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Mom doing magazine quiz to teenage sons: Spanish can't be one of the world's top languages. The only Spanish-speaking country is Mexico.
Cincinnati, Ohio
Cashier: You're all set?
Man: (places Steal This Book on the counter)
Cashier, seeing title of book: Pussy!
Barnes & Noble
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: fionasputnik
Obviously-not-18-year-old girl, handing man money: Go get me a pack of Camels number nine, please.
20-something man: Are you serious? They're going to think I'm fruity. (walks into store, immediately walks back out) I can't buy them. That girl is working.
Obviously-not-18-year-old girl: I'm sorry, would you like me to buy Marlboro Reds? That's a manlier cigarette.
20-something man: That'd be great. (goes back in and returns with Marlboro Reds): Sorry about that. Uh, if I don't get my type of cigarettes then I think they'd get suspicious.
Obviously-not-18-year-old girl: You don't even smoke.
Akron, Ohio
Drunk 20-something, yelling in a crowd: Because I am a grad student and I don't do anything!
Older woman: You know there are some attractive young men over by the band.
Drunk 20-something: Well, I do do that.
Cincinnati, Ohio
Daughter: You don't remember his mom?
Mother: Not the one with the cool back hair.
Canton, Ohio
Overheard by: Kaylah
Loud 40-something suit on cell: Yeah, let's sit around smoking ganja on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, and you can teach me Swahili.
Giant Eagle Grocery
Medina, Ohio
Guy #1: So I sent her a picture of my junk.
Guy #2: Right.
Guy #1: Problem solved.
Sandusky, Ohio
Very loud drunk woman: No, I don't shoot darts, but I'm good at stabbin' people!
Fairborn, Ohio
Overheard by: Monika
Ditzy blond: How many girls have you seen down there!
Ditzy guy with ditzy blond: Tons! Like, so many! (pause) Oh, okay! Fine! Six.
Great American Ball Park
Cincinnati, Ohio
Woman to man: She fucked the lobster?
Cincinnati, Ohio
30-something dude: I didn't circumcise my son.
20-something dude #1: Are you circumcised?
20-something dude #2: Woah!
Cincinnati, Ohio
Professor: We are going to talk about tea rooms. Which involve no tea. Unless by "tea," you mean "cock."
Columbus,Ohio
Overheard by: Em
Teen gangsta wannabe yelling to small boy on playground: No, I wasn't, I don't smoke! He was just transferring the smoke to my mouth! (pause) Never mind! I'm not gay!
Park
Cincinnati, Ohio
Fine arts teacher: Michelangelo and Donatello. They were both brilliant, they were both homosexual, they were both... Both...
Girl: Ninja turtles!
Ohio
Teen girl to teen boy: But you can't play spin the bottle with a box of wine!
Giant Eagle
Parma, Ohio
Overheard by: Tmoore
Woman on cell in department store: She's probably trading food for underwear.
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Leslie
Son: Mom, can we get something?
Mom: No.
Son: Can we get some Life Savers?
Mom: No.
(son walks over with five Hershey bars)
Son: These?
Mother: No. And if I bought them, I'd eat them all in front of you.
Rocky River, Ohio
Overheard by: Beanah
Dumb brunette #1: Well, he likes Sarah and Matt...
Dumb brunette #2: They don't count, everyone likes them!
Dumb brunette #1: Well, my boyfriend doesn't like any of my friends, then. I don't really like any of my friends.
Smart, older blonde walking by: Well, dear, there's a simple solution to that.
Dumb brunette #1: Oh? What is it?
University Library, Kent State
Kent, Ohio
Brunette: And then he called me back ten minutes later and told me his brother got his girlfriend pregnant, and she's like sixteen or something.
Blonde: Is he mad his brother and his girlfriend hooked up?
Brunette: He's got more serious issues dating a child and shit.
Kent State University
Kent, Ohio
Four-year-old girl, playing with dinosaurs: Today is the best day ever to eat people!
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Miss Ann
Girlfriend to boyfriend: Aww... I love you.
Boyfriend: Thanks, buddy!
Girlfriend: What?
Boyfriend: I kinda like you too!
Girlfriend: I can't believe you. (to another girl) Can you believe that?
Kent, Ohio
Angry boyfriend: I'm not off gallivanting around town!
Girlfriend: (indistinct mumbles)
Angry boyfriend: I don't hang out with anyone!
Girlfriend: (more mumbles)
Angry boyfriend: I'll just lie to you from now on.
Kent, Ohio
Queer: I told you they wouldn't have nipple stars!
Girl: Why the hell would they not have nipple stars? It's a hot topic, they should have nipple stars!
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Shopper
Black teen girl to friend: He was like "you're so high you don't even know what to do!" and I was like "nigga, this ain't the first time I smoked!"
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Hancock
Brunette: Are you getting him something for Christmas?
Blonde: Why would I?
Brunette: I don't know, I thought you were close!
Blonde: Christmas present? He's Jewish!
Brunette: Ohhhh.
Kent State University
Kent, Ohio
Chick on cell: There's withholding sex, and then there's withholding French fries.
Cleveland, Ohio
Professor: So, basically god has to suppress the gag reflex when he looks at you; but it's okay because he loves you anyway.
University of Akron
Akron, Ohio
Overheard by: Rebecca
Library worker girl: That's a cute bag.
Library worker girl with clear purse: Thanks!
Boss man: But then everyone can see everything you have!
Library worker girl with clear purse: It's not like I got a gun or anything... I can always hide things between the books...
Library worker girl: Like your gun?
Kent State University Library
Kent, Ohio
Girl: Oh my god, I love their deep-fried mac and cheese balls!
Boy: I got some fried mac and cheese balls for you.
Girl: Tommy, if you tried to dip your balls in a deep fryer, they would probably fall off.
Boy: No they wouldn't.
Waiter, passing by quickly: Yes they would!
Cheesecake Factory
Kettering, Ohio
Girl on cell inside convenience store: Why the hell did she get it under her titty? Ain't nobody gonna see it under her titty!
Bowling Green, Ohio
Worldly hipster: Do you drink?
Very naive girl: No, tried it once, didn't like the taste.
Worldly hipster: Do you like tea?
Very naive girl: Yes.
Worldly hipster: Good, then you'll like beer.
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: The RJP
Five-year-old boy, calling to mother in bathroom stall: Mom, we need to talk about something.
Mom: Can it wait?
Five-year-old boy: No.
Mom: What is it?
Five-year-old boy: I need more credit. You don't give me enough credit for the things I do, and my feathers are simply getting ruffled by this.
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Laughing
Guy in courtyard: Areolas! Areolas! Areolas! Aaaareeeeoooolaaaas! Areolas! Areolas!
Voice from window: What the fuck?
Guy: Areolas!
Kent, Ohio
Grandmother to granddaughter: Who knows? I might become a lesbian!
Arlington, Ohio
Professor, exasperated: Don't you guys know anything about education in Sweden? Or anything about Sweden at all?
Physical education major: Yeah, that's where we get those Swiss Army knives.
Education Class
Ohio State University
Overheard by: i can't believe these people are going to be teachers...
Woman, showing friend around: And this skyline is where I had my first pregnancy test. It was negative.
Ludlow
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Alison
Friend to another: Then he dropped the f-bomb of god!
Cleveland, Ohio
Big, sweaty man: No, you need to stay offa that Facebook, offa that MySpace, because when they need evidence, that's where they look first.
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: slightly suspicious
Dumb Girl #1: I feel like I'm suffocating!
Dumb girl #2: Why? What's wrong?
Dumb girl #1: It's just too much! There's vagina everywhere!
High School
Genoa, Ohio
Overheard by: Tricia Rae
Girl navigating display tables during Culture Day event at school: I hate cultures.
Columbus, Ohio
Girl #1: Girl, I am pregnant.
Girl #2: Do you know who the daddy is?
Girl #1: No!
Girl #2: Girl, my doctor told me that when I sleep with a man, to write it on the calendar, so if I get pregnant they can try to find the daddy!
Elevator, Columbus State Community College
Columbus, Ohio
Teen girl to friend: You know what I wanna do? Smoke a joint rolled in a page from the bible.
McDonald's
Ohio
Overheard by: Dylan
Four-year-old in shopping cart: Yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda! (repeated over and over)
Mom: Stop that! Stop saying that!
Four-year-old: (continues)
Mom: You don't even know what that means! Just because you don't know what something means doesn't mean you can just repeat it like that. (turns to man behind her in line) I don't know where he gets this stuff.
Four-year-old: I heard it from you, crazy!
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Lindsay
Professor: I was house-sitting for them. I almost strangled the cat.
Oberlin, Ohio
Overheard by: Secret Spy
Professor: Society, chocolate pudding, and cars. All complex phenomena.
Oberlin, Ohio
Overheard by: secret Spy
Student #1, pointing to answer on a map quiz: Why did I get this wrong?
Student #2: That's Canada, you labeled it the USA.
Student #1: But we own them, the professor said so.
Student #2: Figuratively.
Student #1: Well, that's misinforming!
Cafe, Kent State University
Kent, Ohio
Tall woman on cell: It's not like I wanted to do it either, but sometimes you just have to grab her, spread her legs, and shove the tampon in there. I mean it's part of the job after all.
Dayton, Ohio
Overheard by: I hope she gets hazard pay!
Barista #1: Yeah, Joey does a great Tim Gunn impression. You should ask him to do it for you.
Barista #2: I will. So you really like Project Runway?
Barista #1: Oh my god, yes! Like, I should totally be on that show.
Barista #2: Yeah? Do you do fashion design?
Barista #1: Well, no. But I dress myself really well. And I have really good ideas. But I can't really sew or anything.
Starbucks
Fairborn, Ohio
Overheard by: Barista #3
Flight attendant: Okay, everyone, we're going to be landing soon. We would like to be the first to welcome you to reality...I mean, Cleveland.
Plane over Cleveland, Ohio
Five-year-old boy: Hey, I got an idea! Let's get naked!
Visiting adult friend: Yeah? And then what?
Five-year-old boy: We'll sit in the street!
Mason, Ohio
Overheard by: Rachel
Man to woman: You know what I really love? My hair.
Oberlin, Ohio
Overheard by: jaytro
Male lab instructor: So, really, it's totally unnatural for a human baby to pass through such a small birth canal when their heads are so big. But it's also unnatural for us to give birth laying down. We should stand. Then the canal is more open, and gravity does most of the work. We are fighting nature. Now, why am I talking about pregnancy? I lost my train of thought.
Anthropology Class
Kent State University, Ohio
Punk guy: Man, I hate all these suburban punks.
Dumb girl: "Suburban"? Is that even a word??
Toledo, Ohio
Overheard by: Audrey
Sorority girl, walking from class with a friend: Yeah, so they made us cook naked.
Kent State University
Kent, Ohio
Drunk guy at bar: My life is an episode of Friends, only there's no girls, and everyone's Chandler.
Bar
Dayton, Ohio
Overheard by: Kristin
Daughter, about cousin: Does he want to give me a ride?
Dad: No, he wants you to ride him.
North Canton, Ohio
Girl to friend: Then she sends him an e-mail saying that she wants his baby inside her. Talk about mixed messages.
Fred's Diner
Akron, Ohio
Overheard by: Adam
Woman #1: I have to return some things to Victoria's Secret.
Woman #2: Why?
Woman #1: I don't like the way they smell.
Sandusky, Ohio
Overheard by: NOT a VS smeller
Drunk girl: Oh! So you're not going to go home with your girlfriend when she is asking you and her roommate isn't even home! Oh! Oh! (boyfriend whispers something to her) I don't care if I'm on my period or not!
University of Dayton
Dayton, Ohio
Instructor: I may have to open my kimono and give him access to my jewels. (entire class chuckles)
College Lecture
Dayton, Ohio
Overheard by: Mandi
Teen to friend: He's always making fun of the holocaust.
Cincinnati, Ohio
Wal-Mart floor waxer: My grandma got bit twice on the leg. And they thought they were gonna have to amputate it. But then it magically healed.
Wal-Mart
Athens, Ohio
Overheard by: Lisa
Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Old lady: Yes. Actually, no! You don't have any vanilla frozen yogurt! You have every other flavor (getting worked up) I have a coupon for frozen yogurt! (waves it in cashier's face)
Cashier: Uh...I'm sorry! (sends a carryout to look for vanilla frozen yogurt)
Old lady: At least you had flat-iron chicken. You didn't have it last time. (glares)
Old lady's son, in a whisper: I'm glad you had flat-iron chicken, or I don't know what we would have done!
Springboro, Ohio
Overheard by: Never knew frozen yogurt was so important
Teaching assistant to bunch of anatomy students: When in doubt, touch yourself!
Cleveland State University, Ohio
Waitress: That comes with a side salad.
Woman at booth: I'll have a salad with ranch.
(10 minutes later)
Woman at booth: What is this?
Waitress: Your salad?
Woman at booth, loudly sobbing: I ordered a Caesar salad!
Waitress, at the top of her lungs: We have other salads! We have other salads! They are in the fridge!
Restaurant
Boardman, Ohio
Man wearing 9/11 conspiracy t-shirt to friend: Did I tell you I'm working on debunking the discovery channel?
University of Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Vejewsbian
Drunk girl: You only get pregnant if you want to.
Ohio
Guy to girl: Actually, no. I personally hate the idea of having a plastic trash bag on my cock.
Stow, Ohio
Overheard by: d
Mr. Hon, hanging on car door: Hon! Tell mom here exactly where that swingers' club is, that I took you to on your birthday.
(wife says something unintelligible as she walks down path towards car)
Mom, sitting in car: Oh! That's where I used to buy ice cream when I was a little kid!
Public Pond
Kettering, Ohio
Girl to guy: What's so safe and innocent about my lips glued to your penis?
Cleveland Heights, Ohio
Overheard by: Spence
Guy (looking around suspiciously): Yeah, well, it was a couple baseball bats really. Let's just say I was really in the game last night, so to speak.
Beachwood Place Mall
Beachwood, Ohio
Overheard by: Just Buying Votives, Sir
Middle aged, balding psych professor disproving "empty nest" theory: Now, when you leave the house your parents are free to run around the house naked, and fuck on the kitchen table! (pauses) Your parents like to have sex!
Psychology Class, Youngstown State University
Ohio
Overheard by: Carmen
(elastic snapping sound)
Woman in stall: And that was the sound of my outside panties!
Bathroom, Dive Bar
Ohio
Overheard by: Monika
Human evolution professor, showing a slide of a monkey: Just look at those testicles! They're huge and pink...just...they're all in your face!
Anthropology Classroom, Kent State University
Ohio
Overheard by: Laureen
Five-year-old boy: Daddy?
Father: Yes?
Five-year-old boy: When I grow up, I want to marry you.
Father: Uhm, you can't do that. What about your friend, Alex?
Five-year-old boy: Hmmm. Okay. I think I'll marry Alex instead.
Reynoldsburg, Ohio
Overheard by: Timothy
Girl to friend: You know, I think your house is the best place to keep the meth at room temperature.
Sheffield, Ohio
Overheard by: Julian
Gay male flight attendant: If you'll be requiring wheelchair assistance when we get to Cleveland, please remain seated. Because, if you stand up, we'll assume you've been healed by the Holy Spirit and no longer need our help.
Passengers: (laughter)
Flight attendant: And please keep your seatbelts fastened until we've reached the gate and come to a complete stop.
(man in front row unbuckles his belt)
Flight attendant: Stop it, cheater!
Southwest Airlines Flight
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Erica
White trash woman on cell: Yeah, she OD'ed, right? I just got out of jail for murder. "Your mom died of overdose" is what she told her. You need to stop telling people all this, I could get locked up for a long time. You told Heather and everybody, she knew all about what I did. But...I don't know, she said to call her. She's at her house, I guess. Look, you don't do shitty things to people that are there for you, you do shitty things to people that are not there for you.
Computer Science Department
Ohio State University
Overheard by: Now Heather and I are both in on the secret
Man #1, shouting: Are you wearing a thong? Dude, this dude's wearing a thong! Why are you wearing a thong?
Man #2: Well, it didn't start out that way.
Oberlin, Ohio
Girl sitting at desk: I've got to pee. I've got to pee. Urine needs to come out of my uterus.
Dayton, Ohio
Overheard by: LC
Gay man to friend: He's not hot enough to have AIDS!
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Rachel Kaiser
Teen girl: I think I'm going to lie on my bed in a butterfly position.
Friend: Oh, to air out your STD?
Cleveland Heights, Ohio
Overheard by: evanescent
Pregnant teen waiting in lunch line: Yeah, I'm having the shower at my grandma's. My mom said she did not send me to that fancy Catholic school just so I could get knocked up.
Publis High School
Cincinnati, Ohio
Little girl #1 (holding a Patrick Star toy): Mommy, mommy! Can I get this?
Scary mom: No.
Little girl #1: Why?
Scary mom: Because last time we bought one of those was the day you had your seizure.
Little girl #1 (running around the store and flapping her arms): My seizure, my seizure!
Little girl #2 (also running and flapping): Your seizure, your seizure!
Kings Island, Ohio
Soccer mom: Oh great, it's raining. Now we can't eat fudgesicles outside.
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Natalie
Girl #1: You weren't even in school today, were you?
Girl #2 (with her hood up): No, 'cuz my hair is messed up!
Columbus, Ohio
Woman: Sorry, I have to pay in singles.
Cashier: That's okay, people do all the time. (asking innocently) Are you a waitress?
Woman: No, honey. My career is a little less wholesome than that.
Cashier: (stutters and looks at her screen) Alright then, your total is $27.45.
Kroger
Cincinnati, Ohio
Girl in stall (yelling on cell): Oh, my god. Do you really have herpes? That's contagious, right? Should I get tested?
(flush of toilet)
Friend's voice on speakerphone: Am I on speakerphone in the bathroom?
Girl in stall: Yeah, I'm just peeing. So should I get tested?
Friend: I'm not talking about this on speakerphone.
Girl in stall: Okay, it's off... Oh, so you can only get herpes through sex?
Public Bathroom
Kent State University, Ohio
Overheard by: Laureen
Middle-aged woman to friend, exiting Forever 21: Well, that was a foray into a subculture we're not familiar with.
Kenwood Mall
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Lisa
(two lesbians taking items out of the shopping cart to place in their truck)
Butch lesbian (picking up a heavy box): Why do I always have to carry the heavy things just because I wear the dildo?
Wal-Mart
Dublin, Ohio
Overheard by: Octopus seeks sucker fish for good times and long walks
Girl looking at a picture of someone milking a cow: Oh my god, look at the size of the testicles on this cow!
Embarrassed friend: Um, that's its udder.
Ohio State University
College guy from dorm room window to tour group: If your daughters are virgins they won't be for long!
Miami University
Oxford, Ohio
Overheard by: sarah
Girl: Hey, Lamar!
Guy: Oh, hey!
Girl: How you been? You been sick?
Guy: Nah... healthy.
Girl: Oh... see ya!
Bowling Green State University
Bowling Green, Ohio
Overheard by: Alex
(outside of a coffee shop downtown late at night)
Hipster chick: So then I went to the store and found out the shoes were discontinued but...
Creepy guy (with unzipped and unbuttoned pants): What are you guys talking about? Can I talk or are you going to kick me out?
Hipster chick: Uh... (looks around for a quick exit) No man, you can stay. We're talking about shoes.
Creepy guy: You're so hot. No, really. I would kiss you like you'd never think about shoes again.
Akron, Ohio
Overheard by: Julia M
(two guys peeing next to each other at the urinals)
Pretty boy #1: I think I have sensitive wrists.
Pretty boy #2: You have sensitive nipples!
Bowling Alley Bathroom
Dayton, Ohio
Overheard by: Liz
Boyfriend: I only cheated on you with one girl but you cheated on me with three guys... at the same time!
Ohio State University
Overheard by: JooSki
Little girl to mom: This ice cream is screwing with my mind.
McDonald's
Dayton, Ohio
Overheard by: heather
Three-year-old boy to grandfather: Do you have a penis?
Grandfather: Yes, I do.
Boy: I have a penis, too. My penis is small. My penis is cute.
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Vejewsbian
Professor: The Swedes. They look at the glaciers, go inside, watch a Bergman film, have a heavy drink, then have some sex in the sauna, but ultimately that is unsatisfying, so they kill themselves.
Oberlin, Ohio
Overheard by: Secret Spy
Professor: What did our founding fathers want? Who cares? They're dead.
Oberlin, Ohio
Overheard by: Secret Spy
Professor: The guillotine was humane. It was just humane many thousands of times.
Oberlin, Ohio
Overheard by: Secret Spy
Guy to girl: You know, Mandy Moore made a bad decision going brunette. Now she looks like you, if you were a crack whore.
Oberlin College
Oberlin, Ohio
Overheard by: emily
Professor: I'm on drugs... And they're not fun.
Ohio University
Athens, Ohio
Overheard by: thereallc
Woman browsing through dildos at a sex shop: Do you have any of these that plug in? I run through batteries too fast.
Toledo, Ohio
Overheard by: Cap
Casanova: This is a replica of the helmet I wear when I fuck my wife.
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: shadow
Tipsy girlfriend, playing "Never Have I Ever": Never have I ever done 69 with anyone.
Boyfriend: Ping.
Girlfriend: What?! Who did you 69?!
Boyfriend: You, fool!
Girlfriend: Oh.
Ohio University
Athens, Ohio
Overheard by: outfirst
Girl playing video game: Some girls just want to get married. I just want fire.
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Kelson
Girl on cell phone: So I got a little finger action this week, but I said 'No' so it's okay.
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Justin
Guy in restaurant to female companion: Of course, this is coming from a guy who eats potpourri...
Central Avenue
Cincinnati, Ohio
Skateboarder in large banana suit: We put the 'ass' in 'potassium'!
Ohio State University
Ohio
Husband to wife showing him Greek Bible: Honey, if English is good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me.
Barnes & Noble
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: aharon
Physics professor: Hey! Listen up! I'm tired of some of you walking out or ignoring me when we talk about the Big Bang Theory. I'm not telling you God doesn't exist, so don't get your panties in a bunch! You! Sit down! Let me finish!
Kent State University
Kent, Ohio
Library worker #1: Do I have to lick it?
Library worker #2: ... What?
Library worker #1: The envelope. Do I have to lick it?
Library worker #2: You could tape it, I guess...
Library worker #1: Great, because after last night, I am totally out of saliva.
Main Library, Kent State University
Kent, Ohio
Queer en route to Obama rally: Oh my god, he's so cute. Do you think he'll sign my ass for me?
Ohio State University
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Rachel Jane
Bartender: Geez, Hank, you're looking great these days. Been working out?
Chubby Jewish guy: Yeah. I tell ya, I've been trying to lose the spare tire, but I lost it all in my earlobes instead. It's a cruel world.
Suami's India Garden Resturant
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Jeebus McGee
30-something black woman #1: The eye is superficial.
30-something black woman #2: Yeah, like 20-year-old white guys.
Community College
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Madison
Thug #1: Man, it's so hard to be in a relationship these days.
Thug #2: Yeah, my relationships die faster than those goldfish you win at a carnival.
Columbus, Ohio
Chick: No, Spencer, you don't have to lick your penis to let everyone know that you're here!
Cleveland Heights, Ohio
Overheard by: Drunk guy in apartment hallway
Guy to pals: Dude, seriously -- STDs are just Christian propaganda.
Riverbend Music Center
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: robby gigante
Drunk guy: Well, I'm, like, more of a social reader, you know?
Columbus, Ohio
Female customer: I would never do anything with someone other than my boyfriend.
Male customer: You cheated on your husband!
Female customer: I wasn't in love with my husband.
Visible Voice Books
Cleveland, Ohio
Club guy: You asked him if he has ever seen Dances with Wolves?
Club girl: Well, yeah. He's Native American!
Club guy: That's like asking a Jewish person if they have ever seen Fiddler on the Roof!
Ohio State University, High Street
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Tuition Wasted
Teacher on cell, grading papers: On the whole, these papers have been disappointingly good.
Columbus Airport
Ohio
Overheard by: confabulation Nation
Six-year-old boy, about new kitten: That pussycat is crazy! He eats anything and everything... I mean, he was eating carrots! We need to give him a name... How about 'Food Kitty'? Or 'Pussy Eater'?
Mom: Uhhh, no. Not that one.
Polaris Mall
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: jweils
Girl: Okay, what other weird noises have I made? ... I queefed...
Boyfriend: I helped.
Athens, Ohio
Hipster boy: I mean, yeah, I'd buy it, but I would not have sex with it. I wouldn't fuck it. I'd just buy it.
Oberlin, Ohio
Dad to two-year-old daughter, before dropping her off at daycare: What are you going to do with the other kids today? ... You should teach them all to be cage-fighters!
Ada, Ohio
Overheard by: Marci
Chick: So, what did you and Kev do last night?
Sorostitute: We got drunk and had sex.
Chick: You're a walking fucking disease.
Sorostitute: What? How am I supposed to know what I want unless I drunkenly sleep with a bunch of people I don't want?
Ohio State University
Columbus, Ohio
Hootchie at pool table: Believe me, there is nothing coming out of my vagina!
Jake's Saloon
Toledo, Ohio
Overheard by: MoNkEyPoX
Mother quickly pulling young child along: You'll just have to get used to having a hot mom, okay?
Great American Ballpark
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Joey-Poey
Girl to two guys: So, who has the smaller cock?
Guy #1: Oh, me.
Girl: You can fuck me in the ass.
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Doug
Little leaguer #1: My team is really good this summer!
Dad: Your team stinks. Your outfielder eats grass.
Little leaguer #2: Yes, but he's going au natural. He also puts sunflower seeds in his ears.
Jacobs Field
Cleveland, Ohio
Child: Who's Elvis?
Mother, not paying attention: I don't know.
Concerned old lady nearby, to mother: You don't know who Elvis is, honey?
Cincinnati, Ohio
Daughter #1: Mom, do you remember when we were little and we met that little boy whose name was Chelsea?
Daughter #2: Who the hell would name their boy 'Chelsea'?!
Mom: Well, they might have been oriental, you guys.
Columbus, Ohio
Man on cell: No, Eileen's not too happy with me. I filled her refrigerator with waffles... No, I can't talk about it here.
Public library
Cincinnati, Ohio
Loud black lady in long line: Girl, I know how you feel! Every time I try to buy a pregnancy test, there gotta be a big ordeal! The line too long, or there someone you know.
Girl with pregnancy test, embarrassed and chuckling: Yeah...
Loud black lady: I wish I could just go in my toilet, then push a button and have my toilet say, 'Uh-huh, you pregnant today!'
Van Wert, Ohio
Overheard by: Woah, that's not a bad idea...
Nurse: I didn't know it yet, but I was saying 'fuck'!
VA Medical Center
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Scut-monkey
Young black woman #1: What's We Own the Night about?
Young black woman #2: One guy's a cop, and his brother is a gangster or something.
Young black woman #1: Does it have black people in it or white people?
Young black woman #2: White people.
Young black woman #1: Let's see something else.
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Jason Bourne
Dude #1: So, yeah -- I woke up last night and I had cramps.
Dude #2: Like a girl?
Dude #1: Yeah, exactly like a girl. They were in that area... You know, that area near your penis but that's also near your belly button. It has a lot of hair and skin. I dunno.
Dude #2: Whoa, you might have, like, an ovary or something.
Dude #1: I guess anything's possible.
Ohio State University
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Rachel
Dude to older lady: What do you mean, you don't know what a hooker is? [To security guard] Hey, tell my mother what a hooker is.
Kroger
Columbus, Ohio
Crazy, bearded old man: Have you seen Bobby lately?
Ohio state trooper: No. His wife just had a baby, so he's on leave for a while.
Crazy, bearded old man: Well, the next time you see him, tell him Santa Claus says [blows a raspberry].
Goshen, Ohio
Overheard by: Michael
Tomboy: We need to get boyfriends so people will stop thinking we're gay.
Russian girl: Why do people think we're gay?
Tomboy: 'Cause everyone we hang out with is gay!
Ludlow Avenue
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: The gay girl standing with them
Student: So, basically I've come to beg for my life.
Professor: Go on.
Student: So, I need this class to graduate, right? But I know I'm failing. The problem is I'm taking too many credit hours and stopped coming to class, but this guy that I know who was taking notes for me and whatever -- he stopped coming to class because he says he can't stand to listen to you drone on and on. But don't worry, it's not like I don't like psychology or anything -- I love deviant psychology. So can I get extra credit or something?
Professor: Oh, Lord, no.
Ohio State University
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: JP
Frat boy to sky: Where is the pussy in this world?!
Athens, Ohio
Overheard by: Lisa
Woman: How would I know if you just found out?
Man, her fiancé: Well, shouldn't you know before I know?
Woman: I never do that to myself -- you do that for me!
Man: Well, it was all over my finger afterwards and under my nail -- you must be on your visitor.
Woman: I didn't know I was getting my visitor until you had some on your hand.
Man: Well, don't you look inside yourself?! Go look inside yourself and tell me what you see!
Winking Lizard Tavern
Cleveland Heights, Ohio
Guy: Amanda, you know how I always say people are dumb?
Amanda: [Blank stare.]
Guy: You are totally 'people.'
Columbus, Ohio
Chick, responding to example question: You can't randomly choose which woman gets an abortion and which doesn't!
Professor: Why not?
Chick: Because some women do want to give up their babies!
Professor: I don't care! I'm a statistician!
Statistics class, Ohio State University
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Rachel
Girl to friend: Why couldn't we have lived in the '60s so we could just take acid and have sex with whoever we wanted?
Bowling Green State University
Ohio
Mom: Now think very hard, honey. Use your noggin.
Son, after long pause: I think my noggin is empty.
Ohio
10-year-old girl on broken bike: This is why I hate my life!
Campground
Ohio
Girl #1: I know her. She's a skank.
Mother: Really?
Girl #2: Yeah. You can smell the hooker coming off of her.
Cambridge, Ohio
Five-year-old son: I am going to see the Reds yesterday with Mom.
Father: You mean tomorrow?
Five-year-old son: No, yesterday.
Father, puzzled: I think you mean tomorrow, buddy.
Five-year-old son, frustrated: Ugh! You're a pea-brain, Dad!
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: teachinghimthewrongthings
Girl #1: So, I walk into my Econ class, and Katie's there.
Girl #2: Who?
Girl #1: Awkward Katie.
Girl #2: Crazy Katie?
Girl #1: Naked Katie.
Girl #2: Ohhh! There are way too many Katies. You could have just said 'Naked Katie' and I would have known what you were talking about.
Delaware, Ohio
Overheard by: None-of-the-above Katie
Meathead: That's the type of woman I want to marry. I'll bend her over, then we can have hairy Aryan babies and eat hummus together. God, what I wouldn't do to her!
Pleased girl with him: You know, I'm really glad I decided to invite you instead of Joe!
Cedar Point
Sandusky, Ohio
Overheard by: Ckiska
Drunk guy #1 to guy he just met: I just get sick of people when they come over. My dad, my brother -- after an hour, I'm sick of them.
Drunk guy #2: Oh, yeah?
Drunk guy #1: Yeah. And another thing I hate? Let's say you come over tonight and spend the night -- you can't sleep on the couch.
Drunk guy #2: Why not? Where would I sleep?
Drunk guy #1: Because there are no sheets on it! I don't want your body fluids on my couch. But you could sleep in the bed.
Panini's
Cleveland Heights, Ohio
Overheard by: Is that an offer?
Dude: So, is it true that you have herpes?
Drunk girl #1: What?! No!
Dude: Thank god!
Drunk girl #1: I had chlamydia and now I have HPV. I only told two people, and now the whole town thinks I have herpes!
Dude: [Stares.]
Drunk girl #1, crying: Why does everyone know about my diseases?!
Drunk girl #2: Because you go to the bar, get trashed, and yell about it?
Bar
Newark, Ohio
Bimbette, inquiring about exam during review: Yeah, but, like -- what if you, like, can't think that hard?
Ohio University
Athens, Ohio
Freshman boy #1: Are you a man now?
Freshman boy #2: Yeah.
Freshman boy #3: It was that fast?
Outside Beaver [all girl's dorm], Denison University
Granville, Ohio
Overheard by: L. A. DiLalla
Father looking at sign: Look! You could work here when you start school.
Son: Why would I want to work here? They can't even spell 'prerequisite' right.
Father: That's because it's per-quisite.
Ohio
Overheard by: glad to be sharing a school with this kid
Customer to clerk: Maybe my idea of sex is sticking a drill in your head.
Visible Voice Books
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: phoebe
Girl #1: You fail at life.
Girl #2: Nuh-uh! I'm good at life! I have a C-plus at life!
High school
Ohio
Overheard by: Kat Navane
Sunday school instructor: Hate is a very, very strong adjective.
Donkey Coffee
Athens, Ohio
Overheard by: Lisa
Chick: I love going to the Jimmy Buffet concert, but every year someone throws up on my shoes.
In line at Kroger's
Cincinnati, Ohio
11-year-old boy: Let's go fuck some girls!
Delhi Skatepark
Cincinnati, Ohio
Gym bunny #1: ... So then he said I must not be paying attention to my practice if I had so much to say about his.
Gym bunny #2: Oooh, that's a yoga slap if I've ever heard one!
Donkey Coffee
Athens, Ohio
Overheard by: Lisa
Loud woman: Yeah, Santa was all fucked up on drugs.
Cincinnati, Ohio
Waitress #1: At least you didn't pee your pants like you did yesterday.
Waitress #2: I know, right?
Steak-n-Shake
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: pee bee
Student giving presentation: There's also astigmatism on people who are poor...
Wright State University
Dayton, Ohio
Overheard by: thinks he meant
Girl stretching after a workout: Oooh, my cooter bone!
Ohio University
Athens, Ohio
Overheard by: Meredith
Woman on cell: So, she hasn't had anything to eat since Monday afternoon... Yeah, I guess that means she's doing great!
Arby's
Lebanon, Ohio
Teen: What do you think made Elmer famous? It wasn't the glue -- it was the Fudd.
Cincinnati Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
Young man, thoughtfully: I think the reason I stopped believing in God was because when I was little I begged... I begged him to give me Superman's powers. And he never did. He never did...
Rocky River, Ohio
Overheard by: Defying Gravity
White basketball coach at end of middle school game: Wait... Wait! Don't let any black people leave. I need to take their picture!
Ohio
Overheard by: A rare sighting
Stoner: That's like saying Jesus and Gandhi are the same. A Gandhi would be the cinnamon bun and Jesus would be the cinnabon.
100 Main Street
Cincinnati, Ohio