugene, Oregon
Categories: Compare and contrast | Death & dying | Default | Girls | Happiness | Oregon | Weirdness | Posted 2009-03-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Like the Sex-Ed DVD Abortion: Delicious, but Deadly
Female college student eating grapes: Look, it's a baby grape. And this one is like a grape fetus.
Roommate: What? Are there flavored fetuses?
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Larissa
It's An Inevitable Result For Those In the Mathematical Professions
Math professor, after reading from textbook: I just lost all interest in life.
Portland, Oregon
I Don't Judge-- As Long As She Tips
Waiter: Table for three?
Middle aged woman: No, four. I know we look like three but...
Waiter: No, I get it. Imaginary friend.
Tasty Thai
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: nyssa
Categories: Default | Employees | Food | Offers and requests | Oregon | Questions | Restaurants | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2009-03-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Repent and Be Born Again Of Pepsi and the Spirit
Mom to cashier: And we'll have a water.
Little girl: But I want Pepsi!
Mom: We're getting water Pepsi!
Little girl: Yaaaaay!
Mom, winking at amused cashier: When you have kids of your own, water Pepsi is the greatest invention ever.
Medford, Oregon
Native Americans: Hey!
Random hobo: Curse your pagan gods.
Portland, Oregon
Its Barq's Is Worse Than Its Bite
Girl in bathroom: Fuck! My pussy smells like root beer!
BJ's
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: nyssa
Categories: Default | Drinking & drunks | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Oregon | Vagina | Weirdness | Posted 2009-02-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Your Editors' Gumdrop Field Tests Have Been Inconclusive
Bus driver: Folks, this just in from the weather service, I just thought I'd pass it along to you all. Don't let all these clouds fool you, there's a high heat warning in effect for Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, gumdrops, and...snow cones, so if you have any of those items, you'd better keep them inside. That's all.
Bus #17
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: The Redhead
By the End Of This Class, You'll Be Able to Open Them With Your Penis
Peer-taught health class leader: Do not open condoms with a knife.
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: nyssa
The Large Group Ones Are a Logistical Nightmare
Peer-taught health class leader: Small group condom practice! Wooot!
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: nyssa
...It's How Study You Are
History teacher: The thing about school is, it's not how hard you smart.
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: nyssa
It Had a Face and the Face Looked at Me
Mom: Did you see his armpit?
Teen daughter: No. (pause) Oh, I saw it!
Mom: See? See?
Portland, Oregon
And I Had Seventeen Ping Pong Balls Ready for Exvagination
Nurse #1: How was your weekend?
Nurse #2: It was great, except Heather* got kind of wild. I mean I've never seen anyone be...first drink they're fine, second drink they're fine, third drink they're naked and pole dancing.
Nurse #1, shaking head: Wow.
Nurse #2: Yeah, it was probably a mistake to go drinking at the bar she used to work at.
Heather*: I don't remember any of it, but when I got home my bra was filled with twenties.
Albany General Hospital
Albany, Oregon
Categories: Clothes | Default | Drinking & drunks | Jobs & Careers | Money | Nurses | Oregon | Women | Posted 2009-01-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But I Will
Teen gay guy: Hey, do you ever color your nipples?
Teen girl: Huh?
Teen gay guy: When you get bored you, don't take a Sharpie and color your nipples? (pulls up shirt and points) See, this one's pink and this one's blue.
Teen girl: Um...no, I don't.
Oregon
Overheard by: nyssa
"Why'd You Come As Yourself,?" They Said
Old woman on bus: I have a skirt like that.
Young professional woman: Really?
Old woman: I can't wear it. I can't wear skirts that short. I'm too old.
Young professional: Oh.
Old woman: But it cost a lot, so I wore it as a halloween costume.
Young professional: Really.
Old woman: Everyone thought I was a hooker.
Portland, Oregon
Only If Mom Stops Using the Cucumber For...You Know.
Father to four-year-old: Stop spanking the eggplant!
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Kay
...Before We Said Our Vows
Guy to ex-wife (about drunkenness): Yeah, the best time was at that wedding when you started drinking down those cinnamon things, and flashed that guy.
Oakland, Oregon
Overheard by: Erin
Why Hippies So Often Make Millions... Oh, Wait
Hippie, addressing group: If you can get you guitar to play music at the same frequency as telepathy, you'll make millions!
Portland, Oregon
It's the Guardian of Our Collective Chastity
Girl on cell: Why are you going to the gynecologist? (pause) Everybody has discharge!
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: CoRri
The Peer Pressure Is Overwhelming
Lady at diner: Here's a tip if you're driving on the Northbound Freeway: Be driving north!
Portland, Oregon
Riverdale Hasn't Been the Same Since Archie Went Off the Rails
Teenage girl #1: I mean, what's the point of dating an ugly, short, junior with herpes and acne if he doesn't even have his learner's permit?
Teenage girl #2: Shut up and eat.
Shari's Restaurant
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: Claire
Categories: Age and ageing | Beauty | Default | Girls | Offers and requests | Oregon | Questions | Relationships | Restaurants | STDs | Teens | Posted 2008-10-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The One It Was So Easy It Was a Piece Of?
Guy to girlfriend: And after that, I was just done. It took the icing on the cake...or whatever.
Girlfriend: What cake?
Aloha Highschool
Oregon
Or Sam's Club, the All-S&M Warehouse
Girlfriend, after guy has smacked her butt: This isn't Wal-Mart!
Target
Salem, Oregon
Unless Waxing's Part of It
Girl #1: Isn't there a saying about ripping off a band-aid?
Girl #2: Yes, but I don't think that applies to sex.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Vidarella
She Was Also Fantastic at Hiding in Attics
Girl: Do you know who Helen Keller is?
Guy: No.
Girl: Well, she was blind, deaf, and something else...
Guy: Dumb?
Girl: No, she was quite intelligent actually, but I think she could smell.
Corvallis, Oregon
What Kind of Landlady Makes Bandana-Wearing a Lease Requirement?
Girl on cell: So, did I tell you? I got fired from my job. (pause) Yeah, I guess I'm not a very good gay and lesbian promoter. (pause) Well I'm not gay, so maybe that had something to do with it. (pause) Oh, didn't you hear? I got kicked out of my apartment last week, too. (pause) Yeah, it's gay.
Redline MAX
Portland, OR
Overheard by: Gus
Categories: Default | Girls | Jobs & Careers | On the phone | Oregon | Public transportation | Questions | Sexuality | Posted 2008-09-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
With the Confucianism on the Side
Yoga lady: I mean, really: just give me the Eskimo sex, not the cannibalism.
Powell's Bookstore
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: kate
Strangely Less Inappropriate
Bro #1: You were about to make fun of a girl who was missing a hand!
Bro #2 (defensively): An arm!
Rogue Valley Mall
Medford, Oregon
"Thank You, Brother Fish, for Feeding Me," I Said
Hipster to buddies: Look, all I'm saying is, that fish made me feel so special.
Stumptown Coffee
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Addison
They're Instant YouTube Celebrities
Little boy (chanting loudly): My penis and my butt! My penis and my butt! My penis and my butt, butt, butt, butt, butt!
Little girl: But I don't have a penis.
Both: My vagina and my butt! My vagina and my butt...
Ashland, Oregon
Overheard by: Kelly
Trust Me-- I Know My Teletubbies
Guy on cell: I told you... the orange ones are hermaphroditic and the purple ones are sterile.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: piruqsiviliriji
Categories: Default | Guys | On the phone | Oregon | Weirdness | Posted 2008-07-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Sure Your Vagina Is Purple for a Pefectly Innocuous Reason
Guy: Well, do you have lots of unprotected sex with anonymous men?
Girl: I don't think so.
Guy: (pause) Well, you're probably safe then.
Southern Oregon University
Overheard by: Kayli
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Girls | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Oregon | Questions | STDs | Sex | Posted 2008-07-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
My Partner, Paul, Is As Dumbfounded As I Am
Disgruntled dad-to-be: I wish I could sue the urologist, but it is what it is. So now I'm having a son. Whatever.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Glad he's not my Dad
...When Sinking Your Opponent's Battleship
Teenage to friends: My dad says it's only gay if you make eye contact.
Lacomb, Oregon
Overheard by: lalenalynn
Categories: Body parts | Default | Friends | Oregon | Sensory experiences | Sexuality | Teens | Posted 2008-06-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Assume That Means a General Lack of Randiness
Girl: What about her? She's cute.
Guy: Yeah... but her boobs are small.
Girl: What's wrong with small boobs anyway?
Guy: They're... not... big.
Restaurant, Oregon
Categories: Beauty | Body parts | Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Guys | Oregon | Questions | Restaurants | Posted 2008-06-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Well Obviously
Film professor: Apparently in the 1970s the devil came to earth with the intention of occupying small women.
Corvallis, Oregon
Overheard by: David
Well He Was French
Philosophy professor: Whatever you do guys, you can't let Descartes come through the back door!
Students: [Laugh hysterically.]
Philosophy professor: It's not funny! Descartes always tries to come through the back door!
University of Portland
Oregon
Overheard by: B Student
Even We Winced at This One
Man #1: So she looks up at me with this, look, right? And she grips my dick real hard and then gets this terrified look as she picks it off on my pubes...
Man #2: Oh, dude, I'm gonna vomit.
Man #1: It was a fucking dingleberry. And it wasn't mine, dude.
Gym
Oregon
Your Editors Are Still Giggling about "Beaverton"
Little boy holding a dog leash: OK, I'll be the dog and you be the owner.
Little girl: OK!
Little boy: No, wait, you be the dog and I'll be the owner.
Little girl: Don't even *think* about it!
Beaverton, Oregon
Here, Have Some Incense and Peppermints
Hippie guy: I suggest you stop picking up small animals and fruit skins. It's not good for you.
Eugene, Oregon
And She Washes and Folds My Spiderman Underwear
Dude: It's not that I live with my mom, it's that my mom is my roommate...
Salem, Oregon
Overheard by: Sarah
And That One Didn't Measure Up to My Standards
Chick #1: Ewww!
Chick #2: It wasn't me! I take responsibility for all of my actions, including farts.
Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com
Overheard by: martin
Categories: Airports & flights | Burping & farting | Default | Girls | Gripes | Oregon | Posted 2008-03-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Good Thing "Shut Up, You Cow" Is Easy to Convey with Body Language
Large white lady to small Mexican husband: I'm bleeding. [Pokes hubby, who ignores her.] Heyyy, I'm bleeding from my neck! Don't you care?! [Hubby puts headphones on and looks out window.] I wish I knew you didn't speak English before I married you!
Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com
Overheard by: corwin
Categories: Airports & flights | Assholes | Default | Fat people | Gripes | Health & Hygiene | Language barrier | Oregon | Overheard in PDX | Women | Posted 2008-03-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Anyone Who's Seen Se7en?
Student: Who doesn't want to blow up a fat man before they die?
Ethics class, Oregon State University
Corvallis, Oregon
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Death & dying | Default | Diet & weight | Oregon | Questions | Students | Violence | Posted 2008-03-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Used to Think It Was Sad, but Now I Can Laugh about It
Dude: I may be bipolar, but she's fucking crazy!
650 NE Holladay Street
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Too Many Papercuts
Categories: Default | Gripes | Guys | Mental illnesses | Oregon | Posted 2008-03-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Don't Trust Skinny People with Your Food
Skinny guy #1: I'm thinking our restaurant should have, like, taxidermied animals and tomato plants and stuff.
Skinny guy #2: Way cool!
Skinny guy #1: That way it could be like a museum of natural history full of the things people are eating, living or dead.
Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com
Overheard by: rich
Categories: Airports & flights | Animals | Default | Food | Guys | Oregon | Overheard in PDX | Skinny people | Wishes | Posted 2008-03-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why Do You Always Have to Add That?
Guy #1, leaving the bar: I'll see you later.
Guy #2, still nursing his drink: Yeah, if I don't die first.
Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com
Overheard by: molly
Categories: Airports & flights | Comebacks | Death & dying | Default | Guys | Oregon | Overheard in PDX | Time Management | Posted 2008-03-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Like to Give It the Appearance of Fullness
Hot Asian girl to friend: Well, it was great talking to you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go stick a wad of cotton in my vagina.
Oregon State University
Corvallis, Oregon
Categories: Asians | Health & Hygiene | Oregon | Posted 2008-02-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Like Your Father Needs More Encouragement to Be Flatulent
Little boy: Mommy! I want to get my daddy this card!
Mother: But honey, you don't know what that means.
Little boy: Yes, I do! I do!
Mother: Okay, what does it mean?
Little boy: Pull my finger. It means... pull my finger! That's what you do, right? You pull the monkey's finger.
Mother: Um... Honey, you don't know what that means. Here, why don't you give Daddy this other card instead?
Little boy, crying: No! I do know what it means. I want to get my daddy this card! He would like it!
Mother, sighing: Okay, fine... But you don't know what it means.
Little boy, happily: My daddy is really going to like this card! I just know it!
Fred Meyer
Springfield, Oregon
B-R-I-T-N-E-Y
Little boy #1, reading flap on trash can: T-H-A-N-K-Y-O-U spells... um... Garbage!
Little boy #2, hitting boy #1: No, you dummy! Garbage starts with a 'B'!
Burger King
Grants Pass, Oregon
But I'm Willing to Share
Three-year-old girl, cheerily scratching at rash: I have excema!
Crowded train
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Eggs
Categories: Maladies | Oregon | Should have used a condom | Posted 2008-01-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
A Nice Change from My Standard Rape-Murder Fantasy
Awkward guy to girl: Sometimes I pretend you are my child... And man, are you cute!
Eugene, Oregon
Categories: Creepsters | Gossip | Oregon | Posted 2008-01-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
To Avoid Any Unseemly Sexual Desire
Man: Yeah, we're getting married as soon as she gets her ovaries removed.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Steve
Categories: Body parts | Gossip | Guys | Oregon | Posted 2007-12-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Thanks to the Child Labor Laws
Little boy running from price scanner: Mom, my hand's not for sale!
Target, 2255 14th Avenue SE
Albany, Oregon
Overheard by: Miranda
You'll Forget All about What You Wore in the '80s
Jovial woman on cell: So, when the Alzheimer's sets in, this'll all work out for you in the end!
Grocery store
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Eggson
Categories: Happiness | On the phone | Oregon | Posted 2007-12-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
She's Not Even My Real Mom -- She Won Me in a Poker Game
Six-year-old soccer player #1: It's about having fun! It's not all about winning.
Six-year-old soccer player #2: My mom says it is.
Lincoln City, Oregon
Even Hallucinations Need Veterinary Care
Hobo holding up stuffed glove: ... And now the mitten is having babies... And the liquid is starting to come out...
Ashland, Oregon
Overheard by: Karrie
But Otherwise Quite Civilized
Dude: Is it okay if I bring her to the party this evening? She's a Republican.
Bookstore
Florence, Oregon
Or Swaying Slightly Until I'm Fatigued
Fat guy wearing velour muumuu top: I don't have a wife or kids to support, so I don't feel a burning need to earn an income. I can focus on what feels healthy, what makes me happy... Like dancing.
Coffee shop
Portland, Oregon
Categories: Fat people | Oregon | Philosophy | Posted 2007-10-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You're the Worst Math Teacher Ever
Latina: You ride me too hard! You hurt my vagina bone muscle.
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: Inside thought...
How We Feel about Everything West of New York
Man to wife, thoughtfully: Everything south of San Francisco could just... just fall into the water, and it wouldn't really matter.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Catherine
To Me It's Just Another Thing I Have to Clean
Dude: Have you ever masturbated?
Chick: Uh... No...
Dude: Seriously? To me that's like... like standing in front of a house of cards for, like, 18 years and just never being like, 'I'm going to tip that shit over.'
Eugene, Oregon
Categories: Girls | Gripes | Guys | Masturbation | Oregon | Time Management | Posted 2007-08-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
So He Sends Other Stones to Fight in Iraq
Bitter guy: Men and women are like stones in a river that lived next to each other for a long time... But one of the stones is a stupid confused idiot who doesn't ever want to be happy or for any stones anywhere to be freaking happy.
Eugene, Oregon
Quite The Contrary
Hoochie to another: Just because you're a slut doesn't mean you have dibbs!
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Michelle
Categories: Hoochies | Oregon | Philosophy | Posted 2007-08-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How Hanes Put Me through Grad School
Girl to friend: Yeah, the few times I've sold my underwear it was always the cheapest pair that sold for the most.
NW 23rd Avenue
Portland, Oregon
I Leave the Details to My Subordinates
Girl on cell: What do you want? I'm in a fucking dressing room... Oh yeah, I guess there was a stabbing earlier... What? It's not like I was the one stabbing people!
1576 NE Halsey
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: really?
Categories: North America | On the phone | Oregon | Stores | USA | Violence | Posted 2007-06-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Now Give Your Brother CPR While I Call an Ambulance
Mom to daughter: See? That's why we don't laugh in this family -- you go and suffocate on your own vomit!
Portland, Oregon
They Told Him to Burn Things
Teen girl: He was lying on my boobs and he said he could hear them talking.
Salem Center Mall
Salem, Oregon
Overheard by: Tess Miller
