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Mom Harvests My Pockets When She Does My Laundry

Guy: Do you have any money left?
Chunky 40-something man: 60 bucks, that should be enough to get me by until my mother gives me more.

Omaha, Nebraska

Overheard by: Kristin


Categories: Family ties | Guys | Money | Nebraska | Questions | Posted 2011-06-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

He's a Savory Savior

Guy to girl in bar: What did you have, some of that Blood of Christ?
Girl: Yeah!
Guy: Yeah?!
Girl: Yeah! It's yummy!

Bar
Lincoln, Nebraska


Overheard by: Jill


Categories: Bars & Clubs | Girls | Guys | Jesus | Nebraska | Sensory experiences | Posted 2010-05-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Remember "Sweaty Boobs"?

Friend #1: I just want a Dance Dance Revolution mat that won't skid around on the floor while I dance on it. I am thinking about covering my old one in an unskiddable material.
Friend #2: Well, you could try human skin.
Friend #1: Does it skid?
Friend #2: Only when wet.

Gamestop
Omaha, Nebraska.


Categories: Advice | Body parts | Dancing | Friends | Games | Nebraska | Stores | Weirdness | Posted 2009-12-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And I Wouldn't Stop and Smell the Roses, Either.

Old woman: It's like flowers were spitting out of my ass, so don't go telling me how bright and shiny your (makes finger quotes) "effing" life is!

Small Town
Nebraska


Categories: Ass | Compare and contrast | Nebraska | Old folks | Sex | Posted 2009-12-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

To Be Fair, She Says the Same Thing About Their Shower at Home

Five-year-old girl, about fountain in outside eating area: Oh! High drama!

Bellevue, Nebraska

Overheard by: Cortny


Categories: Kids | Kids | Nebraska | Weirdness | Posted 2009-11-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

You're Wearing a Nametag.

Chick, approaching yuppie guy: Hey I haven't seen you since...
Yuppie guy: Since I nailed you in the high school bathroom! Four... five years ago, right Jen?
Chick: No, that wasn't me. But thanks for remembering my name!

Bar
Nebraska


Overheard by: allie


Categories: Bars & Clubs | Chicks | Education | Names | Nebraska | Questions | Sex | Time Management | Yuppies | Posted 2009-08-12 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Fine-- Just Don't Wake Me

Guy to drunk girl at a party, whispering loudly: Will you have sex with me?
Drunk girl: No.
Guy: Please?
Drunk girl: No.
Guy: Aww...come on!

Omaha, Nebraska


Categories: Default | Drunks | Girls | Guys | Nebraska | Offers and requests | Questions | Sex | Posted 2009-05-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...and Take It.

Professor: And then your cilia just lay the fuck down...

Omaha, Nebraska


Categories: Default | Education | Nebraska | Teachers | Weirdness | Words | Posted 2009-05-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Judge Me When You've Walked a Mile in My G-String, Okay?

Stripper, yelling at boyfriend: You don't have to shave your vagina everyday to get tips from bald, fifty-year-old men!

Lincoln, Nebraska

Overheard by: late night studier


Categories: Age and ageing | Default | Employees | Girls | Jobs & Careers | Money | Nebraska | Vagina | Posted 2009-05-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...Know Where I Could Score Some Coke Around Here?

Coed #1: Jill, hi! I haven't seen you for like, a year!
Coed #2, smoking cigarette and clutching Red Bull: I know! I quit drinking!

WSC Campus
Wayne, Nebraska

The Roast Beef Glistens So Hypnotically

Guy: Where'd you go for lunch today?
Friend: Umm...I don't want to tell you.
Guy: Oh god, you went to Arby's, didn't you!
Friend, groaning: Yes.

Bar
Omaha, Nebraska


Categories: Bars & Clubs | Default | Food | Friends | Guys | Names | Nebraska | Questions | Posted 2009-03-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Back Up-- There Are Jews in Nebraska?

Hip daughter: Mom, is that the same guy?
Hip mom: No.
Hip daughter: Then why do they sound the exact same?
Hip mom: Because they're Jewish.
Hip daughter: Really?
Hip mom: No.
Hip daughter (laughing): Oh my god! Mom! That's...
Hip mom: Don't quote me on Facebook.

Lincoln, Nebraska

Overheard by: robert taylor


Categories: Default | Family ties | Girls | Hipsters | Internet | Kids | Moms | Nebraska | Questions | Religion | Posted 2009-02-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

This Argument Makes Your Editors So Tired We Must All Take Naps Now

Sorority girl to lit class: So she was all saying that I was totally against feminism if I insisted on shaving my legs. And I said she was totally against feminism if she insisted on being a whore!

University of Nebraska
Lincoln, Nebraska

That Photo of the Kitten in the Shoe Was Oddly Arousing, Though

Drunk girl #1: That's the first men's bathroom I've ever been in that didn't have porn mags!
Drunk girl #2: Not ones that you could see!

Lincoln, Nebraska


Categories: Default | Drunks | Gender issues | Girls | Nebraska | Porn | Stupidity | Posted 2008-07-31 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...Which I Use for My Other Job

(on a bus passing city jail)
Mom
: Look kids... that's where daddy is.

(pause)
Mom
: I can give you a haircut.

Man: I like the lady who does my hair, she has good mirrors so I can see the back of my head.
Mom: I've got good mirrors. I've got mirrors on the ceiling, too.

Bus
Omaha, Nebraska


Categories: Bus | Default | Family ties | Guys | Jobs & Careers | Moms | Nebraska | Weirdness | Posted 2008-07-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Have the Last Name "Spears"

Four-year-old kid, pickig up magazine: Hey, Dad, it's Britney Spears!
Dad: No, that's Jamie Lynn, her sister.
Four-year-old kid: Ohhh, the pregnant one.
Dad: Yep.
Four-year-old kid: But she's not even an adult!
Dad: You don't have to be an adult to get pregnant.
Four-year-old kid: So then how do you get pregnant?! [Dad puts magazine back.]

Omaha, Nebraska

Overheard by: Cortny


Categories: About celebrities | Dads | Default | Family ties | Kids | Nebraska | Pregnancy | Questions | Posted 2008-02-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

... Until You Find Jesus

Thug: Yeah, right... The sign shouldn't read 'Welcome to Omaha' -- it should read 'Welcome to Omaha... You're gonna get fucking lost.'

Omaha, Nebraska


Categories: Gripes | Nebraska | Thugs | Posted 2008-01-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Bed, Bath, and Beat-Offs?

Chick #1: A woman came up to me and said there was a guy beating off into the dress.
Chick #2: Really?!
Chick #1: Sure enough, I walked over and his pants were around his ankles.
Guy passerby: Where the hell do you work?

Omaha, Nebraska


Categories: Chicks | Gossip | Masturbation | Nebraska | Posted 2007-12-09 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

That Good? Count Me In!

Annoying mom: Is smoking good or bad?
Five-year-old son: It's bad.
Annoying mom: That's right. And how bad is it? It's like eating everything at the top of the food pyramid.

Clinic lobby
Omaha, Nebraska


Overheard by: joe the xrayguy


Categories: Kids | Moms | Nebraska | Smoking | Posted 2007-11-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Now Available in Pineapple Pus and Sore Apple

20-something to boyfriend: He was like syphilis on a stick!

Omaha, Nebraska


Categories: Chicks | Nebraska | STDs | Posted 2007-11-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And Over Easy

Guy #1, about super tan waitress: Wow, she's well done. I prefer medium-well.
Guy #2: Yeah, me, too. I like a little pink.

Lincoln, Nebraska

Overheard by: evh


Categories: Beauty | Guys | Nebraska | Posted 2007-08-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

So It's Not a Chain,Then?

Student #1: ... And this concludes my presentation on Sudan. Are there any questions?
Student #2: Sudan... Is that where that Hotel Rwanda thing happened?
Professor: No, that would be Rwanda.

International Marketing class, University of Nebraska-Lincoln
Lincoln, Nebraska


Overheard by: Meagan


Categories: Class | Nebraska | Students | Stupidity | Posted 2007-05-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Everything I Chose to Do to You Is Your Fault

Wife: This is the last chance. I'm really going to file for divorce unless you're willing to work at this.
Husband: I deserve someone that I won't cheat on.

Omaha, Nebraska


Categories: Hubbies | Insults | Nebraska | Threats | Posted 2007-04-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook