Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | Places | North America | USA

Bipolar Women Can Be Highly Entertaining Life Partners

Girl on phone: All right, bye. I love you sometimes.

Durham, North Carolina

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Little Lady Gaga Ended Up Proving Them Both Wrong.

Concerned mom: She's either going to grow up to be an assassin or a serial killer.
Concerned guy: What are the parents like?
Concerned mom: Quiet and normal.
Concerned guy: They always are.

Raleigh, North Carolina

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And They'll Be All, "Whooee, One Of Them Fancy Women!"

Woman: I'll be at the bar tonight and I'll be all, "hey guys, I bought this shirt at Kohl's for five bucks! And I'm single! And you won't have to call me ever because I'm from Virginia!"

Raleigh, North Carolina

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Save That for Therapy.

Five-year-old girl to hair brush: Mommy doesn't want me to buy you or to talk to you... That makes me sad.
Embarrassed mom: Come on sweetie, let's go home.
(kid keeps talking to hair brush, mom yanks it away)
Mom, leaving store: Now is not the time to talk to hair brushes!

North Carolina

Overheard by: Wondering why mom was embarrassed

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Isn't That a Country Song?

Cashier: If it weren't for fat asses and sexy feet, I'd get out of the South and move back to New York.

Fayetteville, North Carolina

Overheard by: Nick

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"Amicable Separation:" Defined

Woman to others: And every time she sees him, she shakes her fist at him, like this! (shakes fist in the air)

Harris Teeter
Charlotte, North Carolina

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...Now Who Wants to Play "Hang the Sock"??

High school student: People are often uncomfortable when they're naked...
Male professor: Now, that's just not true, because I'm never uncomfortable when I'm naked, and you wanna know why? Because whenever I am naked, fun ensues.

Charlotte, North Carolina

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...Has The Times Told Us Whether or Not We Like It?

Middle-aged woman: So, what's on tv tonight?
Middle-aged man: Chuck.
Middle-aged woman: Oh, do we watch that?
Middle-aged man: I don't know.

Charlotte, North Carolina

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Then She Turned Him Gay With Her Womanliness

Female professor: She was a lesbian...
Male student: Yeah, she was.
Female professor: But he turned her straight with his manliness...
Male student: Yeah, he did.

Appalachian State University
Boone, North Carolina

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I Thought Guys Liked Talking About Wood?

Pretty girl to boyfriend: I don't know if I have too many toothpicks, or not enough.
Boyfriend: So this is where the crazy starts?

Grocery Store
Havelock, North Carolina

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And Why Do We Always Go to Gay Bars?

Guy: I told him to stop buying me shots.
Girl: That don't mean you got to drink em'!

Bar
Charlotte, North Carolina

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It Was All, "What Am I, a Fucking Cow?"

Redneck girl: So do you worship cows?
Hindu boy: Yes, that's part of our religion.
Redneck girl: No, I mean you. Do you worship cows?
Hindu boy: Yes! I do, my people do, it's our religion!
Redneck girl: So when you go to church, there's a cow there?
Hindu boy: No, we don't go to church.
Redneck girl: Have you ever gone cow-tipping?
Hindu boy: What's that?
Redneck girl: It's when you run up to a cow in the middle of the night and push it over and it goes "mooooooooo!" I tried to tip a horse once, too, but it just looked at me.

High School
North Carolina

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The Final Solution to the School Year

Enthusiastic teacher: We're doing a scavenger hunt today!
Student, dubiously: A scavenger hunt?
Enthusiastic teacher, nodding: Yeah, it's like ... It's like a Nazi Easter egg hunt.

North Carolina

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Internet Audiences Loved Two Girls, One Copy

Teacher: Please staple again. Please, if there is a god, staple again. Do it! Staple! Push it down hard! I want to hear you staple!

Middle School
North Carolina

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Although There's Nothing Worse Than a Goat with the Munchies.

Hipster girl #1: Those are nice (points at earrings), where did you get them?
Hipster girl #2: Oh, I stole these. I only steal earrings, for some reason. So did your parents ever get those goats for their farm?
Hipster girl #1: Not yet, but my mom said they're going to start growing pot.
Hipster girl #2: That's cool.

Cafe
Durham, North Carolina

Overheard by: Vincent Ignatius

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What Prevented You?

Girl on phone: I got two pairs of pants, a shirt, and I almost bought a beaver.

Boone, North Carolina

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I Wrote the Ass Off That Story

Guy: So, it's like, there's ski equipment strewn everywhere on the ground. I wrote a story about it, with descriptions and metaphors and shit.

Boone, North Carolina

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At Some Point, One Gets Full Of TV

Middle-aged woman: What's on TV tonight?
Middle-aged man: I think Chuck is.
Middle-aged woman: Oh, do we watch that?
Middle-aged man: I don't know.

Boone, North Carolina

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Can't Answer. Crashing.

Skinny boy at the back of the classroom: I had a Pop-Tart for breakfast!
Teacher, horrified: Why? Oh my god, why?!

Middle School
North Carolina

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Eh, They Were Station Wagons.

College girl: Last night I dreamed that everyone got a car for free... except for you.
College guy: Even in your dreams, I can't get a fucking break!

Boone, North Carolina

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...With a Real Girl.

Six-year-old boy, firmly groping mannequin's backside: I'm popular! I'm popular! Look, mommy!
Flustered mom: Go be popular over there!

Morganton, North Carolina

Overheard by: Carla

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It's Times Hard in the Islamic Republic Of North Carolina

Little girl to mother, passing brand new cherry red Porsche Carrera GT convertible: Mama, why is everyone looking at that car?
Mother: Because it's very special.
Little girl: Can I get one?
Mother: Only if you marry well, dear.

Durham, North Carolina

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Well What's Spanish for "Cornholing"?

Spanish teacher, teaching tenses: If your parents were away, what would you do?
Student: I would do Jeff!
(class laughs)
Student: No, I mean I would invite Jeff over!
Spanish teacher: That doesn't make it sound any better.

High School
Concord, North Carolina

Overheard by: Mary

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And You Know the Old Saying: "Where There's Mexicans..."

Girl: I wonder why there are so many Japanese restaurants around here?
Guy: Probably because there are a lot of Mexican people living in this town.

Very Little Town
North Carolina

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Your Editors Feel a Fierce College Nostalgia Coming on

Girl to girl and guy: Guys, can I just tell you about my weekend?
(no reply)
Girl again: Can I tell ya'll about my weekend?
(they look at her and nod)
Girl again, whispering: It had to do with a penis...

UNCC Campus
Charlotte, North Carolina

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But Enough About the Livestock...

New Yorker: So how do you like it down here?
Local thug: If it weren't for the double d breasts and sexy feet, I would've gotten the hell out of here years ago.

Fayetteville, North Carolina

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A Bravo TV Contestant!

School counselor, trying to get kids to guess a career: This person might work in fashion, or decorate houses...
Fourth grader: A gay guy!

Raleigh, North Carolina

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I Blame the Obamas!

Student #1: The professor wanted us to list our ten favorite books.
Student #2: So?
Student #1: All I could think of was "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie."

East Carolina University
Greenville, North Carolina

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He's the Reason "the Bro" Was Invented

Girl #1: So apparently the hormones are kicking in. He's got boobs now.
Girl #2: Oh, come on! Let's be honest, he's always had boobs.

Carrboro, North Carolina

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Raise Your Hand If You're Married to Her

Woman, looking at exhibit containing jellyfish: But where are their brains? Where do you think their brains are? Where would they keep their brains? Where are the brains? Where are their brains? The brains? Where do you think they keep the brains? Huh... I wonder where their brains are?

Aquarium
North Carolina

Overheard by: Kellllyyyyy

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But You Don't Want to Go on a Flight Without Warm Nuts

Man, taking seat in airport lounge: Wow, this is the first time I've worn pants since...
Woman with him: Since the last time we flew. Feels weird, doesn't it?

Airport Lounge
North Carolina

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The Whole Thing Smacks Of Effort

Hipster chick to hipster dude: If you could do any profession, what would you do? Like, if you gave your whole self to something?
Hipster dude: I don't know.
Hipster girl: I would be a tree surgeon.
Hipster dude: What's that?
Hipster girl: Like, it's an environmental way to trim trees. I would go around climbing trees all day and snipping them, and like, live in the forest. But I probably won't do that.
Hipster dude: Oh.

Chapel Hill, North Carolina

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See the Iron-On Label?

Mormon-looking hick teen: (holds up shirt and looks at his mother)
Hick mom: Gawd, no! That is Satan's shirt!

Wilmington, North Carolina

Overheard by: Amy

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Then There Was the Guy We Stabbed and Stuck in the Dumpster...

Hungover girl #1: I really feel like an ass.
Hungover girl #2: Why do you feel like an ass?
Hungover girl #1: Well I did throw a drink on someone.
Hungover girl #2, nodding: And got kicked out of the bar twice.

Wilmington, North Carolina

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Raise Your Hand If You Share His Irrational Love Of Costco

Random male shopper: We're looking at meat accessories!

Costco
Raleigh, North Carolina

Overheard by: Anna

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...After What Happened Last Time?

Sober sorostitute with heavy smoker's voice: Like o-m-g, I just decided on my Halloween costume!
Drunk sorostitute, stamping feet: Oh my god! What?! What what what?
Sober sorostitute: Wait for it...wait for it... Little ho peep!
Drunk sorostitute: Can we have sex with the little ho sheep?

Duke University
Durham, North Carolina

Overheard by: Disgusted

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We're Storing It Next to Jean-Luc Cousteau's Cheese Wheel

PA: Paging arriving passenger Juan Sanchez from Mexico City. Please return to gate B4 to retrieve your piñata.

Airport
Charlotte, North Carolina

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If I Wanted to Read Subtitles I'd Get a Book!

Daughter at video store: What about this one, mom?
Mom: You pick crap! I'm getting you an animated movie!

Rodanthe, North Carolina

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I'm Not Sure I've Heard This Version Of "Goldilocks and the Three Bears"

Teenage boy: She said his bazooka was too big for her funhole.

High School
North Carolina

Overheard by: aWkWaRd

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So I Hooked Up With His Friend

Coed #1: So we're finally officially dating. I mean it's been, like, six months!
Coed #2: Great! That's moving forward!
Coed #1: Yeah. He said the first six months I was on "dating probation" and now I'm on "girlfriend probation." His friend got drunk at the bar and was all like "what, you haven't made her official yet?" so he's like, "you have my friend to thank for this."

UNCG
Greensboro, North Carolina

Overheard by: Put him on boyfriend probation

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You Realize That Means "Highly Pleasant to the Taste or Smell"?

Black girl #1: Girl, it is freezing outside.
Black girl #2: Girl, I know, right?
Black girl #1: Nigga, you know what? I don't have any blood, and since I don't have blood I turn blue all over. All the blood I do have is in my ass, because it is so luscious.
Black girl #2: Oh, nigga, I know that is right!

University of North Carolina at Greensboro

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Wanna Race?

Drunk girl puking in bathroom stall to drunk girl puking in stall next to her: It's okay! I'm throwing up too!

Wake Forest University
Winston-Salem, North Carolina

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Earth Belongs on the Ground, Not on Me

Flamboyantly gay man on cell, sashaying student union: Apparently there was like a three-day no shower policy to attend this Earth Day function! Whatever, I didn't get the memo.

UNC
Greensboro, North Carolina

Overheard by: Caroline

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Unlike My Wife

Anatomy professor, turning up lights: Wake up, it's the male reproductive system! How many times have you heard that before? (class laughter) Hopefully not many times before.

UNC
Chapel Hill, North Carolina

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Really Depends on the Bar

Guy on cell: I don't think we'll be in a bar, considering what we'll be wearing and that we'll be covered in feathers.

Chapel Hill, North Carolina

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Whatever Queen Elizabeth Said Went

Teacher: Next, we're reading Much Ado about Nothing.
(class groans)
Teacher: Back then, "nothing" was slang for "vagina."
Class: Ooooh.

Enloe High
Raleigh, North Carolina

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Your Editors Blame Sarah Silverman for Our Uncharitable Thoughts

Girl #1: My stomach hurts.
Girl #2: Ew, girl! You pregnant!

Charlotte, North Carolina

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Have You So Little Faith in My Navigational Ability?

Woman to husband, facing large sign saying "Carolina Mall": Can we get to the mall from here?

Charlotte, North Carolina

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I Always Try to Make Out with Them

Tween: God, I've had such a terrible day. First I was in a wreck, and then I saw a homeless woman--and you know how I am about homeless people.

Petro Express
Charlotte, North Carolina

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She's Leaving A Message

Upset girl on cell: When I say I'm going to call and I don't call, I just don't see why you can't call to see why I didn't call!

Fort Bragg, North Carolina

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Though Dancing on the Altar Was My Idea

Girl #1, after hearing embarrassing story: Yeah, that reminds me of the time I got kicked out of the Vatican for being a whore.
Girl #2: Seriously? Kicked out?
Girl #1: It was my dad's fault, though. He told me I could wear my short skirt.

Thai Restaurant
Boone, North Carolina

Overheard by: Elizabeth

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An Army Of One

Guy coming out of bathroom: Dude, did you hear the angels singing?
Friend: What?
Guy: Man, that shit was magical.

Camp LeJeune, North Carolina

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The Butterball Turkey Hotline Gets Flooded With Calls During the Holidays

Parking lot attendant on phone: Whenever I try to do that my nipples just get really stretched out.

Chapel Hill
University of North Carolina

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When He Said "Yes," You Knew He Was a Terrorist and You Had to Defend Yourself

Girl #1: I love how every time I make a scenario where I'm around Stephen I scream in his face and force him to be sexual with me. Except for that time I rubbed against him in a non-sexual way to cure any illnesses I have.
Girl #2: There was that time you stabbed him in the thigh too.
Girl #1: Really? Why did I do that?
Girl #2: You just wanted to know his dog's name and if he likes pita bread.
Girl #1: Ohhh...yeah.

Asheville, North Carolina

Overheard by: Amanda

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Dolly Parton Faced Animosity Upon Returning to School

Student to another: Okay! Whatever, hooker hair!

University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill

Overheard by: Li'l Bit

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...Was My Bar Mitzvah Theme

Guy to friend: Jeff Gordon riding a Velociraptor alongside Jesus...

Appalchian State University
Boone, North Carolina

Overheard by: Diana Mason

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Maybe I Should've Selected a Photo Where I Wasn't Holding a Beer-Bong?

Guy: So they sent me something saying they had received my application and said it would take six to eight weeks. I got a rejection letter the next day. Bitchbags.

Wake Forest University
Winston-Salem, North Carolina

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She Lost Her Entire Purse, and They Were Married That Night

Woman #1: We went to a club together one time and they were still dating, and he kept trying to kiss me. Well, I refused to. But then my cell phone got stolen and I was mad, so we made out. A lot.
Woman #2: You made out with him because your phone got stolen?
Woman #1: Yeah, basically. I was pissed and trying to have a good night, and he's very attractive. So I was like, "let's go!"
Woman #2: I think you're my hero.
Woman #1: I'm supposed to go to a concert with him next week.
Woman #2: Well, don't lose your wallet, because then you'll have to do him.

Fayetteville, North Carolina

Overheard by: James

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I'm a Strong Proponent of Laissez-Éclair Ideology

Professor: So where else could the US get money for the $700 billion dollar economic bailout other than the American taxpayers?
Student: I think that they should have a bake sale!

Meredith College
Raleigh, North Carolina

Overheard by: Jen

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We'll Be Married in the Spring.

Girl to friends: I thought I was playing hard to get, but it turns out I was playing "I hate you".

Elon University
Elon, North Carolina

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Please Ignore This Inadvertent Overshare

Girl: I wish I had a loving relationship with my feet.
Woman: What?
Girl: Oh my god, you're not my mom!

Shoe Store
Durham, North Carolina

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If They Don't Remember Their Own Birthdays, Do You Need to Bother with Presents?

Mom: Do you know what next Wednesday is?
Three-year-old son: Friday!

Country Club
Greensboro, North Carolina

Overheard by: Annie Tewkesbury

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Ooo-- Actually, I Forgot I Had These Nunchucks

Policeman opening doors of Social Security office: Before I let you in, does anyone have any weapons?
Tiny old lady jumping the queue: Just my fist!

Wilkesboro, North Carolina

Overheard by: Jen

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You Just Wanted an Excuse to Punch a Sandwich, Didn't You?

College guy: He's going to be the kind of teacher who punches his kids' sandwiches. Peanut butter and jelly? I don't think so! Peanut butter and smush!

ECU Dining Hall
Greenville, North Carolina

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Says the Woman Wearing a Skort?

Little boy in ladies' room stall : You know mom, in Europe all the bathrooms are unisex.
Mom: Probably why it's such a godless country.

JCPenney
Greensboro, North Carolina

Overheard by: diesel

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It Slunk Away After I Kicked Its Ass

Student to other: Do you have your uterus?

Duke Medicine
Durham, North Carolina

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Is There Ever a Viable Reason for Riverdancing?

Guy to friend: Do you have a reason to riverdance on my testicles?

Boone, North Carolina

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Those Were Different Times--There Was a War On

College girl #1: If I'm pregnant, the father is either him or his cousin.
College girl #2: Wait, you slept with David* and his cousin?
College girl #1: It wasn't a big deal, it was a threesome!

Barnes & Noble
Cary, North Carolina

Overheard by: Jennifer

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That's What He Said at the ER

Drunk girl applying lip gloss: I can't believe he broke up with me. I gave him the blow job of his life last night!

Napper Tandy's Bathroom
Raleigh, North Carolina

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Or Reject Gender Stratification

Five-year boy in front of a door: (frantically) Which one? I have to go!
Exasperated mother: The men's room.
Little boy: Which one?!
Mother: That one (points) and that's why you need to learn to read.

Barnes & Noble
Cary, North Carolina

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Mark Penn Offered Us $2 Million for This Quote

Black girl to another black girl wearing Obama t-shirt: Girl, what is that on your shirt? Mmmm, Obama is looking all fine up on your chest.

UNC
Greensboro, North Carolina

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Like Kathy Griffin

Boy: So, if you're afraid of the leprechaun from that one movie, does that mean you're afraid of the lucky charm leprechaun too?
Girl: No, no, no. I'm only afraid of the *real* ones.

Chapel Hill, North Carolina

Overheard by: Amused

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I Like to Think of My Mouth As a Protective Pouch

30-something guy to friend: Yeah, but you teabagging me does not mean you're concerned about my safety!

Durham, North Carolina

Overheard by: good thing i'd already finished my taco

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Especially If, Instead of the G-Spot, There Was a Little Plastic Prize

Guy: But I hate wearing condoms! I can't feel anything. I might as well put my dick in a cereal box.
Girl: I think my vagina is a bit different from a cereal box.
Dude, excitedly: If your vagina had cereal in it, I'd eat you out all the time!

Davidson, North Carolina

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And You're Spilling My Martini!

Kid: I want to go swimming!
Dad: They don't have any smoking rooms here, and I gotta smoke. We have to go somewhere else.
Kid: Can't you just go outside and smoke?
Dad: It's snowing outside! You'd like it if I had to go out in the cold and snow just so you could go swimming, wouldn't you?
Kid: But they have a pool here! I want to go in the pool!
Dad: That's all you do... All you do is think about yourself! I gotta smoke!

204 Hendersonville Road
Asheville, North Carolina

Overheard by: Taryn

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Not Without My Fainting Couch and Fan Nearby

Drunk girl: I went to the University of Alabama, so you don't have to tell me about sex.

Sammy's
Raleigh, North Carolina

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As Long As You Don't Lie in the Same Bed Together, It's All Good

Man: What does it say in the bible about punching your son in the face?

Starbucks
Durham, North Carolina

Overheard by: wondering the same thing myself

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For One Thing, He Looks Less Like a Gay Man

[Beauty & the Beast sing-a-long.]
Drunk girl: Is it just me... or is the beast-beast hotter than the human beast?

Duke University
Durham, North Carolina

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Now I'm Terrified a Cat in a Hat Will Come Mess Up My House

Professor: I thought this was made up, but then I read it in a book, which of course means it?s true.

East Carolina University
Greenville, North Carolina

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... With My Girlfriend

Guy: Dude, I'm totally getting sexiled by my pre-frosh tonight.

Duke University
Durham, North Carolina

Overheard by: Blue Devils

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I Mean, I Am, but That's Neither Here Nor There

Black lady on cell: I said, 'Yeah, I'm black, but dat don' mean I be makin' counterfeit money!'

Food Lion
Sanford, North Carolina

Overheard by: Elizabeth

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Whatever, Ms. "I'm Allergic to Sex"

Girl to friend: So, you told him you were a nun and couldn't have friends? That's so mean!

Chic-Fil-A
Asheville, North Carolina

Overheard by: jaye

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According to What Not to Wear

Chick: Yeah, no one has syphilis anymore. Everyone has chlamydia now.

Duke University
Durham, North Carolina

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So Put Out That Cigarette, Too

Mother crossing street with three-year-old daughter: Molly*, stay in the crosswalk. Stay in the crosswalk! Molly! You are not in New York City!

Southern Village
Chapel Hill, North Carolina

Overheard by: staying between the lines

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Meet Kourtney Kibble-Britches

Hot girl: Either my dog is eating my underwear, or my vagina is so acidic it's burning holes in them... Neither of which I would be pleased about.

Charlotte, North Carolina

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'Cause Then She Took One of My Legs and Snapped It

Skinny girl: My roommate's nuts. We got into another fight.
Tall girl: Oh, God, what is it now? She's mad again 'cause you don't rinse every drop of toothpaste out of the sink, right?
Skinny girl: No, it's the mayonnaise! The fucking mayonnaise! She accused me of eating it! Just the plain mayo, not on a sandwich or anything. I looked at her and told her, 'Listen, bitch, I don't eat mayo. I'm anorexic.' She's accusing me of having no self control!
Tall girl: So, what happened then?
Skinny girl: I was drunk, so I threw the mayo out our front door and said, 'Ha! Now no one can eat it!' I don't think that helped the situation at all.

George Herman's
Charlotte, North Carolina

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Did You Just Whinny?

Redhead: If I were a horse, I would totally do this one [points to horse in magazine].
Blonde: If you were a horse, you would do them all.
Redhead: Yeah! There's the Quarter Horse, the Mustang, the Appaloosa, and the Arabian. Ohhh, the Arabian! [Shivers.]

Raleigh, North Carolina

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Save That Kind of Behavior for Old Navy

Queer #1: He punched him in the face right in the middle of Banana Republic.
Queer #2: That is so damn rude.

University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill
Chapel Hill, North Carolina

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Jesus: How the Fuck Did That Rumor Get Started?

Girl #1: So, what's your idea of the perfect guy?
Girl #2: Oh, I know what she'll say! Jesus.
Girl #3, blushing: She's right.
Girl #1, rolling eyes: Ugh! But you can't go down on Jesus... can you?

Franklin, North Carolina

Overheard by: J-Bake-Oh

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They Had a Contest

Professor: The Kaiser was not the worst leader Germany had in the twentieth century.

East Carolina University
Greenville, North Carolina

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I'm Sorry, Miss, but His Holiness Can't Take Your Call

Excited girl on cell: So, I'm sorry to wake you, but do you still wear those crazy socks? Or do you only wear white ones?

K-Mart
North Carolina

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You'll Be Back

Student: I'm so angry about having to pay for social security and all that crap when I'm never going to see it myself. Heck, my parents won't even see it! They can't retire until they're like eighty. This country sucks! I'm moving to Iran.

Art studio, East Carolina University
Greenville, North Carolina

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He Doesn't See That Purple Monkey... and I Do.

Professor: I urge you to visit the TA as well, because we have complementary viewpoints. For example, he's with it... and I'm not.

UNC-Chapel Hill
North Carolina

Overheard by: Li'l Bit

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But You Keep Squirming

Teacher: I love you, Daniel*, and I love you, Jacob*, and I love you, Madison*.
Class clown: Do you love me?
Teacher: I like you.
Class clown, after class stops laughing: So you don't love me?
Teacher: I try to love you -- I really do.

Durham School of the Arts
Durham, North Carolina

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Don't Make Me Start Jabbing You with Pins Again

Man with camera: No, smile. There's no frowning allowed on MySpace anymore. It's a rule. If you want your picture there, you have to smile.
Six-year-old son: Okay.
Man, to other young son: And you -- be serious. No, not like that. Beyond serious. Like you lost your dog -- that serious. No, even more -- like you lost your truck!

Ice rink
Asheville, North Carolina

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Or Something, Yes

Freshmen: So, like, where do you want to go college?
Junior: Oh, I don't know... Maybe somewhere around the New England area?
Freshmen: Oh... So, like, where is that? In Britain or something?

Winston-Salem, North Carolina

Overheard by: Dumbstruck

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And the Duke Lacrosse Party Only Got Better

Sophomore #1: [Whispering.]
Sophomore #2: Oh, dude! She is hot!
Sophomore #1: [Inaudible.]
Sophomore #2: I would so fuck her!
Sophomore #1: [Inaudible.]
Sophomore #2: Dude, I so would fuck her. Like, fuck her up the ass.

Mt. Tabor High School
North Carolina

Overheard by: eating lunch.

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I Wouldn't Agree to Any Surgery, Either

Girl on cell: ... And don't let her dress you in drag -- she likes doing that.

Asheville, North Carolina

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Because What Else Is There to Do in North Carolina?

College dude on cell: It will be the same thing -- we'll go out drinking, she'll drink too much, she'll cry on my shirt, and then she'll pass out and I'll have to carry her home. Happens every time... Because, dude, she's my girlfriend. It's what we do... Because! It's what everyone does.

Winston-Salem, North Carolina

Overheard by: not his girlfriend

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Mom's Now Written Me a Series of Letters I'm Afraid to Open

Older woman: So, I was at my parents' house this weekend and there were some condoms sitting on the table...
Friend: What?
Older woman: Yeah. So I asked my mom, 'Why do you need condoms?' And she said, 'It's for easier clean up.'
Friend: Gross!
Older woman: Yeah... So that's why I stopped asking my parents questions.

Raleigh, North Carolina

Overheard by: Emily I

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Some Public Safety Officers Are Creepier Than Others

Skinny guy in tank top showing girl some crumpled mugshot: Have you seen this man before?
Girl on treadmill: Ummm, no?
Skinny guy: Well, he's a rapist, and he's at large. So if you see him, or if you get scared at night, just give me a call [hands her a phone number].

Gym
Cary, North Carolina

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And He Told Me He Was Saving the Good Roofies for Me

Sorostitute #1: So, he tried walking me back to his frat house and he was holding my hand... I should've fucked him, right?
Sorostitute #2: What? You just met him! And he's hooked up with Patricia*. I mean, hellooo -- bad taste.
Sorostitute #1: I totally should have. I mean, he was holding my hand, after all.

Duke University
Durham, North Carolina

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Yes, but Not with Gentiles

Mom: No, I liked-- Is that bacon?!
Daughter: What?
Mom: There is a piece of bacon on the elevator floor.
Daughter: You did go to college, right?

Dorm elevator
North Carolina

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Thinks Our President Is Curious George

Blonde: You know, it's like the story of Ferdinand!
Brunette: How does my relationship have anything to do with Ferdinand, the king of Spain?!
Blonde: No! Ferdinand the bull! The classic children's book! What kind of best friend are you? You know I wouldn't know anything about the king of Spain!

Charlotte, North Carolina

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Because You Touched Your Naughty Bits That Way

Kid running for shelter from rain: Why did Mother Nature betray us?!

Durham, North Carolina

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And We Can't Help You

Frazzled female customer: Oh, you have to change my last name on the account, too. I got divorced...
Sales assistant: Congratulations!

Verizon Wireless
Charlotte, North Carolina

Overheard by: i just want my phone upgrade

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Fucking Puritans

Confused guy on cell: What I don't get is, what part of the country are there people like this? I mean, I draw the line at spitting in someone's asshole!

Raleigh, North Carolina

Overheard by: whylime

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And We're Fresh Out of Gym-Sock Substitute

Employee to another: You gotta stay focused! He's gonna run out of meat! You're letting him run out of meat!

McDonald's
Asheville, North Carolina

Overheard by: Mrs. BigMac

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Or "Why Didn't You Abandon Us Years Ago?"

Punk: Why don't they have a Father's Day card that says, 'Dad, you suck. Happy Father's Day'?

Greensboro, North Carolina

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But Cannibalism Is My Anti-Drug!

Professor: I don't care what you say, there's nothing worse than eating a baby.

Community college
North Carolina

Overheard by: First row fanboy

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Oh, Jeff Goldblum -- No You Don't

Man on cell: I know she just thinks I'm this creepy guy, but I know better.

YMCA
Cary, North Carolina

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Special Thanks to the Four Horsemen for Being So Flexible

Professor, going over syllabus: Because of schedule changes, the apocalypse will be postponed.

Seminary classroom
North Carolina

Overheard by: good, that gives me another week

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Is a Frilly Lace Thong Too Much to Ask?

Four-year-old boy: I said, all I want is underwear!

Banana Republic
Smithfield, North Carolina

Overheard by: Bryan

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A Mind So Open the Brains Fell Out

Incoming freshman, about required pre-entry reading: We should not have to be exposed to new ideas we might not agree with.

University campus
Chapel Hill, North Carolina

Overheard by: yeah, now my brain hurts

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After That I'll Be Fucking Myself

Chick: Okay, here's your hundred thousand dollars, and there's the mall. And I'll just be sitting here sprouting a penis.

Carrboro, North Carolina

Overheard by: Li'l Bit

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

But I'll Settle for This Eightball

Mom: Honey, do you wanna take off your princess dress, get naked, and get in a bucket?
Four-year-old aspiring princess: No.
Mom: Well, I do.

North Carolina

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When It's Really More of a Truce

Lady: Damn! This dress done makes me look like I gave up on life!

Dressing room
Raleigh, North Carolina

Overheard by: Ursulav

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"Little Bishop" Would Also Have Been Acceptable

12-year-old son: Owww! My penis! My penis! She hit me in the penis!
Mom: Please stop yelling that! We're in public!
12-year-old son: But that's the scientific word for it, Mom.
Mom: I understand, but not everyone appreciates hearing that word in public.
12-year-old son: Okay. Owww! My jimmy! My jimmy! She hit me in my jimmy!

Pet aisle, Wal-Mart
North Carolina

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And You're Not Even Drunk!

Whitey thug: I can't listen to you anymore! You just ended a sentence with a motherfucking preposition!

Gas station
North Carolina

Overheard by: KommissarKrunch

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And the Dogs Are Not Interested!

Hot drunk chick: That's why I can't sleep at night -- because people in Knoxville wanna fuck dogs!

Barley's Taproom and Pizzeria
North Carolina

Overheard by: Drunk Patron

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Stop Laughing -- I'm Serious!

Chick #1: What is that? A rape whistle?
Chick #2, wearing whistle around neck: Yeah, it is! [Blows it loudly] I'm gonna rape you!

Cans Bar & Canteen
Charlotte, North Carolina

Overheard by: Devon

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Has Actually Mislabeled the '70s

Professor: It's debatable whether or not LSD was actually dangerous. I mostly remember the '60s.

East Carolina University
Greenville, North Carolina

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Will You Need the Whiteboard?

Chick, during silence: ... So I woke him up at like two in the morning and was like, 'Holy fuck!' ... Oh, sorry. I guess I should explain myself.

Lecture hall, Wake Forest University
Winston-Salem, North Carolina

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

It's Like the Inside of a Man's Mind in There

Sexy girl: My roommate keeps the room temp at, like, tropical. It gets so hot in there it gets hazy! It's a good thing she doesn't care about nudity, because the only way I survive in that room is to walk around naked.

High Point, North Carolina

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Not before I'm Old Enough to Spend It on Hookers and Blow

Little kid in leather jacket to random man lighting cigarette: Nooo! Stop! Poison! I am too rich to die!

North Carolina

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I Have a Learning Disability That Requires Me to Do Lots of Coke

College chick: I, like, physically cannot get good grades... I think the problem is in my brain.

University of North Carolina - Chapel Hill
Chapel Hill, North Carolina

Overheard by: KAT

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Bipolar Women Can Be Highly Entertaining Life Partners

Little Lady Gaga Ended Up Proving Them Both Wrong.

And They'll Be All, "Whooee, One Of Them Fancy Women!"

Save That for Therapy.

Isn't That a Country Song?

"Amicable Separation:" Defined

...Now Who Wants to Play "Hang the Sock"??

...Has The Times Told Us Whether or Not We Like It?

Then She Turned Him Gay With Her Womanliness

I Thought Guys Liked Talking About Wood?

And Why Do We Always Go to Gay Bars?

It Was All, "What Am I, a Fucking Cow?"

The Final Solution to the School Year

Internet Audiences *Loved* Two Girls, One Copy

Although There's Nothing Worse Than a Goat with the Munchies.

What Prevented You?

I Wrote the Ass Off That Story

At Some Point, One Gets Full Of TV

Can't Answer. Crashing.

Eh, They Were Station Wagons.

...With a Real Girl.

It's Times Hard in the Islamic Republic Of North Carolina

Well What's Spanish for "Cornholing"?

And You Know the Old Saying: "Where There's Mexicans..."

Your Editors Feel a Fierce College Nostalgia Coming on

But Enough About the Livestock...

A Bravo TV Contestant!

I Blame the Obamas!

He's the Reason "the Bro" Was Invented

Raise Your Hand If You're Married to Her

But You Don't Want to Go on a Flight Without Warm Nuts

The Whole Thing Smacks Of Effort

See the Iron-On Label?

Then There Was the Guy We Stabbed and Stuck in the Dumpster...

Raise Your Hand If You Share His Irrational Love Of Costco

...After What Happened Last Time?

We're Storing It Next to Jean-Luc Cousteau's Cheese Wheel

If I Wanted to Read Subtitles I'd Get a Book!

I'm Not Sure I've Heard This Version Of "Goldilocks and the Three Bears"

So I Hooked Up With His Friend

You Realize That Means "Highly Pleasant to the Taste or Smell"?

Wanna Race?

Earth Belongs on the Ground, Not on Me

Unlike My Wife

Really Depends on the Bar

Whatever Queen Elizabeth Said Went

Your Editors Blame Sarah Silverman for Our Uncharitable Thoughts

Have You So Little Faith in My Navigational Ability?

I Always Try to Make Out with Them

She's Leaving A Message

Though Dancing on the Altar Was My Idea

An Army Of One

The Butterball Turkey Hotline Gets Flooded With Calls During the Holidays

When He Said "Yes," You Knew He Was a Terrorist and You Had to Defend Yourself

Dolly Parton Faced Animosity Upon Returning to School

...Was My Bar Mitzvah Theme

Maybe I Should've Selected a Photo Where I Wasn't Holding a Beer-Bong?

She Lost Her Entire Purse, and They Were Married That Night

I'm a Strong Proponent of Laissez-Éclair Ideology

We'll Be Married in the Spring.

Please Ignore This Inadvertent Overshare

If They Don't Remember Their Own Birthdays, Do You Need to Bother with Presents?

Ooo-- Actually, I Forgot I Had These Nunchucks

You Just Wanted an Excuse to Punch a Sandwich, Didn't You?

Says the Woman Wearing a Skort?

It Slunk Away After I Kicked Its Ass

Is There Ever a Viable Reason for Riverdancing?

Those Were Different Times--There Was a War On

That's What He Said at the ER

Or Reject Gender Stratification

Mark Penn Offered Us $2 Million for This Quote

Like Kathy Griffin

I Like to Think of My Mouth As a Protective Pouch

Especially If, Instead of the G-Spot, There Was a Little Plastic Prize

And You're Spilling My Martini!

Not Without My Fainting Couch and Fan Nearby

As Long As You Don't Lie in the Same Bed Together, It's All Good

For One Thing, He Looks Less Like a Gay Man

Now I'm Terrified a Cat in a Hat Will Come Mess Up My House

... With My Girlfriend

Internet Audiences Loved Two Girls, One Copy